© 2015 Stephen Oweniwe.

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Table Of Contents

1. The Snorer
2. Accidental Discharge
3. Peeping Tom
4. Aboniki
5. The Lousy Room Mate
6. Girls Don’t Date Gentlemen
7. Armed Robbers
8. Bad Market
9. She Came, She Saw…
10. Woman Wrapper
11. Is She Worth The Hassles
12. If You Really Love Me…
13. Magnetic Backside
14. Bayo The Cook
15. Boys Are Not Smiling
16. If You Really Love Him…
17. First Class Madness
18. Mallam…!!..
19. They Stole Their Property
20. Cunning Man Die, Cunning Man Bury Am
21. Paint Oh…
22. The Fear Of Dog…
23. The Big Break
24. The Surprise
25. Sharp Girl
26. Girls Are Not Smiling
27. The Grumpy Husband To Be

THE SNORER

(Late in the night, Benny is trying to review his contract proposal on the reading table but he’s being distracted by Bayo’s loud snoring. He frowns, gets up, walks to Bayo and taps him gently on the cheek...)

Bayo in a dream…

(Bayo & Shade are both seated in a typical eatery. Shade romantically rubs Bayo’s cheeks…)

Shade: Bayo, you know I love you, but I can’t be your girl because my present boyfriend… (looks around as if she’s being watched, then leans closer to Bayo)… is a cultist….a cult leader.

Bayo: (Defiantly) If he’s a cultist, then me, I am MOPOL*. I will arrest and catch him like this… (gesture as someone attempting to caught a fly…)

. . . . . .

(Benny is mischievously using a long broom to tickle Bayo’s ear. Bayo, though asleep, snatches the broom)

Benny: (Shocked) Aahh..!!..

(Benny sighs and returns to table to continue reading. As he sit, Bayo begin to snore loudly again. Benny bangs the table, closes the book and goes to his bed to sleep. Bayo’s snore is so loud that Benny became restless. He stands frowning, arms akimbo over Bayo thinking of how silence him. He walks over to the wardrobe, brings out a firecracker, tip toe over to Bayo and gently slide open the window. Then he tip toe to his bed and lay quietly.)

*MOPOL: Mobile Police
. . . . . .

(Restroom door opens … Bayo enters and practically drag Shade in with him, closes and lock the door.)

Bayo: If you truly love me, you’re going to prove it here. Oya ‘ do it. There’s no time… (quickly loosen his belt)

Shade: (Worriedly) Bayo, please, I can’t do this… my boyfriend is a cultist… if he caught you...

Bayo: He can’t catch me, aha… (grabs Shade and force her into a embrace…)

. . . . . .

(Benny quietly ignites the firecracker and toss it over the window he opened earlier.)

. . . . . .

(Bayo and Shade are in a snappy kissing session when a tough looking Thug suddenly pops his head in through the window from outside.)

Thug: (Menacingly) Ahh! I don catch you! I don catch you! (brings out a pistol and point it at Bayo though the window’s burglary proof)
Bayo: (Terrified, clings tightly to Shade) Noo…. Nooo

. . . . . . .

(As the firecracker” goes off…)

Bayo: (Screams) Yeeh! Yeeh!

(Bayo jumps out of bed his and bolt frightfully out of the room. Benny nods his head in satisfaction and turns over to sleep.)


Fade

ACCIDENTAL DISCHARGE

(Benny wakes from sleep… yawn… looks around the room. He sees Bayo “scattering” clothes about and sits up on his bed)

Benny: (Waves slowly at the clothes on the floor) Why you dey scatter house early this morning?

Bayo: Greet me first.

Benny: Are you my father? Have you cooked? I am hungry.

Bayo: Na you go cook. I want to wash.

Benny: I wonder why you hate cooking.

Bayo: (Sarcastically) Because… here… I am the husband and you are the wife.

Benny: You are very very mad.

(Bayo giggles and pack the clothes on the floor to the bathroom)

Benny: Oboy, wetin? Na bathroom you wan wash?

Bayo: I want to wash… then bath…

Benny: The other time I washed in the bathroom, you complained that the soap water made the floor slippery. Now you want to do what you complained against…

Bayo: (Cut in) Ehh… Okkk. After washing, I will throw the water outside, okay?

(Benny shrugs, pick his phone and walks out of the room to the parlor. He stretch lazily, opens the door and looks around. He decides to sun bathe in the yard while replying his pending chats.)


. . . . . . . .

(Bayo begins to “squeeze” his washed clothes into another bucket. When he is through, he lift the bucket to dispose the soap water into the drain but then he remembers Benny’s complaint. He shrugs, lift the bucket higher and hurl the water out through the window. Benny is sitting on the bathroom’s mini sock-away l tapping his phone when soap water from the window drenches him.)

Benny: (Springs up shocked) Yeeh!!!

(Bayo is surprised to hear Benny shout. He looks through the window only to see Benny drenched while holding his wet phone out and starring at him angrily. Bayo watch Benny dash angrily away. He promptly locks the bathroom door. Benny barges into the bedroom, charge straight to the bathroom door, turns the door handle and begins to bang the door.)

Benny: (Bangs the door angrily) Open the door! Open the door!

Bayo: Nor be my fault nau. Why you sef dey sit there?

Benny: Wetin?! Is that where you suppose to throw water?!

Bayo: (Soberly) Ok… sorry..

Benny: Sorry your father! (bangs the door angrily) Open the door! Open the door!!

(Bayo frowns… waves into the air and continue washing while Benny continues to bang the door)




Fade

THE PEEPING TOM

(Benny, just back from a grocery store on Saturday morning shopping wearily enters the house compound with shopping bags in hand.. He sees Sharon, a neighbor spreading clothes out to dry. Sharon is dressed skimpily in bum shorts and spaghetti top.)

Benny: (Calls out cheerfully) Hi…

Sharon: (Smiles sweetly) Benny… good morning… how are you?

Benny: (Stares at her a few seconds) Hmmm…. I am…. Fine… (Scratches his head)

Sharon: Okay. Greet Bayo for me. (waves and bend to pick some clothes)

Benny: (Opens eyes wide and swallow hard) Okay… (Walks towards his door while still staring at her)

(At his verandah, Benny drops the shopping bags and begins to spy at Sharon’s every move from his “hide out”. As Sharon bends over the bucket, he also bends to take a peep… then shivers. Sharon soon finishes up, pick the bucket and go indoors. Benny slowly tiptoes from the verandah to the clothes line and begin to admire Sharon’s “wares” in awe. Then he tiptoes to Sharon’s bedroom window and begins to peep.)

. . . . . . .

(Sharon, in her bedroom, changes into a wrapper. “CID Benny” is vigorously engrossed from the window peeping at her every move. Sharon exit to the bathroom)

. . . . . .

(Benny gently slides aside the window’s net guard and begins to look around the room. He pokes his head through the burglary proof and begins to look the feminine stuffs in the room. Then he tries to pull his head back but he couldn’t. His ears had been struck in between the burglary. Sweat and fear soon envelope his face.)

. . . . . . .

(Bayo is still half asleep with while soft tunes boom from the Home theatre set.)

Order order
An order is an order
Obey before you complain
Do the job as you are told
If I ever hear you grumble
I will jam your head
If I ever hear you complain
I will jam your head
Order order
An order is an order oh

( Bayo’s phone begin to ring. he picks the call sleepily)

Bayo: Hello…

Benny: (Whispers desperately) Bayo... jor… come outside to the back yard...

Bayo: Wetin happen?

Benny: Just come out jeje. Don't make any noise o. Come now now (cuts the call and continue attempts to free himself)

(Bayo opens the apartment door and sneak cautiously over to meet Benny. He opens mouth agape as he sees Benny trapped)

Benny: (Tries to turn his head) Bayo, is that you?

Bayo: (Perplexed) What are you doing there?

Benny: Sshhhss... don't shout jor. come and help me pull this thing. (Tries to pull the burglary rods apart with his hands)

(Bayo tip toes to Benny and begin to pull at the burglary to create more space for Benny's head. Meanwhile Sharon is soon through with her bath. She picks her towel and begins to dry herself. Outside the room, Benny and Bayo are pulling the burglary frantically. Sharon wraps herself with her towel and exits the bath room. Bayo grabs Benny’s neck and attempt to pull him back. Benny gnashes his teeth in pain. As Sharon grabs the bedroom door handle, Bayo puts his hand through the window and gives Benny’s face a hard “push slap”. Benny jerks free. They both quickly bend behind the window. Sharon enters the room oblivious of what had been happening. Outside, Benny rubs his ears painfully. Bayo signals for them to go. They both creep and tip toe back to their apartment. In the parlor, Benny sits exhausted on the couch still massaging his ears while Bayo stands over him arms akimbo)

Bayo: Wetin carry you go there? (Benny is silent) Why don’t you just… toast her if you like her and do whatever you want?

Benny: It’s okay….

Bayo: It’s not okay. What if she had caught you?

Benny: (Smiles dryly) Heaven will fall.

Bayo: On your… on your… head!

(They both burst into laughter)




Fade

ABONIKI

(Bayo is “officially” dressed… white shirt… black trouser… black shoes. Benny is still asleep. Bayo wakes him up)

Bayo: Oboy, this kind sleep you dey sleep, you go soon get pregnant o.

Benny: You know I have been reading all night. (Yawns)

Bayo: Too much book is not good.

Benny: Too much of girls is not good either. The rate you dey carry girls these days, they will soon finish you.

Bayo: Pastor, I am not in mood for sermon this morning. I have a contract I want to go and caught today.

Benny: (Turns his back at Bayo and wave) Okay o. Good luck.

Bayo: Where is the car key?

Benny: (Frowns) Which car key? Keke don finish for road? Na every day you dey drive motor me I dey use leg waka about. Go and charter keke.

Bayo: If I get the contract, don’t ask me for any bread o… because if you do, na stone I go give you chop.

Benny: (Sarcastically) Haba bros, you know say na joke I dey joke nau. Just keep 20k aside for me. The key is under that book.

Bayo: (Goes for the key) You too like book, you too like money.

Benny: You too like beer, you too like woman… woman wrapper.

Bayo: See, if you don’t go and discharge your balls soon, sexual urges go scatter your head o… Mr. Virgin.

Benny: Mr. Vagina. The day gonorrhea and warts caught you, I will celebrate.

Bayo: No way. I am always protected.

Benny: One day, bush meat go caught hunter.

Bayo: (Retorts) Na lie. Person wey never caught common chicken dey talk about bush meat. How many women have you toasted in your life?

(Benny springs from the bed… Bayo bolts out of the room)

. . . . . . . . .

(Bayo is driving along the street roads when he sees Boris wriggling her hip …rhythmically to music plugged in her ears. Bayo slows down… park... exits the car… sneak quietly behind Doris and mimics her gait. He giggles, hurries back to the car and drive up to her.)

Bayo: Hi babe… can I drop you at work today?

Nurse: You? (hiss and increase her pace)

Bayo: Ah ah… are we quarrelling? Let me drop you nau… or do you want dust to mess up your white.

Nurse: Hmmm… okay. But I don’t want to hear any nonsense.

Bayo: Okay… I promise… (pushes open the door)

Nurse: (Enters the car and looks away) Thank you.

Bayo: How come a beautiful lady like you doesn’t a car?

Nurse: Do you want to buy car for me?

Bayo: Of course, I will buy you a car if you will let me… marry you.

Nurse: (Clasp her hands) Eh eh… please drive faster. I am getting late.

Bayo: Okay… okay… (Drives off)

. . . . . . . . . .

(At the clinic gate, Bayo parks the car and turn off the engine.)

Bayo: So… can I have your number?

Nurse: What for?

Bayo: I want to buy you a car nau.

Nurse: Thank you. I don’t want. (Opens the car door)

Bayo: (Grabs her hand) Ok, if you don’t want me to buy you a car, at least, let me have your number.

Nurse: (Sighs) ok… 08034419419…

Bayo: (Chuckles and smile) 419… 419… okay… I get it. Bye bye.

(Nurse exits the car and dashes into the clinic. Bayo starts the car, looks suspiciously around… picks up his phone and dials a call on speaker… number doesn’t exist)

Bayo: (Frowns, turns off the engine) I have been suspecting this girl. No wonder… 419 419. She is not going anywhere. I must catch her today.

(Bayo exits the car and walk briskly into the clinic. At the reception, he walks to the receptionist. Then he sees a Doctor coming out of a ward. He leaves the reception and walks to the Doctor.)

Bayo: Bros Kay…

Doctor: Ah, Bayo… what a surprise. Wetin carry you come here?

(They shake hands)

Bayo: I nor know say you be doctor nau. Abeg where is your office? (Drags him one way)

Doctor: No… this way…

(In Doctor’s Office…)

Doctor: So… how can I help you?

Bayo: Err… for some time now, I have been having back pain.

Doctor: Have you taken drugs?

Bayo: Yes, but e no dey work o.

Doctor: What type of drug did you take?

Bayo: Forget about drugs o jare. What I need is body massage.

Doctor: We don’t do massaging here.

Bayo: Are all those nurses there for decoration?

(Bayo’s phone rings. He retrieves it and glance at it. It’s his Client calling. He picks the call…)

Bayo: Hello…

Madam Client: Where are you nau? I need to get the work done before10 AM.

Bayo: I’m sorry, it’s like I will be a little late. My car’s battery just dried up. I’m trying to find another battery to kick start it.

Madam Client: Where are you now?

Bayo: Errr… Opposite Mr. Biggs…

Madam Client: Okay… (Cuts the call)

Doctor: Oh… okay… so you want me to send a nurse to massage your back?

Bayo: (Ecstatically) Exactly!

Doctor: Alright… I will tell one nurse to massage your back with Aboniki Balm.

