I know this is a family section and I believe there are matured minds here.

How can one totally forgive a wife who was once caught cheating with another man? The fact is that she's also regretful but the husband keeps hurting her verbally whenever there's an argument between them which might be due to the emotional trauma he's still nursing. And this man won't allow this wife to pack her belongings because he loves her & he does not want their two children to suffer from lack of proper parental upbringing. He has forgiven her so many times but forgetting the ugly incident is the problem he's also battling. He has totally lost consciousness when he mentioned the issue while I was there. They were both shedding tears of bitterness after all the shouts died down. The husband, my cousin, called me in later & begged me that the issue has been his family secret, that I must tell no one else.
Please NLers, how can he possibly & totally forget the act of infidelity?
I can summon courage and relay your meaningful advices to him,,,,as suggestions.
And if you think there's no harm living under such a roof, then I need not to keep nursing their headache.

I can imagine...Once someone you trust so much cheats on you and loses that trust, It cannot be forgotten. Its either (a) he simply forgives her and continues with the marriage or (b) he sends her packing. For option A to happen is by the special grace of God though

Only if the man make up his mind to Stop Talking about it. But about him forgetting it?
That's not possible.

He can forgive her if he has a large heart but he won't forget it if he has a functional brain.

I thought he begged you not to divulge his secret..? Or you think the internet is that anonymous?..

1)True forgiveness isn't automatic, it's a gradual process. Try as you can, your human instincts will get in the way; via outbursts (like he did in your presence), vengeful thoughts, spite, anger _name it.
2)It isn't letting the offender get away easily.
3)It doesn't mean shying away from the reality of the offence or its resultant hurt.
4)It doesn't mean he should become the victim. Don't ever blame yourself.

Having the aforementioned in mind, his reactions are not out of place, but remember she has shown remorse. Forgetting completely might not be attainable _he doesn't have amnesia. What he does with the memory of the act is what determines how well he has handled forgiving and forgetting.

None of us here knows his wife like him. He alone knows if she is worth a second chance and she seems to be worth it.

What are the circumstances surrounding the cheating? Did she confess or he caught her?
_who was the third party? An ex? Colleague? Someone he considers lesser?
_when did she cheat?
_how did she cheat? Emotional or Physical?
_why did she cheat. We don't like to hear this, but truth is, cheating is a sign something is wrong. It's not a justification anyway. People just love the easy way out.

I would suggest he comes to terms with the above answers, it's a step in the right direction. We can't rush him into forgiveness, but he has to forget the third party, the act and what society says or thinks for a minute to put the family first. Something she didn't do.

He should make peace with himself and the situation, then call his wife and forgive, she's hurt already. Tell her the changes he wants to see. She on her part has to assure him there would be no reoccurence and play a major part in rebuilding the broken trust.

Not forgetting the need to work on their relationship afresh as a couple. It makes it easier to resist future temptations.

Time heals _ he should give it time.
As long as there is a seed of love, something can still grow.
If there is anyone they really need to talk to now _it's a PROFESSIONAL counsellor, not you, not a pastor/family member (no offence to the later(s).

It's a dicey issue, forgiving is possible and to an extent easy. Buh to forget is a problem and usually hard to do.

There is no way he would forget, buh forgetting means never using past events in analysing and judging future events, the more reasons why spouses should be careful not to lose the trust placed on them.

you can forgive but it's hard to forget, especially if it really hurt you. i guess he's still in pain over that ish. they both need to go for counselling




if he loves her and doesn't want her packing. he should remove his mind totally from that incident. like what the hell? we're humans, we make mistakes.

He can't forget but if he has truly forgiven as he said,then he should let go and not let the incident determine how he deals with his wife now.
He needs to see a professional counsellor/psychologist.

@paperlace: splendid advice.

The wife should keep praying he heals. We handle hurt differently.

