EfemenaXY:


Even for you, this analogy is one-sided.

The mere fact that they were married for 30 years should in itself portray something about that union. Where marriage is concerned, there is no one size fits all. You don't know whether it was the man's idea or a joint decision that the wife should be at home to look after the kids while he goes out to get the bacon.

There is nothing unusual about that sort of arrangement - an arrangement which has worked well for many couples. Do not underestimate the contribution of a stay-at-home mum or parent. Not everyone is built or even wants to be a high-flying career go-getter. Many couples choose this option because they want well-balanced kids. Kids who'll come home from school to a clean house, hot meals, etc. Or for the younger ones, having a parent waiting for them at the school gates after school to take them home, as opposed to a nanny / househelp.

Human beings will always want more and will always want to experience the "other" aspect of life which is different to what they currently have / live. And that's no different to what happened in this example you've given. Now let's be realistic. Death / ill-health is no respector of gender. Just as you say anything could have happened to the man, anything could likewise have happened to his wife too. She too could have met her demise early on in life or struck down by ill health. Secondly, prior to the man's business crumbling (due to the economic crises you mention), would he have attained that height without the woman's input - or better still, are you saying the woman looking after the homefront had no contribution to his success?

Sagamite:


I don't think it has anything to do with Caucasian women getting anything right.

I think it just has to do with the Nigerian men knowing that that is not the expectations/traditions of the non-Nigerian women and adapting to these and not having typical expectations themselves that they would have with a Nigerian woman.

That said, considering the antecedent of Nigerian women and the experiences of these guys with them, I suspect many Nigerian men would think a Nigerian woman would abuse the privilege of reception of similar behaviours given to non-Nigerian women. We already see how they feel they need to drag a man on the floor for wooing them, abuse of power you will hardly ever see with white women.

Personally, despite being a strong advocate of encouraging Nigerian men to date non-Nigerian women, I can confidently say I NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER treat non-Nigerian women I date differently from Nigerian women I date.

I treat them all the same as I am not one of those people that do senseless culture, traditions or whatever.

I do things like I personally feel and which I find sensible. I understand what I want and like and don't need the approval of society (who are mainly fcktards) to validate what I want.

Whether you are white or black, I will never be caught dead having a schedule or roster of sharing housework.

Not in this life or the next!

I prefer a woman to do it but it is not by force, if you don't want to, then leave it. I wouldn't disturb you.

I do my housework ad hoc-ly, when I am in the mood. My house is never that of a neat freak and I am happy with it.

I let any woman I date have her own rights to do whatever she wants to do. I only play an advisory role, if she does not want to listen, that is her business. It is her life.

I am not romantic! I will never be romantic. That is not my calling in this life or the next. You will never see me buying roses or putting up red candles.

Any girl, black or white, that does not like it is free to find a man that is romantic.

Also, I would never marry a girl, black or white, who family (including extended) does not matter to. She must see family, as far as second cousins, as important.

TooNoisy:


You are best ignored.

pickabeau1:
Its just surprising to see more ladies standing up for naija guys

on these boards, naija guys are the worst thing

They are the cheaters, liars, killers, pedophiles if u go by what ladies post here


T

EfemenaXY:


Lol! You're wrong.

Sh0llypopz:


White women created feminism. They wouldn't have if they weren't living in an oppressive/patriarchal society. The reason why Nigerian women haven't changed is due to ignorance and mental slavery. A lot of Nigerian women today are still holding on to gender roles, they are still very guilty of victim blaming and they see themselves as inferior to the opposite gender. Africa has a whole has been backwards in everything! From technology, to economy, to health care issues and even basic policies protecting human rights. So, no surprise here.

Nigerian women are products of their societies. I grew up around highly educated Nigerians and I have lost count of how many times something sexist have been said to me. I was told by a PHD holder that the highest degree a woman can have is the Mrs degree. No matter the level of education of a Nigerian woman, she is to aspire to marriage. She is suppose to learn how to wash dishes or learn how to cook, not because these are skills that would help her be a better independent adult but because she needs to get a husband. The sculpting of the Nigerian woman's minds started since she was baby, the effects of growing up in a patriarchal society seeped into her subconsciously. Mental slavery is powerful ... Nigeria, Africa and the black diaspora as a whole still suffer from the effects of colonialism and slavery.

