Gender Depression is the worst place to be. I was never one to take anything seriously and will always laugh off what people see as serious.

My husband wanted just two kids and I thought God will bless me with one of each, as I came from an all-girl family. Needless to say I had always desired to have a male child but thought I will be fine with whichever I got.
Fast forward to my twenty week dating scan, I was expecting my 2nd daughter! Before I got in to see the sonologist, I prayed and again listed to God all the reasons I wanted a boy this time but I also told him i'll be happy with whatever sex i got. How wrong I was.

Immediately I got into the car after my scan, I broke down into uncontrollable tears. I shared my feelings with my husband and relatives and they all thought I was being over-sensitive. The remaining part of the pregnancy was hell for me. I never slept up to three straight hours at night. People-including family- never made it any easier for me. I kept getting comments like "I hope it's a boy for you this time," "Make you born the one wey go dey piss for up now, no be for down," etc. Well, I felt I will get better when I put to bed, but how wrong I was!

The feelings of depression have only trippled since then. I told my husband I need help but he thinks i'm joking about it. I want a son so badly now that it is all I think and dream of. I won't even try to get pregnant again if it is going to be another girl. I see people everywhere around me blessed with boys and wonder why mine is different. My faith has been shaken because twice I prayed and twice it seems God did not answer. People who came to visit after I have birth kept saying how the next one will be a boy. How do they know, how can I be so sure, did I even ask their opinion? Why can't people mind their business?

I know God's delay is never denial but i am so scared of the future as it is now. I dont want to end up having six girls because i want a boy, as i feel if i am able to persuade my husband to try again and we get another girl, it may unsettle my family. And yes, I love my daughters and so does my husband. My husband still insists that he is done with child-bearing but I also know it is more of his being scared of trying again and having another girl. I'm sure he will try again if he is sure we will have a boy next. Plus, he wont want me to have to go through the torture I put myself through in my last pregnancy. If i dont try again, i'll never know what plans God has for me in future.

I'll like to know if there are people on here who had ever felt this way at some point in their lives. I'll like to know if you genuinely got over it and when you did get over it. Did you find the courage to try again or not and what was the result? Comments could also come from people who already have boys and wanted a girl.

People who are blessed with both sexes can never know how lucky they are not to have gone through this sort of depression. I know that a child is a child and many are looking for even half a child to call their own and have not seen one. I appreciate their pain. But I so know ths Nigerians like to suffer inwardly and then smile in public like all is well.

Please i do not want bashings or preaching on this thread. I only need responses from mature minds. I believe this forum will help encourage and lift the spirit of women who may be going through or may have gone through something similar and could not talk to any one about it because of how our Society may frown upon discussing things like this.

However, the truth remains that gender depression is real and gender depression is a very bad place to be. May God help us get out of thus and pretty soon, Amen.

this boy you are craving for hope he doesn't bring disgrace to you, God knows the end before the beginning, the fact you have girls doesnt mean they are inferior, arent you a woman? how do you think your daughter would feel if she Knew you were disappointed she turned out to be a girl?
my cousins are 4girls, today 3 of them are married and the last one just graduated university, i can tell you that their mom does not pay a dime to do anything she gets cared for by these girls, she has travelled to usa, Scotland and dubai, paid for by these girls so if you really want boys that neglect their families and focus on their wives families then go ahead.

We really have different desires. My mum wanted to have a girl child so much and in the process of trying had 5 boys. The thing is, no one on earth can help u have a male child if u try again. So there's still a chance of having a third female child. So since u and ur husband have decided to have just two children , why don't you just focus on training them up to become responsible women who would lead great lives? Put them in great schools and care for them. Honestly, this desire of yours is a little petty if u want the truth ,and you're about to allow it destroy you and your marriage.

You shared my post and brought me here.

My mother had 4 daughters.
Someone on our street had 7 sons ( all in the bid to have a girl o). She would come to our house after work and lament to my mom about how lucky she is.
Another of my mom's friend used to tease my mom. Until one day at the end of the session when she was crying to my mom about how her son had to repeat a class. Imagine the smug look on my momma's face when she brought out our report cards. She never called my mom Abi-girls again.

We were the butt of many jokes buh now ppl envy us.

