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I’m A Guy Who Stopped Dating Because I Found The Next Best Thing - Romance - Nairaland

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I’m A Guy Who Stopped Dating Because I Found The Next Best Thing by Chubhie: 8:33am On Jun 13, 2015
When I first turned 30, I knew I was entering a decade of high expectations. Sure, I knew it was a milestone age, and I had accomplished most of what I set out to do. except find love. I still dated while fielding the occasional questions from my peers and elders about why I had to yet to find love.
They were curious about what I desired in a romantic partner. I told them I had no particular standards and just desired someone who would make me happy and who I would make happy in return. For me, it all came down to compatibility. I had interesting encounters in the dating field
that began to make me question the whole process and its intended purpose.
Dating started off as a hopeful adventure than began to deteriorate the more I pursed it, which eventually caused me to stop. There was no major event that led to my
decision to stop dating; rather, it was a long process that only grew as the experiences began to tally up. I eventually stopped to think, and along the way, I had an epiphany: Dating was more trouble than it was worth. Here are some
reasons why:

The Gamesmanship
I remember once being at a friend’s for a guys’ night when a woman I was interested in became a topic of discussion. She was friendly and displayed an outgoing personality, which I found appealing. It was easy to discuss my interest in her, as it was guys-only party; yet, there was a catch:
Other guys knew her, too, and they also expressed interest in her. They plotted their strategies on how to court her.
They fed each other intel on their encounters with her and how they could, perhaps, win her over. To them, she was an elusive catch
who would require a unique strategy in order to capture her heart. I just wanted to get to know her to see if we
were a match, but my peers saw her as a competition that ultimately turned me off. It wasn’t peer pressure that led to the turn off, but rather, the fact I felt locked into a game I knew would only lead to more problems
down the road.

The Superficiality
I have never been one to place a strong belief in the power of first impressions to accurately gauge what kind of person one may turn out to be. As I’ve learned in the past, looks are deceiving, but in the field of dating, that never
turns out to be the case. Those who win the so-called “genetic lottery” are said to have their pick of the dating field.
They have the right height, zero body fat and, perhaps, a nice income. Their potential partners want to be seen with
such a catch in public to the point that personality is pretty much irrelevant. The often overused, outdated
rules I understand we, as a society, need rules in order to function. However, the so-called rules of dating have become so astutely followed, one mistake means the end of what could be a meaningful relationship. A person could have a great date only to follow up too soon, or maybe, too late, or perhaps, an innocent slip of the tongue ruins
his or her chance for a second date. When I was in the dating field, I could never crack the enigmatic code of what it took to score the second date. Heck, just getting to the first-date phase was challenging enough. I was told there are rules to follow, but are they that important in today’s world?

Dating Doesn’t Always Bring That Much Happiness
When I was in the dating field, I saw it as adventure filled with limitless opportunities. I was enticed by the possibility of finding “theone.” Ultimately, I saw myself as a dog trying to chase a speeding Ferrari. I had a few dates
that were wonderful experiences with women who truly impressed me and still do. Yet, for multiple reasons, most of which are unknown, relationships never developed.
During this process, I had multiple online dating profiles and messaged potential matches. I kept track of my progress and Looked for areas of improvement, as if I was running a business, but it never made me happy, especially when I had dates that never panned out.
By the end of the process, the Ferrari was far away with the chasing dog extremely exhausted. Men ruined dating Yes, I’m a guy, and yes, I’m saying men ruined dating. Why? Well, for the most part, men are devoted players with phobias for commitment and settling down. They’re devoted to the method of being pick-up artists while tallying the number of times they scored along the
way. For many, mobile apps designed for hookups have become their hunting grounds. They scout the nightclubs in search of their latest one-night conquests. They study the field, armed with their well-crafted pick-up lines,
designed to enchant their selected targets. If successful, they achieve what they set out to do only to have no interest in seeing their selected targets ever again. As a guy who has seen such men in action and heard them tell me of their one-night stand stories, I can’t help but agree that men did, in fact, ruin dating with their hook-up
philosophies.
This isn’t to say all men are bad, as some are superb gentlemen; it’s just that the bad crowd polluted the dating world.