(I'm lazy but if you want me to expand on mental slavery, I could go on.)

pickabeau1:
Its just surprising to see more ladies standing up for naija guys

on these boards, naija guys are the worst thing

They are the cheaters, liars, killers, pedophiles if u go by what ladies post here


T

Mindfulness:


I do know it. When the husband set up a shop, the woman didn't feel like working there even though the kids were grown. What the hell was she doing all day long?

There is nothing wrong with that for a limited period of time but kids grow and become more self-reliant so what do you do when they grow up?
And why is it not possible for a mother to at least work for a few hours a week or part time once the kids go to school?

The husband didn't want something for the sake of having it. He was deeply troubled and had no support from the person who was supposed to be there for him.

Of course a mother can die too but the difference is that the husband will still be able to feed his kids whereas many widows won't.

If the man hadn't married, he would have still been able to run a business.

Sh0llypopz:


White women created feminism. They wouldn't have if they weren't living in an oppressive/patriarchal society. The reason why Nigerian women haven't changed is due to ignorance and mental slavery. A lot of Nigerian women today are still holding on to gender roles, they are still very guilty of victim blaming and they see themselves as inferior to the opposite gender. Africa has a whole has been backwards in everything! From technology, to economy, to health care issues and even basic policies protecting human rights. So, no surprise here.

Nigerian women are products of their societies. I grew up around highly educated Nigerians and I have lost count of how many times something sexist have been said to me. I was told by a PHD holder that the highest degree a woman can have is the Mrs degree. No matter the level of education of a Nigerian woman, she is to aspire to marriage. She is suppose to learn how to wash dishes or learn how to cook, not because these are skills that would help her be a better independent adult but because she needs to get a husband. The sculpting of the Nigerian woman's minds started since she was baby, the effects of growing up in a patriarchal society seeped into her subconsciously. Mental slavery is powerful ... Nigeria, Africa and the black diaspora as a whole still suffer from the effects of colonialism and slavery.

(I'm lazy but if you want me to expand on mental slavery, I could go on.)

Mindfulness:


Well, many men on this forum seem to be.

daretodiffer:

On this forum, Nigerian women are biitches, sluts, gold diggers, rude, arrogant, disloyal and liars...if you go by what men post here.

TooNoisy:


The question really should be why should a stay at home parent always be the woman? It is perfectly normal and ok to have a woman be the stay at home parent. Infact we even praise her because it is not easy to be a house wife. But let a woman create a thread saying her husband is not working at the moment, you will hear a very different reaction. They will say he is lazy, useless and an slowpoke.

Nigerian women cannot demand equality and still create a very different set of rules from evaluating the contributions of men and women. That is the difference with white women. The whites play fair with the rules. The man and woman take turns to baby-sit but she also contributes to the home. Even while dating, she offers to pay for vacation sometimes and she pays for some of the dates.

TooNoisy:


The question really should be why should a stay at home parent always be the woman? It is perfectly normal and ok to have a woman be the stay at home parent. Infact we even praise her because it is not easy to be a house wife. But let a woman create a thread saying her husband is not working at the moment, you will hear a very different reaction. They will say he is lazy, useless and an slowpoke.

Nigerian women cannot demand equality and still create a very different set of rules from evaluating the contributions of men and women. That is the difference with white women. The whites play fair with the rules. The man and woman take turns to baby-sit but she also contributes to the home. Even while dating, she offers to pay for vacation sometimes and she pays for some of the dates.

pickabeau1:


See?

I disagree
The level of hate towards guys is gargantuan

daretodiffer:


I keep telling to stop using stereotypes

http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2015/feb/08/men-women-cleaning-gender-divide-middle-class-men-do-less


http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-206381/Working-women-housework.html



http://edition.cnn.com/2015/03/05/opinions/kohn-gender-roles-cleaning/

Sh0llypopz:


White women created feminism. They wouldn't have if they weren't living in an oppressive/patriarchal society. The reason why Nigerian women haven't changed is due to ignorance and mental slavery. A lot of Nigerian women today are still holding on to gender roles, they are still very guilty of victim blaming and they see themselves as inferior to the opposite gender. Africa has a whole has been backwards in everything! From technology, to economy, to health care issues and even basic policies protecting human rights. So, no surprise here.

