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I Think Marriage In Africa Is Against Women. - Family (2) - Nairaland

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Poll: Is Marriage In Africa Against Women?

Yes: 55% (44 votes)
No: 32% (26 votes)
Undecided: 11% (9 votes)
This poll has ended

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Re: I Think Marriage In Africa Is Against Women. by beknown(m): 1:58pm On Feb 16, 2010
chaircover:

Nigeria and the West are two different cultures when it comes to dating an marriage.

In the West the woman is to a certain degree protected, usually through the children; Courts always take the Children's welfare into consideration first.

I am sticking my neck out knowing fully well that I will yapped, but lets tell the truth. How many Naija women actively and selflessly help their husbands achieve success. The woman say that they don't want to help the man because he may end up going off with another woman; which is some case is true and some men are ingrates truly and truly.

Lets start from the dating scene; A Naija girl will typically expect the guy to buy her a recharge card if he wants her to call him, I say average as I accept that not all girls are like that.

Moving on to the first and subsequent dates the girl expects the guy to pick up all of the tab, she may even invite her friends along, Then they graduate to shopping; again the guy paying for everything. Even if a Naija girl has money she is not prepared to spend it on a man.

The wedding is planned and once again the man pays for most things, girls generally speaking want to marry a man that is already financially settled so most things are in place before she even moves in. Even after marriage, some women refuse to spend their own money and expect their man to pay 100% of the bills. (We have had topics like this thrashed on Nairaland) and the consensus is that bills are the mans responsibility.

I can therefore see the reluctance of men parting with half their property & money if there is a divorce.

In the West, women generally speaking see themselves as equals to men and act as equals from the start. I am not saying that Western women are not attracted by fame and fortune (The Wags are good examples) but an oyibo woman will have her money in her purse on a date and will expect to pay her own half of the meal. She doesn't not wait for her boyfriend to top up her T-mobile phone before she calls him, nether does she wait for her finance to have his own house before they get married.

Neither laws are perfect; the Western man who loses his property to a cheating wife or a Naija wife who is sent packing with nothing because the husband has installed a younger model.

Much work can be done on both laws to ensure that both parties have something that they can fall back on after the divorce.


@chaircover,

I agree with your points. In the scenario you painted, we could not categorically say that marriage in the western world is better than in African or vice versa.

The society need to change for the better without favouring a particular gender. And the genders must not expect to be favoured in any circumstance. That will create a fairer society.
Re: I Think Marriage In Africa Is Against Women. by otondo55: 2:11pm On Feb 16, 2010
Not at all against Women

Oriaku m ! iyawo ! Nyarinya !

Alwayz at the enjoying ends, Women ?

Re: I Think Marriage In Africa Is Against Women. by redsun(m): 2:46pm On Feb 16, 2010
The real african woman is the alpha in marriage,she controls all,not by bullying or bit-ching but by humility,self control and mere common sense.
Re: I Think Marriage In Africa Is Against Women. by Pittbaby(f): 3:11pm On Feb 16, 2010
the unfortumate truth is that women are the biggest culprit , how many times have you heard of a father in law going to distrurb a woman in her matrimonial home, unless he is just jobless and lives of his son.
Re: I Think Marriage In Africa Is Against Women. by MsTom(f): 3:25pm On Feb 16, 2010
@Poster,

I totaly agree. Even if your hubby is treating you well, your mother in law would be the one to tell you that you have no say in your home. Like she didnt have a say. She cried foul during her marriage and her daughters' but want her sons' marriage as irritating as possible. Will such treatment ever end when some women support harsh treatments for their sons's wives?

@Pittbaby,

You got the words out of my mouth. Thanks
Re: I Think Marriage In Africa Is Against Women. by stillgrds(m): 3:29pm On Feb 16, 2010
In the Bible, I found this in Genesis 3:16 -

16  To the woman he said: “I shall greatly increase the pain of your pregnancy; in birth pangs you will bring forth children, and your craving will be for your husband, and he will dominate you.

