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My Divorce Journal - Family (8) - Nairaland

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Re: My Divorce Journal by Risingphoenix12: 9:54am On Aug 12, 2017
Yea... I like "NUMB" smiley

Especially when he says... "every step that I take is another mistake to you...."

Mutaino7:
'' linkin park'' songs are also good especially NUMB..

1 Like

Re: My Divorce Journal by shaybebaby(f): 11:15am On Aug 12, 2017
Risingphoenix12:
Yea... I like "NUMB" smiley

Especially when he says... "every step that I take is another mistake to you...."

I'm going to chip in mine. Listen to Natasha Bedingfield "Unwritten".

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TtGY4G7II6s

1 Like

Re: My Divorce Journal by Ishilove: 11:25am On Aug 12, 2017
Risingphoenix12:
Lol... almost like clockwork... 4.08am...
This feels so surreal. Like I'm having an out of body experience and watching my own life play like a script. At this moment, I question ideals I once held sacred and sacrosanct. Emotions have gone through a myriad of manifestations - anger to despair to uncertainty etc. For once, now I feel hope.

People say I laugh a lot and I'm not taking this seriously. Even that makes me laugh. I'm just built that way. I laugh when I'm stressed, even when I'm frightened. Others say run to God... well... I have... I am...at what point do you say you've reached Him? Still pondering on that...

Maybe the whole essence is to share in a journal so I (and indeed others) can learn something in future. Something positive I hope. Life really is unpredictable and everybody, irrespective of what they look like, how they live, the frequent smiles/ laughs, has something they are dealing with. There's really nothing called a perfect life. Enjoy what you have. Experience love. Give. Receive. Be happy. Take risks. Never be afraid to start afresh. Enjoy nature. Don't be in a haste. Breathe. It is well.... Even in the well... it is well.

The G.O of my church once told us in a youth program that "a bad marriage can turn a man into a philosopher"

Replace 'bad' with 'unhappy' wink cheesy

1 Like

Re: My Divorce Journal by Risingphoenix12: 11:46am On Aug 12, 2017
LOOOOL! You are not serious... cheesy cheesy cheesy

Ishilove:

The G.O of my church once told us in a youth program that "a bad marriage can turn a man to a philosopher"

Replace 'bad' with 'unhappy' wink cheesy

1 Like 2 Shares

Re: My Divorce Journal by Risingphoenix12: 11:48am On Aug 12, 2017
Loool... thanks! smiley

shaybebaby:

I'm going to chip in mine. Listen to Natasha Bedingfield "Unwritten".
Re: My Divorce Journal by Ishilove: 11:59am On Aug 12, 2017
Risingphoenix12:

LOOOOL! You are not serious... cheesy cheesy cheesy

As in ehn, see as you just dey drop Solomon-ic wisdom left, right and centre cheesy tongue


My brother it is well. This too shall pass away smiley

1 Like

Re: My Divorce Journal by shaibu123: 2:32pm On Aug 12, 2017
Risingphoenix12:
It's 3:52am and I'm up again. Tired. Emotionally drained. Confused. Feeling of helplessness and hopelessness. Lost. Just one question ringing in my head - "How the F did I get here?"

I wish this was a journal filled with positive thoughts and uplifting words (snickers).. Nah.. This is about the story of my life. I find it hard to open up to people so I figured I'd just write to myself and hopefully someday, I'd read this.. and the current heaviness I feel - a distant memory.

Interestingly, my life has been such a roller coaster ride.. (lol)... quite interesting... perfect image of "Started from the bottom now we are here" (lol).. okay maybe not "there" yet but not doing badly. In my mid-thirties, got a great job I enjoy. Earn a decent income. Decent looks. Live in my own house. Married with two kids. Love my kids like crazyyyy! But the challenge is... I don't love my wife. It's a burden I carry. Been carrying it for a while, and now I'm just tired. I don't think I got married thinking I was going to end up in a divorce, but here I am - smack in the process of it and it is wearing me out.

