I am currently writing a novel lenght story titled Soul:Lost about a straight-A student who reads one book too many. Before I get it out on submission, I'd like to see the opinions of Nairalanders on it.

Criticism and advice very welcome.

In five seconds, the woman’s life ended. One moment she saw flashing steel. The next moment, she was screaming as the knife tore into her heart.

Blood bubbled.

Jackson .O. Friday frowned and shifted back. Unlucky woman, he thought. But what had to be done had to be done.

Friday took a look at the dead woman and shook his head. He carried her bloodied body and put in the trunk. Then he poured olive oil on his palms and rubbed the woman’s face. He did a quick sign of the cross and closed the trunk.
There was blood on Friday’s hands but he wasn’t concerned. Nigerian police were stupid. There was nothing to worry about except the remaining two ingredients of the potion.

Friday gunned his Volvo down the Lagos-Ibadan expressway. At 2:30 a.m., the road was free and quiet. Just what Friday wanted. The lack of passersby would prevent unnecessary murders.

Not that Friday enjoyed killing. Some things had to be done.

Friday stepped on the brake. After parking, he walked into the thick foliage on the side of the highway. He needed a leaf. A particular leaf. Using a flashlight, Friday found the leaf and sniffed. The right scent. He plucked thirteen, then recounted. There could be no mistakes. The Master had made it very clear. Friday wrapped the leaves in a polybag and went to his Volvo.

The potion was almost complete. Only one thing remained.

Only the Master knew the final ingredient. He was currently waiting for Friday in the basement of a church friendly to the Master’s cause.

The speedometer read one forty as Friday stretched the old Volvo to its limits.

At 4:00 a.m. he got to the church. He was greeted by a seven foot tall guard wielding an AK47 rifle. The man welcomed him and escorted him past four similar guards. Inside the church, a dreadlocked man, also holding an AK47, escorted Friday to an empty basement room.

The room was lit by seven red candles. On the wall were red table clothes with a sewn picture of a bruised eye.
Five minutes later, The Master came in. As usual, The Master wore red robes and was masked.

The Master sat on the lone table.

Friday stood in front of The Master and bowed.

“Any news?” The voice was devoid of emotion.

“There is news indeed.”

“Tell me.”

“All’s done,” Friday said. “I have the prostitute’s body. The leaf. Only one thing remains.”

The Master nodded. “Tell me about the prostitute. Age and birthday.”

“She’s twenty six,” Friday said. “And she was born on October 1st.”

The Master had insisted on someone born on Nigeria’s independence anniversary. This condition had hindered Friday but he was a pro, eager to serve.

“So there’s just one thing left,” The Master stood up and paced.

“Yes Master,” Friday replied. “Send me. I’m ready.”

“I know,” The Master said. “Our final sacrifice lies at the University of Benin.”

“ Who, Master?”

“You’ll find out,” The Master answered. “You’ve to find out the right sacrifice.”

The Master closed his eyes and rang the bell thirteen times. Between each ring, he muttered incantations in languages foreign to Friday.

“We need a heart!” The Master shouted, as if waking up from a nightmare.

Friday wondered if he would be sent to a morgue.

“The Heart of Souls,” The Master said and dipped his hand into his robe. He had a leather-bound book in his hands. The cover was red and on it was the picture of a bruised eye. “Take!”

Friday took it. “What is the Heart of Souls, Master?”

“A heart cut out of a living man,” The Master replied. “Go to Benin, choose a spot and drop that book. Then watch.”

Blood rushed into Friday’s veins. He wanted a plane to Benin now.

“Anyone who picks the book becomes the sacrifice.”

Friday smiled. In twenty four hours, it would be all over. The potion would be made, Friday would have his reward.

“Consider it done, Master.”

The Master nodded. “Just remember this: the heart must be cut out of the living body."

nice one.waitin 4 d next chap

Aso Rock, the residence of the Nigerian president, is a four hundred meter high monolith located on the outskirts of Abuja, the national capital. Ensconced between an intricate formation of domineering rocks, hedged round by a man made canal, shielded from easy view by trees and shrubs and patrolled by fierce looking state security service men, Aso Rock makes quite a fortress.

Hakim Ali, Director of the State Security Service(SSS) was headed there. As his Hummer cruised towards the first checkpoint, Ali read a thick file. As he was more concerned with is blood pressure, the file did not hold his attention.

Five minutes and four checkpoints later, the Hummer came to a halt inside the villa. Ali's bodyguard/driver opened the door. Two SSS men came to the car and escorted their boss towards an office painted green and white with a sign post reading "Office Of The National Security Adviser".

The office had a hall and nine offices, all off-limits. Camouflage clothed men kept away stray tourists. As a former occupant of this office, Ali got smooth passage.

Ali entered the personal office of Mr. Khalifa Ibrahim, the National Security Adviser. On the wall were pictures of the President. There were also pictures of Mr. Ibrahim. Ali saw Mr. Ibrahim's picture and hissed. Bloody civilian. Ibrahim was a rich farmer who had gotten his position through political patronage.

Ali shook his head and sat in the visitors' chair. The meeting had been called at Ibrahim's request. Probably a call for some minor security issue. Ali hissed again.

