@OP [Babztemmy]

Take your time and read this. It might help you a lot.

(Dedicated to my sweetheart.)

My oldest daughter, Jenna, recently said to me, “My greatest fear as a child was that you and mom would get divorced. Then, when I was twelve, I decided that you fought so much that maybe it would be better if you did.” Then she added with a smile. “I’m glad you guys figured things out.”

For years my wife Keri and I struggled. Looking back, I’m not exactly sure what initially drew us together, but our personalities didn’t quite match up. And the longer we were married the more extreme the differences seemed. Encountering “fame and fortune” didn’t make our marriage any easier. In fact, it exacerbated our problems. The tension between us got so bad that going out on book tour became a relief, though it seems we always paid for it on re-entry. Our fighting became so constant that it was difficult to even imagine a peaceful relationship. We became perpetually defensive, building emotional fortresses around our hearts. We were on the edge of divorce and more than once we discussed it.

I was on book tour when things came to a head. We had just had another big fight on the phone and Keri had hung up on me. I was alone and lonely, frustrated and angry. I had reached my limit. That’s when I turned to God. Or turned on God. I don’t know if you could call it prayer–maybe shouting at God isn’t prayer, maybe it is–but whatever I was engaged in I’ll never forget it. I was standing in the shower of the Buckhead, Atlanta Ritz-Carlton yelling at God that marriage was wrong and I couldn’t do it anymore. As much as I hated the idea of divorce, the pain of being together was just too much. I was also confused. I couldn’t figure out why marriage with Keri was so hard. Deep down I knew that Keri was a good person. And I was a good person. So why couldn’t we get along? Why had I married someone so different than me? Why wouldn’t she change?

Finally, hoarse and broken, I sat down in the shower and began to cry. In the depths of my despair powerful inspiration came to me. You can’t change her, Rick. You can only change yourself. At that moment I began to pray. If I can’t change her, God, then change me. I prayed late into the night. I prayed the next day on the flight home. I prayed as I walked in the door to a cold wife who barely even acknowledged me. That night, as we lay in our bed, inches from each other yet miles apart, the inspiration came. I knew what I had to do.

The next morning I rolled over in bed next to Keri and asked, “How can I make your day better?”

Keri looked at me angrily. “What?”

“How can I make your day better?”

“You can’t,” she said. “Why are you asking that?”

“Because I mean it,” I said. “I just want to know what I can do to make your day better.”

She looked at me cynically. “You want to do something? Go clean the kitchen.”

She likely expected me to get mad. Instead I just nodded. “Okay.” I got up and cleaned the kitchen.

The next day I asked the same thing. “What can I do to make your day better?”

Her eyes narrowed. “Clean the garage.”

I took a deep breath. I already had a busy day and I knew she had made the request in spite. I was tempted to blow up at her. Instead I said, “Okay.” I got up and for the next two hours cleaned the garage. Keri wasn’t sure what to think.

The next morning came. “What can I do to make your day better?”

“Nothing!” she said. “You can’t do anything. Please stop saying that.”

“I’m sorry,” I said. “But I can’t. I made a commitment to myself. What can I do to make your day better?”

“Why are you doing this?”

“Because I care about you,” I said. “And our marriage.”

The next morning I asked again. And the next. And the next. Then, during the second week, a miracle occurred. As I asked the question Keri’s eyes welled up with tears. Then she broke down crying. When she could speak she said, “Please stop asking me that. You’re not the problem. I am. I’m hard to live with. I don’t know why you....

..... Continue from here.

http://www.richardpaulevans.com/index.php/2015/02/09/saved-marriage/

Pls don't give up. You can only change yourself but not your husband.

Good luck.

Bless u for being so honest. Cus u have a previous issue previous nite u didn't greet ur hubby following morning. In a joke u called your hubby ode and u expect to have have a happy home. Obviously u are from a less decent background cus a well brought wife will not even in a joke called her hubby,ode.u beta let change begins with u before they throw u out. U neva get pickin, I guess.

