bukatyne:


What are the foreign wives doing right?

Mindfulness:


I see you as one of the most admirable women I have ever met and I consider you sharper than a Samurai sword.
I read this piece of advice you gave someone here https://www.nairaland.com/2789389/dear-family-advice-urgently-needed/1#40962119 and I couldn't find the right words to pay you a compliment that could accurately express how beautiful you are.

EfemenaXY:


Why, Mindfulness - you flatter me.

Now, I'm at a loss for words too. Thank you for the compliments (still blushing) - was only doing my bit to help a sister out.

bukatyne:


@Bold;

I thought that was the standard behavior going through posts on NL.



@Bold,

Where do you think Nigerian women are missing it?

And do you think this really resonates with the society? Look for example at the advices given to women in troubled marriages. What is the solution?

Modified:

What does the OP even mean by 'treating better?

Sagamite:


I don't think it has anything to do with Caucasian women getting anything right.

I think it just has to do with the Nigerian men knowing that that is not the expectations/traditions of the non-Nigerian women and adapting to these and not having typical expectations themselves that they would have with a Nigerian woman.

That said, considering the antecedent of Nigerian women and the experiences of these guys with them, I suspect many Nigerian men would think a Nigerian woman would abuse the privilege of reception of similar behaviours given to non-Nigerian women. We already see how they feel they need to drag a man on the floor for wooing them, abuse of power you will hardly ever see with white women.

Personally, despite being a strong advocate of encouraging Nigerian men to date non-Nigerian women, I can confidently say I NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER treat non-Nigerian women I date differently from Nigerian women I date.

I treat them all the same as I am not one of those people that do senseless culture, traditions or whatever.

I do things like I personally feel and which I find sensible. I understand what I want and like and don't need the approval of society (who are mainly fcktards) to validate what I want.

Whether you are white or black, I will never be caught dead having a schedule or roster of sharing housework.

Not in this life or the next!

I prefer a woman to do it but it is not by force, if you don't want to, then leave it. I wouldn't disturb you.

I do my housework ad hoc-ly, when I am in the mood. My house is never that of a neat freak and I am happy with it.

I let any woman I date have her own rights to do whatever she wants to do. I only play an advisory role, if she does not want to listen, that is her business. It is her life.

I am not romantic! I will never be romantic. That is not my calling in this life or the next. You will never see me buying roses or putting up red candles.

Any girl, black or white, that does not like it is free to find a man that is romantic.

Also, I would never marry a girl, black or white, who family (including extended) does not matter to. She must see family, as far as second cousins, as important.

Shymm3x:

i). How come Nigerian men tend to be happier in relationships with other black women compared to Nigerian women?
ii). Why are Nigerian men always eager to date/marry black women of other nationalities, in lieu of Nigerian women – whereas black men of other nationalities seldom date/marry Nigerian women?

daretodiffer:





You do not treat second generation Africans the same way you treat westerners. You treat them like you would treat your average African woman. And call them names because they don't behave African enough. Don't you think you are being unfair to them?

ronald4lif:


I admitted that I feel rued in my opening remark and I do think it's unfair. You may want to refer to my initial comment for confirmation.

Be that as it may, I think I'm a slave to my African acculturation and some environmental factors influences such behaviour. I also want to point out that in light of this eye popping and inspiring article I may change even though it's a onerous task I must say.

But una too dey stubborn so make una change too o mbok.

Sh0llypopz:
@Vivalavida99, self-hate also plays a part. BTW, I don't think the number of Nigerian men married to white women is noteworthy. A lot of Nigerian men in diaspora still keep it African because they know only African women will tolerate their rubbish.


[b]Tag:Enlightenedsoul

raumdeuter:
I would love to hear from Nigerian women who are dating foreigners

I used to know one girl on NL who had a white BF.

She said while they were dating she was the one working and the guy was just chilling at home and they split her income which she didnt like from the beginning

Where the relationship went South was when her younger sister finished school and came to live with her, The white BF was pissed that her younger sister was taking up their space and money

She said after that experience she can never date a non Nigerian again because there are some thing and benefits you get away with a Nigerian that you don't with a white guy

Sh0llypopz:


Again you have managed to shift the blame to black women. It's strange, how black men who claim to be leaders blame black women for everything going wrong in their community. It's so fvcking weird that a supposed leader/head doesn't understand that black women have it worse because not only do we have to deal with racism, we also have to deal with sexism.

