Processor01:
So much negativity and bitterness from some people here that seem to be in a bad marriage.

My advise, tell your story and let others tell theirs. If marriage is so unbearable then do the needful and exit the union!

I really don't have respect for people that speak ill about something and still sit tight in it.

This is how young ones are sold a poor mindset going into marriage to increase the fellowship of 'bitter wives/husbands'. People, BE WISE.

Actually it's those selling the mindset that marriage is a romantic bed of roses that are being unfair. Nobody actually understands how much work one has to put into it untill you get there. Pretending that it's somehow a life of happily ever after is why young people go into marriage with so much expectation, leading to failure.

Telling it as it is not 'bitterness' or 'negativity'.

All we are saying is for people not to expect too much from their spouses. You have to find happiness in yourself first and only the can you find it within your marriage.

UjuJoan2:


Actually it's those selling the mindset that marriage is a romantic bed of roses that are being unfair. Nobody actually understands how much work one has to put into it untill you get there. Pretending that it's somehow a life of happily ever after is why young people go into marriage with so much expectation, leading to failure.

Telling it as it is not 'bitterness' or 'negativity'.

All we are saying is for people not to expect too much from their spouses. You have to find happiness in yourself first and only the can you find it within your marriage.

Ignore him. The thread says challenges _challenges are bitter. The bitterness is what the thread is about, not bed of roses stories

belladsweet:
Please i would love to learn from the bolded...Pls can explain the bolded? Thanks ma'am

Let me summarise it .
I married into a large family, (un)fortunately, my husband happens to be the pillar of the home. I'm talking of a family of 10, that's inclusive of 4 he trained. You can imagine what that did to our finances. Knowing finance is deal breaker in marriage, you can also imagine what it did to our marriage. So many times he put their interest before ours and I didn't find that funny.

I also have a FIL who thought it's cool to insult me on phone and in person _well, he got away with it severally, till he insulted my mum.

If you are marrying a man who is his family's source of income, be prepared. Most times, they'll fight you before you even step your foot in.

LewsTherin:


Well you knowwhat they say, to each his own. Or in your case, her own.

But I will tell you one thing. It is not hard work. It is just choosing to be concerned about someone else as much as you are about yourself. Someone you loveor choose to love. The accompanying peace and happiness definitely makes up for the applied effort. By far.

And I agree. . . .

But what if it's not enough. The whole concern and love you show to your spouse? What if it's not enough to make her happy? What if what truly makes her happy is being selfish and not having to make those sacrifices?

Would that make her a bad wife to you? Would you be any less happier than you are right now?

Isn't love about accepting people just the way they are and dealing with their short comings?

So when I'm selfish and aloof, I expect the man who claims to love me to deal with it. I really do not expect him to force me to be someone else.

For instance, my husband is extremely lazy with chores and wouldn't cook even if you put a gun to his head. Would I love to have a husband who would make breakfast while I get the kids ready for school? Of course! Do I think less of him for not being that guy? Not at all, and I would never trade him for the world.

Same with me, I am not a romantic wife and I know it. I forget his birthdays and our anniversary and don't always remember to leave his dinner out for him or even bother to stay up for him to get home. I argue a lot and don't believe in the man being the head of the home thing. . . But I don't for a second doubt his love and devotion to me and I know he wouldn't trade me too.

I'm also not naive enough to think my world would stop if he leaves me and I don't believe being married to him is the best thing to ever happen to me. We are happy because we chose be, irrespective of what the other person does or doesnt do.

Processor01:
So much negativity and bitterness from some people here that seem to be in a bad marriage.

My advise, tell your story and let others tell theirs. If marriage is so unbearable then do the needful and exit the union!
I really don't have respect for people that speak ill about something and still sit tight in it.

This is how young ones are sold a poor mindset going into marriage to increase the fellowship of 'bitter wives/husbands'. People, BE WISE.

Do not get it wrong. This thread is about challenges in marriage!

KanwuliaExtra:




In AFRICA, you rarely find a marriage that is genuine.
.

The above statement is pure fallacy. Fallacy of generalization
The word rare is a very strong statement. Genuine marriages in Africa is plentiful. You need to reboot your sequence of reasoning and hasty conclusion. It's very faulty

UjuJoan2:


And I agree. . . .

