Should I Marry This Man? - Family - Nairaland
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| Should I Marry This Man? by AdaAda1331: 3:47pm On Jul 28, 2016 |
I've been in a relationship for 5 years with a great man; we met very young and we're still in school but almost about to graduate. We love each other and things would be easier if family wasn't involved. His parents are currently divorced and his father, step mother and brother are very difficult people. They are uncompromising and closed minded. His brother has called me selfish and controlling even before the introduction has taken place. I'm currently in my early twenties and I will be graduating as a doctor next year and I'm from a very peaceful home. I have not been wayward during school and I'm a christian. Seeing that his family doesn't see my value is very disappointing to say the least. I expected much more because I know I'm worth much more. When you marry in the Nigerian community, you don't just marry the person, the whole family is involved. I have strong feelings for this man. He has refused to adopt his families negative characteristics. His values and character is more than any mother, future wife or friend can ask for. I'm lucky to have even known him. Now, I'm at crossroads. I've prayed to God and I do have peace, but my parents are telling me to disregard that relationship and move on because of his family. Is it worth it? Is family a rate limiting step to choosing a spouse? How involved are family members in during marriage? Should I move on? 12 Likes |
| Re: Should I Marry This Man? by ferdison(m): 3:53pm On Jul 28, 2016 |
its two ways now.... If u follow ur heart and things turn out bad, ur family will blame u... And if u follow ur family n end up wit anoda person who gives u hell, then u will not forgive ur family.... i advice u pray more, follow ur heart n take counsel from mayb ur pastor....() PS. Who gives shoutout after FTC...?? Only those with Idle hands... Receive miracle jobs...amen 88 Likes 2 Shares |
| Re: Should I Marry This Man? by Prettiepearlz(f): 3:54pm On Jul 28, 2016 |
In my opinion, I would say follow your heart. But I think you should marry him since you said he loves you, you love him, he has a good character a woman would die to have. But why did the brother call you a selfish and controlling person? And what about his real mother? If she loves and accept you, I think you have no problem at all. But think deeply and again I say Follow your heart. 10 Likes |
| Re: Should I Marry This Man? by Cutehector(m): 3:56pm On Jul 28, 2016 |
Pls marry him 6 Likes |
| Re: Should I Marry This Man? by thorpido(m): 4:00pm On Jul 28, 2016 |
If he has shown himself to be someone of exemplary character as you say,I'll say you should give it a chance. One thing I want you to consider is how much independence he has.Does his family control the decisions he makes?Also,if you marry,are you going to live close to them? Prettiepearlz:Answer these questions. 28 Likes 2 Shares |
| Re: Should I Marry This Man? by saintikechi(m): 4:09pm On Jul 28, 2016 |
Leave that guy alone, come and marry me, my parents love doctors. 51 Likes 6 Shares |
| Re: Should I Marry This Man? by eyinjuege: 4:20pm On Jul 28, 2016 |
He is not his family. Is he independent, and makes his own decisions? If yes, abeg marry your man. You guys have dated for long and he sounds like an angel according to you. So carry on, if your values are in tune with each other. I wish you all the best. 15 Likes 3 Shares |
| Re: Should I Marry This Man? by crackhaus: 4:28pm On Jul 28, 2016 |
AdaAda1331:Seems like someone is already laying the foundation for the only-me-and-my-husband kind of marriage. His parents are currently divorced and his father, step mother and brother are very difficult people. They are uncompromising and closed minded. His brother has called me selfish and controlling even before the introduction has taken place.His brother called you selfish and controlling because it was revealed to him in a dream, OR is it because of something you did/how he sees you? I'm currently in my early twenties and I will be graduating as a doctor next year and I'm from a very peaceful home. I have not been wayward during school and I'm a christian. Seeing that his family doesn't see my value is very disappointing to say the least. I expected much more because I know I'm worth much more.Hello Princess, the only people you're worth something to by default is your family and your God...for every other person out there, you will have to earn it. What have you done to prove yourself to his family? When you marry in the Nigerian community, you don't just marry the person, the whole family is involved. I have strong feelings for this man. He has refused to adopt his families negative characteristics. His values and character is more than any mother, future wife or friend can ask for. I'm lucky to have even known him.I'm glad you realize that you just don't marry a man without the involvement of his family. However, don't you think there's a problem somewhere if all you can see in his family are their negative characteristics? Tell us one thing you like about his family, JUST ONE. Now, I'm at crossroads. I've prayed to God and I do have peace, but my parents are telling me to disregard that relationship and move on because of his family. Is it worth it? Is family a rate limiting step to choosing a spouse? How involved are family members in during marriage? Should I move on?Your parents in all their wisdom and at least 20years of experience in marriage have given you their counsel. You have just three choices; 1. Try getting his family to change their opinion about you and see you for the awesome & exemplary person you say you are which shouldn't be too hard if you ask me because character speaks for itself. 2. Forget about what his family thinks, pay no attention to your parents, and please go ahead with the marriage - just remember that you may have succeeded in creating a rift between your man and his family which will ONLY be favorable to you, but NEVER favorable to him in the long run. 3. Move on and find love elsewhere. 220 Likes 21 Shares |