What I’m Doing Instead:
As a result of my newfound resolution to discontinue dating, I decided to try something different, to live my life by learning new life skills, which became easier when I stopped focusing on dating. I made a list of the things that always interested me and I committed to them. I take classes on Tuesday nights; I learn to dance on Wednesdays and Friday evenings; I study for an upcoming exam for a new career.
I pursue my writing, and I plan to start stand- up classes. In my downtime, I enjoy hitting the soccer pitch or playing Football manager.
I no longer feel awkward about dining alone, even in a restaurant filled with couples. I don’t feel obligated to date in order to be part of society’s “mainstream.” I take walks through my city in solitude and I enjoy every second of
it.
I deleted my online dating profiles and mobile apps from my phone. Going forward, I intend to continue this while keeping dating in the past.
It’s not that I’m not interested in marriage and the prospects of having a family; I feel there’s a much bigger part of life I need to live and I’ve only been scratching the surface.
I’m also aware love may, someday, find me. Perhaps, Ms. Right and I will cross paths. I just have no intention to pursue dating, as I’m disenchanted with the whole process. I don’t feel bitter toward or resentful of couples; I’m very happy for them and I hope their relationships flourish to everlasting love. For those who continue to seek love, I hope you find it and value it once you do.
As for me, I feel liberated and enjoy the feeling and focus it allows me to have. I’ve left dating in the past and I look forward to what is to come.

Source: www.idealistrevolution.org

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Re: I’m A Guy Who Stopped Dating Because I Found The Next Best Thing by CountDracula(m): 8:35am On Jun 13, 2015
cry so long and so boring

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Re: I’m A Guy Who Stopped Dating Because I Found The Next Best Thing by kilokeys(m): 8:37am On Jun 13, 2015
We need africanized posts please..

Dont just copy and paste thrash.. This aint dollarland, dullard.. undecided

Tell me abt an african guy who has achieved ALL his wants to at the age of 30 and isn't dating or married

I have churches to recommend for his immediate deliverance

6 Likes 2 Shares

Re: I’m A Guy Who Stopped Dating Because I Found The Next Best Thing by Cutehector(m): 8:43am On Jun 13, 2015
It is not good for man to be alone! Why don't we always get this!

The lord has commanded us to have boyfrnds and girlfrnds and friends... Buh biko no do bad tin oooooooooo... grin
Re: I’m A Guy Who Stopped Dating Because I Found The Next Best Thing by IamLEGEND1: 8:47am On Jun 13, 2015

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Re: I’m A Guy Who Stopped Dating Because I Found The Next Best Thing by Chubhie: 8:47am On Jun 13, 2015
kilokeys:
We need africanized posts please..

Dont just copy and paste thrash.. This aint dollarland, dullard.. undecided

Tell me abt an african guy who has achieved ALL his wants to at the age of 30 and isn't dating or married

I have churches to recommend for his immediate deliverance
....yet, you found time to waltz and comment on thrash? Dullard? You my good friend gat jokes.

1 Like

Re: I’m A Guy Who Stopped Dating Because I Found The Next Best Thing by Chubhie: 8:51am On Jun 13, 2015
Cutehector:
It is not good for man to be alone! Why don't we always get this!

The lord has commanded us to have boyfrnds and girlfrnds and friends... Buh biko no do bad tin oooooooooo... grin
Or perhaps, in order to fulfil biblical principles of not being alone we should stick to even toxic relationships?

LoL at the lord commanded us to have boyfriends and girlfriends. I think I'm learning something new today.
Re: I’m A Guy Who Stopped Dating Because I Found The Next Best Thing by Chubhie: 8:53am On Jun 13, 2015
CountDracula:
cry so long and so boring
I thought wisdom comes with its own share of pain and patience?
Re: I’m A Guy Who Stopped Dating Because I Found The Next Best Thing by Cutehector(m): 8:55am On Jun 13, 2015
Chubhie:
Or perhaps, in order to fulfil biblical principles of not being alone we should stick to even toxic relationships?

LoL at the lord commanded us to have boyfriends and girlfriends. I think I'm learning something new today.
lmao I was indirectly saying that.... If 1+1 is 2, den that means for one to achieve something, he must need another partner.. wink
Re: I’m A Guy Who Stopped Dating Because I Found The Next Best Thing by Khd95(m): 9:02am On Jun 13, 2015
No mattter wot,women r neccessarily evil,u nid dem in ur life...
Btw,did u say ure a gay
Lobatan
Re: I’m A Guy Who Stopped Dating Because I Found The Next Best Thing by Chubhie: 9:09am On Jun 13, 2015
Cutehector:
lmao I was indirectly saying that.... If 1+1 is 2, den that means for one to achieve something, he must need another partner.. wink
hmmm! 1+1 doesn't necessarily have to equals to 2. Some say 1+1=1. I tend to respectfully disagree that one MUST need a partner to achieve something. The RIGHT partner seems okay but the wait before the right partner shows up must be invested in self discovery- alone. Don't you think?

