fellow nairaland i would love to know those things intended couples should discuss before making it to the altar. your contribution is vita. thanks

A couple of things I would like to contribute on this one. I think that marriage has turned from couples professing true love and committment to each other, into a traditional ceremony of rites that is performed when two people have been together for a while and do not want to be seen as 'living in sin', etc.

1) How disputes between the couple will be settled:

lots of people are not very good at expressing themselves properly, either they were not taught or have refused to learn. They may feel the need to
/shout, swear and become aggressive to get their point across, or
/they may go silent, and become miserable
/become passive aggressive and calculating, just waiting for a good opportunity to revenge.
/or walk out.
/shake with fear and stay away from the argument because they fear confrontation.

None of these behaviours is appropriate and none of them can work on a long term basis.

2) How to settle family problems as a couple (the following are just examples):

a) People in the village need money, should they be put on an allowance, how much is enough, how to budget finances to cover this. Is it cheaper to set up the younger family members in businesses of their own, so they can feed themselves in the long term.

b) What will happen to elderly parents when they are no longer capable of taking care of themselves - will they live with the couple and if so how will they be catered for, or,

c) A sibling is starting a work placement near the town where the couple live, can the sibling live with the couple, how will annoying behaviour
of the sibling be dealt with, how will the sibling be expected to contribute to household activities and finance. Will they have a seperate living area to host their friends, are girlfriends/boyfriends allowed to spend time at your house.

d) Husbands family members (mother/father/brothers and sisters) are becoming rude and insultive to wife or vice versa, how will this be settled?

e) When does a family members help get to the point when it becomes interference, this concerns issues on wether the couple decide that they want children, how the couple will bring up the children if they decide to have them, how the couple spend money, wether they intend to build a house, etc.

f) Do the parents have a family house in the village. Is it necessary for them to have one. How will the siblings share the responsibitliy and what is the couples role.

3) The main and most important one is:

A lot of couples have children without genuinely wanting the children. They may do it to:

a) compete with their family and friends who have children,
b)they may do it because their own parents have stated that they "want to see/hold" their grand-children before they die,
c) some couples may do it because they are not doing anything tangible and are bored with their current situation,
d)some women have children because they do not want to be talked about or labelled as 'barren' or as their husband's 'fellow man',
e)others have children because they want an heir to their empires (although their is no guarantee that the child will run the empire adequately, or even that the child would want to run it at all).

As , you can see, none of these reasons incorporates the ways in which the children will be guided through life or how they will be fed, clothed and protected. None of the reasons that people give for having children ever includes, "we want to teach our children about loving other people, having empathy for other people", or "we want to teach our children about Thomas Sankara and how he tried to change the course of history in the face of huge adversity", their reasons are futile and non-reasons.

These are all quite useless reasons to have children and accounts for the large numbers of badly brought up children that we see every day. Kids behaviour usually follows them into adulthood. This is always as a result of bad parenting, or parenting from afar , (most of my naughtiness occured while my parents were at work or away on a business trip,).

It is hard for anybody to visualise the concept of 'Forever', but they must try because that is what having children means.
This is why giving birth should not be seen as 'having a baby' which is a very short and limited period of time in a humans life, it should rather be seen as 'bringing a human being to earth who you will always be responsible for'.

This decision is more simple than it looks. It just requires honesty. If the couple are not doing very well in certain areas of their lives despite trying their best, then something as profound, important and life changing as bringing another human being into earth is probably not really for them although it might seem like a nice idea.

4) Some people like their own space/company to think and be at peace with themselves. How will this time be set aside.

5) What happens if one of the couple develops an incurrable problem like snoring. If ear-plugs dont work, will the offender be made to seek surgery to rectify the problem (surgery doesnt always work), or will they have to sleep in another room. Couples have been known to get divorced over this issue, as it seperates the couple during crucial hours of the 24 hour day.

I feel as though I may be putting people off, and that is not my intention, However these issues and others will be the ones that cause real stress that will inevitably affect your health and the way you feel about yourself and life. So it is best to get them ironed out before embarking on marriages to people that you have no realor actual control over. There will always be problems because that is the current nature of earth, however as with anything it is good to have some guidelines that have been agreed upon which can be followed.

Peace.

I like you list ravensque.

Finances
Inlaws
Religion
Children (if there will be any)
How disputes are settled
Sex


In no particular order

the Communication level has to be put into consideration. cos the couple has to take that into strong consideration.when you as a couple are not open to discussion, there will be no understanding. thats why its better to get married to someone u know u can communicate with cos u flow on the same pace. I wonder how an illiterate man can take in an illiterate wife. what will they be talking about? ewedu n eba?

@ravenesque

I believe things should be taken one after the other. A marriage defined as you just stated will hardly work.
Compromise is the key.

Before you start discussing all listed above always remember that Love is not always enough to carry you through in marriage.

Health
Family issues
hates and likes
Finances
Sex, Sex and more Sex.
God
What makes each other happy.
Future goals

reading through his thread 1st scared me. Marriage scares me as i speak. But sincerely keep it coming. I am learning. from the little i know, the major thing that makes marriage works is forgiveness. i am scared like i said. i dont know if i am right?

.

Waiting for the gurus in the house to throw more light on this topic. God bless Nigeria.






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