I am not saying black women cant suffer from self hate but every time there is a thread highlighting the self-hate of a black man, you all somehow make it the black woman's fault. Who are you leading? What leader doesn't take responsibility for the failings of his community and his inability to protect his women.

As far as the bleach comment is concerned, black men play a huge role in that and you know it. Black men consider dating Beckys a "come-up." How many Yoruba songs are there about "Omo pupa", how many American songs are there about 'Red boned' chics? Look at hip-hop, look at the skin of the women that are glorified?
Nigerian artists especially, think they have made it when they start having white women and bi-racials in their videos.

I don't expect an honest reply when it comes to black men issues because you all are the kings of deflecting.

I can't even answer your questions because there are not stat to prove either claims. I would be glad if you could provide me a link to where the ridiculous assertions originate from.

**************************
How can someone be a Nerfititi-wannabe? What does it even mean to be Nerfititi? Anyway, happy holidays to you too!

Thanks, I would totally check out the link. You all are really serious about this huh? I might even invite you to join my campaign when I run for office in Ekiti state.

EfemenaXY:

Even for you, this analogy is one-sided.

The mere fact that they were married for 30 years should in itself portray something about that union. Where marriage is concerned, there is no one size fits all. You don't know whether it was the man's idea or a joint decision that the wife should be at home to look after the kids while he goes out to get the bacon.

There is nothing unusual about that sort of arrangement - an arrangement which has worked well for many couples. Do not underestimate the contribution of a stay-at-home mum or parent. Not everyone is built or even wants to be a high-flying career go-getter. Many couples choose this option because they want well-balanced kids. Kids who'll come home from school to a clean house, hot meals, etc. Or for the younger ones, having a parent waiting for them at the school gates after school to take them home, as opposed to a nanny / househelp. No woman or parent should be berated for making their kids priority over everything else / work.

EfemenaXY:

Human beings will always want more and will always want to experience the "other" aspect of life which is different to what they currently have / live. And that's no different to what happened in this example you've given. Now let's be realistic. Death / ill-health is no respector of gender. Just as you say anything could have happened to the man, anything could likewise have happened to his wife too. She too could have met her demise early on in life or struck down by ill health. Secondly, prior to the man's business crumbling (due to the economic crises you mention), would he have attained that height without the woman's input - or better still, are you saying the woman looking after the homefront had no contribution to his success?

raumdeuter:
I would love to hear from Nigerian women who are dating foreigners

I used to know one girl on NL who had a white BF.

She said while they were dating she was the one working and the guy was just chilling at home and they split her income which she didnt like from the beginning

Where the relationship went South was when her younger sister finished school and came to live with her, The white BF was pissed that her younger sister was taking up their space and money

She said after that experience she can never date a non Nigerian again because there are some thing and benefits you get away with a Nigerian that you don't with a white guy

Vivalavida99:
Saw this on a friends wall and i feel i should share.


Increasingly, and in greater numbers, Nigerian men are marrying non-Nigerian women. In droves, they are marrying Caribbean nationals,

White-Americans and African-Americans. They are marrying, not for the primarily purpose of acquiring “greencard,” but for other noble
reasons. They marry, not for the curiosity, but because they are bonded and are determined to make a success of the marriage institution;
they are bonded by love and faith and a commitment to one another to live their lives as one in a happy matrimony.

The more I notice this phenomenon, the more I wonder about some Nigerian men. I wonder. Culturally, Nigerian men are overbearing,
controlling, and paternalistic. They relate to their fathers and mothers differently. They believe it is “a man’s world” and so they have the tendency to relegate women to subservient roles.

True, things are changing. True globalization and modernity and westernization are impacting the Nigerian culture. In cities across Nigeria, these changes are noticeable; but over all, the effects of these changes are minimal.

A Nigerian may be well read, well educated and well traveled, in the end though, he will succumb to the weight and influence of the Nigerian culture.