Five minutes later, the door opened. It wasn't Mr. Ibrahim. Rather, it was Uche Nwodo, Aso Rock Chief of Staff. What the hell was Nwodo doing here?

"How's life?"

Ali did not reply. He hated Nwodo. The man was a hack. His connected parents had ensured he married into a connected family. Backed with connections and wealth, Nwodo, at age thirty-five, had been both a former bank CEO and a former trade minister. Now he was Chief of Staff.

“I want to tell you something important.”

Ali raised eyebrows.

“It’s important,” Nwodo said. “It must be kept secret.”

Ali stood up and frowned. Who was this clown to lecture him about secrecy?

“You don’t look fine,” Nwodo said, shrugged, then sat on one of the shining leather chairs. He held up a flag of Nigeria. “There’s a threat on National Security.”

“Go on.”

Nwodo nodded. “The President sent me.” He shrugged. “I get the dirty jobs of course.”

“Go on!”

“Calm down,” Nwodo said. “The threat is in the form of Justin Ikhide. He is a student of the University Of Benin. Popular student.”

‘And how is he a threat?”

“He’s a threat,” Nwodo said. “Mr. President instructed me to advise you to send one of the Squad K boys to Benin.”

For ten seconds, Ali was silent. Then he said,” Do what?”

Nwodo frowned. “Kill him.”

Ali paced around for some minutes, hissing at intervals.

“Explain how he’s a threat.”

“The President is convinced,” Nwodo answered. “That’s all you need to know.”

Ali shook his head. “Then tell Mr. President to send—“

Nwodo cut in with a laugh. ”Colonel Ali, let me make myself clear. Regardless of the courtesy with which I have spoken, this is actually an order from the Commander-in-Chief. Got it?”

“I won’t.”

“Then resign,” Nwodo said. “With a population of one sixty million, we got a lot of talent.”

When Ali didn’t reply, Nwodo spoke.

“The President wants things wrapped in forty-eight hours,” Nwodo said. “You report to me, of course.”

“I will resign.”

“No problemo,” Nwodo said. “But if you don’t, make sure Justin Ikhide dies in forty eight hours. If anything unexpected happens, you’ll tell the media that Mr. Ibrahim made the order. I just hope you understand.”
*
It took two hours for Colonel Hakim Ali to track down Justin Ikhide, a student of the Department of Banking and Finance, University of Benin.

Ikhide was a model student, straight As and all. He was in his final year with three jobs offers already. Why would they want to kill him?

But twenty minutes later, Ali got more news from the Benin City Police. Ikhide was said to be from a family of bogus magicians who fleeced the public by selling fake talismans. One enraged customer killed Ikhide’s father, mother and stepmother.

Six years later, Justin Ikhide(no one saw him) entered into the prison and murdered his father’s killer. Twenty witnesses saw him kill the man. No one saw him leaving.
None of the twenty prisoners agreed to testify. Justin was free and just two weeks later, all twenty prisoners got the Governor’s pardon.

Colonel Ali rubbed his hands. This was disturbing. What did Justin Ikhide have to do with politicians?

Ali wanted more information. But the SSS weren’t even as reliable as Google. He had to obey the order. Resignation? He couldn’t do it. He had three wives and two girl friends to cater for, not counting his fifteen children and numerous nephews and nieces.

Ali dialed a number on a secure line. He called one of the Squad K agents.

Squad K was a SSS department commissioned to Kill. Just Kill. The President snaps his fingers and instantly, a Squad K member does the deed.

One hour after the call, a thin man in his twenties came in. He introduced himself as Barracks Amu, Special Agent. Ali already read Amu’s file. Unlike other Squad K agents who were trained in Libya or Israel, this guy was self trained.

Agent Amu had already executed ten people for the government. Better guarded people. Justin Ikhide would be a piece of cake.

“Agent Amu, there’s a job for you,” Ali said and began to explain.

Above is chapter two of my story. I need the comments of nairalanders to whip it into shape. My goal is to entertain.

that was definately entertaining, suspence thriller; my kind of book and i must say, you really have potentials. as an aspiring writer i guess i can add my input.

*the chapt 1 should be made the prologue. why? cos it diddnt talk about the protagonist (except the serial killer dude is the lead)

*the chapt 2 is a bit too jampacked, and it disclosed too much. you shouldn't have let us know that Justin killed his parents killers so early in the book.  it should have come up in subsequent chapters to keep suspense mounting.

*you need to submit the manuscript to a publisher ASAP before some nl crook snag it right from under your nose.

*keep up the good work, i can assure you'll have a fanbase on this site by the time your work comes out.

Thanks Dominique for your feedback.

And here is a spoiler:The information in Chapter two about Justin killing his parents killers mght not been completely true. More about it in later chapters of <b>Soul:Lost</b>.

I just want to get some feedback on the first 30 or so pages before I stop posting.

Thanks again.

einsteine:
Thanks Dominique for your feedback.

And here is a spoiler:The information in Chapter two about Justin killing his parents killers mght not been completely true. More about it in later chapters of <b>Soul:Lost</b>.

I just want to get some feedback on the first 30 or so pages before I stop posting.

Thanks again.

guy continu this thriller na