Some other Bible versions say "He will rule you"

could it be that women in Africa are are having their share of this curse?
Re: I Think Marriage In Africa Is Against Women. by MsTom(f): 3:38pm On Feb 16, 2010
H2O2:

and marriage in the west is against men.

That is not true. It supports the innocent. Could be the man or the woman but most importantly, the kids. It only supports their believe that marriage is not by force.
Re: I Think Marriage In Africa Is Against Women. by angel101(f): 4:03pm On Feb 16, 2010
what I find most appaling about marriage in the african context is that infidelity on the part of the man is largely accepted (even by women)
Re: I Think Marriage In Africa Is Against Women. by beknown(m): 4:55pm On Feb 16, 2010
angel101:

what I find most appaling about marriage in the african context is that infidelity on the part of the man is largely accepted (even by women)

@angel101,

You are talking from the point of view of the modern times only. As you may know, polygamy was largely practised in Nigeria without any problem. That is still the case in some families and in many other African countries.

The recent wedding of South African (SA) President was well reported - Mr Zuma married his third wife in a ceremony in SA. The SA law supports it. Read more about the wedding here:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/8434865.stm

The concept of 'one man, one wife' came with the colonial masters. Even then, it was not widely accepted by our past parents and leaders. It is no surprise that we are having differing opinions now.

Bible scholars will quickly refer to Solomon as a man who pleased God and he had many wives and concubines.

Even the Nigerian law still recognise polygamous relationships.
Re: I Think Marriage In Africa Is Against Women. by beknown(m): 5:01pm On Feb 16, 2010
Even the UK was forced to accept polygamous people into their country. Read more here:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/politics/1577395/Multiple-wives-will-mean-multiple-benefits.html
Re: I Think Marriage In Africa Is Against Women. by HARDDON: 5:14pm On Feb 16, 2010
out of words, out of breath! May d gud Lord continue to help to female folks!kiss
Re: I Think Marriage In Africa Is Against Women. by bawomolo(m): 5:25pm On Feb 16, 2010
The wedding is planned and once again the man pays for most things, girls generally speaking want to marry a man that is already financially settled so most things are in place before she even moves in

In yoruba culture, the bride's family bears are a significant part of the wedding expenses.  who do you think pays for the introduction and engagement etc?   I agree with the rest of your post though.

Nigerian women must strive for equality in EVERY AREA and not just the areas that SUIT them.   selective feminism can't work.   


I think u ve a point there though it would have been perfect if majority of the women in the African setting are well educated giving them the opportunity to get good jobs like their male counterparts to contribute to half the expenses. Unfortunately, that is not the case, hence the discrimination and lack of female empowerment

lots of the "educated" women on NL refuse to go half on dates. ujujoan and co, i dey lie?
Re: I Think Marriage In Africa Is Against Women. by amaikama(m): 5:38pm On Feb 16, 2010
@Poster, in my view, thats the kind of sacrifices we all have to pay in love, so, excerpt what comes and if he is the abusive type, just go down on your knees be prayerful for him that if you truly love him,
Re: I Think Marriage In Africa Is Against Women. by Nobody: 5:40pm On Feb 16, 2010
Re: I Think Marriage In Africa Is Against Women. by Nobody: 5:43pm On Feb 16, 2010
Re: I Think Marriage In Africa Is Against Women. by Nobody: 6:07pm On Feb 16, 2010
chaircover:

On paper, Yes the brides family are expected to pay the greater part of the wedding expenses but in reality the "bride" most often than not pushes the bill back to the husband and he ends up giving the girl money and she in turn hands it over to her parents.

not always.

A lot of dads are very touchy about such things, and insist on shouldering their share of the wedding expenses. I know some people like that.

