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Nigerian Men & African-American Women - Ethnic/Racial Politics - Nairaland

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Nigerian Men & African-American Women by Kenya(f): 9:36am On Jun 07, 2005
Dating a Nigerian man has defiantly been a different experience for me. I identify myself as being apart of the entire African culture. I understand because we are all separated in different parts of the world we have our unique cultures as Africans. I accept my friend as my brother because he is my brother firstly.

This is the first non African-american male I have dated. I'll tell you, my experience has got me being so open to the greater African culture and definitely the men. At times I'm afraid because I don't know for sure if I'm being taken advantage of because I don't have much knowledge of the culture and how the men are used to functioning with family life, women and just relationships. In general. I try be flexible and understanding and very open because I want to learn but I don't want to be mis-used or hurt.

I see myself as playing a role in closing the gaps between the differences, hate and more that we have of each other as African people. I want to learn more about the Nigerian culture to better understand my people and relationship from a non American way. Again I don't want to be insulted, disrespected or taken advantaged of.

Sometimes I feel as if I'm stuck in a hard place because of his view's on my specific culture. I understand his views but don't always agree because I understand my culture deeper than he does. There are definitely things within both of our culture's that conflict, yet there has got to be a way for it to work it self out. By no means am I a push over, I am still an African woman. Any suggestions?

And please I know that many people believe that each culture should mate with their own. I respect that completely, yet this is a choice that we made because we believe that we are one as African people.  I'm not asking that anyone agrees but only to respect the choice.
Re: Nigerian Men & African-American Women by dafman(m): 3:00pm On Jun 07, 2005
It's normal to go through such feelings considering the differences in culture and society each of you grew up in, but i believe with love all things work for good, even in nigeria intermarrying among the different cultures is still seen as wrong but with modernisation and as people get to know more about the other side things are beginning to change. The most important thing is to get to know his culture and things important in the society he grew up for example in most nigerian cultures it is seen as disrepectful if a man takes his- wife to be- to his parents and the girl stands up while greeting the parents instead of kneeling down, if he knows about your culture too both of you would be able to understand each other better.

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Re: Nigerian Men & African-American Women by Seun(m): 7:24pm On Jun 07, 2005
I wish you the best in your relationship with the Nigerian. Ultimately the success of your relationship depends on the two individuals and the culture is just one of those things you will need to deal with to achieve the happiness you seek. The personality of this man in particular is probably more important.

Welcome to Nairaland!
Re: Nigerian Men & African-American Women by Remedy(m): 8:19pm On Aug 08, 2005
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Re: Nigerian Men & African-American Women by Justmoi(f): 8:59pm On Aug 08, 2005
What exactly are his 'views on your specific culture?'
No culture is perfect. The two of you should be able to take the good from his culture as well as the good from your culture. Even in a situation where one culture is seen to have a negative aspect, it should be put across in a subtle way so as not to make the other person feel as if they are lacking in some way. IT'S ALL ABOUT CONSIDERATION AND UNDERSTANDING.
Re: Nigerian Men & African-American Women by Danasco(m): 1:17pm On Aug 10, 2005
[right]KENYA, you must have observed from this man that true Africans do not joke with their culture. They have core respect for their culture, cherish, adore and value it to extreme.
as Nigerians, we also differ in culture which amongs us we find difficult to understand too. A fulani man can never take a Yoruba woman home as a wife. this is a fact. where is this Nigeria man from? Were did he spent most part of his life? What was his upbringing like?

Which part of Nigeria is he from: North, south or east? These and other things will help you to arrive at his kind of person. Although, It depends on individual perception and belief.
Thank God u had a Nigerian
Re: Nigerian Men & African-American Women by nisha: 12:53am On Apr 11, 2006
I am an American female who has been dating a Nigerian guy for 3 years. I love him dearly, he treats me like no man has ever treated a woman. I didn't beleive a man could be this kind. Thats the great part. I don't know if its the fact that I am not use to a man being so possessive, thats the part I am not comfortable with. I tried talking to him and making him feel secure in our relationship, but he still thinks I want to be with another man. I have altered the way I dress, the places I hang out, and my friends to assure him that I want to be everything he wants me to be with out changing who I am. I am comfortable with myself and if I change who I am, I am not being real with myself, and it shows me that he does not accept me for who I am. When we go out, I pity the man who looks in my direction, he speaks his mind and will clown if tempted. I love him regardless, but is this something I should always expect because its their way of living or should I demand that he control his temper instead of trying to control me?
Re: Nigerian Men & African-American Women by curiousNja(f): 5:43am On Apr 12, 2006
^^^ There is a lot wrong with what you described and you know it. Do not accept this situation and it is unfortunate that you have to change a lot of yourself to make this relationship work. Yes, there is something like compromises but at this level, you are doing a complete change into something you are not. Maybe this is not the relationship for you. Just saying,
Re: Nigerian Men & African-American Women by BigSis(f): 8:18pm On Apr 12, 2006
Dear Sister,