But what if it's not enough. The whole concern and love you show to your spouse? What if it's not enough to make her happy? What if what truly makes her happy is being selfish and not having to make those sacrifices?

Would that make her a bad wife to you? Would you be any less happier than you are right now?

Isn't love about accepting people just the way they are and dealing with their short comings?

So when I'm selfish and aloof, I expect the man who claims to love me to deal with it. I really do not expect him to force me to be someone else.

For instance, my husband is extremely lazy with chores and wouldn't cook even if you put a gun to his head. Would I love to have a husband who would make breakfast while I get the kids ready for school? Of course! Do I think less of him for not being that guy? Not at all, and I would never trade him for the world.

Same with me, I am not a romantic wife and I know it. I forget his birthdays and our anniversary and don't always remember to leave his dinner out for him or even bother to stay up for him to get home. I argue a lot and don't believe in the man being the head of the home thing. . . But I don't for a second doubt his love and devotion to me and I know he wouldn't trade me too.

I'm also not naive enough to think my world would stop if he leaves me and I don't believe being married to him is the best thing to ever happen to me. We are happy because we chose be, irrespective of what the other person does or doesnt do.

hmm

A lot of negativity here does not portray what marriage really is.
No matter how you look at it, marriage is a beautiful institution. And every marriage must face challenges and difficulty, it is the ability to face such challenges and conquer them is what makes it really beautiful.
There is no formular for a successful marriage, what rocks your boat might wreck my boat. the way family A solved their challenges might not work for family B. Couples need to be able to confront their challenges instead of looking for an easy way out. Unless the foundation on which the marriages was built is full of deceit and lies. We live in a generation where people would prefer to discard a dress than mend, it has become applicable in how we live our lives. My parents are my mentor, married for forty years and still rocking marriage happily.
Courtship is very important before marriage. It gives you a clue of what to expect if both parties are genuine without pretense.
I used to club and party like hell, before I got married but my wife didn't like it, I promised to stop, three years down in marriage, I have never clubbed, I kept to my word. We club to gather if we feel in a party mood. Respecting the agreement before marriage is a key to a successful marriage.

kingdenny:

The above statement is pure fallacy. Fallacy of generalization
The word rare is a very strong statement. Genuine marriages in Africa is plentiful. You need to reboot your sequence of reasoning and hasty conclusion. It's very faulty

Na my opinion o.
Nor vess abeg.

jaszplus12:

you're right dear...everything you have said is right! but it's in your head!!!
now question: have you ever been married? are you married to a man who believes you're just his furniture? something made you "find yourself"! if it's someone else's experience then you must go into the woods first before crying wolf!

you're a slave to your ideas too cos its chained you to believe that others are slaves to their own ideas!!

You are so immature in your responses you think or feel we all have to sing the same tunes.

When you read opinions, you either agree or disagree. No need for angst or venom. Stop sounding like a “bully”. It is not necessary.

*some IDs and their M.O.s never change*


We don’t have to agree, so I don’t know where all your bile is coming from. No need to prove anything to me. I don’t have to prove anything to you either. Just state your opinions and MOVE DA HELL ON!
Simple.

This is an OPEN TOPIC. No need to get personal.

Stop jumping all over my posts.
Thanks!

Acidosis:


Caracta, HML

Thanks

1miccza:


How have u been?? You must be mad at me right now .

Nah.

quite an interesting thread. @ UjuJoan2 so you finally got married and from your post you ain't happy in your marriage.

oloyede252:
quite an interesting thread. @ UjuJoan2 so you finally got married and from your post you ain't happy in your marriage.

Just wondering how you got that from my posts?

And who the hell you are

UjuJoan2:




Just wondering how you got that from my posts?

And who the hell you are

looking at all your post on this thread it's quite easy to figure that out. it's more like you married for the sake of the society and not really your preferred choice.


who Am I? oloyede,

oloyede252:

looking at all your post on this thread it's quite easy to figure that out. it's more like you married for the sake of the society and not really your preferred choice.


who Am I? oloyede,

Really? You didn't see from my first post that my choice of spouse will not change my stance on marriage and that I was quite lucky with my choice . . . . Or from my 4th post that I wouldn't trade my husband for any reason

Maybe you are just seeing what you want to see.

