Good day,good people of nairaland.
please i would need your advice and counselling about my marriage. I got married in Dec. 2013 to a man i courted for 6 months, yes 6 months, though we meet and separated for over a year then we came back and got married 6 months later. Before we got married i had other well to to suitors, but i was of the opinion that money isn't everything cos i preferred to marry someone i could struggle with.
During my final months in school was wen i was preparing for my wedding so i was always on my way to Lagos at least twice a month and i spend i week each,so it was like spending 2 weeks in school,2 weeks off school. Because of that i couldnt meet the 70% of attendance other lectures listened to my plight and let it slide but Mr Ali decided he won't and gave me the carry over. All good and fine i will come bck next year and rewrite it so i thought.

Complete it

Story not complete, you toy with final year for di*k

To cut Long stories short my hubby did not allow me to go so could not rewrite the carryover and i got only 2 years grace to rewrite it. That was how i lost my 2 years OND certificate. his reason was since i wasn't going for HND there was no need.
I felt all hope was not lost since i never really wanted to work for any one i wanted to be self employed. I went for training in fashion design and completed it, since there was no money to set me up i decided to b doing the little i can from my parlor, i even started working for people, but since hubby was always looking for ways to tell me when to go to work,he will just wake up one morning and decide that today i wouldn't be going to work,so i wasn't steadfast because of unofficial absenteeism, they would have to look for some one else.
I kept on searching cos i hate idleness, i ended up working for up to 7 different fashion house,i had to leave for the same reason. Until the day he boldly told me he doesn't want me searching for job any more. since then i have been a stay at home wife.

Hmmmmmmm..Odiegwu

All through those 2 years was the worst of my life cos of childlessness, i was battling to be stable in my finances, i was trying to be a good wife, and oooohhh God pregnancy was not forth coming. I cried to God, i prayed like i never,ever did,i don't have money to start seeking for alternative. My hubby will always not hesitate to remind me how he won't remain childless for the rest of his life( marrying a second wife) it got to a point i told him if he can he should get a wife, cos the pressure from him was so much,you wouldn't even believe we were less than 2 years in marriage. He went on and on telling any one who cared to hear how unserious i was in getting pregnant.
In it all the only consolation i got was from his mother who kept assuring me i would carry my own children.
Hmmmmm after all said and done, thank God i got a big fat possitive when i least expected it am almost due,to bring forth my little one and Yes its a BOY.

hmmmmm....you got a child from a native doctor??..wow...

ok now let's talk about my family.
Am from a polygamous home, my father is married to 4 wives, and of course he is an igbo man, he use to be very rich,he lived his life in extravagance without any single investment not even a Hoe and that was part of the reason i never wanted to marry a rich man(does any reasonable person has that kind of mentality)My mum is the second wife,her business was doing good when Dad was ok, but came crumbling when she was the only source of livelihood. For now mum and Dad got nothing, they live from hand to mouth,infact that was part of the reason i married early,to avoid relying on men for money.
During my traditional marriage my mum wept all through cos of the way the list was slashed infact, they did less than 1/3 of the whole process and i wasnt even helping matters as i was shouting iam not being sold, the whole process was like they were pricing crayfish in the market,that didn't bother me, i was just happy iam getting married, my mum wept her eyes out,now i understand why she was crying.
My hubby hated my mum since the saying she likes money too much, since i got married am not sure they ve talked on phone up to 3 times, infact the last time my mum called him and was like why dont you use to call me, he bluntly told her that he does not owe her any call.
Same goes for my elder sister, she is very outspoken, unlike me, and he hates her for that, when ever she come around, he becomes even more angry, this has created a distance between me and my family, no one is allowed to come in contact with me,am just isolated, if i have problems i don't knw who to call

.........

I feel your pain dear, but dont ever give up.. Rather pray up in persistency, God will order ur steps and also keep your heart frm depression..


Stay blessed

Now my major issues are, he smokes India hemp,he does not support me financially, and to crown it all he beats me at every giving oppurtunity,.
He was smoking when we meet,part of the reason we broke up before was cos he smokes, but he stopped during our courtship and now its worse, i hate smokers, but because he smokes its like hypocrisy to say i hate it.
Now you didnt allow me to work, and you wouldn't take care of me, since we got married he hasn't for one day given me money to make my hair as in not even by mistake that didn't bother me i ended up cutting the hair,the only clothe he has ever bought for me was our traditional wedding clothe,that didnt bother me am a designer i will join one or 2 pcs together and am good, the child you were causing havoc for will b here soon and we are not half prepared Yes this bothers me, is it that you don't have as you always claim, or just being wicked.
When ever i say lets talk about it you feel insulted, you end up insulting my mum and if i ask you not to, you end up beating me, you wake me up in the middle of a nap and ask me to cook,sweep or wash,of course i use to do them but now i can't, you feel insulted and end up beating me, they said all we need is communication, am not the talking type any time i become grieved and decide to pour my heart to you, you ll say am insulting you and you end up beating me
Am in a marriage that i don't enjoy anything, not peace, not happiness, not love, not freedom, but i still want to stay, what will i go bck and tell my mum,what will people say, what will i fall bck on when i leave,what will happen to my child,
this are the reason am still in the marriage not because am happy or satisfied.

