Good morning Nairalanders, Seun, Lalasticlala and Mynd44

My name is Yemi from Lagos and presently in a relationship dilemma.
I'm in love with a lady Chi, an igbo lady, beautiful n brilliant, lovely and caring and she is also in love with me but there are lot of issues facing this relationship.
Permit me to list them.

1. She is 5years older than I. Though people used to say age is just a number and love knows no age but can this be applicable when one wants a stress free and successful relationship. Will she respect me, wedding or no wedding, there will be a day that we will quarel and won't she use the age gap against me？there are instances women will have to shield their sword in order to let peace rain like kneeling down, begging, crying e.t.c but can a lady that is older than a guy do all these?

2. She is a divorcee. Though i don't blame her for this, as leaving a marriage is a thing of self decision. It is clear she sufferred a lot in her previous marriage based on what she told me but i kept asking myself this questions
what if she reconcile with her ex man? having it in mind that she has given birth to 3 cute children for him
what if i irritate her or my job has little problem and i'm unable to sustain her financial needs, won't she bows out?
what if those kids decide that their mum should go back to their dad, what then will be my fate。
3. Religious difference. There is this popular saying that two heart live as one and this i can say is the backup of most successful relationship.
I am a traditionalist even though i do go to church while she is a christian. Though we have discussed this issue and agreed mutually that we should carry on but there is this fear in me that once i ask her to perform some traditional rites, she might bout and this could be dangerous to my marital pursuit.
4. She has another manfriend. One fact about this relationship is that we have been very open to eachother. I told her about my past and she also narrated hers to me. But on a night that we were having sober reflections, she opened up to me that she has a manfriend simply named Alhaji and that he is the one taking care of her finances before i came into her life and that the man is married but she couldn't leave him or quit their secret relationship until she gets a job. I told her to choose between me and Alhaji but she keeps begging me to let us make it a secret, that when she gets a job, he will let him go.
I told her that i can't play the role of a second fiddle but she kept begging me, telling and swearing that she loves me and couldnt trade me for anybody.

This is a trying time for me. I have ended all myrelationships with other girls, I love Oge so much but these conditions are giving me sleepless night.

please should i continue with the relationship or break up?
nairalanders, lalasticlala mynd44 please help.

FTC
let us ask mr lalasticlala sarki ipobexposed or tosyn2much
i hv ntn to say.
complicated indeed

Oh boy dis matter water don pass garri oh.. I don dey speechless sef

1. Age ... Discuss your insecurities with her and at least get some reassurance from her that she will respect you despite being your senior

2. At least she is single by law..

3. This is the major area that may bring about great problems in the future if not managed with wisdom... Since you know she is a Christian, please respect her decision if she chooses not to participate/get involved in any ritual of yours... If you know you can't handle this , please cut of the relationship now because I have seen a friend gone through separation with his wife just because both parties insist that the other should leave their church not to talk of your case that is even about you being a disciple of African Tradition...

4. Well, I don't want to hold brief for her but in reality it's not as easy as you think except you have promised to be taking care of her needs and you have also stepped up your plans to get married to her, otherwise you either wait till she gets a job or you quit the relationship if you can't take the heat...

wen der are many issues like ds,its best u walk away

In Craig David's voice
'FROM THE TROUBLES IN MY LIFE AM WALKING AWAY AEA'

This one requires some in depth research.

Too many issues. Age to me is not d problem. D problem is the manfriend.

If you care about my opinion:

First, age isn't the issue here, like you have mentioned it is just numbers, maturity is the in thing for any relationship. No matter how high or low a woman can be to a man she is capable of doing anything to the man.

Furthermore, talking about the religion, i think she will not even have wanted the relationship with you knowing full well about your mix religion and what you should have let her know is that if there is anything she needs to do as the traditional religion is concerned she will do it joyfully if your religion is so important to you.

Concerning the sugar daddy part, you need to stand your ground, good that she told you about him, but if you can ignore other girls for her then she deserves to manage with you till things get better, if she claims to love you that much she must be ready to drop Alhaji completely. Don't allow her to overpower your decision, you are the man here regardless of the age and it is not even proper.

If she refuse to drop Alhaji it is very clear she lied about what caused her divorce with her husband which calls for serious caution on your side. If she insist the money is also important as the good sex she get from you then you need to run for your life as she cannot deny Alhaji isn't sleeping with her even if he is not too good because the fact is that she want to have it all which is impossible for many.

Left to me i will advise that you just drop her from your list, she has 3 kids already which is enough for this economy. Her age and experience is something that beat you hands-down, the truth is that she is only selfish as she will do all so as not to be pregnant for you so that Alhaji will not stop his financial generosity towards her.

