HaneefahRN:

Lolz, I guess too much nollywood films influenced ur comment although u're right in some ways.
I'm from a polygamous home and sincerely I dnt wish it for my worst enemy. But I think the success of the polygamous home depends largely on how the man manages his home and the mindset of the wives. Most women coming as second wife come wt the mindset to destroy the home and the relationship the man has wt the 1st wife- If the 1st wife is also troublesome then more trouble in the home and when the man decides to take a third, the 2nd wife most times puts up most fight forgetting she did it to another woman.
The basis for polygamy in Islam was mostly out of compassion for women nt for sexual gratification of men (going by the historical backing), even the quranic verses tht permit it has an hidden template to it, wc only wise men who aren't blinded by their personal whims will get. Islam only permits polygamy, it doesn't encourage it. Men are allowed to marry up to four wives on the condition tht they do justice btw all otherwise marry just one wc is the best for u. Then the Quran goes on to say 'and u cannot do justice among them even if u wish to'.(wht is this saying?) .
Sure u can't love them equally but u av to do justice in every other aspect. How many men in polygamy are doing justice in their homes? They think they are enjoying themselves (nt sure wht the enjoyment is sef, sleeping wt different women or what?) not knowing they are incurring more sufferings for themselves cos it's no joke doing justice among women and at the same time they'll account for it, and wld be punished for it (if they fall short) if nt in this life but surely in the hereafter for not taking on the command ascribed to polygamy wc is JUSTICE.
A wise man blessed wt a loving and wonderful wife wld steer clear of polygamy if he knew what is best for him and not blinded by his personal whims, the enjoyment he is seeking is temporary compared wt the loads of account and punishments (if he falls short), he'll face from his Lord.

Hello my good sister,
I started this thread as a follow up to a previous one seeking advice on how to design a house for 2 wives, the link is here https://www.nairaland.com/2813888/architectural-design-house-two-wives .Most people's understanding is that polygamy is evil and it only benefit the man whose intend is to satisfy his sexual urge. As someone who came from a polygamous home, you should be in the best position to advice.

My question here is 'Why do we marry?' Are we not suppose to consider how marriage influence the society, its social-economic impact, its effect on population growth? It is only when marriage is taken as a personal affair that the negative aspect of polygamy is seen while the benefits are given away.

What is the Islamic ruling on adultery? why does adultery attracts a capital punishment? why does it take 4 witnesses to testify (seeing the act and not speculating) when the accused wouldn't have used a stadium?
The Islamic injunctions are always preventive so as to protect the society. Individual would face his Lord to account for his deeds but the society has to be protected so that weak one are not lured into sins because of what goes around them.
If we want to protect the society by banning fornication and adultery, by encouraging (early) marriage, by banning prostitutes and prostitution, by assisting widows and divorces, we may not practice polygamy but should not condemn it.

I agree with you that men abuse the institution of polygamy (as terrorists abuse the use of hijab), should we discourage it because of some individuals?
No woman would want to share her husband with anyone but when the reality of sharing comes (especially when widowed, divorced) their opinions always change.

Allah knows best.

HaneefahRN:

Lolz, I guess too much nollywood films influenced ur comment although u're right in some ways.
I'm from a polygamous home and sincerely I dnt wish it for my worst enemy. But I think the success of the polygamous home depends largely on how the man manages his home and the mindset of the wives. Most women coming as second wife come wt the mindset to destroy the home and the relationship the man has wt the 1st wife- If the 1st wife is also troublesome then more trouble in the home and when the man decides to take a third, the 2nd wife most times puts up most fight forgetting she did it to another woman.
The basis for polygamy in Islam was mostly out of compassion for women nt for sexual gratification of men (going by the historical backing), even the quranic verses tht permit it has an hidden template to it, wc only wise men who aren't blinded by their personal whims will get. Islam only permits polygamy, it doesn't encourage it. Men are allowed to marry up to four wives on the condition tht they do justice btw all otherwise marry just one wc is the best for u. Then the Quran goes on to say 'and u cannot do justice among them even if u wish to'.(wht is this saying?) .
Sure u can't love them equally but u av to do justice in every other aspect. How many men in polygamy are doing justice in their homes? They think they are enjoying themselves (nt sure wht the enjoyment is sef, sleeping wt different women or what?) not knowing they are incurring more sufferings for themselves cos it's no joke doing justice among women and at the same time they'll account for it, and wld be punished for it (if they fall short) if nt in this life but surely in the hereafter for not taking on the command ascribed to polygamy wc is JUSTICE.
A wise man blessed wt a loving and wonderful wife wld steer clear of polygamy if he knew what is best for him and not blinded by his personal whims, the enjoyment he is seeking is temporary compared wt the loads of account and punishments (if he falls short), he'll face from his Lord.

