Hello people,

Not sure where to put this post, maybe the mods can help me to move it to the right section.

It is taking me a lot of guts to do this.

I m having some issues which I like nairalanders to advise me on, I have terrible phobia for being hurt and also for hurting others. I know that whether we like it or not you can't go around pleasing people but then again with this in mind I still find myself still trying to please people cause I feel I would hurt them if I dont even if it goes against my own will sometimes or I find myself subconciously appologizing when asked for help and I couldn't help maybe due to one reason or the other.
Again fear of embarassment, this has caused me a lot of mishaps recently and it has really affected me in some areas,I know am capable of something but because am afraid of been mocked or let's say the word 'shy' I run away from such. I know people say fear is in the mind but regarding this case when I decide to be courageous enough what I fear would happen ends up happening and this worsens the whole issue.

What do you think is the problem and how do you think I can overcome these fears? Please be has sincere and blunt as possible,mature minds only.

P.s:forgive my lil errors here and there,if anything seems unclear just mention and I would explain.Thanks

It's impossible to Please everyone love. And remember the fear of the wicked will always befall them. So I will advice that you come out of that phobia, don't be afraid to do what you want to do and what you think is right.


Explore any possibility deemed fit by your conscience and don't think about the regrets. People will be hurt one way or the other but what matters most is always knowing that you deserve to be Happy even at the expense of others. That's life love. It's hard but you have to live it.

Cc joywendy

Wendy(joywendy)

You are emotionally intelligent. Please build it, don't allow it to become a weakness. Try reading stuff on emotional intelligence.

By the way, you owe me a game in chess. I'll be available by 8pm. See you on chess.com

joywendy:
Hello people,
.

P.s:forgive my lil errors here and there,if anything seems unclear just mention and I would explain.Thanks

What i would say is that, u need to establish ur self worth, that way u wont feel u need to please everyone again whether they get hur5 or not, because hurting someone wont kill the person.

Freemanan True talk,lovely advise. Thanks so much

Saintneo hey! Mmm...would try reading on that. Thanks a lot

As for the game is it possible we have one here on nl got a board with me,let's not derail the thread let's discuss on the official chess thread

Dapo777:


What i would say is that, u need to establish ur self worth, that way u wont feel u need to please everyone again whether they get hur5 or not, because hurting someone wont kill the person.

I had to quote you since you quoted me,
Thanks so how do I establish this self worth like you say

You owe no one nothing. And surprisingly, people don't expect favors from you as well. Why do you think they find it surprising when you do them something nice?
So, don't sweat it. Do as you please every single time. What you should aim from is consistency. And in the face of this there's nothing anyone can do to pull you down.

ma advice

for u to conquer/overcome a fear..u need to become the fear ur self....which means no more cus u cnt over come ur self....rugged

joywendy:


I had to quote you since you quoted me,
Thanks so how do I establish this self worth like you say

The day u don't look for another person's approval to feel good, the day u stop thinking for long the negative comment people make about you, just for example, that's when u are beginnin to establish your self worth.
Have u ever been rejected or hurt before?

Antoinne:
You owe no one nothing. And surprisingly, people don't expect favors from you as well. Why do you think they find it surprising when you do them something nice?
So, don't sweat it. Do as you please every single time. What you should aim from is consistency. And in the face of this there's nothing anyone can do to pull you down.

Thanks True words there,seem not to get your 2nd paragraph.care to expantiate some more? Aim and consistency part,I guess it might be a typo.

raziboi:
ma advice

for u to conquer/overcome a fear..u need to become the fear ur self....which means no more cus u cnt over come ur self....rugged

Thank you,how does one become their own fear? Care to elaborate some more?

Dapo777:


The day u don't look for another person's approval to feel good, the day u stop thinking for long the negative comment people make about you, just for example, that's when u are beginnin to establish your self worth.
Have u ever been rejected or hurt before?

Mmm...I get your points. Thanks once again,yes I have. Why do you ask?

