What exactly comes to mind when you think of the idea, customer service?
Without an atom of doubt, a lot of times, very many people eagerly anticipate that fabulous quality assistance that leaves them floating on cloud nine with nothing but a refreshing glass of contentment yet there are 40 candid tip-offs we customer service representatives behind the desk or at the other end of the line would like you to be knowledgeable of either when or before you even consider giving our number a dial. So quickly, here they are: 
1.       Save us the headache of remembering all your names and titles. For instance, Chief Justice Lady Mrs Peace Oguezugbue Omotorewanitoto George. Honestly, I personally don't hear anything. I only hear, 'George'. So Puleeez! Just ‘Miss Tom Edet’ or ‘Mr. Mike’ or ‘Lady Remi’ is okay for us.
2.       For clarity sake, we don’t have all day, speak ALOUD! Or you may need to give us a call back. I bet you don't want to find yourself going back to the end of the endless queue. Oh yes, there's a queue. That's why it sometimes take forever for you to get through to us.
3.      The Customer Care help desk service is not a Love Rendezvous radio programme, so kindly make your complaint quick. Again, we do not have all day so we expect you go straight to the point and skip the cock and bull stories behind the matter.
4.       In continuation with no. 3, we have a target, and a maximum limit of three minutes per customer; so we do not intend wasting any second due to your  unpreparedness. Get all your info, facts, pen and paper readily available and don't be caught in the middle when you're requested to provide the phone number with the issue.
5. Yes, we're customer care and are supposed to "care" indeed. Blablabla...yadayadayada...but don't call us with ridiculous queries. Some queries are just outrageous - unbelievably unbelievable!
6.       Don’t try to come bitchy or saucy. Remember GIGO - Garbage In Garbage Out. Bitchy or saucy is what you may receive likewise. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. We are humans and we’ve got feelings too; so you get bitchy, you get bitchy; you get saucy; you get saucy.
7.       For the love of man, have some self-dignity. Do not – EVER – fight or rant or misbehave over missing or un-received bonus. It’s only a privilege, not a right. So if the network decides to clear your bonus balance, take it like that in good faith.
8.       Don’t be rude. Politeness will always win our hearts.
9.       Give us some time to speak as well when you are complaining. You are not a radio set. At least, allow us chip in a few words; that's why the action is called 'communication'. Don't go, "wait, let me talk...wait, let me finish..." A secret truth: if you drag on without adding a full stop in your complaint, you may just eventually be speaking to the desk.
10.   Listen. Properly. TO UNDERSTAND and NOT TO RESPOND based on what you have already formulated in your mind to say. They are two different things. Learn that.
11.   Be truthful. We are totally aware that some customers can so LIE!!! We have all your facts right before our eyes on the computer screen; so for once in life, be honest.
12.   Believe it or not, some people have as much as a million naira loaded as airtime on their lines. Yes! That's a certain fact; so be humble when you're talking about your account balance or how much you recharge all the time to prove your loyalty to the network.
13.   If you say you want to communicate in Yoruba, Igbo or Hausa and we switch from English to that particular language of choice, stick to that, don’t get us confused by mixing in fluent Americana English halfway through the conversation.
14.   When we say we’ve done something, believe us, we’ve done it. Don’t go asking, are you sure? 'Cause for goodness sake, it only takes a click of a button with the mouse.
15.   We sincerely appreciate the way you feel. Honestly, we do. Therefore, direct all anger of inconveniences to the network and not the person attending to you. They are humans too and can take your aggression and insults to a limit.
16.   When asked questions about your line, do not reply, “check your system, you can see everything there”. Of course we can! Hello? And sometimes we cannot. There are specific reasons we ask. Just like a doctor would a patient. We Must ASK! So be ready to answer ALL questions or don’t call.
17.   If you are just returning from Trinidad and Tobago or London, save that information for yourself. Honestly, it’s useless to us.
18.   Don’t talk too much. Kindly do us the favour of summarising the entire complaint or request in ONE WORD, if possible. Believe it or not, 90 percent of the time, when you start to speak, we know what the problem is and the solution already. So please spare us the extra time. We have more listening to do.
19.  Its no fun repeating one's self. We HATE to sound like a broken record. We really don’t have time for that. Honestly, its frustrating so please, be attentive – VEEEEERY attentive. The moment we’ve said something once, that is enough for us. And truly, we sometimes don't care if it's enough for you.
20.   Do not ask for our phone numbers. We really do not fancy being anybody’s PRIVATE CUSTOMER SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE. If you have any other issue, call the customer care helpline again. And again. And again. At least, that's why it's toll free.