Marrying a divorcee isn't the issue, but the situation surrounding her is the problem. In case you sit her down and talk senses into her and she still refuse to drop Alhaji and also don't want to leave you too at the same time you need to call your senses back to reality and do the needful, there are many good, great, ambitious and ladies with successful children inside them you can give your all to as she is almost done.

Hiaaaan!

Smh

You broke your problem in four parts so I will do mine in four parts

1) The age gap is no big deal if you are both cool with it, except you have noticed tendencies in her to over ride your opinion in the past. For example, if she chooses the cloth you wear, always choose the topic of discussion all that
Then you may have a problem and you need to discuss with her

2) The issue of her divorcee is not your problem. However you need to solve the issue of those cute kids o. How she will take care of them. You also need to find out the current status of relationship with her husband. You may also need find out if she want more kids with the one she already has. Even if you are married to a single lady, the fear of her leaving is still there


3)Again there is nothing to fear here, as long as you claim she is aware of your religion. . Just inform her early enough so that you can talk things through, and know that you have to make some sacrifice yourself about some aspects of your religion. Marriage is a union that requires sacrifice

4) Bro here is where you have to stand your ground. From that last part, it shows the lady is among the women who sees relationship with men as some sorts of means for financial stability. She is who you love, so you have to provide the money for her, or encourage her to start a business
if you can't provide the money or encourage her to start a business let her go. If you make the mistake and let it slide like that it may lead to the end of your relationship cause she won't stop


Finally, I honestly think you need to stop entertaining fear and confront her with all that is seriously bothering you.


Always remember there is nothing to fear but fear itself, which means the you are afraid because of the fear of what might happen

Stay blessed

*sigh*...

I am so tired of all these whiny sodding stories...

Gawwd...


All these your seemingly troubling issues will easily resolved one way or another if you just spend quality time with this woman and communicate.

Get to know this woman....

-do your due diligence.
-spend time and do stuff together
-TALK as in communicate and listen
-Observe her actions and behaviors thru TIME and season.
-pray, medidate and then wait..... for peace (or absence of it).

If you do the aforementioned, you will have answers you seek.

Chosing a life partner is the second most imprtant decision you will ever make so it should not be that easy to make, it should not be too hard either. Do the work tho, and then take a risk and make a choice.

Ok

This relationship can only be sustained by the use of charms or the use of common sense.

Only you can help yourself...

You are very lucky to be a traditionalist.
Get the best love charms to pin her because sooner or later a right thinking 'Chi' will realize she shouldn't be with a 'Yemi', who is not only younger than her, but also not as rich or good in bed as her other man-friend or her husband who she dumped.


Common sense would also work for you;
She has the luggage of 3kids,
Her ex is still alive,
She shags other men and you know it,
She's older than you,
Her need for a man now is obviously for financial support.
She will soon become financially independent when she gets a job.

No matter how weak your brain energy is, common sense should tell you this relationship is a blind horse which will lead you no where.

But I can tell you are so dumb that you aren't even consistent with her name. From being 'Chi' she becomes 'Oge'.

Oga, this matter don dey to much, take a walk man....

The baggage here is too much. Na only you waka come?.

1. She's 5yrs older, not one. Well, if you've accepted her then there no problem here.

2. She's a divorcee...

3. She has 3kids from her previous marriage...mind you, she has walked out of her previous marriage but her ex husband would always be in her life 'cause he's the biological father of her kids. Ask yourself if you could handle seeing him around or having her communicate with him 'cause times would come when she will.

4. The both of you are of different religion. People usually say religion doesn't matter but it does. On what religious grounds would you two raise your kids if you happen to have one?. There will be conflicting beliefs which isn't good for kids.

Oga you sabi fall in love o. Am not trying to make fun here o, just went through all you pointed out, had images in my head and all I gat to say is you sabi fall in love.

I understand your insecurities. This is Nigeria, where anybody who is older than you feels Like they are entitled already to every form of respect. If she is that type ehn, just have it in mind that she now has four children and you are the eldest sha.

About those kids, can you really step in as a dad to them, I know they still have their dad sha, but you will still have some roles to play as their mommy's husband. Its not easy, you should think about this carefully. I know love makes us blind to some truths sometimes, have you thought about yourself? Would you love to have kids your self? And this will bring the children in the house to a total of...? Hope you can fend for 'us' all when the time comes sha?

On your religious difference, how do you wish to come to a compromise? Consider this carefully. If she is praying and reading her bible with some of the kids shey you will be at the backyard with the other kids tying red and white cloth and lighting candles? Think well about this one too o.