We have a society where anthropological and sociological behaviors are still paramount. For instance, a great many Nigerians still practice
levirate and sororate marriage, and they also engage in polygyny, bridewealth, and matrilocal and patrilocal living arrangements. And in spite of westernization, Nigerians are still not comfortable with public display of affection, i.e. kissing and verbal declaration of love; and neither are they comfortable with open and public discussions of abortion, sex and exotic sex acts.

That Nigerians are not comfortable with such public declarations and have not completely embraced westernization is due, to a large extent, on the hold the traditional African culture has on the vast majority of the populace. At the core of every Nigerian, and indeed every African, is the thumbprint, the umbilical cord of their ancestors.

This non-public declaration and display of love and affection is not unique to Nigerians living in Nigeria. No! The vast majority of Nigerians
living in the United States are loath to engage in such practices, too. Furthermore, most Nigerians do not engage in endearing practices like candlelight dinners, flower giving, romantic walk by the lake or park, or even running the bath for their wives or lovers.

It would surprise most westerners to know that a typical Nigerian father or mother would rarely, if ever, utter affectionate or confidence-building words like “I love you…” to their children; yet, the children have no doubt that their parents love them. Children are the crowing glory of any respectable Nigerian family.

Haven digressed a bit, I return to the issue of Nigerian men and their foreign wives. I am stunned, perplexed, taken aback by the
transformation Nigerian men, married to non-Nigerian women, have gone through in the United States (and perhaps all over the Western world). My goodness, here are a group of macho men, fiercely independent, with a burgeoning sense of entitlement who thinks the world belongs to them; and that women are made to be at their beck-and-call. Here they are; they have suddenly or gradually gone soft and sensitive and romantic and wide-eyed. How did these groups of men become “oh baby, oh baby” kind of guys? How did they become “yes honey, yes sweetheart, yes darling” kind of fellas? What has happened to them? What got to their hearts and soul?

How were they able to adjust to living under a different set of rules and matrimonial conventions? How is it that a breed of men married to

their fellow countrywomen would behave in a given and predictable manner; but then adjust to a different matrimonial lifestyle when married to foreigners? When they are with the Nigerian women, these men are all about control and power and they expect their wives to cook and clean and raise babies and provide sex on demand; but with the foreign wives, their balls shrink! Such men live by schedule.

They have daily and weekly schedule of when to do the laundry and the dishes; of whose turn it is to empty the thrash; and of whose turn it is to sweep and mop the floor; and of when to eat out and cook at home.

These men — especially if married to White women — feel lucky and grateful and mightily blessed. These men meet and exceed all
matrimonial expectations; but would rubbish and dominate their Nigerian women. What is it about a White woman that makes the Nigerian
male lose his senses? Could it be because of their skin color and their supposed sensuality and submissive attitude in bed? Could it be because they engage in all kinds of mind-altering sexual acts that, understandably, the Nigerian woman would NOT engage in?

Or perhaps it has to do with the warped mentality of some Nigerian men who thinks everything white is good and desirable and so must be had!

Why are Nigerian men afraid to turn control over to their Nigerian wives? Why are they averse to showing their sensitive side? Why the need to control and dominate? Why are Nigerian men reluctant to take their wives on a romantic walk to the parks and beaches, buy roses and cards? Why the need to bottle up their romantic side? Why have they refused to do for their Nigerian wives what they would heartily do for non-Nigerian women? After all, Nigerian women, unlike their foreign counterparts usually do not demand to be co-captains of the house.

They usually do not demand for more than is earthly possible. And way more than their foreign counterparts they understand what it means to be a wife and a partner; they understand what it means to be part of the extended family.

When it comes to matters of life, love and death, Nigerian women have stood by their husbands. They are there during the passing of their in-laws; they give succor in times of crisis. These women understand what the African family is all about.

But not much can be said about non-Nigerian wives who may not even find it necessary to visit or attend marriage or burial ceremonies in their husbands’ ancestral homes.

For non-Nigerian wives, life begins and ends in American. For these women, marriage is not about marrying into another family; it is about
“us and us alone.” And in fact, they would rather you not bother them with stories about your extended families and the need for the monthly or quarterly remittances.

