BIG FAT LIE!

shortgun:

I know many of you won't like it but that's the truth.
since the bird has learned to fly without perching the hunter should also learn to shoot without missing.

Men like the OP is reason why women like that exists.
I blame him in all of this cos he has done all the don'ts in marriage and he is paying d consequences.
When a woman knows that there is nothing about you she doesn't know you are done for.

Nothing interests her about you anymore, there are no tasks for her, you are not giving her any challenges, there are no surprises, she knows how much you are worth, she knows where u r every minute of d day, she know how you think ...... you become boring to you

Women naturally are made to nurture.....when you become a perfect man....she will lose interest.

My sister, God go bless u. @Op, lemme tell u some of d reasons i deny my husband sex too. My husband is ONLY romantic when he wants to have sex. U cant rest ur head on his shoulder, he wld complain dt he has gone to work since monrning and wants to rest. If he allows u to rest on him then he wld ask for sex. He WONT play wt me unless it wl end wt sex. He wld always excuse himself frm taking care of our child saying sebi he is d 1 providing d basic needs. He doesnt slp in d same room wt me nd my baby unless he wants to av me.......So, i always feel being used. We have nt attended a party together as a family since 2yrs dt we got married, he wld say our baby wld b dosturbing wt cry cry.......so all ds has reduced my libido entirely. When i tried talking to him abt it, he wld say im an ingrate, he is providing money and i stl want him to assist wt chores. When i tell family members, they wld say i shd go nd pray..........So, @Op, everytin is nt money o, women want to b re-assures that they are loved. Sometimes u take her(only) out for dinner and d likes just to rekindle ur love

Iamhatey:
[b]Well, check yourself out bro.


How romantic are you
Are you only romantic when you want to have sex or you don't know how to put her in the mood even before you ask for it Forget about her having peeps around to take care of the baby, do you help her with the baby at all


The most important thing is to get your wife away from home and even the baby.
Take her to where is romantic and communicate.

About the food, I hate late things thou. I was brought up in a family where our breakfast is ready by 6a.m because mum was a teacher before she retired and dinner is ready by 5p.m. I can't even eat anything when it's past 6p.m till now. I hope husby won't be the type that like late food thou Cox im addicted to my eating habits.


Just TALK and act like a MAN. Help her in the kitchen too. Even gisting with her in the kitchen is another way of helping. I did not say you should wash plates(not bad if you do too because you are helpmates).

Communication is the answer sir. Sit her down and express yourself. Ask her what you are not doing right, tell her you are a MAN and since you are married, your konji is very high now .[/b]

forlahkhe:
My sister, God go bless u. @Op, lemme tell u some of d reasons i deny my husband sex too. My husband is ONLY romantic when he wants to have sex. U cant rest ur head on his shoulder, he wld complain dt he has gone to work since monrning and wants to rest. If he allows u to rest on him then he wld ask for sex. He WONT play wt me unless it wl end wt sex. He wld always excuse himself frm taking care of our child saying sebi he is d 1 providing d basic needs. He doesnt slp in d same room wt me nd my baby unless he wants to av me.......So, i always feel being used. We have nt attended a party together as a family since 2yrs dt we got married, he wld say our baby wld b dosturbing wt cry cry.......so all ds has reduced my libido entirely. When i tried talking to him abt it, he wld say im an ingrate, he is providing money and i stl want him to assist wt chores. When i tell family members, they wld say i shd go nd pray..........So, @Op, everytin is nt money o, women want to b re-assures that they are loved. Sometimes u take her(only) out for dinner and d likes just to rekindle ur love

Like I said in your thread, without no malicious intention, you are with an idiot. Sorry to day but it is fact. My word wife is the exact opposite of you while I am the exact opposite of your husband. I initial all the romance. My wife hardly ever says I love you not to talk of initiating romance. This made me ask her couple of times if I disgust her.

adviseseeker:
Like I said in your thread, without no malicious intention, you are with an idiot. Sorry to day but it is fact. My word wife is the exact opposite of you while I am the exact opposite of your husband. I initial all the romance. My wife hardly ever says I love you not to talk of initiating romance. This made me ask her couple of times if I disgust her.

Well that's bad. Speaks of maybe deeper issues than childcare, house chores and lowered libido.

Na rich man wife symtoms dey worry her
i nor know why rich man wife dey behave like that
person wey get head nor get cap.. mtcheew
abeg i nor fit chout...

I'll advise you to ignore her...
if she dey watch youtube...
pretend as if you calling someone..like let ya phone ring nd jos excuse yasef from the palor
do am like 2weeks... Sir she'll sit right.

adviseseeker:
Good morning and happy Monday to you all. I am here to seek the matured advise of nairalanders. I want matured advise from people who are married please.

