I am an AA woman. My husband & I had been married for 8 years together 9. Our divorce was final this week. We have 2 sons together. We have been separated for almost a year and half. I thought it would be easy but divorcing him was so hard. I know its because I still love him. I'm not in love with him but I care about him, his well being. He has done a lot of bad things to me & my children but for some reason my heart still has love for him. I'm no saint but I did right by him. It hurts so much that he did not fight for us, he would not hear of counseling. During the time we were separated he never apologized for his actions, wait only after I apologized for doing or saying anything to offend him. He would come over and try to have sex with me. I would not allow it.
He has recently joined a church (with ties to Nigeria) and befriended a Nigerian woman. This woman is pregnant. My youngest son tells me after a visit with his dad, my dad is having a baby. Of course he denies it. I guess only time will tell.
This Yoruba man has drained me of so much, I doubt that I can love again. I have someone in my life now that wants to be a father to my kids and wants to be here for me but I am so drained that I don't want to even go there with him.
I am not bitter but I know without a doubt I will never date or marry outside of culture.

All of my friends (AA) feel the same way, well they have moved on with their lives and love. Out of them all we were married the longest.

You knew this man was a slowpoke yet you voluntarily choose to marry him. Nigerian fools NEVER change. Its like the saying "the leopard, never changes its spot"

Teach you children to be GOOD men and you daughter NEVER to try and change a man


Best wishes in your new journey and pray to God for direction----divorce can seem rough but im certain this is probably for the best because you were emotionally abused.

Posakosa,

Thanks for your reply, however, my ex was not this way when I married him. Trust me, had he shown his true colors from day 1 I would have never married him.

I left him because of my kids. He abused us all in one way or another. My sons begged me not to go back. I don't want to make him seem like an animal, he did a lot of good. Houses, finances but he just doesn't know how to show love. Not the way I need to be shown love. I don't ask for a lot. Enough on that.

I am taking your advice I'm teaching and showing my sons how to love. I am teaching them that love doesn't hurt, disrepect or belittle. It nourishes, fulfills and builds people.
I don't have a daughter of my mine, but my new friend does. And I will love her unconditionally.

Its hard but I am moving on, God has a bigger and better plan for me (US), one which involves TRUE LOVE. Be blessed & see you around the board.

SCBeauty

I KNOW Nigerian men are GOOD at pretending BUT i think he should have had some qualities/characteristics that should have made you curious or suspicious about him; prior to marriage

Many women notice this, they just like to PRETEND that he will change.

I agree hindsight is something else. Looking back 9 years ago. I did let a few things slide by, nothing that I felt was drastic. Not even to this day. We did have 3 pretty good years together. I'm not regretting a thing. I count it all as a lesson.

SCBeauty:

I agree hindsight is something else. Looking back 9 years ago. I did let a few things slide by, nothing that I felt was drastic. Not even to this day. We did have 3 pretty good years together. I'm not regretting a thing. I count it all as a lesson.

Sorry to say but it could be a lesson learned too late. I never wish for anyone to become a single mother---its tough. BUT I wish you well in your journey. You sound like a clear articulate woman and you will be just fine.

Hello poster, what exactly is the AA you are putting in your post?

And are you implying that the fella that wants to be a dad to your kids is not a Nigeria or not Yoruba or is a white man?

I feel for you but these things happen even with the greatest of care. I presume you are in a western country (UK?) because you talked of separation and then divorce - proper legal divorce does not often happen in Nigeria

Your ex having a kid is not your business anymore since you are officially divorced and you will not have sex with him anymore (you should not, anyway).

You have to move on and even though you said you are not bitter, there is some part of you that is resentful of the fact that he has moved on and is now having more kids. I dont know how old you are but men can have kids even at an older age and that can hurt a woman.

However, you have the greatest and most precious part of your old union - the children. And they seemed to be on your side and appear balanced and happy enough to see the dad - that is great!

Have fun, enjoy being single and accept assistant from your friend but be honest with him that you are not interested in anything long-term, yet.

AA= African American.

You know what, I thought that it was African American just before coming back to the forum. But initially, I thought it was a blood genotype. I did not think it was Alcohol Anonymous though - lol.

I dont know whether it is a Yoruba thing or Nigerian thing but relationships are hard especially across cultures. I ended of being married to a European woman because I did not trust Nigerians and could not deal with their ways; and I was in parts of UK with few blacks or Nigerians. The relationship still did not work because of cultural differences; this time it was not a cultural difference as per UK but a European national - things can just be complicated.

Is the church you are talking about Redeem? I dont do church or religion even though they can be fun sometimes and a good source of social interaction and meeting with Nigerian folks; but there is something about them,
Anyway, I am now looking for a Nigerian girl and met one on my recent travel. But she has now spoiled everything by revealing she has a boyfriend (its actually an active relationship not just play) and she thinks it is normal and does not want to talk about it. The worse of all is that she has asked to borrow a large amount of money. She does not really know me well and I dont know her well but she is ready to borrow money - how is she going to pay it back? And she is a religious person and REDEEM! That is why I dont deal with Nigerians, arrgghh!!!

