Men are apparently triggered because they feel women make it all too difficult to have a conversation with them, especially when they just start talking.

Guys, let’s be honest with ourselves. If a woman hits you up with half the lines we use to try to get them to engage with us, would you respond? On second thought, scratch that, because all a woman needs to do is look in our goddamn direction and our brains tell us she’s saying, “oh baby, why are you still sitting over there instead of talking to me?” Given there are times that’s true, but they’re as common in Nigeria as an honest politician (plus there’s the slight issue of guys not being able to hear what a woman’s screaming with her eyes and we’d say something as brilliant as “but why didn’t you say anything?”).

On some days, I actually sympathize with women. When I remember that y’all involuntarily commit murder monthly, have to deal with being sat down for years just to get your hair done (thank God for wigs now!) and face huge challenge of finding the right foundation that’s the right balance of matching your skin and still managing to look natural but beautiful enough, I thank the Y chromosomes in my dad for not doing a Buhari that faithful valentine’s day when he was with mother.

Anyways, I may not know a lot about talking to women but I’m going to share a few things I believe every guy ought to know because, they’re textbook ‘Chat Up A Woman 101’.

Lesson 1: Not every woman is going go vibe with you—immediately

This is not to crush (y)our fragile ego(s), but it’s the simple truth. Do away with your she’s-kukuma-stupid-and-not-even-that-beautiful mentality and accept that maybe, just maybe, she’s not just feeling your vibe. Sometimes, it’s not even because you did or said anything wrong, she could just not be having the best of days. Imagine someone sliding into your DMs just when you hear Wenger has signed a new contract, Sanchez’s medical with Bayern is booked (and she has a picture of Cesc lifting the EPL Trophy as her avatar). Even if you know she’s had a good day and she’s not being responsive, that’s okay. Like we tell ourselves, there are other fishes in the sea.

Lesson 2: C is for confident, not cocky

See how lesson 1 ends with ‘immediately’?. That’s because I know I can get 8 out of 10 women to talk with me and they’d not be able to get enough if you are observant enough, you’d know the right time to take your shot and you’d bag it. If you’re not a dick and you take your L graciously the first time, it’s very possible that a few days/weeks later, she hits you up. Strange things do happen.

But more on the lesson 2: It’s important you don’t come off as cocky (or worse, entitled). She does not have to respond to you. She is not privileged to have you texting her. And she will definitely not regret replying you in monosyllables. Even if you have thirty billion in your account, ATMs don’t always respond to you. Sometimes “your financial institution is not available”.

*whispering*

PS: The real lesson 2 is struck out.

PPS: 8/10 because ‘confident’, not ‘cocky’

Lesson 3: Possible (girl)friend, not candidate for employment

“Tell me about yourself”

Really, guys? Really? We’re in 2017 and you’re still asking this?! Barney Stinson didn’t act straight for this.

Fam, there a lot of other ways to get a woman to open up to you AND frankly, what’s the rush? Maybe it’s just me but once I know your name, I’m good. Any other detail ‘about yourself’ I need to know would come in due time, so cool it fam. I know you’ve been single for a minute, but just take it easy. There’s nothing attractive about a desperate man.

Lesson 4: I am not my tweets

Neither are certificates the true measure of a person’s intelligence/competence, so why do multinationals ask for your resume before scheduling an interview? You can’t be calling women bitches, dragging people, being involved in one tweet fight or the other, living recklessly and come and be saying “I’m not my tweets, I’m greatly misunderstood”. GTFO with your misunderstood self.

Lesson 5: Little drops make a puddle before an ocean

Translation: go slow, take it easy. You put the tip in before you put the whole thing in innit? Can’t be telling her, on day one, where you want to get married, how many children you want to have, and how you believe a woman ought to behave in a relationship. And my personal favorite: “so how far have you gone with a guy?” Boy, you lost your claim to being a man the moment you thought it was appropriate to ask that.

Listen, you need to make her comfortable talking with you, so go for light subjects and then build from there. Talk about the day’s subject on twitter, skim through her tweets and throw in a few experiences in relation to something she tweeted (be smart in your selection), be funny (don’t be a clown), casual, don’t get to engrossed with yourself and give her room to speak. Don’t be upset if she doesn’t reply immediately (she may be busy). Reply on time. Few things are more annoying than an aired message, but if she airs yours, take it in stride. (Yup, you read that right. Or do you think you’re the only one texting her?) Find something you have in common and work your way from there. Nothing in common? Wonderful. Inquire about her habits and find why they intrigue her.

The point is, getting her to hold a conversation with you isn’t a problem, you just have to know how to lead her there and it’s your job as a man to lead her there. Once she’s there, na you go dey run sef. But what do I know? I don’t know how to talk to women.

Guys, how do you do it? How do your DMs stay popping? Ladies, what do we have to do to keep the conversation alive and lit?