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I Think Marriage In Africa Is Against Women. - Family (3) - Nairaland

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Poll: Is Marriage In Africa Against Women?

Yes: 55% (44 votes)
No: 32% (26 votes)
Undecided: 11% (9 votes)
This poll has ended

Why Don't More Men Speak Up About Violence Against Women? / I Think I Am Pregnant / Traditional Marriage In The Village, Is It Compulsory? (1) (2) (3) (4)

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Re: I Think Marriage In Africa Is Against Women. by oyinda3(f): 5:46am On Feb 18, 2010
bawomolo:

of course why not make the child pay you, you can as well force your kids to hawk Ogi or Plantain on the streets in order to pay you for your SERVICES.  I guess those kids FORCED you to bring them into this world.  Jesu christi, motherhood is now a service measured in monetary terms.

ummm child support is for the CHILD, spousal support is what she gets to spend on herself.   The woman might want to consider getting a job to provide for herself rather than living off her kids like a leech. 

That's an exception and not the norm.   most single mothers aren't in the army.



OMG you make absolutely no sense at all.
funny how the "father" of the child is ommited from all your post.  what is the father doing all these time. where is he and how is he spending his salary?  why is he avoiding his responsibilities!!?
when the woman gets a job, where will she put the kid when she goes to work? when she comes back and needs to sleep, where will the kid be?
see how you make no sense!!?

the article just happened to be about the army. it could have been any profession.  many women are forced to make the decision between staying at home to raise kids and going to work to earn money. the profession in the article could as well be the finance industry or education. many women are laid off every year for taking time off to take care of their kids in many professions!!! i think your just trying to annoy me with these comments because i'm sure every body knows these stuff and it's still a very controversial issue in current discussions.

and yes of course the single mom is talking care of her child. putting as much resources as she can into the upbringing.but it is generally not enough. kids of single moms are more likely to grow up in poverty than ones that are supported by both parents. since there is only so much a mom can do. even with the help of the govt ex food stamps and such.

here is another link that has nothing to do with the army. I would love to hear your comment on it:
http://www.gothamgazette.com/article/socialservices/20060810/15/1931

and try not to omit the "father" from your next post. President Obama clearly didn't make his famous father's day speech for nothing. and he's a product of a "hit and run" father so he knows what he's talking about
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/06/18/obama-fathers-day-message_n_217561.html


you are right, i didn't pay attention in economic class to realize women deserved to get paid for the service of being baby factories.  You are going into feminazi territory here.

ok now you make no sense. we're talking about child support and finances.  of course economics is a tied to it. if you want to ignore the economics then there is no logical argument to be made really.

lol @  "women are baby factories." seriously now. even if your going to be blatantly sexist,at least try not to make derogatory comments.
Re: I Think Marriage In Africa Is Against Women. by rasputinn(m): 7:11am On Feb 18, 2010
@ Peace

Is this your personal situation?
Re: I Think Marriage In Africa Is Against Women. by Cyberfreak: 9:01am On Feb 18, 2010
Abeg. Marriages are against women in Africa. The men voting 'no' and saying that it is not so are just doing it because they don't want things to change. They want to continue enjoying oppressive priviledges.
Imagine women who are the weaker sexes juggling their income jobs and bearing and raising children and taking care of their households(washing, cooking, cleaning etc) and taking care of their needs while all men want to do is go to work and come back to watch teevee, under the pretext that housework is meant for women. Marriages are against women, you men should stop kidding yourselves.
Re: I Think Marriage In Africa Is Against Women. by nwadinma(f): 9:24am On Feb 18, 2010
The issue here is ignorance. I was listening to a lawyer on AIT the other day and he said that Nigerian constitution is just a copy of American constitution. If so then whatever an American woman can claim from her husband as a result of divorce, a Nigerian Woman can do same too.


The thing is that most women lack information and she don't even know that the home she lives in with her husband and children belongs to her. She has no idea that in case of any separation or divorce, the man is the one to leave the house and not her.

