Grace87:
Here’s My story.

I have met this handsome Igbo guy in Varsity (University of Johannesburg), he is doing his PhD in Computer Science and in doing my Masters in Biochemistry. He is 35, I’m 27… We’ve been friends for a while, then decided to take our friendship to the next level, 3 months later into our relationship I found out that during festive holidays (Christmas) he went home and got married. I found out, as I have friends living and married in Lagos, Nigeria and when I was excited to let them know I’ve found a good Nigerian man (sent them our pictures) they were shocked, to recognize him…that’s when they told me he just got married and that they go to the same church (Christ Embassy) with the wife.

When I confronted him about it, he told me not to worry about it because he doesn’t love the wife and that he only married her because he’s turning 40 soon, and his parents are pressuring him. He also said that he only sees her once or twice a year. And that she doesn’t like to come to SA and doesn’t even want to migrate here. I’m so confused, because I don’t know what to make of it, he treats me like a queen and gives me so much love…we do so many things together, go to church together (Christ Embassy) we study together and go on holidays and so forth.

Now what puzzles me, is that in most cases we hear that they date South African woman, marry them to get citizenship but he has his own papers (Study Visa) which now the regulations have changed in terms of applying for permanent residence, he stands 80% chance to get a permanent visa by himself. And also, his wife can also get a spousal accompany visa as well, which would make life much easier for him (What could be the reason to marry someone, an leave them to go live in another country) I don’t think he is using me for sexual pleasures, as our relationship is platonic and he has never asked to have sex with me.

PS: He says he loves me and I love him too!

What do I do now? What could he be looking to get out of this relationship?

SirMichael1:


Did things together like having sex right. Men don't want people they can easily have sex with as marriage partner.

No man wants to travel and his wife would go out and have extramarital affairs

In other words, you're cheap and also his side chick

Grace87:
In all of this story, you chose not to understand or hear what I said? what is a platonic relationship?

...yet you quote me?? You've not had sex with him, you love home, he loves you... Oh blah blah.

If you haven't had sex with him and he's married, why can't you just go? Leave him the hell alone and go. Go find your man as he ain't yours. He's taken.

Quidditch:
In the long run i[b]t's money[/b], no Igbo man will get rich in a foreign country and still spend all his fortune in that country. His wife isn't moving to S.A? Then surely he is going back to his motherland someday soon.

SirMichael1:


...yet you quote me?? You've not had sex with him, you love home, he loves you... Oh blah blah.

If you haven't had sex with him and he's married, why can't you just go? Leave him the hell alone and go. Go find your man as he ain't yours. He's taken.

Grace87:
How is it money, because he's got his own money...and I have my own, even if I didn't have my own...I come from a well off family. And to add on it, he never asked me for money, and never allows me to pay for anything...

Honestly, I think I'm just his side chic to keep him busy, until he figures out whether he's coming back to Nigeria or force his wife to relocate. As he says there aren't any job opportunities or a future for him there.

Grace87:
How is it money, because he's got his own money...and I have my own, even if I didn't have my own...I come from a well off family. And to add on it, he never asked me for money, and never allows me to pay for anything...

Honestly, I think I'm just his side chic to keep him busy, until he figures out whether he's coming back to Nigeria or force his wife to relocate. As he says there aren't any job opportunities or a future for him there.

Grace87:
In all of this story, you chose not to understand or hear what I said? what is a platonic relationship?

mexxmoney:
What's there to be confused about Madam? you are a side chic and that's it. You should either move on or settle for being his baby mama at best

chachanga:
Eyah, you poor child you! Getting your feelings all mushed up and hopes played up like dis, sorry. But, see, you're still in great shape.


You should consider the poster,Quidditch, above's line of thought; he's on to something you mightn't have considered earlier, y'know?

From the questions raised by ur guy, possibly, not considering settling his Fortunes in SA, your life plans aren't aligned despite all he's telling you and doing with you.

He may not wanna settle down out in Southie for life or to move on from there, let's say, to Canada/US, as you could later feel inclined to. Issues like that will generate problems late in the future and with an intelligent guy like the one you have, his smart ways of solving those problems may not pay you on the long run because trust me, if things go sour between you two, he's gonna sort himself fine, you're the one who's gonna be left hanging. Don't forget he already has somebody while you're looking to him as your "one&only"!