I have often heard people say, "Endure.. Stick with it!.. Marriage is not a bed of roses.. etc.".. Yep! I tried.. I really did.. But mehn.. every single day, I feel a part of me dying.. and my fear is if I continue like this.. I probably won't get to 45. For my sanity, and emotional stability it's best I leave.

It's really not about pointing fingers saying "Oh! She's the bad one... or she did that.. I did this".. we've just gotten to the point where we are both not happy. And there are fundamentals I didn't think about before I got married. If I could go through a time machine and saw my younger self about to propose, I'd punch him in the face (lol).. or maybe I'd hesitate knowing that this union gave me gifts that I'd go through any form of fire and torment to have (i.e. my kids). Indeed I have thought about so many things. Will I end up alone for the rest of my life? Will I regret this? Is there some punishment waiting for me in future? Will this lead me into a deeper understanding of myself? Questions are endless... and I don't have the answers to them. But one thing I know is this... I must set myself free.
A friend is going through the same issue at the moment but the best answer to your problem is to stay away from her for sometime. Which means move out of the house,so she wakes up in the morning you are not there and back in the evening you are not there.The kids will ask questions and then she will value your presence. But as long as she sees you around the house everyday not will change.
Re: My Divorce Journal by ferhyntorlah(f): 2:47pm On Aug 12, 2017
Risingphoenix12:
Whatever happens.. You are not the first to go through it and you won't be the last. Life goes on.... smiley

Words to live by; words to live by.
Re: My Divorce Journal by sassyangel1(f): 8:57pm On Aug 12, 2017
zed7:

That's true love right there. The man is a trooper. Unfortunately most people don't marry for love. They marry for other things. You can't give what you don't have. Someone who has no happiness within will always chase around looking for happiness.
Happiness is within. It's waking up with a terminal illness and accepting that others too are going through stuff and not feeling miserable or looking for someone to blame. I've come to realize that an unhappy person will still be miserable in a perfect environment and setting. Learning to be happy is an art.

So true...
Re: My Divorce Journal by sassyangel1(f): 9:06pm On Aug 12, 2017
Risingphoenix12:
Interesting discourse and very enlightening too. But I have a few questions...using a bit of @sassyangel's dad's story as an example (hope I have your permission?)..

1) is it possible that if he was married to someone else living within a different reality, it may have ended differently ?

2) hope we are not confusing resignation with happiness? I'm not saying that's the case here but in similar scenarios, when people accept that "it's their cross" and trudge along while outsiders look and say "Oh that's a trooper" tongue... it may be a case of resignation and not love.

3) not all love stories end idyllically. I think that's another ideal that society foists on people. Are we seriously implying that there are no divorced/ remarried happy individuals or couples? I suspect that a few of them are probably just peeping at this thread and laughing to themselves.

4) why do people frown so hard at divorced people -
A bit harder on women I admit (especially in Nigerian/ African societies)? Surprisingly, this includes religious institutions (i.e. the church). It almost sounds like the unforgivable sin. Not by God but by men. Are we implying that if one gets into a wrong marriage by error or wilfully then he/she is trapped except the right conditions are met? (E.g. adultery, death etc)

5) (please permit me to refer to the Bible) Proverbs 6:16-19 also states things that God hates but we isolate divorce and treat it specially. I understand that a vow was made. Does breaking a vow made with God mean that other vows can't be fulfilled? Does that automatically make a divorcee a bad person that can never be trusted? Or there's a special place in hell reserved for them? Lol... or is this a case of people judging others that have fallen short of the glory of God, while we remain without sin?

Please I sincerely hope that we can discuss this with maturity and not resort to mudslinging and subtle jabs. Thanks once again to everyone that has shared his/her perspectives and helped others to shape their thoughts/lives constructively.



