Right now I don't know how to feel. The problem is that my husband of six months plus has not been providing anything for the family since we got married.
Before marriage he told me he was making enough money to cater for a family. He even mentioned a six figure amount and said he doesn't make anything less than that in any given month. I asked him several times and he assured me that he is capable of providing.

He said he was fully capable of taking care of a family with his entrepreneurship business which he is into. The business is all about buying and selling and he has to source for customers to buy his wares if not he doesn't make any money.

Since we got married he isn't even pulling his weight to get buyers. The first month after our marriage he was at home not doing anything, his excuse was that he was resting after the stress of marriage activities. I has to talk and talk and complain and after that he started going out once in a while to source for customers and then will come back home with the same story of he couldn't find any buyers. Even at that he never goes out to try to get something doing, anything else like a job no matter how small the salary is, he is always in the house lying down or going to a local joint nearby to sit with the neighbours.

I am running out of money to take care of both of us. The job I have doesn't pay me well I don't know how to handle him anymore since cajoling isn't working. He just isn't interested in providing for us and seems to be fully satisfied with just staying at home and eating food.
The last time he went out to get customers was during the Easter break. He wanted to stay home all day and I had to start explaining again why it's better for him to go out as and get a job instead of staying indoors.
If I don't complain he doesn't pull his weight.
I am tired.
I feel so angry but I don't know how to express my anger. What annoys me is not the fact that he doesn't provide but the fact that he lied to me about having a steady source of income before I married him.

How did he get money to fund d traditional wedding and church mariage

dingbang:
How did he get money to fund d traditional wedding and church mariage

he didnt fund it.

My parents covered up to ninety percent of wedding expenses. They wanted to help so that he can use his money for our new family after marriage instead of blowing it on wedding party.

How did you meet him? Did you both ever dated before you married him? Alot of question needs to be asked, what does he even sale?

sunnydayasaba:
How did you meet him? Did you both never dated before you married him? Alot of question needs to be asked, what does he even sale?

I met him a year and half before our marriage at a social event.

Am sorry but I can't tell you what he sells for privacy reasons.

Aunty sorry oh. you have enter. just try and look for a way out! you should have seen signs while dating.

needforanswers:


I feel so angry but I don't know how to express my anger. What annoys me is not the fact that he doesn't provide but the fact that he lied to me about having a steady source of income before I married him.

My sister, may I just ask how long you 'courted' before getting married. I bet it is short courting process or was it long distance relationship?, because you should have noticed or learned that he either 1. cannot keep a job or 2. he indeed did not have a steady source of income.

This is what the 'risks' of marriage are. You just never know whom you marry until the deed is done.

Just manage with what you can....perhaps ask for family members' help (and God) and PRAY for that man of yours to be man about things.

Sorry.

needforanswers:

I met him a year and half before our marriage at a social event.

Am sorry but I can't tell you what he sells for privacy reasons.

You forgot to pay attention to his work habits/ethics or is it you were blinded by the initial 'gra gra' or 'bling bling' or as your case may be.

Dating/courting process is for 'investigation', 'learning' time NOT for pre-wedding pictures and showing off to friends that you have snagged a man.

Due deligence process is when you literally investigate these issues ahead of time. He couldn't have conned you for 1.5 years unless it was long distance.

Xiadnat:


You forgot to pay attention to his work habits/ethics or is it you were blinded by the initial 'gra gra' or 'bling bling' or as your case may be.

Dating/courting process is for 'investigation', 'learning' time NOT for pre-wedding pictures and showing off to friends that you have snagged a man.

Due deligence process is when you literally investigate these issues ahead of time. He couldn't have conned you for 1.5 years unless it was long distance.

thanks for your words of advice.

Yes, it was indeed a long distance relationship. I only used to pay him a visit once in a while like once in three months and even at that I dont spend up to a week because I don't want temptation to step in since we were in a no-sex relationship.

I keep telling single ladies,don't just accept what he says,get proof.If he says he works in a certain office,you must visit and even try to meet colleagues.If he says business,get involved in the business,do a bit with him sef.Have an idea what he's making.You are not pokenosing but knowing what foundation you want to build on.

As it is now,keep pushing him.Withdraw some supplies.Refuse to pay for certain things in the house.
You have entered it and unless you plan to opt out so soon,you have to bear.Hopefully,he will change.

needforanswers:


he didnt fund it.

My parents covered up to ninety percent of wedding expenses. They wanted to help so that he can use his money for our new family after marriage instead of blowing it on wedding party.

Smh.

If he is not man enough to fund his own wedding
Then he's not man enough to take care of you.
Prognose.

needforanswers:


thanks for your words of advice.