Finally on finances can you step in and play the big man for her?

You sha just want to carry wahala on your back and blame it on love in years to come. She might be a nice woman and all that, I just think you have to stop digging her and find someone who is compatible with you.


Cc; cathodekazim

ogorwyne:
Oga you sabi fall in love o. Am not trying to make fun here o, just went through all you pointed out,

i love her

i helped her wt some issues n that was how we fell in love with eachother.
Am not suppose to say this but when i did some spiritual consultations, i discovered that our stars cross with eachother. This is the reason why i am finding it difficult to let her go. Please understand me. Not that m a fool.

Benita27:
The baggage here is too much. Na only you waka come?.

1. She's 5yrs older, not one. Well, if you've accepted her then there no problem here.

2. She's a divorcee...

3. She has 3kids from her previous marriage...mind you, she has walked out of her previous marriage but her ex husband would always be in her life 'cause he's the biological father of her kids. Ask yourself if you could handle seeing him around or having her communicate with him 'cause times would come when she will.

4. The both of you are of different religion. People usually say religion doesn't matter but it does. On what religious grounds would you two raise your kids if you happen to have one?. There will be conflicting beliefs which isn't good for kids.

it is a real dilemma fr me benita

but she kept on reassuring me n truely speaking, i see love in her eyes.
apart from tht i think we ar meant to b together when i did some spiritual checkings

but m just confuse, she accepted my religion n other terms but the manfriend issue n the ex man ar gvn me concerns.

pls wht shd i do. ifa dnt lie

I swear this your love is encompassing You need to soft pedal. I love that y'all are open to eachother but clearly u not comfy with all of these. Deal with them first so they dont come back to hunt you. Be selfish here. Its your heart we talking about here man dont mess with it

cathodekazim:


i love her

i helped her wt some issues n tht was how we fell in lov wt eachother.
m nt suppose to.say this bt when i did some spiritual consultations, i discovered our stars match wt eachother. that is why i m finding it diff to let her go. pls understand me. nt tht m a fool

This fluency of this post here doesn't match with the OPs. Why the difference?

scaler quantity. just magnitude without direction

cathodekazim:


it is a real dilemma fr me benita

but she kept on reassuring me n truely speaking, i see love in her eyes.
apart from tht i think we ar meant to b together when i did some spiritual checkings

but m just confuse, she accepted my religion n other terms but the manfriend issue n the ex man ar gvn me concerns.

pls wht shd i do. ifa dnt lie

A divorcee that's sleeping with another woman's husband for financial stability would cheat on you with another man if the opportunity presents itself.

cathodekazim:

apart from tht i think we ar meant to b together when i did some spiritual checkings
pls wht shd i do. ifa dnt lie

Many people have felt they where meant to be together but today they are not. We meet people for different reasons at different points in our lives. Love is not just a feeling its sacrifice, its giving, its everything so stop questioning it if u really want this

Ishilove:

This fluency of this post here doesn't match with the OPs. Why the difference?

It has bn modified ishiluv.

was typing under duress

.

Benita27:
A divorcee that's sleeping with another woman's husband for financial stability would cheat on you with another man if the opportunity presents itself.

thank you. I nw gt your point

ogorwyne:
Oga you sabi fall in love o. Am not trying to make fun here o, just went through all you pointed out, had images in my head and all I gat to say is you sabi fall in love.

I understand your insecurities. This is Nigeria, where anybody who is older than you feels Like they are entitled already to every form of respect. If she is that type ehn, just have it in mind that she now has four children and you are the eldest sha.

About those kids, can you really step in as a dad to them, I know they still have their dad sha, but you will still have some roles to play as their mommy's husband. Its not easy, you should think about this carefully. I know love makes us blind to some truths sometimes, have you thought about yourself? Would you love to have kids your self? And this will bring the children in the house to a total of...? Hope you can fend for 'us' all when the time comes sha?

On your religious difference, how do you wish to come to a compromise? Consider this carefully. If she is praying and reading her bible with some of the kids shey you will be at the backyard with the other kids tying red and white cloth and lighting candles? Think well about this one too o.

Finally on finances can you step in and play the big man for her?

You sha just want to carry wahala on your back and blame it on love in years to come. She might be a nice woman and all that, I just think you have to stop digging her and find someone who is compatible with you.


Cc; cathodekazim

thank you.dear

oga u re a traditionalist so it shouldn't be a difficult thing! ask Ifa sharply! he doesn't delay, he can help u kill the alhaji sef!