I am flabbergasted as to her brazen way of asking despite all that I have told her. I told I had trust issues and avoid Nigerians and so on. I cannot respect her after this and my family have been looking into; thinking she is alright. But then they are the religious type too and will not see a scammer even if the person was wearing a label to the effect.

She might not be a scammer but why would she think I should just lend her £1000 to do business. I have even told her that I dont lend people money for business - I have been burned in the past and even family members that I give money to for business have not be as careful or shrewd as they can be because it was someone elses money. I even told her I am ready to give small amounts but anything bigger I will need to see the business proposal and how the repayment will be met.

Perhaps, I made a mistake in sending her some money to help with communicating with me. It is expensive on both side - about £45 spent in 2 weeks but I can afford it more than her. I thought it was only fair but now asking for money - no self respect or patience. What does she need the money for and how will she make? Just too opportunistic! I was going to go and visit her in January and would have showered her (& her family) with gifts, money, get her a passport and so on. I am a muppet!

well I guess. U enjoyed the dummy behavior while it lasted. Don't do that next time.

I have not told her I am not lending her the money. I said I will look at my finances and let her know - she wants it by end of the month. How best to get rid of her - and her association with my family. She lives in her village and I dont want to broadcast and dont want to be rude

Tell the stupid BITCH to find some other sucker who will give her money.

No other questions asked.

chris_j:

I am flabbergasted as to her brazen way of asking despite all that I have told her. I told I had trust issues and avoid Nigerians and so on. I cannot respect her after this and my family have been looking into; thinking she is alright. But then they are the religious type too and will not see a scammer even if the person was wearing a label to the effect.

She might not be a scammer but why would she think I should just lend her £1000 to do business. I have even told her that I dont lend people money for business - I have been burned in the past and even family members that I give money to for business have not be as careful or shrewd as they can be because it was someone elses money. I even told her I am ready to give small amounts but anything bigger I will need to see the business proposal and how the repayment will be met.

Perhaps, I made a mistake in sending her some money to help with communicating with me. It is expensive on both side - about £45 spent in 2 weeks but I can afford it more than her. I thought it was only fair but now asking for money - no self respect or patience. What does she need the money for and how will she make? Just too opportunistic! I was going to go and visit her in January and would have showered her (& her family) with gifts, money, get her a passport and so on. I am a muppet!

is that not the same girl you  wanted to get married to and you asked at the travel section  how to bring her over to the uk ?

thank God that your eyes has been opened.

someone you barely know/spent tiime with , yet you were all eager and desperate to get married to

posakosa:

Tell the stupid BITCH to find some other sucker who will give her money.

No other questions asked.

please dont pity the guy. let him go ahead and send her money.

read his previous post especially those made on the travel thread.

i have never in a longggg time seen a man that is soooo desperate to marry just any woman. shame !

lol----tracking and connecting his posts. I guess he wanted to get married to some BUSH village girl BUT the girl's eye don SHINE well well----- hehehehehe


Aren't there babes in the U.K.

funkybaby:

please dont pity the guy. let him go ahead and send her money.

read his previous post especially those made on the travel thread.

i have never in a longggg time seen a man that is soooo desperate to marry just any woman. shame !

posakosa:

lol----tracking and connecting his posts. I guess he wanted to get married to some BUSH village girl BUT the girl's eye don SHINE well well----- hehehehehe


Aren't there babes in the U.K.

dont mind him.
the girl don jam mugu.


i even warned him that he should consider bringing the girl over first via visit visa but he was rather hell bent on her coming in with a student visa(school fees fully paid by him) or marriage visa.

posakosa:

the amusing part was that he was depending on reccommendation from his family on his final decision on the girl. and his family gave him good feedback. so how come they missed the fact that the girl had a boyfriend in the east?

he should go ahead and send her the 1,000 quid. the girl sef no try. she should have asked for a fully furnished apartment and a car as well

afterall, the guy dey find village wife

shior !

chris_j:

I have not told her I am not lending her the money. I said I will look at my finances and let her know - she wants it by end of the month. How best to get rid of her - and her association with my family. She lives in her village and I dont want to broadcast and dont want to be rude

she is even giving you time frame/ultimatum
shame !

which business does she want to do with 1000 pounds in the village? sell pure water or recharge cards?

^^^^^ him he think say he find bush village girl, but the girl find REAL MUGU. She should have never told him that she had a boyfriend, she should have DRAINED HIM DRY----

Yes, she lives in our village (a small town really). But she is a Lagos girl. I never thought she was a bush girl. She is actually managing a business for a client in the village - still not high life or high society, I know. But she is a graduate and sounds very clever. Some of my folks have spoken to her and she always sounds alright and reasonable on the phone.

