Well in life shit happens! It has happened and it has happened!. In life, we do crazy things for love and there's no extent I cant go because of love but I cant steal or kill for love lol. If I am you, during our chats, I will just ask this question " Can we still comeback and give love another chance? I am willing to answer any questions bothering your mind/head" thats all.

Like someone sd on this thread, u will have peace of mind that you gave love another chance.

Like what happened btw I and an ex, she deleted me on fbk, bbm everywhere. She claimed I lied to her that I am not married but she refused to listen. My mind just reached out to contact her for the last time and I decided if she didnt pick up or respond, that will be the last of us. I called , she picked but I didnt hear what she sd and I sent a text to her which she responded " what took you so long and you know how much I missed you ". So what I am trying to say if that even if you can day such on fone cos of distance, a text message wouldn't hurt. Believe me, once you do that, your mind will be at ease and you wil know exactly where u r heading to

Sorry for my epistle

Aquariann:


Were you serious when you made this comment?

Put yourself in his position. You met this guy and dated him for 11 months . Great guy you think/conclude. Then one day he tells you he was once married but the union ended six years ago.

I don't think she hid the fact that she had been married once before (details like this should be disclosed to a new partner right away in my opinion), so it's not that he didn't know. (Am
I correct Orabamxy52?) OP didn't delve into details on what had happened, why the marriage failed etc which is what it seems he had the issue with (which I personally believe does not need to be disclosed right away and can be saved for a later date depending on how comfortable she is and how invested they both were in the relationship so 11 months doesn't sound bad to me).

Aquariann:

It's not like it just ended few months before he met you. But six years ago. Which means he [probably] must have been in other relationship(s) before meeting you.

Sorry, it's probably just me but are you highlighting this point as an issue? What has it got to do with anything?

Aquariann:

So it's not about her needing "his support the most now", it's about her insincerity for 11 months. The guy's fears/reasons for ending the relationship is justified.
Speaking as a man, my advice to ladies is "Come as you are". No pretending or secrets, you'll be surprised that guy would still stand or be with you. That's why ladies written off by the society, often times end up with great partners

Lol I agree that transparency is very important in a relationship but it can take time and she opened up eventually. I will say that certain things need to be told in the earlier stages i.e. Divorce (the fact that they've been divorced and necessarily the 'gory' details, children, criminal activities/charges, health status, debt etc

1bkaye:
I don't think she hid the fact that she had been married once before (details like this should be disclosed to a new partner right away in my opinion), so it's not that he didn't know. (Am
I correct Orabamxy52?)

Here, lemme help you. Though I'm curious you didn't see it. In the Op's own words

Orabamxy52:
The relationship went sour few months after he Went overseas when I eventually opened up about my failed marriage to another man 6 years ago while I was still schooling in Netherlands.

That's a part of me I never tell anyone who didn't know me back then because I don't want to relieve the pain, depression and trauma I went through.

Anyways, Mr X ended our relationship because he was shocked I kept such an info from him for that long a time He told a friend he fears I'll hide some more info if we get married.

When you finally go back and read it again, mention me

Sorry, it's probably just me but are you highlighting this point as an issue? What has it got to do with anything?

This was an attempt to highlight the divorce happened six years ago, she had long moved on by even dating someone else before Mr.X.

Learn to read before commenting while also paying attention to details. Glad you modified your earlier comment

1bkaye:

How long had you been dating for if you don't mind me asking? Also, is it the fact that you kept the fact that you had previously ever been married or the fact that you hadn't gone into details about exactly what had happened that upset him and caused him to break up with you? Asking so I'm more informed for my conclusion.

My bad..

Aquariann:


Here, lemme help you. Though I'm curious you didn't see it. In the Op's own words



When you finally go back and read it again, mention me

Upon first reading her post I wasn't sure if this line in particular 'opened up about my failed marriage to another man 6 years ago' meant that she was literally just telling him that she'd been married before or that he'd already been privy to her previous marital status and just didn't know what happened and it was now 11 months later she'd opened up about the details because it's one thing to tell him that you'd been married and another to tell him what happened, which is why I asked the following:

1bkaye:
Nope, fall back and move on, I know it's easier said than done dear, but if he wanted to be with you, he would be. He even made it a point to establish that it's a keeping-in-touch meeting when you met up, couldn't be any clearer than that.
How long had you been dating for if you don't mind me asking? Also, is it the fact that you kept the fact that you had previously ever been married or the fact that you hadn't gone into details about exactly what had happened that upset him and caused him to break up with you? Asking so I'm more informed for my conclusion.

And she responded with:

Orabamxy52:

1) Dated for about 11 months.
2) The fact that I hadn't gone into details about exactly what had happened that upset him
Thanks for your feedback

Which is why I didn't think she'd hidden it per se, just the details. To be fair I should've specifically asked if he knew that she had been married before at all, Orabamxy52, mind clearing this up? Did he actually know you'd been married previously?

Aquariann:

This was an attempt to highlight the divorce happened six years ago, she had long moved on by even dating someone else before Mr.X.
Learn to read before commenting while also paying attention to details. Glad you modified your earlier comment

Which earlier comment did I modify?

Aquariann:


COMPREHENSION seems to be a challenge you have. You read, but you don't understand.

Try reading slowly. It works.

Lol nah not really. I read, I wasn't entirely sure, I thus asked for clarification

I'm good lol

1bkaye:

Lol nah not really. I read, I wasn't entirely sure, I thus asked for clarification

I'm good lol

My apologies for that comment. Came out wrongly...

I understand you now. Funny I'm a bit confused now.