And you've somehow missed my point in all my posts. . . . Marriage doesn't define who I am or dictate my happiness.

And I see you are a fan. . . . That's okay, I get that a lot

Caracta:

Nah.

It's been like centuries can we still talk?

Interesting thread.
I agree with KanwuliaJara and ujujoan2 to find happiness within ourselves.
For marriage to be successful, everyone must be willing to play their imperfect role with love, a bit of patience and understanding. Imagine such challenge when only one person is raising the kids or doing the chores or making the money etc...that's recipe for burnt-out.

Jesu Christy! Whew! It is well o. Whew!

What's too much in hoping and actually getting a partner that is a teammate? A partner that listens? A partner that understands the age-long proverb of the broom being stronger as a bunch? It is well o. May God bless us with peaceful people. It is well.

kingdenny:
A lot of negativity here does not portray what marriage really is.
No matter how you look at it, marriage is a beautiful institution. And every marriage must face challenges and difficulty, it is the ability to face such challenges and conquer them is what makes it really beautiful.
There is no formular for a successful marriage, what rocks your boat might wreck my boat. the way family A solved their challenges might not work for family B. Couples need to be able to confront their challenges instead of looking for an easy way out. Unless the foundation on which the marriages was built is full of deceit and lies. We live in a generation where people would prefer to discard a dress than mend, it has become applicable in how we live our lives. My parents are my mentor, married for forty years and still rocking marriage happily.
Courtship is very important before marriage. It gives you a clue of what to expect if both parties are genuine without pretense.
I used to club and party like hell, before I got married but my wife didn't like it, I promised to stop, three years down in marriage, I have never clubbed, I kept to my word. We club to gather if we feel in a party mood. Respecting the agreement before marriage is a key to a successful marriage.

I love this write up

Marriage is beautiful, especially when you are two like minds building a warm loving home to rush 2.

Am not scared, neither am in a rush. But I look forward to when I wil be settled in marriage.
I can feel in my heart, it will be interesting, challenging in some areas but worth delving into.

Why am this optimistic? Have learnt to decipher between dating a guy who can be a pain in the neck and dating a peaceful loving jovial guy. Am not scared to cut off from a destructive relationship immediately than to hang on and be having sleepless nights over him. If he doesn't change, my dear , am Moving on.
At least it's easier to breakup in relationships than in Marriage.

I can't suffer. Myself and be with someone am not compatible with. God forbid.

Marriage is beautiful, with a compatible and understanding partner.

oloyede252:
quite an interesting thread. @ UjuJoan2 so you finally got married and from your post you ain't happy in your marriage.

Is this necessary? Really?

Why pick on her and make it personal?

This is one of the reasons why people are sceptical about baring their hearts here or letting others have a peek into the dynamics of their home.

I 100% agree that no marriage is all sweetness and light. That's just not possible. Why? Because no two people are exactly the same. There'll always be differences and how these differences are handled is / are the challenges - the basis of this topic.

We're all here to learn and share from and with each other. Let's be mature and respectful of that fact. Or is that too much to ask?

armyofone:
Interesting thread.
I agree with KanwuliaJara and ujujoan2 to find happiness within ourselves.
For marriage to be successful, everyone must be willing to play their imperfect role with love, a bit of patience and understanding. Imagine such challenge when only one person is raising the kids or doing the chores or making the money etc...that's recipe for burnt-out.

So true.

Re: the bolded part of your post, I just read this and thought to share:

boldx:
My Passionate appeal to the HUSBANDS OF NIGERIA

I woke up with a serious burden and trust me my sleep was short as well because i spent time thinking through all my counseling sessions during the week.

Consistently married women are showing up in our office who are tired of their marriage and want out not because the man is not a performer in the bedroom but simply because they have borne the burden of domestic bills and are tired and worn out. What is most intriguing is that most of these women have lost their self esteem and so tired of life with a number of them battling with depression no thanks to threats from the same man who has refused to lend a helping hand in providing support for the family?

...

If you must know some of our wives are upset and tired and to cap it all many of us feel too big to seek for paid employment yet every investment in the direction of 'I want to do business' has been squandered with nothing to show.

