60 in 3yrs while still married seems much.

But you're right that may be the case.

GHoJes:

Make una stop dis sex addiction thing before e start, no be only una watch film. So the more the partner the surer its addiction.

A nympho is one who want it everyday, even a nympho can have self control by wanting it always but with one woman. Not when a man has has allowed his lack of self control to grow bigger, he is passed as an addict. There's a clear difference between habit and addiction.

The man may/may not be an addict. The details provided here is not sufficient to conclude.

LordReed:

Madam I am still waiting for you to show me how I contradicted God's Word.

At LordReed

I've liked each and everyone of your posts, I feel like you are making the most sensible contributions because I see common sense with a balanced view of the gospel and how the world works. You cracked me up about the part of forsaking all others and helping someone with their selective memory.

At OP and topic,

I think you both need time & space to work things out, separate rooms or a proper separation where you are not under the same roof for like 90 days may help.

My advice is based on the marital experience of a couple, the time apart from each other made the cheating spouse ( the husband ) miserable and aware of the negative impact on his family. He worked hard to get his wife & son back, she didn't make it easy for him either it took about a year to get her back.

I believe in talking things out with God but being brutally honest when you are before Him, because honesty will strengthen your relationship with God at least my bible teaches me that.

So please take all of your emotions the anger, hurt & pain to him and tell Him exactly what you think & how you feel. If you feel like divorce tell Him, if you feel like Lord I want to hurt this man say it. If you don't want to pray for your husband's deliverance be honest with God.

He can handle you with all of your issues and this will be extremely good therapy for your heart, soul & spirit.In the process you find relief and a sense of direction on what to do next but please do not throw away the common sense Heaven gave us by being overly religious & spiritual about this.

I believe in backing up my prayers with reasonable & good actions, so please do that otherwise our faith will be dead & useless without good deeds.

When you are done talking to God, map out several courses of action with a pros & cons column. Do this on paper and refer to it often, for instance your options could be

1. Separation - Pros - Cons
2. Staying together - Pros - Cons
3. Divorce - Pros - Cons

This method has often helped me in making reasonable & well thought out decisions.

cococandy:
60 in 3yrs while still married seems much.

But you're right that may be the case.

I see young boys with goals of 'bedding' 20 girls in a year, with an underlying factor of conquest and fun of different faces, shapes, sizes- 'varieties' as they call it. Then it grows bigger into an habit that challenges their prowess that inspired them in the beginning.

That may not be the case!

heartbrokenwife:
I would cut the story short. Been married for 3 years and dated for 5. I caught my husband cheating twice in the marriage and forgave him. However i just realised today that he has been cheating on me since we got married, and says he has slept with over 60 people that he can count in 4 years, some of them repeatedly. Please don't ask me how i didn't know..... a lot of them was either in the evenings or he would leave the office from work and go to a hotel room.he says sometimes he sleeps with 6 in a week. he has fake Facebook, fake instagram, fake twitter, and 2 extra phones that i never knew about. the phones were kept in his office. He even confessed to lying to me that he had an official meeting in nigeria, but when to have orgy. there was no meeting. From what he said its like it was the moment he changed jobs and started making money that he started the cheating spree. which was shortly after our wedding. We have just 1 son together. In the light of this news, i have decided i want a divorce. I would say i am lucky to go this far without being hiv positive. This is a man that would be leading devotion every night lol. and be harassing me for wearing sleeveless to church. I thought he was a saint.
He has said he wants to change and work things out lol, however i have to think straight, as i know there is no change for this kind of problem. I have informed my parents and his, and to my surprise, they are telling me to stay...and ENDURE. I do not understand what kind of endurance. My parents have advised i sit down and start praying and fasting for him,, so God will turn him round. Also that for the sake of my sonI don't think devil has anything to do with this, just a selfish cheating man.

So please has any of you dealt with something like this before? I don't believe he will change. Has anyone stayed and it was bearable? do you think you made a mistake by staying? Has anyone left and regretted it for the sake of their children?


Thank you.