Sure u r free to use my story as a reference point. I'll truthfully say my parent had their own misunderstding buh I can swear wth my life n every being in me that we (my siblings n I) never ever saw my parents shout or scream @ each other. Even if they r having some lil misunderstding they ate together ( even if my dad gets back home b4 my mom he'll still remain hers in their couple plate. Wat normally brings them out is wen my mom tells us to pass somtin to our dad while they r both sitting 2geda. My siblings n I will jst dust ourselves n dash off 2 our room laffing @ both of them. U can never ever tell my dad or mom a secret n tell any of them nt to tell the other person (kolewerk).

9 Likes

Re: My Divorce Journal by sassyangel1(f): 9:10pm On Aug 12, 2017
Risingphoenix12:
Interesting discourse and very enlightening too. But I have a few questions...using a bit of @sassyangel's dad's story as an example (hope I have your permission?)..

1) is it possible that if he was married to someone else living within a different reality, it may have ended differently ?

2) hope we are not confusing resignation with happiness? I'm not saying that's the case here but in similar scenarios, when people accept that "it's their cross" and trudge along while outsiders look and say "Oh that's a trooper" tongue... it may be a case of resignation and not love.

3) not all love stories end idyllically. I think that's another ideal that society foists on people. Are we seriously implying that there are no divorced/ remarried happy individuals or couples? I suspect that a few of them are probably just peeping at this thread and laughing to themselves.

4) why do people frown so hard at divorced people -
A bit harder on women I admit (especially in Nigerian/ African societies)? Surprisingly, this includes religious institutions (i.e. the church). It almost sounds like the unforgivable sin. Not by God but by men. Are we implying that if one gets into a wrong marriage by error or wilfully then he/she is trapped except the right conditions are met? (E.g. adultery, death etc)

5) (please permit me to refer to the Bible) Proverbs 6:16-19 also states things that God hates but we isolate divorce and treat it specially. I understand that a vow was made. Does breaking a vow made with God mean that other vows can't be fulfilled? Does that automatically make a divorcee a bad person that can never be trusted? Or there's a special place in hell reserved for them? Lol... or is this a case of people judging others that have fallen short of the glory of God, while we remain without sin?

Please I sincerely hope that we can discuss this with maturity and not resort to mudslinging and subtle jabs. Thanks once again to everyone that has shared his/her perspectives and helped others to shape their thoughts/lives constructively.



Also, he could as well taken my mom to the village for trado wateva as some church members told him to. Mehn.... That period was a very trying one.
Re: My Divorce Journal by ModusOperandi(f): 9:58pm On Aug 12, 2017
Risingphoenix12:
Yea... I like "NUMB" smiley

Especially when he says... "every step that I take is another mistake to you...."

you could check out Whisperer by David Guetta ft Sia. It might seem a bit boring, but great lyrics nonetheless. It helps calm me down.

1 Like

Re: My Divorce Journal by Ginaz(f): 10:39pm On Aug 12, 2017
I laugh while going through the comments, excused me while I go at it again

*kikikikikikikikikikikhahhahahahahahahahahhahahaeeeeeekekekekkekekekekewawawawawawa*

*(Now I'm done)*

Let's get to business.

Love love love love!!!! People forget that the hearts that host this "incredible " thing called love are humans.

And being a human means we fall short of every expectations, It simply means we are humans.

What irks me is when people tend to think there are ways you ought to live your life, ain't no going back else you fall below standards. And these idealistic and unrealistic people only see the shoe under your feet, not the razor sharp pins that gives you so much an agony you wish you were dead when you walk on it.

It is an atom of hypocrisy if the same shoe you wear with bled toes are given to them for a day to possibly know the extent of your inner most suffering they would go back and pick the slogan "I am human, I can't ".

But why can't they see you are "human too"? You know why? Cos the shoe hurt only the wearer...and the head knows only what it carries.

Sometimes in order for peace to reign, there must be war. And you can not blame the war for happening if there is no peace. It is a natural phenomenon.