I know how you feel and I sincerely hope that you get over this depression so that you can enjoy parenting these amazing girls that God has given you.
You can try again, if its a girl laugh at yourself.
Love her ,cherish her and enjoy the moments you spend with your girls.
Dont let fear or what people may say stop you from enjoying this life.

If its a boy....lucky you. Love him and treat him equally with the others. Don't overpet him just coz he is a boy.

I hope you know that there is absolutely nothing that a girl cannot do?
I hope you know that kids can detect vibes? Positive or Negative? Watch the vibes you emit around your girls.
I hope you realise that not all men are gung-ho over boys? That the reason your dh is a hesitant may be cos he knows how much it matters to you and as such, it matters to him too.
People will tease you all the time.....they will tell you to give birth to twin boys....they will give you nicknames...Guess what? It will only hurt if you allow it to. They will persist only if you allow them to.
I'm sure you know that as a woman, you have zero influence over sex selection. The man has the Y chromosome and only him can let it go, though he has no power to do so.

Lastly, many people swear by some methods pf sex selection. Google it up and help yourself.

Goodluck and remember to enjoy your girls now that the only one they love is you.

You are very funny. I know people who have been looking to have a child of any Sex for 8 years now...even had a failed IVF!

@ RolandKen, I know my desire is petty but it's something i've tried to let go off which won't go away. Yes hubby wanted just two kids but I wanted four. I always used to tease him before this baby that we should have a meeting point which will be three. So definitely I want to try again for the third but never thought I will be bothered about gender until now.

If I had got both sexes a third will not be a problem as I will be ready to accept a third no matter the gender. But with the GD I went through with number two, I feel going for a third now will be more scary to my husband because he may think i'm trying again for a boy and not for a third child. I don't want him to go through GD as well as he feels okay where he is now. I believe that somehow I will cope with having a third girl, but what I even fear most now is having twin girls as we have a history of twins in my family. My mum had five girls, the last being a set of twins!

I want to give everything some time and watch my DD2 grow into her own unique being before I try again. I want to learn to love her and be ready to give her a little one again; whether male or female, before I venture again. No child deserves this and of course even if I end up with ten girls, I won't ever want any of them to know that I felt bad about having them.

In the long run, in future I know i'll be fine because my mum loves us all and never regrets having any of us. What is dificult for me to go through is now, and today, not tomorrow.

Do people ever regret the children they have/had? I will think you can only regret the children you never had...

i really laughed after reading your post.its all in Gods hands. so y are u so bothered.remember he gives u what is best for u.i have the same issue but have five of them.i know Gods reason for giving them to me is to give me joy.i buy all d trendy wears i can for them,make sure they look good.DH has built a flat for each of them for future purposes.why trouble myself when i have done my best.i know how much i spent from chinese calendar to shettles n docs tracking ovulation.i know it gets worse when people start asking those silly questions like"dont you want a son?".like say their papa dey sell am.but i have developed thick skin.so sister dear!buckle up,worry less,look good pray more.HBP is real.so u dont die n another replaces u.above all my motto is "take good care of yourself and d girls"remember to shower them with love,give them the best n watch them turn into confident women.'dassol'CHEER UP

I have two girls by csection and we love them dearly just wishing I will have a boy next and I will.

@ estheremma, thanks for your post. It's good to know I will feel better with time. I only pray for the grace to stop after my next baby, whatever the sex is. Going beyond 3/4 will mean we may not be able to give our kids the kind of education/grooming we would have loved to. What is the range of your kids' age?

@ Barney11, I hope and pray you get a boy next. All we can do is pray and have faith right?

@MissyMassy Having another baby is not a problem. But the motive for having that third child is the area to be a little worried. If your planning on having the third one because you need a son, it really isn't healthy psychologically. What if the next one is another girl? It may make you slip deeply into depression. Depression is not an easy disorder to manage. Prevention is best. So I advocate that you treat the main issue which is your mentality concerning gender of your children. Learn to love and be comfortable with whatever gender you have. See a psychologist if you have to. Google up families with predominant successful girls in order to receive encouragement. Maybe also make friends with women who had all girls and whose girls are doing well. Only when you solved this psychological issue can u then proceed to have another baby if you want. Forget about what others say. If you aren't proud of what you have first, no one can be proud of them for you. It has to start with you. Learning to love yourself and what you have is the greatest love of all.