A man that wants to marry a second wife must be ready to

-carry all financial burdens. I ain't spending a penny out of money for anyone
-and fufill all sexual needs. All sexual encounters must be satisfactorily. If he can't discharge that duty, you are free to call the whole world on his head. I am waiting for man who can do that. Ni be me send am



Where have you been?

mostyg:


Hello my good sister,
I started this thread as a follow up to a previous one seeking advice on how to design a house for 2 wives, the link is here https://www.nairaland.com/2813888/architectural-design-house-two-wives .Most people's understanding is that polygamy is evil and it only benefit the man whose intend is to satisfy his sexual urge. As someone who came from a polygamous home, you should be in the best position to advice.

My question here is 'Why do we marry?' Are we not suppose to consider how marriage influence the society, its social-economic impact, its effect on population growth? It is only when marriage is taken as a personal affair that the negative aspect of polygamy is seen while the benefits are given away.

What is the Islamic ruling on adultery? why does adultery attracts a capital punishment? why does it take 4 witnesses to testify (seeing the act and not speculating) when the accused wouldn't have used a stadium?
The Islamic injunctions are always preventive so as to protect the society. Individual would face his Lord to account for his deeds but the society has to be protected so that weak one are not lured into sins because of what goes around them.
If we want to protect the society by banning fornication and adultery, by encouraging (early) marriage, by banning prostitutes and prostitution, by assisting widows and divorces, we may not practice polygamy but should not condemn it.

I agree with you that men abuse the institution of polygamy (as terrorists abuse the use of hijab), should we discourage it because of some individuals?
No woman would want to share her husband with anyone but when the reality of sharing comes (especially when widowed, divorced) their opinions always change.

Allah knows best.

Hi. I grab ur points. The way polygamy is practiced by the pple who do influences hw pple view it. I'm from a polygamous home bt I can't say I enjoy it in any form bt I'av seen few homes where polygamy is practiced and there is still relative peace and happiness enof to sustain everybody. Note the 'few'.
We all marry for different reasons, ranging from:
- Seeking companionship, support and having someone to spend one's life wt
- legal sex and procreation
- Religious reasons
- the society encourages it
etc.
Yh, the influence of marriage on the Society has to be considered. There are basic conditions a man must clear b4 being permitted to practice polygamy. Most esp the financial capacity, psychological capability and also sexual. A man tht can barely fend for just a wife and her children shld''t even dream of going into polygamy, the man wld just keep up breeding children he can't cater for, cos the new wives wld most likely want to compete as regards child-bearing.
- psychological capability and maturity, some men can't even manage a monogamous home effectively, how will he cope wt polygamy? He will only end up compounding his problems and building a chaotic home.
- Sexuality also, a man tht can barely satisfy just one woman, it cld be due to physical incapabilties or lack of time, how wld such satisfy two or more women?
Of course, no one wld want to share a life partner, if the roles were reversed wld u be happy sharing ur wife wt any man? Women in polygamy (referring mainly to the 1st wives since the other women knew wht they were getting themselves into) are really trying, can u imagine having to share ur wife wt another man and still have to be nice and loving to the wife and also the man u're sharing her wt?
I'm personally not against polygamy (it's a lesser evil compared to adultery), although I don't buy the excuse of it being a preventive measure against adultery, an adulterous man wld commit adultery even wt 100 wives, most men even commit adultery b4 bringing the 2nd wife in, probably even after she is pregnant already. A man can do wtout adultery and polygamy wtout dying, it depends on the mindset and level of self control.
I'll try my best to make and build a good home wt my husband (in sha Allah) but, If a man decides to marry other wives, wetin concern me, it is his headache, as long as his responsibilities to me isn't affected and I av my children to face and nurture. He can marry 100, he is the one to bear the strains, giving oneself unnecessary headache over tht is a waste of time and energy. Just do good and look the other way when u're being repaid wt otherwise

daretodiffer:


