Hi fellow nairalanders, I'm new to nairaland and this is my first thread.

Are you tired of being bored, this is the place for you, I know you must have seen some of this jokes elsewhere, but that shouldn't kill the fun.

As you laugh out loud, your life will not remain the same ( my brothers and sisters no be prophecy be that oh ).

Oya let's go.

Hello, Fellow Nairalanders, followers and Viewers of this thread "CHRONICLES OF JOKES", This is to inform you all that you are free to post any Jokes, Funny Memes (pictures), Funny Videos and Funny Audios here to keep the thread moving.
And don't forget to leave a comment, hit the like and share button when you visit or view the thread.

THANKS.

Wife: Darling, give me your phone for a second.
Husband: Wait, let me switch it on. Delete videos. Delete pictures. Delete music. Delete private folder Delete number. Delete sms. Delete out going calls. Delete incoming calls. Delete mms. UNISTALL Whatsapp. Delete... Delete... Delete... Delete... Delete... Delete... FORMAT Memory Card. Reset phone to Factory settings...
Husband: Here you go honey, i have nothing to hide from you.
Wife:Thanx love... I just wanted to check the time.
Husband: Oh my God!

IN HOLLY WOOD Merlin will say jxt two words and a fire breathing dragon will appear.
IN NOLLYWOOD Odunlade will recite a whole book of incantation(366 pages) jxt to off candle .then he'll finally tell u to bring the following >8 virgin rat > 10 married ants >7 pregnant mosquitoes > 2 lesbian hen .....To appease the gods ••••but niaja why

An Ijebu engineer can't find a job so he opens a
clinic and puts a sign outside
'GET TREATMENT FOR
20k - IF NOT CURED GET BACK 100k.
An Ijesha lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn 100k and goes to the clinic...
Ijesha Lawyer:
"I have lost my sense of taste"
Ijebu man:
"Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth"
Ijesha Lawyer:
"Ugh..this is kerosene"
Ijebu man:
"Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me 20k"
The annoyed Ijesha lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money...
Ijesha Lawyer:
"I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything"
Ijebu man:
"Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth"
Ijesha Lawyer (annoyed):
"This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste"
Ijebu man:
"Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me 20k"
The fuming Ijesha lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back 100k.
Ijesha Lawyer:
"My eyesight has become very weak"
Ijebu man:
"Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this 100k"
D Ijesha Lawyer (staring at the cash):
"But this is 20k,
not 100k"
Ijebu man:
"Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me 20k"
You can't beat an ijebu man.

CONVERSATION BETWEEN A MAD MAN AND A NORMAL MAN.
Norm. Man: Why is that u people (mad people) always laugh when there's nothing to laugh about.
Mad man: Its because you people don't see what we see in madness
Norm. Man: What do u people see?
Mad man: Have u ever seen an ant breastfeeding it babies? Or dogs having a marriage ceremony?
Norm. Man: Burst out with laughter.. Hahahaha
Mad man: U see how u are laughing now, without even seeing what I used to see.. U will even laugh more than me when u become mad.

If a girl dumped you because you don't have money, my brother when you don make the money please forgive her, promise her marriage, tell her family that you want to renovate their house, Then remove their roof and disappear.

You lavish 300k in a club and give a prostitute 15k. But you give your girlfriend 1k after washing your clothes and cleaning the house for you then you say you're testing her to find out if she is after your money.
Brother, the thunder that will fire you will be like Drug prescription; 3 in the morning, 3 in the afternoon and 3 at night.
Sho lo ya wehrey nii

One spelling mistake in a hurry can make life hell..
Husband wrote a romantic message to his wife on his business trip and missed an "e" in the last word...now he is seeking police protection to enter to his own house....
He wrote, "Hi darling, I'm enjoying and experiencing the best time of my life and I wish you were her!