Bayo: Not just any nurse. I want you to send me this girl… Doris…

Doctor: (Giggles) Doris? You know her?

Bayo: Abeg leave matter for Matthias. (Gets up)

Doctor: (Teasing)You no go pay bill?

Bayo: Na here den dey pay bill? Guy you like money… (Retrieves his wallet)

Doctor: Abeg do quick before the CMD show face o… (playfully snatches cash from Bayo)… Make I put you for ward. Just massaging o. anything more than that, I don’t know you.

Bayo: I don hear.

(In the Ward, Bayo, shirts off and bare backed, is laying face down on the hospital bed pretending to be asleep. Doctor pretends to examine his back. Doris enters carrying a tray with various soothing balms on it.)

Doctor: (To Doris) Err… the Patient has some back pain due to work related stress. You are required to massage his back thoroughly and … err… well, that’s all. Excuse me.

(Doris looks puzzled as Doctor walk off with a queer smile on his face. She sets down the tray down on the chest beside the bed, pick up Aboniki balm, scoops a generous amount into her palm and begins to massage Bayo’s back.)

Bayo: (Moaning) Hmmm… Hmmmm…

(Bayo’s phone rings. He jerks suddenly, then sit up to pick the call)

Doris: (Surprised to see Bayo and clasps her hands) You again?

(Bayo ignores her and picks the call)

Bayo: Ma?

Client: You said you are at Mr. Biggs?

Bayo: (Nods vigorously) Yes ma.

Client: I am at Mr. Biggs now to pick you. I can’t find your car. Are you still here?

Bayo: (Opens eyes wide open) Ahh… no no no I’m no longer there. I borrowed battery from somebody to jump start the car. I’m driving to your office as we speak.

Client: (Angrilly) Why didn’t you notify me that you’re already moving? Why are you wasting my time?

Bayo: I am sorry ma.

Client: If I get to the office and I don’t meet you there…

Bayo: I will be there ma.

Client: Okay… (cuts the call)

(Bayo drops the phone and hurriedly begins to loosen his belt)

Doris: (Puzzled) Why you dey off trouser?

Bayo: Look, I don’t have any more back pain… and I don’t have time. So let’s do it quick.

Doris: (Steps backward) Do what?

Bayo: Husband and wife nau.

Doris: You are mad. You want me to lose my job?

Bayo: (Grumbles and scratches his back) This thing you rub on my back dey pepper me o.

Doris: But you have back pain.

Bayo: I don’t have back pain. I just want to have some private time with you.

Doris: Ehya… you this boy… do I look like a prostitute?

Bayo: Every woman has a price…

(Bayo wriggles his back uncomfortably and then reaches for his wallet. He counts some money and tosses the cash on the bed beside him. Doris takes the money with outstretched hands as if picking a poisonous snake. Bayo pulls off his trouser, toss it aside and sits on the bed)

Bayo: Oya nau…

Doris: Oya wetin? I can’t do that here. Maybe later after closing.

Bayo: You think say I be thrifty slowpoke? (grumbles) ohh… I don’t have time… okay… gimme Mouth Action and keep the money.

Doris: See his mouth like “gimme Mouth Action”…

Bayo: Oya return my money jor….

Doris: (Retorts) Which money?

(Bayo springs up to his feet)

Doris: (Dashes a few steps backward frightfully) Eehhii… I can’t do Mouth Action nau.

Bayo: Then return my money.

Doris: (Frowns stubbornly) Uhmmm… what about hand job.

Bayo: Hand job?

Doris: (Sulking and frowns) Eh eh…

Bayo: (Sighs and sits on the bed) Alright, come and do it quickly… I don’t have time.

(Doris quickly locks the Ward’s door & takes a few careful steps towards him while sulking.)

Doris: Close your eyes…

(Bayo raises his chin up, spreads his legs and closes his eyes dreamily)

Bayo: Hummm…

(Doris squats beside Bayo, gently and loath fully picks up Bayo’s “Joystick” and begins to stroke it. Bayo begins to hummm and moan. Doris relaxes a little and begins to stroke harder and faster while Bayo begins to moan sensually with eyes tightly closed)

Bayo: Huummm….. Oaasoshhh…. Aahhhaahhh… Uhhmmmuuhh…

(Doris adjusts position and begin to stroke Bayo with both hands. Bayo begin to feel uncomfortable due to very hot feelings emanating from his crotch. He begins to sweat and frown. Then he forcefully tears his eyes open and motions Doris to stop. A trickle of sweat runs down his forehead.)

Bayo: (Groans deeply as if in pain) Yeeeaasshhh…

Doris: (Puzzled) What is the matter?

(Bayo jerks his eyes open again. This time he is staring fearfully at the Aboniki balm container beside him)

Bayo: (Stammering) Did you wash your hands before you… did you wash your hands…

Doris: (Aghast) Ah… I forgot…

Bayo: (Grabs his crotch and groans deeply as if in great pain) Aaahhhshhh… Yeeehhhh… (To Doris with outstretched hands) give me my money… give me my money…

Doris: Give you your what? You wanted hand job and I gave you hand job.

Bayo: (Angrilly) Give me my money jor… Aboniki…. Aahh…!

Doris: (Angrilly) Ehn?!

(Doris dashes for the tray, picks the balm, scoops an generous amount and rubs her palms together thoroughly)

Doris: You want your money back? By the time I rub this thing into your eyes, you will have sense… (attempts to rub the balm on Bayo)

Bayo: (Leaps away from her) Nooo… leave me alone ooo… (Groans in pain while grabbing his crotch) Aaahhh… I don die oohhh… Aboniki… aahhh…

(Doris dashes to the door, swiftly unlocks it and walks briskly away. Just then, Bayo’s phone rings. He suddenly becomes quiet and stares at the phone. He knows he is in deep trouble. He quickly wears his clothes as fast as he could and rushes to the reception. The manner he bursts into the reception makes the people spring away from him in fright. He sees bottled water on the counter and dives for it like a man fresh out of Sahara desert. He quickly loosens his belt and empties the water into his boxer. The people present watch him in awe. Bayo sighs with relief as the water begins to wet his trousers)

Bayo: (Closes his red eyes deeply while breathing heavilly) Aboniki… Aboniki… aahhh…

Doctor: (To Doris) What is wrong with him?

Doris: I don’t know o…

Bayo: (Bemused) You don’t know? (His eyes caught the clock on the wall. He swears with his finger) I will come back for you…

(Bayo hurries to his car while haphazardly trying to fix his belt. He yanks the door open, and jumps in. he feels a sharp pain in between his legs and raises his hip up to the steering. He manages to start the car in that position and drives off in a zigzag)

. . . . . . . . .

(At Client’s office, Client is making a call… Secretary enters… She (Client) signals to the Secretary… few seconds later, Bayo clumsily enters. His hair and face are somehow rough. Client freezes in shock as she sees Bayo. She cuts the call and slowly lowers her phone to the table.)

Client: (Softly but sternly) Where are you coming from?

Bayo: (Looks down to his feet) I went to mechanic…

Client: What happened to your trouser?

(Bayo looks down to his groin and sees his wet trouser. He was in such a hurry that he forgot to change on the way. He uses his hands to cover his groin and looks away embarrassed.)

Client: Answer me nau… what happened to your trouser? You said your car broke down at Mr. Biggs, I went there to pick you, I didn’t meet you there. I called again and you said the car is fine and you are coming… (frowns and turns her head to one side) and then you went to the mechanic again. Now you come to my office after one hour like someone beaten by rain when there is no rain. (Points her index finger at Bayo) You are lying… how dare you waste my time for nothing? If you car broke down, why can’t you just take a taxi… infact… (she snaps and hit a button)

Bayo: I’m sorry ma…

(Client ignores him. Door suddenly open and Guard bursts in)

Client: (To Guard) Throw him away…

Bayo: (Pleading tearfully) Ah… Madam… I’m sorry ma…

Client: (Shouts at Guard) Throw him out! Are you deaf?!

(Guard promptly grabs Bayo by the belt and drags him out of the office)



Fade

THE LOUSY ROOM MATE

(Bayo wearily walks into the bedroom and crashes on his bed. Some fits of uncontrolled stupidity had ruined the day for him. Well, it’s all over. Wetin man go do? Soon his tummy begin to grumble. He gets up and walks dizzily to the kitchen. He checks the pot of soup. There is some ogbono and okro mixed soup, and luckily, some left over eba. He yawns, pours some soup unto a plate and lazily carries the food to the bedroom. He opens his mouth to yawn again. This time some soup spills from the plate to the floor. He looks wearily at the spilled soup, shrugs and goes to the reading table to eat. After eating, he rubs his eyes sleepily, gets up and goes to sleep on his bed.

. . . . . . .

A few hours later, Benny arrives home, quickly pays the taxi and hurries into the house. It’s obvious he his pressed. He puts off his shoes at the door, drops his books on the living room sofa and hurries into the bedroom while trying to zip down his jeans. As he dashes to the toilet, he steps on the soup Bayo had spilled ealier, loses balance and tumbles on the floor with a loud “yeeehh”… Bayo jerks awake and sees Benny groaning in pain on the floor)

Benny: (Groans) My back ooo… (Crawls to a corner and leans his back on the wall) Bayo… Bayo… what kind of roommate are you?

Bayo: (Sheepishly) I’m sorry…

Benny: (Angrily) You are sorry? Will “sorry” wash my stained shirt?

Bayo: (Sighs wearily) Okay… give me the shirt. I will wash it later…

(Benny gets up, takes off his shirt and hurls it on Bayo’s bed. Bayo quickly picks up the shirt. His bed sheet has been stained by soup dripping from Benny’s shirt)

Bayo: (Frowns) Why did you throw the shirt on my bed?

Benny: Na shit? Why did you put soup on the floor?

Bayo: It was an accident…

Benny: (Points to the stained bed sheet) That… is an accident too.

Bayo: Uhh…

Benny: Uhh… (Hurries off to the bathroom)



Fade

GIRLS DON’T DATE GENTLEMEN

(In the palor, Bayo is delivering a speech to Benny who is listening with rapt attention)

Bayo: She will be coming back anytime from now… when she enters the compound, you will call her, complement her looks… tell her she is beautiful… then, what will you do next?

Benny: Ask for her number?

Bayo: No, not that. What you will do first is to break down her resistance. You see, every woman is like a building. Different types of buildings have different security settings. Some women are like hotel or beer joint, you can just walk into them and walk out anyhow you like…

Benny: Prostitute…

Bayo: (Thumbs up) Ashawo! Some women are like normal houses. All you need to do is to befriend her and persuade her to give you her door’s key. Once you have the key, you can enter her and do whatever you like. Others are like laboratories. You cannot just enter and leave anyhow you like because of much protocol. Then… barrack kind of women… before you enter, den go search you well well… and you can’t just waka anyhow because den go flog you…

Benny: Eh…?

Bayo: So when the girl comes into the compound, you will strike a conversation with her and try to decode what type of building she is. I don’t think she is tough sha. Just brainwash her small that she is beautiful… bla bla bla… (he peeps out through the window to see a taxi stop outside and Lilian getting out of a taxi) She don come o… oya get up go meet am.

(Benny quickly adjusts his clothes, walks out into the compound and sit on his flat’s front porch. Sharon pays off the taxi and walks into the compound leaving the gate open)

Benny: Hi Sharon…

Sharon: Hi Benny…

Benny: (Points gently at the gate) Why don’t you like closing the gate every time you are going out or coming in?

Sharon: (Turns back to go close the gate) Oh my bad… no vex…

Benny: (Grabs her hand) Why should I vex for such a beautiful angel like you? Abeg leave the gate. I want to tell you something.

Sharon: What is it?

Benny: Errmm… I just want to say you look sweet and beautiful.

Sharon: (Giggles with a smile) oh… thank you. Please let me close the gate.

Benny: I say leave the gate… I want to tell you something.

Sharon: But you’ve told me already?

Benny: No… not that one… another thing.

Sharon: (Sighs) So what it is?

Benny: Errmm… for some time now, I have been observing your movements and… something is going on in my heart…

Sharon: Hmmm

(Meanwhile, Bayo is peeping at them through the window)

Benny: Hmmm… so I decided to let you know that… my heart has been beating for you.

Sharon: (Giggles and cock her head) So?

Benny: So? Hmmm… I want you to be my girl…

(Lilian bursts into laughter)

Benny: What is so funny? Is it a crime to tell you my mind?

Sharon: (Giggles) No… not that… but you are funny sha…

Benny: So… will you be my girl?

Sharon: Noo… that is not possible.

Benny: Why not?

Sharon: Because you are a gentleman.

Benny: What is wrong with that?

Sharon: Nothing. It’s just that… girls don’t date gentlemen… we only marry gentlemen. (Sarcastically) If you start dating girls now, you will spoil.

Benny: So… if girls don’t date gentlemen, then who do they date? Area boys, touts, drinkers and smokers?

Sharon: No really… they date normal men.

Benny: Aren’t gentlemen normal

(Behind the curtain…)

Bayo: (whispering restlessly) Mumu… stop asking questions… draw her close… squeeze her bum bum…

(Back to the compound…)

Sharon: Well… gentlemen are normal. It’s just… they don’t know how to control women…

Benny: So women like to be controlled and ordered about like small children?

Sharon: (Sighs) Well… I don’t know o… please I want to go and freshen up…

Benny: Wait nau… I know I bored you with those questions… but you will agree with me that it is better for a girl to date a gentleman cos those rough guys… dem go give you heart break…

Sharon: That’s ok… since they’re not dating for marriage…

Benny: (Perplexed) Eh… Then what are they dating for?

Sharon: Do you want to marry me?
Benny: Hmmm… Something that will lead to marriage,,,

(Meanwhile…)

Bayo: (Scandalously covers his mouth in shock) Aahh…!!!