Take it from me, baby girl, as long as you're sharing him with some other chick somewhere, with you holding the short end of the stick, your life plans ain't aligned, you're gonna have to let him. The mere fact that he could travel home behind your back to "Snag&Shag" another lady should tell you that all you have here are the romantic talks etc.

The other Naija homegrown was prolly handpicked or rubberstamped by the family and, I can assure you, all the auntie&"Mother-Hens-in-law" of the family are busy monitoring her tummyline now for the results of your Bf's marital "research practicals" on his new bride! So, who's on ur side now?!

You're way-too-young for all that kinda drama. Dont let anybody tie you down.

As an Embassarian, I suggest its time you "walk-your-(faith)-talk" to the point where God perfects your desired marital dream of bliss.

Dont play a winning game in a losing way. He's a married man. You've dated him casually all this while. He wasnt then, now he is. Disconnect your emotions and plans for future from him and get searching for the best of God for your life!

Maduawuchukwu:
Hmm. He is not having you for sex or money. So what is his motive? Anyway you should know that you are most likely a temporary feature. The permanent feature is his wife in Naija(That is a normal practice that some Naij a guys do)
His treating you fine but not having sex with you means that he is not attracted to you both is merely trying to build trust and use you when he needs something frm u eg Money,Citizenship.

Grace87:
Will wait and see what his motives are...Its a good thing, im getting all of this advices...it will help me be strong on my ground, not to be fooled by him. Im able to control my feelings/emotions...So im sorted. But should he ask me nicely to help him get citizenship (by marrying him) I might consider...because he is a good guy and from what I've heard about his wife, She's pretty God fearing, a darling they say. For her sake I can do it...

The Bible says: Ask and it shall be given to you.

JanuaryTempest:


What do you mean by you'd do it for her sake?

Grace87:
For citizenship purposes...Excuse me, I made a mistake I wanted to say for his sake. and incase he wants to bring the wife to come reside in SA.

This is simple, we get married,(We don't have to be in a relationship) just for the papers... he applies for citizenship after 5years...then he will be able to bring the wife on a spousal visa.

JanuaryTempest:


But why?

OK, let me be direct with you because I think you're either desperate, gullible or brainwashed. I'm a South African woman just like you & TBH, I think people like you should have their ID books revoked. You're a threat to the security of the country. How could you wanna assist someone into breaking the laws of your country? I was reading another post of yours where you called SA men lazy. It sounded just like a sellout statement from someone looking for...what's the word? Acceptance? I can't think of a better word right now. But anyway, reading that kinda made me feel sorry for you because I imagined the conversations you must be having with this guy, putting down your own people for a man. If you could do it here, I'm sure you also do it with him. That to me is a weakness of the highest order. Sort of like you lost your identity & morphed into his in order to gain acceptance in his eyes. No man respects a woman with no identity, pride or dignity. Identity is not only about who you are but also where you come from. I'd fight & defend SA until I'm black & blue. No amount of tender feelings for another will ever make me betray her the way some of you do all in the name of "helping out". Help out for what? How are they your responsibility? Girl, you need to wake up & salvage whatever you've lost trying to fit in or be loved. Because it seems like you've lost yourself in the process of loving him & he is going to take advantage of that if you let him. I repeat, both of them are not your responsibility! SA have enough issues dealing with fake marriages as it is, don't add to that out of your selfish desires. Because I do not believe for one second that you'd be marrying him to help out as you claim, you'd be doing it out of your own self interested, foolish ways, thinking it'll gain you love or whatever it is that you're after with this man.

Grace87:
I nearly fell asleep with ths long story of yours.... Bye!

Grace87:
Will wait and see what his motives are...Its a good thing, im getting all of this advices...it will help me be strong on my ground, not to be fooled by him. Im able to control my feelings/emotions...So im sorted. But should he ask me nicely to help him get citizenship (by marrying him) I might consider...because he is a good guy and from what I've heard about his wife, She's pretty God fearing, a darling they say. For her sake I can do it...

The Bible says: Ask and it shall be given to you.

nonut:
He's married in Nigeria and you still believe you have a chance? Aunty grace, you need prayers.

Maduawuchukwu:


Hmm. You are a unique case. Goodluck.

Grace87:


lol you ppl dnt knw wat u want... wen we chase you away, you saying xenophobia...wen we try to help n accept u as our fellow africans, you still complain. wat do yall want exactly?