Thanks RolandKen.

See the time and i'm yet to sleep. I find myself fighting sleep even when it tries to come. I really must work on my mind, no matter how long it will take. Any idea of any Psychologist in Lagos I can see?

Missymassy:
Thanks RolandKen.

See the time and i'm yet to sleep. I find myself fighting sleep even when it tries to come. I really must work on my mind, no matter how long it will take. Any idea of any Psychologist in Lagos I can see?

Dont worry pray.After my last baby i almost became crazy.thank God for my family n prayers.dont stop praying.it is well.to ur question my kids are between 13-2.

I adore my girls cos they rock our world!pls be proud of ur kids no matter what.if u let it bother u it becomes an issue which is not even supposed to be.

MissyMassy,

I'm in the same situation like you (2 girls and DH wants to stop with having kids; while I only think about a son). Now, I'm even thinking about IVF/PGD. My only issue is...Does God validate this Because I'm a Christian!
You know this stuff scares me because I know of many stories where the lack of a son caused home breakdown...

Dear geneeva,look on the brighter side,there is nothing like a home breakage if ur married into a family dat don't see things that way and judging from ur statement ur hubby is not bothered so give urself break but I know that God always complete His blessings so urs and mine won't be different.

https://mobile.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=958947250793748&id=179903408698140&refid=17

Go through that story Geeneva, it may help you make up your mind. I thought of PGD too but it's very expensive plus no assurance of a baby at the end. Where do you intend to do yours, in Nigeria or abroad?

I don't think a woman who has two girls will be criticized by her husband's family. Besides, it's your DH who wants to stop having kids, not you. Mine says if there will be any more kids, it'll be when we are in our forties. Who is ready to wait till then? They are men and can father children even in their sixties!

Barney11, you've not been replying my emails. Meanwhile my hubby's friend just had a son after two girls so any thing is possible. I guess the only problem we have now is we wanting to go on while our partners think they don't want to.

Pls dear send it again.

kk.

geeneva:
MissyMassy,

I'm in the same situation like you (2 girls and DH wants to stop with having kids; while I only think about a son). Now, I'm even thinking about IVF/PGD. My only issue is...Does God validate this Because I'm a Christian!
[b]You know this stuff scares me because I know of many stories where the lack of a son caused home breakdow[/b]n...

Decided to response because of the bolded
Do you know Tchidi Chikere (actor)? If not google him and read up! He left his wife that had 3 SOLID boys for him and married another woman, she has a daughter for him now

Now I'm sure you know tuface popularly called tubaba

he dint marry his first babymam that had 2 boys for him, he dint marry his second baby mama that had three children (mix of boy and girl). he married the one that had only a girl and now she has another girl making two girls.
I can go on and on

Its God that secures a home not a male child

May God continually grant us healthy & godly children that will bring us everlasting joy & pride

Now that said I want to take a moment to really appreciate God for the lives of everyone going through this.

I thank God that you guys never knew the meaning of ttc, or what it meant to stay up at night crying, weeping and begging God to just give you one of any sex. What it means to go through 30 pregnancy sticks a month hoping desperately for the second line, using thermometer to monitor temperature to know when you are ovulating, submitting yourself for all sorts of test

You think 'I pray the next one is a boy' is depressing hmmmm.... So imagine 'when you go get belle self' or attending various baby showers and endless baby dedications or birthday parties of people you got married before

God is really merciful and marvelous.

I pray he grants y'all your heart desires and give you sons that would not bring disgrace or reproach to your homes in Jesus name

Take out time tho to read the ttc thread or the ivf thread may help put things in perspective for you

Missymassy.

Am going to congratulate you that you have two girls already, keep appreciating God and if he wish he will give you a boy. I pray to have both too.

Let me briefly share my mums story;

Just like your hubby my dad wanted two children but after 2 girls my mum could not stop cos she wanted a boy. The third and fourth came as girls then she stopped. After few years she resumed her search for boys again, and if am not making a mistake she had up to 6 miscarriages but finally had a baby boy may 2002 who is no more today. All in all my dad no send her.

My mum keeps telling us how foolish she was then risking her life.

God will grant your heart desire if it is good for you, he won't give you what will trouble you in the future cos sincerely some families are better off without male child.

Sorry for the long post. Please ignore if its not relevant.

