Real Story Of A Distressed Single Mum - Family - Nairaland
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| Real Story Of A Distressed Single Mum by Lillypearl: 1:23pm On Sep 19, 2016 |
I'm not new to nairaland but had to open a new account to share this anonymously. I'm prompted to narrate my story which is as real as the word real because the one thing that matters to me is suffering cause of me. My daughter of one year three months is sick. She suddenly developed this crazy seizure that has gradually grown to become more frequent despite medical attention. A little about myself. I was raised as an only child by my mum as my parents separated before my third birthday. Mum was highly overprotective & worked hard that i never lacked the basic needs of life but as a result of my family setup which was just i & mum i grew up having no male figure over me to answer to. I developed an indifferent view about men as well as a strong opinion about what i felt about life generally. My days as an undergraduate in unilag, i wasn't really influenced by trends but had a few relationships that were short lived for reasons i can only look back & conclude were inevitable. Fast forward two years after service, working in the same average firm i did my nysc in delta state, in a long distance relationship with a friend of the family for one year eight months and finally settling down about two years ago. Had to leave work & move back to lagos to live with my husband. To go straight to the point, after some months my family wasn't just working, with my husband using words like unyielding, adamant & unbending to describe me while on my own i concluded he's was a plain dictator and tyrant. Lots of embarrassing fights finally led to our separation with me going back home with our then nine months baby. My mum tried to talk me back but i just had my way as usual. Fast forward to today, i deliberately lost contact with my husband and can't even reach him again. Looking back, looking at others & looking at my daughter, something tells me i contributed to my situation perhaps from my upbringing. Perhaps the absence of a father denied me the opportunity to know the role of the husband and my role as a wife, it's clear i lacked the know-how and commitment to keep a relationship. As difficult as it is to admit which is why i ditched my known moniker to share this, I'll say i have no life presently. With my daughter's situation helplessly staring at me, no family life, no career life, no spiritual life and not even a spiritual family to run to as I've quite been unstable belonging to any church. Apart from my mum & a few family members which have been trying thier best, The Internet and it's faceless users are sincerely the only people readily accessible in these times. The need to have a normal family to confront life's challenges especially my daughter's issue is overwhelming. Probably a better family structure would have averted or served a better platform to face this challenge. I've lost contact with my husband & can't even muster the effort to locate him or his family after separating the way we did. The financial, emotional and physical burden is draining and something i didn't envisage. We just got back from the hospital on admission and i must confess i'm really exhausted. I don't even know what the future holds. Matured minds, please what's options should i explore? My kind of person, there are very few people i can confide in. I also need a job to ease the financial burden. I should never have been in this position. It's saddening. |
| Re: Real Story Of A Distressed Single Mum by Nobody: 2:15pm On Sep 19, 2016 |
Its never too late retrace ur step back to d right path..my sincere advise madam is u do so find a good church not all these quick miracle centers & study the word i believe it applies to wtv we r facing today. First go close to God and the rest will follow & stop blaming ur upbringing take responsibility for ur actions which got u here and don't worry over things u can't control. Try to get in touch with ur husband blv me or not he misses u too if not for your sake for d sake of d child u both share..remove ur pride or shame or wtv and get in touch with the family if need be.Its all in ur hands now and always remember wtv u do u r doing for ur daughter & ur mom knows what she was saying when she advised u to go back to him...u dont have to put ur daughter thru what u went thru..its up to u to break jinx ur daughter deserves better pls. I wish u all d best 3 Likes |
| Re: Real Story Of A Distressed Single Mum by soonest(f): 4:12pm On Sep 19, 2016 |
So sorry about your little daughter and the situation you've found yourself. What started your daughter's seizure? A fall, protracted fever, difficult birth? You need a hospital good in neurology to manage her well. For your situation, is there room for reconciliation? Why don't you try to get his number first and see what can be salvaged from the relationship if not for you, for your daughter's sake. I like how you have evaluated your life and seen your shortcomings. Learn from this and work on yourself so that you don't repeat the same mistake if nature throws you a second chance. Dust up your certificate and look for a job. May God help me land something good. The money will go a long way. All the best |
| Re: Real Story Of A Distressed Single Mum by Nobody: 4:54pm On Sep 19, 2016 |
@Lillypearl , I dont understand you. Are you lamenting about the hardship you're going through ? Or the regret of separating from your husband? Or The health of your child ? Or You need a Job 8 Likes |
| Re: Real Story Of A Distressed Single Mum by sexymoma(f): 5:12pm On Sep 19, 2016 |