| Re: Should I Marry This Man? by byvan03: 5:18pm On Jul 28, 2016 |
Just don't step into any madness in name of love! 8 Likes |
| Re: Should I Marry This Man? by hopeforcharles(m): 6:06pm On Jul 28, 2016 |
crackhaus:Men I never knew we have beautiful analyatic minds in Nairaland. You are exceptional. Thanks I was actually liking the OP but u opened a facet I never thought about, thank you. 101 Likes 6 Shares |
| Re: Should I Marry This Man? by obiak4(m): 6:22pm On Jul 28, 2016 |
Crackhaus one bottle of olive oil for you if you are a xtian or one crate of champions league for you OP follow and reason with him he has analysed your issues stepwise Earn the family respect they had been his family and would remained so 11 Likes |
| Re: Should I Marry This Man? by Nobody: 6:35pm On Jul 28, 2016 |
Are you 'difficult and contolling" ? As far as I'm concerned that's the only tangible thing you've mentioned you have against them. Perhaps they are only trying protect their brother. Like you said, Nigerian marriages is not just about the immediate family. Maybe they are not worshipping the ground you step on because they realise marriage is not a competition of who is more valuable. . . You will face each other at your best and worst and there's noneed going into it with an air of superiority. If however you feel strongly about them being a thorn in your flesh, I think you need to move on. You can't completely expect a man not to have some sort of influence (no matter how minute) from his family. 10 Likes 2 Shares |
| Re: Should I Marry This Man? by johndwayy(m): 6:44pm On Jul 28, 2016 |
I can see that you are really a Medical student by using the biochemical term 'rate limiting step'  , back to the topic.... Since you have prayed about the issue and you have peace within you, please stay with your man, this will come to pass.3 Likes 1 Share |
| Re: Should I Marry This Man? by AdaAda1331: 8:36pm On Jul 28, 2016 |
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| Re: Should I Marry This Man? by AdaAda1331: 8:43pm On Jul 28, 2016 |
thorpido: He called me selfish and controlling because I called him to settle the long standing problem he's had with his brother and I didn't ask him how he has been doing. I made it my mission to have a relationship with all of his family for the past 5 years, it was a good one, until the guy I'm talking to brought up marriage. They are not happy that they were not the first to know of his intention and I was. Right now, he is starting to be independent. Seeing that he is still in school, financial independence is a struggle. But by God's grace next year, he will be independent. We are not planning to live close. But I want freedom to be able to visit them and vice versa. Ujoan: No one has ever told me I'm difficult and controlling, I think it's the other way around. He speaks to his mother in the same manner and even says if step mother is more of a mother than his real mother will ever be. I didn't take it personal really because his opinions do not speak to my true nature. I see the influence his family has over him and I do appreciate it because he has rejected the negative ones and accepted the positive ones. crackhaus: This is still very possible, but I do know it'll create a rift between him and his family because he will know that'll be the on[/i]ly reason I say no. Ujoan: [i]Please read my above responses. If I was difficult and controlling, they would've brought it up when long ago when I had a relationship with them and warned him. The person I'm wouldn't have stayed for so long and I would've heard some sort of constructive criticism in my 22 years of living. This is stemming from the deep rooted family issues that's being transferred to me since the topic of marriage came up. Thank you to all that have responded so far. I truly appreciate your response. 8 Likes |
| Re: Should I Marry This Man? by AdaAda1331: 8:52pm On Jul 28, 2016 |
His family has been known to have issues, before and after the divorce. The support his family has for him is very conditional to what he can do for them. When the marriage topic came up, they were not pleased that he had made up his mind without their approval and that he had a tentative date of when he will be financially independent after graduation. They did not agree with the tentative date and only see their option of 4 more years of dating as the only viable choice. Because of opposing views, he currently has no support from his family. They are known to take drastic moves to prove their point. He's okay with that and moving forward to graduating. This has nothing to do with me or my character. I know I'm still a work in progress but I do listen to counsel unlike his family that nothing else but their opinions matter. It's their family motto; they said it themselves. The only reason I even included my career path is because that's what most Nigerians are usually focused on unfortunately to determine your worth. It's a good thing some of of you don't regard that as being the end all be all. Please take this into consideration before replying. I just need to know if I should follow my head or my heart. I know love itself cannot sustain a marriage. 11 Likes |