I recently got married and we have a little baby who is 5 months old. I love my wife and my baby, you only need to spend few hours with us before you know this fact. Unfortunately I am dying inside.

Before I got married, myself and my then girlfriend and now wife have no issues with sex. We had sex at will and it is usually fun. But ever since we got married, I have been denied sex. At first I thought I am the one who has a problem but I have asked many people ever since then and I have found out I am normal. I initially expect us to have sex every day - I am my own boss and work from home most times, but had to adjust to 3 days a week for her sake.

But even the 3 times is never existent. Sometimes once a week. And the annoying thing is not the lack of sex but the way the NO is said. Almost like "I own my body and decide when I want sex". I have only ever denied her sex 2 times since we knew each other. Both times after we got married. The first time cos I was not feeling too fine due to stress of work the second time because I wanted her to see how it feels when you get no as answer in a very disrespectful way.

I have not worked since August, because I decided to take a two months break thinking we will have time for ourselves, unfortunately the reverse is the case. Always an excuse not to have sex.

Secondly, I am the type who likes early breakfast. I ideally want break fast before 8am but cos of her, I shifted it to 9am but as I type this, it is 10:48am and my break fast is not ready. And this is not a one off, but almost an every day thing. And each time I bring it up, it leads to fight and keeping malice. What do I do? I hate malice, I prefer to die than to keep malice with someone but my wife seems to use this tool against me. Keeping malice is my greatest weak point. I just hate it.

Note - she is not working. I have a building project costing us over 20 million naira which has made us decide she should not work till we finish early next year. Aside the baby, no other work and even with the baby, she has as many as 3 people helping her - her sister, her little brother and a family friend of hers.

WARNING!!! long intellectual Post ahead, NL kids can go ahead and skip to the next kiddie post.

@ adviseseeker

So many things to unpack from ur post...but let's go there.

You & wifey were sexually active b/4 marriage so it's not that she can't get freaky with you but she is actively CHOOSING not to be sexual with you.

What was her demeanor b/4 you decided to wife her? Did you do a serious assesment of her b/4 you decided to give her a ring? Was ur Dating stage one way traffic, You GIVE & She TAKES?
Did she ever go out of her way to do anything for you? Did you ever allow her to Chase you? No my broda that wasn't a typo! Too many of us guys give ourselves to girls too easy... we don't make them work for it like our fathers did!

All these things that ur wifey is displaying now are things that should have been a Red Flag for you if your eyes were wide open to see them!

1) b4 marriage you guys were fvcking like Rabbits but like most guys you were more intrested in just having sex (Quantity) rather than asking urself the dynamics of the sex ur having with her (Quality).
How many times did she INITIATE SEX? Was she active during sex or was she counting the cracks on the ceiling?

2) Did your wifey ever cook for you while you were dating? or were you too busy taking her to Tantalizer, Mr Biggs etc playing Mr Romantic instead of carefully assessing her Domestic Skills, habits etc!

3) I make a habit of advising my guy friends who are about to get married to avoid having a child in the first 2 years of the marriage. My rationale is simple, the first 2 years is a delicate transition period from Boyfriend/Girlfriend to Husband/ Wife. If you throw a Baby into the mix so soon b4 both of you have 'jelled' into ur new roles then that could be avoidable stress on the new marriage and besides I believe children should be planned for, how they affect both of you in a marriage, how you will raise them etc rather than just popping out kids because that's what 'someone' or 'society' expects next from you after the wedding!

But back to your case, ur wifey suddenly switches of from sex after marriage & gives you all the excuses in the world?!
peeps on here talking to you about how it's just been 5 months since childbirth, not easy taking care of baby, be a bit more helpful with baby etc .... but these same peeps didn't find it odd that wifey is sooo tired being a new mom but not too tired for Africa Magic, Youtube, Instagram etc

Bros, you said in one of your posts that you are a GIVER and I believe you becos you have given wifey everyting she really wanted!

1) A good hardworking Jackass...errm Sorry! Husband who brings home the cash like clockwork!

2) A roof over her head & her UNEMPLOYED @$$

3) A cute little baby girl to show off on her Instagram page even though she cares less about the girls Father (errm...that's you bro)

The only problem for her is that you actually expect her to be a WIFE and do her part in your marriage!!!

@ Adviseseeker there is one fundamental truth you need to understand at this point which is....