If Oyibo women can be granted child support, so can she.

The bottom line is ignorance-i think cos if you know your right and what you worth, you will never be treated like a trash.


On the other hand, if anyone-man or woman wants to treated as equal, he or she must first of all act as equal.
Re: I Think Marriage In Africa Is Against Women. by CrudeOil2(m): 11:11am On Feb 18, 2010
I think marriages should be abolished.
Re: I Think Marriage In Africa Is Against Women. by Parnassuss(m): 2:24pm On Feb 18, 2010
@Crde Oil, u're the embodiment of wisdom. If the thing pain them like that, abeg make una kukuma no marry. Marriage is against the African woman truely, but dating is also against the African man. Where some fellow has been bashed and bruised by so called 'sharp babes' in his youth, let's not expect any high morals in marriage from said fellow, he too will bash and bruise; either literally or figuratively.
Re: I Think Marriage In Africa Is Against Women. by Cyberfreak: 4:56pm On Feb 18, 2010
^^^So if men were 'bashed and bruised' while they were dating, it gives them the right to treat whatever innocent woman they marry in future unfairly? Is it the wives' fault that the men are not smart enough to avoid falling victim to those 'sharp girls'?
I am trying to be civil in this post so you would get my point.
Ok. What if some man, in future decides to treat your daughter like a slave because his former girlfriends played him? Are you trying to say his action would be justified?
My friend, please think your words through before saying/posting them.
Re: I Think Marriage In Africa Is Against Women. by oyinda3(f): 9:29pm On Feb 18, 2010

The bottom line is ignorance-i think cos if you know your right and what you worth, you will never be treated like a trash.


On the other hand, if anyone-man or woman wants to treated as equal, he or she must first of all act as equal.

i agree
Re: I Think Marriage In Africa Is Against Women. by clintwine(m): 10:05pm On Feb 18, 2010
Hi, to this topic, i would only say that to those that say we should incorporate western laws into ours should come to here and see what a mess those laws have produced.

I am totally against a man hitting a woman( I think if caught shd be jailed)
Also am totally against a man waking up and asking his wife to pack her bags.

But in sincerity, as man tries to bring out laws to combat one situation, he creates and multiplies other problems, cause the law can never be perfect.

Here getting married is an issue, cos most men tend to think that the lady is after his wealth.

I believe that behind every successful man is a woman, and both are one, and ones we get this wrong, our society becomes a mess.
Re: I Think Marriage In Africa Is Against Women. by H2O2: 10:11pm On Feb 18, 2010
the day is over
Re: I Think Marriage In Africa Is Against Women. by bawomolo(m): 6:14am On Feb 19, 2010
ok now you make no sense. we're talking about child support and finances.  of course economics is a tied to it. if you want to ignore the economics then there is no logical argument to be made really.

yeah you deserve a couple of checks for raising a baby you brought into the world.  No one forced you to have a child and that includes single mothers. No one forced them to have unprotected sex with no-good men (yes i know some are widows)

lol @  "women are baby factories." seriously now. even if your going to be blatantly sexist,at least try not to make derogatory comments.

madam feminazi "all men are evil" , you weren't reading within the context of the post, were you?  You are a baby factory if you expect to be paid for the "products" you produce.
Re: I Think Marriage In Africa Is Against Women. by oyinda3(f): 6:27am On Feb 19, 2010
bawomolo:

yeah you deserve a couple of checks for raising a baby you brought into the world.  No one forced you to have a child and that includes single mothers.    No one forced them to have unprotected intimacy with no-good men (yes i know some are widows)


and the govt is turning these "no-good men" into "good men" with the implementation of the child support laws  wink
that's the point. to encourage responsibility.



madam feminazi "all men are evil" , you weren't reading within the context of the post, were you?  You are a baby factory if you expect to be paid for the "products" you produce.

and here i am thinking that factory workers get paid for their work. rather than the inanimate factory building itself.
so maybe you mean "baby factory workers" that i can understand.