(An Area Boy walking by sees Sharon through the open gate… stops and walk in to meet her…)

Area Boy: (Hugs Sharon from the side) Ah… my wife… my fine wife… you don come back… (Looks rudely at Benny) Who be this?

Sharon: Na my neighbor o…

Benny: (Sniffs the air) Hummff… you smoke…

Area Boy: Yes nau… smoking is good for your health… e go make you strong… (looks Sharon up and down playfully) Abeg make we go play jare… (grabs Sharon’s hand and drags her off to her apartment)

(Benny watch them go dumbfounded with mouth wide open. Bayo comes out of their apartment)

Bayo: Abeg no mind the yeye girl… She no even get class… common area boy…

Benny: Area boy…

Bayo: Don’t worry, I will find another girl for you…

Benny: Mtchew… no bother…

Bayo: Haba, calm down nau… you don’t expect to toast a girl once and she go gree.

Benny: Can’t you see how she disgraced me? I was talking to her and she just followed one area boy commot… I have never been so humiliated in my life…

Bayo: Don’t mind her. She don’t have sense. I will find a better girl…

Benny: Did you hear what she said? Girls don’t date gentlemen…

(Some noise begin to ‘ooze’ out of Sharon’s apartment. She seems to be screaming…)

Sharon: Yeeeh… please ooo… fire… fire… mama ooo…

(Benny and Bayo look at each other… Bayo promptly begin to tiptoe over to Sharonn’s window side followed by Benny. They try to peep into the room but couldn’t see anything)

Sharon: Aahh… stop… stop… ahh… eehh… I wan die oohh…

(Bayo seems to be get more excited while Benny become more irritated. He grabs Bayo by the waist and begin to drag him away. Bayo jerks himself free)

Bayo: Leave me jor… (rushes back to the window to continue eavesdropping)

(Benny walks away in annoyance…)


Fade

ARMED ROBBERS

(Benny is at the reading table reading a big textbook when Bayo, carrying a Ghana Must Go bag and playing music loudly on his phone barrage into the bedroom dancing jovially. He tosses his phone on the bed and performs some dancing steps while hugging the bag. Benny looks at Bayo, at his book and then the phone on the bed. He goes for the phone and stops the music player)

Benny: (Drops the phone on the bed) So… wetin happen?

Bayo: Eh eh, I don hammer. You know that big duplex in the estate I dey hustle to paint in the estate… the owner gave me the contract. I am rich!

Benny: Hmm… how much did he pay you?

Bayo: One bucket of paint at twenty thousand times one hundred buckets… two million naira!

Benny: Aahh… eehh….!

(They both hug and shake hands. Benny looks at the bag… his smile vanished)

Benny: Wetin dey inside the bag?

Bayo: The money nau.

Benny: (Alarmed) Jeesus Christi… (walks to Bayo and sniffs him) You have been drinking?

Bayo: So? Make I nor celebrate?

Benny: Why don’t you do the job first and then celebrate later? How many people know about the money?

Bayo: (Nonchalantly) I don’t know nau.

Benny: You carried two million from beer parlor come house? Look, I don’t want wahala o. Why didn’t you deposit it in the bank? Where will you keep the money now?

Bayo: By the time the Chief gave me the money, banks had already closed… and I want to go buy the paints early tomorrow morning. Don’t worry; nothing will happen to the money.

Benny: (Gently) Err… emm… Can borrow me 20k? I need it to settle some…

Bayo: (Cuts in) Nooo… I will do just like you said. Finish the work first… (walks to his bed, falls on it and sleeps off)

Benny: (Shakes his head) Beer don scatter him head…

(Benny dashes to the sitting room and locks the front door. Back to the bedroom, he picks the Ghana must go bag… to the bathroom… climbs the toilet… and hide the bag in the ceiling. Then he goes back to the table and continues reading his book. Few minutes later, he perceives an offensive odor. He squeezes his nose and looks around for the source of the smell… Bayo had vomited)

Benny: Hmmfff! Kai… this boy eh… if I caught you… how will I sleep with this kind smelly vomit..?

(Benny rushes to the window, pushes his neck out and gasps for air. He quickly removes his singlet, ties it around his nose… and laboriously proceeds to clean up Bayo’s vomit. After cleaning up, he takes a shower and goes to sleep)

4 A.M . . . . .

(Someone taps Benny with a stick from outside through the opened window. Benny wakes up and rise to check who it is… he sees a man pointing a rifle at him)

Armed Robber 1: Open the door… open the door…

Benny: (Gently) Ok… ok… don’t shot… abeg…

(Benny creeps over to Bayo and gives him a hard slap)

Bayo: (Jerks awake) Yeeh..! Wetin?

Benny: Husshh…

Armed Robber 1: I say, open the door… are you mad?

Benny: Okay sir… okay sir.

(Armed Robber 1 aims his rifle at Bayo while Benny tiptoes to the parlor top one the door. As he opens the door, Armed Robber 2, armed with a pistol gives him a slap, shoves him in and drags him to the bedroom. Armed Robber 1 enters and closes the door)

Armed Robber 2: Bayo, where is the money?

Bayo: (Trembling) Which money? This is all I have…

(Bayo begins to empty his pocket of little cash in and hands them to Armed Robber 2. Armed Robber 2 charges at Bayo, gives him a blow and compress his pistol on Bayo’s crotch)

Armed Robber 2: (Angrilly) I will blow your balls! You think I came here to play?

Bayo: (Trembling, sweating and speaking in tongues) Shikoloslamashaaa… Eli maka shikolamashaaa…

Armed Robber 1: Shut up! You want to wake up the whole house? (To Benny) Oya make una kneel down. Where is the money?

Benny: I don’t have any money. He is the one that…

Armed Robber 1: I know. Big money inside a Ghana must go. He carry am from joint come here last night… and I am sure the money dey inside this house. If I count one to ten and I no see the bag, (cocks the rifle at Bayo) I go scatter your head and I go shot your leg (point to Benny). One… two… three…

Benny: Bayo give them the money nau…

Bayo: (Looks around confused) Where is the bag?

Armed Robber 1: Four… five… six…

Benny: (Pouts upward and raises his brow) Did you give me any money? I asked you for twenty thousand and you say you don’t have.

Armed Robber: Eight… nine… ten… (pulls back the rifle’s guard and aims at Bayo)

Benny: (Trembling) Wait… wait… I know where the money is… it’s inside the ceiling… through the bathroom…

(Armed Robber 2 dashes to the bathroom and comes out with the bag)

Armed Robber 1: Oya make una face the wall… One… two… three… four….

(Armed Robbers exit)

Bayo: (Sobbing) Why did you give them the money?

Benny: Why you nor chop the bullet? Why you carry two million come here? Is this house the Central Bank?

Bayo: (Tearfully) If the owner of the money caught me, he will kill me…

Benny: Then go and die… (looks at the clock) it’s almost five… the only way out of this area is through the gate… you have the vigilante’s number?

Bayo: Yeesss… (looks frantically around) where is my phone?

Benny: Table.

(Bayo rushes to the reading table, picks his phone and dails a call…)

. . . . . .

(At the community gate, Vigilante Head is sitting in a shed while three other Vigilantes walk around a make shift tire and sticks road block. Vigilante Head’s phone rings. He picks the call…)

Bayo: Hello… it is me... Bayo…

Vigilante Head: Oh, how far?

Bayo: Wahala dey o. armed robbers… armed robbers came here… they stole two million inside Ghana must g.

Vigilante Head: Two million? Eh? (A car swerves from a corner and heads slowly towards them) Wait… one motor dey come… I go call you back… (to the other Vigilantes) stop that car…

(Vigilante 1 waves the car to stop. Armed Robber 1 is now changed into full traditional wear while Armed Robber 2 is dressed in a reverend’s garbs. Armed Robber 1 winds down the window)

Armed Robber 1: (Cheerfuly) Good morning bros, how you dey nau?

Vigilante 1: (Coldly) Where are you coming from? Wetin dey inside that Ghana must go? (Points to the bag in the back seat)

Armed Robber 2: (Critically) Wetin concern you with where we dey come from? Person greet you, you nor fit answer. Common remove all those sticks from the road!

Armed Robber 1: Ah… Pastor please calm down… nor mind am jare.

Vigilante 1: (Angrilly) Oya, make una come out. (to Vigilante Head) Oga, these people dey craze o.

(Armed Robber 1 suddenly depress the accelerator pedal and swerved to avoid the barriers erected on the road… Vigilante Head, still seated, promptly brings out a pistol and deflate the car’s tire. The Armed Robbers quickly retrieve their guns, grab the bag and exit the car. Vigilante 1 shots at Armed Robber 2 but the bullet “bounces off”. Armed Robber 2 shots at Vigilante 1… Vigilante 1 collapses on the floor… Vigilante 2 & 3 make U-turn and flee… Vigilante Head who was still seated all the while springs up, runs to Vigilante 1 and uses juju to remove the bullet and close his wound. The Armed Robbers watch with amazement as Vigilante 1 rises to his feet; look at each other and begin to run away… Vigilante Head takes aim and shot the bag’s handle… Armed Robber 2 loses grip of the bag and drops it on the road… he runs back to pick the bag…)

Armed Robber 1: Leave the money… Leave the bag…

Armed Robber 2: For where? (Vigilante Head suddenly aims at him. He halts and waves frantically) Nooo… nooo…

(Armed Robber 1 picks and abandoned Reiling bicycle and slowly begins to pedal away. Armed Robber 2 runs along with him and jumps on the bicycle’s carriage… Armed Robber 1 loses control of the bicycle and they both fall… they both abandon the bicycle and run away)

Vigilante 1: (Grumbling) Oga, why you let them go nau? You for arrest, put tire for them neck and burn them.

(Vigilante Head swiftly applies a hard knock on Vigilante 1’s head)

Vigilante Head: (Angrilly) You shot am, e no enter… he shot you, you die. Let him them go… abi you wan die again?! You photocopy your life for house?!

(A car suddenly appears from an adjacent street and park at the check point. Benny & Bayo exit the car and run up to the Vigilantes)

Bayo: (Panting) Ahh… that is the bag… (attempts to snatch the bag from Vigilante 1)

Vigilante Head: Nor touch am o… no touch am. Just follow me… (walks back to the shed while the others follow him… he sits down) How much you say dey inside the bag?

Bayo: Err… one million…

Vigilante Head: Oya gimme one hundred thousand.

Bayo: (Uneasily) Ah… abeg… okay… okay…

Vigilante 1: Oga, make we count the money first.

Bayo: (Angrily snatches the bag from Vigilante 1) Gimme the bag jor… one million na ten thousand wey you go dey count for road?

Vigilante Head: Nor mind the stupid boy, his head nor correct.

(Bayo zips opens the bag and gives Vigilante Head some bundles of cash from it)

Vigilante Head: Oya make una dey go before the other vigilantes wey hear gunshot come and seize it… carry the bag dey go quick.

Bayo & Benny: Yes sir… yes sir…

(Both enter their car and drive off)

. . . . . . .

(Back to their apartment, the boys enter the bedroom wearily. Bayo kneels down to pray)

Bayo: Baba God I thank you… if not for you, I for don die…

Benny: (Sternly) What about me?

Bayo: Ah… you too… you try… I thank you…

Benny: I no want “thank you”. Gimme the 20k.

Bayo: Aha… I just lost 100k to the vigilante and I never buy any paint.

Benny: What?! If you nor gimme the 20k now… the armed robbers will come back and thief the money again… let’s bet it… (Stretches out his hand)

Bayo: (Wearilly) Ok, I don hear… take whatever you want and leave my neck alone

(Benny quickly opens the bag and grabs four bundles of cash… Bayo charges at him… Benny runs out of the room…)

Fade

BAD MARKET

(Benny and Bayo are busy dressing up ready to “go out”. Benny dons native while Bayo wears jeans and sleeve…)

Benny: Are you sure she is not like those useless girls?

Bayo: Far from it. She is just like you… a bookworm and computer witch (Wriggles his fingers as if tying fast)

Benny: Why do you always call me bookworm?

Bayo: Because you are a bookworm.

Benny: (Sighs) Well, it’s derogatory. I don’t like it.

Bayo: What is derogatory about it? In fact, it is a good title. Look at me, what do I know? I don’t know book, I don’t know computer, I don’t know anything.

Benny: But you surely know how to catch and chop girls.

Bayo: That is not something I am proud of. Sometimes, I wish I can be like you… I wish I can focus on tasks without looking at passing women… I wish I can stay up to six months without intimacy… but if I try that, my balls will become swollen like big eggs…

Benny: (Laughs) Na your wife I just dey pity. She go hear am…

Bayo: Noo… I won’t get married like this o. when I get married, I will stop drinking, I will become born again and stop chasing skirt…

Benny: (Winks) Talk is cheap.

Bayo: (Nods) Very very cheap (Picks his phone and dials a call)

(At Clara and Shade’s place, both ladies are in the bedroom applying makeup. Shade’s phone rings…)

Shade: (Non chalantly) Hello darling…

Bayo: Are you ladies set? We are ready o.

Shade: (Fumes) Yes … we are…

Bayo: Fine… We’ll be there in fifteen minutes time.

Shade: Fifteen kini? Give us one hour…

Bayo: Ah ah… shebi you said you’re ready.

Shade: We’re doing make up… (picks up a hair brush)

Bayo: Na one hour e dey take to rub pan cake… if I get there in thirty minutes time and you two are not ready, I will just drive off.

Shade: Did we beg you to take us out? If you can’t give us one hour, then better don’t come again… (Cuts the call and toss the phone on the bed) Useless boy… (Hisses)… Wo Clara, hurry up... they are coming… (begins to brush her hair)

Clara: Why were you talking like that on the phone?