Yeah, its nice having both sexes but it's equally as nice having only one sex.
Don't let the quest for a particular sex of a child break you down.
I think most people let it get to them because of what other people think or say. Don't live your life for anybody.
Enjoy the beautiful children you have now cos very soon they'll be all grown and will leave the nest.
Some of your friends and relatives may feel smug because they have male children, but don't feel bad cos they lack understanding. That's just a human flaw, to show off even when it's irrelevant. Don't forget life shouldn't be a competition, live right and enjoy your life giving gratitude to God always.
Always pray for your children to excel in all they do, and you'll soon see how you become the envy of everyone for having such blessed children.

Thanks all. It's just that it's not easy, you begin to wonder if something is wrong with you and why you could not mix as others.

@ Bloomingbud, your story is really interesting buy funny enough, I know of someone whom something similar happened to.

I just pray God helps me make the best decision for me and my family, Amen.

Missy,just enjoy ur life and let baba Gods name be exalted.

Don't know if this thread has been abandoned but i grew up in a house of over 6 girls no brother and parents who though tried to pretend but experienced severe gender depression.Always arguing about it,threats counter threats and insults from some relatives.My mother kept trying well into her 40s and still no success.In the end she adopted a boy in her 50s.

I think parents need to be careful about the kind of message they are passing across subconsciously.My mothers endless boy hunt made me feel like maybe we were not enough?I asked her why she was risking her life (about 3 miscarriages) and she kept on citing culture,and trying to protect us from 'wicked' uncles etc. One thing i know for sure is that adopting the boy still has come with it's own complications,apathy from us and wondering how he will be raised as my mother is a career woman who has no time.So its not like shes going to pour all her love into him or anything,he's just there to fulfill her boy hunger.I told her that adopting a child just for the sake of his gender is unacceptable and selfish but dem no dey hear so .I'm too far away and sooo much older so im not growing with him,my other sisters hardly know him as well because they are busy with work/uni. You need to know my mother is not just anyone o,has reached the peak of her career etc so it's not a local woman i'm talking about here.Meanwhile it's not like she and my dad are drunk in love sef after the son.

That said,no matter how much you try to mask your' depression',truth is that you will never be satisfied till you get that boy. That's just how it is unfortunately.My advise is this..if you want to do anything,do it now!! Don't wait till you have 5 girls.If you have money go for gender selection and spare yourself the lifelong misery.One thing i know though is the more desperate you are,the further away what you want gets away from you,i don't know why but it's the irony of life.This whole gender thing made me search for a spouse who was indifferent to se x of a child,and one of the factors that made me get out of naija..I dont know your home situation(as per fear of what DH may do in future in the hunt for boy),don't know how you grew up as that may be contributing to your anxiety but I will say better select and rest since you are unhappy.
Having boys will not make a marriage happier or more fulfilling neither will it stop any spouse from misbehaving if they choose to.

It takes a special man&woman to raise a one se x family,especially an all girls one..some people are naturally contented and more accepting of whatever life has handed them and will make the best of it.It is not easy as the parent will have to constantly revalidate the girls,assure them of their love,spur them on to greater heights,expect nothing less than excellence from them.Show them they can be better than the boys,change tyres,wash cars,fuel and power the gen without batting an eye.I have a friend who goes out for beers with her father in the evenings,they are 4 girls and all worth 100 boys(their father sings this to them whenever they come with questions).


I didn't do gender selection,in fact i was battling ttc so just wanted anyone and didn't care.I have one of each.Life happens but please while you are seeking the boy be careful around the girls because you may be passing a message to them without even speaking a word.I know i have both but I had to write this to speak up for that girl child because I was in that shoe and this is how it appeared in my eyes no matter how they tried to pretend infront of us(arguing behind closed doors,family meetings etc).Children naturally pick up when parents are unhappy and soon they grow up and understand.

In the meantime,ginger yourself and start seeing your girls as special,determine in your heart that they will be raised without any bias and will be excellent to the best of your ability.My sisters also very anxious like you,even the unmarried ones.I hope you get all your heart desires.


Good Luck ma!