A man that wants to marry a second wife must be ready to

-carry all financial burdens. I ain't spending a penny out of money for anyone
-and fufill all sexual needs. All sexual encounters must be satisfactorily. If he can't discharge that duty, you are free to call the whole world on his head. I am waiting for man who can do that. Ni be me send am



Where have you been?

Abi o, my sister. And some men who can barely fend for themselves sef will join say (merin lolohun wi), wc is a lie anyway cos their is more to those verses than tht, but they chose to pick wht suits them.

I'av been around o, I guess I was banned or something, I just logged in oneday and saw I cldn't make comments, don't knw what tht was. I'av been quite busy too, went for a camp and didn't even av time for phone. Hope u're good?

HaneefahRN:

Abi o, my sister. And some men who can barely fend for themselves sef will join say (merin lolohun wi), wc is a lie anyway cos their is more to those verses than tht, but they chose to pick wht suits them.

I'av been around o, I guess I was banned or something, I just logged in oneday and saw I cldn't make comments, don't knw what tht was. I'av been quite busy too, went for a camp and didn't even av time for phone. Hope u're good?

I have been good.

IVC camp? How was it?

People marry for God and for the society

daretodiffer:


I have been good.

IVC camp? How was it?

Good to hear. I can see hw u've been giving it to erring fellows.
Not IVC itself, but also a dawah camp like IVC. Alhamdulillah, it made sense, highly educating and I made new friends,helped out wt the health committee, all in all, it was good.
What av u been up to?

Marriage should be for companionship. People who cheat or marry more than one wife are people who made wrong choices or who solely want a lot of children. Marriage should be between one man and one woman because jealousy of intimate love is embedded in the human genome. The world has also got to the level we should not see child bearing as the primary purpose of marriage.

daretodiffer:


A man that wants to marry a second wife must be ready to

-carry all financial burdens. I ain't spending a penny out of money for anyone
-and fufill all sexual needs. All sexual encounters must be satisfactorily. If he can't discharge that duty, you are free to call the whole world on his head. I am waiting for man who can do that. Ni be me send am



Where have you been?

All you have stated above are non-negotiable. This your emphasis on sexual satisfaction shaaa

mostyg:


All you have stated above are non-negotiable. This your emphasis on sexual satisfaction shaaa

I know that it is almost impossible to fulfil without stressing himself.

I know that by the time I am through with research on wife's rights in Islam, it is only God that would help him out.


If I decided to overlook some things because I don't want him stressed but instead of him to improve himself, he decided to share the already limited resources. He is basically telling me that he can do all because he is a man. And he must definitely do all


What's my own?

Omo wa ise, o ri ise

daretodiffer:


I know that it is almost impossible to fulfil without stressing himself.

I know that by the time I am through with research on wife's rights in Islam, it is only God that would help him out.


If I decided to overlook some things because I don't want him stressed but instead of him to improve himself, he decided to share the already limited resources. He is basically telling me that he can do all because he is a man. And he must definitely do all


What's my own?

Omo wa ise, o ri ise

I do not want to speculate on your marital status. When you talk of sexual satisfaction, I know men can be found wanting. Some can't even satisfy one woman. On the other hand, I have seen women who had to beg their husband to take a second wife when they found their demand too much to fulfill. Whats your take on that?

Even if you are so active now, what will happen in 30 years time if hubby is still very active?.

You mentioned that you attended a camp last December, which of the camps was that if I may ask?