Shade: The goat has no respect for women… see as he is giving me ultimatum… I hate threats.

Clara: (Stunned)You call your fiancé a goat?

Shade: He is not my fiancé o… I just want to chop his money and waka…

Clara: (Nervously) Look, am not really keen about this match making stuff… How can I date a guy I have never seen before…

Shade: (Waves her off) Don’t worry. Benny is a complete gentleman. In fact, he is a bookworm like you… unlike the mannerless idiot I’m struck with.

Clara: Why do you always call me bookworm? I don’t like it… well… are you getting married to Bayo?

Shade: (Stops abruptly) Marry who? No way. Bayo is a playboy.

Clara: If he is a playboy, then what are you?

Shade: I don’t know ooo… I just want to enjoy myself, have fun, carry my legs and walk away… I’m going to get married to a pastor.

Clara: (Laughs) Why?

Shade: (Sarcastically) I am a virgin… No sex till marriage. (Winks)

Clara: Eh? You? Virgin? Abeg pity the pastor nau… no be bucket sef… na well e go enter… (Laughs)

Shade: (Sits up and sneers) Are you abusing me? Miss Virgin… what do you know about bucket and wells since you nor dey fetch water…

Clara: (Still lauging) Sorry… (Waves at shade with two fingers on her lips)

(Shade huumms and continue to apply makeup. She eyes Clara who is standing before the wall mirror combing her hair. She sneaks gets up, sneak up to Clara and sinks her long nailed index fingers into Clara's waist. Clara screams, shrieks with her hands up and collapses on the floor haplessly. Shade nods her head in satisfaction and catwalks back to her makeup set. On the floor, Clara breathes heavily with her eyes closed... she gets up arms akimbo... then suddenly charges at Shade. Shade quickly drops the set and both begin to "wrestle"... suddenly, they hear a car horn and disengage.)

Shade: (Tries to free herself) Wait... wait... wait...

(Shade runs to the window and peeps out. Her phone begins to ring. she rushes to pick it, stares at the screen, changes her minds and drops the phone. She winks at Clara. Both suddenly begin to hurry up their dressing. Shade's phone rings again. This time she picks.)

Shade: (Barks into the phone) I said you should come in one hour time!

Bayo: (Grumbles) Oohhh... abeg come out jare. we don't have time.

Shade: (Grabs a cap, wears it and tucks the phone into the cap’s side as if in hands free mode) Oya drive off nau...

Bayo: What about Clara?

Shade: (Mischievously) She is sleeping...

Bayo: What?! Look... Shade... don't spoil this day for me.

Shade: (Sheepishly) Darling... I love you...

Bayo: (Groans and grumbles impatiently) Oohh... make una come out jor.

Shade: (Stands alert arms akimbo) Ehn? so you don't love me too? Oya gerraway... I don vex.

Bayo: Ok... I love you too...

Shade: Ah... You can lie o...

Bayo: I can't lie to you nau... I love you...

Shade: (Smiles mischievously and giggles) Common... I know you're just after my coochie...

Bayo: (Sighs) Alright... I love you... I am after your coochie... all join.

Benny: (Interrupts) Which kain yeye talk be dis?

Shade: Ah… Clara husband dey there?

Bayo: (Sarcastically) No… he travelled to London this morning.

Shade: Ok… we are coming o… (drops her phone) Clara oya hurry up…

Clara: (Runs to the wardrobe and picks out two blouses) Which one shall I wear?

Shade: (Searching for her slippers) Any one… where is my slippers?

Clara: Answer me jor…

Shade: (Impatiently) Ok… wear the white one… where is the slippers… the red one….

Clara: (Wears the blouse) It’s in the backyard.

Shade: (Shocked) What?!

(Shade hiss and dashes out of the room. At the backyard door, she sees her slippers… both soiled and dirty… she picks the slippers and dash back to the bedroom… she raises the slippers in the air at Clara)

Shade: See what you did with my slippers?

(Clara giggles and winks at Shade)

Shade: (Waves a slipper menacingly at Clara) I go use the slippers design your white blouse ni o…

Clara: (Playfully) Okay nau...

(Shade prances at Clara with a raised slippers in her hand. Clara screams, kneels down and begin to beg profusely as shade waves the slippers at her as if to hit her with it)

Clara: Sorry… sorry ooo… abeg…

(Shade drops the slippers… skips into Clara’s slippers)

Shade: I dey go o…

Clara: Wait nau… they are men… they will wait…

Shade: My tummy cannot wait. I am hungry… I want to eat jollof rice and chicken… hummm… I’m salivating already… meet me outside…

(Shade hurries out of the room. Clara picks shade’s phone, hide it in the pillow and begin to adjust her dressing. At the gate, Shade realizes she is not with her phone. She frowns and rushes back into the house. In the bedroom, she begins to search around for her phone…)

Shade: Where is my phone?

Clara: It’s in the kitchen…

Shade: Haba… I put it on the bed just now…

Clara: Check the kitchen nau… (hurries up with her dressing)

(Shade hurries to the kitchen, looks frantically around… arms akimbo… she heads back to the bedroom… Clara is all set… with Shade’s phone in her hand… Shade looks suspiciously at Clara and collects her phone and both catwalk out of the house. Outside the gate, Bayo and Benny are fast asleep in the car. Clara knocks the passenger window gently… Benny jerks awake, looks at the ladies and pinches Bayo then he slowly exits the car and extends a hand to Shade… Shade taps his hand playfully…)

Shade: (Teasing Benny) See your wife… you like her…

Benny: (Waves Shade off with a smile) Oh… stop it… She is beautiful sha… I am Benny… (extends hand to Clara)

Clara: (Smiles shyly and shakes Benny’s hand) Clara…

(Benny quickly opens the rear right side door for Clara to get in… gently closes the door… walks over to the other side and enters the car. Shade stands outside frowning and sulking. Bayo winds down the window and peers at Shade. )

Bayo: Oya enter motor nau…

Shade: (Sulks) Leave me alone…

Bayo: What is the problem nau…?

Shade: (Taps the car door) Come and open the door for me.

Bayo: What happened to your hands? E dey pain you?

Shade: (Folds her hands) Yesss… I nor get hand sef…

(Bayo hisses… starts the car… shifts gear and drives off … applies brake… reverse back to Shade’s side… turns off the engine… exits the car… opens the door for Shade… Shade enters with a sigh… Bayo walks over to the driver’s side… enters the car… starts the car and drives on,

Bayo: (To Benny and Clara) You see… she can’t even say “thank you”.

Shade: Why should I thank you? It is you job and it is my right.

Bayo: Right ko, left ni…

(Shade nudges Bayo on the head…)

Benny: Are you two quarelling?

Clara: They are not… they are just doing love nwantintin…

Bayo: (Turns the steering to a corner) What is nwantinti?

Benny: One highlife song like that…

Clara: (To Benny) What’s your favorite song?

Benny: Favorite song? I don’t have any song in particular… I just appreciate good music. But I have soft spot for highlife, reggae and jazz.

Clara: I love blues… romantic songs… Mark Anthony…
Benny: Oh really… (crouches forward to pick an album from the center storage area of the car and gives the CD to Bayo)

Bayo: I hope it is not one of those boring music you used to play.

Shade: Clara likes to play boring music… I can’t imagine playing a song I can’t dance to.

Clara: Must you dance every time?

Am I the only one
Who sees what we have become
I see no sense in going on
Or asking what went wrong
We sit and stare at what could be…

(Bayo and Shade exchanges “grumble” glances… Bayo ejects the CD and hurriedly slots in another… heavy bass begins to boom out of the speakers)

Benny: (Sternly) Why you commot am?

(Bayo gently flings the Mark Anthony CD over his head at Benny… Bayo and Shade begin to wriggle on their seats…)

Everybody please, today is my day
A very happy day, a very happy day
If I catch you dulling, I will not be happy
Forget your troubles, forget your sorrows
Make una dey shayo, make una dey shayo
Oya rock it!
Keep rocking
Keep rocking
Keep rocking…


(Bayo drives into an eatery’s parking lot. They all exit the car. Bayo barges into the eatery alone while Benny and Clara walk gently in together. Shade clearly isn’t happy at Bayo’s “dash off’. She slips her hand into Benny’s arm. At the table, Benny pulls a chair for Clara to sit and proceeds to do same for Shade but Bayo springs up and shoves him…)

Bayo: Oboy… watch your boundary o...

Benny: Wetin I do nau?

Bayo: You wan snatch her from me? Stick with your babe o… (tries to pull a chair for Shade)

Shade: (Snatches the chair) Leave me… (sits and bangs her bag on the table) you are not romantic at all.

Bayo: Na romance go full my hungry belle? (calls out) Una no get waiter for here?

(A waiter dashes hurriedly to their table)

Waiter: You are welcome (bows his head)

Bayo: No, we are not. You want us to sleep here before you will attend to us abi?

Benny: (To Clara) What would you like to masticate?

***Men Freeze***

Shade: Abeg wetin be “masticate”?

Clara: (Chuckles) It means to ruminate…

Shade: (Unimpressed) Speak in plain language jor…

Clara: Masticate means to… (chews her jaw)

***Unfreeze***

Clara: (To the waiter) Can I see your menu please?

Waiter: I’m sorry it’s not available at the moment, but I can take down your order…

Shade: (To Bayo) Why did you bring us to this cheap restaurant where they don’t even have menu?

Bayo: (Smiles wearily) Why didn’t you tell us before that Dangote is your father so we would have gone to Sheraton to eat out of your father’s pocket?

(Shade hisses and looks away…)

Clara: (To the waiter) Give me fried rice, chicken and salad…

Benny: Pounded yam and egusi…

Bayo: Same…

Shade: Well… I want fried rice, turkey, sharwama, mixed grill and… you have champagne abi…

Waiter: Yes madam…

Shade: Fine… (Winks at Clara)

(Waiter turns to go but Bayo pulls him back)

***Ladies freeze***

Bayo: (To Benny) You now see why I dey vex?

Benny: (Shakes his head) Problem…

Bayo: Big problem… (To the Waiter) Nor mind am o… I nor get money for champagne… remove the turkey… put small sharwama… as for mixed grill… well… put small too. Bye bye. (Waves waiter off)

***Ladies unfreeze***

Benny: (To Bayo and Shade) You two will make a great husband and wife…

Bayo: (To Benny) And you too will make a good home… imagine… “Mark Anthony” weds “Masticate”… (to Shade) wetin den go born?

Shade: Proffessor!

Bayo: Plus Plato and Socrates…

(They all laugh)

Benny: I don’t really fancy an all boys home.

Bayo: Why not? Baby girls cry too much… I don’t like it…

Shade: (To Bayo) I will born you five girls…

Bayo: I will give you junior wife…

Shade: (Frowns) What?! Mtcheewww… (Looks away)

(Waiter arrives with their orders… serves them)

Shade: (Examines her food) Wetin be this? Is this what I ordered?

Waiter: (Apologetically) I’m sorry… but that’s the closest we can match your order…

Shade: (Fumes) Oya carry your food away…

Bayo: (Softly) Please manage this one… you know I’m managing… I promise you the next one will be at Sheraton… (waves waiter away)

Shade: You promise?

Bayo: (Sniffs) Promise…

(They begin to eat in silence… As Benny bends to eat a “ball”, he notices Clara’s cleavage and soon begin to steal glances at her chest… Clara soon notices Benny staring at her)

Clara: (To Benny) How do I look?

Benny: Hmmm… you look great… except the makeup… anything more than that, you’ll look like an oil paint… I mean, you really don’t need make up at all…

Clara: (Dryly) Ok… (steals a ‘worried’ glance at Shade)

***Ladies freeze***

Bayo: (To Benny) Wo… you want to pour sand into your cornflakes? Women don’t like being told the truth… You just tell them what they want to hear… You are beautiful… you are beautiful… and you are beautiful… even if she looks like a frog.

(Benny nods)

***Ladies unfreeze***

Benny: (To Clara) You are beautiful… (glances at Clara’s cleavage)

***Men freeze***

Clara: (To Shade) Abeg why is he looking at my chest like that? (mimics Benny)

Shade: (Nonchalantly) Don’t mind him… that is how men do… they like breasts… Intelligent mumu…

Clara: (Worriedly) Does that means he is not experienced?

Shade: Experienced as in? You want to spoil yourself? Well, if he is not experienced, you can teach him…

Clara: How will I teach him what I don’t know?

Shade: (Sighs) Maybe you should take Bayo and I will take him… but Bayo is a pig… he will eat you anyhow and dump your bottom.

Clara: They are eating like pigs (mimics Bayo eating hurriedly)

Shade: Don’t mind them…

***Men unfreeze***

Shade: (To Bayo) Darling… won’t you feed me?

(Bayo grins… cuts a mound… scoops egusi soup on it and gently set it into Shade’s open mouth… Bayo winks at Benny… Benny nods… as he is about to deliver the pounded yam to Clara’s mouth, his hand jerks involuntarily and the whole “stuffs” falls from his fingers onto Clara’s cleavage.

Clara: (Screams) Jeeesssuuusss…!!! (Stares angrily at Benny)

(Benny is shocked too. He tries to retrieve the “ball” from Clara’s chest but Clara is so angry… she gives Benny a hot slap on the face. She shakes off the pounded yam and soup and dashes out of the restaurant. Shade quickly retrieves a black nylon from her bag and empties her food and Clara’s into it, She dumps the nylon into her bag, She skips to Bayo’s side… plants a kiss on his cheek… waves at Benny… and dashes after Clara. Benny shrugs and continues to eat)

Bayo: (Softly) Why were you looking at her chest like that?

Benny: Why did she expose her chest like that?

(Bayo sighs and continues eating too)

. . . . . . . .