Lol. Nice one Op

No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference btwn the two words "COMPLETE" and "FINISHED". Some people say there is no difference between "COMPLETE" and "FINISHED​", but there is. When you marry​ the right woman you are COMPLETE​ and when you marry​ the wrong woman,​ you are
FINISHED!​ When your wife catches​ you with another woman​ you are
COMPLETELY FINISHED​ and when your
wife​ likes shopping​ so much you are
FINISHED COMPLETELY!

I never knew our house has a lot of corners until my mum said Ayo go and bring me those fried meat dat is inside the home theatre carton at d back of d cupboard near d visitor's room.

When you buy a phone of N640,000 and a SIM card of N50.
Few days later the phone gets missing and all you can say is " it's not even the phone that is paining me, it's the SIM card".
Alaye......, if I slap you eh, your ancestors will feel dizzy

If the children of Israel were like Girls of today while
crossing the red sea, they would hv spent the whole day in d middle of the sea, taking pictures and uploading it on Facebook, whatsapp,bbm, Twitter
even on instagram with comments like:
(1). Chilling with bro Moses.
(2). Miracle things on point.
(3). Cruising on the red sea.
(4). Omo see fish flexing.
(5). Pharaoh no fit catch us.
(6). Fish for sale, ping for delivery.
(7). Flexing with uncle Aaron
( . Swimming mood activated.
(9). Me and my boo on fish hunting
(10). We don cross the red sea na God win. Share with your friends and let them laugh too

English Language is not by force, if u can't speak correctly, kindly use pidgin or your mother Tongue.Today at First Bank, I told a girl " excuse me, pls move back I want to pass" and she said " PLEASE! PLEASE!! PLEASE!!! I can't go backer than this, this is the backest I can go, can't you see there is somebody in front of my back?gbagam!!3 pple Fainted. Overdose_forming on pooiii

*REASON WHY SOME IGBO PEOPLE DON'T GREET ELDERS IN THEIR VILLAGE...*
*Just greet an old woman and she will tell you the story of your generation like;*
Morning Nwam, Bia, Is this not Okechukwu the son of Ebube, the man who raped two girls before getting married to Obiageli the daughter of the
wine tapper who fell from a palm tree while staring at the buttocks of Juliliana the village famous prostitute who aborted sixteen pregnancies before getting married to Okeke the Dibia man from the neighboring village. Is it not your Grandfather that died of madness?
Nwam, so you have grown so big, Kedu?
IGBO KWENO

Nothing teaches patience than a "Shaking charger".

Teacher: Why Are You Late
Johnson: My Parents Were Fightin'
Teacher: Is That A Valid Reason.
Johnson: Yes, My Mom Was Using My Shoe To Beat Dad,So I Had To Wait.

*****God help 9ja***** Because someone couldn't afford #50 for transport fare, he trekked and trekked under the hot sun until his shadow left him and entered bike. No be joke.....

Heartbreaks are bad Chai..My cousin has been washing one plate for 49 mins. That's why I gave my heart to Jesus.

Grandpa said to grand son,"see, your teacher is coming.Go and hide because you've missed school for two days." Grand son replied,
"I took an excuse that you died; so go and hide.

*Because you have New Crush in your area. You now wear Suit to fetch water . Bros. Kneel down lets pray Sense is far from

I had a dream last night, I was driving 2016 Range Rover but I woke up I can't remember where I parked it. Should I report to the Police.

A teacher in Ogbomosho asked his students, 1+1= ?. A student stood up and said 4. An Edo man passing by overheard the response , he shook his head and said: "This APC government will kill us in this country, everything has increased: dollar, transport fare, fuel prices, foodstuff,...everything, even 1+1 that used to be 2 has now gone up to 4. Everything in Nigeria has increased, even the voice that usually say "to copy this tune press one" is now saying "to copy this tune press eleven". Don't laugh alone pass on to others too.

When you submit your C.V for a job interview,& one week later you went to buy Suya from Aboki and you discover it was the C.V you submitted that was used to wrap the suya for you
THE WITCHES IN YOUR VILLAGE WILL BE LIKE​¡¡¡¡
IT'S OUR WORK OOOH​,SOFTWORK​!!!

