Show of hands, Nigerian parents; how many of you remember your parents blaming you for something bad that happened when you were growing up? It could be for something you did cause (like running in naked to the parlour when they had visitors, causing untold embarrassment – I was almost guilty of this but just as I was about getting to the parlour, one magnificent backhand sent me back in the opposite direction). Or something you didn’t cause (like not having a white bed-sheet on resumption day in spite of the fact that you had REPEATEDLY reminded your mother that she hadn’t bought it yet and she insisted that she had. Only for her to turn around when you get to school and insist in front of your housemaster that you never told her a white bed-sheet was on the list – seriously, that shii is still paining me till now). Either way, at some point, our parents have blamed us for something – some of us getting blame more frequently than others. If your Nigerian parents have never blamed you for anything, then congratulations, the doctor dropped you headfirst on the floor the day you were born and you’ve been in coma since. Chances are your parents might have blamed you sef for being too slippery. You’re still too unconscious to hear it.

Another show of hands; how many of you, now parents yourselves, have blamed your kids for something? Be honest, I can already tell some people are trying to justify certain situations, but that’s not the point of this article. The point of this article is that a lot of Nigerian parents unconsciously destroy or diminish their child’s self-esteem, trust and self-belief by constantly blaming them for any and everything. You failed an exam? You didn’t study hard enough. You were too busy watching film. She doesn’t know that your teacher is terrible or you just don’t have an aptitude for that subject and that you actually tried your best but it just didn’t work. You broke a glass cup? You were definitely careless, prancing around the kitchen like a horse in a field, high on steroids. He doesn’t know someone else left the tumbler at the edge of the kitchen table, you didn’t see it and hit it by mistake and it fell. Situations like this abound where kids may be at fault or may not be at fault. And the first instinct for a lot of parents is to blame.

But why do most parents want to throw blame first? Well, one primary reason is fear. One huge fear a lot of parents have is being thought as bad parents or not being good enough. So whenever there is a situation, that fear causes them to want to push the responsibility for the situation to someone else, usually the child. It’s a natural feeling.

But here’s the thing: growing kids don’t know anything about responsibility. At least, not enough. Even when they are at fault for whatever the issue is, they want to know that first of all, you would deal with it. The best way to teach your kid about responsibility is not blaming him/her for his/her perceived failures (or even yours, because, let’s face it, as parent’s, you will fail your kids at some point. It happens to all parents). When you do this, your kids will learn to hide possible future issues from you, which is even worse because hidden, the issue would gradually escalate and, by the time you find out, it would have gotten out of control. Lots of parents wonder why their kids don’t trust them with their problems and what’s going on in their lives. It’s because of their experience with your blaming – they know you’ll just blame them for it before/instead of helping them resolve it. So they’ll keep it to themselves, choosing to share with their peers who are less likely to judge and more likely to come up with ideas to solve them – even if some of those ideas are stupid.

Here’s a better approach: When your kid is having an issue or when a situation comes up, 1) find a solution! This will build your child’s trust in you as someone that can deal with situations, not a blame giver. 2) Find the cause: This will help you figure out what brought up the situation in the first place, how to avoid it in future and give you an idea of what to say in the next step. 3) Talk to your kid about it – even when you’re at fault and be honest to admit if you were at fault. Let them know what was done wrong, why it was wrong and what to do in such a situation next time. 4) If you choose, punish the child fairly, IF the child is guilty.

Unfortunately, most Nigerians follow in the reverse order, then complain later that their children don’t talk to them about personal issues. Try this first and see if it would work a bit.

Goodluck!

https://completelytier./2016/10/02/nigerian-parents-quit-blaming-your-kids-so-much/

Impressive.....

Doesn't matter if you tell them on and on again.. They'll still blame the child.... You don't even wanna know how many blames I've experienced..

It's like I walk about the house singing ''You can put the blame on me, and I'll take that blame from you''