Maybe in very poor families the woman will use the husband's money to finance her relatives' contribution, but if the family is well off, she has no reason to do so.
Re: I Think Marriage In Africa Is Against Women. by Nobody: 6:08pm On Feb 16, 2010
stillgrds:

In the Bible, I found this in Genesis 3:16 -

16  To the woman he said: “I shall greatly increase the pain of your pregnancy; in birth pangs you will bring forth children, and your craving will be for your husband, and he will dominate you.

Some other Bible versions say "He will rule you"

could it be that women in Africa are are having their share of this curse?




God did not curse the woman. Or man for that matter.

I discussed this with some friends the other day.
Re: I Think Marriage In Africa Is Against Women. by rudegirl: 6:18pm On Feb 16, 2010
i believe your tots is in rust kindly grease it up. grin
Re: I Think Marriage In Africa Is Against Women. by Nobody: 6:51pm On Feb 16, 2010
Most Women in this part of the world are their own worst enemies,

1. you meet this nice guy, and decide that yeah, he has to pay my bills, i mean ALL my bills

2. when courting him, he starts to give you a hint, that he wont want to keep a career woman as a wife, a woman that can at least have a good job and contribute to the well being of the family and the society and you say, 'maybe this guy is kidding' and you continue with that relationship. Alas! you married him, you realize that he wasn't joking afterall.

3. he hits you once, and you fight back, he hits you twice and you say 'Let me put him in the hands of God, He will make him change' (yeah right)

4. his hometown has a history of denying womens rights when they loose their husbands and you say 'oh well ill go ahead and marry him, his family are good Christians' (oh really?)

5. your own brother makes the mistake of marrying a nagging woman, you walk up to the lady and call her names 'Leave my brothers house!' (remove the log in your own eyes, lady!)

6. you're are only 25 and you say 'all my friends are getting married ,but me'. Some looser comes along feeds you with b.u.l.l.Poo, and you stay in the relationship (perhaps it's my fault, I can make it work, men are scarce anyone you see keep am oh, im not getting any younger)

, the list goes on and on.
Re: I Think Marriage In Africa Is Against Women. by H2O2: 6:55pm On Feb 16, 2010
MsTom:

That is not true. It supports the innocent. Could be the man or the woman but most importantly, the kids. It only supports their believe that marriage is not by force.
Please I beg to differ by all means. You are entitled to your own biased opinion as a woman. However, there's nothing innocent about the law having more of a propensity to favor the women in marriage. If your own innocent entry is that women are the innocent parties in marriage, then once again we can agree to disagree. A marriage system which rewards women for exploiting men is flawed.
Re: I Think Marriage In Africa Is Against Women. by princekevo(m): 7:16pm On Feb 16, 2010
@poster
How old are you? The thread has no single meaning
Am not sure you are married yet anyways.
Re: I Think Marriage In Africa Is Against Women. by peacettw: 7:45pm On Feb 16, 2010
Wow, didn't know my post will make the front page and i am greatly humbled by it.
princekevo:

@poster
How old are you? The thread has no single meaning
Am not sure you are married yet anyways.

Believe it or not, i am married with kids. As 4 my post, i am simply telling the truth n i know it is ugly.
Re: I Think Marriage In Africa Is Against Women. by MsTom(f): 7:56pm On Feb 16, 2010
H2O2:

Please I beg to differ by all means. You are entitled to your own biased opinion as a woman. However, there's nothing innocent about the law having more of a propensity to favor the women in marriage. If your own innocent entry is that women are the innocent parties in marriage, then once again we can agree to disagree. A marriage system which rewards women for exploiting men is flawed.