U are 33 years old and ur role model is Emmanuella.....
Can't u see d devil is using ur life and destiny to play naira bet....

That awkward moment when after inserting a Disc in your dvd and find out its a porn video.....immediately, nepa takes light and brings it back in the night when ur entire family has gathered to watch d film showing last memory.
U don die
my brother start thinking of a suitable explanation to give.

Our Reading For Today Is Taken From The Book Of APC
Chapter 1 Verse 1 To 19....

1. And it came to pass, when the Lord would punish Nigeria,
that he gave them a president
under whose hand they were mightily oppressed.
2. Before he ascended the throne, he made them hope, with
all manner of promises,
that he would bring them to the promised land before the
coming year began.
3. Thus the inhabitants of Nigeria grew restless with their
good condition, and sorely
vexed the president under whose hand they had prospered,
so that he would not have the office of the president again,
but rather resented it.
4. In those days also the Boko haramites laid siege to the
north, and slew of the people three and twenty thousand,
intending to set up a kingdom which would be ruled by
Islam.
5. Thus the inhabitants of Nigeria remembered not the good
deeds of Jonathan, but thrust him out of the throne, and
made Buhari president in his stead.
6. Buhari was two-score and twelve years old when he began
to reign. He reigned one and a half years in Nigeria, and the
land became impoverished under
him and the hausites, the igbolites and yorubites began
murmuring against the President.
7. But the President continued to persecute also a few of the
people, accusing them and casting them into prison. Thus,
the opposition was subdued, the people could not find
bread and rice to eat and there was hunger in the land.
8. And the end became uncertain as there was
wailing and gnashing of teeth and as soon as the president
heard this he began to travel around d the world and in the
middle of his reign he launched a campaign to say to the
people "Change begins with you.
9. And in those days, there came a disagreement between
the president and his household. And the woman of his 'old
age (not youth)' chastised him in a proverb saying 'he who
the gods want to remove from position he first makes deaf',
as he no longer listens to her.
10. In response to her, while in a far away land with the
Germanites, he rebuked her and reminded her of her duties
as a wife, saying "while he belongs to everybody and
nobody, 'she belongs to the kitchen, the living room and the
other room'".
11. And these sentences caused
uproar and division in the land, which greatly caused
division in the land among its inhabitants..
12 Tell it not in Germany. Tell it not in the streets of Abuja,
how art the mighty fallen? Knoweth thou not that Sai Buhari
has goofed and it's now "to your tents oh Nigerians!
13. And it came to pass, the seventh month in the year
twenty sixteen, that the LORD sent forth an Ideology through
the Son of Sergey, the Russianite whose name was Mavrodi.
14. For he shalt take the people out of slavery and deliver
them out of poverty through that Ideology called MMM.
15. CBNites and SECnites shall gang up and fight against thee
but thou shalt conquer.
16. And for ye thou follow MMM, thou shalt be safe and be
delivered from slavery and poverty.
17.And it came to pass when the son of sergey,mavrodi saw
the quantity of treasury the people of Nigeria has made into
his ware-house(account) and then hardenth his heart against
the lord that sent him to deliver Nigerians from poverty and
made-away(defraud) with their treasury thereby causing
death,heartbroke,agony and gnashing of teeth in the Nation
18.When mavrodi saweth that there was agony and gnashing
of teeth in the land which he has done evil unto and the
people were making burnt offerings to the lord their god
against him,he then presented them with a false promise
concerning the fourteenth day of the first month in the year
twenty seventeen that there shall be a flow of milk and
honey in the land
19.But verily verily I say unto you that surely thunder and
curse shall follow him all the days of his life and he shall beg
for bread in the land of Nigeria forever and ever if he did
not return the joy and happiness of the people of the
land.Amen

When you buy your girlfriend phone and another man buys her airtime. That's called, "Division of Labour".
When you buy your girlfriend
underwear and another man removes it.That's called, "Separation of Powers".
When you pay your girlfriend fees and another man pays her rent. That's called, "Combined Business".
When your girlfriend says she is not ready for sex and another man gets her pregnant. What will you call that? ..............

