1.
How come the posters reveal both the entire cast, the plot and the storyline of each movie?

For example, you see RMD with a tattered pair of suit and a portfolio, and next you see him beside a babalewo, and next his wife is lying dead on the bed, and then there’s RMD again spreading proudly in front of a brand new Hummer jeep.
Doesn’t the poster tell the whole story? That RMD was once a poor jobless man roaming round town frustrated in search of a job till he meets his good old friend Bob Manuel Udoku (who by the way makes a cameo appearance on the same poster), who then takes him to the native doctor (who happens to be the easiest jerk to recognize from the grassy costume and painted face on the same poster) and then it aint really hard to tell whom he used to get how much from the dead wife on the picture to the brand new hummer truck he suddenly owns? Haba! No offense to RMD and Bob Manuel but can they swear to the fact that they have never performed such mediocre roles in that stupendious Nollywood?
Thank God for RMD’s recent appointment. And I pray Bob Manuel gets a REAL job!

2.
How Come Every Time A Car Hits A slowpoke On The Highway, The Windshield Never Cracks Or Breaks?

I don’t get this one. Nine out of every ten dumb home videos have an accident scene. But if the view of the driver’s dumbstruck face to his ironic slow speed isn’t enough to send you gaga, how come every time the slowpoke he hits (whom by the way is most likely to be an innocent good guy) acrobatically flies unto the windshield by the impact, the windshield actually never breaks? Or never even sprouts a single crack?
Jeez…

3.
How Come The Only Thing You Hear In Every Movie’s Advertisement Is Thunder?


This one is a howler. Need I illustrate?
Ok.
If you argue that their adverts aren’t more thrilling than the movies themselves, why is it that the adverts of almost every home video is characterized by thundering sounds? And why are these thunders recurrent after each name or sentence?
For example: “Taboo(Movie title), GBAO! Taboo, GBAO, come see when two people decide to break the order of the gods because of love, GBAO! Starring Ramsey Noah, GBAO, Genevieve Nnaji, GBAO, Clem ohameze, GBAO, Kanayo O Kanayo GBAO….”
Paradoxically idiotic!!

4.
Why Is It That The Actor And His/Her Mother Never Agrees On The Actors Choice Of Husband/Wife?



Swear on your life that you have never observed this scene and you’ve already lied. Before the average Nigerian lives his entire life and dies, he will witness this never ending plot where the lead character’s mother or father in a low budget Nollywood movie puts his foot down and says; “Over my dead body. You will never marry that man. God forbid. Tufiakwa!!”. This scene is never ending. Why in the world cant they ever agree on who their son or daughter wants to marry for heaven’s sake?
When have you ever seen Julia Roberts ague with Judy foster because she wants to Marry Richard Gere but her mother Judy wants her to marry Wesley Snipes? When?
Are Home Video producers too dumb to know that this plot has been over flogged?
They need deliverance from Acute Dullness.


5.
If The Movie Is Shot in A Village Scenario, How Come The Only Thing The Actor And The Boss Fight about Is LAND?

Need I elaborate much?
Actor 1: “Aguyi, Aguyi, leave that land alone. Have I not warned you not to farm there again, Aguyi? Is it trouble that you are seeking for Aguyi?”
Actor 2: ‘Ignatus, Ignatus, Ignatus!!! How many times did I call you? Everybody in Ulofia Kingdom knows that my father inherited that land from his fore fathers before him. And as his true son, my father passed it on to me before he died. How has it now become your land Ignatus?’
Amazingly, no one is wise enough to produce the needed documentation to show true proof of ownership of the land and end the movie quick enough. Instead, one of the two morons (most likely the one saddled with the role of the bad guy) snaps his finger at the other and threatens; “you will see” which invariably means someone will visit a babalewo and someone else will die before the truth is revealed by a much more dumber sequence of events.
May God intervene on behalf of Nigerian script writers,


6.
How Come Your Face Determines What Role You Get To Play?



Simply put, if you are handsome, you get to play the role of the victimized loverboy. See Van Viker for further details. If you are bearded and ugly you are most likely to be the wicked village chief or the occult leader or better still the land thief? Maybe Pete Edochie can answer that question. Why are the half caste girls or the big buddied ones like Mercy Johnson or Ini odo (pardon me if I get the spelling wrong, its been ages I last saw them) the ones who are chased by two shameless men? And oh, if you are old and spot a few wrinkles you are either the drunken village elder or better still the wretched Babalewo? Fear nor go let me call names here. I am not Ruggedman,
How come if you look stupid like Ebvu or Sam Loco Efe, you get to be the lead in a ‘comedy’? Haven’t we seen Robert Deniro, serious as he looks, act a funny role in a well acted comedy like Meet The Parents? Or Sylvester Stallone make us laugh in the humorous movie Oscar?
Oh please,



