POEM BATTLE

WIFE: I wrote your name on sand it got washed. I wrote your name in air, it was blown away. Then I wrote your name on my heart & I got Heart Attack.
AKPOS: God saw me hungry, he created pizza. He saw me thirsty, He created Pepsi. He saw me in darkness, He created light. He saw me without problems, He created YOU.
WIFE:.. Twinkle twinkle little star You should know what you are .. And once you know what you are Mental hospital is not so far.
AKPOS: The rain makes all things beautiful. The grass and flowers too. If rain makes all things beautiful Why doesn’t it rain on you..?
WIFE: …Roses are red; Violets are blue. Monkeys like u should be kept in ZOO. Don’t feel so angry you will find me there too… Not in cage but laughing at YOU

Who nailed it, AKPORS or his WIFE?

Comedy: Hayorlad Laughing Gas (Ep cool - New Creature


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gaoi0W1LxZg&feature=youtu.be

IBADAN GIRLS BE LIKE
1. Thank God for a brown new day!
2. My god is upsome!
3. Why are people so weekend? (coz they are Friday)
4. Not all dat glitters are goats! (goatn’t it!!??)
5. Majority carries the volt (volt ko!? transformer ni?)
6. May your name be highly exhausted!
7. My waste is paining me!
8. Thank God for spearing my life (with arrow abi with dagger?)
9. What is strong with you? (strong kor.. decoder ni)
10. Lord! you are the killer dat holds my life! (GBOOOOOOOOMM!!)
11. Pls, how much is ur age? (na 22naira o!)
12. Look to the window, the principal just passed away (na you kill am abi?)
13. I am not priding pls
14. Lord let ur wheel be done…(God’ wheelbarrow spoil b4?)
Laff go kill me for here ooo Chei

1.) You earn 50k/month, but u wear human hair of 120k & own a BB Q10 + iPhone5, yet u go 2 church crying 4 miracle when u are already performing magic.

2.) You are in the car with ur DAD and Rihanna’s song titled “shut up nd drive” is playing ur dad asked “what is d title of this song”? Wat wud u say?

3.) man came in contact with a lion face to face in the jungle, imediately he knelt in prayers for God to save him, wen he opened his eyes he found d lion kneelin in front of him in form of prayers, so he asked d lion Are you a christian tooo? The lion replied angrily ” why are you interuptin me, DON’T YOU PRAY BEFORE EATING

There was a group of women gathered at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband. The women were asked, ‘How many of you love your husbands?’ All the women raised their hands. Then they were asked, ‘When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?’ Some women answered today, some yesterday, some didn’t remember. The women were then told to take their cell phones and send the following text to their respective husband: I love you, sweetheart. Then the women were told to exchange phones and read the responding text messages. Here are some of the replies:

1. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick?
2. What now? Did you crash the car again?
3. I don’t understand what you mean?
4. What did you do now? I won’t forgive you this time!!!
5. ?!?
6. Don’t beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
7. Am I dreaming? ?
8. If you don’t tell me who this message is actually for, you will die today…!!!
9. I asked you not to drink anymore!! ..
and the one dat cracks everyone’s rib:
10. Who is this?

Gbosaaaaaaaaaa

I was a candidate at a JAMB Examination. We were writing Use Of English. I shaded the ones I knew and was waiting for manner to fall from Heaven when I noticed a very beautiful girl sitting beside me.
She was shading and was not looking up. Through the help of my long neck, I peeped and checked her work, she was on number 65, I was still on number 21 and time was running out. I quickly thanked God and started shading along with her.
We got to number 98 together, suddenly, she looked up, caught me and shouted in a low tone, “What is it? Why is you dey copying me? Copys! copys! You is not shaming! As big as you are! You are a disgrace to your manhood!
Na so I shout “Heeeey! heeeeyyy!!! I am finished!, who has eraser!!!”

Yekpa!!!

A lady sent #400 airtym 2 me & she shared a testimony d followin day.. Anoda gentle guy sent me #800 airtym nd his galfrnd accepted his marriage proposal dat same day.Jst last week. A man sent #1500 to me and he has gotten American visa & a job wit an oil company..U may b d nxt 2 share ur testimony, send urs now cos miracles are still happening,Rush now b4 its 2 late. If you don’t mind, am using AIRTEL

Benji and Wole were sitting outside a clinic. Benji was crying very loud.

