Interesting how you used DRESSING UP to expose the protagonist's physical attributes.
Lovely diction too. But your paragraphing is really poor, makes your work difficult to read from line to line.

Largas:
Interesting how you used DRESSING UP to expose the protagonist's physical attributes.
Lovely diction too. But your paragraphing is really poor, makes your work difficult to read from line to line.

Thanks for the critique. Will be more mindful next time. I'm here to learn.

cherryblossoms:


Thanks for the critique. Will be more mindful next time. I'm here to learn.

LOL yeah we are all learners. I read along and observed subtle, subtle linings of feminism across the post.

Sometimes there is a derail and you mention politics, entertainment. A silent campaign only detectable by careful readers. But, I really enjoy the story, maybe it's cause I'm a pervert.

Largas:

LOL yeah we are all learners. I read along and observed subtle, subtle linings of feminism across the post.

Sometimes there is a derail and you mention politics, entertainment. A silent campaign only detectable by careful readers. But, I really enjoy the story, maybe it's cause I'm a pervert.

Wasn't trying to be subtle. I thought it was quite obvious.

[quote author=Largas post=50424175]
LOL yeah we are all learners. I read along and observed subtle, subtle linings of feminism across the post.

Sometimes there is a derail and you mention politics, entertainment. A silent campaign only detectable by careful readers. But, I really enjoy the story, maybe it's cause I'm a pervert.[/quote

But yeah I also noticed the derail myself and you just confirmed it can be distracting.

cherryblossoms:


Wasn't trying to be subtle. I thought it was quite obvious.

Maybe it was more glaring than I had thought. But the derails were much and at certain points, unnecessary. Do I need to highlight them?

I'm not an Editor anyway, maybe I'm not justified to judge your Art.

Largas:


Maybe it was more glaring than I had thought. But the derails were much and at certain points, unnecessary. Do I need to highlight them?

I'm not an Editor anyway, maybe I'm not justified to judge your Art.

Please do if you can. Thanks.

Darn! Finally finished reading the Essay. It was really intriguing, passionate, informative and intelligent.

I enjoyed the bits of the post. And you've found a newest fan in me.

Although I decide to lay bare my own critiqs, just so you know, the decision to ignore or adher to some or all of the critiqs, is in your hands.


I'll do so in a different post altogether.

"My first act as a feminist, I asked a boy out after....... I was a little scared I was convinced I didn't want to be one anymore".


I suppose this was the second paragraph, it was really a big derail and totally off-the-hook/point, it cut the flow of your Essay. I suggest that paragrab be scrapped. Please don't assume I'm anti-feminism. That assumption if made, would be false as I'm all for equality.


"Gave us Christianity", why not use "Introduced Christianity", you made it sound as though you are apportioning blames for failures which is unnecessary. Because some men still practise Christianity and maintain One wife and zero Mistress. So, cheating is not a function of faith, please! #MyOpinion.


"I can't imagine growing up without a father." Really? But you already informed us you had an abusive father. If you meant growing up without a father after he got murdered then the sentences could have been connected. Disjointed as they are, made them pass different information/ideas.


Another point, you glorified your mother's physical attributes and attitudes too much and casted off your father's role as a villain, without doing any justice to his physical looks either. Come on, he can't be all that condemned. Whatever has advantages, also has disadvantages and vice versa-so we're taught at school. In fairness to your own father, there should be a little consolation in physique description or someother encouraging attitudes. One-sided treatment in favour of your mother presents you as a partial, insensitive writer.

".... I was their first child".... You didn't indicate presence of other children, and if at that point you were the FIRST and ONLY child SO FAR, you still never indicated by adding 'first & and only child ATM(at the moment), don't know if I'm making any sense.

"when I think about it, we might have very low percentage of teenage pregnancy but we have high percentage of HIV infection".... DERAIL RINGS!!! Afterall, you couldn't back up your claims with valid, recognized proofs.


"Which is more politically correct term..........", Unnecessary derail, even so, who made you Judge to determine which was more Politically correct, are you Obama? You see how unnecessary it was. You sounded too authoritative when in the real sense, you have no authority-no punt meant.

"to speak about issues is mostly entertaining", yeah that Kin Kardashian part is interesting and promotes feminism but then it is too attached to the politically correctness of birracial/mulatoo so if there is a way you can disjoint them. Throw one away with the wash basin and maintain the ending pro-feminism paragraph.

Cool idea. I love you for your beautiful write-up.

Largas:
".... I was their first child".... You didn't indicate presence of other children, and if at that point you were the FIRST and ONLY child SO FAR, you still never indicated by adding 'first & and only child ATM(at the moment), don't know if I'm making any sense.

"when I think about it, we might have very low percentage of teenage pregnancy but we have high percentage of HIV infection".... DERAIL RINGS!!! Afterall, you couldn't back up your claims with valid, recognized proofs.


"Which is more politically correct term..........", Unnecessary derail, even so, who made you Judge to determine which was more Politically correct, are you Obama? You see how unnecessary it was. You sounded too authoritative when in the real sense, you have no authority-no punt meant.

"to speak about issues is mostly entertaining", yeah that Kin Kardashian part is interesting and promotes feminism but then it is too attached to the politically correctness of birracial/mulatoo so if there is a way you can disjoint them. Throw one away with the wash basin and maintain the ending pro-feminism paragraph.

Cool idea. I love you for your beautiful write-up.

Interesting points. I'm glad I came on this forum.
I agree with you on most of them and should flesh out the family dynamic more. I guess a girl's relationship with her mother is something I want to focus on hence not mentioning what the dad looked like or other siblings.

Perhaps I can introduce them in a subsequent chapter, if they serve the story. I'm new at this really but establishing the family unit from the start like you said is a good idea.

will work on the other disconnections, no one likes to be thrown off balance. Looking at it again, I see there's some unnecessary stuff there that serves no purpose.

Thanks again for your notes. It will help a lot.

cherryblossoms:


Interesting points. I'm glad I came on this forum.
I agree with you on most of them and should flesh out the family dynamic more. I guess a girl's relationship with her mother is something I want to focus on hence not mentioning what the dad looked like or other siblings.

Perhaps I can introduce them in a subsequent chapter, if they serve the story. I'm new at this really but establishing the family unit from the start like you said is a good idea.

will work on the other disconnections, no one likes to be thrown off balance. Looking at it again, I see there's some unnecessary stuff there that serves no purpose.

Thanks again for your notes. It will help a lot.

There's no need for thanksgiving here. You're the original writer so, deserve the glory.

Will you publish?

Largas:

There's no need for thanksgiving here. You're the original writer so, deserve the glory.

Will you publish?

Nah. No plans to.

cherryblossoms:

Nah. No plans to.

It would have marked a beautiful debut.