All these started as soon as we got married so i can't say what propelled it, he always tell me,he is going to quit, i realized he is not happy, i thought it was because of the childlessness, and i always console my self that it would be better, but no improvement. the marriage is so shabby as the both of us aren't satisfied or happy, i cant call my hubby a friend as the only conversation we have is about money, quarrels, and insults, he is 9 yrs older.
Am so confused, i just want to know if i keep pressing will this marriage work. Cos i cant let my kid's suffer from this emotional turture

The sooner you leave the better for you. Indian hemp is not a friend to any married man. You shouldn't be scared of leaving this hell hole you are. You want to work he is not allowing you, he beats you at will even when you are pregnant(so insensitive & stupid), but better leave his home and go stay with mum or any friend or relative at least for now.

Hmmmm! God is your strength. Personally, I think you should let your mother know what you are going through because I don't think it's safe to stay in the house alone with a man dat beats you not minding your condition. You have only one life to live, please don't joke with it and that of your precious angel. God will see you through

My dear you are an unserious individual. Better start a fresh life or keep wallowing in this mess. You should be giving testimony that there is no child to partake in this doomsday. This time around don't be like the leaves that get blown by every passing wind. Have a direction in life and let anyone that can't share in that direction bounce. How can you choose poverty as a criteria for marriage? What happens to the content of a man's character? I tire for you. Just start all over, you have your chance now. How can you let someone mess you up like this? It's not late!

Lmao! I don't see why should have abandoned rich suitors to marry a poor man with the facade you'll struggle with him; I pity girls that trade with such ideology except you love that guy more than others which is a better reason...
It takes a responsible man to acquire wealth without any woman's help...

Sigh! I think you should leave that marriage for Christ sake.

Hmmm! U married an insensitive, uncultured, Man. But guess what is not a real man.
Firstly u got a good chance to run earlier,that is u not been able to concieve,that should have made u to leave cos u gat nothing so much to loose,but now u are expecting and d beatings and I'll treatment still comes.
Well left for me, what u see is what u get,can wait on dat kind of man.
Now u have a low self esteem,cos what will make u. Remain with someone with an animalistic behaviour.

If u were my sis I did say pack ur things and leave,cos u ain't holding on to anytin in dat house.
1)No money
2)No care
3)No love
4)No attention
5)No companionship
6)No communication
7)No Godly Moments
No peace
9)No respects for u or ur pple
10) looks like there is also no future
My friend,it all depends on u now,but I will say get out of that place as soon as u can afterall he isn't taking care of u or ur future.

The red flags was there but you choose not to do what is right for you.I blame you cos why will you not finish your studies because you are getting married.When I was a student I know a lot of married women with kids. Why did you marry a man that doesn't want your progress.You didn't want to marry a rich man yet you married someone that doesn't want you to build wealth. With the things you have said,why will stay in such a miserable situation.Why will you live with a man that beats you at every chance he gets. You better tell your people what's up and leave that marriage before we start hearing stories that touch.

luccicouture:
but i still want to stay, what will i go bck and tell my mum,what will people say, what will i fall bck on when i leave,what will happen to my child,
this are the reason am still in the marriage not because am happy or satisfied.

Advising you to leave is like pouring water into the basket cos I know you would never leave. Continue to wait on what people would say. It's your cross, you alone know where the shoe hurts. I wish you the best

When he eventually Ronke'd you, I will comment.

I felt you were crying while writing this post, when you started referring to your husband as 'you' instead of 'he' in your write up, I started crying too. If you can't leave now, why not look for a way to ensure you go to your parents from the hospital after childbirth instead of your mum coming over? You would have that three months window to make your decision.

Training our girls solely for the purpose of marriage should be discouraged, there is more to life than being a good wife and mother.

egopersonified:
I felt you were crying while writing this post, when you started referring to your husband as 'you' instead of 'he' in your write up, I started crying too. If you can't leave now, why not look for a way to ensure you go to your parents from the hospital after childbirth instead of your mum coming over? You would have that three months window to make your decision.