Hmmmmh

Big kudos to your cousin for even agreeing to live under the same roof with her..... I applaud him walahi... The guy try nobi small....... I for sure won't even stay under the same roof with her or have anything to do with her..... I detest a cheating wife..... I prefer my wife has a foul mouth(all women do sha).... I will gladly forgive my wife if she tries to poison or kill me and I survive than a woman cheating on me...

The marriage should be dissolved for the sake of the man's sanity..... It can never be repaired.... Let that man not use frustration and anger and kill the woman in her sleep...... Ask your cousin (or even u, I suspect u r the man) to take a walk... He can never heal.

Fkforyou:
I thought he begged you not to divulge his secret..? Or you think the internet is that anonymous?..

My thoughts exactly!

coolcatty:
Hmmmmh

Big kudos to your cousin for even agreeing to live under the same roof with her..... I applaud him walahi... The guy try nobi small....... I for sure won't even stay under the same roof with her or have anything to do with her..... I detest a cheating wife..... I prefer my wife has a foul mouth(all women do sha).... I will gladly forgive my wife if she tries to poison or kill me and I survive than a woman cheating on me...

The marriage should be dissolved for the sake of the man's sanity..... It can never be repaired.... Let that man not use frustration and anger and kill the woman in her sleep...... Ask your cousin (or even u, I suspect u r the man) to take a walk... He can never heal.

you speak my mind as in ehen i cant even talk to her not to talk of living under same roof with her... people have different kind of brains and memory someone like me once i see something i never forget and it will keep hurting me and i will be having flashbacks whenever i set my eyes on that person..

He has taken a decision to forgive, i dont think he can ever forget.
What he should deliberately do is look for a way to stop talking about it no matter how hurt he feels, its not going to help the healing process.

Give it some time he will be fine

If it's just a boyfriend and girlfriend relationship it would have been easy but marriage is quite different . You took a vow o.

He should have to forgive, after all God forgives us upon all our sins. Moreover love covers a multitude of sins. Thank God he still loves his wife, he should for the sake of love forgive her wholeheartedly.

Hope, faith, love but the greatest of them all is love.

There are solutions around this, its an emotional issue, this is one of the crosses of marriage that so many don't wish for themselves, first and foremost for me, I have to forgive my wife of all sins in advanced, even the ones of tomorrow, I have forgiven already, that's the decision I took, its a spiritual decision any way. In your cousin's case, he has forgiven but he keeps referring to it, not just forgetting but referring to it during arguments. Let him do the following, for his sake and the sake of his family.

1) Reset and format all the past mistakes of his wife, including this act of infidelity
2) This is big opportunity to draw closer to God, when the foundation is destroyed, what can the righteous do, he can start all over again, all those celebrating 50 years of marriage have too many tales to talk about.
3) Both of them must sit down and discuss, what is it that led to that act of infidelity, and if he had ever cheated on her too, let him use that opportunity and confess too, most men can't take it but they do it regularly to their wives.
4) Both them should take a decision to remain committed to the marriage, renew their vows, marriage is two becoming one, not master slave relationship.
5) From now on, let him begin to support all her endeavours, most times, do things together, so many husbands and wives are too far apart.

Lastly the deeds has been done already, and the woman is regretful, sending her away or marrying another woman would not solve it, there is no marriage without downsides, we learn to carry our crosses and make our marriage better, sweeter and glorious. This is big opportunity to start again and get it right. He should remember nobody is above mistake, it could have been him too. God bless you

I hate to be bearer of bad news but he cannot. No allow this people deceive you at all.
The fact that he could not resist telling you (it was not a mistake he did it on purpose) shows how badly he has been hurt.
He was trying to ease his pain.
Winter has come for that marriage mehn...

Fake story.

I tried to believe your story until I saw random google pictures.

A serious person would not go all the way searching for random pictures on google to justify a seemingly painful event.

Na so life be.

It's obvious your cousin really wants to forgive and wants things to work out. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.
Time however is a wonderful thing. It does heal all wounds, but as with all wounds there must be a scar.
Since he doesnt want her to leave, he has to make a conscious effort to forgive her.

