dangotesmummy:
then what happens when the instrument used in forcing respect is achieved

What I mean for example is that African parents will say if you don't do this I won't pay your school fees or if you don't do that I won't give you pocket money. supposing the instrument (school fees) doesn't work again as in the child graduating and now earning salary, will the fear tactic still work? Or what will be used in coercing a child to do their bidding again?

Exactly! That is the biggest flaw with that pattern of discipline. Children go haywire when the parents hve nothing to hold them ransome again

Emotional abuse made me a very depressed and sad child/teenager

dangotesmummy:
do you know of any therapist not pastor o because when my mom took me to pastors as a kid saying I need deliverance I hated pastors more.I don't even go to church self because pastors aggravate matters more

Same here.
I still find it so hard to go to church cos of what pastors contributed in my abuse.
imagine me with fake deliverance.
Though I have forgotten most of d abuse though. once in a while, I flash bk. but they don't really have any negative effect on me anymore. Just that I don't allow people talk to me anyhow again, no matter d personality.

Hmmm I

tunde82seidat:
Hmmm I find this post very educative.I m also a victim n it crushed my self esteem which m trying to build up again.My Dad was not always arnd but I had it wt my mum who constantly bullied n compared me to our neibours daughter then ( that she was smarter,more intelligent n so on)funny enough ,I found mysef in same lesson class wt d girl n was surprised I was even better off .what about d beatings,open embarrassment on the school field n so many others I can't bring myself to mention. i remembered telling my friends in high school DAT I was not sure my Mom birth me!I even told her I was going to run away ,she once said she does not believe in me! So I made sure to pick a higher institution v far away from home n was always in school during holidays.it was terrible.I remembered d first time I heard my boyfriend's conversation with his mum then where she said she loved him ,I was shocked never knew such could come from a mother to a child.Anyway I told her all of ds after I graduated n started working .she said wanted us to be better n will not talk again o lol!Right now I just want myvself esteem back ,I don't mind paying for this

she had good intentions with wrong methods. Unfortunately African parents will never ever accept that they are wrong

tunde82seidat:
Hmmm I find this post very educative.I m also a victim n it crushed my self esteem which m trying to build up again.My Dad was not always arnd but I had it wt my mum who constantly bullied n compared me to our neibours daughter then ( that she was smarter,more intelligent n so on)funny enough ,I found mysef in same lesson class wt d girl n was surprised I was even better off .what about d beatings,open embarrassment on the school field n so many others I can't bring myself to mention. i remembered telling my friends in high school DAT I was not sure my Mom birth me!I even told her I was going to run away ,she once said she does not believe in me! So I made sure to pick a higher institution v far away from home n was always in school during holidays.it was terrible.I remembered d first time I heard my boyfriend's conversation with his mum then where she said she loved him ,I was shocked never knew such could come from a mother to a child.Anyway I told her all of ds after I graduated n started working .she said wanted us to be better n will not talk again o lol!Right now I just want myvself esteem back ,I don't mind paying for this

Very sad story. Comparing your children with other children is the chief ingredient needed to crush the self esteem of children who are easily impressionable. Parents are fond of this and it is not like they'd be glad if children compared them with other parents. I trust you will find people who will cherish and celebrate your talents/gifts. like i mentioned earlier, find something you are good at and become excellent at it. Understand that you cannot be more or less than what u are meant to be and no one should bend your will to suit their expectation of you. work hard at achieving your goals and try to be independent.

dangotesmummy:
she had good intentions with wrong methods. Unfortunately African parents will never ever accept that they are wrong

Exactly. They never do! They will say they are correcting you for your good and brag about their years of experience quoting 'what a parent can see sitting, a child cannot see even if on a tree'. This dictum is true though, but it is only applicabe to like 10% of Naija dads and moms

DanXplore:


Very sad story. Comparing your children with other children is the chief ingredient needed to crush the self esteem of children who are easily impressionable. Parents are fond of this and it is not like they'd be glad if children compared them with other parents. I trust you will find people who will cherish and celebrate your talents/gifts. like i mentioned earlier, find something you are good at and become excellent at it. Understand that you cannot be more or less than what u are meant to be and no one should bend your will to suit their expectation of you. work hard at achieving your goals and try to be independent.