I think Obama is a fine man. am i still "feminazi" ? rotfl
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/06/16/us/politics/15cnd-obama.html


anyways, on a sidenote, i think one of the reasons Asians are very successful is because the men are encouraged to be hardworking. no money, no job, NO WIFE/FAMILY. lol
with most AAs, it's the opposite. a woman looking for a hardworking man to build a successful family with is labeled golddigger. "miss independent" aka single mother 9 months down the line, is the applauded way to go.  grin how is this sort of culture beneficial for the society?
Re: I Think Marriage In Africa Is Against Women. by bawomolo(m): 7:22am On Feb 19, 2010
oyinda.:

and the govt is turning these "no-good men" into "good men" with the implementation of the child support laws  wink
that's the point. to encourage responsibility.

What's wrong with child support laws?  No one is arguing against child support.  If you have a child, u should be forced to support it.
please learn to read.


anyways, on a sidenote, i think one of the reasons Asians are very successful is because the men are encouraged to be hardworking. no money, no job, NO WIFE/FAMILY. lol

here comes the stereotypes.  Asians are a large group (literally billions) with varying cultures.   i guess asians are raised the same way.


with most AAs, it's the opposite.

here comes the racial stereotypes,


a woman looking for a hardworking man to build a successful family with is labeled golddigger.

the key world you have there is "build with".  That's not a golddigger but a partner.  Golddiggers want to live off a man and think they are entitled to spend their children's child support money on themselves.  Kids should not be used for financial gain


"miss independent" aka single mother 9 months down the line, is the applauded way to go.  grin how is this sort of culture beneficial for the society?


Do you know the true meaning of miss independent.  Women like Oprah and condi rice are what i would call miss independent.   you really need to get over this your black women are victims tirade.   The swipe at African americans was pretty hilarious[quote][/quote]
Re: I Think Marriage In Africa Is Against Women. by H2O2: 7:54am On Feb 19, 2010
Lol what a series of farce i'm reading from oyinda's posts.

Now dudes like Bawo can see why I believe women have a proclivity for believing they're innately entitled to financial provisions from men. This is also a reason why we have the Ujujoan syndrome.
Re: I Think Marriage In Africa Is Against Women. by bawomolo(m): 8:07am On Feb 19, 2010
H2O2:

Lol what a series of farce i'm reading from oyinda's posts.

Now dudes like Bawo can see why I believe women have a proclivity for believing they're innately entitled to financial provisions from men.  This is also a reason why we have the Ujujoan syndrome.

he he Ujujoan deserves a noble prize for gold digger economics.

Why any logical woman would think its right for a woman to spend child support money on herself is mind boggling.
Re: I Think Marriage In Africa Is Against Women. by chiogo(f): 8:12am On Feb 19, 2010
@topic, I agree. But some of them like it that way, they do nothing to change it. undecided
Internalized oppression?
Re: I Think Marriage In Africa Is Against Women. by Iranoladun(f): 10:07am On Feb 19, 2010
@topic I don't compeletely agree with the term "I think marriage in Africa is against women" rather I'd think we should be looking at 'unfairly treated' 'lopsided' 'unequal right' i.e. Marriage as an institution in Africa is favorable to the man than the woman or treat woman unfairly etc.

A culture that allows an institution like marriage to favour one partner over the others need to be re-examined.

What do I mean? In the western culture the woman is favoured in my opinion more than the man and in Africa it is the man more than the woman.

I think both parties should have equal rights:

1. properties (except where one party could prove ownership)
2. The matrimonial Home & the content therein should be shared equally
3. Custody should equally be offered to the man as well as the woman except for a very young child then the custody goes to the mother until the child is of age
4. Child support should be paid to whoever has the child/children custody by the other partner (I don't think they practice this in the west; correct me if you have an expert opinion)

Although, in Nigeria we are still clinging to archaic and 'harmful' cultural practices which cannot be rationalize in today's world e.g.