See, love can last a lifetime only to get broken in a second. The duration of years, suffering, and shiit that goes with love doesn't necessarily mean it won't fade off. It's commitment that makes it strong. You want to commit cos you love a person, and that makes the love grow stronger and beautiful.

In the case of the o.p, he can no longer commit, and when that's the case, how can love be found?

While we go and rant about our supposed prospective about how love should be, why can't we acknowledged the fact, "He is human"? And how many of us here despite ranting of "love is this and that" would stay 2years without sex and won't commit adultery? undecided

He can no longer cope, Fine!!!! His love is no longer long-suffering, oh that's fine also!!! If there was a chance it could still work out between them I'm sure he won't have gone all spree about his personal life. He saw there was no chance, let him heal.

After burning the wood out, there remains ash, who wants to keep ashes hoping it would spring out fire someday? sad

My kind of love is free, it should not be a do and die affair. If the love is dead, we go our own ways, perhaps, going apart might rekindle us back together.

True love doesn't fear a test, and a test all loves must pass under.

o.p, I'm sorry for your problems, however I do believe everything under the sun has a beginning and an end. If you have come to the end of your capacitance on what you can carry, it is forgiven for a human to say "I'm tired" I want a rest"

Use this medium, to go over your life, where it went wrong, where can be made right to ascertain yourself if this marriage can be made whole again.

But if it can't, don't be fearful or discouraged. You are only a human and I understand. You have a life too, live it.

Marriage is for better and for worse, however if there are lots of worse then it ain't right. sad

My episode is long I know I know angry angry angry


live your life, but most importantly, let your life live.

25 Likes 1 Share

Re: My Divorce Journal by Risingphoenix12: 11:32pm On Aug 12, 2017
I love the song. Thanks. smiley

ModusOperandi:
you could check out Whisperer by David Guetta ft Sia. It might seem a bit boring, but great lyrics nonetheless. It helps calm me down.
Re: My Divorce Journal by Risingphoenix12: 11:35pm On Aug 12, 2017
It's always comforting when someone just comes and speaks without an atom of judgement and full of understanding. Thank you. Thank you. smiley

Ginaz:


Re: My Divorce Journal by Ginaz(f): 12:01am On Aug 13, 2017
Risingphoenix12:
It's always comforting when someone just comes and speaks without an atom of judgement and full of understanding. Thank you. Thank you. smiley


I always try to be understanding as much as I can, I'm human too. I was in your shoe, not the marriage stuff though. I knew what I went through, fire and hailstones. Until I snapped and broke it up, I still care, love is still there...however I need a break for myself. That doesn't mean I didn't love him...didn't give my best.
I'm human, I got tired, I need a rest, i shouldn't be judged.

I like being free to say my mind as it is. Lies suffocates me. I would not want a situation my husband bears my presence, i'd rather he tells me things are wrong than lying besides me each and every night while he loathes the very air I breath in.

We can't handle the situation then we go our separate ways instead of living in a loveless marriage like old strangers kept in a hole where each one tolerates the other.

I can't be in that type of marriage o, I hope I won't. Cos I love very hard and get hurt easily. I'm a cry cry woman too lol.

3 Likes

Re: My Divorce Journal by Risingphoenix12: 9:42am On Aug 13, 2017
Today is a good day... feel happy and joyful. I don't know why though...

6 Likes

Re: My Divorce Journal by Nobody: 11:39am On Aug 13, 2017
Risingphoenix12:
Today is a good day... feel happy and joyful. I don't know why though...
been looking out for update. Great news!
Re: My Divorce Journal by getty02: 4:06pm On Aug 13, 2017
I saw this somewhere and thought it would be a nice read
https://thehusbandmaterial./2017/08/13/what-if-it-doesnt-work-out/

1 Like

Re: My Divorce Journal by Risingphoenix12: 4:30pm On Aug 13, 2017
Thanks. Interesting read. smiley

getty02:
I saw this somewhere and thought it would be a nice read
https://thehusbandmaterial./2017/08/13/what-if-it-doesnt-work-out/
Re: My Divorce Journal by djon78(m): 5:49pm On Aug 14, 2017
Sometimes I even begin to question this thing called love, but like on of the comments said we are humans and not perfect, therefore some love can go wrong.