..for companionship
..to bear children.

mostyg:


I do not want to speculate on your marital status. When you talk of sexual satisfaction, I know men can be found wanting. Some can't even satisfy one woman. On the other hand, I have seen women who had to beg their husband to take a second wife when they found their demand too much to fulfill. Whats your take on that?

Even if you are so active now, what will happen in 30 years time if hubby is still very active?.

You mentioned that you attended a camp last December, which of the camps was that if I may ask?

I am single.

I know it is hard satisfy women sexually. Women who beg their husbands to get a second wife might still have trouble getting sexually satisfied. It is more complicated than that.

The number of times you are willing to have sex does not determine how good you are or enjoyable you find the act. This fact been proven over and over again. Therefore it is wrong to assume that a nymph have sex frequently because he/she finds the act enjoyable.

I don't really have a problem with polygamy. It has its own advantages however I don't see why most men bother. They claim Islam yet most of them would rather go for a youth instead of a divorcee or a widow. There is no way on earth, a man is going to justify that to me. It is just selfishness.


Women also have sex till their very late periods although not as much as men. Personally, I think it could be primarily due to social and economic reasons. I don't think older men can claim to have the sex vibrant energy or to be easily aroused like the way it used to be. Therefore I strongly believe that most older men who claim such nonsense are merely trying to feel powerful and attached.


I wasn't the one that mentioned a camp. However I used to do IVC.

daretodiffer:


I am single.

I know it is hard satisfy women sexually. Women who beg their husbands to get a second wife might still have trouble getting sexually satisfied. It is more complicated than that.

The number of times you are willing to have sex does not determine how good you are or enjoyable you find the act. This fact been proven over and over again. Therefore it is wrong to assume that a nymph have sex frequently because he/she finds the act enjoyable.

I don't really have a problem with polygamy. It has its own advantages however I don't see why most men bother. They claim Islam yet most of them would rather go for a youth instead of a divorcee or a widow. There is no way on earth, a man is going to justify that to me. It is just selfishness.


Women also have sex till their very late periods although not as much as men. Personally, I think it could be primarily due to social and economic reasons. I don't think older men can claim to have the sex vibrant energy or to be easily aroused like the way it used to be. Therefore I strongly believe that most older men who claim such nonsense are merely trying to feel powerful and attached.


I wasn't the one that mentioned a camp. However I used to do IVC.

Thank u, my sister. The verse tht was revealed as regards polygamy pointed more towards marrying widows, how many men marry widows or divorcees? Many of the men who go into polygamy av no justification other than selfishness and at the end of the day, they don't follow the guidelines and conditions needed for a polygamous home wtout going against God and man.

HaneefahRN:

Thank u, my sister. The verse tht was revealed as regards polygamy pointed more towards marrying widows, how many men marry widows or divorcees? Many of the men who go into polygamy av no justification other than selfishness and at the end of the day, they don't follow the guidelines and conditions needed for a polygamous home wtout going against God and man.

Personally, I am not going to accept any excuses.

HaneefahRN:

Thank u, my sister. The verse tht was revealed as regards polygamy pointed more towards marrying widows, how many men marry widows or divorcees? Many of the men who go into polygamy av no justification other than selfishness and at the end of the day, they don't follow the guidelines and conditions needed for a polygamous home wtout going against God and man.

On the issue of polygamy, I can see that we are on the same page as long as all necessary conditions are met. This is the injunction of our creator.
I will differ with you on the verse on polygamy, there is no where it emphasized marriage to widows. Even if emphasis is on widow, for the sake of argument, will women still accept them as a co-wives with no resistance?

I got married to get a SPERM DONOR!
Period!

mostyg:


On the issue of polygamy, I can see that we are on the same page as long as all necessary conditions are met. This is the injunction of our creator.
I will differ with you on the verse on polygamy, there is no where it emphasized marriage to widows. Even if emphasis is on widow, for the sake of argument, will women still accept them as a co-wives with no resistance?