1. the traditional role of a man in most Nigerian culture is to bring in the money/food while the wife takes care of the children, the home and the man. Is this the reality now? there are so many women including yours truly who are working and contributing to the family pot (in some cases at equal proportion with the husband or sometimes even more than the husband). Should the man then remain adamant on his cultural/traditional role of bread-winner without any other contribution to the traditional role of women as homemaker? I don't think so; once the woman is juggling a job/career with home-making in order to contribute to the family pot then the man should help out even if it is only in the area of taking care of the kids while the woman still do the cooking/cleaning. wink

2. Traditionally women has no say in anything at home. The man decide for the family. Does that fit into today's world? I don't think so. Nowadays women are more knowledgeable/educated than in the olden days. Therefore they are able to contribute from their own wealth of experience or knowledge to issues as well as the man and they say two heads are better than one lipsrsealed

3. In the olden days, the man owns everything in the home and so when there is a divorce or the woman becomes a widow it makes sense for the man/his family to take over the property without any recourse to the woman/widow. Is this the reality today? No, now women also contribute to the acquisition of properties and in case of a divorce/death the man cannot lay claim to everything in that marriage (there are few exception to the above).

4. Widowhood: It is the tradition for a woman to observe certain rites when the husband is dead (and in some culture up till now she may pay with her life if she refuse) e.g. shave off her head, wear black dress for some months (ranges from 40 days to one year), drink the corpse water, put ashes on her body/head, may not re-marry because the husband family will seriously kick against it, may be "inherited" by any of the late husband brother or uncle, is not entitle to anything that belong to her husband/the marriage except the family say so, etc

These practices to the best of my knowledge are limited to only women. I have not heard of any man whose wife died that practise any of the above rite in fact the man is encourage by his family/friends to quickly take another woman as wife upon the demise of his wife angry

Re: I Think Marriage In Africa Is Against Women. by MyJoe: 11:25am On Feb 19, 2010
@op
Where is Sam Milla? This thread can use a scenario. wink
Re: I Think Marriage In Africa Is Against Women. by Shinatu: 2:49pm On Feb 19, 2010
@Chaircover,

I usually agree with your reasoning but I have tried to think of ladies I know who got married in the last 15years
and I would say only about 15% of them had thier husbands pay for the wedding.

@topic

I am amused when people ask women to split paying of bills with their husbands in Nigeria. I may not know what operates in the Western world since I only visit and I have come to learn not to believe all what u see in movies, but I can talk about what happens in Nigeria., in general terms though there may be some exceptions

Here in this country it will never be 50/50 when a woman split bills.
To an average Nigerian man, a woman's job is a woman's job whether she pays the rent or not, the fact that she even does that makes her the point of observtion for the husband , inlaws, neighbours,Pastor and Church members who will want to see wether she has started 'growing wings' just because she has money(pays rent or she buys)

The woman carries the pregnancy(which could be problematic depending on the person) for 9months, puts to bed only to be waking up in the nights to feed the baby, resumes work (maternity leave in Nigeria is about 3months)and deliveres her tasks in the office like nothing happened in the night and you want her to split bills 50/50?

Is that fair? is this realy 50/50?
Re: I Think Marriage In Africa Is Against Women. by GEW: 4:05pm On Feb 19, 2010
Nigeria and the West are two different cultures when it comes to dating an marriage.

In the West the woman is to a certain degree protected, usually through the children; Courts always take the Children's welfare into consideration first.

I am sticking my neck out knowing fully well that I will yapped, but lets tell the truth. How many Naija women actively and selflessly help their husbands achieve success. The woman say that they don't want to help the man because he may end up going off with another woman; which is some case is true and some men are ingrates truly and truly.

Lets start from the dating scene; A Naija girl will typically expect the guy to buy her a recharge card if he wants her to call him, I say average as I accept that not all girls are like that.