| Re: Should I Marry This Man? by Richy4(m): 9:28pm On Jul 28, 2016 |
Please I have to ask a question here and do not feel offended because we all are deliberating on the best solution.... <<<<What was it that turn the family off when ever they see you? have you thought about that? <<<<Do you see yourself as the best thing since sliced bread? just asking because any one that studied literature in English in high school will know that we were told to read between the lines.....and notice the author's tone and use of words... I saw briefly in your write up when u mentioned about your value..that they do not know your value....If U have been introduced then u might talk about yourself worth...Don't u think it is too early to be acting like the best thing that happened after christ? If you really like the guy, maybe your ticket might be a little humility toward the parent...your write up kind of shows that you were the one calling the shots in that relationship. i might be wrong though but sit down and think a little about what your future inlaws like about you or hated about u 13 Likes |
| Re: Should I Marry This Man? by AdaAda1331: 9:53pm On Jul 28, 2016 |
Richy4: Thank you for your response. Again, I mentioned that the only reason that I mentioned my career path is because that's mostly what nigerians look at when it comes to marriage. I thought that would be relatable. I don't call the shots, they don't actually hate me. His brother just called me names because I didn't ask how his move was. If it sounds ridiculous here, it is because that was the sole reason. Thing is my family is not the only one that's worried about this union. All our close family friends, priest, godmother, are all worried about me entering the family, they don't think I should enter the on-going family drama. The reason I put the don't see my worth is because it has been implied by his father with no concrete reason. I have a lot to work on, I know that, I'm not the best but I know I'm not the worst as they point me out to be. I'm still young and I'm open to change. But I DO know that I come from a good family, I'm a child after God's heart and I'm trying my best to prepare a good future for my future children. 12 Likes |
| Re: Should I Marry This Man? by Richy4(m): 11:05pm On Jul 28, 2016 |
The thing is that everyone is worried about u entering into that family....and your fear is heightened because of that....which is understandable...... But What if this guy was your soul mate? the one that was meant for u, Are u gonna ignore him or call it off because of what was not his making? He did not asked to be born in a home full of baggage... You know he is a good guy, if he wasn't, i do not think we will be discussing him... Honestly the whole ball is in your court either To follow your heart and be a star in in that family/ the voice of reason or act on your own family's fear 5 Likes 1 Share |
| Re: Should I Marry This Man? by AdaAda1331: 11:18pm On Jul 28, 2016 |
Richy4: You have it exactly right. That's why I'm on this forum. I know you all can't make the decision for me but I'm having second thoughts if this is something I'll immensely regret doing/not doing. I had an idea about his family behavior but it never directly affected me until now that I'm being attacked. I know God wouldn't want me to make a decision out of fear but I'm still on the fence if this is also God's way of telling me to run. I see the fire now before marriage and me saying yes will be me putting my hand in it. I don't know if that's wise. 1 Like |
| Re: Should I Marry This Man? by toksbisola: 11:53pm On Jul 28, 2016 |
@OP; what I’m going to say first might come out a bit harsh but permit me as no offence and hope none taken. Young lady, it’s not rocket science for one to deduce the tone in your write-up as commanding (you might not have intended for it to be that way). Any wonder why your BF's brother mentioned that you’re controlling? Sometimes, we might not even know we have certain character flaws until it’s pointed out to us and when that occurs, all we need to do is work on them rather than being defensive (Not saying you are). Just had to mention this first before I made my comment . That said let’s move on swiftly. My question to you would be are you prepared to fight this battle? Best believe, family have their own influence. Some men are able to put their family at arms length in connection to their intending spouse/partner (especially if their family don't like them) whilst some struggle to do that. The question is which category does your man fall into? Another thing I noticed in your write-up which is a bit worrying is your not having complementary words to say about your man’s family? Ok see your own quotes below; His father, step mother and brother are very difficult people. They are uncompromising and closed minded. Seeing that his family doesn't see my value is very disappointing to say the least. I expected much more because I know I'm worth much more. Oh please give me a break. So far, you’ve described your family as a peaceful