Once had this same issue...and I was a bloody shy type...then I changed somethings...friends helped..
Don't be a shy person and have two other shy people as friends...that's a zero social life experience(engrish kiki )
Seriously..be exposed, do things you think are right...now...I can talk to anyone..can talk anywhere..
Currently doing my t.p sef..
So I address crowds day in day out..
.
.Take care my smart dearie

joywendy:

Thanks True words there,seem not to get your 2nd paragraph.care to expantiate some more? Aim and consistency part,I guess it might be a typo.



Thank you,how does one become their own fear? Care to elaborate some more?



Mmm...I get your points. Thanks once again,yes I have. Why do you ask?

I asked because I wanted to know if u if Ur fear of being hurt is based on past experience, seems that's the case, my dear, u don't have a choice that's how life is, u just have to accept the fact that hurts and pains would come no matter what, what won't kill u will make u stronger. I bcame strong from lots of hurts and heartbreak, u wld be a better and happier person with it, when it no longer gets to u

Obainojazz lol, so true. Glad to hear that now,thanks so much I appreciate

Dapo777 I really appreciate your advise and would try to let go of past hurts. Thankie thanks

joywendy:
Obainojazz lol, so true. Glad to hear that now,thanks so much I appreciate

Dapo777 I really appreciate your advise and would try to let go of past hurts. Thankie thanks

Read this , its insightful.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/happiness-in-world/201411/how-tear-the-good-guy-contract

Dapo777:


Read this , its insightful.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/happiness-in-world/201411/how-tear-the-good-guy-contract

All right, will check that out now...

Edited: seen it, very insightful piece. I appreciate

Removing this topic is a sign of fear you shouldn't tolerate.

Antoinne can you answer my question above please? Thanks

@wendy, take some alcohol, you'll be suprised how it will calm your nerves and you'll have a swagger about you.
Thank me later babe .

BoboYekini:
@wendy, take some alcohol, you'll be suprised how it will calm your nerves and you'll have a swagger about you.
Thank me later babe .

Lolz funny,thanks but I don't drink.

joywendy:


Lolz funny,thanks but I don't drink.

*holds her hands* Do you trust me?

My dear I used to be like you on the 'good-person' spectrum but I guess I outgrew it.
So maybe with time you will outgrow it too.

But for now, just remember you can't win them all. It doesn't mean that in order to break free from that you should exhibit rashness or aggression that is not part of your natural make-up. Just remember to always do and say what pleases your conscience with respect of course (to deserving individuals). Stop going against your will or deep seated concvinctions in order to be the good person. It is unfair to yourself.
When you try to be the good one in the face of a conflict that requires you to take a stand, trying to please both sides of the conflict will have you stretching yourself too thin. Choose an opinion and let the person you're not dancing to their tune be offended if they want to but they will get over it and you won't feel like sheep afterwards. In fact your self esteem will keep growing in bounds.

That's a little way to go about it or you can just be patient and let time prove to you that no one is worth displeasing yourself for.(except they can do the same for you. That's the ONLY exception)

As for getting hurt, we can't really escape that. Instead of living in fear of getting hurt, decide what matters a lot to you. What will have a great impact on your life now and in future and let them be the things you worry about.
For the others if they happen, fine. Hurt a bit and move on. It's part of life. Life is not without pain. Don't be afraid of it. Embrace it.

Okay. Those up there are wonderful advice. I'll just chip in that you need friends. Friends and family are the two support groups that build us. The latter we can't choose, but you have the options of choosing who's going to be your sidekick. So, I advice you to go out there and find yourself friends with somewhat strong, outgoing personalities. You don't have to try so hard. For the time being, be yourself and push yourself just so little. With time, you'll be surprised at what you've achieved for yourself. Trust me, I know. I'll talk to you via Uziel;-). Stay cool, babe.

cococandy:
My dear I used to be like you on the 'good-person' spectrum but I guess I outgrew it.
So maybe with time you will outgrow it too.