Fkforyou:
I thought he begged you not to divulge his secret..? Or you think the internet is that anonymous?..

U could av jumped pass d thread,,,,dis is tale

Acidosis:
Fake story.

I tried to believe your story until I saw random google pictures.

A serious person would not go all the way searching for random pictures on google to justify a seemingly painful event.

U knw y I jxt liked ur comment?

I luv real comedians,,,,U are one

Thanks to you all,,,
Having considered all comments/advices given so far,I think he would get over it with the help of God.

God bless you all.

Hmmm...they may never move past it.

When a man cheats, because women have been conditioned that its a huge possibility in rel, it is easy for us to forgive, forget and never dwell on it.However, when a woman cheats and she's caught, it is super hard for a man to move past it. Even when he forgives her, he won't ever forget. He sees lies in her eyes, imagines another on top of her, imagines another deck in her mouth...you want me to go on? Yeah, it ain't easy man.

Just give him time...time is a good healer.

If he is a baddaass that won't mind some savage advice though...tell him to go cheat too. It is a lot easier for a cheat to deal with cheats. I swearit, she shouldn't blawdy mind

I feel sorry for the woman already... I'm not trying to justify what she did but trust is dead in that relationship.... If she says she was going to church, There's still gonna be that doubt somewhere creeping out of the man's heart...She won't even dream about passing the night outside her home because.....

Both of them should have gone to a therapist long time ago...With that, the man would have vented his anger and annoyance once and for all with the help of the therapist..he is still harbouring that betrayal of trust no matter how much she has forgiven her.... and it will always trigger if he doesn't seek for help..

coolcatty:
Hmmmmh

Big kudos to your cousin for even agreeing to live under the same roof with her..... I applaud him walahi... The guy try nobi small....... I for sure won't even stay under the same roof with her or have anything to do with her..... I detest a cheating wife..... I prefer my wife has a foul mouth(all women do sha).... I will gladly forgive my wife if she tries to poison or kill me and I survive than a woman cheating on me...

The marriage should be dissolved for the sake of the man's sanity..... It can never be repaired.... Let that man not use frustration and anger and kill the woman in her sleep...... Ask your cousin (or even u, I suspect u r the man) to take a walk... He can never heal.

Did u say he can never heal? What if it were to be the man that cheated!! Everyone will be telling the woman to forgive and forget.

Op cousin has to forgive and forget by force ni oo

Things like these are like wounds. Some will heal some will never heal. Even those that heal will definitely leave a scar behind. He may try separation from her for sometime, it may help

sisisioge:
Hmmm...they may never move past it.

When a man cheats, because women have been conditioned that its a huge possibility in rel, it is easy for us to forgive, forget and never dwell on it.However, when a woman cheats and she's caught, it is super hard for a man to move past it. Even when he forgives her, he won't ever forget. He sees lies in her eyes, imagines another on top of her, imagines another deck in her mouth...you want me to go on? Yeah, it ain't easy man.

Just give him time...time is a good healer.

If he is a baddaass that won't mind some savage advice though...tell him to go cheat too. It is a lot easier for a cheat to deal with cheats. I swearit, she shouldn't blawdy mind

Women see and imagine all these things too. Women don't ever forget. It's only societal conditioning that makes them appear more forgiving.

It's that same societal conditioning that make men think it's unforgivable when their wife cheats. Both gender feel same pain...

sisisioge:
Hmmm...they may never move past it.

When a man cheats, because women have been conditioned that its a huge possibility in rel, it is easy for us to forgive, forget and never dwell on it.However, when a woman cheats and she's caught, it is super hard for a man to move past it. Even when he forgives her, he won't ever forget. He sees lies in her eyes, imagines another on top of her, imagines another deck in her mouth...you want me to go on? Yeah, it ain't easy man.

Just give him time...time is a good healer.