one, but only negative so far about your intended in-laws; WHY? Is it because there is nothing positive to say about this family? I’m a bit taken aback as this is the family you intend to marry into hence, look for positive things to say about them. How does your man feel about this on-going saga of non acceptance between you and his family? It’s going to be a hard nut for you to crack. I’ll strictly tell you that if you’re marrying into a family that don’t like you, you might encounter problems for a long while to come (I might be right as well as wrong) but only time will tell. I have seen some women toil this part and some have been married for years and their in-laws still never liked them despite them even having children in the union. Think very well and hard if you are up for that struggle and if you are, then all well and good; follow your heart but note that love is not enough as you yourself have attested to the fact that you’re not only marrying your man but you're also marrying his family. Are you ready to be uncomfortable among your intended in-laws for a long while to come? Bear in mind that assumptions may be made when problems arise, and the in-laws will tell your man we told you so; as your family are not giving you the go ahead either they might also say we told you so as well. Your parents are already seeing the problems that may occur and giving you the warning signs to move on but they might be right as well as wrong. Only you can make that final decision as they can only give guidance but the decision stops at your door step as only you will be in that marital home. I’ll strongly suggest you try and iron this unlikeness between you and your intended in-laws before you take the final “I DO” step as MARRIAGE IS NOT A BED OF ROSES. As a saying goes "If you can’t stand the heat get out of the kitchen". Think very carefully before you make your decision on whether you'll go ahead with him or find someone else. DON'T IGNORE THE SIGNS. I rest my case 44 Likes 5 Shares |
| Re: Should I Marry This Man? by OYINBOGOJU(m): 5:01am On Jul 29, 2016 |
hopeforcharles: I see this post as sincere expression from a sincere man @Crackhaus opened our eyes to the opposite side of the story #Alwaysappreciate 2 Likes |
| Re: Should I Marry This Man? by hopeforcharles(m): 6:11am On Jul 29, 2016 |
OYINBOGOJU:yeah bro. Very Sincere post. He so has mutiple point that should not be over looked. |
| Re: Should I Marry This Man? by Nobody: 6:39am On Jul 29, 2016 |
It's been long I advised someone on Nairaland but I will do that today... . It's good u have already known the FAMILY before hand, and u have concluded that it's a family u can't put up with nor manage despite the GUY'S rousing character.. . .... When u visit the markets to buy things, u don't COMPROMISE rather u make choices and ur choices are usually the best. ........ Now apply it here, NEVER..! NEVER..!! NEVER....!!! COMPROMISE in a serious relationship because if u are given same opportunity to choose between Bugatti and Toyota, u will always go for Bugatti. ..... IF u can do this for an ORDINARY MATERIAL THING, never try it when it comes to LIFE TIME COMMITTMENT. I have left countless LADIES because of compatibility and still ready to do more before marriage because my family and I hate DIVORCE. Compatibility is far better than an Incompatible Prayer warrior.... ... ...... quote me anywhere .. .... . I know it is not easy for the LADIES especially when u have loved the man, but u have to try 11 Likes 1 Share |
| Re: Should I Marry This Man? by Onegai(f): 7:51am On Jul 29, 2016 |
AdaAda1331: I don't think you should get married to him, just yet. Because you're not ready. And as for his Family being crazy, puhlease, half of everyone's extended family can redefine crazy (someone once forbade his entire family from attending his brother's wedding. Imagine not one sibling showing up to your wedding. Awkward!). Another married a Simpering Miss, who once she started having problems with her hubby, proceeded to blame his mum, sisters, his brothers (none of them even knew they were having issues), moved out of the house and told everyone they threw her out (they only found out 4 weeks later that she had moved out) and her lies got so stupid even when there was video evidence disproving it, but it causes friction between the husband and his mother and siblings. Yeah, crazy. So, what is happening to you sometimes happens to a lot of people. But you are not ready or matured enough to handle it. Someone said something over the phone and you're already panicking. What happens when they say it to your face? You can't comport yourself to smile and keep a straight face to make them wonder if you give a shi.t And your family and friends know you. So they know you're not ready. That's why they're telling you to run for the hills. Your degree and your relationship with God and your value doesn't make you ready to handle marriage, it's your People Skills that decide the quality of your marriage. Think I'm making that up? Out of all my friends and former classmates, the more Christian and "good" the women more, well, the more likely they ended up Single mothers, divorced or not even married. I'm talking 15 years later from when I met them. So, yeah. Let your man settle himself, financially and emotionally. And you learn some People Skills. Before saying "I do" to anyone. 24 Likes 2 Shares |
| Re: Should I Marry This Man? by thorpido(m): 8:36am On Jul 29, 2016 |