Training our girls solely for the purpose of marriage should be discouraged, there is more to life than being a good
wife and mother.

u nailed it.girls should know they hv value.God brought them here for a reason not just to be a brooding mare!

op, I would suggest u first make peace wt ur mother&tell her all that has been happening.then ensure u perfect ur tailoring, try and talk to even if it will be neighbours and church members to patronize u so as to get some money to get essentials for ur baby.as much as possible,try and depend less on ur hubby by not asking him for anything to avoid beatings.then pray to God.nothing is impossible for Him to do.

I hope you've shared this because you are looking for geninue advice. From what you've written it seems you don't quite understand that this is your life and not a dress rehearsal ie you have only this one life and there are some mistakes you will need recover from. You have a baby on the way you need to determine if you want to put him through this mess!

Go and get a notebook right away and immediately pen down your next options. You might not immediately be empowered to leave but you better start working on it before you get yourself killed anyway.

If truly you can sew you better start sewing from that your house. Customers will come as long as your work is decent. when you earn income better save for the day you will leave this fellow. He's not likely to change so don't bank on that.

Invest some time praying for yourself especially for your safety.

Avoid him and all the triggers for his rage. So that you don't get hurt.

May God be with you.
I truly hope you've learnt from your experience anyway.

Pls leave dat house as soon as possible cos he may end up killing u oneday.dnt mind wat pple will say cos dat is a normal tin. life is good but live wisely.

I really feel for you,but how I wish you feel for yourself.

Why not start afresh, it better late than never.
Marriage is meant to be enjoyed,and not endured.

We can't help you,if you didn't help yourself.

OP I feel pain reading your post. I don't know what to say. Through this man you lost the chance to finish your OND at least. You lost the chance to work with the skill you learnt yet he won't man up and take care of you financially. I would advice you wash away shame and involve your family at this point. They won't reject. They can even talk sense to him.

Why do you want to stay? You want to die ni?
He can't control his temper.
He is tight fisted.
He has zero respect for you.
He doesnt want personal growth for you.
Is the sexx that good that you want to die there?


Open your eyes!
Think with your head!
Unless you want to live hand to mouth too.
Lonely.
Sad.
Depressed.
Abused.
With a son that knows all the corners hemp is sold at age 5. He'll probably chew some at some point......
A son that believes its ok to treat women like trash because its what daddy does. He will start with you, yes your son will learn to disrespect yoy, report you to daddy, laugh when daddy beats you.....its true, sad but true.



Since you want to stay sha.........
What can I say?
Pray he stops.
Pray for strength....strength to withstand the punches, strength to withstand hunger ( best way to punish a woman with no money of her own is withold food from her and her brood).
Pray to have the perseverance of Job.


But if and when you decide to leave.....
- start reporting him to his people and your people so that they can be aware of what you are going thru.
- start saving....even if na 100# per day. Save. You can also pick from his pocket ( if he wont know or suspect..make e no go comot your teeth over 500#), as a new mother you will get monetary gift, spend wisely.
- save enough to buy a sewing machine. start sewing from the room. Socialise with women around you, I do not mean amebo things o....they are the ones that will refer ppl to you.
Sew only when he is not around, be careful to hide all clothes from his view, dont entertain clients in your house ( if possible, do the picking and dropping off).
- save more and spend wisely.
- call your outspoken sister that you are ready. That is if you ever will be.



Goodluck.

thanks all for the advice, is there really no hope or future for the marriage? hmmmmm what more can i say. I have been searching for a reason to stay,am soo confused, no wonder his mum once asked if he beats me and i just smiled and said no, several times it was his brother that saved me from his claws, now he is about to move out i wonder what will happen wen he decides to vents his anger.

nnamdibig:
The sooner you leave the better for you. Indian hemp is not a friend to any married man. You shouldn't be scared of leaving this hell hole you are. You want to work he is not allowing you, he beats you at will even when you are pregnant(so insensitive & stupid), but better leave his home and go stay with mum or any friend or relative at least for now.

i can't go and stay with my mum unless am planning to leave permanently, beside my mum is trying to sustain herself i can't go and become a burden

toyeem:
Hmmmm! God is your strength. Personally, I think you should let your mother know what you are going through because I don't think it's safe to stay in the house alone with a man dat beats you not minding your condition. You have only one life to live, please don't joke with it and that of your precious angel. God will see you through

without hesitation my mum will ask me to return, but that will be a burden on her + my child