Madam... i must confess, i really feel for you buh truth be told, your daught will still ask of his father one day, put that at the back of your mind even if her father is a monster she'll surely ask of her father. i think you should let her mingle with her mates, throw a small dinner party jos for your kid, ask your neighbors around to bring their kids etc...don't get me wrong ain't saying you should spend lotta money ooo.. then try to locate your kid's papa, madam do it now while you can, when she grows up you won't find it easy ooo seriously. Try get a job, from what you wrote, i bliv you are a graduate, and pls jos try to make your kid happy.... play silly do silly things.. jos make sure you make her smile everyday let that be your duty.... i didn't wanna blame cos you already did... pls don't let your kid grow to have same bliv about family life. pls ma'm |
| Re: Real Story Of A Distressed Single Mum by sisisioge: 7:26pm On Sep 19, 2016 |
Hmmmm, at least now you see where the issues are thus can easily work on them. I can just imagine how much of a concrete wall you were, must have been spoilt rotten. By the way, your background might have contributed to your past behaviour, its not the definer. In my opinion, a child that watched her single mother struggle to bring her up should crave a functional family more. And work at it. Anyways, you have a good excuse to retrace your step now that your baby is sick...bend your knees for your ex if he's worth it. Find him and make amends...if he's worth it. Let me add Pele...Pele baby...I can imagine the weariness of your shoulders. Pele...don't do it alone. Just get in touch with him. There can't be more than three people in between you and him now, take the first step dear. Good luck. 1 Like |
| Re: Real Story Of A Distressed Single Mum by Onegai(f): 8:04pm On Sep 19, 2016 |
Lillypearl, I knew a child who also started having seizures. It does happens to babies and they actually sell the medicine for it here. I don't want to mention it here to avoid you attempting to self-medicate. However, tell your present doctor to refer you to LUTH or UCH. You need a Consultant Pediatrician who will refer you to a Neurologist. They need to diagnose what's wrong. I think you should get on Facebook and locate your husband. Send him a simple message: "Hello I hope you've been well. I'm sorry for cutting off all contact, I felt it was the best way to handle our situation at that time. However, there is something going on now: our out daughter is sick. She's getting treatment. I wanted to inform you so you could decide if you would like to visit her and check up on her. We will not discuss our marriage but please let us focus on being good parents for her during this trying time. I'll understand if you need a bit of time to understand what's going on but this is not the time for us to argue or trade blame. Thanks". Don't ask for money, when he comes around, then share your concerns about her medical bills only and accept that afterwards if he does pay towards her upkeep, he gets to visit her and spend time with her. As for marriage, you need to sit down and look inward: how could I have done things better, what am I willing to do and what can I accept and what can I change and where are my boundaries? Do I need to be slower to anger and rashness, do I need to speak up when need be and be concise, do I need to be more conciliatory, do I need to be firmer on some things and learn how to communicate better my needs, do I need to learn how to be more understanding and cut him a break? Those are questions that have answers that must come from within. It may never work with him, but at least you owe it to yourself to make you a better person so you can be a better mother. If along the way, he brings up a reconciliation, ask him what he wants from a marriage and explain what you want. All the best. 11 Likes |
| Re: Real Story Of A Distressed Single Mum by belamour(m): 8:16pm On Sep 19, 2016 |
Onegai: God Bless You!!! Op Please Do Take Note Of Every Word On Here It Would Definitely Yield Positively. |
| Re: Real Story Of A Distressed Single Mum by Ishilove: 8:30pm On Sep 19, 2016 |
Tritri:All of the above. Lilypearl, you didn't marry a ghost. You married into a family, and truth be told the man is your girl's father, so he deserves to know how his child is faring. Are you saying you don't even know where his family is? You didn't marry akudaya so stop the blame game and shape up 3 Likes |
| Re: Real Story Of A Distressed Single Mum by DozieInc(m): 9:21pm On Sep 19, 2016 |
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| Re: Real Story Of A Distressed Single Mum by wonderfulchild: 10:16pm On Sep 19, 2016 |
Pls,the earlier you let the father know about the health of his child,the better for you.,because human life is involved here.Though I pray seriously that your innocent daughter will get well soon. Who knows? Maybe ,God will use this medium to restore ur marriage. Meanwhile,in another news,its very important that individuals acquaint themselves with all the rudiments of marriage before venturing into it.Most people just get married ,without knowing the exact roles they re expected to play as the husband or the wife.Its very important to attend marriage seminars,read books on marriage,and back them up with fervent prayers,when embarking on marriage institution.inorder to know how to tolerate and handle some challenges,when they come up. OP,if possible,meet with the pastor of your church ,to help you in prayers. Then,meet any member of ur husband's family that he respects,to help you out,if your husband proves a bit difficult listening to your pleas. I wish you goodluck. Shalom |
| Re: Real Story Of A Distressed Single Mum by eyinjuege: 10:18pm On Sep 19, 2016 |