(The plates are now empty. Bayo searches his pocket frantically as if looking for something…)

Bayo: Please o… I forgot my wallet at home… you will help me settle the bill please…

Benny: How much?

Bayo: 8k.

Benny: What? How many plates did we eat?

Bayo: A meal here is 2k… but she caused it… (hits Shade’s plates) all the things she ate alone costs 4k…

Benny: (Annoyed) Why are you associating with that kind of chop my money girl?

Bayo: Don’t worry… I will make sure I collect the money back from her.

Benny: How?

Bayo: Don’t worry… Where is the money nau… (signals at Waiter to come over)

(Benny retrieves his wallet… counts some cash and had over to the Waiter. They rise and exit the restaurant. Bayo grabs Benny’s hand and slaps the car keys into his palm)

Bayo: Abeg make you drive. I don tire…

(Benny starts the cars… shifts in reverse...)





Fade

BAYO THE COOK

(Its early in the morning. Benny is fast asleep half covered in thick blanket. His phone begins to ring. He stretches, yawns and picks the call)

Benny: Hello… who is calling please?

Clara: So you don’t have my number?

Benny: I’m sorry… can I have a name?

Clara: It’s Clara.

Benny: Oh… good morning. How are you? (massages his cheek)

Clara: Fine… ermm… I want to apologize about my conduct yesterday… I over reacted… I’ll feel very bad if someone slaps me too… are you there?

Benny: Yea… It was my fault really… I couldn’t just control my eyes…

Clara: I shouldn’t have worn that dress too… Are you still angry with me?

Benny: No no no… why should I be? It’s my fault… I dropped the thing in…

Clara: Oh stop it…

Benny: Ok… so… hmmm…

Clara: What?

Benny: When can we see again?

Clara: I can’t say o. I’ll be going to work now and maybe after closing…

Benny: I’ll give you a call.

Clara: Ok… Save my number o…

Benny: I will. Wish you a lovely day.

Clara: Thank you…

(Line goes blank. Benny drops the phone and sighs. He hears some sound from the kitchen. He gets up and walks cautiously to meet Bayo cooking in the kitchen)

Benny: (Unimpressed) Good morning sir. Please what are you doing here?

Bayo: (Smiles) I just decided to… try out some dishes…

Benny: Don’t you know foodstuffs are now expensive in the market?

Bayo: How will I know? Am I a market woman?

Benny: The last time you cooked, I don’t know whether you put salt to the soup or you put soup inside salt…

Bayo: I am not cooking soup. I’m cooking beans.

Benny: Who go chop am?

Bayo: Me and you.

Benny: (Arms akimbo) You and who?

Bayo: (Frowns) Benny, what is your problem? You have been complaining that I hardly cook… Now that I am cooking, you are still complaining.

Benny: Okkk… Just don’t add too much salt to it… me, I don’t want hypertension.

Bayo: Alright, so who are you going to see? I mean, the call?

Benny: That was Clara. She call called to apologize for the …

Bayo: Slap… That shows she’s a nice girl. Shade would never apologize.

Benny: I don’t want to talk about that girl.

Bayo: Ok… Clara’s husband.

Benny: At least, I am somebody’s husband. Whose husband are you? (Begins to count his fingers) Shade, Jennifer, Biola, Nifemi, Amina… (stops name calling and playfully sizes Bayo up and down)

Bayo: So you have been keeping diary of all the girls I have been with? Abeg commot!

Benny: Yes sir. And don’t put too much oil o.

Bayo: If you don’t shut up, I will call Clara to come and slap you again.

Benny: Abegi face your work. (walks lazily to the wardrobe and begin to check some clothes)

. . . . . . . . . . .

(Later in the day, Benny is at a boardroom meeting. He looks uncomfortable and would covertly massage his tummy at intervals. He soon begin to shift uneasily and then get up)

Benny: (Genuflects) Hmmm… excuse me please…

(Benny walks briskly out of the boardroom and once outside the room, he grabs his buttocks… runs to the toilet… hurriedly loosen his belt and squat over the toilet bowl… almost immediately, loud sounds of farting and gassing echoes from the toilet bowl. Benny sighs and sighs again in relief. Soon he smacks his face and begin to fan his nose. Not satisfied, he retrieves his handkerchief and covers his nose with it while he continues to fart. A little while later, he looks around)

Benny: Dammn… no tissue… how will I clean up? (peeps into an open drum) No water here too? Hmmm…

(Benny looks at his handkerchief. He shrugs, uses it to wipe his bum and dumps the handkerchief in the toilet. He wears his trouser, fastens his belt and wipes his brow with his hands. Then he turns the water closet’s handle to flush the toilet but no water came out)

Benny: Na wa o. No water here too?

(Benny covers grimaced and covers his nose with his hands. He uses his foot to close the toilet bowl and promptly exits the toilet. Back to the boardroom, a lady is making a presentation. Benny sits down on his chair and looks around self consciously. Suddenly, the Man beside Benny begin to
‘shake’ legs, gets up and excuses himself. Benny hurriedly packs his papers from the table and addresses the Director)

Benny: (Bows a little) Sir, I have to leave now…

Director: But we are not through with the meeting.

Benny: I’ve got an emergency to handle right now… I will get the minutes of the meeting from the Secretary.

Director: Alright, you can go.

Benny: Thank you sir.

(Benny waves at the other participants and calmly walks out of the room. Once outside, he looks right at the direction of the toilet, hugs his bag and runs out of the building)

. . . . . . . . .

(Meanwhile, the Man in the toilet frantically unzip his trouser while uncomfortably smacking his nose. As he opens the toilet lid, he yelps, convulse as if to vomit and scampers out of the toilet. After gaining his breath at the passage, he becomes angry and charges to the boardroom. Everyone is shocked as he barrages in)

Director: (Alarmed) What is the matter?

Man: Where is Benny?

Director: Please zip up your trouser first… (gestures at Man’s open zip)

(Man frowns angrily and zips up)

Director: So what happened?

Man: (Grumbles) Benny shit in the toilet, he didn’t flush. The smell nearly killed me…

Director: So what do you want us to do about that?

(Man excuses himself out of the room, retrieves his phone from his pocket and dials a call)

. . . . . . . . .

(Benny is about to start the car when his phone rings. He picks the call)

Benny: Hello…

Man: (Barking) Benny, why you nor flush the toilet?!

Benny: Which kind question be this nau?

Man: Come back and flush it o…

(Benny hisses loudly, cuts the call and dumps the phone on the passenger seat. He quickly starts the car, shift gear into reverse and snakes out of the parking lot. In no time, he is out on the road nodding his head to reggae lyrics booming from the car speakers)

I am a bad boy, I am a kingpin
I am the lord of, area boy-zes
If you try me, I dey wound oh
I beat to coma, I smoke igboo
What is big deal, in all these oh
What is big deal, I can’t see oh…

(Benny drives into a bank premise. He turns off the engine, picks up a fastfood take-away pack he had bought earlier, exits the car and heads into the banking hall. At the customer care section, Clara is busy attending to many customers. Benny sneaks up to the waiting corner, he stands around and quietly watch her working in admiration. Unfortunately for him, Shade suddenly burst out from nowhere and sees him)

Shade: Ahh… Benny… (Walks up to Benny and taps his shoulder)

Benny: (Surprised) Ohh… (tries to compose himself) wow… err… do you work here too?

Shade: Yes nau.

Benny: I thought your work at Heritage…

Shade: (Quickly uses her hand to cover Benny’s mouth) Ssshhhh… (frowns) what are you talking about? (looks around self consciously)

Benny: Oh… nothing…

Shade: (Still frowning) Oya go and meet your wife… in fact… (drags Benny to Clara’s table) Clara, please attend to this man.

(Clara looks up from the desktop computer and is somehow shocked. Shade playfully slaps Benny’s butt and disappears into another room)

Benny: Hi…

Clara: (Waves into the air) Oh stop that. Why didn’t you call me before coming? (continues typing into the keyboard)

Benny: I wanted to make it a surprise.

Clara: (Eyes the pack with Benny) So what did you bring for me?

Benny: Oh… I thought you sounded like you were in a hurry this morning and wouldn’t have much time so… well… I hope you like it. (hand over the package to Clara)

Clara: (Grabs the package) Thank you dear… (peers into the nylon) Oh my… (looks around at the customers and frowns) I’m sorry… (pulls a sheet to a customer) Please sign here…

(Shade comes out through another door. She sees the pack beside Clara. She quietly sneaks behind Clara’s chair, grabs the nylon and hurries away. Clara jumps from her seat, pursues Shade and caught with her in the middle of the hall. Clara grabs the lower end of the pack)

Shade: Wetin?

Clara: Is it yours? (pulls at the nylon)

Shade: Wait… There is human skull inside… (winks)

Clara: (Impatiently) Look, we are in the middle of the whole world. If the manager see us here…

(Clara tears the pack out of Shade’s hand and hurries away. Shade grabs Clara’s suit, drags her to her office and slams the door shut. Clara quickly unpack the nylon while Shade dives behind the desk to retrieve a spoon. They both begin to attack the rice and chicken ferociously)

. . . . . . . .

(In the hall, Benny begins to shift uneasily on his seat. He gets up abruptly, exits the banking hall and walks to the Security Guard at the gate)

Benny: (To the Guard) Good afternoon… please san I make use of your comfort station? (smiles and winks)

Guard: (Confused) Comfort station? There is no station here.

Benny: I mean… can I make use of your toilet?

Guard: (Grins) Yes sir… please go inside there… just go inside there…

(Benny nods and walks briskly to the toilet. He quickly loosens his belt, lower his trouser and sit on the toilet bowl. Loud farts soon follow. Benny recalls as he had been jovially eating the beans prepared by Bayo in the morning before setting out)

Benny: (Swearing) Kai... Bayo has finished me…

(Benny clenches his fist and gnashes teeth tightly as if to expel something out. He sighs, picks up tissue paper, wipes up and wars his trouser. As he turns the water closet handle to flush, no water comes out)

Benny: Shit... No water again… How do I flush now?

(Benny stands arm akimbo starring at nothing. He shrugs and exits the toilet. At the gate, he retrieves his wallet and squeezes N200 into the Guard’s palm)

Guard: (Laughing sheepishly) Thank you sir… Thank you sir

(Benny wears a fake smile, nodes and hurries to the car. In a flash, he reverses the car out of the parking lot and drives to the gate. Guard swiftly opens the gate. Benny waves at him and speeds off. Guard closes the gate and is about to sit down when he perceives a foul odour. He hurries to the toilet and peers into the toilet bowl)

Guard: Hhhmmmfff… Na shit this man come shit…

(Guard suddenly dashes out as if chasing something. He looks outside the gate at passing cars, shrugs and returns to his post)

. . . . . . . . . .

(Back in the office, Shade and Clara are busy haggling about how to share the chicken when the office door flings open with the Bank Manager stands at the door staring hard at Clara. Shade swiftly hides the chicken behind her. Clara sneaks a hand behind Shade, tears off most of the meat… walks “carefully” to the Manager with her hands behind her… clings her back to the door post and briefly exits to the banking hall. She swiftly stuffs the chicken meat into her mouth and hurries to her seat… all the waiting customers are staring at her)

Clara: I’m sorry… I went to the toilet…

Customer 1: And what are you eating… see oil on your mouth…

Clara: (Embarrased) Ouch… (retrieves her handkerchief and wipes her mouth) thank you…


. . . . . . . . .

(Meanwhile, Bayo is on a bike going home. He is shifting uncomfortably on the motorcycle)

Bike Man: Oga… abeg sit well nau

Bayo: (Wipes sweat off his brow) My brother… shit dey hold me o… Abeg park beside that bush…

(Bike Man applies brake and parks beside some tall bushes. Bayo jumps from the bike and scampers into the bush to defecate. Then he plucks large leaves, wipes his bum with it and returns to the road. The Bike Man starts the motorcycle and ferries Bayo home. At the gate Bayo gives Bike Man N100. Bike Man promptly prop out the parking lever and un-mount the bike)

Bike Man: What is this? Abeg take jare. (Thrusts the note at Bayo)

Bayo: Wetin? No be N100 we agree on?

Bike Man: All the time you spend inside bush nko?

Bayo: If na you stop to shit for bush, I go charge you for the time you spend?

Bike Man: Abeg gimme me my money jor.

(Bayo angrily retrieves N50 from his wallet, flings it at Bike Man and walks angrily into the compound. He pets the car’s roof, jumps on the verandah and enters the house. He goes straight to the kitchen to check the pots. They are all cleaned out. He sighs in relief and walks to the bedroom. Benny is on his bed swinging his legs in rhythm)

Bayo: What happened to the beans?

Benny: (Stops swinging his legs) Well… when I came back, I saw a dead rat on the floor… I went to the kitchen and saw another dead rat near the pot… (wearily) The beans is in the dustbin. (Turns to sleep)


(Bayo chuckles… giggles… then begin to UnCloth…)

Benny: I thought Shade works at Heritage? I saw her at Clara’s place and was surprised.

Bayo: She juggles the two banks together.

Benny: Ah, how is that possible?

Bayo: That girl… she likes money.

Benny: You too, you don’t like money abi?

Bayo: Make she just dey help me get contracts from her customers… that’s all I care for.

Benny: Bad boy… You have body odour… please go take your bath.

Bayo: (Tongue out) Whatever… (skips to the bathroom)





Fade

SHE CAME, SHE SAW…

(It’s a hot afternoon. Benny arrives home and begin to take off and hang his clothes. He is all sweaty. He walks to the fan and switches it on, no response)

Benny: (Hisses loudly) We have the resources, we have the money, we have the manpower, yet to generate ordinary 5,000 megawatts is a problem for some stupid people… useless country.

(Benny yawns, sits wearily on the bed, then he get up and walk lazily to the bathroom, removes his boxer and begin to shower)

. . . . . . .