Any relationship where you have to change yourself to fit someone eles' ideas is doomed for failure. You are not an African. You are an American of AFrican descent. We have our own culture and history. You should never give up who you are to be with someone. This man will eventually wear you down emotionally and mentally. I know it is hard when we think we love someone. We make excuses and rationalize. I know my words want change your feelings for him. But it appears that this relationship might lead to abuse. Don't let desperation or being alone keep you in a relationship that doesn't nurture your spirit.

By the way, is he a legal citizen?
Re: Nigerian Men & African-American Women by chinani(f): 11:12pm On Apr 18, 2006
I wouldn't recommend changing who you are. But what do you mean by possessive? undecided Care to describe.
Re: Nigerian Men & African-American Women by beefblaze(m): 6:30pm On Apr 21, 2006
lol
Re: Nigerian Men & African-American Women by joblo: 4:31pm On Apr 27, 2006
BigSis asked the right question -- what is his immigration status? If he does not already have a green card or citizenship, then he's obviously using you for your citizenship. He most likely doesn't even like American women. Once he gets his legal status, he drop you and get a proper Nigerian girl as his wife and bring her to America.
Re: Nigerian Men & African-American Women by jessilina(f): 4:47am On Jun 07, 2006
I AM ALL TO FAMILIAR WITH THE AFRICAN MALE AFRICAN-AMERICAN FEMALE RELATIONSHIP. BEING MARRIED TO AN AFRICAN MAN WAS THE MOST DEPRESSING SEVEN YEARS OF MY LIFE ONLY BECAUSE OF HIS POSSESSIVENESS AND HIM EXPECTING ME TO CONFORM TO HIS WAYS undecided.EVEN TAKING ME TO HIS COUNTRY ON TWO OCCASIONS SO THAT I CAN SEE THE DIFFERENCES IN THE CULTURES. NEEDLESS TO SAY, HE WAS A GOOD PROVIDER AND PRIDE HIMSELF IN CARING FOR HIS WIFE AND TWO SONS. MOST AFRICANS, BOTH MALE AND FEMALE HAVE THIS VIEW THAT THEY ARE BETTER THAN US AFRICAN AMERICANS BECAUSE THEY SAY WE ARE NOT "PURE" AFRICANS. WHERE THEY GET THEIR IDEOLOGY I'M NOT SURE. HOW CAN ANYONE CLAIM TO BE PURE? WE WERE ALL INVADED, BUT I GUESS THAT SHOULD BE ANOTHER TOPIC OF DISCUSSION smiley. MY ADVICE TO YOU IS BE CAREFUL. DON'T LET HIM ROB YOU OF YOUR IDENTITY. THAT'S WHAT MY EX TRIED TO DO TO ME AND HE ALMOST SUCCEEDED. IF HE REALLY LOVES YOU HE WILL RESPECT YOUR CULTURE AND WHO YOU ARE. AFRICAN MEN DO LOVE AND RESPECT AMERICAN WOMEN SO DON'T TALK TO AFRICAN WOMEN OF YOUR EXPERIENCES BECAUSE THEY ALSO HAVE THIS CRAZY VIEW THAT THE AFRICAN MAN DOESN'T REALLY LOVE THE AMERICAN WOMAN HE JUST WANTS TO USE HER. NOT TRUE! I BELIEVE IT'S JEALOUSY THAT MAKES THEM THINK THIS WAY. I WOULD LIKE TO LEAVE YOU WITH THIS QUOTE BY DR. SEUSS THAT YOU MAY OR MAY NOT BE FAMILIAR WITH. IT WILL TAKE YOU A LONG WAY IN LIFE. "BE WHO YOU ARE AND SAY WHAT YOU FEEL CAUSE THOSE WHO MINE DON'T MATTER, AND THOSE WHO MATTER DON'T MINE."