A Woman who really wants to FVCK YOU will find a way to FVCK YOU!

https://therationalmale.com/2011/09/23/wait-for-it/?_e_pi_=7%2CPAGE_ID10%2C4630141647

she will trek to your house, she will rent a hotel room
, she will get on a plane and fly down to where you are and FVCK you silly!

the second truth is.... You can't negotiate desire

https://therationalmale.com/2011/08/25/the-desire-dynamic/?_e_pi_=7%2CPAGE_ID10%2C2733254515

and for good measure read this one too

https://therationalmale.com/2013/01/30/choreplay/?_e_pi_=7%2CPAGE_ID10%2C9138046946

With all due respect I believe that wifey never really loved you, to be sure she loved the prospect that you represent to her
1) steady income
2) home over her head & comforts that come with it
3) sperm donor for cute little baby!

In due time you have given her what she wanted and now you are just a live in flatmate, the 'Fun' sex you said you guys had b4 marriage was simply a means to an end.

This is harsh Bro... I know but the ugly truth is better than holding on to a beutiful lie in your head.

cococandy:


Well that's bad. Speaks of maybe deeper issues than childcare, house chores and lowered libido.

This was why I was hurt by your initial submission but decided to keep mute. I am not all about sex, but the romance, the respect and affection towards each other is important.

I can't remember when last she on her own attempt kissing me. When she is wrong, I practically beg her to apologise to me. I believe one should apologise when they are wrong. It is just respectful and normal. My conclusion is, she knows me, she knows I have almost zero chance of changing my person just so to punish her and she is taking advantage.

I simply can't change because someone changes. I don't believe in that. I have a standard, I try not to compromise it. I am not a saint, not close but have a high standard.

It is not about chores. The only real chore she has is the baby. Her sister does the cooking most times unless on times I insist which is rare. I take a list of items she wants to buy and go to market for her, ever since we have been married, she only went to market two times on her own. And 2 times with me. Rest is me going using her list and was like that when we were dating so much a lady accused me of being stingy which is outright wrong.

sexymoma:
Na rich man wife symtoms dey worry her
i nor know why rich man wife dey behave like that
person wey get head nor get cap.. mtcheew
abeg i nor fit chout...

I'll advise you to ignore her...
if she dey watch youtube...
pretend as if you calling someone..like let ya phone ring nd jos excuse yasef from the palor
do am like 2weeks... Sir she'll sit right.

Richman? I am just on of those guys. If you think I am rich based on building a house you are wrong. I am building that with deductions from my monthly earnings.

But I am rich in Christ.

cococandy:


Well that's bad. Speaks of maybe deeper issues than childcare, house chores and lowered libido.

This is another instance, she knows I have been moody all day and didn't eat the break fast she cooked and aside the rubbish from Mr Biggs I haven't eaten anything all day. I have practically unusually stayed guelled to my laptop. Now only me and her are at home. Her sister, brother, sister's boyfriend and family friend who are with us currently have all gone out but rather than coming to me in order to find out what was wrong, she is doing making up. THIS IS SOMEONE WHO IS NOT GOING ANY WHERE. The only reason for the making up is the youtube videos she has been watching trying to learn make ups, something even she confirms she does not intend taking professionally.

Is that a problem caused by the baby too? Note the baby was carried along by her sister. Only me and her in the house.

Egbon, judging from your comments, I can tell that you know what to do but you're just too soft to do what you need to do and your wife knows this. She's preying on your gentility.

You deserve sex from the woman you feed, cloth and shelter anytime, anyhow and anywhere you want it. You're too soft and until you go a bit hard on her nothing is going to change.

Be a man and do what you need to do.

Dear OP I am terribly sorry for how you feel.

Noone should be made to feel they're a bother to someone who they're dating and muchless to one who you're gonna be spending the rest of your life with.

At first I was gonna call you insensitive but after reading through your subsequent comments I find indeed the problem mostly is not from you but this doesn't mean you have not contributed to it all whether by action or inaction.... Now I have read a lot of pretty good advice given you on here but might I just add that communication is the key, you and ur wife are on totally different priorities. @filani has done a good job dissecting and analysing so i'd advise u read up his comment again.... your wife sadly doesn't know she's playing with something bigger than her, there is a distraction somewhere and you have to find it out if anything is to be resolved. Above all, why not seek God to help you through, we who comment on here just say the much we know infact this situation is debilitating, I pray the peace and joy of your home will be restored soonest with understanding....

All the best!!!

Acheron:


You deserve sex from the woman you feed, cloth and shelter anytime, anyhow and anywhere you want it. You're too soft and until you go a bit hard on her nothing is going to change.

Be a man and do what you need to do.

He should rape her?
Beat her or what exactly?

