Allright Seun,
But your critical observations have been prompting me to carry on with the story and Sule and Funmilola can end up having an extra-marital affair later.

@Orikinla
i think the story is cool though too long for my likening

Yeah right, Short story. Its really great though. A little cheesy but, great nontheless

A long but interesting read. I'm a sucker for neat happy endings.

The other purpose of writing this romantic short story is to record this period in the history of urban life in Lagos. The nomadic Arab beggars are no longer under the flyover at the National Stadium in Surulere, Lagos.

Well I've read the story, and frankly about from being unedited, I have to say the story is not all-that-together. The storyline is one of the most unrealistic I have read; it's not tight at all. True, unbelievable things do happen, but this one - an agbero boy becoming a brilliant lawyer and sophisticated human-being with such refined tastes in 7 years - wasn't convincing at all.

Firstly, getting admission is one thing all together. Then a law degree takes 5 years to complete (if there are hold-ups like strike etc.). Then you go to serve (NYSC) and after go to law school for a year. All that adds up to seven years. Even guys that are brilliant and have ready sponsors may take more than 7 years to do this. Now this is a guy that will probably have to struggle with many difficulties to get these things done.

And now exactly seven years later, he already has thriving law practice and business is so buoyant that they can afford to spend whooping sum of 12 million on cars and dine and wine in 5-stars hotels like Nicon-Hilton. And I may be wrong, won't you need some experience working in someplace before you establish a chambers. And do they just thriving immediately. Of course I may be wrong about this.

Now it would have been a much more appealing story if one of them (Sule or Hadijat) makes it big-time by undergoing such a mind-blowing transformation and came for the other despite the deplorable condition the "other" may still be wallowing in. But revealing to us that exactly the same kind of mind-blowing transformation happened to the both of them within that 7 years, to me, seems to be taking imagination to its limit.

Like I said before, anything can happen in this world we live in, but we need to be convinced in the way that it happens, such that nothing seems to be out of place. We are talking about 15 year old Arab-Niger street beggar with no previous education (they don't go to school, they only beg) and street tout who may already then be like 25.

Lastly, there are guys on this site, anything they read, no matter what the content is, they just go on with exclamations and "Oh gosh!" (not talking specifically about this story) and all sorts of things like that.

About the story, guess what I'm saying is there is room for a lot of improvement.

lanre_front:

Well I've read the story, and frankly about from being unedited, I have to say the story is not all-that-together. The storyline is one of the most unrealistic I have read; it's not tight at all. True, unbelievable things do happen, but this one - an agbero boy becoming a brilliant lawyer and sophisticated human-being with such refined tastes in 7 years - wasn't convincing at all.

Firstly, getting admission is one thing all together. Then a law degree takes 5 years to complete (if there are hold-ups like strike etc.). Then you go to serve (NYSC) and after go to law school for a year. All that adds up to seven years. Even guys that are brilliant and have ready sponsors may take more than 7 years to do this. Now this is a guy that will probably have to struggle with many difficulties to get these things done.

And now exactly seven years later, he already has thriving law practice and business is so buoyant that they can afford to spend whooping sum of 12 million on cars and dine and wine in 5-stars hotels like Nicon-Hilton. And I may be wrong, won't you need some experience working in someplace before you establish a chambers. And do they just thriving immediately. Of course I may be wrong about this.

Now it would have been a much more appealing story if one of them (Sule or Hadijat) makes it big-time by undergoing such a mind-blowing transformation and came for the other despite the deplorable condition the "other" may still be wallowing in. But revealing to us that exactly the same kind of mind-blowing transformation happened to the both of them within that 7 years, to me, seems to be taking imagination to its limit.

Like I said before, anything can happen in this world we live in, but we need to be convinced in the way that it happens, such that nothing seems to be out of place. We are talking about 15 year old Arab-Niger street beggar with no previous education (they don't go to school, they only beg) and street tout who may already then be like 25.

Lastly, there are guys on this site, anything they read, no matter what the content is, they just go on with exclamations and "Oh gosh!" (not talking specifically about this story) and all sorts of things like that.

About the story, guess what I'm saying is there is room for a lot of improvement.

You are right on your points. But in romantic literature, fantasy is allowed.

The most important thing is WRITE and LEAVE the REST to TIME.
The nomadic beggars under the flyover at the National Stadium in Lagos are no longer there. This fiction is a record of their existence on the streets of Lagos in the past.

Thank you for the critical analysis.
The most important thing is you READ it.

Orikinla:

You are right on your points. But in romantic literature, fantasy is allowed.

The most important thing is WRITE and LEAVE the REST to TIME.
The nomadic beggars under the flyover at the National Stadium in Lagos are no longer there. This fiction is a record of their existence on the streets of Lagos in the past.