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Re: Nigerian Men & African-American Women by Sista(f): 3:08am On Aug 23, 2006
@ Jessilina


Jessilina, you gave an honest response. It is racist of black people to ever think that another black person is not pure, that is literally crazy.

In my experience Africans get this notion that black Americans are second class citizens in comparison to them, this is racist thinking.

At times I get the impression that they (Africans) put us in the same boat as white people. If the great flood was to happen and 1 African American woman was let standing with an African from any where in Africa, you think they are going to be thinking about what tribe they are from when it is time to repopulate? Hell no.

This thinking of separating black people is a waist of time. What we as black people are telling God is, we are not satisfied with what God has given us as Mothers, Fathers, Cousins Aunts, Uncles, Grandmothers and Grandfathers. We are telling God that what he has given us is not good enough. This jealousy and contempt we have for each other is against God. I would rather have a black man from any where than to settle for the complete opposite. No African or African American is going to tell me what kind of black man I can be with. It is already bad enough my ancestors had to be told and had to obey that they could not be with their black man. They already suffered that in order that I would not have to suffer that.
Re: Nigerian Men & African-American Women by iice(f): 4:45am On Aug 23, 2006
Hmmm Jessilina, i think why some africans think they are better than AA(borrowing from Drusilla) is because some AA give the impression that they are better than Africans because of the environment/culture they grew up in. . .it's tied to this notion of America the land of better opportunities. I have met a couple of African American men who believe that they have no ties to Africa and cannot even be bothered with the thought that all blacks come from Africa. But I have also met other AA men who instantly say 'o wow, from the motherland thats cool' and i take it as there will always be good and bad people, its life, get on, get with the program but never let a few color your views of the whole.
@nisha, girl you dont have to change yourself to suit someone becoz you will eventually loose who you are. If he is in love with you, its the You that made that possible because its You that made him fall in the first place (hope that makes sense)
Finally, i once had a bf who was really possessive, first time i confronted him, guess what came out my mouth? Dude you way too possessive, i don't like it and cannot be controlled, if you cant handle it, take a walk (harsh? hmmmm i have no problems talking when it aint working)
Re: Nigerian Men & African-American Women by jessilina(f): 6:04pm On Aug 23, 2006
This is for Sista, Iice and all the other young ladies who are in a relationship or marriage to an african male or african american male AND ARE NOW DIVORCED. Since last I posted, my ex husband met his untimely, unexpected death on 6-16-06. He was so young and full of life. But i feel for my son. What one may find out when a person dies unexpectedly , sometimes will not be SO pleasant. I mean this man had not only my son and i fooled but the rest of his family as well. He would always brag saying he had a college fund set-up for my son as well as him being his primary beneficiary on his insurance. AND TO MAKE THINGS WORSE, SAID HE HAD A HOME BUILT FOR HIM BACK IN NIGERIA, well this was all i fLat out LIE!!!!!!!Nothing was left for my son, just suvivOrs benefits which he will only receive for one year. This truly sucks!!!! Ladies just make sure if your ex have remarried he set up a trust for all his children with you because the new wife will get everything and your children will get nothing. Make sure you know all there is to know about this guy. especially the AFRICAN GUY!!!!.
Re: Nigerian Men & African-American Women by BigSis(f): 11:45pm On Aug 23, 2006
Again, I would advised Black American women to only consider African men who are progressive and Americanized.  This culture they like to brag about is often repressive, backward, and abusive.  It is nothing to brag about.  Women in their various cultures generally are treated very, very badly.  They are basically for sexing, baby making, house stuff.  They have very few rights and privelges.  The men rule the roost, and mostly, very badly.

Don't let him lay that African culture on you.  If he doesn't have his papers, you would be thoroughly used and abused.  Many of these guys are some serious predators, with absolutely no conscience or integrity.  They will do anything.  I mean anything, that includes treating you royally, until they get what they want.

The first sign is to control you emotionally and mentally.  He wants you invested in his emotionally, so it will be more difficult for you to dump him.  Yeah, he will treat you extremely well.  That is all part of the "SCAM."  Emotional entrapment.  Anytime, a man wants to change you and limit your association with your friends, you are in trouble.  He wants to isolate you.  So he effectively control you.  Girl don't fall for this game.  I would also check my credit report regularly to make sure nothing odd is going on.  Be mindful of female relatives coming to visit.  The wives and the girlfriends back home are often all in the scam.  They will come to house and eat your food, sex your man in your house, and smile in your face.  He pretends she is his sista or a female relative.