I am aware that times are tough for a lot of men and trust me I sympathize with us and earnestly praying to God to turn things around for our men but can we also help ourselves by doing something and crying out for help?

Can we turn down positions that requires you to make donations by simply telling those who offer you that you have no job at the moment and need help?

Can we be humane enough to at least show respect and honour for the one who has made provision possible over the years and go all out to do anything that is ethical, legal and right to earn something no matter how small.

...

In the last 1 week i have spoken with over 13 women who are ready to move out of their marriage with their kids because

'I can't continue to work so hard and feed the entire family without nothing to show for myself'

...

There is no way a human being can be comfortable feeding another able body for the rest of her life when life can be better if the two of them bring in something.

The economy we live in right now is not one that affords anyone to sit at home and do nothing? If after 8years of claiming you want to do business nothing has worked please be humble enough to dust your certificate and go and work for someone else?

...

Our women are tired & now many want out but I believe we can remedy the situation because once the home breaks the family breaks.

I am appealing to all our men to please seek counsel because often times a counsel is just what you need to redirect your life and bounce back.

Feeling too big to check in for counseling is arrogance when you are stuck. We must maximize professionals who are willing to help.

There is no glory in reading the Bible and praying daily for the last 5years doing nothing. By now you should have caught the revelation that sets you free.

...

And for those of us in the religious space may I appeal that we begin to do our due diligence before we appoint people into positions. Can we check if the person is gainfully employed and domestically responsible?

We must know that a family is a nation and every able bodied adult must contribute to the internally generated revenue of the family.

This also goes to wives who sit down and do nothing in the name of 'I am chopping my husband's money' kindly take yourself away from the welfare list of the family and do something to add value to the family economy.

If you have read this and have not contributed a dime financially in the last 5years please something must change as a matter of urgency.

May God turn things around and may God give us the wisdom to do things differently.

Our wives are tired and burdened and we must relieve them of this burden.

I honour us all.

...

Now I'm not saying this is everything, but this touches on the issue of finance, the strains it puts on a lot of marriages - especially when it gets to the point where one person seems to do all the sacrifices and has nothing tangible to show for it.

Frustrations set in and it gets to the point where the load bearer starts asking themselves: what REALLY is the point of being married if I'm having to do this all on my own?

EfemenaXY:


So true.

Re: the bolded part of your post, I just read this and thought to share:



Now I'm not saying this is everything, but this touches on the issue of finance, the strains it puts on a lot of marriages - especially when it gets to the point where one person seems to do all the sacrifices and has nothing tangible to show for it.

Frustrations set in and it gets to the point where the load bearer starts asking themselves: what REALLY is the point of being married if I'm having to do this all on my own?

So so true!

UjuJoan2:


Really? You didn't see from my first post that my choice of spouse will not change my stance on marriage and that I was quite lucky with my choice . . . . Or from my 4th post that I wouldn't trade my husband for any reason

Maybe you are just seeing what you want to see.

And you've somehow missed my point in all my posts. . . . Marriage doesn't define who I am or dictate my happiness.

And I see you are a fan. . . . That's okay, I get that a lot
spouse

"your choice of will not change your stance on marriage "...this validates my first point of you're getting married because of societal pressure not that you really desire it..you believe marriage should be outlawed and it's not important yet you still went ahead to get married...... this beg the question of will you ever be happy in your marriage when you see it as bondage, the answer is "it will be difficult "


for your other point I agree with you.

note: Am your fan no doubt, missed the old you and your interesting submission.

EfemenaXY:


Is this necessary? Really?

Why pick on her and make it personal?

This is one of the reasons why people are sceptical about baring their hearts here or letting others have a peek into the dynamics of their home.

I 100% agree that no marriage is all sweetness and light. That's just not possible. Why? Because no two people are exactly the same. There'll always be differences and how these differences are handled is / are the challenges - the basis of this topic.

We're all here to learn and share from and with each other. Let's be mature and respectful of that fact. Or is that too much to ask?

I picked on her because am a fan..
Also you make it seem as if I said something bad or offensive, I just summarized her posts and gave my honest opinion.

