Good day family, pls help a sister out, mature and Godly advice needed.

My MIL came over to our house nov last year she has breast cancer, due to that early sickness she was adviced to change environment for some time.

She has gone through the third chemo and the operation site has healed as she no longer dresses the wound.

Now the issue is that I think it's time for her to go back home, mind you for this past 5 months I have been very supportive of her stay, I always make sure she eats thrice daily and other necessary things.

I think she so comfortable now that she doesn't want to leave anymore, mind you she goes to work once in a while. She only has stress the week she goes for chemo and after that week she is good to go.

At present it's just the two of us at home as hubby has a contract in another location. When he was about leaving he told her to go back home because I will not always be around and in other for her not to be lonely, she started calling every body that my hubby is driving her.

Now we are parking out to a new place by Friday and yet she is not making plans to go, my hubby has being postponing the move because he wants her to go first. Mind you were we are moving to is her brothers house. Not that we can not pay our rentage, the uncle is out of the country so he needs somebody to stay in the house.

My fear now is that if she moves with us to this house, then she will never leave again since it's her brothers house.

Sorry for the long epistle, I just want you to understand, my hubby is not really saying anything because I feel he doesn't want to offend his mum as he is the first. There are other people at home to take care of her, her husband is still at home.

Pls advice me on what to do because I intend to confront my hubby this nite when he comes concerning it.

Anything that has to do with a man's mother has to be treated with wisdom. It's the ever recurring wife v mother question.

To answer your question, I don't think you are being insensitive. If she is fully healed, then she should go back to her husband's house.

I think the onus is on your husband to reach out to his dad, whom I presume is your MIL's husband and talk to him man to man. He should be able to call his wife back home. A woman who has a husband should not leave her matrimonial home to stay permanently in her son's house.

In any case, do not attempt to confront your MIL directly. Such a move usually doesn't end well.

Mothers shouldn't ever stay in their children's family house for more than necessary.
Your husband should be firm and diplomatic, he might need to call in the pastor to help his mother understand the privacy of married couple.

Okay this is what you should do, immediately after parking to your new location go for a honeymoon with ur hubby or if he is busy at work then visit ur family or relative for like two weeks. (just go on a 2weeks trip) but make sure u tell her earlier o. She will start making plans on going back.

Breast cancer is very draining and is a debilitating illness both physically and emotionally
How many chemotherapy sessions does she have left?
Its usually 6 and you said she has had 3, so 3 more to go but it may be different, I don't know

If it were to be abroad, she would have support groups, Macmillan nurses etc, but that is not the case in most cases in Nigeria, so the patients have to rely on the family for strength.

I am explaining all this to you so you fully understand what your MIL is going through at present

However if you feel that you cant cope with her any more, then its best that she goes before you both start "not getting on" as that will not be good for anyone especially someone going through cancer treatment.

I also want you to know that breast cancer is one of those illnesses where even with chemo and surgery if had not been caught in time can return. I pray that this is not the case for your MIL and that you will still have many more years to enjoy her and she enjoy you and her grandkids.

Does she have anyone to look after her well in her own home?
Maybe she wants to stay away from home so people dont ask too many questions. She probably looks frail and has lost hair and weight.
You know our people and gossip and the woman is trying to avoid that on top of the stress of illness.

Anyway, Discuss it with your hubby and try and work something out that will try to accommodate everyone's wishes as best as possible.

adeaks:
Anything that has to do with a man's mother has to be treated with wisdom. It's the ever recurring wife v mother question.

To answer your question, I don't think you are being insensitive. If she is fully healed, then she should go back to her husband's house.

I think the onus is on your husband to reach out to his dad, whom I presume is your MIL's husband and talk to him man to man. He should be able to call his wife back home. A woman who has a husband should not leave her matrimonial home to stay permanently in her son's house.

In any case, do not attempt to confront your MIL directly. Such a move usually doesn't end well.