Please never allow someone to alter who  you are to be with them.  You will so sorry. When gets through dragging you over the coals, you will be a mental case. I really don't want you to go through that kind of pain. You will never be the same.

In addition, I can't fathom why Black Americans would be concern with what Africans think about them.  They absolutely in no position to bad mouth or  judge anyone.  These guys can ruin your life, and will have no qualms about it.

If he doesn't have his papers, you are about to be screwed royally.  You don't have to be sucker. 

I am waiting patiently for the hate mail. 

Mamaput,

I know there are a few good one, but my experience, is they are far and in between.  Even if you find one who isn't trying to con you, who really cares for you, there are other issues.
Re: Nigerian Men & African-American Women by mamaput(f): 11:50pm On Aug 23, 2006
You are getting non from me,
What you said is very true BUT it dose not go for all men.
Question how can we id the few good ones,
Re: Nigerian Men & African-American Women by Maat: 5:52am On Aug 24, 2006
@ Bigsis


I feel bad for the African man, how he has to lie cheat and scheme Black women and white women in America. He is prostituting his self in a way but he is not getting money from these women instead he is getting his papers. Black American men do these things to but the economy in Africa is different than here in America so the Black man in Americas reasons for doing what he does is not for the same reason the African man does what he does.

It just seems like the African man is more pitiful because he has to leave home like some Traveling salesman to do his dirt. Now you know things must be bad if he got to go to a whole different part of the world to scam, LOL

You mean to tell me he ran out of scams in his homeland
Re: Nigerian Men & African-American Women by chinani(f): 6:46am On Aug 24, 2006
BigSis: you know I read your last post in its entirety before I realized that you were referring to African -- not African American men -- my confusion should tell you something.

Since I'm no fan of mystery I will say that my confusion says (implies or what have you) that the behaviors you described are not limited to African men, Black men or any other "race" of man.

It's sad that you have to dog out my brother b/c you had a bad experience. . .it saddens me. Yet & still I'm thinking you've appointed yourself a whistle blower or muckracker of sorts. More grease to your elbows. But if that's your deal learn more shiit to say. . .

I'm sorry for your pain. But maybe you should get out more. It'll give you a broader view of life & our shared humanity.
Re: Nigerian Men & African-American Women by mamaput(f): 9:10am On Aug 24, 2006
I feel bad for the African man, how he has to lie cheat and scheme Black women and white women in America. He is prostituting his self in a way but he is not getting money from these women instead he is getting his papers.

Worse he is stealing their time. and time is not replaceable.Time they would have used to find a useful man
Re: Nigerian Men & African-American Women by TaniCarr(f): 10:38am On Aug 24, 2006
deleted
Re: Nigerian Men & African-American Women by BigSis(f): 11:15pm On Aug 24, 2006
Tani,

Professing religion will not deter such people.

Others,

Say what you will. But I will speak out about this to my sistahs. Now if they refuse to listen, then they deserve whatever they get.
Re: Nigerian Men & African-American Women by chinani(f): 12:02am On Aug 25, 2006
BigSis, did you have children w/ you ex-Nigerian man? Are you're children allowed to marry Nigerians/Africans??
[center]~just being noisy. . .[/center]
Re: Nigerian Men & African-American Women by Akinagirl(f): 8:51am On Aug 25, 2006
hello guys i have been reading your posts and i am currently dating a Nigerian man. he is very kind and not controlling. I hear some vet good advice out there and what to look out for and i appreciate this. However he is the first African man i ever dated and so i really don't know hwat to expect. But what i do know about him is that he has his papers because i have seen them he has showed them to me. So i know he is not after that. He is also looking out for my well bieng, he helps me with what i need when i need it. He is very caring and he claims to love me, and i him. We have been seeing each other for almost seven months and i trust him,  but i keep hearing other peoples dtories and views and i don't want to get hurt. There is a 7 year difference b/t us. i am 19 going on 20 and he is 27, he will be 28 soon. So i brought him to my family and they all say that he really doesnt look his age. and say that he looks like he is in his mid 30's i don't know wheather this is a concern or not. but he has not lied to me in the past so i don't know. I am trying to learn more about the African culture and i want to get to know him better. But if there is any advice (good advice) out there for me i am all ears!
Re: Nigerian Men & African-American Women by Catcat: 4:26pm On Aug 26, 2006
How about an American-raised NYC man of Nigerian descent who has travelled a lot to his family home in Nigeria and who has been very actively pursuing me, a white American woman? I have been totally stumped by his treatment of me in certain respects, and wonder if this is a function of his culture, his attitude toward white women or just mis-communications? When someone is so fiercely pursuing me, then acts like it is normal to not call me for days at a time, expects me to pay for certain things and not others, gives me a kiss at HIS door, rather than bringing me home to mine, and then is stunned to see that I am not interested anymore in dating him, tells me its all in MY mind, when I feel like I've been slapped in the face over and over,
Is there a normal Nigerian male attitude of disrespect to women? Or is it because I'm white? Or is this just his individually-constructed attitude to me?
I am so confused by his attitudes I have broken up with him - yesterday. I've NEVER been treated the way he thinks is NORMAL treatment!!! (PS He is the first African-American I've dated)
Re: Nigerian Men & African-American Women by GNature(m): 6:09pm On Aug 26, 2006
Akinagirl