Yes, some of us can’t help with whom we fall in love; but to the extent that one can, I would rather a Nigerian. A Nigerian woman is not likely to throw you out of your home; she is not likely to call the cops on you based on flimsy reasons; she is not likely to drag you through the judicial system; she is not likely to throw the divorce papers at you at the slightest provocation; she is not likely to turn her backs at you in times of financial difficulties and other crises.

In order words: Nigerian women are likely to stay and be loving and generous and supportive for the long haul! Again and again and again, they have proven that of all God’s creations, they are the very best.

And indeed, they are!

babygirlfl:
The article was massively generalised. I believe a large number of African men would treat a foreign wife better than they would treat an African wife. However, there are African men who treat their African wives well and like a queen. The African man and African wife both share a fault in the difference in the way the African woman is treated.

The African wife: A good number of African women go into married with the mind of being treated badly. They don't even know they are not being treated right. You will be amazed at the number of women that expect to be cheated on because they believe all men cheat. You will be amazed at the number of women who go into marriage expecting to endure because they confuse tolerance for endurance. Also a large number of african women expect to accept rubbish because that is the only way a marriage can last. The African woman prefers to be suffering in a marriage than to be happily divorced. Then the believe that the woman is responsible for keeping the home.


The African man
The African man knows this and being the human that he is, will treat the African woman as he wishes because he knows that she expected to endure, take his rubbish and is going nowhere. There is simply no reason to treat her well because she is going to take whatever you dish and stay put.
Another thing is some men simply suffer from inferiority complex and think he has won a jackpot marrying a white woman. However, I do acknowledge that they are African men that simply fell in love with a white woman.

While I always advocate that women are independent, I do not believe that African men treats the African women worse off because she is dependent on him. I have seen and in more than one occasion an African man leaving his single working African woman to go for a white woman with three kids and on benefit. Some white women who were even career women stay at home to look after their kids for a long time before going back to work and the African husbands still treat them right.

In all these, I give the biggest blame to our African women. If you are satisfied with Keke napep, why should I kill myself giving you a Range Rover. People treat you the way you permit them to. Our women need to ask to be treated well to get treated well.

Sh0llypopz:
@Vivalavida99, self-hate also plays a part. BTW, I don't think the number of Nigerian men married to white women is noteworthy. A lot of Nigerian men in diaspora still keep it African because they know only African women will tolerate their rubbish.

Tag: TV01, Enlightenedsoul, subomi1, shymm3x

TV01:

Merry x-mas everyone...I'm almost lost for words here...utterly dire. Totally shoddy premise and asinine conclusions, some pretty crap posts in response as well .
I think Mindful got it exactly right in the first sentence of her first post; https://www.nairaland.com/2817873/nigerian-men-foreign-wives-must#41260069.
So. Nigerian men marry foreigners in droves; true to a degree ! I hear estimates of up to 50% of black men in the UK are actually with non-black women, let alone black women from different "tribes/nations". I'm sure there are some Nigerians amongst that number.
It then disses Nigerian men as controlling and paternalistic - even the well-read and well-travelled, Nigerian male. Whose nature is seemingly so strongly embedded, he cannot but help his antediluvuian self?
And the beef? Nigerian men somehow treat these foreign women they marry way better than the Nigerian wives they forwent. Really? But this will all change once Nigerian women realise their true worth?
Surely if Nigerian men are as bad as portrayed, no women would want them Even the self-worth lacking Nigerian women - once they realise their full worth of course .
Nothing about the nuance of todays Nigerian male. In Nigeria sef, let alone the wide variety outside of it? it. Nothing about different cultural settings, expectations, legal frameworks, or the range if individual circumstances. And to conclude self hate or low esteem play a large part in this?
Not just cobblers, real headache inducing codswallop. This trope is so stale, about half a century old. It's not the Nigerian male that is outdated.
Make I go stuff ma turkey jor...
TV

Stillfire:


TV merry christmassssssssssssss!

queenzena23:
It isn't all that rosy about the Nigerian men i know, i happened to know (4)four single guys looking for a good woman, friends of the family or my BF friends. They are all presentable and appear to be great guys, but there's something about all of them. Mr. A falls in love with every woman, but finds fault and dumps them within 6 weeks. He's been married 3 times at age 42, Eight girl friends last year. Most thought they found true love. Mr. B dresses richly, but lives with his ex-wife because he's so broke. She just feels sorry for him. His recently deceased lady love bought him all his clothes. Mr. C is basically looking for a nurse because he's afraid of getting old alone. Mr. D talks a good talk, but can't back up his given biography or promises. They all seem like great catches at first, but none of them have anything to offer. And Mr. E, compares every woman to his sainted late wife.