If he is a baddaass that won't mind some savage advice though...tell him to go cheat too. It is a lot easier for a cheat to deal with cheats. I swearit, she shouldn't blawdy mind

See advice o, tell him to go cheat too. OK o

jhudit:



Women see and imagine all these things too. Women don't ever forget. It's only societal conditioning that makes them appear more forgiving.

It's that same societal conditioning that ma men think it's unforgivable when their wife cheats. Both gender feel same pain...

Its not any societal conditioning, it is pure ego, most cheats and egocentric men can't take it when their wives cheat. All these sexual Imaginations are being magnified and become personified in our lives thereby leading to cheating, that is why sex with only your interior spouse is what God permits.

I feel you.
From experience, I have come to know that at times some bad things happen just for us to be exposed to some issues we have been overlooking. If we can adequately read the situation we can come out of it better and our families will be better for it.
For a marriage to last, we must learn to forgive. It is a currency desperately needed to make our marriage work

Furthermore, We also need to objectively look at the situation and see what actually could have caused the affair, what role have You played to birth the affair. These are some of the questions we need to ask for find healing for ourselves.

At times we are allowed to marry twice. one part of our marriage might have ended. it is up to us to see if we want to start another marriage with the same person again.

Forgive and forget are two different things. Forgiveness could be immediate but forgetting comes with time. It depends on how soon we can get healing. There are days you will feel you are a fool for forgiving and there are other days that your imaginations will go wild thinking of how deep the affairs could have gone deep. " what was she doing with him when they are together, you will also feel you don't know if you can trust your partner anymore. This is very normal. However, you must be able to control your thoughts and speak more to your partner to get some clarifications. you don't have to be a detective but an investigator as to how your relationship can improve.

Solutions.
Speak to your spouse more as to what could have caused the affair.
Pray for healing for God.
Creat e boundary for your spouse.
Your spouse should break every link with the one with whom she was having an affair with.
Determine to forgive your wife.

I hope I have been able to help a little.
Thanks.

Korede

coolcatty:
Hmmmmh

Big kudos to your cousin for even agreeing to live under the same roof with her..... I applaud him walahi... The guy try nobi small....... I for sure won't even stay under the same roof with her or have anything to do with her..... I detest a cheating wife..... I prefer my wife has a foul mouth(all women do sha).... I will gladly forgive my wife if she tries to poison or kill me and I survive than a woman cheating on me...

The marriage should be dissolved for the sake of the man's sanity..... It can never be repaired.... Let that man not use frustration and anger and kill the woman in her sleep...... Ask your cousin (or even u, I suspect u r the man) to take a walk... He can never heal.

So true.

bjcole:
There are solutions around this, its an emotional issue, this is one of the crosses of marriage that so many don't wish for themselves, first and foremost for me, I have to forgive my wife of all sins in advanced, even the ones of tomorrow, I have forgiven already, that's the decision I took, its a spiritual decision any way. In your cousin's case, he has forgiven but he keeps referring to it, not just forgetting but referring to it during arguments. Let him do the following, for his sake and the sake of his family.

1) Reset and format all the past mistakes of his wife, including this act of infidelity
2) This is big opportunity to draw closer to God, when the foundation is destroyed, what can the righteous do, he can start all over again, all those celebrating 50 years of marriage have too many tales to talk about.
3) Both of them must sit down and discuss, what is it that led to that act of infidelity, and if he had ever cheated on her too, let him use that opportunity and confess too, most men can't take it but they do it regularly to their wives.
4) Both them should take a decision to remain committed to the marriage, renew their vows, marriage is two becoming one, not master slave relationship.
5) From now on, let him begin to support all her endeavours, most times, do things together, so many husbands and wives are too far apart.

Lastly the deeds has been done already, and the woman is regretful, sending her away or marrying another woman would not solve it, there is no marriage without downsides, we learn to carry our crosses and make our marriage better, sweeter and glorious. This is big opportunity to start again and get it right. He should remember nobody is above mistake, it could have been him too. God bless you