Just because the gentlman is being nice to you doesn't mean you have to worry. I am a Nigerian guy
and I will do the samething that gentleman is doing for you. This applies to any
woman I go out with. One of my close friends is married to an African American lady, they were college sweet hearts
and have been happilly married now for 6 years (with 1 child).

The only cause of worry would be if he doesn't have his papers; he could also be so nice to you for this reason.
Other than that, you have nothing to worry about. Look out for yourself the same way you would look out
if you were dating any other man.

Catcat

The guy is acting like a weirdo, it has nothing to do with his nigerian heritage. Just part ways with him
Re: Nigerian Men & African-American Women by Catcat: 6:28pm On Aug 26, 2006
I guess I am wondering about the gender attitudes that seem to be coming from him. Is this a Nigerian/Nigerian-raised attitude toward women? Are women respected by Nigerian men? Am I supposed to be "kissing the ground he walks on" just because he is male? Is that what he is expecting of me? He acts very determined to be with me, and then acts like he could care less how I feel about anything -

I guess at the very least, if my man realizes he has upset me in some way, I expect him to say, sorry, what did I do? NOT, everything is in your head and you are wrong to be upset. There seems to be no caring or curiosity that I am upset except for the fact I just shouldn't be,

PS He is amazingly handsome, but I am a former model - not someone who sits and waits a lifetime for someone to be attracted to me, which, were that the case, his attitude MIGHT be understandable just simply in an attractiveness-difference measure. Maybe because he is so attractive, women have just done whatever for him in the past just to be with him? Or, again, is his attitude a typically Nigerian/Nigerian raised male-female attitude??
Re: Nigerian Men & African-American Women by GNature(m): 6:47pm On Aug 26, 2006
Catcat

I am a Nigerian guy and don't expect a woman to worship the ground I walk on. Like
I said, that is how he is as a person. Some men, not necessarily nigerian, have the
same attitude as his.

It is very possible that he is used to being this way in previous relationships, but clearly,
that wouldn't work with you. So, move on stay blessed.
Re: Nigerian Men & African-American Women by twinkledew(f): 7:03pm On Aug 26, 2006
@ Nisha
He is just a jealous dude. i do not think it has to do with where he comes from. but hey what do i really know about Nigerian dudes
Re: Nigerian Men & African-American Women by Catcat: 7:08pm On Aug 26, 2006
GNature-
Thank you for your input, I do feel that I made the right decision to tell him I don't think this will work at all.   I am only sad because I think we might have been something really great together but the more we got to know each other the more I realized our basic definitions of respect and caring were totally different.
Thank you for telling me this is not a typically Nigerian-male attitude toward women, and it is just him being an individual who doesn't understand women.  I would hate to think his behavior was normal to a culture.
I have grown up with the belief that men and women are equals, and each gender's concerns, desires, goals, feelings and beliefs are just as important as the other's.
Re: Nigerian Men & African-American Women by twinkledew(f): 7:19pm On Aug 26, 2006
i think some of you are taking this topic to another level. some stuffs that might have happened to u might be because u did not meet the right person. the way u portray yourself enable people to treat you that way. it really sounds lame when people are being generalized. things happens everywhere.

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