Babztemmy:
I have being married for 5years and sadly I still dont feel so close to my husband. I got the bible says when two come together they become one. That is that become friends, right? But sadly it doesn't feel like it. My hubby is the kind that likes FULL time respect; greet me when you wake up in the morning, great me when I come back from work, (yes wives please greet your hubbys oo) am heading somewhere with this please dont judge me yet, don't go out without telling me, don't put your hands in my pocket, what are you looking for, don't talk .

While am talking (that is even understandable tho) many more I can't mention. Don't tap me on my shoulders if you want to talk to me, don't, don't, don't.

He also isn't romantic, he hates me been romantic around him, it gets him upset. Its been 4years plus and we still argue ALOT. I thought they said the first 3years is the time of misunderstandings but its 4years now and still nothing has really changed.

Sometimes i try to make him talk maybe am not doing something right, and he just always seems to find a fault. Either I don't have respect or I don't have respect or I don't obey him everything calls to respect. Well it's not like I don't respect him or I just wake up in the morning and start disrespecting him. No, it's always in the cause of an argument so while am trying to justify myself or win the case, the disrespect sorts of crops it's way in, but fews hours later you will see me back all over him, trying to make peace but by then I have lost all my worth. He is way closer to his mum and sister than even to me. He prefers to Share all his secrets with them than with me.

Last two weeks was like the saddest day of my life in this marriage journey. He bought a car for his mum, he didn't tell me, the car slept in the house over night I didn't know, on my way back from my outing I saw my hubby in a new car driving down with his mum, In amazement I came down to ask whose car it was and how come I was kept in the dark, then his mum said "it's my car didn't you know?" I felt like a stranger all over again. I called his mum on the phone few mins after I left the embarrasing scene to ask why her son didn't share the good news to me knowing fully well i'm not against him buying her a car. And she said my husband said i didn't greet my hubby the night before and also that morning. Yes I remeber not greeting him the night before cause we had little issue and i just thought to do small shakara, then my not greeting him that morning wasn't intentional, I even apologised immediately my husband cautioned me and I thought we were fine. But I guess we weren't. This is where friendship comes in marriage. No matter what your partner does( as long as it's not adultery or some other serious things I know some women can do.) I feel you should still be able to still give her the respect due. Abi I really wish out vind could grow stronger, it's bin 4years and my hubby doenst know my dress size, or shoe size or favorite artist or favourite food, my choice of music, my choice of anything, he hardly laughs at my joke, I can't tickle him or throw a pillow at him he will term it as lack of repect, I can't call him "ode"while joking he will say am rude, It's plenty ooo. I thought marriage was more you both becoming friends. Don't you think life is too short to be rigid ALL the time. My husband is very rigid it scares me alot if I would be able to go on for long.. I love him very much than anything in the world but he doesn't feel that way or that much for me. Not like he doesn't love me. But I think I love him more. So we are probably not on the same page. i want to be the one he can run to anyday anytime, share his secrets with, want to be the one that has the power to put the best smile on his face, but each time i try, i fail. WHY?? Is there still hope.

Anyone in the house who has testimonies of marriage getting better after 4years. Cause i feel if you fail the first 3years you may never get it right. Mhen ladies you got to get it RIGHT from the beginning to avoid stories..

Some of the description of your husband sits well with me even though I feel he is overdoing things. I have had the privilege to evaluate why people are like that.

- He is a product of his environment and he has seen too many problems due to the absence of authority and respect
- He is a lover of duty, and he will do so much to make sure failure is not from his side, this takes a toll on character.
- His sense of duty superseded the desire for romance especially when you know how romance often become a tool for manipulation
- He values the future of his family more than the enjoyment of the moment. this too is a fallacy since he is not a God, but sorry you cant convince him
- I think the fear of failure drives this man to pursue a specific status relentlessly, he is unlikely to change until the vanity upon vanity years set in. I talk from experience.

If you must change him, the only feasible path is to give him an overdose of what he wants. pay the price to satisfy his due process demand for an extended period, then you will see him tip over and actually dislike those things to the point of renouncing them.
The danger here is that you will have absorbed a lot of those characters in the process and role switch may set in.

Overall the easiest thing to do is to leave things as it is and understand that that is him for you. those men can be faithful and you can almost ignore the things that other romantic husbands put their wives through.

Cheers