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Re: I’m A Guy Who Stopped Dating Because I Found The Next Best Thing by Cutehector(m): 9:10am On Jun 13, 2015
Chubhie:
hmmm! 1+1 doesn't necessarily have to equals to 2. Some say 1+1=1. I tend to respectfully disagree that one MUST need a partner to achieve something. The RIGHT partner seems okay but the wait before the right partner shows up must be invested in self discovery- alone. Don't you think?
mr man, am talkn mathematics here. Who taught u 1+1 is 1?

1 Like

Re: I’m A Guy Who Stopped Dating Because I Found The Next Best Thing by Cutehector(m): 9:10am On Jun 13, 2015
Chubhie:
hmmm! 1+1 doesn't necessarily have to equals to 2. Some say 1+1=1. I tend to respectfully disagree that one MUST need a partner to achieve something. The RIGHT partner seems okay but the wait before the right partner shows up must be invested in self discovery- alone. Don't you think?
mr ma, am talkn mathematics here. Who taught u 1+1 is 1?
Re: I’m A Guy Who Stopped Dating Because I Found The Next Best Thing by idu1(m): 9:11am On Jun 13, 2015
I don't get what you are trying to say.
Re: I’m A Guy Who Stopped Dating Because I Found The Next Best Thing by Chubhie: 9:22am On Jun 13, 2015
Cutehector:
mr man, am talkn mathematics here. Who taught u 1+1 is 1?
Mr Cutehector, let's not dabble into philosophical or marital equations to question how you arrive at such. I understand what you are trying to say. I'm only trying to push you to see from 'another' perspective.
Re: I’m A Guy Who Stopped Dating Because I Found The Next Best Thing by Chubhie: 9:23am On Jun 13, 2015
idu1:
I don't get what you are trying to say.
Ask questions Mr idu1
Re: I’m A Guy Who Stopped Dating Because I Found The Next Best Thing by banjicom(m): 9:38am On Jun 13, 2015
Chubhie:
Ask questions Mr idu1

what are u really trying to teach the single guys. Are u saying we should forget about dating and try to focus on other things.

if that is the case then I guess many guys will remain single for the rest of their lives. Women are necessary evils cheesy we just have to keep managing them.

anyway nice post, u still have a point cheesy
Re: I’m A Guy Who Stopped Dating Because I Found The Next Best Thing by Chubhie: 10:04am On Jun 13, 2015
banjicom:


what are u really trying to teach the single guys. Are u saying we should forget about dating and try to focus on other things.

if that is the case then I guess many guys will remain single for the rest of their lives. Women are necessary evils cheesy we just have to keep managing them.

anyway nice post, u still have a point cheesy
Personally, I have some reservations about the writer of the article and saw some wisdom in what he's trying to pass across.

Some guys maybe eternally happy being single than getting caught up in superficial mainstream dating rituals. Have been called up quite a few to broker a middle ground between couples and most times issues steam from being married to an entirely different personality after all the paparazzi fronts being put up during dating.

Most marriages I've been able to analyse are barely tolerating each other. Lol at women being necessary evil to be managed. I personally would elect to be a monk than manage evil. Do you think the baby mama ish is a response to escape a necessary evil?

2 Likes

Re: I’m A Guy Who Stopped Dating Because I Found The Next Best Thing by CountDracula(m): 1:34pm On Jun 13, 2015
Chubhie:
I thought wisdom comes with its own share of pain and patience?
I didn't say I didn't read it, I jus said its long and boring
Re: I’m A Guy Who Stopped Dating Because I Found The Next Best Thing by aliyumd: 5:10pm On Jun 13, 2015
Nice piece... Got me Thinking
Re: I’m A Guy Who Stopped Dating Because I Found The Next Best Thing by Chubhie: 7:27pm On Jun 13, 2015
Khd95:
No mattter wot,women r neccessarily evil,u nid dem in ur life...

