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My Bf's Mum's Terminally Ill: How Do I Console Him? - Romance - Nairaland

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My Bf's Mum's Terminally Ill: How Do I Console Him? by bhumeeus: 11:38am On Mar 05, 2009
My boyfriend's mum has cancer; and she's in her final stage.He just told me yesterday, All the while ,I thought it was something milder,but he never went into details with me till yesterday.I noticed before now that he seemed distracted and all, but I just though it was work and school pressure. Now I dont know how to console him cos he doesnt like to be pitied. Reason he dint tell me all this while.He's not been eating and sleeping well and I really really want to reach out to him;I just dont know how best I can without making him feel sober.
Re: My Bf's Mum's Terminally Ill: How Do I Console Him? by Tranngirls(f): 12:23pm On Mar 05, 2009
Just offer yourself to him, dont talk too much just be there cheer him up by doing the things he likes ( this is the time to use your womanly ways to cheer him up ok). And talk to him what he wants to do k in a soft way.
Re: My Bf's Mum's Terminally Ill: How Do I Console Him? by Harbb: 12:29pm On Mar 05, 2009
This is a trying moment for your boyfriend, and it offers the opportunity for you to show him that you truly care.Always cheer him up. Make sure you avoid anything that may try to irritate or offend him. Initiate discussions that will take his mind off too much thinking. With that, you'll greatly help him get over the worries about his mother's ill-health.
Re: My Bf's Mum's Terminally Ill: How Do I Console Him? by bhumeeus: 12:50pm On Mar 05, 2009
Thank you guys, problem is that we see just about 2ce or 3ce a week,cos of work, but we talk all the time on the fone.I try to call him,but i dont want to overdo it, and still i dont thinkam reaching out enuf.
Re: My Bf's Mum's Terminally Ill: How Do I Console Him? by tboy1(m): 1:04pm On Mar 05, 2009
Send him a text and let him know you'll be there to support him in anyway u can
Re: My Bf's Mum's Terminally Ill: How Do I Console Him? by storm0210(m): 1:43pm On Mar 05, 2009
honestly, if he doesnt like to be pitied then do not pity him or try to give consolation when he isnt asking 4 it. his mum is dying and there is nothing he can do, dats d reason why he is moody,regardless of ur efforts the facts still remains d woman is going 2 die.

so maintain d relationship d way it is, ask of her whenever u guys talk. make out time to go see her wit him or on ur own (if thats possible).
make alot of sexual advances towards him, give him that gift man can never refuse (BJ), dont think im vulgar, truth is all of that would distract him cos honestly thats what he needs. Distraction!

my very humble contribution
Re: My Bf's Mum's Terminally Ill: How Do I Console Him? by Hollysmile: 2:17pm On Mar 05, 2009
@Tranngirls, you made real sense in ur thread. Thot u'll teach her how to suck and suck her boyfriend's dic.k, til he forgets his mamma!
Anyways,
@Poster, jus show him de love dat he truly deserves. You can do it without our lectures!
Re: My Bf's Mum's Terminally Ill: How Do I Console Him? by yme1(f): 2:22pm On Mar 05, 2009
always pray for him and show you care in anyway you can
Re: My Bf's Mum's Terminally Ill: How Do I Console Him? by bhumeeus: 2:56pm On Mar 05, 2009
storm0210:

honestly, if he doesnt like to be pitied then do not pity him or try to give consolation when he isnt asking 4 it. his mum is dying and there is nothing he can do, dats d reason why he is moody,regardless of ur efforts the facts still remains d woman is going 2 die.

so maintain d relationship d way it is, ask of her whenever u guys talk. make out time to go see her wit him or on ur own (if thats possible).
make alot of sexual advances towards him, give him that gift man can never refuse (BJ), dont think im vulgar, truth is all of that would distract him cos honestly thats what he needs. Distraction!