Lets remember some funny truth said by the kids. 1. Daddy lied in the church that he had an accident when it was Mummy that hit his head. 2. Daddy said Mummy is too wide and he's not a good swimmer. Is mummy a swimming pool?. 3. I think Mummy is still a virgin. 4. I saw an original balloon in Daddy's room but Daddy has spat in it. 5. Mummy was mad at Daddy yesterday because he touched Aunty Angela's bum bum. 6. I know why my Daddy is always reading newspapers. So that Mummy won't ask him for feeding money. 7. Daddy has shaved his beard because Mummy said he looked like an he goat. 8. The landlord will never give us quick notice because my mother is his friend. 9. I know when my daddy collects his salary because my mummy will call him sweetheart. 10. Why is Daddy always fighting with Mummy in bed but yet Mummyd Aunty Rukky that Daddy gave her gonorrhea, is it truth?. Is Daddy a gonorrhea distributor? Some parents will kill their child if they find out what they say about them outside. COMMENT BELOW WHICH OF THE ABOVE YOU SAID WHEN YOU WERE A KID

CAN THIS EVER HAPPE!!!!!
GIRL: Hi handsome.
BOY: Mcheeew (rolling his eyes)
GIRL: C’mon I mean no harm dude. Just spare me a few minutes of your time.
BOY: say what you have to and leave immediately.
GIRL: okay I have been watching you pass here everyday and i feel
attracted to you.
BOY: only that? GIRL: I think you are hydrogen cause whenever I see you my heart beats with a pop sound.
BOY: (blushing) aaaww stop the flattery.
GIRL: I’m damn serious. Can’t you see that am not sobber and am staggering? That simply proves that am drunk in love with you.
BOY: (smiling) go straight to The point, can’t you see am busy? drawing patterns on The ground
using his feet)
GIRL:wow your smile is like Al Quaeda terrorists cause it has just
captured The territory of my
heart.Please give me a chance to invest in your heart business and you will see The profits through
my love for you.
BOY:You girls are just the same. You Just want to use me then dump me heartlessly.
GIRL: OMG! Dats so inhuman. I
want to show you true love that can never even be witnessed in the Soap Operas.
BOY: Kkk let me think
about it then I will reply you later.
GIRL: Okay handsome, take as
much time as you want. Whatever your decision is, I will respect IT but please say Yes.
MY QUESTION: Will there
ever be a beautiful time like this?
where girls will do the ‘toasting’ and we The boys
do the ‘blushing’ or is it just a wishful dreaming

PRAYER WARRIORS This is how some prayer warriors make GOSSIP sound like PRAYER POINTS. They start like this, "People Of God, let's remember Brother Tobi Alex in our prayers. He has gonorrhea and doctors said they are even screening him for HIV too, but we know that our God can heal him. So brothers and sisters let's pray for divine healing, pray, pray." "Brethren let's also pray for Sister Annabel and Brother Chinedu. Sister Annabel is pregnant for Brother Chinedu and Brother Chinedu is not ready for marriage now, you know they are not married abi? Okay! He told her to abort it but she refused. The situation is tearing them and their families apart. Let's pray to God for peace and amicable settlement." "Children of God's kingdom, let's remember Mr and Mrs Kwame in our prayers. Mr Kwame left Mrs Kwame for Sister Joy in the choir. That light skin slim sister that works in the Bank, Hmmm! Let's pray for God to restore Mr and Mrs Kwame marriage." "Brethren pray, open your mouth and pray. The Lord will answer us." "And finally before we round up, let us lift Sister Rosemary before the Lord. She has been suspended from her place of work due to some fraud in her office. We know she is innocent. Even though she has been wearing some bling bling lately plus that new car she just bought. Erhh, let's pray that as the police are carrying out their investigations, those things will not be seized. Please praaaaay! She is our Sister. Pray, pray, pray!!!"