. Yea! N that's what v done for myself over the years ,infact she says it now that she's proud of me.Its not like m where i want to be o but m not doing badly n still looking for opportunities to grow n develop myself.However I know I still v self esteem issues n will need it in my journey of life.Thanks for the advice ,Gracias

dangotesmummy:
she had good intentions with wrong methods. Unfortunately African parents will never ever accept that they are wrong

That was exactly what I told a friend that had issues wt his parents recently. I advised him to just manage them d way dey are n not let those words get to him as they will never accept their wrongs .Never! My mum never said that 'sorry'word.Afi suuru .

DanXplore:


Exactly. They never do! They will say they are correcting you for your good and brag about their years of experience quoting 'what a parent can see sitting, a child cannot see even if on a tree'. This dictum is true though, but it is only applicabe to like 10% of Naija dads and moms

Lol!

DanXplore:


Exactly. They never do! They will say they are correcting you for your good and brag about their years of experience quoting 'what a parent can see sitting, a child cannot see even if on a tree'. This dictum is true though, but it is only applicabe to like 10% of Naija dads and moms

I think it's an ego thing

tunde82seidat:

That was exactly what I told a friend that had issues wt his parents recently. I advised him to just manage them d way dey are n not let those words get to him as they will never accept their wrongs .Never! My mum never said that 'sorry'word.Afi suuru .

making them see reasons with you is a sheer waste of time because even if you argue with them from now till Jesus comes,they will never reason with you.so just endure whilst with them and encourage yourself with you won't be with them forever,when you leave you can find healing

dangotesmummy:
its rare for older generation of parents not to emotionally abuse their children

But I want to ask you a question. How do you correct your children when they err without emotionally abusing them because I want to learn too

My parents never used cain on us and I and my siblings were never verbally abused. Then how do we serve our punishments whenever we err?

1. First and foremost, we were brought up in the way of the Lord. You can't miss Church Service and activities and you must be there before Sunday School starts.

2. My father especially inculcated on us reading culture so much that you will hardly have time to go shop for some troubles outside.

3. They used carrot and stick approach in bringing us up. But the stick part wasn't cain. No, never for once did my parents flogged us and never did they use abusive words. If they had, I would have naturally grown up to be a torn in their flesh, Olorun.

We were given rewards when we excel academically or do something extra good, but when we go wrong, my father might give us a kind of mathematics to solve, or the numerical table to recite. Heavens help you if you fail those tests! The next punishment will be to kneel down and raise up your hands for God knows how many hours. And if there's a birthday party or any other function to attend, you will be the only child in the neighbourhood that will not attend, even if such parties are taking place in our compoud. Or he might as well ask you to wash his car for a whole week, morning before he leaves for work and at night when he comes back. And that was for my father.

4. My mother's punishment was very simple. She will only tell you that she will report you to your father when he comes back. The soft and simple way she will issue the threat will make you get down on your knees immediately to ask for forgiveness. In fact, you will go extra miles in pleasing her so you can earn her total forgiveness before my father comes back.

It worked for us. You might try something similar as well.

extremelygolden:



My parents never used cain on us and I and my siblings were never verbally abused. Then how do we serve our punishments whenever we err?

1. First and foremost, we were brought up in the way of the Lord. You can't miss Church Service and activities and you must be there before Sunday School starts.

2. My father especially inculcated on us reading culture so much that you will hardly have time to go shop for some troubles outside.

3. They used carrot and stick approach in bringing us up. But the stick part wasn't cain. No, never for once did my parents flogged us and never did they use abusive words. If they had, I would have naturally grown up to be a torn in their flesh, Olorun.

We were given rewards when we excel academically or do something extra good, but when we go wrong, my father might give us a kind of mathematics to solve, or the numerical table to recite. Heavens help you if you fail those tests! The next punishment will be to kneel down and raise up your hands for God knows how many hours. And if there's a birthday party or any other function to attend, you will be the only child in the neighbourhood that will not attend, even if such parties are taking place in our compoud. Or he might as well ask you to wash his car for a whole week, morning before he leaves for work and at night when he comes back. And that was for my father.