Truth is, my FIL has not been the best of husband to her. This is just an avenue for to be sepereted from him. She is d bread winner, so now she is not running any expenses and the house is very comfortable for her. That's how I see it

Geezzz!

Madam I think you and your husband, her son, is being very insensitive, what if it was "Omugwo" she came, you'll probably persuade her stay up to 6-9months to help out with your baby. 5months is too short a time to send her back, to who?, does she have anybody she'll stay with. Somebody that is recovering from cancer, coupled with the chemo treatments, requires close monitoring, unless you don't have a good relationship with your MIL, u should even advice your husband that it is rather too early to send her her mother back.

ITbomb:
Mothers shouldn't ever stay in their children's family house for more than necessary.
Your husband should be firm and diplomatic, he might need to call in the pastor to help his mother understand the privacy of married couple.

Yes we actually involved her pastor who promised us to talk her Back home. He adviced that we should just take it easy in order for there not to be quarrel at the end. His approach is not working to me.

Yes u r been insensitive. Cancer and it's treatments are emotionally draining.
If she is the bread winner of her home with an unsurportive husband, having just been through an almost death situation? She needs all the love n support she can get from all.
You are also moving 2 her brothers house. You and ur hubby cannot force her 2 move from your house. If anything, she has more rights 2 the new house u intend 2 move into than your hubby.
I will advise u pick your battles wisely.

When you are that age with an unsupportive n caring husband, pray you are not at the mercy of your daughter in laws who find your presence irritating.

zerojoy:
Okay this is what you should do, immediately after parking to your new location go for a honeymoon with ur hubby or if he is busy at work then visit ur family or relative for like two weeks. (just go on a 2weeks trip) but make sure u tell her earlier o. She will start making plans on going back.

That will not work as she usually brings two of daughters over, they alternate it. Have gone out countless times to dissuade her, all she does is call any of her daughters to come over

MARKone:
Geezzz!

Madam I think you and your husband, her son, is being very insensitive, what if it was "Omugwo" she came, you'll probably persuade her stay up to 6-9months to help out with your baby. 5months is too short a time to send her back, to who?, does she have anybody she'll stay with. Somebody that is recovering from cancer, coupled with the chemo treatments, requires close monitoring, unless you don't have a good relationship with your MIL, u should even advice your husband that it is rather too early to send her her mother back.

We are from edo state. It's not compulsory she stays up to six months for omuguo. There are other children at home to monitor her. She only has stress the week of her chemo and after that she is good to go. Did you read the part were I said she goes to work once in a while?

@ angiemartinez to give you some perspective

Tip the situation on its head and look at it from another angle

God forbid if you were the one in the woman's shoes and you were the MIL and living with your son and his wife, what would you have done/wanted?

keepingmum:
Yes u r been insensitive. Cancer and it's treatments are emotionally draining.
If she is the bread winner of her home with an unsurportive husband, having just been through an almost death situation? She needs all the love n support she can get from all.
You are also moving 2 her brothers house. You and ur hubby cannot force her 2 move from your house. If anything, she has more rights 2 the new house u intend 2 move into than your hubby.
I will advise u pick your battles wisely.

Like I said it's not compulsory we move there as we can conveniently pay for our rentage. Anyway thanks for your contribution

tearoses:
@ angiemartinez to give you some perspective

Tip the situation on its head and look at it from another angle

God forbid if you were the one in the woman's shoes and you were the MIL and living with your son and his wife, what would you have done/wanted?

Of cos not to over stay my welcome, I would rather be with my hubby.
I hope you read the part were I said she is ok now compared to when she came?

angiemartinez:

Of cos not to over stay my welcome, I would rather be with my hubby.
I hope you read the part were I said she is ok now compared to when she came?

I did
Has she finished her treatment
Has she been given the all clear?

