"No be here! No be here!! No be here!!!" He shouted, frantically waving his hands to reduce the impact of the punches coming his way from the window. For a while I was dazed by how quickly it all happened and didn't do anything. But then it occurred to me that if I did nothing to reduce the fists coming in through the window, it might get to me too.


This is a true life story that happened many months back while on our way to NYSC orientation camp in Jalingo , Taraba state, from Ibadan. It happened somewhere in Kogi state. Enjoy

[b]
*******
Some hours earlier, the 18 seater bus was bubbling. Majority of the bus' occupants were soon to become Corps Members and being fresh graduates, we had a lot to discuss. Our topics ranged from exams to schools, jobs, marriage, Nigerian economy, politics, music and even folklore and myths. Our mouths were engaged for hours. When long hours of sitting however began to take its toll on us, the bus gradually grew silent. The chuckles, jesting, coaxing and debates stopped and many eyelids gradually closed.

I was dozing off too when the blaring of horns jerked me awake. The driver of our bus was hitting his horns real hard and one after the other we woke up to see the reason for the persistent blaring.

The driver of the car in front of our bus, obviously a 'trouble-finder' , was driving really slowly but he had his car positioned in such a way that no other vehicle could overtake him. He drove right in the middle of the lane.

Now that provided us a good enough reason to open our buccal cavities and you can be sure that many mouths expressed their displeasure by shouting and cursing.

"This man dey mad?!" The Alfa beside me said.
"He must be drunk", a lady said from behind.
"No, I think he is just looking for trouble ni." I said, "...what's he trying to prove sef?!"
"Make this man comot for road na"
"Driver, abeg find a way to pass this side." the guy seated in the front seat said.


Our bus driver kept blaring his horns and many were shouting too. The bus was alive again. When the man decided to end his pranks and keep to his left, our driver quickly grabbed the opportunity and overtook the car. But that is not the crux of the story!

As our bus sped past, some people opened up the windows. They saw it as their opportunity to also rain insults on the car driver.
"Waka!"
"You don tire?"
"Your Father!" ... and many obscenities!
Then someone placed the icing on the cake!

It was the Alfa beside me; He opened the window, conjured up the mucus from his throat and spat on the car!

YEAH! HE DID THAT!

...and before you could say "jack in the pot", the car came from behind overtook us and pulled up in front of our bus forcing us to a halt!

Gbam! The occupants of the car alighted; four rough looking men. They descended on our bus like a pack of wolf, searching for the person who spat on them.
'Who spit?' Who spit?' They were asking with anger.

You need to see how calm Alfa became! He acted like nothing happened.

The men knew it wasn't the driver so they moved to the next window. They were deceived by the false innocence on Alfa's face, so they moved to the next window. On seeing ladies by the window on that row, they assumed it was surely the guy seated in the next row.

They forced open the window and tried to punch him. The guy impulsively cried out in pidgin english,
'No be here!..No be here! Oga, no be here!'

I guess they must have believed his innocence because they immediately left his side and returned to the Alfa seated beside me. Alfa still maintained his false composure and didn't expect the 'coming of the punch' that landed on his head!

By the time more fists descended on Alfa's head, he also cried out,
"No be here! No be here!... ani No be here!!!"

He was frantically waving his hands to reduce the impact of the punches coming his way while also trying to close the window. I looked on for a while, still a little bit amazed. Then it dawned on me that if those fists continued unabated, I might partake of the overflow too. So I joined his struggle.
All the while, Alfa continued screaming, "No be here!... Ani No be here!!!"

We eventually pushed out their hands and locked the window, accidentally injuring one of them.

Then our bus driver came to our rescue, he spoke in their native dialect and begged them on our behalf. He told we were just Corpers annoyed by the previous action of the car driver. Maybe it was because he told them we were Corpers (aka Federal Goverqnment's property) that made them leave us, I dunno! But we didn't know what to expect next, after all, one of us just trespassed in another man's land!

Thank God they sha left us.

However, hours after leaving that spot, Alfa remained the topic for discussion. We couldn't stop laughing! He became the parable of a troublemaker that went in search of trouble but had no 'liver' to defend himself when the trouble came.
Our journey switched from boring to funny cos everyone had something to contribute to the topic, even the gentle man among us who slept almost throughout the journey wasn't left out! somebody even told him to change his diet, that he should stop eating foods that make him want to spit! Our driver too would occasionally just whisper, "No be here!, No be here!" and we would all burst into laughter.
When we had a stopover at Gboko, Benue state, people urged me to switch places with Alfa to make sure he doesn't spit on people again!
[/b]

*******
...that was how 'no be here' became Alfa's nickname all through the journey and even while on camp!

I can't hold back the drops of tears that roll out of the corner of my eyes as I remember that funny incident today. I can only smile at my keyboard and soliloquize...
"Ibadan to Jalingo? Omo, no be here Oº°˚˚°ºoO !!" LOLS.
:-)

Hardethaewoh blogs at www.hardethaewoh.

No be here ooo Ani no be here

kwencypresh:

No be here ooo Ani no be here

LOLs, no be here!

No be here ooo ani no be here for receive one slap for em face wey en go see stars that day. Very funny act.

Lol! Op dis ur story funny no be hear!

Solomonodimegwu:
Lol! Op dis ur story funny no be here!

Yeah! thanks

.

dis funny,truely no be here o

Lol...No be here ooo