my very humble contribution

Hmmm, ok.Thanks for the advise
Re: My Bf's Mum's Terminally Ill: How Do I Console Him? by waterworks(f): 4:26pm On Mar 05, 2009
dont act as if u pity him, dont look at him with pity in ur eyes. just be there for him cook for him as much as you can take out one day but plenty food and just cook all hes favourite dishes.
be loving and caring even if hes irritable be understanding.
send texts, call offer to pray with him when hes feeling very very down.
ask abt hes mom sumtimes but not too mich it will be as if ure forcing yourself to do it.
at times like this people forget religion they are angry with God help him to understand that God is all hes got.
Re: My Bf's Mum's Terminally Ill: How Do I Console Him? by omega25red(m): 4:31pm On Mar 05, 2009
best way is to show that you are there for him and give him space when needed. Also, be careful what you say if his grieving seems like it's forever.
Re: My Bf's Mum's Terminally Ill: How Do I Console Him? by tkb417(m): 4:39pm On Mar 05, 2009
maybe u'll take care of the casket

that should take some financial pressure off the mounting pressures
Re: My Bf's Mum's Terminally Ill: How Do I Console Him? by Youngj1(m): 5:00pm On Mar 05, 2009
well just there 5 him a let him know dat when she is nt dere anymore u ll be dere
Re: My Bf's Mum's Terminally Ill: How Do I Console Him? by drrionelli(m): 5:25pm On Mar 05, 2009
I'm very sorry to learn of your boyfriend's situation.

And, this is also, I'm sure, a very painfully difficult time for you, as well. Your boyfriend is in a very delicate position right now. He knows that he's about to lose somebody about whom he cares and who cares about him. Let him go through his grieving process, but be there for him as well. Don't smother him, but allow him space. He might "lash out" at you or others around him. That's fine. He might withdraw, which is also OK as long as he knows that he has somebody to be there for him. Also, please don't rush him. It often takes at least a full year to grieve a loss of this magnitude, so be prepared to give him time to deal with his feelings.

Clearly, this challenging time will also test you as well. Brace yourself for what could be a very difficult circumstance.

Please remember this: He'll never get over losing his mother, but he will get used to it as time passes.

May I ask that you keep us posted? That way, we might be able to offer words of support during this rough time. Is your boyfriend on nairaland.com?
Re: My Bf's Mum's Terminally Ill: How Do I Console Him? by allboyz(m): 5:39pm On Mar 05, 2009
tkb417:

maybe u'll take care of the casket

that should take some financial pressure off the mounting pressures

TKB417  wink U again? summies will always be scummmies o0o . . .abeg carry your busy body comot for hia abeg . .

@ poster and topic . . i'm sadden to hear this . . its a grieving time . .and im glad that at least you showed interest in this. . . it shows that you kinda love your man . . . and i hope that this your gentleman appreciates it . . .well,there is little or less that you can do . .importantly,always be available.avail yourself to your man. call often,be there in person . .i can tel u that your man needs u at this time. . .and you gonna be acting like his mum afterwards . .  wink

allboyz say so!

Free me now!!!
Re: My Bf's Mum's Terminally Ill: How Do I Console Him? by presido1: 5:51pm On Mar 05, 2009
tkb417:

maybe u'll take care of the casket

that should take some financial pressure off the mounting pressures
shocked shocked shocked shocked when shez still alive?
Re: My Bf's Mum's Terminally Ill: How Do I Console Him? by Moonstone(f): 7:43pm On Mar 05, 2009
Your boyfriend needs you to be calm. Take all his outbursts, don't fight with him, be there when he needs you, call to ask if he's okay anytime he sounds a bit off. Don't pity him too much.
He still wants to be treated like a man, not a baby.
He will have to go through the five stages of grief so try and identify them.