Wole asked: “Why are you crying?”

Benji sobbed: “I came for a blood test.”

Wole asked: “so are you afraid?”

Benji: “For blood test they have to cut my finger.”

As Wole heard this, he started crying profusely.

Astonished, Benji asked Wole “Why are you crying now?”

Wole replied: “I came for a urine test, and u know what that means. Yekpa! I don die oo

Johnbull’s first day in new a school.
Teacher: There will be an elementary science test next week. Contrary to his nature, Johnbull reads his book from cover to cover like no man’s business. On test day, teacher lines up about 5 birds, covering each with a piece of cloth so only their legs are visible.
Question 1: Looking at the leg of a bird write down its’ common name, species, family, zoological name, habitat etc. After about 20mins of frustration and not writing down anything, Johnbull storms to the teacher’s desk and slams his blank
sheet in front of the teacher. ‘Sir, this test makes no sense! I am going home!’
Teacher: What a rude boy! Come back here. What is your name?
Johnbull raises his trouser and points to his leg: ‘Oya u too, look my leg na, tell me my name, my surname, where I dey live, which tribe I come from, oya na

Akpors father was inside a bus going to his village when he suddenly realised thats his purse containing all his money was missing. Somebody had picked it from his pocket. He looked around the bus, everybody was calm, well seated and enjoying the ride. Thinking of what to do, within som few seconds an idea struck his mind. Making sure that everybody in the bus could hear him, he said: somebody stole my purse from my pocket.
People in d bus: no answer.
Papa Akpors continued: I said somebody picked my purse containing my money from my pocket.
People in the bus (lukin at him): stil no answer.
Papa Akpors: if the person that stole my pulse does not want what hapenned in 1994 to repeat itsef now, the person should own up now.
People in the Bus: now everybody was looking around and at each other. Some murmuring among themselves.
Papa Akpors: i said what hapen in 1994 wil repeat itself now if the thief did nt return my purse.
People in the bus: now everybody were seriuos. Som asking within themselves what hapen in 1994. And even others are beginning to suspect Papa Akpors as a native doctor or a wizard.
Within a minute, Papa Akpors saw his purse on floor of the bus. An unknown person had thrown it there. Papa Akpors picked his purse and check his money. Then comfirming the amount to his satisfaction.
The people in the bus were amazed, how they wish they could realy know what happened in 1994 .
One teenager, a very beautiful girl with a glasses approached papa Akpors were he was sitting and asked him that he would like to know what hapen in 1994. Papa Akpors looked at her, smiled and said: in1994 i was in the bus like thiss and they stole my money. Na leg I take waka go house.
(like father like son! )

Here’s how to tell a guy their zip is open.

1.)I see you have an opening in senior management
2.) The cucumber has left the salad
3.) Darth Vader is out looking for his light saber.
4.) You’ve got Windows in your laptop
5.) I see the priest is hearing confessions.
6.) John Thomas Dey penalty spot
7.) XYZ (examine your zipper)

I went to warri recently if you see name of churches, ha! my broda even Satan self dey fear. Make I yarn una. you will see something like this.

{1} SATAN UR OWN DON KPAFUKA EVANGELICA MINISTRY

{2} Operation carry devil nack for ground bible ministry.

{3} The atomic bomb bible brigadia barack ministry *aka* shoot d devil make im eye clear.

{4}Satan wetin we do you evangelical church of God.*aka* Satan leave us alone.

{5} Operation no look Uche face biblical church of Christ.*aka* slap Satan face make im eye clear ministry.

{6} Pay your tithe and offering church of God.*aka* pay ur tithe n win generator gospeler.

{7} Satan if you try me, you go hear ween prayer ministry

{8} Satan chop make i chop bible assemble *aka* we no dey find Satan trouble ministry.

The next name shock me no be small ….. . . . .
{9} Bokoharam prayer ministry
devil u go fear. Hey!! Warrrriii!!! we hail oo

Patrick Obahiangbor reacts to Super Eagles Victory

“Its my emblem pleasure to congratulate our Superior Melofarm exclamagated Bermasaur on their recent victory against ivory coast. As the refermed, solid giants are to face Winners of the later game in an uncavoured camfamgnam match, my empyrean paradisiac rendezvous advice to the Super Eagles is for them to recumbently metragaloblicly believe in God. If possible, they should parademically paralyze their pistulated orthodexial legs. I wish Them arxiatical luck”

Abeg una understand anything?