(Outside the compound, Bayo arrives with Shade seated beside him. He parks the car beside the gate. He looks lustfully at her, exit the car and walks to the gate. Shade remains seated in the car unmoved. Bayo stops at the gate, walks back to the car and opens the door)

Bayo: Oya come down nau.

Shade: Come down for what?

Bayo: Come and cook for me.

Shade: You know we have to get back to the office quick abi you don’t want the contract again? We will eat out later.

Bayo: Come inside nau.

Shade: (Impatiently) Go and take whatever you want to take and lets go.

(Bayo grabs Shade by the arm and “pulls” her out of the car. Shade grudgingly follows him into the compound. At the door, Bayo puts the key into the door to open it. The door opens at one turn of the key)

Bayo: This boy didn’t lock the door before he left home? Since Clara slapped him, he has been misbehaving… (smiles at Shade as they both enter the parlor)

Shade: (Looks away) Abeg hurry. I don’t have time… (sits on a cushion)

Bayo: Ok then… no need to play around anymore…

(Bayo walks briskly into the bedroom. Everywhere is neat and orderly. He picks a can of air refresher and buzzed the air with it. He gently places the can on the table and dashes to the parlor. Then he rushes back to the parlour, grabs Shade’s hand, drags her to the bedroom and begin to kiss her neck. Shade tries to push him off but soon become more relaxed and wraps her arms around Bayo’s neck. They both begin to kiss and smooch as if in a great hurry)

. . . . . . . .

(In the bathroom, Benny hears some funny sounds. He cocks his head to listen but couldn’t hear anything. He shrugs, turns off the shower and looks for his towel. It isn’t in its usual place. He looks out through the bathroom window and sees the towel hung on a line outside. He hisses loudly, wipes off water from his body, picks his boxer, opens the bathroom door and walks nude ino the bedroom. He sees Bayo and Shade kissing hotly… Bayo’s shirt off… Shade’s skirt on the floor… Bayo tries to pull off Shade’s blouse… then she sees him)

Shade: (Screams) Jeeeessuuss…!

(Shade quickly looks away. Bayo turns and sees Benny starring angrily at him. He signals at Benny to cover his crotch with his hands. Benny seems to be shocked and didn’t respond. Shade quickly picks her skirt, snatches her blouse from Bayo’s hand and bolts out of the room)

Benny: What is she doing here?

Bayo: Abeg wear your boxer first… (looks away embarrassed)

Benny: Ok… (wears his boxer) so what is she doing here? (arms akimbo)

Bayo: Err… you know on Saturday, she ate my money and I told you I will collect the money back from her…

Benny: By kissing her and taking off her clothes?

Bayo: Common… you be man nau…

Benny: Bayo, we have agreement not to bring woman into this house… if you want to fornicate, are their no more guest houses in the town?

Bayo: Abeg no vex… na mistake… (his phone rings. He checks the caller, picks up his shirt and hurries into a pair of leather sandal)

Benny: You know what? You are going to bring her back here.

Bayo: (Startled) What for?

Benny: She has seen my bulala and she must eat it.

Bayo: Ah… Benny… flee fornication… flee fornication… Ok, make I go bring am... I dey come… I dey come… (hurries out of the room)

Benny: (Charges angrily after Bayo) Come back here… where are you going to?

Bayo: I am going to bring her back for you nau… (opens the living room door and jumps down the verandah and hurries to the gate )

Benny: (Stands at the verandah swearing) Leave her alone… Come back here… if you leave this compound, don’t come back o… choose between me and that girl…

Bayo: (Stops abruptly) Eh? Come… do you have breasts on your chests or do you have honey pot between your legs?

Benny: (Fumes) So what?

Bayo: So what? Bye bye… (hurries out of the compound with his head bowed)

Benny: Don’t come back here o… just stay with her… see his head like honey pot… Your papa forget rubber before e go meet your mama… oblongata…!!.. (walks back into the house and slams the door shut)



Fade

WOMAN WRAPPER

(It’s a Sunday. Benny and Bayo are both dressed ready to go out. Benny is formally dressed while Bayo is clad in workman’s overall.)

Bayo: Wetin you dey go do for Clara church?

Benny: Didn’t Shade invite you?

Bayo: She said they are having “special program”… me too, I have “special work” to do.

Benny: I am tired of begging you to go to church. I have given up.

Bayo: (Smiles soberly and cock his head) God nor dey give up on sinner.

Benny: For where? Who told you that? God gave up on King Saul.

Bayo: I nor be King Saul.

Benny: I nor be God too.

Bayo: (Chuckles) I hear… oya lets go and pick those girls… am getting late…

Fade

********

(Bayo parks in front of Clara & Shade’s compound and honk the car horn. Soon, the gate is opens and Shade and Clara, both gaily dressed in Iro and Buba with matching head tie catwalk towards the car… Shade freezes on seeing Bayo. She walks to the Driver side of the car angrily)

Shade: (Points at Bayo) Who is this?

Bayo: Your husband.

Shade: God forbid. This is not my husband. This is a mechanic, labourer, waste management worker!

(Clara claps her hands in amazement)

Bayo: Eh? Ok… when I get paid, you nor go chop the money o.

Shade: Are you now saying I am after your money?

Bayo: (Hands up) I didn’t say that o…

Clara: Abeg lets go before you too start your romantic quarrels… (enters the car)

Benny: Romantic quarrels indeed… (enters the car too)

(Shade hisses loudly and joins them in. Bayo’s facial expression is a mix of happy, frowning and indifferent. He engages the gear and drives off. Few blocks from church, Bayo slows down and park a few blocks from the church. Benny and Clara disembark. Shade remains in the car with Bayo)

Shade: (Softly) Promise me you will go to church next week.

Bayo: (Wearily) Ok.

Shade: Are you sure?

Bayo: (Looks the his wrist watch)Yeah…

(Shade leans over and pecks Bayo on the cheek. The she opens the door and step out of the car. Hardly had Shade closed the door than Bayo stepped on the accelerator. The door closes with a tip of Shade’s wrapper in it. As Bayo drives off, Shade’s wrapper flew along with it).

Shade, Benny, Clara: Aahh!!! Bayo! Bayo!

(Bayo had already gone far. Benny grabs shell shocked Shade and guides her to a closed corner. He quickly takes off his trouser and gives it to her. Clara retrieves her phone and calls Bayo.)

Shade: (Stammering) How… how can I wear … wear trouser and buba when I am not a mad person.

Clara: He’s not picking.

Benny: He won’t pick. (To Shade) Don’t worry… please wear it.

(Takes off his shirt and gives it to Shade. Benny is now wearing only a large vest and baggy boxers. Shade nods “painfully” at Benny and changes into the clothes)

Shade: (Swearing) Tell Bayo… if I see him again… I will take knife and stab him…
Benny: Me… if I see him… I will flog him…

Clara: (Chuckle) No more church. Abeg lets go back home…


*********

(At the Construction Site, Bayo parks in front of the uncompleted building. He checks his phone and sees “many” missed calls. He wears a puzzled look. He exits the car and calls Benny. As he walks slowly from the car, he sees Shade’s dusty and tattered wrapper hanging from the car’s door. He quickly cut the call and walks slowly closer to the wrapper. He stands looking arms akimbo… then clasp his hands over his head soberly)



Fade

IF YOU REALLY LOVE ME…

(Benny drives slowly and park in front of Shade’s place… Bayo is in the passenger’s side.)

Benny: (Turns off the ignition) So… how are you going to do it?

Bayo: Ah ah… Na you say make I come beg am nau… tell me how I will do it.

Benny: Hmmm… you practically stripped her naked…

Bayo: (Embarrassed) Okkk… you don’t have to repeat that again.

Benny: Alright. When we get inside, just go on your kneels… beg her and tell her you are sorry…

Bayo: (Frowns) Me? Kneel down for a woman? I can’t do that o…

Benny: (Sighs) Let’s go back home then… ()Turns on the ignition).

Bayo: (Turns off the ignition and pulls out the key) So… after kneeling down… what else?

Benny: Beg her… tell her you are sorry…

Bayo: (Distressed) I don’t know how to beg o jare.

Benny: Just do like this… (clasps his knees together) Shade, abeg… no vex… abeg…

Bayo: Ah, forget it. I can’t do that.

Benny: Why not?

Bayo: Whenever we are doing that thing, she is the one that begs me…

Benny: (Frowns) Which thing? (Bayo looks away) You have been committing fornication? Fornication?! The Bible says flee fornication… no adulator, fornicator or proud person shall see the kingdom of God…

(Bayo jumps out of the car and walks briskly to the gate. Benny locks the car and hurries after him... Bayo stops abruptly at the doorstep. A loud boom of “E Wa Ba Mi Jo” is oozing from the living room. He signals at Benny to keep mute… crouches over the window to peep and behold, Clara, dressed in spaghetti top and bum shots, is dancing vigorously to the beats unaware she is being watched)

Eyin babe come, it is now your turn
Hip no dey lie, I say hip no dey lie
Oya prove it!
Twist your hip
Twist your hip
Twist your hip…

(As the song plays to end, Benny and Bayo begin to clap in admiration. Clara is startled… she rushes to the door, pulls it open and pokes out her head as if in shock…)

Bayo: (Still clapping)Na wa o. so you can dance so well… I will take you to the club tonight…

Benny: Which club? You want to spoil her for me? Abeg commot. (gently shoves Bayo)

Clara: How long have you two been there?!

Bayo: Maybe… two minutes…

Clara: Two minutes?! Ah… you are both very wicked…

Benny: Haba… wetin we do?
Clara: If I were dancing nude, you’ll have seen everything… (Makes way for the guys to enter and closes the door)

Benny: Why would you be dancing nude?

Clara: You are in ladies house… ok? Watch your boundary.

Benny: (Sinks into a sofa) Ok… where is Shade?

Clara: She is sleeping.

Benny: Please tell her she has visitor o.

Clara: Ok… Brb… (turns to go indoors and then stops abruptly and walk up to Bayo) Can I make use of your phone please?

Bayo: Sure… (retrieves his phone from his pocket and hands it over to her)

(Clara browses through Bayo’s phone for some time and gives it back to him. She turns to Benny and sits with outstretched hands)

Clara: And you?

Benny: Aha… Doesn’t he have credit?

Clara: (Cocks her head) Your phone pleaassee?

(Benny shrugs and gives her his phone. Clara browses through the phone as usual and gives it back to Benny)

Clara: My dad is a Major General… if either of you have hidden the video of my dance in your phone or it leaks online, soldiers will beat you o o …

(Benny and Bayo burst into laughter)

Clara: (Embarrassed) What is so funny about what I said?

Benny: (Tries to suppress his laughter) Don’t worry… in fact, I owe you a can of Origin… you can twerk o…

Clara: Origin? I don’t want.

Benny: What do you want?

Clara: Nothing. Excuse me please… (hurries indoors)

Bayo: (Whisper into Benny’s ear) If it is Shade, she would ask for iphone…

Benny: Hmmm… Women…

Bayo: You are very lucky to have that girl. (pinches Benny)

Benny: (Shrugs him off) I know what you are thinking.

Bayo: What am I thinking?

Benny: Fornication…

Bayo: (Smiles dryly) hmmm…

. . . . . .

(In the bedroom, Shade is asleep face down clutching a Bible… Clara enters, smacks her bum and skips to the wardrobe)

Shade: (Groans as if in pain) Hmmm… What is it?

Clara: You have visitor… (wears a baggy jeans trouser)

Shade: Who is it?

Clara: (Shrugs) I don’t know o…

Shade: Are you going out?

Clara: Oh no… (takes off the trouser… picks a “Deeper Life” skirt… wears it and examine herself in the mirror) Go check your visitor nau. You want to kill yourself because of Bayo?

Shade: Oh stop it… I don’t want to hear that name again. (Gets up lazily and walks out of the room followed by Clara. In the living room, she is startled to see the guys. Her weary face turns to a frown) Clara, who is that pig sitting there? (points to Bayo)

Clara: (Evasively) I don’t know him o…

Shade: (Raises her voice) You don’t know him? Is he a stranger to you?

Clara: Yes nau…

Shade: (Angrily) Clara, you are very mad.

Clara: Ah… I said I don’t know him.

Shade: (Points to Benny) But you know that one?

Clara: Both of them… I don’t know any of them.

(The guys giggle)

Shade: (Swears) When they have gone, we are going to fight and I am going to whop your ass… (Walks to Bayo and points to the door) Get out of my house.

Bayo: (Pleading) Shade… Please I am very sorry about what happened…

Shade: (Stretches out her palm) Where is my wrapper?

Bayo: Ah... I forgot it at home… darling I am…

Shade: (Lands a slap on Bayo’s face) Who is you darling? You think I am stupid? You will use me anyhow and dump me later? Three good years what have you done for me? Get out of my house… get out… (begins to pull Bayo’s shirt aggressively)

Bayo: (Kneels down and begin to beg) Ah… Shade… you know I love you… It was a mistake…

Shade: (Thunders) I said get out of my house! … Benny, please carry your friend away…

Benny: Errmm… Shade… he is very sorry. You can see he is on his knees…

Shade: (Laughs in amusement and claps) Ahahahahahaha… Look, I have known Bayo before you met him. I know this boy from head to toe… He is just pretending to be sorry. The Bayo I know can never willingly kneel down to beg anybody.

Benny: That is not true. If he offends people, he apologizes. He loves you very much otherwise, he won’t be here.

Shade: (Sternly) Bayo does not love me, okay!

Bayo: Shade, I love you…

Shade: Shut up!

Benny: How do you want him to prove that he really loves you?

Shade: He doesn’t need to prove anything… I know it in my heart...

Bayo: I can swear…

Shade: (Irritated) You… wait for me… (dashes to the kitchen)

Clara: Shade, nor go carry knife o.