queenzena23:
It isn't all that rosy about the Nigerian men i know, i happened to know (4)four single guys looking for a good woman, friends of the family or my BF friends. They are all presentable and appear to be great guys, but there's something about all of them. Mr. A falls in love with every woman, but finds fault and dumps them within 6 weeks. He's been married 3 times at age 42, Eight girl friends last year. Most thought they found true love. Mr. B dresses richly, but lives with his ex-wife because he's so broke. She just feels sorry for him. His recently deceased lady love bought him all his clothes. Mr. C is basically looking for a nurse because he's afraid of getting old alone. Mr. D talks a good talk, but can't back up his given biography or promises. They all seem like great catches at first, but none of them have anything to offer. And Mr. E, compares every woman to his sainted late wife.

EfemenaXY:


Lol @ the bolded.

You do have some hardline stance - but at least you're open and upfront about it. Yep - it's all about choices at the end of the day.

Sagamite:


I know myself, I know my stance, I know what makes me happy and I know what is sensible.

I will not be caught dead in the delivery room with any wife. I would stay outside until delivery is complete. What is with all this modern hollywood rubbish that a man must be inside {says sarcastically and mockingly} "to support his wife through the delivery"?

"Fck that, nigga. ........Fck that!"

Call your mother, sister or best friend to be in the delivery room with you.

Another silly expectations is when women expect and want you to remember the day you met or started dating.

"Biatch, I don't even remember the date I was born. How the fck will I remember the date we started dating and how the fck does that matter?"

I NEVER remember it. At best, I would remember the 6 month range it falls within. After about 5 years, that would turn into a 1 year range.

Any woman that needs a man that is like that needs to look at another man, not me.

Mo o wa romantic rara o! (I am not romantic at all!)

Most things people find romantic that men do, I just find silly.

tearoses:


Look at this bush man from Shagamu
You mean you don't know your floribunda roses from your tea roses?
You don't know anything yet
I am sure you will soon be standing in a 3 hour queue outside Pandora
its just a matter of time
When Mrs Shagamus love bug bites you

Vivalavida99:
Saw this on a friends wall and i feel i should share.


Increasingly, and in greater numbers, Nigerian men are marrying non-Nigerian women. In droves, they are marrying Caribbean nationals,

White-Americans and African-Americans. They are marrying, not for the primarily purpose of acquiring “greencard,” but for other noble
reasons. They marry, not for the curiosity, but because they are bonded and are determined to make a success of the marriage institution;
they are bonded by love and faith and a commitment to one another to live their lives as one in a happy matrimony.

The more I notice this phenomenon, the more I wonder about some Nigerian men. I wonder. Culturally, Nigerian men are overbearing,
controlling, and paternalistic. They relate to their fathers and mothers differently. They believe it is “a man’s world” and so they have the tendency to relegate women to subservient roles.

True, things are changing. True globalization and modernity and westernization are impacting the Nigerian culture. In cities across Nigeria, these changes are noticeable; but over all, the effects of these changes are minimal.

A Nigerian may be well read, well educated and well traveled, in the end though, he will succumb to the weight and influence of the Nigerian culture.

We have a society where anthropological and sociological behaviors are still paramount. For instance, a great many Nigerians still practice
levirate and sororate marriage, and they also engage in polygyny, bridewealth, and matrilocal and patrilocal living arrangements. And in spite of westernization, Nigerians are still not comfortable with public display of affection, i.e. kissing and verbal declaration of love; and neither are they comfortable with open and public discussions of abortion, sex and exotic sex acts.

That Nigerians are not comfortable with such public declarations and have not completely embraced westernization is due, to a large extent, on the hold the traditional African culture has on the vast majority of the populace. At the core of every Nigerian, and indeed every African, is the thumbprint, the umbilical cord of their ancestors.