Obviously this man has toooooo much time on his hands.
You are the only one that can answer what is good for your mental health.
For divorce, you need to get your finances in order first before initiating it.
If your finances are not in order, use divorce as your end point, while you build your finances towards it.
In the meantime, use this event to lay down some solid ground rules that he must abide to for you to stay.
1) Calculate the expenses he pays for such trips and he must transfer it into your personal account every week.
2) Build a fortified itinerary for him. He must be very present in home chores, the children's life to take away the too much time he has on his hands.
3) Sign him up for counselling classes, that he must attend, if he misses any he must pay an amount into your account.
4) If he is caught again, he must pay you a critical amount that will stretch his account, sebi he says he is repentant so this shouldn't bother him.
5) Sebi your parents and his said you should endure, use them as witnesses and if possible get a lawyer to draft this contract.
I do not believe he will change, sorry, but make sure you are equipped financially to carry out your divorce. Use this critical moment wisely and use him well to get what you need.

a lot of double standard in this thread. if it was a man posting this and said his wife has slept with 60 men in 3yrs after marriage, would you all claim for better for worse?? I digress

OP, There are HIV, HPV and other stds that have been discovered or have yet to be discovered out there. HPV can actually cause cancer and you have a child depending on you already. you are lucky to be std free right now. I don't believe chronic cheater can change. yea he may cool off for few months or even few yrs but he will eventually start up again.

McCarlito:
Since u didn't heed the advise of both ur inlaws and ur parents to work things out in ur marriage; is it now the advise given to u by nairaland that u will heed to

When u both marched to the altar; it was for better for worse till death do u part
Whatever happened to those lines

Will you say the same thing if your friend told you that his wife has slept with 60 men during the course of their marriage?

LordReed:


There was also a place they both said "forsaking all others" abi did you and him forget that part?

Hahahhahahahahhahahahaha!

His vows are different

heartbrokenwife:
I would cut the story short. Been married for 3 years and dated for 5. I caught my husband cheating twice in the marriage and forgave him. However i just realised today that he has been cheating on me since we got married, and says he has slept with over 60 people that he can count in 4 years, some of them repeatedly. Please don't ask me how i didn't know..... a lot of them was either in the evenings or he would leave the office from work and go to a hotel room. he says sometimes he sleeps with 6 in a week. he has fake Facebook, fake instagram, fake twitter, and 2 extra phones that i never knew about. the phones were kept in his office. He even confessed to lying to me that he had an official meeting in nigeria, but when to have orgy. there was no meeting. From what he said its like it was the moment he changed jobs and started making money that he started the cheating spree. which was shortly after our wedding. We have just 1 son together. In the light of this news, i have decided i want a divorce. I would say i am lucky to go this far without being hiv positive. This is a man that would be leading devotion every night lol. and be harassing me for wearing sleeveless to church. I thought he was a saint.
He has said he wants to change and work things out lol, however i have to think straight, as i know there is no change for this kind of problem. I have informed my parents and his, and to my surprise, they are telling me to stay...and ENDURE. I do not understand what kind of endurance. My parents have advised i sit down and start praying and fasting for him,, so God will turn him round. Also that for the sake of my sonI don't think devil has anything to do with this, just a selfish cheating man.

So please has any of you dealt with something like this before? I don't believe he will change. Has anyone stayed and it was bearable? do you think you made a mistake by staying? Has anyone left and regretted it for the sake of their children?


Thank you.

He can still change, believe me. Unless you have fallen out of love with him. As long as he is not verbally and physically abusive, you need to hang on, divorcing him might not be the solution, some of this things are spiritual and psychological problem, which you as the wife, may be the only person to liberate him. Always insist on protection during intercourse, focus on your son and career, while still praying for him, one day that tree will fall of his eyes.

[size=5pt]But that 60 too much na, u married a champion.[/size]

ebyjoyken:
please do not take this advice. If you divorce him, what makes you think the next man will be a better person? I nearly left my marriage early last month and God saw me through. Be patient, don't be in a hurry to act. Keep cool and watch him. Your marriage is not the worst. There are millions of others yours is better than.

U said it all.There are no saints out there.That is just the truth.And most people won't tell u d truth they face in their marriage.For him to cry out means he is really sorry and needs Help.Some marriages are worst.Provided is not a case of domestic violence that may lead to dead.Please try and sort it out.

OK OOO
SHE SAID THEY HAVE SETTLED
CA'S CLOSED

PLS MADAM OP
TELL THE MODS TO CLOSE THE THREAD


CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MARRIAGE

Phema:
Please stay in the marriage and work it out. It's for better for dead.

*Yawns*

If not for the time frame, I'd swear the OP was married to a cousin of mine. He made all the same promises to his wife. Who idiotically believed him and was rushing towards marriage.

