Tellemall:



You need an editor.


And you need to be prepared before you decide to put out a story as a topic. This looks rather hurried and unprepared. There are some errors that are rather easy to avoid.

We are going to assume you're a secondary school undergraduate from what we're seeing so far.

Nice story. At least you have a plot.

Hopefully you get to a great ending. You seem to be very comfortable telling your story, and that's the most important thing. But I cannot read any further than this your post. It's an assault to ones senses.

Nice critics, you're right,it look a bit clumsy when i started but i've improved in the subsequent chapters,about editing, bro larrysun has take over

olanshile2016:

Nice critics, you're right,it look a bit clumsy when i started but i've improved in the subsequent chapters,about editing, bro larrysun has take over

olanshile2016:
CHAPTER 6
I opened the door and richard came in, I was so scared to the extent that the headache am battling with disappeared.He gave me a piercing gaze that seems to tear my heart apart,after staring at me for about 5secs,I manage to greet him
‘Hi Richard,you are looking for Edwin,right?, but he is not around’.He looked at me and smiled shaking his head
‘Mike,too much of alcohol is not good for a responsible man,I saw you yesterday drinking like a fish with some irresponsible guy’He said
‘No errm,errm,I did not drink annny alcohol’I told him while stammering
‘Anyway let that go with the wind,I came to asked you why you abandon your room’
He asked
‘Actually,I did not abandon my room,I came here to spend time with my friends’I manage to replied him in my shaky voice
‘You came to spending time with your friend or you run away from me’He barked at me
‘No,I did not ran from you o,’
‘I hope you still remembered our discussion and you must see me by 8:00pm in my or rather your room,is that clear? He asked me like he’s talking to his younger bro
‘yes richard I will come’
‘Mind you,you can still report to any security you like even boko haram and I will show the true Richard,Bye,will be expecting you by Eight.He said and left the room
‘Bye’I said faintly
I slumped onto the bed fully confused,I realised that I am covered with sweat,hot sweat for that matter.I was lost in thinking about what is going to happen,will I be able to scale through this hurdle?if I succumbed to his offer,what will dad say?what will mummy say?,how will dad face the congregation,oh my god,what will I do now?, I was still in deep thought when I glanced at the clock,I saw that the time is 2:00,I stood up and went straight to the bathroom to have my bath.After bathing,I looked for food in the house and luckily I found some packaged rice and I took one out of it.When I finished eating,I laid down on the bed,I brought out my phone and dial mummy number
‘Hello micheal,how are you?
‘Am fine ma,’
‘hope there is no problem’She asked, I felt like telling her what is happening but I know she will report at the police station immediately and Richard has already warned me against.
‘No problem ma,just keep praying for me’I said
‘you know am praying for you and will always be praying for you,by the way,why is your voice like this?
‘Nothing,its just that am not well’
‘make sure you visit a doctor for treatment ,or do you want me to come over there’She asked
‘No need,I can take care of my self’
‘alright, take care,bye’She finally said
‘bye’I said and hanged up immediately.The time was around 4:00 when the guys arrived,I told them all that happened when they were away
‘o boy,if you don’t accept his proposal,he can waste you and you have only one option”Edwin said
I was so eager to know what can save me from this devil incarnated Richard that I had to shouted
‘pls Edwin tell me ‘
He looked at the others and they gave him the go ahead look,
'Im afraid mike,the only option for you is to join us'
that is when i got to know that my hommies are also confra guy.O MY GOD,I WAS INDEED BETWEEN THE DEVIL AND THE RAGING RED SEA

. Plz tag me along

na edo state u dey school

nairaschool01:
na edo state u dey school

bro,the story is just my imagination, its a fiction

anniebabe:
. Plz tag me along

alright no problem

olanshile2016:


Nice critics, you're right,it look a bit clumsy when i started but i've improved in the subsequent chapters,about editing, bro larrysun has take over

Contractors, subcontractors et al

baba

olanshile2016:


bro,the story is just my imagination, its a fiction

I tink say u be aro self bt ur orientation no too tight

nairaschool01:
I tink say u be aro self bt ur orientation no too tight

bro,you funny o, is like you be son of odin self

Cogs:
baba

boss

I like this

jtofineme:
I like this

thanks sir,im happy to hear that

nairaschool01:
na edo state u dey school

no, na Rivers

Nice story, add more flesh 2 it.It is getting boring.