But for now, just remember you can't win them all. It doesn't mean that in order to break free from that you should exhibit rashness or aggression that is not part of your natural make-up. Just remember to always do and say what pleases your conscience with respect of course (to deserving individuals). Stop going against your will or deep seated concvinctions in order to be the good person. It is unfair to yourself.
When you try to be the good one in the face of a conflict that requires you to take a stand, trying to please both sides of the conflict will have you stretching yourself too thin. Choose an opinion and let the person you're not dancing to their tune be offended if they want to but they will get over it and you won't feel like sheep afterwards. In fact your self esteem will keep growing in bounds.

That's a little way to go about it or you can just be patient and let time prove to you that no one is worth displeasing yourself for.(except they can do the same for you. That's the ONLY exception)

As for getting hurt, we can't really escape that. Instead of living in fear of getting hurt, decide what matters a lot to you. What will have a great impact on your life now and in future and let them be the things you worry about.
For the others if they happen, fine. Hurt a bit and move on. It's part of life. Life is not without pain. Don't be afraid of it. Embrace it.

Nice words,cococandy!Would put it in mind,thanks so much

Illuminatus:
Okay. Those up there are wonderful advice. I'll just chip in that you need friends. Friends and family are the two support groups that build us. The latter we can't choose, but you have the options of choosing who's going to be your sidekick. So, I advice you to go out there and find yourself friends with somewhat strong, outgoing personalities. You don't have to try so hard. For the time being, be yourself and push yourself just so little. With time, you'll be surprised at what you've achieved for yourself. Trust me, I know. I'll talk to you via Uziel;-). Stay cool, babe.

Mmm... Lol,all right no problem thanks a lot. I appreciate

joywendy:


.

Change what you read and watch. These are meant to give you a clue about the real world. So, I would advise you to watch these series: Game of Thrones, Breaking Bad, Wire and Broadwalk Empire, and other HBO series. They should help you. Though I would also advise you never to away completely your old self, because you would definitely need it someday. All the best.

theAtheist101:


Change what you read and watch. These are meant to give you a clue about the real world. So, I would advise you to watch these series: Game of Thrones, Breaking Bad, Wire and Broadwalk Empire, and other HBO series. They should help you. Though I would also advise you never to away completely your old self, because you would definitely need it someday. All the best.

Thanks ..so how does what I read and watch influence the fear of hurt and embarassment that I feel?
btw I hardly read books. Though I watch movies not into the t.v series stuff. Being a while I watched a really good movie and also read a book.

joywendy:

Thanks ..so how does what I read and watch influence the fear of hurt and embarassment that I feel?
btw I hardly read books. Though I watch movies not into the t.v series stuff. Being a while I watched a really good movie and also read a book.

Then start reading! And, maybe, watch also. It goes into your subconscious. Read people's biography (original biography, not tweaked book) and see that they were just as mortal as you are.

Everyone has the fear of criticism, but it is how we manage it that matters. You just have to accept the fact that we are not perfect (no one is and ever was), so mistakes are bound to happen. Learn to be less critical of yourself and your actions, though they might be wrong. You just tell yourself that: anytime you find yourself in that same situation, you would act otherwise and just forget the incident. Finally, learn to embrace criticism -- try to look for ways to improve on that thing people complained about, but praise yourself for the good (your opinion, which the only one that matters) work done.

Same thing goes the hurt phobia. You definitely would be hurt by people and the funny thing is that you would also hurt people. The solution lies in how you handle people's action towards you. You have to learn to think less of people's action. Just free your mind from it -- behave as if it never happened. This doesn't mean you have forgiven them, but that, you have better things to think about. And if chance gives you the opportunity to do your own back, please do it (!) . You might just be helping the person from hurting someone else. Note: I am only writing for hurts like curse and abuse, and so on, not aggressive ones. If faced with aggressive hurt, I would advise you report to a law enforcement agent for proper handling and please do anything they ask of you to bring the person to justice (another act of selflessness).

theAtheist101:


Then start reading! And, maybe, watch also. It goes into your subconscious. Read people's biography (original biography, not tweaked book) and see that they were just as mortal as you are.