Yes, it was indeed a long distance relationship. I only used to pay him a visit once in a while like once in three months and even at that I dont spend up to a week because I don't want temptation to step in since we were in a no-sex relationship.

You didn't lay your foundation properly.Even if it was a no-sex relationship,you should have tried meeting people he worked or did business with.It's marriage we're talking so you had to do some investigative work!

needforanswers:


he didnt fund it.

My parents covered up to ninety percent of wedding expenses. They wanted to help so that he can use his money for our new family after marriage instead of blowing it on wedding party.

Hmmm,even if parents are going to support,you should have tried finding out how much of 'this money for new family' he actually had.

thorpido:
You didn't lay your foundation properly.Even if it was a no-sex relationship,you should have tried meeting people he worked or did business with.It's marriage we're talking so you had to do some investigative work!

No use crying over spilt milk.

Madam, continue your prodding. Like others have said, you don enter already. Hopefully with time he will improve.

Prognose:


No use crying over spilt milk.

Madam, continue your prodding. Like others have said, you don enter already. Hopefully with time he will improve.

I'm writing because of single ladies who are reading too.

Op,continue your prodding,hopefully,he will change.

thorpido:

As it is now,keep pushing him.Withdraw some supplies.Refuse to pay for certain things in the house.

this is actually what I plan to do. Maybe it will get him out of his comfort zone.

I didn't renew our DSTV subsciption when it expired so we havent watched tv in more than a week. Also, I plan to stop subscibing for our prepaid meter for electricity.
I will also reduce our feeding to twice a day. If he still doesn't budge then once a day.

Prognose:

Smh.

If he is not man enough to fund his own wedding
Then he's not man enough to take care of you.
Prognose.

i know I made a mistake and I regret it presently.

The attempts I made to find out what he has saved in his bank accounts were met with refusal by him. He kept insisting that he saved money and he can cater for us and there is no need for him to show me his account.

I also hardly used to ask him for money when we were dating because I didn't want to come across as materialistic and because he said he was saving money to invest for the future.

I regret everything now.

I feel so stupid for believing and trusting him.

needforanswers:


this is actually what I plan to do. Maybe it will get him out of his comfort zone.

I didn't renew our DSTV subsciption when it expired so we havent watched tv in more than a week. Also, I plan to stop subscibing for our prepaid meter for electricity.
I will also reduce our feeding to twice a day. If he still doesn't budge then once a day.

Good one,especially the TV and electricity and of course fuel for gen.
If he doesn't wake up after all these,then there is a personality problem.

thorpido:
Good one,especially the TV and electricity and of course fuel for gen.
If he doesn't wake up after all these,then there is a personality problem.

to be honest I think he has a personality problem.

His married friends are doing so much better than he is but he just doesn't care.

Ladies, whenever a man tells you "I am an entrepreneur", abeg do everything within your power to know his average monthly and yearly earnings, then draw your conclusion. That word has been bastardized in the current day Nigeria.


@OP, I think you are yet to know all about your husband. Speak with him and get him to talk to you about his educational background, etc.

If you love him, I think you can actually shape him to become a better person. You have clearly been deceived, however, you still hold the power to make your marriage work. You may not bring out the best in a man by telling him all the time to go out and work. May be he truly desire to be an entrepreneur; it could be that he finds it really hard to get leads, openings and customers.

Simply make attempts to know what he wants. Sit down together and help each other grow. If he has been walking endlessly in search of jobs, brainstorm together for alternatives, e.g. online - Nairaland.

It won't be east but when he finally and sincerely apologize, please find a place within your heart to forgive him. A sincere apology is required on this case.

needforanswers:

Use contraceptives!

We ladies often fall into such traps because we don't want to be labeled as materialistic or any of those other insulting words people use to describe ladies when they try to make sure the man can contribute financially.

As it is now OP you have to three options.

1) leave him. (drastic huh?)

2) make it clear that he will be the home keeper while you take on the role of provider (and some men are already squirming in their seats).

3) do everything by yourself until you die from the stress. ( probably the choice he'd prefer).

OP I hate to be the one who doesn't have sugar coated words for you but I doubt he will change.
I hope he does.
I'll advice you to Measure your pocket well before you have any kids for now or you will be stuck being a single 'married' mom who has an older adult male child to cater for as well.

Sorry if my post doesn't make you feel better.
But I hope it helps you seriously examine your choices.