Thank you for the critical analysis.
The most important thing is you READ it.

Sorry, my mistake then; didn't know there is a genre like romantic literature where fantasy rules. I do write too, but what I write (finished one novel) are thrillers that should make an interesting read, be realistic and convincing; I guess it's the genre referred to as commercial fiction; really don't have much talent when it comes to this "literary stuff". In fact I heard Chimamanda once said in an interview that writers such Alan Folsom, Sidney Sheldon etc., what they do is not serious writing. So I guess I'm not qualified; kind of over-reached myself.

nice write up!!

Basildon1:

nice write up!!

Thank you for the appreciation.

Orikinla:

Thank you for the appreciation.

LNG boy, can't believe you still here, getting compliments for your Paedophile story

lanre_front:

Lastly, there are guys on this site, anything they read, no matter what the content is, they just go on with exclamations and "Oh gosh!" (not talking specifically about this story) and all sorts of things like that.

Well Sir, I'm no prude or Pharisee but Mr Multiple Talent LNG boy Orikinla has a thing for unrealistic story lines.

lanre_front:

Well I've read the story, and frankly about from being unedited, I have to say the story is not all-that-together. The storyline is one of the most unrealistic I have read; it's not tight at all. True, unbelievable things do happen, but this one - an agbero boy becoming a brilliant lawyer and sophisticated human-being with such refined tastes in 7 years - wasn't convincing at all.

Firstly, getting admission is one thing all together. Then a law degree takes 5 years to complete (if there are hold-ups like strike etc.). Then you go to serve (NYSC) and after go to law school for a year. All that adds up to seven years. Even guys that are brilliant and have ready sponsors may take more than 7 years to do this. Now this is a guy that will probably have to struggle with many difficulties to get these things done.

And now exactly seven years later, he already has thriving law practice and business is so buoyant that they can afford to spend whooping sum of 12 million on cars and dine and wine in 5-stars hotels like Nicon-Hilton. And I may be wrong, won't you need some experience working in someplace before you establish a chambers. And do they just thriving immediately. Of course I may be wrong about this.

Now it would have been a much more appealing story if one of them (Sule or Hadijat) makes it big-time by undergoing such a mind-blowing transformation and came for the other despite the deplorable condition the "other" may still be wallowing in. But revealing to us that exactly the same kind of mind-blowing transformation happened to the both of them within that 7 years, to me, seems to be taking imagination to its limit.

Like I said before, anything can happen in this world we live in, but we need to be convinced in the way that it happens, such that nothing seems to be out of place. We are talking about 15 year old Arab-Niger street beggar with no previous education (they don't go to school, they only beg) and street tout who may already then be like 25.

Lastly, there are guys on this site, anything they read, no matter what the content is, they just go on with exclamations and "Oh gosh!" (not talking specifically about this story) and all sorts of things like that.

About the story, guess what I'm saying is there is room for a lot of improvement.

I have to say that this seems to be the only person who actually READ the story.

Even when I was reading it, I noticed a lot of gaps which the person I quoted mentioned. Also, your story seemed to lack depth. Sule the philanderer and seducer of young girls (it wasn't even like he slept with her because he liked her, he just did it because he wanted to boast about it) gets back with the girl he disvirgined and obviously she has been "waiting" for him, while he was sleeping around with other girls? I sincerely don't see how this makes for a good storyline.  All it does is promote the shallow reckoning of immature young boys who think they can eat their cake and have it.

So he seduced her, got her pregnant, and told stories to his mates about sleeping with a white girl , and then what. . . she comes back with his child. And you think that the sex he supposedly had with her at the sheraton hotel was so mind-blowing that he decided to forsake all other women and marry her? Hmmm. . . Unrealistic much?
Besides, I couldn't sense any real feelings that Sule had for Halimat. Even when she got pregnant, he watched her parents beat her and did nothing for "his own safety", as you so nicely put it.

Overall, the story was a let-down. I expected a better ending than that a man could LovePeddler around and still get the girl he wanted . . . There wasn't any character development , Sule was just portrayed as a man-slut who achieved unrealistic dreams and emerged as the hero of the day, Halimat as the submissive arabian girl that Sule slept with. And that was it.

Always room for improvement, I say.

not bad at all

Well, well, well. All critical observations have been noted.

Lest we forget, the fact that Sule a  motor park tout could still go back to school to become a lawyer  and the girl beggar also got educated to become a better person later is more important than the small gaps noted.