4. My mother's punishment was very simple. She will only tell you that she will report you to your father when he comes back. The soft and simple way she will issue the threat will make you get down on your knees immediately to ask for forgiveness. In fact, you will go extra miles in pleasing her so you can earn her total forgiveness before my father comes back.

It worked for us. You might try something similar as well.

thanks. But your mom's threat of I will tell your father ,didnt it give you the imptession as a kid that your mother wasn't capable of punishing you.only daddy?

extremelygolden:



My parents never used cain on us and I and my siblings were never verbally abused. Then how do we serve our punishments whenever we err?

1. First and foremost, we were brought up in the way of the Lord. You can't miss Church Service and activities and you must be there before Sunday School starts.

2. My father especially inculcated on us reading culture so much that you will hardly have time to go shop for some troubles outside.

3. They used carrot and stick approach in bringing us up. But the stick part wasn't cain. No, never for once did my parents flogged us and never did they use abusive words. If they had, I would have naturally grown up to be a torn in their flesh, Olorun.

We were given rewards when we excel academically or do something extra good, but when we go wrong, my father might give us a kind of mathematics to solve, or the numerical table to recite. Heavens help you if you fail those tests! The next punishment will be to kneel down and raise up your hands for God knows how many hours. And if there's a birthday party or any other function to attend, you will be the only child in the neighbourhood that will not attend, even if such parties are taking place in our compoud. Or he might as well ask you to wash his car for a whole week, morning before he leaves for work and at night when he comes back. And that was for my father.

4. My mother's punishment was very simple. She will only tell you that she will report you to your father when he comes back. The soft and simple way she will issue the threat will make you get down on your knees immediately to ask for forgiveness. In fact, you will go extra miles in pleasing her so you can earn her total forgiveness before my father comes back.

It worked for us. You might try something similar as well.

I think i might adopt your parent's approach. I will save this in my long term memory. One thing that caught my attention is the washing car issue as punishment. In my family, washing car was never a punishment. It was a mandatory duty i must do whether it is raining or not. I grew up in jos and in the cold of the morning, while other parents were protecting their children from the cold, my dad is probably thinking of the punishment to give me if i dont wash his car as early as 5;30am to 6

I have been embarrassed severally in public. From flogging/shouting at me in public and infront of my secret crush to going to school without provisions as punishment.

while i have let go all these, i only dine with dad with a long spoon...if u catch my drift.

DanXplore:


I think i might adopt your parent's approach. I will save this in my long term memory. One thing that caught my attention is the washing car issue as punishment. In my family, washing car was never a punishment. It was a mandatory duty i must do whether it is raining or not. I grew up in jos and in the cold of the morning, while other parents were protecting their children from the cold, my dad is probably thinking of the punishment to give me if i dont wash his car as early as 5;30am to 6

I have been embarrassed severally in public. From flogging/shouting at me in public and infront of my secret crush to going to school without provisions as punishment.

while i have let go all these, i only dine with dad with a long spoon...if u catch my drift.

Sorry bros. I believe that at the long run you came out a better person, right? And I believe that was how best he knew how to bring you up and please don't hold it against him.

We learn from experiences, whether good or bad.

dangotesmummy:
thanks. But your mom's threat of I will tell your father ,didnt it give you the imptession as a kid that your mother wasn't capable of punishing you.only daddy?

Well, my mother has her own way of punishing us. Even though we had househelp, some domestic chores were still divided amongst my siblings and I. If you offend mum, you handle the entire chores for the day. And don't even think anybody would be allowed to assist you when she's available.

Why I focused more on dad's punishment is because, washing car early in the morning and at night wasn't a child's play. Kneeling for hours with hands raised, etc wasn't easy at all. But for mum's domestic chores, as soon as she steps out, all of us including the househelp will assist the person undergoing the punishment.

extremelygolden:



Sorry bros. I believe that at the long run you came out a better person, right? And I believe that was how best he knew how to bring you up and please don't hold it against him.

We learn from experiences, whether good or bad.

absolutely

extremelygolden:



Sorry bros. I believe that at the long run you came out a better person, right? And I believe that was how best he knew how to bring you up and please don't hold it against him.

We learn from experiences, whether good or bad.

Yes, absolutely

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