Btw,did u say ure a gay

Lobatan
okay, I'm gay. You feel better now right? You should be reading up for post utme and not be preoccupied with romance. Just a friendly advice. Cheers.
Re: I’m A Guy Who Stopped Dating Because I Found The Next Best Thing by Chubhie: 7:28pm On Jun 13, 2015
aliyumd:
Nice piece... Got me Thinking
Thanks. Glad you got the message.
Re: I’m A Guy Who Stopped Dating Because I Found The Next Best Thing by hahn(m): 1:36pm On Jun 16, 2015
Chubhie:
Personally, I have some reservations about the writer of the article and saw some wisdom in what he's trying to pass across.

Some guys maybe eternally happy being single than getting caught up in superficial mainstream dating rituals. Have been called up quite a few to broker a middle ground between couples and most times issues steam from being married to an entirely different personality after all the paparazzi fronts being put up during dating.

Most marriages I've been able to analyse are barely tolerating each other. Lol at women being necessary evil to be managed. I personally would elect to be a monk than manage evil. Do you think the baby mama ish is a response to escape a necessary evil?

Interesting piece. I believe the writer does have a point. However, he is only looking at the topic from a, allow me to say, immature point of view.

Before dating the questions that should be asked are "what do I expect from my spouse", "why do I even need a spouse", "what is my spouse's responsibility in the relationship", "what is my responsibility in the relationship", amonst other things.

Then again, as a male it is easy to be interested only in sleeping with the lady. As soon as that becomes your first priority, the possibility of a long term relationship becomes slim. The writer even mentioned that it is hard for him to get a second date. That's pathetic.

I'd say that the writer is dating for the wrong reason OR he has created a wrong dating scene for the kind of relationship he desires. What the writer needs is a female friend and what I mean is in other to create the level of trust and understanding he seeks, he should pick a lady and become friends with her. In a friendship, its easier to know what the other person likes or dislikes, the other person's dark secrets, their ambition etc. Then he should make that friend an intimate partner which will eventually lead to them settling down.

However, he must be able to accept her past mistakes and be able to allow a clean slate for his woman to begin a new life with him. Let's say for instance, he discovers that his beloved was once involved in a Bleep with 5 guys, he should be able to overlook the incident as just part of his lover's immaturity in the past and accept for what she is now.

Lastly, he needs a new circle of friends. In order to achieve one's goals, I believe first and foremost you MUST associate with people of similar interest OR people who have already achieved that goal. Sitting around with friends who are only interested in "point and kill" will never motivate him to own his own fish pond.

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Re: I’m A Guy Who Stopped Dating Because I Found The Next Best Thing by jaybee3(m): 1:38pm On Jun 16, 2015
So what happens when you turn 40/50/60?

Do you think you will be fulfilled or empty?
Re: I’m A Guy Who Stopped Dating Because I Found The Next Best Thing by Chubhie: 2:16pm On Jun 16, 2015
jaybee3:
So what happens when you turn 40/50/60?

Do you think you will will fulfilled or empty?

perhaps, we have to first establish that dating or marriage entails fulfilment and lack of it entails emptiness.
Re: I’m A Guy Who Stopped Dating Because I Found The Next Best Thing by Chubhie: 2:18pm On Jun 16, 2015
@ hahn,the writer mentioned that his need in a relationship was a lady with an outgoing personality which he finds appealing. However, he got discouraged by such gamesmanship where other men interested in her do battle with different strategies to win her over and at the end of the day it is always one with the best strategies however machavellian wins her attention. This is mainstream dating. Even in movies it is the last man standing that wins the lady. Sometimes, such gamesmanship leads to death of weaker men.

The writer was only being a realist by inference that such games aint worth his staking his life on.

About his failure to get a second date? His reasons was multiple to which he failed to disclose perhaps not to be labelled a gay or jew as is with sheeps locked into the mainstream. His closest excuse was that he felt like a dog chasing a Ferrari.

I totally agree with you on changing his point and kill friends so that he can own his fish pond.