U can take us a little away from d campus life.

adetunrayo:
U can take us a little away from d campus life.

nice observation,but remember the tittle and what i said before starting ' the story is about the life of a pastor son IN THE UNIVERSITY
thanks

o.p sey na for every chapter mike dey bath.....
omo, mike too dey bath ooo, abi sey dem born am for bathroom.
nice story bro, #following

mystic70563:
o.p sey na for every chapter mike dey bath.....

omo, mike too dey bath ooo, abi sey dem born am for bathroom.

nice story bro,
#following

dont mind him jare,me sef just notice,infact he no go bath again till the end,on his deathbed

nice 1 Olashile but just make d next 1 more interesting . Ok

Nice write up Olanshile.Do give me a mention and update soon.Please improve on your tenses.Kudos dude.

Enaorosammyiq19:
nice 1 Olashile but just make d next 1 more interesting . Ok

alright my niggar,update gonna roll in tommorrow

tusinsola:
Nice write up Olanshile.Do give me a mention and update soon.Please improve on your tenses.Kudos dude.

thanks sis,everything has been noted

Nice write up bro..pls don't let any one discourage u? I am chilling for ur next post

dreezybines:
Nice write up bro..pls don't let any one discourage u? I am chilling for ur next post

thanks boss, update coming later in the day

nice story, continue am waiting for updates

CHAPTER 19
I was going to lecture the next day when I noticed a small crowd gathering around something, I approached them to feed my eyes only to found out that Scorpion’s corpse was the object of attraction, I looked at the hole the bullet drilled in his forehead covered by flies,it was indeed an horrible sigh. Trust students, they began to say their own unsolicited views
‘ that’s how those cultist usually end, see how he just die like chicken’ a fat girl wearing a tight trouser said as I looked at her scornfully
‘maybe he’s not a cultist o’…………………………’ an agric student I knew wanted to say but was cut short an aggressive dark guy
‘bro, hope you’re not blind, you see tattoo full someone his body and you’re still talking nonsense’
‘shey tattoo na sign……………………’ the agric student was about replying when the siren of police car coming stopped him as he scurried away quickly, I wonder why they are running away, I decided to stay but I remembered that the pistol was still in my bag so I joined them in the race
I entered the scantily filled hall and looked for a comfortable place to sit, I started thinking about everything that has been happening, am sure that Richard would have know that the whole thing was our hand work which mean they are looking for a way to revenge,I am sure that they are already looking out for us, I noticed that the hall was suddenly cold and empty, I looked outside and saw three guys wearing black inside a car and jones was among them, I was alerted as I know that this is an automatic ticket to death, I picked my phone and dialed Charles’s number which rang for about five times without been picked, my fear increased as I heard the sound of the car driving away, I dialed Edwin’s number and luckily for me he picked it up
‘o boy, how far now’ he asked playfully
‘pls edwin, am in the general hall,jones and others are trailing me’
‘no problem am also in the school, wait right there’ he said while I prayed silently hoping he got to me on time.
I crouched beside the window at the back watching out for their arrival, suddenly I saw the car speeding toward the hall, I sat down in defeat cos I know there is no way I can escaped, ‘oh my God, is this the end’ I thought. I brought out my pistol in order to defend my self though I know it will be useless but I resolve to die fighting rather than submit myself cowardly
‘Mike, where are you,come out now’ I heard a voice that nearly make me want to jump out of my skin, I clutched to the gun tightly as the owner of the voice entered the hall

i have dropped another episode
CC
tellemall
,anniebabe
,sirfolabi
,yinks89,
missmossy,
jtofineme
,kingphilip
,tusinsola
,dreezybines
,mystic70563,
adetunrayo,
eosigwe,
nairaschool01
,mospring,
peterpan007
,cogs,
tpave
,lykekelvin,
tunderay
deo7
antonineneutron
igbalodehunter
yhungbrowhne
destiny4fame

I'm with you carry on

Deo7:
I'm with you carry on

thanks bro,i see you

Amazing, I love the suspense, but work on making the update longer Olanshile. Well done my guy.

tunderay:
Amazing, I love the suspense, but work on making the update longer Olanshile. Well done my guy.

observation noted bro,thanks

nice article...keep it coming bro