Interesting Facts About The Human Body

1.) Your nose and ears never stop growing.

2.) Men get hiccups more often than women.

3.)Your ribs move about 5 million times a year, every time you breathe.

4.) The length of a man’s penis is equal to the length of his thumb times 3

5.) Every time you lick a stamp, you’re consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

6.) One quarter of the bones in your body are in your feet.

7.) Like fingerprints, everyone’s tongue print is different.

8.) Women have already finished reading while The men are still looking at their thumb.

A man goes into the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving at him. She says “Hello.” He is rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he asks, “Do you know me?” To which she replies, “You are the father of one of my children.”
Now his mind travels back to the only time he was ever unfaithful to his wife. So he asks, “Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table while your partner whipped my behind with wet celery?” She looks into his eyes and says calmly, “No, I am your son’s teacher.”

Uncle: What’s 10 plus 10?

AKPOS: I don’t know.

Uncle: Idiot! You can’t answer such a cheap sum…Your stupidity will kill you.

AKPOS: Uncle, if you saw a 1000 naira note and a 500 naira note which would you pick?

Uncle: 1000 of course

AKPOS: Can’t you pick both? Na Poverty go kill you.

Patricks Obahiagbon’s girlfriends phone rings


Patrick Obahiagbon : Mary, your cellular gadget has intercepted some electromagnetic waves and is currently summoning your attention

Mary: What ?
Patrick Obahiagbon:your phone is ringing

Mary : i am in the shower sweety,please answer it for me

Patrick Obahiagbon: hello….

CALLER: Ndandeko na Mary (NYANJA).

Patrick Obahiagbon: your lingual is foreign to my cochlea. Please utter alphabets in a universal manner so that I can derive sense from this dialogue

CALLER: where is Mary ?

Patrick Obahiagbon: Mary is currently interacting with a hot shower in my master bedroom that is located at the attic section of my bungalow. She cannot commence dialogue with u as her phone is not water proof like the one I own which can receive calls even while i’m submerged in my marbled Jacuzzi.

CALLER: who is this ?

Patrick Obahiagbon: do you have air-time of N100 , 000 and above? any airtime below that amount is not enough to permit me to finish explaining to u who I am via the phone as my accolades are too numerous. But to comprehend me better, visit any bookshop near you and purchase a book titled “knowing professor Obahiagbon, the individual with English PHD’s whose number exceeds the mythical lives of a cat”..i authored it when I was senator in the previous regime

CALLER: who are you to mary ?

Patrick Obahiagbon: I am the individual whom Mary surrenders to her fauna in absentia of clothing…..

CALLER: come again ?

Patrick Obahiagbon: Yes I am the individual who relays copulative sensations to Mary’s pelvic areas

CALLER: say that again i i don’t understand ?

Patrick Obahiagbon: I am the individual who exposes Mary’s lower limbs to mirror an obtuse angle . I’am Mary’s boyfriend,And who are u ?

CALLER: its Mary’s mother
Patrick Obahiagbon: good morning ma, how home

Patrick Obahiagbon: hello mama I dey greet na

Patrick Obahiagbon: mama mama mama

What Do You Think??

i am very suprised he has delete me from his BB, even if I call him , he does nt pick, he even delete me from his facebook and twitter.
Just because I gave him this list, for Xmas & new year, uptil now I’ve never seen him again. just because I said he shud buy:
1. Brazillian hair- N95k (ninety five thousand)
2. Gucci bag- N350k (three hundred and fifty thousand)
3. Louis vitton wallet- N60k (sixty thousand )
4. Prada shoes- N140k (hundred & forty thousand)
5. DNKY wrist watch- N70k (seventy thousand)
6. Aldo sandals- N28k (twenty five thousand)
7. Blackberry porsche- N235k (two hundred & thirty five thousand)
one Ipad 5 and a Ticket Dubai for two weeks, and N500k ….. (five hundred thousand) for pocket money .
Please tell me, is this enough reason for him to leave me,, if he really love me?
,,
,,,
,,,,
WADAYA THINK?