Dyt:


He should rape her?
Beat her or what exactly?

I can't rape someone none will I ever beat her even though she can be annoying. I have a daughter whose future I must through my actions and inaction guide.

My daughter is main reason I am suffering this.

adviseseeker:
I can't rape someone none will I ever beat her even though she can be annoying. I have a daughter whose future I must through my actions and inaction guide.

My daughter is main reason I am suffering this.

I only wanted to know what he meant by be a man and do what you need to do

But come to think of it adviseseeker
Things weren't like this
So what happened
Women don't just start acting like demons
Are you sure you haven't offended this woman?

In the same house
Both are sis and brother lives there
Her sister does the cooking
I mean the food you eat
Does the sis or bro wash your boxers too?
*Ofcus with washing machine oo*

I hope your wife is not keeping grudges sha

Dyt:


He should rape her?
Beat her or what exactly?

If these two things are what came to your mind then something is wrong with your head.

Dyt:
But come to think of it adviseseeker
Things weren't like this
So what happened
Women don't just start acting like demons
Are you sure you haven't offended this woman?

In the same house
Both are sis and brother lives there
Her sister does the cooking
I mean the food you eat
Does the sis or bro wash your boxers too?
*Ofcus with washing machine oo*

I hope your wife is not keeping grudges sha

Her sister does the cooking because she allows it. I don't complain until it is weekends. Her sister never ever washed my cloths. I was washing her cooks and mine until I stopped some 2-3 months back - off course using washing machine.

Acheron:

If these two things are what came to your mind then something is wrong with your head.

Start acting funny.....don't cheat o.come home late,be indifferent to anything at home...stop subscribing to that DSTV or GOTV,stop subscribing to internet connection.provide food,clothing shelter...simple!!!!...thank me latter.

adviseseeker:
I can't rape someone none will I ever beat her even though she can be annoying. I have a daughter whose future I must through my actions and inaction guide.

My daughter is main reason I am suffering this.

i don't know what to say but am moved by your post that i had to read every comment you dropped..have you tried seeing a counselor, her pastor, or her dad to explain things to them cus sincerely if this issue is not resolve am sorry to say but it will get out of hand and worst still, turn to a habit which will be hard considering the fact that the marriage is very young.

adviseseeker:
Her sister does the cooking because she allows it. I don't complain until it is weekends. Her sister never ever washed my cloths. I was washing her cooks and mine until I stopped some 2-3 months back - off course using washing machine.

I don't have issues with either of you washing your clothes
My major concern is her sis doing the cooking
Feeling awkward
My own man would not even eat it
Even if mine is the most sausy
He prefers to eat and purge it

I can't just put my head together and reason how a once loving woman would turn to a wreckless wife and wouldn't mind her home breaking

Well
She's your wife
You know how to pacify her

I can't get it
Shrugs

Dyt:


I don't have issues with either of you washing your clothes
My major concern is her sis doing the cooking
Feeling awkward
My own man would not even eat it
Even if mine is the most sausy
He prefers to eat and purge it

I can't just put my head together and reason how a once loving woman would turn to a wreckless wife and wouldn't mind her home breaking

Well
She's your wife
You know how to pacify her

I can't get it
Shrugs

I thought deep about it all and I think it is my fault for noticing and ignoring all these. I saw the other thread where the lady claimed she had an abortion and was being dumped because of it. That flashed me back to where I got it wrong.

I have had it very roug relationship, lost someone 2 days to our engagement before, had someone secretly married to someone who was planning marriage with me as well and couple of Genotype issues and before I got married to my wife, I ensured we both digged out our pasts.

She shocked me by telling me she had 3 abortions. I was shocked to the bone and because she said sorry and I didn't accept it immediately she asked me to do whatever I wanted, well she didn't tell me, she was telling her friend and I over heard her and brought it up for which she again repeated to my face saying she had begged for forgiveness.

It all boils down to attitude. SHE WILL NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER WANT TO APOLOGISE. She never ever sees anything wrong with her actions and or inaction.

schumastic:


i don't know what to say but am moved by your post that i had to read every comment you dropped..have you tried seeing a counselor, her pastor, or her dad to explain things to them cus sincerely if this issue is not resolve am sorry to say but it will get out of hand and worst still, turn to a habit which will be hard considering the fact that the marriage is very young.

I have involved her mother two times now. I think the best bet is to get busier and accept the fact that my daughter will understand my position in the future. Time to put myself first.

adviseseeker:

It all boils down to attitude. SHE WILL NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER WANT TO APOLOGISE. She never ever sees anything wrong with her actions and or inaction.

