It was so cliché that she found himself almost sighing in exasperation even as it happened. Their eyes met across the room and she was overcome with the sensation that she had been cast into a vortex of history and future all merging together; starting the instant he smiled at her. She felt gauche all of a sudden and she was almost amazed at the struggle she went through to squelch the insane urge she had to run into the lady’s as he made a beeline in her direction.
Then he was in front of her, his elegant fingers wrapped around the glass of wine like the tendrils of ugu leaves draping over the sticks. She swallowed, hard and hoped he hadn’t heard or at least seen her exposed neck in her off shouldered dress bob up and down with the movement.
He smiled with his lips curving upwards, nubile mouth that had her thinking things she never knew she was capable of thinking,
And those eyes! She had a hard time focusing on anything else after she stared into them. They were like a cesspool of secrets that beckoned her to take a look into them forever.
‘Hello’, he said and she nearly lost it. His voice was like warm honey drizzling over her skin. She wanted to do him right there and she knew that he knew. The way he was looking down at her confirmed that.
“You look adorable”, he vibed. She saw him leaning forward and as if her body was being pulled by invisible strings, she found herself leaning towards him as well, barely breathing as she watched his mouth lower down. She all but wept he turned his face aside and sniffed her neck perceptibly.
“You smell divine too’ he whispered.
She shuddered as she felt his breath whoosh past her skin.
‘Who designed your dress?
She struggled to remember. Her head felt like someone had removed her brain and stuffed her skull with cotton wool.
‘Rizar’, she croaked. He was the newest sensation in the design world and she loved the way he made women’s dresses as if he knew exactly what they wanted to show and leave hidden. The young designer was being hailed as the Versace of the 21st century.
Suddenly he turned and beckoned a man who had been standing at the other end of the room. He must have been standing with him when he saw her walk into the room. The man practically sashayed towards them, his suit as tight as it could possibly be. He looked like a scarecrow dressed up by the wrong fairy godmother.
‘Girlfriend, where did you get that dress? He all but gushed snapping his fingers.Pa! Pa! Pa! Right in her face.
She recoiled seconds before the snapping fingers would have poked her eyes out and looked up befuddled at the man by her side. He was watching his partner with what was almost paternal affection except the look in his eyes was anything but paternal.
‘Don’t bother the lady TK. I just called you over to let you know I was right. It was Rizar who designed the dress. ‘Give’, he commanded, his palm stretched out toward T.k. T.k smiled coyly and dug into his pocket bringing out a crumbled five hundred dollar bill.
‘You see, he said, turning to her and acting as if he didn’t see the confusion in her eyes, ‘as soon as you walked in I told T.k here, there’s one of Rizar’s creations. He didn’t believe me of course and made a bet that it wasn’t. I’m Dan by the way
She could only stare at them as they smiled conspirationally at each other.

please criticizee this piece hard if it needs it, no mercy! lol

Okay people!! The story is far from perfect, I should know,I'm my own worst critic!, Please give me some pointers? corrections? Comments? stinkers? I sure would like to read some opinion of some sort on this piece,

Hey, I apologize for my fellow Lit board members, we just find it easier to read than to post replies. I like your story, a lot. . . I mean, it was gon' be a pretty normal boy meets girl story till the last part where it got twisted, got me laughing out loud. There are some problems with it however, like sum grammatical errors; himself instead of herself, conspirationally instead of conspiratorially,stuff lyk that. There's a problem with your punctuation also, I dunno how 2 explain that, maybe U should try spacing the story a bit more, it would make it a better read. All in all, it's a good story ,iLike.

@raven, Thank you soooo much! I was giddy with excitement when i noticed someone had commented.I've made a note of your corrections.I'l work on them rigth away! thanks!

[size=14pt]Your story is really good. Pls, don't  be bothered if you've not gotten many replies. You can see that so far, 78 people have read your piece. It's counted in "views".

The story is nice. So, the guy wasn't even that interested in her but he sure knows how to make a lady melt. I don't have anything to criticize about but I must say that I like the story line.[/size]

@ravenzord- your criticism is so ridiculous, i have to cry. Where in tarnation did you learn the word 'conspirationally?'. I've heard of kinky, but you give a new definition to the word 'pathetic'. Whoever told you you have a career as a critique should be smacked. He or she lied to you. Go feed a pig or something. But criticism? Forget it.

You seem to me to be shooting yourself in the foot with a bazooka, Gossipgirl

Nice story, I liked Dan.
Dont doubt ur story coz folks aint critizing,i fink dats coz they gat nothing 2 criticize.
I saw where u wrote ugu, i believe dat's not an english word so u should add quotation marks.
Something like; tendrils of "ugu" leaves. I'd rate ur short story 8. Nice piece,write more.

@eec31, Aw thank you so much! An eight is a good number! incoporate your suggestion right away.You're a darl!
@gossipgirl, easy girl! we all don't know everything! LOL

Another nice short. Ravenzord has pointed out most of my observations.

BTW, who is gossipgirl and what's her problem?

ravenzord:

Hey, I apologize for my fellow Lit board members, we just find it easier to read than to post replies. I like your story, a lot. . . I mean, it was gon' be a pretty normal boy meets girl story till the last part where it got twisted, got me laughing out loud. There are some problems with it however, like sum grammatical errors; himself instead of herself, conspirationally instead of conspiratorially,stuff lyk that. There's a problem with your punctuation also, I dunno how 2 explain that, maybe U should try spacing the story a bit more, it would make it a better read. All in all, it's a good story ,iLike.

This is correct. If I were poster, I would pay a lot of attention to PUNCTUATION. For example,

Then he was in front of her, his elegant fingers wrapped around the glass of wine like the tendrils of ugu leaves draping over the sticks. She swallowed, hard and hoped he hadn’t heard or at least seen her exposed neck in her off shouldered dress bob up and down with the movement.

should be:

Then he was in front of her, his elegant fingers wrapped around the glass of wine like the tendrils of ugu leaves draping over the sticks. She swallowed hard and hoped he hadn’t heard or at least seen her exposed neck in her off shouldered dress bob up and down with the movement.

Note the italicisation and the removal of a comma. Personally, I would break off "at least" with a comma, but that is a matter of preference.

The use of symbolisms and figurative expressions is good in literature, but I believe something good can be too much. And I have observed this in much of modern Nigerian writing. His hair is the strands of an eaten mango, his eyes are clear like the sea, his mouth is . . . .  And the read goes, "well, what's his waist like?"

Gossipgurl:

@ravenzord- your criticism is so ridiculous, i have to cry. Where in tarnation did you learn the word 'conspirationally?'. I've heard of kinky, but you give a new definition to the word 'pathetic'. Whoever told you you have a career as a critique should be smacked. He or she lied to you. Go feed a pig or something. But criticism? Forget it.

This is very funny. I think gossip girl will make a good writer. Her use of words is creative.

@ gossipgirl: Hey, are you naturally so aggressive or do you just have a thing for me? That wasn't even a critique, I just pointed out some things I noticed in her story, as any reader could have, and I didn't write 'conspirationally', she did. Thanks for the vocation tips BTW, been jobless for quite a while now.

Good story, but your mistaken use of himself in place of herself got me confused right from the beginning. Again, do try to make peace with the punctuation marks, especially the comma. Finally, don't write to finish fast!