1. Denial and isolation ( I don't think he's in denial but you have to understand that he'll need to be left alone sometimes)
2. Anger (when this one comes, just take it - he'll get angry and say stuff he does not mean but take it and just don't give him a hard time about it)
3. Bargaining (this is when he'll be hoping to give up stuff just to have his mum live. You probably won't know about this anyway but if you do, just be there for him)
4. Depression (now this is when you have to be in his face consoling him. He will need you more than ever at this stage)
5. Acceptance (as for this one, you need to stop reminding him about this because you will just be over-doing it. Learn to know when to leave it alone)

I hope this helps. . . It's a tough thing to have a loved one go through these stages. I know.
Re: My Bf's Mum's Terminally Ill: How Do I Console Him? by MERCADO(m): 7:49pm On Mar 05, 2009
well.despite the fact that, he did not tell you all this while, it is your right to go and see the woman,for she is it the mother of your boyfriend. try to go and see her.
Re: My Bf's Mum's Terminally Ill: How Do I Console Him? by Outstrip(f): 8:33pm On Mar 05, 2009
Don't pity him then. Being sympathetic does not mean you pity him. You just have to be a rock for him. Watching his mother die is not going to be easy and he will need to know that he has someone that can be his strength
Re: My Bf's Mum's Terminally Ill: How Do I Console Him? by tkb417(m): 8:39pm On Mar 05, 2009
TKB417 U again? summies will always be scummmies o0o . . .abeg carry your busy body comot for hia abeg . .

shuo shocked shocked see me see wahala.
u this cretinous element will not allow me post what i like shey?

abeg carry ur aproko commot for here tongue
Re: My Bf's Mum's Terminally Ill: How Do I Console Him? by Ifedisky(m): 9:01pm On Mar 05, 2009
See, girl, take away that thought of offering sex to a grieving guy like someone suggested you should do. It'll shoo him off faster than anything else. I lost my daddo late last year and very nearly lost my beau because I felt she didn't handle me well enough. Sex could be grating when someone is grieving.
1,Do not pity him. Nothing can be more depressing
2,Don't be moody because he is. And don't depend on him for ur "high".He'll look unto you for upliftment and it won't be good if ur down urself
3, Never initiate sex at all. If he feels up to it, fine. But don't initiate it. It trivialises the situ he's in and he'll resent the lack of respect for the mum that ur urge depicts
The rest are standard, lots of warmth and affection and, why not, prayers!
Re: My Bf's Mum's Terminally Ill: How Do I Console Him? by Ikomi(m): 10:29pm On Mar 05, 2009
Give the bloke a good shag whenver his thinking about it.

Make it a bit romantic though, play his favourite song, give him a belly dance when you can.

Look its an age old saying:

"Men soon forget the loss of a father than the loss of a patrimony"

No be me talk am

Men would forget anything in the world immediately they get a turn on.

Its only women that find it hard to come out of their emotional feelings.
Re: My Bf's Mum's Terminally Ill: How Do I Console Him? by Outstrip(f): 11:38pm On Mar 05, 2009
Please don't go and be doing belly dances when someone is mourning his mother's fate. Focus on him should be the point. Sex should not even be a big issue but if he wants it no big deal. Don't start lighting candles and trying to be romantic when he is dealing with such a devastating thing. Focus on hm and let him no that you are available if he needs a shoulder to cry on
Re: My Bf's Mum's Terminally Ill: How Do I Console Him? by unfaded(m): 12:11am On Mar 06, 2009
when a guy is sad and emotional, most times he need his space
Re: My Bf's Mum's Terminally Ill: How Do I Console Him? by Hollysmile: 2:12am On Mar 06, 2009
@anti-christ, we are used to ur kinda words. Words from hades!
Alusi!
Re: My Bf's Mum's Terminally Ill: How Do I Console Him? by roodest: 2:46am On Mar 06, 2009
Forget all these long 'tory,
Screw him more.