Thanks for your reply Jahblessme. It's good to know that someone understands me. About the constant re-assurance, it's also something my mum had to do to us all the time! I don't know if I can handle an all-girl brood but I believe God knows what I can handle and will give me just that. I'm considering GS but my DH is not party to it yet and I don't want to push him into making such a decision in a haste. Also the fact that one has to try up to twice or thrice to make a head way plus the costs involved; it's all so nerve-breaking!

Having said that, now you guys have almost all left the house how do your parents now get along?

Hi Missymassy,
Sorry im just seeing this,been a bit busy and will disappear for a bit again(crazy busy)
I do understand where you are coming from and honestly speaking,it's not easy....
The GS things is no joke,you may do once and hit jackpot..you may have to do multiple times.The problem is the funds needed.
Your hubby has to be fully on board with the whole thing and you will need support as it most likely will be emotionally draining. It's just so dicey.
About my parents,they are there oo,normal naija marriage.Nothing special..I know the scars from all the wahala from hunting for boy are still there.Honestly i don't think my mother can ever fully recover from the trauma and i don't believe my father will ever stop being disappointed that he doesn't have a son from his own loins. They are coexisting,not like they've ever been madly in love anyways.I forgot to add that my father also wanted 2 kids .We are pushing 10.It's just sooo funny now that i'm writing it.

All girls family needs a special kind of father and mother..liberal minded & focused to get the best out of the kids.


You need to look deep down inside and be totally honest with yourself as to why you are so anxious..Is the anxiety coming from your parents experience?Are you foisting it onto your marriage? Would Dh be satisfied with status quo? Are you scared of what he might do? Do you think he may turn into boy hunter? You should have an idea of the kind of man you are married to then advise yourself accordingly. How many kids do you want?Is DH willing to shift on number of kids he wants despite the se x? You both will have to talk earnestly and see if it's worth the hassle,and if you decide not to go that way what next?Keep trying for the boy and then where will you stop?(5 or 6 kids down the line?)
Is the money you will spend on GS going to be worth it for you in the end?If having a boy will give you that ecstatic elusive happiness,you may have to go for it but i doubt it would solve anything though..

Believe me when i say this- Everything you are looking for is in your two girls..every little thing.

It is weeellll

Jahblessme.
Such a wonderful post, I can relate with 80% of what you mentioned in your post. Up till now my mum regrets not adopting a boy while she was younger and keep telling (praying) that all of us will have a male child first. May God grant her heart desires.

Seems my dad is indifferent about it but I know he would have loved a male child dearly.

This is really touching. I have a neighbour that has four girls, the last one is 4years, 25,22,20 and 4. Means they tried their luck again with the 4th child.

Really did not pay much attention until it happened to my brother's wife.

She has a boy that is 4, lost her second pregnancy after knowing the sex of the child (a girl) then after going through a very high risk third pregnancy, where doctors had to bring the baby out @7mnths, she discovered it was a boy and she entered into serious post natal depression and in her case, she has gotten to her final bus stop because of her health

She refused to see anybody in the hospital and even after she got home, it was shocking

For months, she 'hated' the child, wishing that the second pregnancy stayed instead.

I could not comprehend why but with this thread, I think I now have an idea.

Thanks for your replies. @ Jahblessme, I think you have already summed up all my fears in your last post. I want three kids; not more than three for now. I used to think their sex will never bother me but God will bless me with at least one of each...

I think my GD started when my mum was anxious to know if I had found out my DD2s sex. So when I did find out, I told her and I didn't know how I fell into tears at that point. She began to pray for me, say how I could always have more kids, how she had always prayed for her daughters never to go through what she went through, etc. I began to feel like I had dissapointed her, imagine. Then I began to feel like I had dissapointed myself and everyone else around me and it suddenly seemed every one else wanted to know if it was a boy for me this time. I will say back to them "No, it's a girl" and then i'll begin to get all the pitiful comments.

Well, I know I am going to have one more child but I dunno if it will be naturally or via assisted conception(leaning more towards natural). I also know that I will be very prayerful about my next conception; who knows, God may give me twin boys! The question about if u will keep going on if I have another girl; I really cannot answer that one now oh. What I really hope for is the grace to carry out my next pregnancy smoothly as I don't intend to find out the sex until baby is here; hoping that will help ease tension for me all for any one else that cares to know.

Ma'am in everything give thanks Ma'am in everything give thanks

I wish you all the best missymassy..hope you get all your heart desires!!