MEANING OF KISS


1.) Prof. of Algebra: a “KISS” is infinity, because it is two dividedby nothing (not zero).
Prof. of Geometry: a “KISS” is the shortest distance between two lips.

2.) Prof. of Physics: a “KISS” is the contraction of two mouths, due to the expansion of the heart.

3.) Prof. of Chemistry: a “KISS” is the reaction of an interaction between two hearts.

4.) Prof. of Zoology: a “KISS” is the interchange of friendly salivary bacteria.

5.) Prof. of Physiology: a “KISS” is the juxtaposition of two orbicularis oris muscles in the state of contraction.

6.) Prof. of Dentistry: a “KISS” is bothinfectious & antiseptic.
Prof. of Accounting: a “KISS” is a credit because it is profitable when returned.

7.) Prof. of Economics: a “KISS” is that thing for which the demand is always higher than the supply.

8.) Prof. of Statistics: a “KISS” is an event whose probability dependson the vital statistics of two minds and hearts.

9.) Prof. of Philosophy: a “KISS” is persecution for the child, ecstasy for youth, and homage for the old.

10.) Prof. of English: a “KISS” is a nounthat is used as a conjunction; it ismore common than proper; it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all.

11.) Prof. of Computer Science: What is a “KISS”? It looks to be an undefined variable, whose possible value can equal love.

12.) Prof. of Architecture: a “KISS” is a process which builds a solid bondbetween two dynamic objects.

Wicked Guy

A bus carrying many people crashed on an icy road, burst into flames, and killed everyone. Upon arrival in heaven, Angel Gabriel says “Since you have died in a terrible way, I’ll grant you one wish before I let you into heaven.” The first woman, being a person always concerned on her looks, comes up to Angel Gabriel and says “I wish to be beautiful.” Angel Gabriel grants her wish. The next person can’t decide on what to wish for so ends up wishing for the same thing. At this point Apkors at the very back of the line starts to laugh. The next couple of people make their wish to become beautiful and Apkors at the end laughs even louder.One after another the people wish the same thing and the closer Angel Gabriel gets to the end of the line, the harder Apkors
laughs. When Angel Gabriel finally reaches him, he asks “What is your wish my son?” Akpors says, “Make them all ugly again!”

AKPORS IN A BIBLE STUDY CLASS

Teacher: What is the surname of Lazarus that Jesus rose from the death?
Akpors: COMFORT
Teacher: Why did you say?
Akpors: Read your bible carefully sir, when Jesus called Lazarus he included his surname
Teacher: How?
Akpors: He called with a loud voice saying “LAZARUS COMFORT”

Sugar FREE

Akpors enters Supermarket to buy himself an orange juice.
He paid for the orange juice and walked out with sugar under his arm, unpaid.
At the door he was arrested and locked up.
During the court hearing, the judge asked him why he paid for the juice only and stole the sugar?
He replied,
“I do not steal. At the back of the juice bottle is said:
SUGAR FREE! You think I am silly or what?”

Dem Don Change Am? LWKMD!
NOTHING WEY AKPORS KNOW! TEACHER: Class.. What is 5 + 3?.. AMBALI: The answer is 8.. AKPORS: Shuoooo!!, Dem don change am?, No be 4 + 4 be 8 ??

Akpors Don Upgrade O

EKAITTE: Why is your shirt having another lady’s perfume?
AKPORS: That querry is rather rhetorical.. However I detest what you are insinuating.
EKAITTE: Are you cheating on me?
AKPORS: I haven’t breached our matrimonial vows. Just shared a lift with a lady and her scent must have diffused and precipitated to form residue on my shirt. Just physics at play. How many times must I recycle the utterance that your genitials are the sole destination of my seminal fluids?
EKAITTE: You are no longer the man I thought you were. Lets call it quits!
AKPORS: You want us to diverge because your nose buds registered a foreign scent? I said I will abide by you better or worse, but this has surpassed the worse parameter and has encroached into the insanity zone which was not provided for in the vows.. Anyway, have your way, lets break up!
EKAITTE: Aaawww baby, I was just jealous.. I’m sorry!
AKPORS: I repel your remorse sensations.. Your infedelity claims have battered me therefore Kindly please radiate with your belongings from the vicinity of my bungalow at a simmillar speed to light before the personnel of a security firm forcefully does it.