If you read my earlier post, you would conclude that I blame the women for the way they are being treated. Dont think that is a biases point of view. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. Tell me,  how is the system flawed? A system that gives the custody of the child to one who is found fit to care for the child better- not necesarily the woman. A system that does not allow men to beat up a woman and ironically, vice versa. I have seen a woman locked up for beating her husband. Now, you think that women are not being exploited by men? even in the western world? You get the same kind of education but earn less that the men. You get laid off or contract cancelled cos you get pregnant ( using the employement at will crap). How is that not an exploitation by men. Back to marriage, most women go through hell in the hands of the men and of cos vice versa. but when couples get divorce, and the woman gets the custody, do you want the woman out of the home like they would in africa? Tell her and her kids to leave and fend for themselves (you and i know hundreds of people who grew up like that) while the man start a new life with another woman. Is that the kind of system that is not flawed?   You might say that why should the woman get the custody in most cases. It is cos they are deemed fit. If you are not biased here, you would agree with me that women take care of their kids better than another woman can. I might be wrong in reading from your own perspective but I would like to understand how the system is flawed in that perspective.
Re: I Think Marriage In Africa Is Against Women. by shaba107(f): 8:31pm On Feb 16, 2010
why r u even thinking about it? It is against women!!!!! If u say u no do again, na wahala. If u do na stress. and d annoying part of it is dat they will tell u to bear it all cos of the kids ! imajin!!!!!anyway, me i go sign pre nuptial or no show! lipsrsealed lipsrsealed lipsrsealed
Re: I Think Marriage In Africa Is Against Women. by Nobody: 8:41pm On Feb 16, 2010
I have heard enough fuss here about nigerian woman what do you think about indian woman's family paying the bride price to the groom and also financing the wedding.most men dont allowed thier wife to work,rather prefer them to be homemakers.
Re: I Think Marriage In Africa Is Against Women. by bawomolo(m): 8:42pm On Feb 16, 2010
Ije004:

Most Women in this part of the world are their own worst enemies,

1. you meet this nice guy, and decide that yeah, he has to pay my bills, i mean ALL my bills

2. when courting him, he starts to give you a hint, that he wont want to keep a career woman as a wife, a woman that can at least have a good job and contribute to the well being of the family and the society and you say, 'maybe this guy is kidding' and you continue with that relationship. Alas! you married him, you realize that he wasn't joking afterall.

3. he hits you once, and you fight back, he hits you twice and you say 'Let me put him in the hands of God, He will make him change' (yeah right)

4. his hometown has a history of denying womens rights when they loose their husbands and you say 'oh well ill go ahead and marry him, his family are good Christians' (oh really?)

5. your own brother makes the mistake of marrying a nagging woman, you walk up to the lady and call her names 'Leave my brothers house!' (remove the log in your own eyes, lady!)

6. you're are only 25 and you say 'all my friends are getting married ,but me'. Some looser comes along feeds you with b.u.l.l.Poo, and you stay in the relationship (perhaps it's my fault, I can make it work, men are scarce anyone you see keep am oh, im not getting any younger)

, the list goes on and on.



close thread
Re: I Think Marriage In Africa Is Against Women. by Nobody: 8:44pm On Feb 16, 2010
shaba107:

why r u even thinking about it? It is against women!!!!! If u say u no do again, na wahala. If u do na stress. and d annoying part of it is dat they will tell u to bear it all cos of the kids ! imajin!!!!!anyway, me i go sign pre nuptial or no show! lipsrsealed lipsrsealed lipsrsealed

are pre-nups enforced in Nigeria and which Nigerian man will sign that? maybe a man who lives abroad,not one living back home
Re: I Think Marriage In Africa Is Against Women. by Nobody: 8:51pm On Feb 16, 2010
its no more news dat marriage 2 d african man favours d men so 2 cut long story short i'll marry a white dude,if God permits at least if he chase me outa d house i wount be bothered,i'll continue livin my life like notin serious happened,INFACT I'LL BE LIVING LARGER THAN LIFE because i will not leave alone.i'll leave with money n properties,he can go on n marry someone else 4 all i care d money, lifestyle n my kid is enough 2 make not feel bothered shocked shocked shocked shocked.but if na naija man i'll just pick my kids 1st,take some important documents dat r valuable 2 his life,house,shares n properties,lets see who d fool go be nah grin grin grin grin
Re: I Think Marriage In Africa Is Against Women. by Nobody: 10:14pm On Feb 16, 2010
men will not be able to live up 2 50yr if it favors the women. they wil just slice ur heart and send u 2 an early grave. They would leak u and serve u a divorce letter. Divorce wil be more rampant. can u imagine when a man might have spent all his life sweet woman,children and on the marriage only but for the woman travel with the children and serve the man divorce letter.
i dont knw hw marraige feels but i knw hw friendship feel.some Girls are devil. they would leak u and leave u.In short, i'll bite any girl that thinks of property.