How can one reconcile and accept a reality whereby the ladies past entails abortions which could hamper potentials of having children. How you accept that kinda reality?
Re: I’m A Guy Who Stopped Dating Because I Found The Next Best Thing by hahn(m): 1:37pm On Jun 18, 2015
Chubhie:
@ hahn,the writer mentioned that his need in a relationship was a lady with an outgoing personality which he finds appealing. However, he got discouraged by such gamesmanship where other men interested in her do battle with different strategies to win her over and at the end of the day it is always one with the best strategies however machavellian wins her attention. This is mainstream dating. Even in movies it is the last man standing that wins the lady. Sometimes, such gamesmanship leads to death of weaker men.

The writer was only being a realist by inference that such games aint worth his staking his life on.

About his failure to get a second date? His reasons was multiple to which he failed to disclose perhaps not to be labelled a gay or jew as is with sheeps locked into the mainstream. His closest excuse was that he felt like a dog chasing a Ferrari.

I totally agree with you on changing his point and kill friends so that he can own his fish pond.

How can one reconcile and accept a reality whereby the ladies past entails abortions which could hamper potentials of having children. How you accept that kinda reality?

@the last paragraph, that's the trick. As soon as you're able to forgive all your partner's mistakes to the extent that you're willing to even adopt, if she's unable to conceive as a result of multiple abortions, is what is really referred to as "love". Afterall, who are you to judge?

Sorry for not replying on time.
Re: I’m A Guy Who Stopped Dating Because I Found The Next Best Thing by omoharry(f): 1:51pm On Jun 18, 2015
Chubhie:
okay, I'm gay. You feel better now right? You should be reading up for post utme and not be preoccupied with romance. Just a friendly advice. Cheers.
Waoo so you are Gay...so are you the female Gay or a male one. i am sure you will soon have some male toasters knocking at your door in this forum very soon hihihi!!.we have many gay members here too grin grin grin grin grin grin grin
Re: I’m A Guy Who Stopped Dating Because I Found The Next Best Thing by Chubhie: 6:59pm On Jun 19, 2015
omoharry:
Waoo so you are Gay...so are you the female Gay or a male one. i am sure you will soon have some male toasters knocking at your door in this forum very soon hihihi!!.we have many gay members here too grin grin grin grin grin grin grin
Oh, so you gay too! Glad to have company. You the female gay while I'm the male gay. You and I are taken so we don't need crowd. Hope we are good?

1 Like

Re: I’m A Guy Who Stopped Dating Because I Found The Next Best Thing by Chubhie: 7:12pm On Jun 19, 2015
hahn:


@the last paragraph, that's the trick. As soon as you're able to forgive all your partner's mistakes to the extent that you're willing to even adopt, if she's unable to conceive as a result of multiple abortions, is what is really referred to as "love". Afterall, who are you to judge?

Sorry for not replying on time.
I'm human,have my own mistakes but I envy the realm you've taken 'love' to. This is un-nigeria I must say.

May one worthy of your brand of 'love' locate you and not ones to call you a mugu in love-This is Nigerian.
Re: I’m A Guy Who Stopped Dating Because I Found The Next Best Thing by hahn(m): 8:03pm On Jun 19, 2015
Chubhie:
I'm human,have my own mistakes but I envy the realm you've taken 'love' to. This is un-nigeria I must say.

May one worthy of your brand of 'love' locate you and not ones to call you a mugu in love-This is Nigerian.

I'm married actually. I remember when I first met my wife's family, I was asked if I knew certain things about her and they were surprised that I did ie that she actually told me and I still wanted to marry her. About a week ago I took her to my old neighbourhood to see some of my old friends and THEY were surprised that she knew so much about my past.

The truth is no one is perfect. We've all done something we're not proud of but being able to understand that is what enables one to "love" everyone that comes along your way. However, in an intimate relationship, its important for both parties to understand their differences and be willing to move on, avoid repeating the same mistakes and mature together

1 Like

Re: I’m A Guy Who Stopped Dating Because I Found The Next Best Thing by Chubhie: 8:31pm On Jun 19, 2015
hahn:


I'm married actually. I remember when I first met my wife's family, I was asked if I knew certain things about her and they were surprised that I did ie that she actually told me and I still wanted to marry her. About a week ago I took her to my old neighbourhood to see some of my old friends and THEY were surprised that she knew so much about my past.

The truth is no one is perfect. We've all done something we're not proud of but being able to understand that is what enables one to "love" everyone that comes along your way. However, in an intimate relationship, its important for both parties to understand their differences and be willing to move on, avoid repeating the same mistakes and mature together
You are a good man. I feel the world will be a much better experience with more of your kind.

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