You say you rather be with your hubby, but you also said that she in a way was running away from him.
As I said earlier, if she is becoming an issue, then before the whole thing disintegrates, then you and your hubby find a way to get her back home
As per your husbands uncles house you are moving too, she has more right over that house than you and your husband o!
So if you know that it will be an issue, think it through very well before you pack there.

tearoses:
Breast cancer is very draining and is a debilitating illness both physically and emotionally
How many chemotherapy sessions does she have left?
Its usually 6 and you said she has had 3, so 3 more to go but it may be different, I don't know

If it were to be abroad, she would have support groups, Macmillan nurses etc, but that is not the case in most cases in Nigeria, so the patients have to rely on the family for strength.

I am explaining all this to you so you fully understand what your MIL is going through at present

However if you feel that you cant cope with her any more, then its best that she goes before you both start "not getting on" as that will not be good for anyone especially someone going through cancer treatment.

I also want you to know that breast cancer is one of those illnesses where even with chemo and surgery if had not been caught in time can return. I pray that this is not the case for your MIL and that you will still have many more years to enjoy her and she enjoy you and her grandkids.

Does she have anyone to look after her well in her own home?
Maybe she wants to stay away from home so people dont ask too many questions. She probably looks frail and has lost hair and weight.
You know our people and gossip and the woman is trying to avoid that on top of the stress of illness.

Anyway, Discuss it with your hubby and try and work something out that will try to accommodate everyone's wishes as best as possible.

Yes 3 sections left, and she has lost her hair. If she wants the whole world to no d kind of sickness good for her. The way she is hear, no one will know the type of illness. To be frank, am fed up of her stay.

angiemartinez:

That will not work as she usually brings two of daughters over, they alternate it. Have gone out countless times to dissuade her, all she does is call any of her daughters to come over

May be in a new environment she wouldn't like it, even if she decide to follow u to d new place dont give her time to adapt d environment, just leave immediately and also stop giving her enough money.

Angiemartinez,how much of your space does she really take up?Do you have to tend to her many times in a day?
Is she still receiving treatment(chemo sessions) going to the hospital from your house?

If she doesn't need you often during the day and she has her own room,I think you should still give her more time.I say this because of the ailment she is dealing with and the fact that she doesn't have a supportive husband.

ITbomb:
Mothers shouldn't ever stay in their children's family house for more than necessary.
Your husband should be firm and diplomatic, he might need to call in the pastor to help his mother understand the privacy of married couple.

thank you, especially MIL because they will always find something wrong in a woman the poor man has always place high and probably will start bringing problem plus no privacy for the woman

angiemartinez:

That will not work as she usually brings two of daughters over, they alternate it. Have gone out countless times to dissuade her, all she does is call any of her daughters to come over

imagine....what nonsense

angiemartinez:

Yes 3 sections left, and she has lost her hair. If she wants the whole world to no d kind of sickness good for her. The way she is hear, no one will know the type of illness. To be frank, am fed up of her stay.

if she is not troublesome and does not interfere with your private issues, please bear with her and take it easy cos if she was your mum, you wouldn't have thrown her out..
Biko OBHI

Cancer isn't easy to deal with, and usually terminal here. Try to find a solution that keeps your mother in law in the house. Think creatively.

Mrs, a quick one. Is her presence inconveniencing you guys in anyway? Assuming she is your mother and has gone through same sugary and stuff, you won't even want your hubby to make it a topic.

I tried reading a place were you would say she has done so and so, but found none. Madam, I trust you will be a mother in law some day. Don't complain when same treatment is returned.

thorpido:
Angiemartinez,how much of your space does she really take up?Do you have to tend to her many times in a day?
Is she still receiving treatment(chemo sessions) going to the hospital from your house?

If she doesn't need you often during the day and she has her own room,I think you should still give her more time.I say this because of the ailment she is dealing with and the fact that she doesn't have a supportive husband.

I don't tend to her often, she goes for the chrmo once a month. She has her own room

angiemartinez:

I don't tend to her often, she goes for the chrmo once a month. She has her own room

I think you've tried. Not many women out there would allow their MIL stay peacefully in the house for 1 week. In fact, some are willing, waiting, and praying to celebrate their MIL's death.