Shade: (Barks) Wetin consign you?

(In the kitchen, Shade locks the door. She opens a pot… grabs a small mortar and pestle… she takes two spoons of beans from the pot, dump into the mortar and mashed the beans. Then she rolls the beans into a sousage with her hands, picks a dish and place the beans sausage in it. She uses the residue left in the mortar to smear the dish… she covers the dish, open the door and dashes to the palor. Clara cautiously move away from her. Shade hisses and dashes to the the toilet, adjusts her dress and and walks back to the living room while wiping her hands on her dress. She places the dish on the table before Bayo and sit beside him)

Shade: Bayo, do you love me?

Bayo: (Nods vigorously) Yes I do…

Shade: Ok… If you really love me, oya eat it… (points to the dish)

(Bayo cautiously opens the dish. He looks bemused at the “sausage”)

Bayo: (Uncomfortably) What is this?

Shade: What is it? It is my shit.

Clara: Ah… abasi mbok…

Benny: Shade, try and be reasonable… how do you expect a human being to eat feces?

Shade: You said I should test him, he swore he can do anything for me, now I give him my shit on a platter... (softly) darling, eat my shit nau, or don’t you love me again?

Bayo: (Look away embarrassed) Eh, I can’t eat shit…

Shade: (Springs to her feet) If you can’t eat shit, then you don’t love me. Just get up and get out of my house.

Benny: Oh no… Give him another test… not this shit thing.

Shade: Benny, don’t make me angry with you o. I’m am only tolerating this pig here because of you… Bayo, eat the shit nau…

(Shade cuts some of the “shit” with her hand and attempt to feed Bayo with it. Bayo moves his head away. She grabs him by the shirt and tries to force him to eat it… Bayo struggles to free himself from her grip. Shade hisses, smears the “shit” on Bayo’s shirt and rushes to the kitchen. She returns with a knife and charges at Bayo… Bayo didn’t wait, bolts out of the house. Shade drops the knife and stands still. Clara signals at Benny to go. Benny nods and leaves. Shade sits on the floor and begins to weep. Clara pulls Shade to a chair and begin to pet her)

. . . . . . .

(Outside, Benny walks briskly out of the compound and pressed the car’s remote. Bayo sluggishly opens the door and gets into the car. Benny soon joins him. He looks at Bayo, Bayo looks away. Benny starts the car and sniffs the air. He looks at Bayo again, scratches some of the “shit” off Bayo’s shirt and tries to taste it but Bayo grabs his hand)

Bayo: Wetin? You want to die?

Benny: Nobody dies from eating shit.

Bayo: (Brings out his handkerchief and swiftly wipes Benny’s hand) If you must eat shit, at least it won’t be her own. Stupid girl…

Benny: I don’t think it is shit.

Bayo: Whatever…

(Benny scrapes Bayo’s shirt again… he sniffs the “shit”, cautiously taste it, closes his eyes tightly and sighs)

Bayo: (Curious) What is it?

Benny: Beans… (starts the car and shifts gear to Drive)

(Bayo scrapes some of the smear and tastes it. He looks at Benny in disbelief)

Benny: You failed a simple test… F9…

Bayo: I didn’t know nau…

Benny: How will you know? Does a teacher set a simple exam for her students? At least, you should have smelled it.

(Bayo releases his seat belt and attempts to open the door but Benny steps on the throttle and drives off)




Fade

MAGNETIC BACKSIDE

(Benny slows down along the way and pulls the car to a stop in front of a roadside restaurant)

Bayo: What are we doing here?

Benny: (Unhooks his seat belt) What do they do in a restaurant?

Bayo: I don’t have money o.

Benny: (Chuckles) Then sit down there… (exits the car)

(Both men walk into the restaurant and take a empty table)

Bayo: (Calls out) Mama Put…. Where you dey o?

Mama Put: I dey come o… (hurries to their table with all smiles) welcome… wetin una go chop?

Bayo: Give me eba and egusi…

Benny: Eba… eba… eba... You too like eba…

Bayo: (Waves Benny off) Abeg nor mind am. Put kponmo join o.

Mama Put: (Laughs) I no go mind am… (To Benny) Oga, what about you?

Benny: Put rice, plantain and fish…

Bayo: (Cuts in) Fish… fish… fish… you too like fish.

Mama Put: (Laughs and walks away) I dey come… I dey come…

Benny: You talk as if you don’t like fish too.

Bayo: You talk as if you don’t like eba.

Benny: (Giggles) I no get time to power to argue with you. So… wetin you go do about Shade?

Bayo: Leave her…Later, she will come and beg me.

Benny: You are too proud…

Bayo: I tried nau. I beg am, I kneel down… I should eat her shit too…

Benny: (Teasingly) Mr. Beans…

Bayo: Beans kini? If I hear…

(Mama Put returns with their food and serves them and returns to her “corner”. The guys begin to eat, each absorbed in his thoughts. Benny begins to eye Bayo’s kponmo. He coughs… grins and then “snatches” it from Bayo’s plate)

Bayo: (Shrugs) Na you go pay… (calls out) Mama Put, abeg bring me another…

(Bayo sees a lady walking by. He is dumbfounded at her physique… she has a well rounded “backside”… not too big and not too small. He quickly rinse his hands, wipe his hands on his shirt and walks out of the restaurant. As he steps on the wood covering the open gutter, the wood breaks under Bayo’s weight and he falls into the gutter)

Bayo: (Screams) Yeeeehhhh…

(The lady turns and sees Bayo in the gutter soaked with sewage water. She shrugs and walks away briskly. Meanwhile, Benny quickly rushes his food, drop the car key on the table, and sneak out of the restaurant through the back door. Bayo slowly climbs out of the gutter. Mama Put rushes out with a basin of water and soap)

Mama Put: Abeg make you no vex. I no know say the wood don weak… Eh… sorry… abeg wash your hands… (calls out to her assistant) Salome… Salome… (angrilly) where this stupid girl waka go again…

(Bayo looks into the restaurant and sees Benny’s seat empty. He quietly collects the water from Mama Put and begins to wash his legs)


. . . . . . . .

(Benny is watching TV when Bayo arrives home. Benny looks at him, nods his head and continue watching TV. Bayo walks over and sit opposite Benny)

Bayo: Benny, you are very wicked…

Benny: (Startled) Ah ah… wetin I do you?

Bayo: So because I fell into gutter, you ran away and left me…

Benny: You too… Why did you leave your food? You see a stranger and you just got and went after her…

Bayo: When you went to hang your neck on Sharon’s window, did I abandon you?

Benny: This one is different. Every time you see woman backside, your head will just scatter and will leave whatever you are doing to go chase the woman...

Bayo: (Stands up wearily) You are judging me? Are you the Lord? You holy pass? Ordinary woman pant and bra, you will go and sniff… (mimics sniffing)

Benny: (Wears a confused look) Huh…

Bayo: Huh? (waves into the air and walk slowly indoors)



Fade

IS SHE WORTH THE HASSLES?

(It’s a cloudy day. Benny wakes up with a turgid “stick” and rushes to the bathroom to ease himself. He looks around for Bayo, checks the parlor and finally pops sees Bayo sitting quietly in the car. He wears his slippers and slowly descend the verandah, walks to the car, open the passenger door and sits down)

Bayo: (Soberly) Good morning.

Benny: Good morning… what is happening here?

(Bayo turns on the ignition and points to the fuel gauge)

Benny: No fuel? Now that is a problem.

Bayo: Big problem. I am broke… fuel scarcity… no contract… I am just tired.

Benny: What about me? Consultant job with no stable pay… it’s not every time ICT related technical jobs…

Bayo: What about the ICT hub you want to set up?

Benny: Where is the money?

Bayo: Maybe you should talk to Shade about it to help you get loan.

Benny: I don’t need loan… what I need is a finance partner.

Bayo: That one is hard to find. Naija people prefer to buy flashy cars, stay in expensive hotels and go abroad shopping for useless things than set up a good business with the money. I wonder why God gives stupid people plenty money while the honest guys are out there struggling.

Benny: How do you know it is God that gave them the money they’re blowing away? The devil also gives money too.

Bayo: (Chuckles) Oya bring 5k make we go buy fuel.

Benny: I don’t have a dime on me. Sometimes I wonder how I have been surviving.

Bayo: So how do we fuel the car?

Benny: Ask God.

Bayo: God? Ok… wait for me.

(Bayo lazily gets out of the car and disappears to the backyard. He returns with a big basin and25 litres gallon of water. He drops the basin, empties the gallon into it… rushes back ot the backyard to fetch another gallon of water… then he disappears into the house and returns with two Bibles)

Benny: You want to wash the car with the Bibles or what?

Bayo: (Thrusts Benny’s Bible at him) oya come here… you are a pastor… you are going to pray to Got to turn the water into fuel…

Benny: (Amused) What type of fuel?

Bayo: (Hisses) Ask me again.

Benny: Oya start praying nau.

Bayo: I don’t know how to pray… You are a pastor… so… you say the prayer.

Benny: Ah, you want me to pray for God to turn the water in the basin and gallon into petrol?

Bayo: Yes nau… na you say make we ask God for fuel.

Benny: Ok… Open the boot…

(Bayo rushes for the remote and unlocks the boot. Benny retrieves a pipe hose from the trunk, opens the fuel tank, dips one end of the pipe into the basin…)

Bayo: (Puzzeled) What are you doing?

Benny: I want to siphon the water into the fuel tank.

Bayo: Are you mad?

Benny: Haba!

Bayo: I said you should pray for water to turn to fuel, you want to pour water into the car…

Benny: Miracles don’t happen that way… you have to pour the water into the vessel first… As Elijah had to fill the alter with water before fire came from heaven, as Naaman had to dip himself into Jordan before he could be healed, so do we have to pour the water into the tank first… (Sucks water from the basin and attempts to insert it into the car tank)

Bayo: (Grabs Bayo’s hand) Eh? Look… if you spoil the car…

Benny: (Seriously) You just blew the miracle because you don’t have faith.

Bayo: Faith ko, Pamela ni… if the engine spoils, is it faith that will buy another engine?

Benny: Lookatew…

(They both burst into laughter. Bayo scoops a handful of water and splashes it at Benny… Benny’s phone begins to ring. He rushes inside to pick it. It’s Clara calling)

Benny: Hi babe…

Clara: Hi bobo… how body?

Benny: I’m good. What’s up with you?

Clara: Nothing. I am at home alone, bored and cold…

Benny: What about Shade?

Clara: She went out.

Benny: So how can I help out?

Clara: Can you come and keep my company?

Benny: Ok… I’m coming. Expect me in an hour time.

Clara: Ok… Hurry up…

(Benny cuts the line and begin to jerk about excitedly. As he turns, he sees Bayo standing at the door post staring at him)

Benny: (Chuckles) Do you now work for the CIA?

Bayo: Maybe… You won jackpot?

Benny: Far from it. Clara called… say she’s lonely, bored and cold…

Bayo: (Excitedly) Oh boy… you’ve got a golden opportunity. She’s feeling cold? Oh my God… Hurry up… don’t miss this opportunity.

Benny: (Unimpressed) Opportunity to do what?

Bayo: (Sarcastically) Ask google… Ewu Jambito.


(Benny sniffs at Bayo, hurriedly takes off his clothes and dashes to the bathroom. Bayo retires to his bed, picks his phone and begin to play music)

Konji Konji, Konji na bastard
If he hold you, you cannot think
Until you have, discharge the thing
When you finish, your eyes don clear
You go sit down, come dey lament,
Why o, why o, why I waste money?
Just because of, five minutes madness…

. . . . . . . . . . .

(About 30 minutes later, Benny is fully dressed ready to go out. He suddenly sits on the bed looking visibly worried. Bayo stops the music)

Bayo: Aren’t you going again?

Benny: (Dejected) No fuel in the car nau.

Bayo: Maybe you should take bike.

Benny: I don’t have a dime on me… (walks to the window and peers out) the weather is bad.

Bayo: (Retrieves N200 from his pocket, rolls it into a cigar and throws it at Benny) That’s my last card, manage it.

Benny: Rain can fall anytime from now…

Bayo: Go jor. With the cold, it will be sweeter…

Benny: I beg you in God’s name, don’t spoil me o…

Bayo: You don spoil already. All those kamasultra videos inside your laptop… hmmm…

Benny: Amebor…

(Benny grabs an umbrella and hurries out of the house. It is now drizzling. He opens the umbrella and walks on along the road until a Bike Man in full rain gear rides up to him and slows down. Benny climbs the bike in relief and waves the Bike Man on. Rain begins to fall harder as the bike gathers speed. Suddenly, a gust of wind wrecks the open umbrella. Benny assesses the umbrella and throws it away. Along the way, the bike begins to jerk and slows down to a halt)

Benny: (Shivering) Go on nau…

Bike Man: Abeg no vex…

(Bike man quickly opens the bike’s fuel tank and peers in, shakes the bike between his legs. He sighs and closes the tank)

Bike Man: Oga abeg come down…

Benny: (Wipes rain from his eyebrow) Why?

Bike Man: Fuel don finish.

Benny: (Angrily climbs down from the bike) Why you dey carry people when you know say you no get fuel for machine?

Bike Man: Fuel dey scarce nau… I say make I go that filling station go buy fuel but the one for tank no reach… no vex abeg... I for say make you enter another okada but okada no dey…

Benny: (Impatiently) So how will you get the fuel?

Bike Man: (Adjusts the bike’s gear and begins to push the bike along) Make we dey go… station no far…

Benny: (Arms akimbo) I trek in the rain?

Bike Man: (Pleading) Abeg no vex… Everywhere na bush… no shelter… you go take my rain coat?