And u think those requirements are very light? Polygamy is only permitted in Islam not encouraged becos a man even if he thinks he has all the means is taking a high risk as regards displeasing his Lord.
Of course, there is an emphasis on widows and orphans, this goes wt the historical backing of the verses, when they were revealed. Let's go to the verses:
4:3- If ye fear tht ye shall not be able to deal justly with the orphans, marry women of ur choice, two, or three or four; BUT IF YE FEAR THAT YE SHALL NOT BE ABLE TO DEAL JUSTLY (with them), THEN ONLY ONE, or that which ur right hand possess. THAT WILL BE MORE SUITABLE TO PREVENT YOU FROM DOING INJUSTICE.
Q4:129- Ye are never able to do justice between wives, even if it is ur ardent desire-
What is this saying? It isn't a contradiction but a hidden template for those who reflect.
Some hypocritical men wld claim they are trying to do the sunnah by marrying more than one wife, forgetting the Prophet mainly married widows and divorcees and had only one virgin wife. They can follow the sunnah in tht way but won't follow the sunny as regards dealing wt their wives. Even the Prophet was scared of doing injustice among his wives.
Some men av abused this polygamy issue to the extent of marrying and divorcing women as they wish, as long as they dnt go beyond 4 at a time. Polygamy wasn't allowed to satisfy men's sexual whims or inflate a ego but out of compassion for women, at a time it was really needed.
Give an answer to this, wld u want to share ur wife with any man? Can u even imagine how u wld feel having to share ur loved one wt someone else?

mostyg:


On the issue of polygamy, I can see that we are on the same page as long as all necessary conditions are met. This is the injunction of our creator.
I will differ with you on the verse on polygamy, there is no where it emphasized marriage to widows. Even if emphasis is on widow, for the sake of argument, will women still accept them as a co-wives with no resistance?

And u think those requirements are very light? Polygamy is only permitted in Islam not encouraged becos a man even if he thinks he has all the means is taking a high risk as regards displeasing his Lord.
Of course, there is an emphasis on widows and orphans, this goes wt the historical backing of the verses, when they were revealed. Let's go to the verses:
4:3- If ye fear tht ye shall not be able to deal justly with the orphans, marry women of ur choice, two, or three or four; BUT IF YE FEAR THAT YE SHALL NOT BE ABLE TO DEAL JUSTLY (with them), THEN ONLY ONE, or that which ur right hand possess. THAT WILL BE MORE SUITABLE TO PREVENT YOU FROM DOING INJUSTICE.
Q4:129- Ye are never able to do justice between wives, even if it is ur ardent desire-
What is this saying? It isn't a contradiction but a hidden template for those who reflect.
Some hypocritical men wld claim they are trying to do the sunnah by marrying more than one wife, forgetting the Prophet mainly married widows and divorcees and had only one virgin wife. They can follow the sunnah in tht way but won't follow the sunny as regards dealing wt their wives. Even the Prophet was scared of doing injustice among his wives.
Some men av abused this polygamy issue to the extent of marrying and divorcing women as they wish, as long as they dnt go beyond 4 at a time. Polygamy wasn't allowed to satisfy men's sexual whims or inflate a ego but out of compassion for women, at a time it was really needed.
Do u think it's easy having to share one's husband? Even great women like Sarah and Aisha had their share of jealousy talk more we trying to hold on to and build our faith.
Give an answer to this, wld u want to share ur wife with any man? Can u even imagine how u wld feel having to share ur loved one wt someone else?

Honestly! I don't know. I fell in love with this dude about 8years ago... I felt I couldn't live without him. So when he asked me to marry him, I said yes without thinking twice.

Why did I marry him? I don't know! He is my everything. I can't imagine life without him.