Simply increasing 7 years to 12 years would do. But those who failed to see the burden of the story were looking for cheap points to score for personal reasons. The most important reason for writing the story as I have stated before is NOT TO IMPRESS the reader, but to CAPTURE THE PERIOD WHEN THESE  NOMADIC FRINGE ARAB BEGGARS who were refugees in Nigeria stayed under the flyover in front of the popular STADIUM BUS STOP at the National Stadium in Surulere, Lagos. They are no longer there. And many people do not even know about their history in Lagos. And some of them actually got pregnant after they were seduced or violated by Lagos motor park touts. Not all touts are uneducated.

One of these touts dropped out of the UNN. A friend of blessed memory and his wife were working as driver and conductor of their "Danfo" minibus when they had no regular employment and were in dire straits. Both of them were graduates of UNN. So, when I am writing, many realities of both foreseen and unforeseen circumstances of the chequered vicissitudes of human existence are used to tell a story. I have posted dozens of these short stories here for our HISTORY. Amazon published a couple and the most challenging "Bye, Bye Mugabe" was set in Zimbabwe where I have never been to and it was published in an American journal where Zimbabweans who read it could not believe that the author never visited their country. So, I welcome objective critics and not the lunatic fringe stalking "LNG boy" on Nairaland. I am not an "LNG boy", because I was born and bred in Lagos where I live and  work daily.

Nice story and even for a short story it's very descriptive, those screaming foul at Hadiyat's age should remember our dear Governor/senator Yerima who married an Egyptian 13year old as wife! Under islamic laws it's not a haram! The story even said she was betrothed to Assam and were just looking for money to go back. But anyways that aside I want to say that it's practically impossible for Sule to have achieved such in the space of 7 years, reason being that law is a 5 years course + 1 year law school that 6 years + nysc that 7 years so he would still have been a corper not owning a law firm of his own! But that's why it's fiction right!

Oly23:
Nice story and even for a short story it's very descriptive, those screaming foul at Hadiyat's age should remember our dear Governor/senator Yerima who married an Egyptian 13year old as wife! Under islamic laws it's not a haram! The story even said she was betrothed to Assam and were just looking for money to go back. But anyways that aside I want to say that it's practically impossible for Sule to have achieved such in the space of 7 years, reason being that law is a 5 years course + 1 year law school that 6 years + nysc that 7 years so he would still have been a corper not owning a law firm of his own! But that's why it's fiction right!

You are right on Sule.
My main purpose is a narrative documentary in prose of these refugees from Chad who became part of our ecosystem for almost two decades. It is historical fiction. I have documented it for history.
The story has been revised and edited for my new book of "Bye, Bye Zimbabwe".

Orikinla:


You are right on Sule.
My main purpose is a narrative documentary in prose of these refugees from Chad who became part of our ecosystem for almost two decades. It is historical fiction. I have documented it for history.
The story has been revised and edited for my new book of "Bye, Bye Zimbabwe".

alright! That's quite nice as I have never been to Lagos at least I know now that there were once Niger beggars under the bridge near the stadium!

Oly23:
alright! That's quite nice as I have never been to Lagos at least I know now that there were once Niger beggars under the bridge near the stadium!

A short story about an encounter with one of them at Obalende bus stop on Lagos Island won me a third prize in a competition by the French Cultural Centre in Nigeria.
A little boy and his sister. He begged for money and I said I did not have any money to give him. He now offered to share his own with me! And our interesting discussion inspired me to write "One Day at Obalende Bus Stop".

From Poor Shepherd Girl in Morocco To Minister of Education in France
http://www.nigeriansreport.com/2016/10/from-poor-shepherd-girl-in-morocco-to.html?m=1

Nice story

Orikinla:
From Poor Shepherd Girl in Morocco To Minister of Education in France
http://www.nigeriansreport.com/2016/10/from-poor-shepherd-girl-in-morocco-to.html?m=1

Nice story. The concept is well noted.

lanrefront1:




Sorry, my mistake then; didn't know there is a genre like romantic literature where fantasy rules. I do write too, but what I write (finished one novel) are thrillers that should make an interesting read, be realistic and convincing; I guess it's the genre referred to as commercial fiction; really don't have much talent when it comes to this "literary stuff". In fact I heard Chimamanda once said in an interview that writers such Alan Folsom, Sidney Sheldon etc., what they do is not serious writing. So I guess I'm not qualified; kind of over-reached myself.

Chimamanda lied
What makes her literature serious writing and the literature of Alan Folsom, Sidney Sheldon, Harold Robbins and company not serious writing.
Harold Robbins is an institution in American literature.
One of the best-selling writers of all time, he wrote over 25 best-sellers, selling over 750 million copies in 32 languages.
I have read Chimamanda and she is just a good novelist. And not yet a great writer as Ben Okri, currently the greatest Nigerian novelist who is also an outstanding poet and essayist.