At least, she was honest about the boyfriend but she ad asked me a lot of question so she was bound to be questioned too. And people must have seen her with the fella. I did not know she has a boyfriend and still dont know the extent or seriousness of the relationship. Anyway, it appears normal for njas to have backup partners or bf/gf - it is not to myself but then maybe I am naive or not just a player. Even my bro said there will be competiton - what does that mean?

It is not only the boyfriend issue but asking for money whether genuine or not is just not on in my world - I cannot respect people asking for money just because, If I was not there what would she have done. The same thinking also applies to family members that does the same but they are family - you dont choose them. But having a boyfriend and thinking of being with some else is not very christain in my view.

But having a boyfriend and thinking of being with some else is not very christain in my view.

Its called the survival of the fittest

funky - you gave good advice but even advice will have been very expensive and might have lead to me being scammed. People in UK get scammed as well. I was not going to marry her on the say so of family but it helps if they monitor things and are supportive. I did say I was going to go to Nigeria to sort things out. I still think i things work out it will be better than trying to find a Nigerian girl in the UK.

Anyway, the issue is not just about this girl but the Nigerian way. And that I why contributed to this thread. Look, I am not religious and will happily sleep with someone who attached - consenting adults and all that.

I have not concluded this girl is a scammer but I dont lend people money and was disappointed she asked. And borrowing money is a Nigerian way - we can be shameless sometimes.

Then there is the issue of religion whch ties to this current thread. Even the religious(so-called born-again) people in Nigeria do some weird stuff

Hold your fire guys. I am not desperate and not quick to judge. When I used village, it is just to say she is from the same tribal and micro-group as myself.

funky baby, love at first sight still exist. It is not just for celebrities, you know where is your sense of adventure - I have been cautious all my life.
Anyway, I never said I was going to send her the money and if she did not give a date of needing the money, then it would have been a scam. I dont know about Nigerian ways but I know Nigerians tend to come across business opportunities (doing runs like some will say); so he might have a genuine business to do. But she should have told me and should not ask strangers for money - maybe it is some weird Nigerian woman test

My eyes are firmly opened, it is only money. I would have spent a lot more money to get her here in the UK on a visit (as advised by funkybaby) and she could have disappeared into the system. Do I care if another immigrant disappear into the UK, No! I will never grass on any illegals!
If a member of the family ask for money like that, what would you have done even if you suspect that you will never get the money back. She could still a decent person compared to a lot of other Nigerian so I am not condemning her as a scam or bad person.

In fact, my mum and granny had a quarrel when I was in Nja because my mum let it slip to a relative that my gran has money from rents and the person went and borrowed money from gran - she could not avoid him. He has not paid back and is avoiding gran and gran is now worried that the man might go and do juju to her. Also an aunt gave a large amount to a distant family member to buy a car from another african country, he bought the wrong one and was told to go and change it and he has not been able to produce a newcar or the ony for a long time. Nigeriansmake me cuckle thinking about things

I am assuming that you all are talking of someone else now. I am the original poster I work and make good money I'm not asking anybody for anything.
I am African American and I live in the Washington, DC area.
And to the poster who said that my ex-husband having a baby is none of my business you are WRONG. Our divorce was final less than a week ago which means
that while he was legally married to me he got her pregnant, In the US that's a no-no!
But I'm moving on with life. When I wrote this post it was all fresh, well it still is. But I'm be good. Of course it hurts we were married for years and at one point we loved each other.
No, the new guy in my life is not Nigerian you better believe that. He is also African American.

I am holding NO grudges I have love for Nigerians, I have two sons with that blood, I'm just not dealing with them like that EVER yes, I said EVER again.

God Bless you all.

^^^^^ wow, u have serious patience. He got someone else pregnant while still married to you.


You should punish him a little. <I have some ideas>

LOL!!! Vengence is not mine, its the Lord's.

I am just focusing on raising my sons and being the very best mother that I can be to them.

Thanks for the offer, it did make me smile a little.

Yes, moving on is the best thing. BUT give your self ample time to HEAL before going into another relationship.


Healing takes time; this is also time for reflection which is good.

Poster, you did not indicate in your original when you divorce came through and what sort of punishment legal or otherwise can you give to somene you have already divorced. So the pregnancy with the other woman is not relevant unless you still want him back or dont want him to have babies with others (maybe yet).

So I guess the news of the pregnancy was heard just a few days ago cos you said it was fresh, Either way, you are now divorced, the main issue now is the kids you had together.

Never mind my post (about the village girl), just a distraction and support of what you said about Yorubas and Nigerians and their religion. I am a Nigerian and I have been wary of dealing with Nigerias for a long time - I dont get them even when I grew up in Nigeria. But unlike youself, I will strife to find good Nigerians (there are many in Nigeria not the many hustlers abroad) to interact with and eventually marry.