How can you not know where your husband is working before getting married to him?
What is the circumstances surrounding ur marriage??
Was he forced to marry you?
Am asking all these because I can't understand why a full grown man will be this lazy and uninterested.
He may be doing all these to get at you.
Something must be wrong somewhere.

nnamdibig:
How can you not know where your husband is working before getting married to him?
What is the circumstances surrounding ur marriage??
Was he forced to marry you?
Am asking all these because I can't understand why a full grown man will be this lazy and uninterested.
He may be doing all these to get at you.
Something must be wrong somewhere.

He wasnt forced into marriage. On the contrary he wanted it more than me because his people were pressuring him to get marriage due to his age. He told me after the wedding that a great weight has been lifted off his shoulder since he is now married.

My own personal belief for why he is doing all this is that he knows I will provide food and money no matter what he does so now I want to be lazy and stop providing as much as before.

Maybe he will sit up.

cococandy:
We ladies often fall into such traps because we don't want to be labeled as materialistic or any of those other insulting words people use to describe ladies when they try to make sure the man can contribute financially.

As it is now OP you have to three options.

1) leave him. (drastic huh?)

2) make it clear that he will be the home keeper while you take on the role of provider (and some men are already squirming in their seats).

3) do everything by yourself until you die from the stress. ( probably the choice he'd prefer).

OP I hate to be the one who doesn't have sugar coated words for you but I doubt he will change.
I hope he does.
I'll advice you to Measure your pocket well before you have any kids for now or you will be stuck being a single 'married' mom who has an older adult male child to cater for as well.

Sorry if my post doesn't make you feel better.
But I hope it helps you seriously examine your choices.

Your post was actually very helpful.
It did make me feel better.
Thanks.

I can't tell him to do my housework because he might pick offence and think I am insulting him or trying to bring him down. He won't understand.

I can't leave him either.

I will reduce the comfort at home. Maybe that will help.

Acidosis:
Ladies, whenever a man tells you "I am an entrepreneur", abeg do everything within your power to know his average monthly and yearly earnings, then draw your conclusion. That word has been bastardized in the current day Nigeria.


@OP, I think you are yet to know all about your husband. Speak with him and get him to talk to you about his educational background, etc.

If you love him, I think you can actually shape him to become a better person. You have clearly been deceived, however, you still hold the power to make your marriage work. You may not bring out the best in a man by telling him all the time to go out and work. May be he truly desire to be an entrepreneur; it could be that he finds it really hard to get leads, openings and customers.

Simply make attempts to know what he wants. Sit down together and help each other grow. If he has been walking endlessly in search of jobs, brainstorm together for alternatives, e.g. online - Nairaland.

It won't be east but when he finally and sincerely apologize, please find a place within your heart to forgive him. A sincere apology is required on this case.

I concur...
op, speak with your husband, he may be having some challenges. .. could be his business isn't doing well which makes his dispirited... he may need some form of encouragement or drive. .

You need to speak with him.. wish you the best. .

needforanswers:


He wasnt forced into marriage. On the contrary he wanted it more than me because his people were pressuring him to get marriage due to his age. He told me after the wedding that a great weight has been lifted off his shoulder since he is now married.

My own personal belief for why he is doing all this is that he knows I will provide food and money no matter what he does so now I want to be lazy and stop providing as much as before.

Maybe he will sit up.

But from what you said, he married to satisfy his people not because he wanted or was ready mentally to marry.
Always pray that she changes.
This kind of thing can be very difficult to deal with.

needforanswers:
Your post was actually very helpful.
It did make me feel better.
Thanks.

I can't tell him to do my housework because he might pick offence and think I am insulting him or trying to bring him down. He won't understand.

I can't leave him either.

I will reduce the comfort at home. Maybe that will help.

Best of luck.

Before you married him there must have been things you liked about him. Why don't you try using those positives to try to motivate him? He may be burnt-out but nonetheless he is not displaying a sense of responsibility or shame that he relies on his wife for feeding permanently and does little or nothing about it.

The problem is not entrepreneurship which is really tough but his not even making an effort. You should try to help him see that he is better-off being active and successful for himself first and then by extension you is wife and future children.

Sometimes some men improve if they are helped with a job. It's your marriage, try to figure it out for you. My final note is don't criticize him to put-him-down, constructively engage to lift-him-up.

Just don't get pregnant till he sorts himself out, reduce the comfort you offer.

Babe,you should have turned on your Antennae while courting him. Clearly,you have been deceived....how can a man earning a good pay not be able to sponsor his wedding to a great extent? Well,you will be fine. I belief things will take shape now that you are in the picture....remember not to get pregnant until things improve.

If you don't do something about it now ,trust me you'll end up feeding that man for the rest of your life .