Instead of her to sit herself down and ask why his first wife divorced him. The first wife only stood the nonsense for just so long. Wife no2 was too busy daydreaming about how the "Lord will. change him" and was encouraged by countless Naija relatives to "endure and prayerfully guide him" we his family knew better. Now wife no2 cannot open her mouth and complain when he goes so far as to sneak his friend's gf into his family home for a quickie during his father's burial (yes he did this. Yes we caught them and yes his wife silently "endured" the pitying glances and mocking comments made her way after the friend had come and started a fight and dragged his cheating babe).

OP should talk to another aunt of mine, who was also an Endured Wife of over 20 years. She advised me to never value any man because none are worth it. I suppose there's something to be said about staying together for the kids but that level of bitterness I saw from that lady, naahh it's better to leave and keep your sanity.

The OP has described a man out of control. Yes, God came change him. But is she willing to stand by him and be exposed to whatever whilst he decide what he wants to do, no matter how long it takes? That's her decision to make.

No experience hence no advisory @ OP.

Sorryo

I would never stay in such a marriage, the mental torture, the agony, the pain, heck no

No guarantee he will change, cheat me one time I forgive, second maybe, 60 times girl run for

You dear life,

Do you have a job?

How many kids?

This is not what marriage is supposed to be, please I would support you if you choose divorce,( I don't mind the double standard hypocrites that run around here)

Onegai:
If not for the time frame, I'd swear the OP was married to a cousin of mine. He made all the same promises to his wife. Who idiotically believed him and was rushing towards marriage.

Instead of her to sit herself down and ask why his first wife divorced him. The first wife only stood the nonsense for just so long. Wife no2 was too busy daydreaming about how the "Lord will. change him" and was encouraged by countless Naija relatives to "endure and prayerfully guide him" we his family knew better. Now wife no2 cannot open her mouth and complain when he goes so far as to sneak his friend's gf into his family home for a quickie during his father's burial (yes he did this. Yes we caught them and yes his wife silently "endured" the pitying glances and mocking comments made her way after the friend had come and started a fight and dragged his cheating babe).

OP should talk to another aunt of mine, who was also an Endured Wife of over 20 years. She advised me to never value any man because none are worth it. I suppose there's something to be said about staying together for the kids but that level of bitterness I saw from that lady, naahh it's better to leave and keep your sanity.

The OP has described a man out of control. Yes, God came change him. But is she willing to stand by him and be exposed to whatever whilst he decide what he wants to do, no matter how long it takes? That's her decision to make.

You have said it all with perfect images, the ball is in her court.

if you're listening to relatives guiding you on to stay and endure and be d dutiful wife you'll end up being bitter no b curse just d plain truth...you'll be bitter and might even transfer dt bitterness to your children especially if you have a female child you might unconsciously train her not to see good in men forgetting people are and will always be different...for those of you saying what's the probability d next man won't cheat...make una well done..limiting your thinking and your chances coz yua cowards and were never brave to take the leap...i seriously wud wanna see u peeps in 20yrs weda u will still dish out dose shallow advice..no one shud suffer for anoda person's sins. Before you even think about reconciling ask yourself this;
Would he be understanding if you were the sex addict?
Will he have sleepless night due to long hours of prayers and fasting for you to change?
Will you want to live d next 10-20yrs being bitter?
Will you want that bitterness to affect your son's and other subsequent ones you will have?coz it will
A man like that never stops...yes..they will cool off and you will think your prayers have finally been answered but it will start again...and again till you realize you've lived your life for a man that only cares about his fleshy needs and also for family that have already lived theirs.

No sane child will want a parent to be unhappy...i respect my mum for leaving and doing the very best for all her children..is dt not better than dying in d disguise of because of the children...d home is even unhealthy to kids...trust me my dad didn't change till date neither did randy men of his age

Next time u peeps wanna advise odas to stay or u wanna stay think of a scenario where u have a shoe and it's just too freaking tight...will u continue wearing d shoe and ride out d pain (if u do,u knw how ur feet are gonna b afterwards) or will u remove it. If u say d pain u feel frm a tight shoe and marriage to a chronic cheat is different na u sabi pain na pain

Only d OP knows how deep d pain is...

Kimoni:

sihom:


At LordReed

I've liked each and everyone of your posts, I feel like you are making the most sensible contributions because I see common sense with a balanced view of the gospel and how the world works. You cracked me up about the part of forsaking all others and helping someone with their selective memory.

At OP and topic,

I think you both need time & space to work things out, separate rooms or a proper separation where you are not under the same roof for like 90 days may help.

My advice is based on the marital experience of a couple, the time apart from each other made the cheating spouse ( the husband ) miserable and aware of the negative impact on his family. He worked hard to get his wife & son back, she didn't make it easy for him either it took about a year to get her back.