No long t'ing
Re: My Bf's Mum's Terminally Ill: How Do I Console Him? by Nobody: 9:00am On Mar 06, 2009
Just be there for him. No need for pity, its going to be a hard time but he will find his way himself. All you can do is keep loving him.
Re: My Bf's Mum's Terminally Ill: How Do I Console Him? by bhumeeus: 10:34am On Mar 06, 2009
Thanx everybody, You've all been really kind

Moonstone:

Your boyfriend needs you to be calm. Take all his outbursts, don't fight with him, be there when he needs you, call to ask if he's okay anytime he sounds a bit off. Don't pity him too much.
He still wants to be treated like a man, not a baby.
He will have to go through the five stages of grief so try and identify them.

1. Denial and isolation ( I don't think he's in denial but you have to understand that he'll need to be left alone sometimes)
2. Anger (when this one comes, just take it - he'll get angry and say stuff he does not mean but take it and just don't give him a hard time about it)
3. Bargaining (this is when he'll be hoping to give up stuff just to have his mum live. You probably won't know about this anyway but if you do, just be there for him)
4. Depression (now this is when you have to be in his face consoling him. He will need you more than ever at this stage)
5. Acceptance (as for this one, you need to stop reminding him about this because you will just be over-doing it. Learn to know when to leave it alone)

I hope this helps. . . It's a tough thing to have a loved one go through these stages. I know.


I think he's accepted the situation as it is, cos its been a while they've been at this.Actually,my boyfriend is a good blocker, When you see him in real time, he's so normal.Before I knew, I never suspected he was going through stuff like this,I just thought he was under work and school stress.Meaning sometimes we go have fun and stuff,only when we're alone maybe at home or something, he switches off- Just keeps quiet,or goes outside for a while.Now that I know,what do I do when he switches off? Leave him alone to dwell in his thoughts or what??I havent been in this kind of situation (a close friend loosing a loved one) and seriously, I dont know how bes to handle it.Especially when its a man in question.
Re: My Bf's Mum's Terminally Ill: How Do I Console Him? by Higher(m): 11:03am On Mar 06, 2009
@ Poster
3 things are good here
1. dt u understand his situation
2. dt u know he hate to be pity
3. dt u wont to be there for him
Hw i wish ur boyfriend could ve access to this site n read tru dis thread so dt he can be aware of ur sincere love to make this work in ur relationship n hw glad u would be to see him happy n in good mode again.
U dont do wat he hates lik piting him, show him ur care n also show care to his mother as much as possible lik pay her a visit alone (if possible) n do things dt u know ur guy love most i mean dt turns him on. Don't forget, u can only try to help him gain his happiness so if u tried all n nothing work don't be disappointed just give him a space (time) to recover.
Don't 4get, Cancer has no cure yet.

good luck.
Re: My Bf's Mum's Terminally Ill: How Do I Console Him? by denony(m): 11:16am On Mar 06, 2009
It shows how much you care.

Now make out time to see him as often as you could.
get him things he likes, and always show him the love
also don't forget to give him (sha**g) when eer u realised he is not happy to brush off the bad memories.
Re: My Bf's Mum's Terminally Ill: How Do I Console Him? by Rekky(f): 11:35am On Mar 06, 2009
@ poster
My Sister it is well, just be urself and don't over do anything at all. Most people here have said it all. I'll like to add that above all u need to be very prayerful dat is always pray for him and his mum. God still does wonders u no, there is nothing beyond Him. Wat will be will be. keep us poster so we can no how thing are going.

HE cares.
Re: My Bf's Mum's Terminally Ill: How Do I Console Him? by fesse(f): 12:32pm On Mar 06, 2009
@topic

it is a very trying and tasking time for you. I believe you have gotten some useful advices from people that cares and feel for you. I lost my cousin sister last three days (tuesday 3rd march) to the killer sickness at Ibadan hospital. All you need to do to sustain your B/F is PRAYERS and AVALABILITY of yourself. Also try to calm him down whenever he is getting hot and pray for the dying mother. All is well, don't panic, God is in control.

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