HaneefahRN:

Lolz, I guess too much nollywood films influenced ur comment although u're right in some ways.
I'm from a polygamous home and sincerely I dnt wish it for my worst enemy. But I think the success of the polygamous home depends largely on how the man manages his home and the mindset of the wives. Most women coming as second wife come wt the mindset to destroy the home and the relationship the man has wt the 1st wife- If the 1st wife is also troublesome then more trouble in the home and when the man decides to take a third, the 2nd wife most times puts up most fight forgetting she did it to another woman.
The basis for polygamy in Islam was mostly out of compassion for women nt for sexual gratification of men (going by the historical backing), even the quranic verses tht permit it has an hidden template to it, wc only wise men who aren't blinded by their personal whims will get. Islam only permits polygamy, it doesn't encourage it. Men are allowed to marry up to four wives on the condition tht they do justice btw all otherwise marry just one wc is the best for u. Then the Quran goes on to say 'and u cannot do justice among them even if u wish to'.(wht is this saying?) .
Sure u can't love them equally but u av to do justice in every other aspect. How many men in polygamy are doing justice in their homes? They think they are enjoying themselves (nt sure wht the enjoyment is sef, sleeping wt different women or what?) not knowing they are incurring more sufferings for themselves cos it's no joke doing justice among women and at the same time they'll account for it, and wld be punished for it (if they fall short) if nt in this life but surely in the hereafter for not taking on the command ascribed to polygamy wc is JUSTICE.
A wise man blessed wt a loving and wonderful wife wld steer clear of polygamy if he knew what is best for him and not blinded by his personal whims, the enjoyment he is seeking is temporary compared wt the loads of account and punishments (if he falls short), he'll face from his Lord.

I am talking frm personal experience. I am a product of polygamy n it is so horrible. Fnx for d insight on d Quran concerning it n i hope dose practising it wil do it rightly.

HateU2:
There is nothing like looking at the kids that came out of you. At that moment, there is only one thing that you can feel 'LOVE'. You have your answer there not just one o. Happy 2016

Not all kids makes one happy...

Some make one to regret ever having them....

johnson232:

Not all kids makes one happy...

Some make one to regret ever having them....

like seriously?

babysophie:
I am talking frm personal experience. I am a product of polygamy n it is so horrible. Fnx for d insight on d Quran concerning it n i hope dose practising it wil do it rightly.

Eeyah, sowie. May God strengthen us.
Uwc, are u a Muslimah?

babysophie:
polygamy is very dangerous in Nigeria,especially wre d man is a bit comfortable financially. Negative competition results wen d women start destroying everything that will increase dem,for example,dey wil start killing each other's children so dt d man's wealth wil b for dem alone. At d end,d women wil turn d husband to a zombie.

Where do you get your rubbish "facts" from?

Your nonsense Nollywood movies?

babysophie:
I am talking frm personal experience. I am a product of polygamy n it is so horrible. Fnx for d insight on d Quran concerning it n i hope dose practising it wil do it rightly.

Your experience is not fact or representative!

Never again use it to generalise.

HaneefahRN:

And u think those requirements are very light? Polygamy is only permitted in Islam not encouraged becos a man even if he thinks he has all the means is taking a high risk as regards displeasing his Lord.
Of course, there is an emphasis on widows and orphans, this goes wt the historical backing of the verses, when they were revealed. Let's go to the verses:
4:3- If ye fear tht ye shall not be able to deal justly with the orphans, marry women of ur choice, two, or three or four; BUT IF YE FEAR THAT YE SHALL NOT BE ABLE TO DEAL JUSTLY (with them), THEN ONLY ONE, or that which ur right hand possess. THAT WILL BE MORE SUITABLE TO PREVENT YOU FROM DOING INJUSTICE.
Q4:129- Ye are never able to do justice between wives, even if it is ur ardent desire-
What is this saying? It isn't a contradiction but a hidden template for those who reflect.
Some hypocritical men wld claim they are trying to do the sunnah by marrying more than one wife, forgetting the Prophet mainly married widows and divorcees and had only one virgin wife. They can follow the sunnah in tht way but won't follow the sunny as regards dealing wt their wives. Even the Prophet was scared of doing injustice among his wives.
Some men av abused this polygamy issue to the extent of marrying and divorcing women as they wish, as long as they dnt go beyond 4 at a time. Polygamy wasn't allowed to satisfy men's sexual whims or inflate a ego but out of compassion for women, at a time it was really needed.
Give an answer to this, wld u want to share ur wife with any man? Can u even imagine how u wld feel having to share ur loved one wt someone else?

Quran 4 vs 129 ?