If you have major worries regarding her stay, apply wisdom and talk to your husband. Please do this before your concern degenerates into hate towards your MIL.

The woman is surely feeling the peace, warmth and love she probably won't get anywhere, not even in her daughter's home. It is natural for us (humans) to feel relaxed at our comfort zones.

You are being insensitive, I'm sure you know that. She is not the cause of her sickness, you have to try and support her in anyway.
Your husband may just be supporting you,but deep within him,he must be thinking of how selfish you can be,remember, no condition is permanent.

Are you still TTC?
Is she making a noise on that?
What exactly is the problem
Its more than just the stay
There's something else

I don't think you're being insensitive. 5 months is a while but honestly cancer is a big deal so I'd say just bear with her a little longer.
Not because you've not done enough but because this situation is not like the normal one.
And like someone said, you're moving to her brothers house. Lol. You can't send her out of her brother's house o. So think about that well before moving.

I wish her fast and total recovery.

Dear Angie Martinez,
I would normally have supported the idea that your MIL has overstayed, but in this case I beg to defer. It's tough living with other people. We all want our space. However, that woman is going through a lot right now.

I have worked with cancer victims in Nigeria, and the end result is usually grim due to late presentation. You say she is better now, but that she came to your house in a pretty bad state, most likely the cancer may already have spread. The surgery, chemo, radiotherapy is just buying her a little time, though I'm not God.

What kills faster is even the lack of support needed. I've seen a lot of breast cancer patients unsupported by their spouses, they deteriorate faster than those who seem to have the support of their ffamily. Support isnt just monetary in this case.

That woman is scared for her life. Cancer patients do have emergencies, and can get bad suddenly. If she were far away from her healthcare providers and something happens to her health, how would she access good health care on time? These are some of the things probably going on in her mind.

Pls, and pls bear with her. Make up your mind that you want to do this as a service to God, and not just because she's your MIL. Make her a project that you want to succeed on.
Her daughters coming around is not to come and eat your food, but probably to just monitor her. She is scared of being alone!

No one can really understand what a cancer patient goes through. The thought of what people will even say and their pitying looks reminding her she will soon die is enough to discourage her from wanting to go back home.

So many things I want to say, but at the end of the day, it's still your decision.

I wish mama all the best.

Op,

You said she came last year Nov, where did she come from? As in where was she staying before she came? And is your FIL not still alive?

would you have done,acted,or said same thing if it were your mother?

angiemartinez:
Good day family, pls help a sister out, mature and Godly advice needed.

My MIL came over to our house nov last year she has breast cancer, due to that early sickness she was adviced to change environment for some time.

She has gone through the third chemo and the operation site has healed as she no longer dresses the wound.

Now the issue is that I think it's time for her to go back home, mind you for this past 5 months I have been very supportive of her stay, I always make sure she eats thrice daily and other necessary things.

I think she so comfortable now that she doesn't want to leave anymore, mind you she goes to work once in a while. She only has stress the week she goes for chemo and after that week she is good to go.

At present it's just the two of us at home as hubby has a contract in another location. When he was about leaving he told her to go back home because I will not always be around and in other for her not to be lonely, she started calling every body that my hubby is driving her.

Now we are parking out to a new place by Friday and yet she is not making plans to go, my hubby has being postponing the move because he wants her to go first. Mind you were we are moving to is her brothers house. Not that we can not pay our rentage, the uncle is out of the country so he needs somebody to stay in the house.

My fear now is that if she moves with us to this house, then she will never leave again since it's her brothers house.

Sorry for the long epistle, I just want you to understand, my hubby is not really saying anything because I feel he doesn't want to offend his mum as he is the first. There are other people at home to take care of her, her husband is still at home.

Pls advice me on what to do because I intend to confront my hubby this nite when he comes concerning it.

since your husband has already indicated that he would like his mother to go back to her home, then I don't see why you should burden yourself about the issue. leave it for your husband to handle and don't show any displeasure concerning her prolonged stay if you don't want the spotlight of chaos to shine on you.