they r so much intrested in money n property. Pls think about me,my children, n u . what is important is joy .
i rest my case.
Re: I Think Marriage In Africa Is Against Women. by Nobody: 10:16pm On Feb 16, 2010
sorry
leak u and leave u
Re: I Think Marriage In Africa Is Against Women. by H2O2: 10:55pm On Feb 16, 2010
MsTom:

If you read my earlier post, you would conclude that I blame the women for the way they are being treated. Dont think that is a biases point of view. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. Tell me,  how is the system flawed? A system that gives the custody of the child to one who is found fit to care for the child better- not necesarily the woman. A system that does not allow men to beat up a woman and ironically, vice versa. I have seen a woman locked up for beating her husband. Now, you think that women are not being exploited by men? even in the western world? You get the same kind of education but earn less that the men. You get laid off or contract cancelled cos you get pregnant ( using the employement at will crap). How is that not an exploitation by men. Back to marriage, most women go through hell in the hands of the men and of cos vice versa. but when couples get divorce, and the woman gets the custody, do you want the woman out of the home like they would in africa? Tell her and her kids to leave and fend for themselves (you and i know hundreds of people who grew up like that) while the man start a new life with another woman. Is that the kind of system that is not flawed?   You might say that why should the woman get the custody in most cases. It is cos they are deemed fit. If you are not biased here, you would agree with me that women take care of their kids better than another woman can. I might be wrong in reading from your own perspective but I would like to understand how the system is flawed in that perspective.
Lol, of course I expected you to deny that the odds are stacked against men.  It's already bad enough that men have a phobia of marriage, and it's much worse that when they eventually decide to take the plunge they are likely to get divorced (2/3 chance).  Divorce laws make divorce an attractive option for western women and ultimately makes them less enduring in marriage.  Ever heard of unilateral divorces?  It's one of those get rich quick schemes that women love to exploit.  Granted she's allowed to offer no reason for divorcing your black arse, and not only that . . . she can make away with a bulk of your property and your wealth, and of course use you to pay dividends in form of child support as I mentioned earlier.  And I like how you brushed off the women custody wins with amazing celerity.  The woman gets custody and the man can or will of course be legally prosecuted if he makes any unauthorized contact with his own children, despite the fact that roughly 85% of all  spousal and child support payments are made by MEN.  They have little to no say in the child's upbringing and are turned into financial slaves.  Permission to see your own children lol.  The family courts excitedly despoil men in courts with no lube so of course it only makes sense that you would support it deathly because it benefits you as a woman immensely.  On the other hand it forces men to be servile in marriages at the mercy of their wives.  It's no surprise that divorce is so replete in western world for these very reasons.  Marriage is hanging on for dear life as it stands and the reason is clear to all.  Meanwhile, the whimsical knee-jerk reason you gave for justifying why women deserve to have the kids in their custody is the same employed to emancipate from a lifetime of financial accountability post-divorce.  Even more absurd is the fact that the excuse you gave for them winning custody battles does not make them the superior or better parent, it's just an automatic assumption made by courts that women are the better nurturers.

I don't even feel like discussing this again.  It's mind-boggling. Again, if that's the kind of system you feel we should graduate and gravitate toward then I disagree with you.
Re: I Think Marriage In Africa Is Against Women. by Nobody: 10:59pm On Feb 16, 2010
amaikama:

@Poster, in my view, thats the kind of sacrifices we all have to pay in love, so, excerpt what comes and if he is the abusive type, just go down on your knees be prayerful for him that if you truly love him,

Complete crap. *sigh*

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