The Economic crisis in Nigeria has really taken a toll on me. Not only have I been reading financial books but I have even gotten myself acquainted with the voice of the MTN one minute woman. I could repeat her words exactly as she has always been a nuisance to my conversations on phone. It couldn’t get any worse as I have transitioned gradually from a Christian to an Islam faithful eating only once a day and hiding behind the notion that I am fasting. This particular night after such a very hungry day, I decided to cook two cups of beans to satisfy my hunger effectively. I did not even allow the salty beans to get cooked very well before I took it off from the fire because of hunger. I ate the beans void of tomatoes and other necessary ingredients due to the current high market value of spices and slept off immediately.

My small car has remained static in the parking lot since deregulation and I have switched to making use of BRT buses. I felt very strong today maybe because I ate last night and decided to use that energy standing in the BRT bus to get to my destination faster rather than waiting like a patient dog to get a seat on the bus. Everything was going on well as the people in the bus watched the funny episodes shown on television but they seem not to be happy and I knew at that moment that these guys were not the ones to mess with.

Something strange started occurring, I was sweating profusely in a fully air conditioned BRT bus. I could not pinpoint what was wrong exactly. But when I heard some rumbles in my stomach, I knew it was time to answer the call of nature. I held back the incoming fart to avoid embarrassment. I could not hold it any longer as I released it silently. Thankfully, nobody heard or perceived anything. Again, another one came out much more silently but with greater acceleration. It was like I was getting the rewards of my fasting and prayers as nobody seemed to hear or perceive anything yet again.

Only if I was a good student of geography, I would have understood the fact that although flooding might occur silently, it is the deadliest natural disaster surpassing the loud massive earthquakes and volcanic eruptions. I taught there was no problem releasing silent farts as they seem to have no effect. My woes started when I loose guarded to release the third fart. It was the most silent of them all and like a flood it took the volume of the bus and outside its environs. Shockingly, the driver left the staring alone and attempted to jump out of the bus but quick intervention by passengers pleading vigorously prevented what could have been one of the most recorded mass road murder in Nigeria.

From all directions, you could hear different sorts of curses professed in all major Nigerian languages including some minor ones poured out on one man. Both the Christians, Muslims and Traditional worshipers were praying against just this one man. Now, I know the reasons why God cannot answer all our prayers. I used my handkerchief to remove all traces of sweat on my face, blocked my nose tightly with my hands and joined them in cursing to avoid being a suspect. Being well dressed also reduced the traces of being a suspect. Determination made me not to release another fart all through the journey. As I was about alighting from the bus at the bus stop, I could not stomach it anymore as 3 consecutive thunderous earthquake-like farts came out from my big bum. I did not wish to know if I hurt anyone’s feelings as I didn’t look back at the surprised faces that might want to turn me to a pillar of salt. I hissed as I walked freely on the streets happy that I finally answered the call of nature.

beans is one of my favourite food!

Smartanthony:
beans is one of my favourite food!

I love beans too especially bread and ewa goin but I think I would take it now in moderation.