I agree with your other points.

jaszplus12:

oh yea!!!
maybe you're:
a)unlucky
b)experienced (in getting it wrong)
c)married before and divorced!
marriage is divine... sure! did you create yourself?
how did the "idea" to come together as man and wife come into existence?
and I dated my wife for 8 years before getting married 15 years ago!
let me tell you something important... we've both made mistakes on lots of things that spring up when two people come to live together, some are quite very upsetting some very ridiculous some others very necessary.
...and we move on knowing that all this are bound to occur ..
of course we seek ways to also avoid the situations that may cause disaffections knowing these lead to breakdown in relationship!
every marriage is unique in it's character depending on the couple's approach!

Your wife may have a different opinion because most times women sacrifice a lot more than men in marriages to make things work so it's likely she will have a much different opinion

oloyede252:

I picked on her because am a fan..
Also you make it seem as if I said something bad or offensive, I just summarized her posts and gave my honest opinion.

I agree with your other points.

You must be coogar of old

oloyede252:

"your choice of will not change your stance on marriage "...this validates my first point of you're getting married because of societal pressure not that you really desire it..you believe marriage should be outlawed and it's not important yet you still went ahead to get married...... this beg the question of will you ever be happy in your marriage when you see it as bondage, the answer is "it will be difficult "


for your other point I agree with you.

note: Am your fan no doubt, missed the old you and your interesting submission

Actually I didn't get this stance untill I actually got married. Like most mills and boons lovers I dreamt of getting married and living a fairytale, but that's not always the case is it Reality hits you hard on the head like a rock and then you start wondering why you ever thought it was going to be a bed of roses.

So I'm giving back by teaching young people to find their peace before settling down with anyone, or else they will be in for a life of disappointment.

I don't see how that makes me unhappy or in bondage. I think I have the best marriage because I and my husband are not under any sort of pressure to be 'perfect'. We are happy with each other just the day we are.

Why do you even care if I'm happy or not? Hope you are not one of the monitoring spirits?

Awwww. . . . The bolded is just sweet. Thanks!

EfemenaXY,

Wow! At the article.

"Can we check if the person (man and woman/husband and wife) is gainfully employed and domestically responsible"

Men/husbands should never leave domestic work to their wives. Join her in:
-The kitchen even if it is only eggs or water you can boil - she is making stew, assist in placing all the ingredients on the counter...start boiling rice
-Share in bathing the kids (if you have kids)
-Playing teacher at home
-Playing driver for after school program
-Playing judge and counsel to the kids
-Baby/kids sitting for either of you to take turns to work out
-Join in cleaning your home
etc
Just be a team player in your home ( be domestically responsible)

Gainfully employed - both (husband and wife) should be bringing money home monthly no matter how small.

I just think human beings intentionally complicated something that's just simple.
May we do the right thing and follow the simple and non complex paths in life's journey.

UjuJoan2:


Actually I didn't get this stance untill I actually got married. Like most mills and boons lovers I dreamt of getting married and living a fairytale, but that's not always the case is it Reality hits you hard on the head like a rock and then you start wondering why you ever thought it was going to be a bed of roses.

So I'm giving back by teaching young people to find their peace before settling down with anyone, or else they will be in for a life of disappointment.

I don't see how that makes me unhappy or in bondage. I think I have the best marriage because I and my husband are not under any sort of pressure to be 'perfect'. We are happy with each other just the day we are.

Why do you even care if I'm happy or not? Hope you are not one of the monitoring spirits?

Awwww. . . . The bolded is just sweet. Thanks!

I agree with you except the part you said marriage should be outlawed.

I honestly care because am your fan and you make me laugh with your submissions so why will I want to see you sad.


[/quote]

TheArchangel:
You must be coogar of old

Lol... nah am not....great and legendary guy he is .

1miccza:


It's been like centuries can we still talk?

Sure. You can send an e-mail

Pidgin2:


Your wife may have a different opinion because most times women sacrifice a lot more than men in marriages to make things work so it's likely she will have a much different opinion

yes. and I'm not sure I've said my wife sees the same way I do. in fact we vary in so many ways and I think its the variation that drew me closer! and I'm sure you will agree with me that two cannot stay together unless they agree. meaning all our years together has been that we agree to agree on some issues and of course disagree on many others yet choose to live together and forge a bond!
depending on how you view it, but I can't agree totally that women sacrifice more in a marriage.
I'm sure you understand my point of view...