Nigerian women are products of their societies. I grew up around highly educated Nigerians and I have lost count of how many times something sexist have been said to me. I was told by a PHD holder that the highest degree a woman can have is the Mrs degree. No matter the level of education of a Nigerian woman, she is to aspire to marriage. She is suppose to learn how to wash dishes or learn how to cook, not because these are skills that would help her be a better independent adult but because she needs to get a husband. The sculpting of the Nigerian woman's minds started since she was baby, the effects of growing up in a patriarchal society seeped into her subconsciously. Mental slavery is powerful ... Nigeria, Africa and the black diaspora as a whole still suffer from the effects of colonialism and slavery.

(I'm lazy but if you want me to expand on mental slavery, I could go on.)

Mindfulness:


I do know it. When the husband set up a shop, the woman didn't feel like working there even though the kids were grown. What the hell was she doing all day long?

Mindfulness:
There is nothing wrong with that for a limited period of time but kids grow and become more self-reliant so what do you do when they grow up?
And why is it not possible for a mother to at least work for a few hours a week or part time once the kids go to school?

Mindfulness:
The husband didn't want something for the sake of having it. He was deeply troubled and had no support from the person who was supposed to be there for him.

Mindfulness:
Of course a mother can die too but the difference is that the husband will still be able to feed his kids whereas many widows won't.

If the man hadn't married, he would have still been able to run a business.

Mindfulness:
The husband didn't want something for the sake of having it. He was deeply troubled and had no support from the person who was supposed to be there for him.

Mindfulness:


Have you read these articles?

Shymm3x:


Regardless, this type of topic is just boring. Folks need to start taking responsibilities for their own actions and whatever reaction they get – and stop moaning. Once you learn how to give out the right energy, you’ll start getting the same energy back in return. If Nigerian men are putting foreign women on a pedestal, it shows foreign women have things Nigerian women fundamentally lack. And perhaps it’s high time they started looking in the mirror and making amends to whatever reflection they see.

Sh0llypopz:


The second highlighted sentence makes my blood boil because women (especially black women) have always been raised to blame themselves for the shortcomings of the opposite sex. Women are raped because they weren't dressed properly, they were violently abused because they provoked the man with their tongue, their husbands cheated because they got fat and so on. My issue is this, at what point do you as a black man start to hold other black men to the same standard you hold your women? At what point do you tell your fellow kinsmen to take responsibilities for their actions?

Are you you trying to tell me that you are not aware of the self-hate a lot of black men have? A Nigerian man who has no problem beating his wife would hesitate when it comes to hitting Becky because he knows Becky's rights are protected. Moreover, Becky also has white privilege. He knows that white men would never tolerate a black man hitting one of their women. Na straight to jail. We black women do not have that. Our men are "endangered species", there is no one to protect us.

Black women are raised tough. We are raised to be strong, we are raised to "hold down" our men. We are raised to not focus on "silly" things like romance but be prepared to protect our men because they already have it rough. So, we suffer in silence. We reduce our expectations and we grow up to be women who coddle their sons but hard on their daughters. It's so sad, we are expected to understand the black man, to not call the police on him because a lot of black men are in jail. Yet, these same black men become yes men to Beckys because Beckys have something that black women do not? Like what Shy?

BTW, where is Ileke? What happened to the common wealth thread? I came back and it looks like no one was commenting on the thread anymore.

EfemenaXY:


There's nothing wrong with not wanting to work in a shop. Whose idea was it that she work in a shop? And more importantly was that the only option available to her? Have you considered that she might have wanted something completely different but the man was probably against it as per wanting her to operate close to the homefront? Not everyone is cut to sit at at a shop all day selling goods / services to customers. I for one particularly detest it - but this isn't about me.

Doing what exactly? Something "small" here and there? Again it's about choice and interest. But let's look at this from a different angle: Assuming this woman went to Uni and bagged a degree in a field that is dynamic to change - e.g Computer Science. How realistic would it be for her to get back in there after being away from the working environment for so long? Assuming she had 3 or 4 kids over a period of 10 - 12 years, What would her chances be of getting a job in her field compared to her younger, fresher-faced counterparts just out of Uni?