Oh oh
I guess you were desperate to be married

And what's with abortion?
I don't get why a man would leave cos a woman confessed she had
So long she's medically fit to have children of which she has given you a daughter already

I hope you not thinking of separation?
Or you want to start keeping a side chic? Walahi it is expensive

Dyt:


Oh oh
I guess you were desperate to be married
Or you want to start keeping a side chic? Walahi it is expensive

Nah, I was not desperate to be married. In fact it was not close to that. He happened because GOD wanted it.

And what's with abortion?
I don't get why a man would leave cos a woman confessed she had
So long she's medically fit to have children of which she has given you a daughter already

I have serious problem with it. It is murder as far as I am concerned but if someone did it, and are sorry then they should be forgiven. Even GOD forgives. But when someone did it and is shocked that you are shocked and angry that they kept it from you and then ask you to go and do whatever, then there is a big problem.

I hope you not thinking of separation?

It will come to it unless there is a change. I am having one useless assorted pepper soup she through her sister ordered for me as dinner. Just imagine.

I am not going to keep side chics. I don't have the money for that. I am building a home for my daughter and her siblings unborn and won't have the funds to through around.

Seriously?
Pepper soup her sister ordered?

Madam Tearoses

Ifyalways come and use your detective here oo

Ujoan

Mindfulness

Shabebaby

Dyt:
Seriously?
Pepper soup her sister ordered?

Madam Tearoses

Ifyalways come and use your detective here oo

Ujoan

Mindfulness

Shabebaby

Heaven is my witness on this

adviseseeker:
Heaven is my witness on this

I am so interested in your kind of business
Can a woman do it?

Sorry I am shying away from your issues
I can't just deal with it
Hianus

Dyt:


I am so interested in your kind of business
Can a woman do it?

Sorry I am shying away from your issues
I can't just deal with it
Hianus

I can't discuss it here as it will give away who I am.

adviseseeker:
I can't rape someone none will I ever beat her even though she can be annoying. I have a daughter whose future I must through my actions and inaction guide.

My daughter is main reason I am suffering this.

@ adviseseeker

Good talk from you, I can only imagine the level of mental strength it takes for you to hold true to this.

But Bros, your words still give me cause for concern, a marriage was never meant to be 'endured' not even for the sake of your Baby Girl.

If anything you owe it to her not to allow ur current status with wifey to continue! In the years to come as you 'endure' this marriage & ur baby girl grows into a teenager, young girl she will inculcate the habits, mindset of the dominant female presence in her life in an ideal case her biological mom.

If you choose to hide your head in the sand like an Ostrich and endure for ur daughters sake, in 15 - 20 yrs from now how heartbroken will you be to see ur sweet little girl transform slowly but surely into a mini version of what ur wifey is right now?

An apple never falls far from the tree !

The time for you to act is now! Stop begging for what should on a good day be freely & joyfully given to you! You are clearly ready to shoulder being a Husband & Father, you need to have a talk with wifey (again) preferably in front of your Pastor/ Deacons about what you expect of her as your Wife and Mother to ur little girl! You need to lay it all down on the table...not in a threatining shouting rage or beggerly way but in a Calm, Concise and Firm manner.

Draw out an action plan with the help of Pastor/Deacon(ess) with milestones to recover ur marriage.
Make it very clear that you are willing to do ur part to meet these milestones but she needs to Woman Up and do her part!

If there is even a flicker of a desire from wifey to make things right with you then she should grab it with both hands but everything that you have told us thus far in her actions says the chances are not good!

If she doesn't cooperate with you in this last ditch attempt then you have to start thinking about whats best for you in the long run....becos YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY TOO !

@adviceseeker

I think you already have what to do in mind. I say this as you have pushed back against most of the advice here and tried justifying your stance.

While people may not know you and your wife personally, some of the mentioned symptoms can be diagnosed to offer an advice.

I will like to kindly suggest you open up your heart and take in some of the discussions. Some are indeed chaff and need to be thrown away, but I believe you can find some jewels on there.

I know most Nairaland men believe women are evils just waiting to push men to the limits, but for every cause, there is an action.

Unless she's a good actress, sonething has happened or is happening that is causing this. Find this through deliberate conversation and you'll be closer to solving your problem.

I believe that despite your claims that separation might be in the offing, deep down. In your heart, you want a deeply satisfying and loving marriage. Communication will move you closer to that destination. Seperation, eating out etc will not solve it.

I urge you to please open your heart.

Thanks.

Dyt:


I am so interested in your kind of business
Can a woman do it?

Sorry I am shying away from your issues
I can't just deal with it
Hianus

I sent a pm.