But sometimes I feel one of the reason couples fall out of love is 'see finish', nothing interesting again. People need to work on themselves, to keep on stretching themselves and not being complacent. That way, the marriage will go from phase to phase. And honestly it takes a lot of work to make a marriage work out

1 Like

Re: My Divorce Journal by GHoJes: 1:05am On Aug 15, 2017
Interesting discourse and very enlightening too. But I have a few questions...using a bit of @sassyangel's dad's story as an example (hope I have your permission?)..

1) is it possible that if he was married to someone else living within a different reality, it may have ended differently ?

2) hope we are not confusing resignation with happiness? I'm not saying that's the case here but in similar scenarios, when people accept that "it's their cross" and trudge along while outsiders look and say "Oh that's a trooper" tongue... it may be a case of resignation and not love.

3) not all love stories end idyllically. I think that's another ideal that society foists on people. Are we seriously implying that there are no divorced/ remarried happy individuals or couples? I suspect that a few of them are probably just peeping at this thread and laughing to themselves.

4) why do people frown so hard at divorced people -
A bit harder on women I admit (especially in Nigerian/ African societies)? Surprisingly, this includes religious institutions (i.e. the church). It almost sounds like the unforgivable sin. Not by God but by men. Are we implying that if one gets into a wrong marriage by error or wilfully then he/she is trapped except the right conditions are met? (E.g. adultery, death etc)

5) (please permit me to refer to the Bible) Proverbs 6:16-19 also states things that God hates but we isolate divorce and treat it specially. I understand that a vow was made. Does breaking a vow made with God mean that other vows can't be fulfilled? Does that automatically make a divorcee a bad person that can never be trusted? Or there's a special place in hell reserved for them? Lol... or is this a case of people judging others that have fallen short of the glory of God, while we remain without sin?

Please I sincerely hope that we can discuss this with maturity and not resort to mudslinging and subtle jabs. Thanks once again to everyone that has shared his/her perspectives and helped others to shape their thoughts/lives con

3 Likes 1 Share

Re: My Divorce Journal by Sarang(f): 10:51am On Aug 25, 2017
sassyangel1:


Sure u r free to use my story as a reference point. I'll truthfully say my parent had their own misunderstding buh I can swear wth my life n every being in me that we (my siblings n I) never ever saw my parents shout or scream @ each other. Even if they r having some lil misunderstding they ate together ( even if my dad gets back home b4 my mom he'll still remain hers in their couple plate. Wat normally brings them out is wen my mom tells us to pass somtin to our dad while they r both sitting 2geda. My siblings n I will jst dust ourselves n dash off 2 our room laffing @ both of them. U can never ever tell my dad or mom a secret n tell any of them nt to tell the other person (kolewerk).

The kind of marriage am looking forward to
Bless us O! Jehovah.
Re: My Divorce Journal by ableguy(m): 5:03pm On Aug 25, 2017
Risingphoenix12:
It's 3:52am and I'm up again. Tired. Emotionally drained. Confused. Feeling of helplessness and hopelessness. Lost. Just one question ringing in my head - "How the F did I get here?"

I wish this was a journal filled with positive thoughts and uplifting words (snickers).. Nah.. This is about the story of my life. I find it hard to open up to people so I figured I'd just write to myself and hopefully someday, I'd read this.. and the current heaviness I feel - a distant memory.

Interestingly, my life has been such a roller coaster ride.. (lol)... quite interesting... perfect image of "Started from the bottom now we are here" (lol).. okay maybe not "there" yet but not doing badly. In my mid-thirties, got a great job I enjoy. Earn a decent income. Decent looks. Live in my own house. Married with two kids. Love my kids like crazyyyy! But the challenge is... I don't love my wife. It's a burden I carry. Been carrying it for a while, and now I'm just tired. I don't think I got married thinking I was going to end up in a divorce, but here I am - smack in the process of it and it is wearing me out.