I believe in talking things out with God but being brutally honest when you are before Him, because honesty will strengthen your relationship with God at least my bible teaches me that.

So please take all of your emotions the anger, hurt & pain to him and tell Him exactly what you think & how you feel. If you feel like divorce tell Him, if you feel like Lord I want to hurt this man say it. If you don't want to pray for your husband's deliverance be honest with God.

He can handle you with all of your issues and this will be extremely good therapy for your heart, soul & spirit.In the process you find relief and a sense of direction on what to do next but please do not throw away the common sense Heaven gave us by being overly religious & spiritual about this.

I believe in backing up my prayers with reasonable & good actions, so please do that otherwise our faith will be dead & useless without good deeds.

When you are done talking to God, map out several courses of action with a pros & cons column. Do this on paper and refer to it often, for instance your options could be

1. Separation - Pros - Cons
2. Staying together - Pros - Cons
3. Divorce - Pros - Cons

This method has often helped me in making reasonable & well thought out decisions.

Thank you and I must say your response should help her make a good decision.

bukatyne:


Hahahhahahahahhahahahaha!

His vows are different

I am pretty sure it's a case of selective memory.

IM HERE TO READ FAKE STORIES. my brother my sister this and that on every issues.

@OP.do what you think will be in your best interest in the long run.

Honestly for now i was leaning towards separation and then later divorce. I have a good job that can sustain me and my child. I am only worried about how it affects the children in the long run, because i know during divorce the children suffer the consequence. If i say i think he can change i am lying, because i don't think he can, and really he doesn't really want to actually. He just wants his cake. He has indicated he wants us to stay married while he TRIES to see if he can stop.

lovaleenny:
Before you even think about reconciling ask yourself this;
Would he be understanding if you were the sex addict?
Will he have sleepless night due to long hours of prayers and fasting for you to change?
Will you want to live d next 10-20yrs being bitter?
Will you want that bitterness to affect your son's and other subsequent ones you will have?coz it will
A man like that never stops...yes..they will cool off and you will think your prayers have finally been answered but it will start again...and again till you realize you've lived your life for a man that only cares about his fleshy needs and also for family that have already lived theirs.

No sane child will want a parent to be unhappy...i respect my mum for leaving and doing the very best for all her children..is dt not better than dying in d disguise of because of the children...d home is even unhealthy to kids...trust me my dad didn't change till date neither did randy men

I could hug your mum, I wish mine had been courageous instead of what ended up happening. And we are all still living with the consequences of a selfish man, almost 20 years after his death. If only people could see the damage of staying in a bad marriage the effect on kids, there's always going to be damage. Just decide which one can be patched up better.

heartbrokenwife:
He has indicated he wants us to stay married while he TRIES to see if he can stop.

Hmmm.

A mistake is "this happened once and I am so sorry I swear to do everything to fix it till I die", not "I can't help myself, I live a double life like a CIA agent with multiple phones and social media accounts and my side chicks may one day clash over me".

Well, the ball rests in your court and it is not an easy decision and you have to be strong to stand by whatever decision you make.

Btw of course his parents will tell you to endure. They are concerned more about their son than you. No matter how much any in-law loves you, they loved their child first and will sacrifice anyone's peace of mind to keep said child happy. After all, my cousin's wife in your situation was told "we knew he was bad but we hoped him marrying you will change him". Her peace of mind sacrificed on the altar of his family's wanting to shape their son's public perception to be better. They shed tears with her over her constant humiliations and heartbreak and go home and eat and sleep in peace after all their son is still married and that's all they want, to be able to speak well of their child to others and not say "oh he's single in his 50s, two wives have left his cheating arse".

Funny enough, just like your husband, my cousin forbade his wife from wearing any skirts above knee level because it "exposed her thighs" (according to him). Yet one of his gfs (I'll never forget this) showed up to his hangout in a tight black mini skirt. I could have slapped him in anger because his wife was there dressing like Mary Amaka to please him whilst his babes were all hot chicks.

Onegai:


I could hug your mum, I wish mine had been courageous instead of what ended up happening. And we are all still living with the consequences of a selfish man, almost 20 years after his death. If only people could see the damage of staying in a bad marriage the effect on kids, there's always going to be damage. Just decide which one can be patched up better.