7.
Who Arranges The Props?



Who on earth does for these movies?
How can Omotala be wearing a black all-back weave-on now and when they say ‘Ten Years Later’, she is still wearing the same black all-back weave on? In some rare horrendous cases how come she’s still spotted in one of the same costumes she was spotted with ten years ago in that movie? Have you ever carried your hairdo for straight ten years? Will the smell and lice not kill you in two years?
And how come when a kid grows up to be an adult in the same movie he looks nothing like what he used to when he was a child? Like a yellow cute boy can actually grow up to become Victor Asiegbu; black and ugly as that is. How come artificial beards look like gorilla furs on the faces of actors?
And most amazingly, how come in a shoot-out scene, say between the police and a couple of shameless men disguising as armed robbers, how is it that when they are engaged in heated gun fire exchange in say maybe a building, not a single glass breaks under the raid of bullets? How come the sounds of the shots fired never seem to tally with “fire” that comes out of these guns? Who are they fooling? You?
How come head shots never exit the back of the heads of people fired at? How come the easiest way to suicide is the blunt kitchen knife? How come, The list is endless!





THIS IS A FACT:
Home video children are found to be amongst the dullest in academic institutions. please abstain from exposing your children to them.
What happened to the days of sesame street, voltron, superman, kidivision 101, footsteps and tales by moonlight that we were raised on?
Where did it all go wrong? to show the impact of these stupid movies, the Virginity rate in the country has decreased. nobody learns anything from them.
i pray they pass a bill to ban them or at least have a censor board that can take the whacked ones out of circulation. which might be all of them!!!!
Im out.
Ciao.

LMFAO. . . . . . . . nothing makes sense in Nollywood!!!!

[b][/b] Absolutely right.

Well that is Nollywood for you. They need to improve really fast but i doubt if they would

Nollywood

na so we see am my bro.You have opened their yansh

home video,

fake product from basically brain dead editors, they just dnt know when and wat to cut off. try watchin a kissin scene, ewwwwwwwwwww.dogs would do better wit all d slobbering.

have u watched d so called 'epics' where women have 'shaped and lined' eyebrows and men spotted razor sharp teddies?

simple thing, NOBODY pays attention to details, shikena!

my take,if u can do it well dont show it at all.

p.s

"dis is just d beginnin of d story, watch out for part x"

TO GOD BE THE GLORY.

jeez!!!!!!!!!

I think the title of the thread should be something else rather than the one you have chosen.

Two words low budget, it's the same everywhere in the world, just watch any movie made by Asylum films in America. . .even worse than Nollywood. When you make a movie with chicken change you get poor results. . .and even if a rich Nigerian producer spent 500 million dollars to make a blockbuster, people would still complain and call it a waste of money considering the economic status of the country. People should support the industry, afterall it's the third largest in the world.

LMFAO!!! @ it's magical how the windshield never cracks, huh?
Fighting for land! So true!!

Dolemite:

even if a rich Nigerian producer spent 500 million dollars to make a blockbuster, people would still complain and call it a waste of money considering the economic status of the country. People should support the industry, afterall it's the third largest in the world.

there are many blockbuster from Hollywood that are pure crap!!!!!the catch is that there equally a great amount of GOOD ones.

to make a "good" movie worth mentioning (talk less of a great movie) you first need a director that knows his job, a great story (sometimes great directors can make crap stories turn great) and the right cast/crew to say the least.
i think that people should first stop listening to this nonsense "3rd largest industry" because its the lie that keeps people deceiving themselves.
look at what you wrote, like this industry is great one while we all know that there are dozens of movie industry around the world that are ten times better than this Nollywood crap.
here is a photo that summons it all:

MRbrownJAY:

there are many blockbuster from Hollywood that are pure crap!!!!!the catch is that there equally a great amount of GOOD ones.

to make a "good" movie worth mentioning (talk less of a great movie) you first need a director that knows his job, a great story (sometimes great directors can make crap stories turn great) and the right cast/crew to say the least.
i think that people should first stop listening to this nonsense "3rd largest industry" because its the lie that keeps people deceiving themselves.
look at what you wrote, like this industry is great one while we all know that there are dozens of movie industry around the world that are ten times better than this Nollywood crap.
here is a photo that summons it all:

@MRbrownJAY
As the saying goes "A picture is worth a thousand words". That picture best describes the situation in crappy Nollywood.
_{I still like fat people o.}

IamDemi:



[b]3.
How Come The Only Thing You Hear In Every Movie’s Advertisement Is Thunder?