Are you that undesirable that you feel the best you can do for yourself is an older, divorced mother of 3 who isn't faithful to you? Assuming you were female now, we would have said it's desperation and lack of suitors that made you enter such relationship. But you as a male and with the advantage of choosing out of the numerous single unattached ladies out there, what's your reason for holding on to all that baggage in the name of relationship? Because Ifa said so abi? All the best then

cathodekazim:
Good morning Nairalanders, Seun, Lalasticlala and Mynd44

My name is Yemi from Lagos and presently in a relationship dilemma.
I'm in love with a lady Chi, an igbo lady, beautiful n brilliant, lovely and caring and she is also in love with me but there are lot of issues facing this relationship.
Permit me to list them.

1. She is 5years older than I. Though people used to say age is just a number and love knows no age but can this be applicable when one wants a stress free and successful relationship. Will she respect me, wedding or no wedding, there will be a day that we will quarel and won't she use the age gap against me？there are instances women will have to shield their sword in order to let peace rain like kneeling down, begging, crying e.t.c but can a lady that is older than a guy do all these?

2. She is a divorcee. Though i don't blame her for this, as leaving a marriage is a thing of self decision. It is clear she sufferred a lot in her previous marriage based on what she told me but i kept asking myself this questions
what if she reconcile with her ex man? having it in mind that she has given birth to 3 cute children for him
what if i irritate her or my job has little problem and i'm unable to sustain her financial needs, won't she bows out?
what if those kids decide that their mum should go back to their dad, what then will be my fate。
3. Religious difference. There is this popular saying that two heart live as one and this i can say is the backup of most successful relationship.
I am a traditionalist even though i do go to church while she is a christian. Though we have discussed this issue and agreed mutually that we should carry on but there is this fear in me that once i ask her to perform some traditional rites, she might bout and this could be dangerous to my marital pursuit.
4. She has another manfriend. One fact about this relationship is that we have been very open to eachother. I told her about my past and she also narrated hers to me. But on a night that we were having sober reflections, she opened up to me that she has a manfriend simply named Alhaji and that he is the one taking care of her finances before i came into her life and that the man is married but she couldn't leave him or quit their secret relationship until she gets a job. I told her to choose between me and Alhaji but she keeps begging me to let us make it a secret, that when she gets a job, he will let him go.
I told her that i can't play the role of a second fiddle but she kept begging me, telling and swearing that she loves me and couldnt trade me for anybody.

This is a trying time for me. I have ended all myrelationships with other girls, I love Oge so much but these conditions are giving me sleepless night.

please should i continue with the relationship or break up?
nairalanders, lalasticlala mynd44 please help.

1) Age.....
Dude the truth is age is always come into play in marriage whether u like it or not.. there is nothing u can do to change the facts that she is 5 fricking years older..depending on her true personality (women pretend a lot u know) if she is the bossy type den u are going to be her boy.
In another note, don't u ever wonder that the people with success stories about marrying older women are the ones we hear about??...wat abt the larger ones whose marriages failed maybe because of irreconcilable differences and the fact DAT she woman will always remember DAT she is older..besides its not even one year or 2...dude its 5years!!.....Red flag!!...back out!

2)Divorced with 3 kids!!.....seriously??...dude...haba!! single fresh babes plenty na...y u dey fall my hand like dis na ehn....
ohk...seriously u don't really know the true story abt wat led to the divorce of her previous marriage. u can't simply believe all she tells u (wat if she's lying?) wat if she was the reason behind the divorce. wat if her ex husband was a good man....u have to get ur fact right. wat is she is just pretending to get u meanwhile her true colour is hidden deep inside her. the fact she is even having an external affair for whatever fricking reason should give u an insight of wat I call her "hidden area".... wat kind of lady cheat on her boyfriend whom she claim she loves...she is sleeping with the two of yet she claim she won't trade u for anything...(dog talk) u should be smarter Dan dis na...anyway...marry her at ur own peril...again am not judging her ooo

3)you are a traditionalist??...in this 24th century?? like seriously dude...where are u from??....who worship gods and idols...when God is very accessible.....just go through Jesus and u can have everything...u are doing ritual rites....dude.. u better find ur way to a church so God can fix u up...and stop being a religious confused fella

4) answered together with number 2

dominique:
Are you that undesirable that you feel the best you can do for yourself is an older, divorced mother of 3 who isn't faithful to you? Assuming you were female now, we would have said it's desperation and lack of suitors that made you enter such relationship. But you as a male and with the advantage of choosing out of the numerous single unattached ladies out there, what's your reason for holding on to all that baggage in the name of relationship? Because Ifa said so abi? All the best then

babe....the dude own tired me sef. all the fine fine single babes wet full everywhere...na old woman hungry am...I no even understand the dude sef.....the traditionalists nonsense got me!!