That doesn't address the question I asked you...which was: does being a stay-at-home parent (or mum) equate to having no hand in a spouse's success? Her being at home was utterly useless? Have you considered that in order to do well, one needs to be of a sound, and peaceful mindset? Who in their right minds will feel settled coming home to an unkempt house with kids not looked after properly? Can such a person think sanely in such an environment?

The question wasn't about whether he would be able to feed his kids or not in the absence of his wife. The question was how well he'd have progressed with building up the business if she wasn't around to help play her part - and yes, the stay-at-home mum played an important part towards the success of that business. It wasn't her fault that an economic downturn occurred.

Mindfulness:


True but I still don't understand why Africans can never be innovative. The progress that takes place in Africa is always the result of the imitation of the Western world but never anything original. And even the imitation is always delayed.

EfemenaXY:



Really?

So for the 30 odd years they were married what was she doing then if not supporting him?

He suddenly discovered he was "deeply" troubled after his kids had grown, flown the nest, and madam was no longer fresh-faced but suddenly an old woman? Do you for one second think his alternative woman would have successfully combined looking after his kids and run her business to the standard he met? Talk about wanting a ready-made setting.

daretodiffer:


I am sorrt but you cannot disagree with this

Sh0llypopz:


I don't have the answers but this is what I think- Poverty and Religion.

We can't be worried about developing a new technology or travelling to space because we still have fundamental problems like lack of water, food, healthcare, education and so on.

Secondly, we have become so dependent on religion. We have learned to not fight and struggle for what belongs to us but to look to God to save us.

These two I blame on colonialism but I often wondered if killing of twins, and some of the barbaric things that took place in some African ethnic groups would have continued if our lands weren't invaded by white people.

pickabeau1:


ok

Mindfulness:


She was supporting him by cooking and cleaning for 30 years. What a life.

Mindfulness:
He was troubled when his business began to crumble. By the way, his new woman is loaded so really not looking after his money as she was the one who helped him re-create his business.

TooNoisy:
Why do you think Nigerian women are not exactly appealing to white men and men of other nationalities. If indeed Nigerian women possess all these great and wonderful qualities which should make them endearing to men of any colour or nationality. The question is why?

More Nigerian men would prefer Becky to Adesua and the average white guy wouldn't even think of Adesua. Well may be Adesua should examine herself and stop believing that she is the best thing God created. She believes she is way better than Becky but the rest of the world disagrees with her.

Truth is that she should stop her self deceit. The first thing the Nigerian women needs to know is that most men today do not want a stay at home wife. I did not say all, but I will say at least 75% of Nigerian men do not want a stay at home wife. This basically means get a job and be relevant to your society. More men want women who are intellectually presentable. I am not talking about women who understand quantum physics, but women who can at least solve basic problems in the house on their own without waiting for the man for everything. And women who can discuss something more than African Magic and Telemundo.

Most Nigerian men seek self advancement even after marriage, but you see our women pad-locking their brains once they are married and start giving birth. Nigerian men can hand over control to a white woman or a Nigerian woman that shows ability to handle that control. But if you don't even know anything about anything, what do you want to control.

tearoses:


Ive always said it
Its like washing your hands
You have to rub both together to get it clean
Both have to do things together

There are also thousands of other things in-between domestics and finance
Who calls the electrician or the gen repairer?
Is that domestic or finance?
Who fixes the car and deals with the mechanic? Is that under domestic or finance
We cant split everything into 2 and thats why everyone needs to chip in and work together
And yes a man should be domestically Okay too
Thats why I was horrified at the filthy cooker that someone posted on one of the threads.

Mindfulness:


Poverty should drive people instead of stopping them. Religion is definitely a problem or shall I rather say what people make out of it.

Thanks for the answers. I won't dig deeper into it as we would derail too much and simple answers wouldn't do this topic proper justice.

EfemenaXY:


A paid maid / house help could have done all of that. Try harder.

What did he need a wife for?

And his crumbling business was her fault? Meaning a spouse's business goes bust, the next thing to do is blame the other half and go look for comfort outside?

Re the bolded: you're missing the point. Does this new woman of his have kids and if so, does she have the same number of kids as he? And are they of the same age? If not, why not?

bukatyne:


You are not objective if you do not notice the hate towards Nigerian women on this forum.