Benny: (Sighs) Don’t worry…

(Benny begins to walk along haplessly. His phone begins to ring with low battery alert. He stares at the screen undecided whether to pick the call or not. Suddenly, a shiny black Range Rover zooms at full speed past them and splashes the rain water on the road on Benny. Benny stops, cocks looks at his dress and cocks his head angrily as if to reprimand the SUV’s driver. He increases pace to catch up with the bike man)

. . . . . . . . . . .

(Bayo half asleep on his bed with music blaring from his phone)

Poverty is a bigger bastard
One fine day, you dey waka
Waka dey waka
Then suddenly, one small boy
Driving big car, zoom pass you
You go bite finger,
Kai… kai, kai… kai
Baba god wetin I do?
Why you dey suffer me?
If I commit sin, God forgive me
Baba God d’ari jimi
Baba God bless me, Baba God bless me…


(Benny enters the bedroom tiredly and kicks Bayo’s bed. Bayo jerks awake, stops the music, sits up and surveys Benny)

Bayo: Did you go to swim in a river?

Benny: Ask google… ewu jambito… (puts off his trouser)

Bayo: Don’t tell me rain beat you… where is the umbrella?

Benny: (Flatly) Spoilt.

Bayo: (Aghast) Ah… sorry. I was trying to call you to come back but your phone was switched off. What happened to your phone?

Benny: Low battery… (picks the wet trouser from the floor and retrieves his phone from the pocket) Why were you calling me?

Bayo: Clara… She called that she is going to cinema with Shade…

Benny: (Springs up frowning) Cinema? Thank God I didn’t waste my time going to her place.

Bayo: Where did you go then?

Benny: The useless okada man… didn’t have fuel… at the petrol station, I told him to turn back. (Flings the trouser into a corner)

Bayo: (Nods) That is better.

Benny: So in summary, I got drenched in the rain because one pussy cat is lonely and later went to the cinema? (Hits himself on the head and points at Bayo) You caused it.

Bayo: Ah… me?

Benny: (Mimics Bayo) Its cold… It will be sweeter…

Bayo: Oya return my N200…

Benny: (Cocks his ear) Ehn? Okay…

(Benny walks to Bayo, turns his butt at him, lets out a loud fart and runs to the bathroom. Bayo turns his face away and then charges after Benny but the bathroom door is already locked)






Fade

THE FEAR OF DOG…

(Benny wakes up, sits up on the bed and gazes at the wall clock. Its 5:13 am. He staggers sleepily to the bathroom to ease himself and returns to his bed to sleep. He suddenly gets up again, put on soccer shoes, a vest, and begins to search for his key. Having found it, he unlocks the doors, gate and begins to jog along the road. He then begins to prance and exercise vigorously turning from street to street. As he jogs into a new street, a dog begins to bark. Benny, unperturbed, continues to jog gently. Suddenly, Benny hears a growl behind him. He turns and sees a black Alsatian dog with shiny eyes staring coldly at him. Benny shrieks and suddenly sprints away. The dog watches Benny run away from some seconds and then decides to pursue him away from the street so it charges after Benny. Benny turns and sees the dog chasing him. He panics and increases his speed. The street’s exit gate is still locked. Benny runs to the Security Guard’s house, kicks the door open and slams the door shut. )

Guard & Girlfriend: (Shocked) Wayo Allah!!!

(Guard and Girlfriend were having a hot, sweaty sex bout when Benny suddenly bolted into the room. The Girlfriend quickly grabs the bed sheet and covers herself. Benny and the Guard stare quietly at each other for about ten seconds. Then Guard suddenly pulls a well sharpened machete from nowhere and waves it menacingly at Benny)

Benny: (Shrieks) Hiiaahhh… abeg…

(Benny quickly opens the door and runs out of the room. The dog is nowhere to be found. Benny quietly crouch tiptoes out of the street)

. . . . . . . . . . .

(Back home, Benny arrives worn out. He goes straight to his bed and tosses himself on the foam. Bayo jerks awake and sits up. Benny is breathing so heavily and groaning as if in pain)

Bayo: (Confused) What is the matter?

Benny: (Waves a hand wearily in the air) Gimme water… gimme water…






Fade

BOYS ARE NOT SMILING

(Benny and Bayo are outside in the house compound discussing Bayo is looking so dull)

Bayo: Mehn… being broke is not funny.

Benny: At all. But when you compare we compare our condition to many other people outside who don’t have food to eat, at least, we thank God.

Bayo: Abi. Over-thinking wan burst my head.

Benny: What have you been thinking about?

Bayo: (Grumbles) Aha… I need money nau…

Benny: (Sarcastically) Money for what? Beer abi you want to take Shade to a five star hotel?

Bayo: (Sulks) I go blow you o…

Benny: (Chuckles) Hmmm… So why don’t you go out and hunt for contracts?

Bayo: Shade nau… I don’t know anybody. She is the one that sweet talks those pot bellies money bags to give me those building contracts. We were discussing about doing POP and painting one Honorable’s house when this wrapper thing happened.

Benny: How much is the contract worth?

Bayo: POP one point five million… painting is one million. We are still discussing tile money.

Benny: (Shocked) Eh? And you are sitting down there lamenting about money?

Bayo: I didn’t like the way she runs everything as if she is the director… since armed robbers came here, every time I need money to buy materials and I contact the Clients for money, they will say they will give the money to Shade…

Benny: Is she the one that will work on the house?

Bayo: (Sulks) She called all of them and told them not give me money again…

Benny: That reminds me… So what will happen if you two break up?

Bayo: (Smiles mischievously) Ehn? I will die… that must not happen… at least, not now. As she dey like that, she is sitting on over ten million naira… different contracts scattered here and there.

Benny: Then why don’t you marry her?

Bayo: I can’t marry Shade o, no way.

Benny: Why not? At least, you two complement each other…

Bayo: (Waves at Benny) I can’t try it. If we ever get married, she will be the husband, I will be the wife.

Benny: How? She doesn’t have a dick and you don’t have pussy.

Bayo: Abeg park those grammar… (gets up and begins to mimic Shade) Bayooo... that duplex at Chevron Estate… take five hundred thousand… go and paint it. (Catwalks a little) Bayooo… Chief Ajasco gave me thirty million naira to build a bungalow for his new wife… Take one million naira, go and buy cement…

Benny: (Chuckles) That is naija girls for you. Once they have little power…

Bayo: (Cuts in) Their heads will swell!

Benny: Well, I think we should focus on the present and try to reconcile with her so you can at least get some cash out of her.

Bayo: Wetin man go do nau? I have begged her; I have sent people to appease her. What do you want me to do?

Benny: There are many ways to kill a rat… you know what… come, let’s go inside.

(Benny grabs Bayo’s hand and leads him to the bedroom)

Benny: Oya sit down there… you know women cannot keep secrets from each other?

Bayo: So?

Benny: I am going to use Clara to draw Shade here and solve the problem. But don’t Bleep up o.

Bayo: Okay. Tell me the plan.

Benny: You are going to sleep… or rather pretend you are sleeping… I will take phone and video you… then you will start calling and begging Shade in your sleep.

Bayo: and you will show the video to Shade?

Benny: No… Clara… Clara will show it to Shade…

Bayo: And Shade will rush here…

(Both thumb up each other)

. . . . . . . . . .

(A few minutes later, Benny is “officially” dressed while Bayo is in only boxers. Bayo rushes to the fridge, grabs a water bottle and sprinkles water on his face. He rushes to his bed, closes his eyes and pretends to be asleep. Benny starts his phone camera video and films himself first before turning the camera on Bayo. Bayo begins to groan and turn his head from side to side intermittently as if having a bad dream)

Bayo: (Whispers) Shade… I’m sorry nau… (Groans) I am begging you nau… I am very sorry… (Turns his head and sighs) Shade I love you… I love you… I swear… Hmmm… Forgive me nau…

(Benny turns the camera at himself, grimaces and winks. Then he saves the video and kicks Bayo’s bed. Bayo jumps up)

Benny: That’s all… Lemme chat up Clara…

. . . . . . . . . . . .

(At the ladies place, Shade is in the living room sitting on the rug watching TV. Her hair is scattered and unkempt. She would randomly scratch her head and body intermittently. Clara suddenly rushes out of the kitchen with her phone in hand and sits beside Shade and begins to survey her)

Clara: (Critically) The rate at which you are scratching your body, you better go hire a gigolo to drill you before you begin to peel your skin off.

Shade: You are mad … (gently hits Clara’s leg)

Clara: Who is mad between the both of us? Look at your hair… (pulls Shade’s scattered hair)

Shade: (Attempts to slap off Clara’s hand but misses) Leave me alone.

Clara: Your husband is having bad dreams o.

Shade: Who is my husband?

Clara: Bayo nau…

Shade: (Sits up) How many times have I told you I don’t want to hear that name again?

Clara: Listen aha… Benny said as he got home from work today, he say Bayo calling your name in his sleep… see this… (hands her phone to Shade)

(Shade watches the video soberly. As Bayo begin to say “I love you”, she jumps up and rushes to the bedroom. Clara shrugs and returns to the kitchen. Soon Shade, dressed in jeans trousers and blouse, bursts in and retrieves a big warmer from the cupboard. She empties the rice Clara had been cooking into the warmer, hastily adds meat and stew)

Clara: (Angrily) Now that you have packed all the rice, what are we going to eat?

Shade: Cook noodles…

Clara: (Arms akimbo) Who will cook it?

Shade: Sorry… (Slams the warmer shut and hurries out of the kitchen)

Clara: (Dashes after Shade) Sorry will cook noodles? Wo, just go back and separate my rice…

Shade: No vex nau… After all, your husband is going to eat out of it too.

Clara: (Angrily) Do you see any ring in my fingers? Husband my foot… Gerraway! (Walks angrily to the bedroom)

(Shade sighs, picks her phone and hurries out of the house)

. . . . . . . . . . . .

(Benny and Bayo are both watching TV while peering out of the window intermittently. As Shade steps into the compound, Bayo flies to the bedroom, jumps on his bed and pretends to be asleep. Shade yanks the door open and enters. Benny jerks as if he is surprised)

Benny: Ah… Who is chasing you wey you dey knock door like this?

Shade: Forget… (drops the warmer on the table) How are you?

Benny: Hmmm… fine… Longest time.

Shade: Abi. I have been sick… where is Bayo?

Benny: He is sleeping…

Shade: Still sleeping?!

(Shade rushes to the bedroom. Benny quickly grabs the warmer, opens it and is ecstatic at what he sees. He picks a piece of meat, closes the warmer and eats the meat hungrily. Soon he opens the warmer again and then he fumes. He gets up and tip toe to the bedroom door and peers in. He sees Bayo and Shade in tight embrace kissing passionately. He shrugs and goes back to his seat. Unable to resist his appetite any longer, he wipes his hand on his trouser, opens the warmer and begins to eat the rice with his hand. Soon Bayo enters the parlor)

Bayo: (Shocked) What?! Who sent you message?!

(Benny ignores him and continues to eat)

Bayo: Why are you eating with your hand like a bush boy? Is the food meant for you alone? Why can’t you wait for me…

Benny: (Defiantly) You have eaten your food inside nau.

Bayo: Which food?

(Benny mimics French kissing. Bayo surges forward and grabs the warmer while Benny hold tentatively to it)

Benny: (Loudly) Leave me alone nau.

Shade: (Calls out from the bathroom) Bayo what is the matter?

Bayo; He is eating all the rice o.

Shade: Let him eat nau…

Benny; (At Bayo) Ntoooorr...

(Bayo suddenly attempts to pull the warmer with a jerk but they both lose grip and the warmer crashes and spills out its content on the floor. Benny stares angrily at Bayo arms akimbo. He cocks his head and quietly sits down. Bayo too sits down and looks away. Shade enters the parlor looking fresher)

Shade: (Points to the warmer in disbelief) What is this?

Benny: Ask him o…

Bayo: He ate all the meat… he was eating with his fingers.

Shade: (Frowns at Bayo) I said you should let him eat. His wife cooked it.

(Benny exclaims silently. He bends over the rice and begins to scoop the top carefully into the warmer. Shade scratches her head uncomfortably)

Shade: (To Bayo) Oya let’s go out.

Bayo: Hmmm…

(Bayo gets up and goes into the bedroom)

Shade: (Whispers to Benny) Sorry… Don’t mind him.

Benny: (Nods) Okay…

Shade: (Teasingly) Is it sweet?

Benny: (Nods vigorously) Yea… Very sweet.

(Bayo returns to the parlor and signals to Shade. Shade waves at Benny and catwalks to the door followed closely by Bayo)

Benny: (To Bayo) Where are you going?

Bayo: (Sarcastically) Don’t worry, eat your rice.

Benny: (Hisses) Mtchew…

(Shade promptly grabs Bayo’s hand, drags him out of the parlor and slams the door shut)





Fade

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Table Of Contents

1. The Snorer
2. Accidental Discharge
3. Peeping Tom
4. Armed Robbers
5. Aboniki
6. The Lousy Room Mate
7. Girls Don’t Date Gentlemen
8. Bad Market
9. She Came, She Saw…
10. Woman Wrapper
11. Is She Worth The Hassles
12. If You Really Love Me…
13. Magnetic Backside
14. Bayo The Cook
15. Boys Are Not Smiling
16. If You Really Love Him…
17. First Class Madness
18. Mallam…!!..
19. They Stole Their Property
20. Cunning Man Die, Cunning Man Bury Am
21. Paint Oh…
22. The Fear Of Dog…
23. The Big Break
24. The Surprise
25. Sharp Girl
26. Girls Are Not Smiling
27. The Grumpy Husband To Be

beautiful story. keep it up

Who is the mod that moved this to the literature section?

Kunzu:
beautiful story. keep it up

Really? you read everything complete??