Guess Work
Andrew a Lawyer…its Legal. Anthony a Doctor…its Healthy. Sule a Policeman…its Secure. Moji an Actor…its Thrilling. Ayo an Artist…its Creative. Chukwuma a Businessman…i ts Profitable. John a Teacher…its Educative. Peter a Pastor…its Spiritual. Ebele an Accountant…it s Financial. Princess an Author…its Adventrous. Daniel a Musician…its Romantic. Akpos a Politician…It’s……? (Barawo, Cheating, stealing, liar …….! )

Where two or three are gathered

1.) Where 2 or 3 Yoruba people are gathered IJEBU GARRI must be there.
2.) Where 2 or 3 Isoko people are gathered OGOGORO must be there.
3.) Where 2 or 3 Hausa men are gathered GORO must be there.
4.) Where 2 or 3 Calabar people are gathered DOG MEAT must be there.
5.) where 2 or 3 fulani people are gathered, MANSHANU must be there.
6.) Then where 2 or 3 Igbo men are gathered what must be there ….MONEY!!!

How To Know Say You Get Chinese Phone


1.) The battery gets full after 3 minutes of charging

2.) Na so so two sims dey inside

3.) The phone has a tv, microwave, nail cutter, separate speakers, toothbrush, lighter , all inside

5.) Your text messages can be written with toothpick

6.) There is some spelling mistakes e.g,Nokla,SamVang, Darkberry, iporn

7.) You dey inside club dey buble and you can still hear the caller.

English Made In Naija

1. If I hear pim.
2. You go hear ween.
3. Have they brought light?
4. The film is sweet.
5. Mummy have come.
6. Have you paid your school fees money?
7. Put the bread inside lylon
8. Oya come and be going.
9. I kukuma no get your time.
10. I go break ur head
11. Take this money hold body
12. Una dey fall my hand
13. Omo, i don hammer
14. You too dey Bleep up
15. Na dis man get mouth pass
16. Yawa don burst
17. Garri sweet die
18. See as hin just dey form like ajebutter

If you be correct naija pikin you can add your own for this list.
Oya Lets Goooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Oga bricklayer, Okitiku go night school …

Teacher:Who can make a sentence with “fire”.
Okitiku:The fire is burning.
Teacher: That’s good, But make a long sentence?
Okitiku: The fire is burning oooooooooo.

LIKE FATHER LIKE SON


Mr Akpors got drunk & came home very late. He sat on the door step for thirty minutes trying to figure out what to tell his harsh and super strict wife, Ekaitte, the reason for his lateness.
He gained courage, opened the door and found Ekaitte and his son watching a late Night movie. He passed them and went upstairs, his heart pounding hard. To his surprise, his wife didn’t say a word.
Just to confirm, he decided to walk past them,and again back to the upstairs corridor. But his wife didn’t say a word. He signal his son to come. And he asked him; “How come today your mother isn’t speaking?. or even uttering a word!”
The boy replied; “She asked me for lipstick and I gave her glue”

HOW TO KNOW IF YOU ARE CURSED.


1. If you download anything from the internet and it fails at 90%.

2. If you buy a phone at 50K today and the next day the price drops to 25K.

3. You go to the restaurant on your first date, and after eating fish, the bone chokes u!

4. After working for 30days, you get fired without salary.

5. If you take expo to the exam hall and you can’t understand your own handwriting.

6. If u woo a girl, take her to your room for action and Junior does not stand.

7. If after using a strong heavy perfume, your body odour still remains stronger than RAID!

8. If after photoshopping your picture, you still look ugly.

9. If you Break-up with your Boyfriend and he wins 100M the next day.

10. If the person you were cursing out in traffic turns out to be the one interviewing you for a Job.

11. If you lied to Armed Robbers that you don’t have a phone, then the phone ringz with dis tune (Chop my money..I don’t care…)

Little Akpors was attending his first wedding. After the service, his younger cousin – Okon asked him, “How many women can a man marry?”
“Sixteen.” Akpors responded.
Okon was amazed that he answered so quickly and asked; “How do you know that?”
“Easy,” Akpors replied, “all you have to do is add it up, like the preacher said:
‘FOUR better, FOUR worse, FOUR richer,
FOUR poorer’.