Thanks I'll do the hugging for d both of us when i see her next month

If this your story is true,I want to tell you that nobody is a saint Your parents won't deceive you,when we write sometimes,it is over emphasised.How does ur hubby know he has slept with over 60 (sixty) people or are we talking both man and woman?
Women get all emotional when they hear the word CHEAT, (typical).Men cheat,but am not excusing this act.Am trying to tell you to brace yourself for anything in marriage.People have being through worst.People have bisexuality spouses they never knew of.Nne,human beings can do and undo.So get yourself a shock absorber.
Mind your body and your son.Life will be easier.#Paynomindtoacheatingbrada. ;DIf this your story is true,I want to tell you that nobody is a saint Your parents won't deceive you,when we write sometimes,it is over emphasised.How does ur hubby know he has slept with over 60 (sixty) people or are we talking both man and woman?
Women get all emotional when they hear the word CHEAT, (typical).Men cheat,but am not excusing this act.Am trying to tell you to brace yourself for anything in marriage.People have being through worst.People have bisexuality spouses they never knew of.Nne,human beings can do and undo.So get yourself a shock absorber.
Mind your body and your son.Life will be easier.#Paynomindtoacheatingbrada.

You reminded me of King Solomon son that received counsel from the elders of the land and turned it down and went to seek counsel from his folks. I guess you have made up your mind on what to do, you only came to nairaland to obtain the approvals from the people that sees things the way you want them to. Since your parents counsel did not make any sense to you, I wonder how mine can. Please go ahead and do what is on your mind to do.

Biko my sister in christ endure oo. You will get your reward when he is 60-something and suffering from stroke. That's when the wandering son comes home. Then you will share a testimony in church about how he finally came home to you and you won against all his mistresses.

Endure my beloved!

I wonder if it were the woman who was busy sleeping around the word 'sex addict' and 'help him' will never be heard on this thread. We will only here 'divorce her' 'crucify her'. The hypocrisy and double standard is sickening I almost want to puke.

Op you no get any marriage just comot your mind. Na cohabitation you dey Kwa. How can your husband sleep with 60 people and you still call am husband. That na public property jare

No vex your own no follow for marriage abeg or else you are telling a bloody bold face lie

Mtcheeeeeeeeeew!!!!!

heartbrokenwife:
I would cut the story short. Been married for 3 years and dated for 5. I caught my husband cheating twice in the marriage and forgave him. However i just realised today that he has been cheating on me since we got married, and says he has slept with over 60 people that he can count in 4 years, some of them repeatedly. Please don't ask me how i didn't know..... a lot of them was either in the evenings or he would leave the office from work and go to a hotel room. he says sometimes he sleeps with 6 in a week. he has fake Facebook, fake instagram, fake twitter, and 2 extra phones that i never knew about. the phones were kept in his office. He even confessed to lying to me that he had an official meeting in nigeria, but when to have orgy. there was no meeting. From what he said its like it was the moment he changed jobs and started making money that he started the cheating spree. which was shortly after our wedding. We have just 1 son together. In the light of this news, i have decided i want a divorce. I would say i am lucky to go this far without being hiv positive. This is a man that would be leading devotion every night lol. and be harassing me for wearing sleeveless to church. I thought he was a saint.
He has said he wants to change and work things out lol, however i have to think straight, as i know there is no change for this kind of problem. I have informed my parents and his, and to my surprise, they are telling me to stay...and ENDURE. I do not understand what kind of endurance. My parents have advised i sit down and start praying and fasting for him,, so God will turn him round. Also that for the sake of my sonI don't think devil has anything to do with this, just a selfish cheating man.

So please has any of you dealt with something like this before? I don't believe he will change. Has anyone stayed and it was bearable? do you think you made a mistake by staying? Has anyone left and regretted it for the sake of their children?


Thank you.

Sounds like you married one of the ashewo-men

If he does an average of six per week and he's been at this for 4 years then his body count should be closer to 600 than sixty. Hmmm. . .

https://www.nairaland.com/1290971/list-out-asewo-joints-area

LordReed:


There was also a place they both said "forsaking all others" abi did you and him forget that part?

Sorry I had to LoL on a thread like this. OP no vex abeg

Just to give an update. MY HPV was positive. It would now be sent for more tests to be sure it hasn't gone to cancerous stage. He has also impregnated about 2 women, one sells shoes in market and the other is a hair dresser. This is a man who makes almost 2million naira monthly.

I have decided i have to leave, He has told me he has been doing this since he was a teenager, so thinking he will change now is futile. He is not sexually attracted to me, but rather to extremely fat women. His women were prostitutes, fat pregnant women, even importing fat girls from the village for sex....and many other things. My family is still not in support but i have to look out for myself and my only child.