This non-public declaration and display of love and affection is not unique to Nigerians living in Nigeria. No! The vast majority of Nigerians
living in the United States are loath to engage in such practices, too. Furthermore, most Nigerians do not engage in endearing practices like candlelight dinners, flower giving, romantic walk by the lake or park, or even running the bath for their wives or lovers.

It would surprise most westerners to know that a typical Nigerian father or mother would rarely, if ever, utter affectionate or confidence-building words like “I love you…” to their children; yet, the children have no doubt that their parents love them. Children are the crowing glory of any respectable Nigerian family.

Haven digressed a bit, I return to the issue of Nigerian men and their foreign wives. I am stunned, perplexed, taken aback by the
transformation Nigerian men, married to non-Nigerian women, have gone through in the United States (and perhaps all over the Western world). My goodness, here are a group of macho men, fiercely independent, with a burgeoning sense of entitlement who thinks the world belongs to them; and that women are made to be at their beck-and-call. Here they are; they have suddenly or gradually gone soft and sensitive and romantic and wide-eyed. How did these groups of men become “oh baby, oh baby” kind of guys? How did they become “yes honey, yes sweetheart, yes darling” kind of fellas? What has happened to them? What got to their hearts and soul?

How were they able to adjust to living under a different set of rules and matrimonial conventions? How is it that a breed of men married to

their fellow countrywomen would behave in a given and predictable manner; but then adjust to a different matrimonial lifestyle when married to foreigners? When they are with the Nigerian women, these men are all about control and power and they expect their wives to cook and clean and raise babies and provide sex on demand; but with the foreign wives, their balls shrink! Such men live by schedule.

They have daily and weekly schedule of when to do the laundry and the dishes; of whose turn it is to empty the thrash; and of whose turn it is to sweep and mop the floor; and of when to eat out and cook at home.

These men — especially if married to White women — feel lucky and grateful and mightily blessed. These men meet and exceed all
matrimonial expectations; but would rubbish and dominate their Nigerian women. What is it about a White woman that makes the Nigerian
male lose his senses? Could it be because of their skin color and their supposed sensuality and submissive attitude in bed? Could it be because they engage in all kinds of mind-altering sexual acts that, understandably, the Nigerian woman would NOT engage in?

Or perhaps it has to do with the warped mentality of some Nigerian men who thinks everything white is good and desirable and so must be had!

Why are Nigerian men afraid to turn control over to their Nigerian wives? Why are they averse to showing their sensitive side? Why the need to control and dominate? Why are Nigerian men reluctant to take their wives on a romantic walk to the parks and beaches, buy roses and cards? Why the need to bottle up their romantic side? Why have they refused to do for their Nigerian wives what they would heartily do for non-Nigerian women? After all, Nigerian women, unlike their foreign counterparts usually do not demand to be co-captains of the house.

They usually do not demand for more than is earthly possible. And way more than their foreign counterparts they understand what it means to be a wife and a partner; they understand what it means to be part of the extended family.

When it comes to matters of life, love and death, Nigerian women have stood by their husbands. They are there during the passing of their in-laws; they give succor in times of crisis. These women understand what the African family is all about.

But not much can be said about non-Nigerian wives who may not even find it necessary to visit or attend marriage or burial ceremonies in their husbands’ ancestral homes.

For non-Nigerian wives, life begins and ends in American. For these women, marriage is not about marrying into another family; it is about
“us and us alone.” And in fact, they would rather you not bother them with stories about your extended families and the need for the monthly or quarterly remittances.

Yes, some of us can’t help with whom we fall in love; but to the extent that one can, I would rather a Nigerian. A Nigerian woman is not likely to throw you out of your home; she is not likely to call the cops on you based on flimsy reasons; she is not likely to drag you through the judicial system; she is not likely to throw the divorce papers at you at the slightest provocation; she is not likely to turn her backs at you in times of financial difficulties and other crises.

In order words: Nigerian women are likely to stay and be loving and generous and supportive for the long haul! Again and again and again, they have proven that of all God’s creations, they are the very best.

And indeed, they are!

Sagamite:


When I want to buy Mrs Shagamus flowers, I would buy her Ewedu or Efo versions.

At least, those are flowers she can use in the Kitchen and we can eat. Not waste of my money.

Some yeye people would even be reading this, laughing at me and saying those are leaves, not flowers.

Na una know. Same noni to me.