Moving on to the first and subsequent dates the girl expects the guy to pick up all of the tab, she may even invite her friends along, Then they graduate to shopping; again the guy paying for everything. Even if a Naija girl has money she is not prepared to spend it on a man.

The wedding is planned and once again the man pays for most things, girls generally speaking want to marry a man that is already financially settled so most things are in place before she even moves in. Even after marriage, some women refuse to spend their own money and expect their man to pay 100% of the bills. (We have had topics like this thrashed on Nairaland) and the consensus is that bills are the mans responsibility.

I can therefore see the reluctance of men parting with half their property & money if there is a divorce.

In the West, women generally speaking see themselves as equals to men and act as equals from the start. I am not saying that Western women are not attracted by fame and fortune (The Wags are good examples) but an oyibo woman will have her money in her purse on a date and will expect to pay her own half of the  meal. She doesn't not wait for her boyfriend to top up her T-mobile phone before she calls him, nether does she wait for her finance to have his own house before they get married.

Neither laws are perfect; the Western man who loses his property to a cheating wife or a Naija wife who is sent packing with nothing because the husband has installed a younger model.

Much work can be done on both laws to ensure that both parties have something that they can fall back on after the divorce.

who said truth is bitter?

seriously i think we dont know the value of marriage and strong relationships as a people.  the idea of marrying someone becos he can buy recharge cards and probably has a money dont make for good marriage.

we have a lot to learn and a very long way to go
Re: I Think Marriage In Africa Is Against Women. by oyinda3(f): 2:47am On Feb 20, 2010
bawomolo:

What's wrong with child support laws?  No one is arguing against child support.  If you have a child, u should be forced to support it.
please learn to read.

ok. we are on the same page then. I thought u were against it.


here comes the stereotypes.  Asians are a large group (literally billions) with varying cultures.   i guess asians are raised the same way.

well, asians in america. as compared to african americans tongue
yea it's a stereotype. but they mostly have an element of truth.
ex. asians are good at math. stereotype? yes!! has an element of truth? yes!!! lol tongue


the key world you have there is "build with".  That's not a golddigger but a partner.  Golddiggers want to live off a man and think they are entitled to spend their children's child support money on themselves.  Kids should not be used for financial gain

ok i agree with u here. some women are like that.


Do you know the true meaning of miss independent.  Women like Oprah and condi rice are what i would call miss independent.   you really need to get over this your black women are victims tirade.   The swipe at African americans was pretty hilarious

I put the term in quotations for a reason because I'm talking about the black community definition. the typical lady neyo is singing to. because i'm 100% sure he wasn't singing about condi rice or oprah. rotfl
Re: I Think Marriage In Africa Is Against Women. by seyibrown(f): 7:15pm On Feb 22, 2010
@ Topic

L'aye atijo! These days, your own life/future/destiny is in your own hands! If you find yourself in an abusive marriage, get out of it! Adulterous husband, let go of him before he gives you HIV!

Your life is in your own hands!
Re: I Think Marriage In Africa Is Against Women. by bukatyne(f): 10:04am On Mar 19, 2012
i agree wit d topic and i would like to add my 2kobo 1. it is women that caused this disadvantage. ow? the upbringing of d boy (husband to be) comes into place: ow many mothers allow their sons to participate actively in domestic chores? even when d son offers to help, they tell him d place of a woman is in d kitchen! ow many elder sons wash their clothes etc etc? al this while, they re unconsciously plantin inferior ideas into their female children. their brother is right in wateva he does! even if he is wrong, d daughter ll get married so y doesn't she learn to endure? 2. gals: b'cos of their inferiority complex, is ready to stomach wateva d spoilt guy does to them! 'afteral, al men re d same', 'it is natural for a man to cheat', 'men re scarce', '1001 ladies want to be in ur shoes' 'ile oko, ile eko ni' etc etc and close their eyes to wateva form of abuse he chooses 3. mother-in-laws: ow many MILs ll be happy to c their sons help their wives or treat her wit love n care? ow many FILs care about ow d wife looks at them or greet etc etc? i don't kn if it is b'cos such women never knew/enjoyed d love of their husbands n re jealous.
Re: I Think Marriage In Africa Is Against Women. by bukatyne(f): 10:59am On Mar 19, 2012
however, d men re not entirely blameless... there is something called re-training: u can pick up good habits from others n learn! i know some nigerian men dat assist their wives al thru in house chores, even when d wife is doin something simple, they stay wit them n just keep her company! it doesn't make them less of a man or not d head of his home! anyways, i genuinely believe that any man that genuinely loves his wife ll help her if time/chance permits!