AdaAda1331:Op,I wouldn't say you are controlling but you appear a bit forward from the tone of your comments here(I do not intend to criticise you but just to point out an area you will need to work on).It's a good thing to want to mediate in a family where there are issues but you will need to step back in such situations,you're not their family head.If you decide to be involved,let it just be in cases where you are called. From your name Ada,you're a first daughter,probably first born and brilliant so you subconsciously dominate.Just let it not be shown in other people's affairs. Take note of Toksbisola's comments and onegai's too.You need people skills. Step back a bit from this whole situation.Don't worry about the marriage and pay more attention to your studies.Maintain the relationship with your man but use the time re-evaluate the relationship. You don't have to be in a rush for marriage,you're still young. 15 Likes |
| Re: Should I Marry This Man? by hopeforcharles(m): 12:31pm On Jul 29, 2016 |
AdaAda1331:If can call you names right in ur face I can see this is serious. U really have to have a thorough thought about you going into a marriage cohabitation with him, now that he hasn't seen ur worst he is like this when he sees it he will beat u up then, |
| Re: Should I Marry This Man? by bibijay123(f): 12:42pm On Jul 29, 2016 |
| Re: Should I Marry This Man? by AdaAda1331: 3:15pm On Jul 29, 2016 |
Thank you for all of your responses, I honestly appreciate each of them. Your responses are very similar to my mother's, my brother, his mother and other of my family members. Very different and very honest. Someone above mentioned that I should treat this as a car sale. You're actually on to something. I still see this in a similar way but not totally. In my mind, he's a Lamborghini but that doesn't mean it's the only Lamborghini I'll see. Alot of you gave constructive criticism that I may be controlling or I should be mature and I don't have people's skills. I understand that as well. I haven't dismissed my opportunity of growth. I know there's still a lot for me to learn. I also understand that its what youve been able to decipher from my short message. Understand though that I'm not affected by his brother calling me names. I actually laughed when I heard it unintentionally. I didnt take it personal because I knew it wasn't coming from a place of constructive criticism but just plain criticism. My parents are the ones in disbelief, that I haven't even done the introduction but his family are already calling me unnecessary names out of spite. I made the decision last week to end the relationship. I came on here to see if I did it with the right mindset and heart and I know I did now because I have peace. My point of view is to allow things to run its course. I'll focus on my graduating next year as I have been and I've told him to do the same. Nothing stays the same, I know we will both come out of this. I don't know what will end up happening, but I've decided not to focus on that. 5 Likes |
| Re: Should I Marry This Man? by crackhaus: 4:32pm On Jul 29, 2016 |
hopeforcharles:You're far too kind, welcome bro... 3 Likes |
| Re: Should I Marry This Man? by crackhaus: 4:36pm On Jul 29, 2016 |
obiak4:Lol, olive oil?  I consider myself a Christian, but I love my liquor mehn... life's too short to be drinking only malt and juice.  5 Likes |
| Re: Should I Marry This Man? by crackhaus: 5:14pm On Jul 29, 2016 |
AdaAda1331:You can't do anything to improve whatever relationship he has with his family, especially now that they don't even like you - it will only get worse once you force yourself on them...but if for some inexplicable reason your bf is ready to go against them on your behalf, then y'all can sing your Kumbaya as you both walk down the aisle. Just remember that there will be a lot of I told you so coming from both his family and yours if the going gets tough. I don't need to prove myself to anyone. I've loved him and his family and that's all it should be. I don't owe anyone anything.*Cough* *Clears throat* *Cough*  I His parents are wise in some matters. I've appreciated their advise when it was given. They know this because I've told them this.Let me guess, his parents are wise ONLY when their opinion makes you giddy. On the occasion of them not wanting you to become a part of their family, their wisdom in the matter becomes inconclusive because you don't agree with it. It's funny how you've concluded that I haven't done everything I could. There has been long standing family issues in this family, I was just unaware, this is what his mother told me recently. No matter what character you possess, not everyone will see your worth.Me? Conclude? Girl have you been reading your comments about his family so far, you coming off as someone that doesn't even want to dobalé. If there has been long-standing issues in that family, I wonder what you're even still looking for inside there. However like I said before, if your man is ready to ride that storm with you, then Kumbaya...  I'm not the cause of this new rift, it's just another piled on top of many others.There's a fire on the mountain. This is still very possible, but I do know it'll create a rift between him and his family because he will know that'll be the only reason I say no.Not to burst your bubble, but I think he'll get over you eventually should you decide to scram. 6 Likes 1 Share |
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