Does your child have seizures only when she's having a high fever? She may outgrow that with time. She needs to be seen regularly in clinic by a paediatric neurologist. You do need to get in touch with the child's father, and keep him updated about his daughter's health. It's the right thing to do. You sound depressed and overwhelmed. Try and socialise a bit more, and talk to people. You can also involve yourself in some charity or volunteer work in charity homes around. You can get to share your challenges and difficulties with support groups if there are any around you. Your problems won't sound so bad when you share, and also when you hear what others are going through. The paediatric clinic is one of such places, where you can meet mothers with similar issues, and get to encourage yourselves. |
| Re: Real Story Of A Distressed Single Mum by Nobody: 10:39pm On Sep 19, 2016 |
Even of you didn't have your father around growing up you must have at least had male friends and uncles and cousins and such na, abi? It's not the absence of your father that made you this way, it's simply who you are. From your story I can't even tell who is at fault for your separation whether it's you or your husband but whatever the case, you seem like you are not really happy about your separation. Consider getting back together with him (if your reasons for separating can be overlooked and forgotten), let both families intervene and you can appeal to him with the child you have as a reason to reunite the family. You seem to be having a really hard time as a single mum that is why I am advising you to give reconciliation with your child's father another chance. Better to raise her under a stable environment where both of you can contribute positively than for you to raise her with a dejected broken, unmotivated spirit. 1 Like |
| Re: Real Story Of A Distressed Single Mum by thorpido(m): 10:47pm On Sep 19, 2016 |
Onegai:Lillypearl,Onegai has said everything.Take your child to a teaching hospital so you can see a consultant paediatrician/neurologist and you wouldn't have to spend a lot of money(except time). Look for your hubby,search facebook,look for mutual friends,reach out mainly because of your daughter. Your background may have contributed to how your marriage turned out and the fact that it was a long distance relationship but you can take an introspective look at yourself and see how you can improve as a person. |
| Re: Real Story Of A Distressed Single Mum by Chubhie: 10:49pm On Sep 19, 2016 |
You MUST swallow the humble pie and reach out to the father of your daughter. Can't you see a pattern? Your daughter must never be allowed to experience same thing as mother and grandma! You must sacrifice like a true mother for your daughter! We all make mistakes but our ability to learn from them and become better is wisdom. Work on yourself and change things that are obstructing you from being the best of you that nobody can resist. Read books and listen to audio tapes from the best and adopt a spiritual practice that works for you. All the very best. |
| Re: Real Story Of A Distressed Single Mum by Lillypearl: 10:58pm On Sep 19, 2016 |
Thanks everyone for the wonderful advices and encouragement, they have gone a long way. Some of them are spot on, It's clear no one knows it all. I am optimistic my daughter will get over this, however i must admit it's not been easy facing this alone, her dad isn't even aware of this yet which i owe a part to. I'm willing to implement some of your candid advices and take another shot at managing my family not just for my sake but also that of this little innocent girl. I just hope it's not too late 2 Likes 1 Share |
| Re: Real Story Of A Distressed Single Mum by baby124: 2:02am On Sep 20, 2016 |
Don't expect that your husband will still be available and single. Just make sure he is present in her life. Truly you were not thinking of your daughter when you ran away with her and cut off all contact with her father. You were punishing him and punishing your daughter. Who knows if all these illnesses is even as a result of the tension, anger and anxiety she sensed in her very young life when you both were together. As long as the father is not sexually, emotionally and physically abusivr to the child, why alienate her  You have to change and work on yourself a lot. Life must not always go your way. Even if you both cannot be together, she must have a relationship with her father. A healthy one that does not involve your manipulation or control... Reach out to him with no expectations, just a role in his child's life.1 Like |
| Re: Real Story Of A Distressed Single Mum by cococandy(f): 5:27am On Sep 20, 2016 |
Are you blaming your daughter's illness on your single status. This thread seems like something cooked up by one of those members of the anti-single moms squad to try make it seem like anyone who's a single mom is living in misery. There's nothing embarrassing about this story that you couldn't have shared with you real moniker except you're the above mentioned. If you're for real though, first thing you have to know is that if you don't have a handle on your life, getting married won't necessarily make it better. It might even complicate it more. You don't have a career? You think being married is a gateway for career openings? If anything it might limit you depending on who you marry? You don't have a spiritual life? Marriage can be a distraction from that. Just so you know. Now is when you have the perfect opportunity to pursue those things without marital duties weighing down on you at the same time. Get married for genuine companionship not the things you're lamenting about on your post. Marriage won't solve those for you. 2 Likes |
| Re: Real Story Of A Distressed Single Mum by George22016(m): 8:38pm On Sep 20, 2016 |
I know you guys will not believe me but this is scam I assure you. |
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