This one is a howler. Need I illustrate?
Ok.
If you argue that their adverts aren’t more thrilling than the movies themselves, why is it that the adverts of almost every home video is characterized by thundering sounds? And why are these thunders recurrent after each name or sentence?
For example: “Taboo(Movie title), GBAO! Taboo, GBAO, come see when two people decide to break the order of the gods because of love, GBAO! Starring Ramsey Noah, GBAO, Genevieve Nnaji, GBAO, Clem ohameze, GBAO, Kanayo O Kanayo GBAO….”
Paradoxically idiotic!!
[b]

Now this is hilarious 

Nollywood no dey try at all.I no give them kudos at all cos them dey make me vex,

we have some very good actors and actresses,but wrong scripting, poor acting skills, trashy prop-settings, mediocre lighting, stinky make up, horrible sound and of course poor marketing.

we make our movies with toy camcorders and rush into marketing them.

take actors like: zach orgy,RMD,alex usifo,justus esiri,majid mike,oge okoye,tonto dike,ngozi ezeonu, chinedu ikedzie they should be indicted in the hall of fame because they act so nicely, they have what it takes to be the best in the world; but when they play in a movie directed by chico ejiro or kenneth nnebue or damian moses and produced by emmalex enterprise or great movies industries; you know it is crap on crap.



on the other hand,take the likes of crappy baffoons like patience ozokwor,stephanie okereke,stella damass-cus,emeka ike,segun arinzo,ini edo ,muna obiekwe,desmond elliot,mercy johnson,and a few other lunatics oh boy,let the farting begin. ( they are nice people in real life but they dont belong to the movie bizz)

if i could only speak to the movie producers/actors i would simply tell them:

- first,be yourself, dont make your movies as if you have something to proove;( accent,wealth,houses,religion,traditions,love,); we dont feel you.

second- be relevant and simplistic in your movies; we want to relate to you but you make it so hard for us to respect and admire you.

third-take your time to red,re-read your lines;take time in post production to study your material and decide if it is worth marketing. we dont want to load our houses with you shiits.

since when did the name zack orrgy become zack sin assembly? i did not type that.?

eddy1977:

since when did the name zack orrgy become zack sin assembly? i did not type that.?

welcome to NL, man!!!!!
the n a k e d truth will turn into the naked truth
the sweet t h r e e s o m e will turn into the sweet party
the biggest o r g a s m will turn into t[b]he biggest orgasm.[/b]

eddy1977:

since when did the name zack orrgy become  zack sin assembly?  i did not type that.?

Chei!  Nairaland English Correction system in action. 

eddy1977:

since when did the name zack orrgy become zack sin assembly? i did not type that.?

OMG U HAVE MADE ME LAUGH OUT LOUD IN THIS LIBRARY!!LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL

NL NO GO KILL ME!!

There are plenty of things contributing to these NOLLYWOOD rubish

1)Lack of Governmental Support,
2)Time Restiction,
3)Marketing Control , the marketers dictates to the producer
4)[b]Incompetency of producer & Directors
5)Editing, Producers wants to edit a movie in one week
6)[b]Dubious Maketers


Shooting a movie still bORES down to 'how you can distribute effectively' but marketers are not helpin the issue atall.

is camera phone they use to record now

How Come The Only Thing You Hear In Every Movie’s Advertisement Is Thunder?


This one is a howler. Need I illustrate?
Ok.
If you argue that their adverts aren’t more thrilling than the movies themselves, why is it that the adverts of almost every home video is characterized by thundering sounds? And why are these thunders recurrent after each name or sentence?
For example: “Taboo(Movie title), GBAO! Taboo, GBAO, come see when two people decide to break the order of the gods because of love, GBAO! Starring Ramsey Noah, GBAO, Genevieve Nnaji, GBAO, Clem ohameze, GBAO, Kanayo O Kanayo GBAO….”
Paradoxically idiotic!!

rotflmaoooooooooo!!! this still cracks me up

Dolemite:

Two words low budget, it's the same everywhere in the world, just watch any movie made by Asylum films in America. . .even worse than Nollywood. When you make a movie with chicken change you get poor results. . .and even if a rich Nigerian producer spent 500 million dollars to make a blockbuster, people would still complain and call it a waste of money considering the economic status of the country. People should support the industry, afterall it's the third largest in the world.

budget isnt the problem in nollywood mediocrity is the problem,when you have alaba traders trying to produce movies off the assembly line then this is what you get.
tunde kelani movies dont break the bank yet every single one has been a block buster by nigerian standards.
the fat ibo lady as well,forgotten her name is also an awesome producer.
a good script,dedicated actors and an awesome director will do the magic google how many b movies in hollywood made it to the best seller list,same as some south african movies, nigerian producers have an edge over the rest of africa because they have the potential to reach 150 million viewers

as much as we think nollywood is crap! its still the 2nd biggest film industry!

im sure if it was managed better it will be the 1st!

so as much as u dont appreciate ur own

others do!