1 Like

Re: I Think Marriage In Africa Is Against Women. by Genius100: 8:58pm On Mar 19, 2012
All these women wan kill me with lafta. You better be happy about marriage in Africa as it relates to women. Yes, the Nigerian society places more restrictions on women, than it does men, but those restrictions are perfectly apt. I think most women will agree that a large percentage of women are not very logical, hence those restrictions are neccessary to keep women in line. But there are also a lot of advantages. In Nigeria, it's a big shame for a man to be unable to provide for his household. It is not that shameful in the western societies. In Nigeria, it's quite uncommon for a man not to take care of his kids, but it is very common in the west.

We are all witness to what the unbridled freedom in the west has done to the home. 50% of marriages end in divorce, with most divorces initiated by women. Higher than 50% of African American kids are born out of wedlock. Infact a lot of African American men are refusing to marry for good reason. A lot of kids raised in single family homes by women end up being f-ucked up beyond measure.

All in all, my take is that if women are given unbridled freedom, they will abuse it and it's only a matter of time before men starts refusing to marry. In fact, if I was American, I probably would have no plans to marry. I will find one sensible woman to give me one or two kids, take care of my kids and her and enjoy my freedom.

The real problem with African marriages, is that women are choosing the wrong people to marry. Instead of looking for a reasonable man to marry, they are simply going after men with money. Well, with that money, comes a lot of wahala. So blame yourself if you refuse to do the neccessary homework on your compatibility with the man you intend to marry..
Re: I Think Marriage In Africa Is Against Women. by peacettw(f): 8:00pm On Mar 20, 2012
I didn't marry a man with money but my god, he is so difficult that it's so hard to keep up due to heartbreak and all
Re: I Think Marriage In Africa Is Against Women. by freshdude2(m): 3:15pm On Mar 21, 2012
peacettw: I didn't marry a man with money but my god, he is so difficult and yes, I've considered divorce.
If you don't mind my asking, what do you mean when you say difficult?
Re: I Think Marriage In Africa Is Against Women. by kambili190: 9:55am On Mar 24, 2012
for everyone who thinks that western rules favour single mothers and that it is so easy for a woman to divorce and that afterwards she owns so much of her ex husband's wealth and property. in fact, you know very little. single mothers are the group in society who is at a great risk of poverty or indeed poor. check the statistics.

then, when you're divorced the father has still the right to see and take care of his children. most fathers enjoy the right to come every second weekend to pick their children up on Friday to bring them back on Sunday. they don't complain. even many Nigerian men consider it cool to be a every second weekend daddy. it's so comofortable BUT mothers has to be there ALL THE TIME. I don't see how it is convenient to women.

no the law does not make it easy for women here. and it pisses me off that daddies come every second weekend even though in most cases they are FREE to see their kids more often.

and for those who claim that women go away with the men'S property and wealth. they don't! most women here work and so part of the property is THEIRS. logically, after marriage it is divided between the parties. however, in most cases there is not really much to divide unless you are very rich. so you stay with your kids and depend on the little money you get for your children because if they are still very young you can'T work. and why do you complain that men have to pay for their children? so must women. the money that fathers have to pay for their children after divorce is not enough to even feed them. ridiculous!

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