Everyone has the fear of criticism, but it is how we manage it that matters. You just have to accept the fact that we are not perfect (no one is and ever was), so mistakes are bound to happen. Learn to be less critical of yourself and your actions, though they might be wrong. You just tell yourself that: anytime you find yourself in that same situation, you would act otherwise and just forget the incident. Finally, learn to embrace criticism -- try to look for ways to improve on that thing people complained about, but praise yourself for the good (your opinion, which the only one that matters) work done.

Same thing goes the hurt phobia. You definitely would be hurt by people and the funny thing is that you would also hurt people. The solution lies in how you handle people's action towards you. You have to learn to think less of people's action. Just free your mind from it -- behave as if it never happened. This doesn't mean you have forgiven them, but that, you have better things to think about. And if chance gives you the opportunity to do your own back, please do it (!) . You might just be helping the person from hurting someone else. Note: I am only writing for hurts like curse and abuse, and so on, not aggressive ones. If faced with aggressive hurt, I would advise you report to a law enforcement agent for proper handling and please do anything they ask of you to bring the person to justice (another act of selflessness).

Wow! Lol@ do it part.I guess I have to develop a reading attitude then, Thanks so much for this advise,I really appreciate

@ Joywendy

Hi dearie,

There is nothing to be ashamed of about your natural make-up. Matter of fact, we were all wired that way - to be nice, kind, forgiving etc but our daily interactions with the world has made us switch off albeit permanently that sweet part of us to something more monstrous and deadly.

Don't let that happen to you. No matter the criticisms you receive, no matter the laughs, they all are geared to making you a better and stronger person, also more enlightened about yourself.

Be yourself dear and don't lie to yourself ever!..What you can't do/change, you simply can't! There isn't any point promising to give to someone what you simply can't offer. At the end, you may end up hurting them and even yourself in the process and then wishing you had rather said NO. Politely say NO to what you can't offer and if you can try, just say so but never promise.


And on being shy or scared of being embarassed. You simply can't run from the latter either. Everyone gets embarrassed here and there but what do you do when that happens is all that matters. You don't let it get to you never! You've gat to try and bring your head high and move on.

Life isn't fair, people aint fair either. We've gat to all survive while learning to choose wisely friends we can be cool with. But never change your good persona for something not you, let your conscience guide you okay?

You will be just fine

luxanne:
@ Joywendy

Hi dearie,

There is nothing to be ashamed of about your natural make-up. Matter of fact, we were all wired that way - to be nice, kind, forgiving etc but our daily interactions with the world has made us switch off albeit permanently that sweet part of us to something more monstrous and deadly.

Don't let that happen to you. No matter the criticisms you receive, no matter the laughs, they all are geared to making you a better and stronger person, also more enlightened about yourself.

Be yourself dear and don't lie to yourself ever!..What you can't do/change, you simply can't! There isn't any point promising to give to someone what you simply can't offer. At the end, you may end up hurting them and even yourself in the process and then wishing you had rather said NO. Politely say NO to what you can't offer and if you can try, just say so but never promise.


And on being shy or scared of being embarassed. You simply can't run from the latter either. Everyone gets embarrassed here and there but what do you do when that happens is all that matters. You don't let it get to you never! You've gat to try and bring your head high and move on.

Life isn't fair, people aint fair either. We've gat to all survive while learning to choose wisely friends we can be cool with. But never change your good persona for something not you, let your conscience guide you okay?

You will be just fine

Luxanne,I really appreciate and thanks so much for this lovely advise, I will always put this in mind. Thanks once again

To be honest,I was really scared of putting this up...as I thought I will be bashed and all that as I see how people are bashed daily on this forum sometimes when asking for advise.

I was really shocked and really glad at the same time that it went well.

I really appreciate everyone on this thread for their wonderful and lovely advise so far. Would take all your words to heart and work on the areas that I need to work on. I m truly grateful from the bottom of my heart.

Best regards,
Joy