First post, she said it was because she had hid it from him. Next she said it's because she didn't give details.

Aquariann:


My apologies for that comment. Came out wrongly...

I understand you now. Funny I'm a bit confused now.

First post, she said it was because she had hid it from him. Next she said it's because she didn't give details.

Lol it's cool

Yeah it's a bit confusing, I want her to come here and clear up the ambiguities in her posts so people have a clearer picture

Orabamxy52:
oh my. This isn't getting any easier. A part of me keeps replaying the breakup incident, his actions, decision and analyze it like 1bkaye pointed out. Then SMH that I ever had anything to do with him
Another part keeps justifying his actions and blame myself till eternity. It's quite a difficult call.
I've read books, articles and listened to podcasts on moving on after a bad relationship.. It really ain't easy in reality.
Oh my, I'm whinning again.

I'd advice you ask him straight up what he wants!

You're both adults, not teenagers. Ask him point blank what he wants. If it's ordinary friendship, please shut the door on such association. You still nurse feelings towards him and being friends alone will always leave you gasping, hoping and shutting out other men.

Getting back together with an ex doesn't always turn out fine but it will do you a lot of good if you clearly define your objectives upfront. Have no expectations when you ask him and don't be beggarly about it.

Orabamxy52:


It's not about not finding a better person. I've met a number of great guys before and after Mr X. Let's just say I want to put a nail on this coffin once and for all, yeah?
Thanks anyway

Sweetheart, leave him alone if you can but if not...

I totally understand how you feel, in fact I have an ex that runs back to me whenever his heart his broken and he's the first person I think of reclining to when I get lonely too. Wouldn't it be just common sense to fall back together? No, we didn't work for a reason! However, I am almost sure the undercurrent will remain there if either of you don't hit the nail on the butt. Just drop all the hints with him and hope he spares you the stress of belling the cat. If he doesn't still take him...just ask!

I did with him and I'm thus cured of wanting to run back to him. I dropped plenty hints and he subtly told me there's a girl now. Whew, so exhilarating...my heart no longer skip when I come across his pics or anyone mentions his name. YOLO my sister...YOLO.

1bkaye:

Yeah it's a bit confusing, I want her to come here and clear up the ambiguities in her posts so people have a clearer picture

So when we started, we talked about our exes and what led to the end of the rlshp. Initially, I told him I was formerly ENGAGED to someone but didn't go into much details as to what I know led to the separation. May I kindly point out here that my ex-husband never told me directly why he walked out and ceased all forms of communication. (we were in separate cities at that time, prepping to move in together as a couple). Everything I know till date are from 3rd parties. Even when I eventually went to his house after multiple interventions from many people, he literally banged his door at me.

Anyways, I only put bits together and formed "my own story" plus hearsays from people as to what went wrong and struggled to move on and live.

So all the times Mr X kept prodding on my "engagement", I didn't have much to tell him. I also avoided discussing it and didn't give straight answers. Reason 1- I wasn't sure where our rlshp was heading. He'd just moved abroad and will be away for about 4/5 years with holidays yearly tho
Reason 2- I wasnt sure how he'll take the truth and didn't want to be judged wrongly for no fault of mine.
Reason 3- I was buying time to understand our rlshp better
Reason 4- I was hoping to open up on his next holiday to Nigeria because I felt it wouldn't be proper telling him the truth on whatsapp or Skype. I was waiting for a physical meeting which never happened.

So one night on the phone, I guess Mr X caught me off guard and I told him there was a marriage and a proper separation had never been done. It was a big shocker to him and after 3 months of me explaining and saying sorry, he ended everything. During that 3 months, he advised I get a proper separation which I adhered to and was finally concluded long after he'd ended the rlshp. He even asked me how the proceedings went when we met up this year and yeah, I told him everything.

Hope this clears the air.

@Orabamxy
I will suggest you dont ask him yet, buh give him all the green and leading light there need to be for him to make the needed move. However, you should not restrict yourself from meeting other people also. A man knows what he wants.
My guess is there is another woman in the picture and perhaps he is weighing his options by virtue of making comparisons. OR he is using you as a rebound companion should incase he has misunderstanding with the other chick.
But if on the other hand you think you running out time for him to pop out the question, you could ask indirect question to help you discern his heart intentions.
Men in most cases are not verbally expressive , they show more by their actions.

His actions towards you should also give you insight/pointers to how he views you and the relationship.

Orabamxy52:
oh my. This isn't getting any easier. [b]A part of me keeps replaying the breakup incident, his actions, decision and analyze it like 1bkaye poin[/b]ted out. Then SMH that I ever had anything to do with him
Another part keeps justifying his actions and blame myself till eternity. It's quite a difficult call.
I've read books, articles and listened to podcasts on moving on after a bad relationship.. It really ain't easy in reality.
Oh my, I'm whinning again.

There is nothing to analyse in the guy's decision, any sane person would have done the same. He that comes to equity must come with a clean hand.

Someone is in relationship with you and was getting serious but you chose to keep such an information from him for a very long time. The bedrock of every relationship is trust, if that is broken, the relationship is a disaster waiting to happen.
If you believe he was nice, fair, considerate and compassionate during the days of your relationship with him, then he deserved to be really angry and his decision justified. Marriage is not what anybody can emotionally blackmail another into. He was going to live with you for the rest of his life and men are logical beings not emotional.

One of the lies ladies tell themselves is to hide information from a potential partner, you may get away with it in the beginning but the truth will come out eventually and by that time, things will be more damaged than if the truth had been let out long ago.

Meanwhile, which state is the guy, I can ask him out on your behalf...