I have often heard people say, "Endure.. Stick with it!.. Marriage is not a bed of roses.. etc.".. Yep! I tried.. I really did.. But mehn.. every single day, I feel a part of me dying.. and my fear is if I continue like this.. I probably won't get to 45. For my sanity, and emotional stability it's best I leave.

It's really not about pointing fingers saying "Oh! She's the bad one... or she did that.. I did this".. we've just gotten to the point where we are both not happy. And there are fundamentals I didn't think about before I got married. If I could go through a time machine and saw my younger self about to propose, I'd punch him in the face (lol).. or maybe I'd hesitate knowing that this union gave me gifts that I'd go through any form of fire and torment to have (i.e. my kids). Indeed I have thought about so many things. Will I end up alone for the rest of my life? Will I regret this? Is there some punishment waiting for me in future? Will this lead me into a deeper understanding of myself? Questions are endless... and I don't have the answers to them. But one thing I know is this... I must set myself free.

I can totally identify with you my brother, honestly. But in all I trust my creator to see me through.
Re: My Divorce Journal by Risingphoenix12: 8:50pm On Aug 25, 2017
And that shall be your portion. Don't let my current experience or those of others cloud your expectation.

Sarang:


The kind of marriage am looking forward to
Bless us O! Jehovah.

2 Likes

Re: My Divorce Journal by Risingphoenix12: 8:51pm On Aug 25, 2017
Don't worry. Keep your trust in him alone and He'll see you through.

ableguy:


I can totally identify with you my brother, honestly. But in all I trust my creator to see me through.

1 Like

Re: My Divorce Journal by Sarang(f): 9:03pm On Aug 25, 2017
Risingphoenix12:
And that shall be your portion. Don't let my current experience or those of others cloud your expectation.


Twill all be okay. Be strong

2 Likes

Re: My Divorce Journal by ableguy(m): 9:40pm On Aug 25, 2017
Risingphoenix12:
Don't worry. Keep your trust in him alone and He'll see you through.

Ya sure, I will
Re: My Divorce Journal by Amhappy(f): 6:02pm On Aug 26, 2017
Someone close to my heart has a health issue. People use to ask 'Who will marry her?' Can she bear children? One day she walked in with a young man and today they are married with a child. I pray he doesn't wake up one day and leave her. But even if he does ,her life alone is enough testimony. Who can believe she will ever have a family of her own. I never thought of this possibility till I saw this post.
Love is a choice not a feeling. You have lost the strength to choose her and should move on. Rather divorce than lose ones life. I hope your wife see the miracle of 7yrs of marriage and 2 wonderful children not the pain of divorce.

16 Likes

Re: My Divorce Journal by Risingphoenix12: 8:48pm On Aug 26, 2017
Thanks. That's my prayer too.

Amhappy:
Someone close to my heart has a health issue. People use to ask 'Who will marry her?' Can she bear children? One day she walked in with a young man and today they are married with a child. I pray he doesn't wake up one day and leave her. But even if he does ,her life alone is enough testimony. Who can believe she will ever have a family of her own. I never thought of this possibility till I saw this post.
Love is a choice not a feeling. You have lost the strength to choose her and should move on. Rather divorce than lose ones life. I hope your wife see the miracle of 7yrs of marriage and 2 wonderful children not the pain of divorce.
Re: My Divorce Journal by Risingphoenix12: 1:35pm On Aug 27, 2017
Watched this today. Just thought to share


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hG6oqtJAwdU&feature=youtu.be
Re: My Divorce Journal by ifegadinma: 10:13pm On Aug 30, 2017
remsonik:

Sorry I just see you both as selfish. Your children are too young to go through the emotional torture.
here we go again flying into others life.

1 Like

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