21.   Let me hammer on this again. We have a target to attend to a specific number of incoming calls every day thereby leading to what is called AHT (Average Handling Time). I believe I mentioned this before in tip no. 4. Anyway, this means, for every incoming call, three minutes is allotted. We are rated based on these two key areas and we have a goal. Don’t make it hard for us when you have family and friends lined up behind you to have their issues resolved too after you’ve eaten up to ten minutes of our time with YOUR OWN numerous complaints of yesteryears.
22.   “I would like to speak with your supervisor.” That is a big no-no. Don’t say that. Don't try to act bossy or you are only going to be fooled‎. Imagine yourself, grown as you are, with a sucker, bib and rattle. That's what we'll make of you. We understand you just wanna hear a different voice so we call a less busy fellow colleague to speak with you. Or better still, we go off the line and return with a different tone. How about that, baby sucker?
23. Don't take a CCR's gentleness for granted. That may just lead to an expressway of not getting your issue resolved as soon as required.
24. If you call to report that a CCR who previously attended to you was rude or hung up on you, then you have simply activated ALL our senses of alertness. You may have been pretty annoying in some way to warrant that. And if by 100 percent chances you truly were, then you'll act the same - because you may think we CCR'S are all alike - thereby receiving the same exact treatment, unfortunately. Sorry, we just don't mean to either end the call or act nasty, snap or skip important terms and conditions. You asked for it.
25. We are not machines. We are human beings. We are just so used to the job we do it well even during night shifts when we're three-quarter the time asleep. A customer once asked me sincerely, after attending to her, "am I talking to a computer or a human being?" I laughed and told her I am human. Well, a computer would not have a good sense of humour to laugh to that, will it? So she believed.
‎26. Just be good, be kind, be sincere, be calm, be appreciative and don't ask for bonuses.
27. When you call and the voice you hear sounds pretty unpleasant, have it in mind that it's not about you. Its perhaps the customer who hung up before your call came in. We hate to be stressed, really and some people can be so overbearing.
28. Once your issue have been resolved and the conversation is over, please go, end the call, press the red button on your phone, drop the phone somewhere and let the conversation die - do whichever. Don't try to want to get familiar.
29. Be careful what you wish for 'cause you just might get it. "Send me a message containing ALL your tariff plans". Hearing that, oh, we'll gladly do and leave you with the unending burden of figuring the pieces out and then deleting over 20 sms received at once. That is only an example.
30. When you call, do not ask to be transferred to any particular person. "Oh, can I speak with Sandra? She attended to me the last time". Sorry, we're pretty much in number and your adorable Sandra may have closed for the day. As a matter of fact, I don't know her. In all honesty, I may never ever know her, meet her or have any kind of interaction with her. Yeah, we're that much. Scattered around various locations too.
31. Don't threaten you're going to break your SIM or sue the network to court or come to scatter the office in your displeasure or post ugly articles about the business on social media. Really and truly, it doesn't move a strand of hair off our nostril. So that rant will only be considered a waste of precious time and energy because most times, at the end of the day, you don't do what you've threatened.
32. Do not imagine we operate where recharge cards are scattered freely all over the floor and hanging down the ceilings. Therefore, do not ask a CCR to send you recharge card. Do people still do that anyway? Well, thank heavens for the ability to borrow airtime from the network these days.
33. Do not ask for a CCR's surname. Surname? Like seriously? Am I about to win a jackpot or something? You may get it and that doesn't really go down well with us. But really, why do you need that information? Look us up on google?
34.    When we ask you to call us back in the next 24 hours over an unresolved issue, please call back in the next 24 hours as told. You would definitely be told the reason which vary and are valid.  If you decide to want to be stubborn and venture call again in less than the number of hours required, I’m sorry but you would be meeting with a brick wall.
35.       Do not assume we know it all. News Flash: We Don’t! And we are not magicians with the midas touch. New products and services are rolled out or modified spontaneously, every other day and the brain can get so overloaded such that old information wear off and even new ones are yet to be registered. Therefore, sometimes we are as clueless as you are, so please hold on when asked to.
36. In all sincerity, we are always happy to  serve. Depending on our mood though.  
37. After all said and done, we hate the phrase, "one more thing..." It only takes 'grace' that we still hang on with you to drag on our golden time. Why don't you just go, end the call, goodbye!
38. Not every human being is awesome in nature, likewise not every CCR is. When you call and while you wait on the line to get served, pray your call connects with one who would have a sleepless night over your complaint and go the extra mile for you.
39. Don't be in a rush - rush to conclude what we've not ended because you're just totally, annoyingly impatient. You may be missing some very vital info by doing that and if you dare take our breath away, its simple, we may just leave you hanging - gladly - with limited knowledge and go.
40. You can always do it yourself. Check our various means of access to information and self service. In summary, we simply don't want you to call.

Yours truly,
Sean O. Jay

This is good I commend your effort coming up with such a good write up.