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Tension In My House! - Family - Nairaland

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Tension In My House! by COOLWATER(m): 5:04pm On Mar 25, 2010
My wife was recently put to bed and this has waranted my mom being around to assist with the normal chores around the house. the relationship between my mom and my wife has always been casual and one that every young man prays for.

My mom likes this gal so much. And alas my wife started complaining about my smom peaking Ibo to me and obviously she doesnt understand Ibo.

And honestly the Ibo she speaks is more like asking harmless questions like wat do i want to eat? wen will i eat? she is begining to distance herself from my mom and thereby indirectly and obliviously severing the relationship between herself and my mom. i warned her to be very careful becos if anything happens i will end up being in the middle of the whole scenerio.

Pls help me; do i tell my mom to go and to hire a nanny in her place or is my wife just being selfish? or am i the one with the fault?
Re: Tension In My House! by Nobody: 5:17pm On Mar 25, 2010
Re: Tension In My House! by breathless(m): 5:36pm On Mar 25, 2010
Bros, put ur mind to rest by making ur wife feel more comfortable by reassuring her that nothing bad is been said about her when ur mother speaks ur lingua. besides encourage ur mum to speak a language she understands while u encourage ur spouse to learn urs. I agree wt d hormonal changes. Bros, ur woman can become something else u might even be confused.
All the best in stearing ur ship, CAPTAIN!!!! wink
Re: Tension In My House! by Nobody: 5:37pm On Mar 25, 2010
@poster
what about simply asking your mum to speak English around the house?

as you said that your mum really like this gal then i guess she will have no problem understanding how your spouse feels and adapt.
Re: Tension In My House! by coolier(f): 7:28pm On Mar 25, 2010
MRbrownJAY:

@poster
what about simply asking your mum to speak English around the house?
as you said that your mum really like this gal then i guess she will have no problem understanding how your spouse feels and adapt.

What? that is insulting the mum!. English is not the mum's language so why should she start to speak English in the house especially to her own son? They're married with two children, long enough for his wife to have started picking her husband's native language. I hope she's not going to ask her husband not to speak Ibo to his kids too!
Re: Tension In My House! by omega25red(m): 8:39pm On Mar 25, 2010
well poster when you mum ask you what you want to eat in ibo ask your wife in english if she says when are you going to eat in ibo ask your wife at the same time that way it wouldn't seem like you guys are talking about her. or say my mum asked what i'm eating for dinner any suggestions
Re: Tension In My House! by spoilt(f): 11:52pm On Mar 25, 2010
Doesnt your mum speak English? 
There's something about people riverting to a language they know you dont understand. Sometimes no bad things may be said but they just want to make you feel you dont belong.  undecided

My husband is from a different tribe. I do not understand their language. They speak English when I am around. Everyone is happy.
Re: Tension In My House! by Hotstepper(f): 2:09am On Mar 26, 2010
well I guess this is the whole disadvantage of not marrying from one's ethnic group. I am not in any way saying its bad but one has to make sure that he/she will be able to copy and learn.

The lady should make an effort to at least understand or not feel something bad is being said about her, @Poster, re-assure her of this and if possible, reply your mother in english when she ask you things in igbo

1 Like

Re: Tension In My House! by Nobody: 2:33am On Mar 26, 2010
coolier:

What? that is insulting the mum!. English is not the mum's language so why should she start to speak English in the house especially to her own son? They're married with two children, long enough for his wife to have started picking her husband's native language. I hope she's not going to ask her husband not to speak Ibo to his kids too!

my bad, i thought that mostly everyone in 9ja spoke English, even if thats "broken" English.

speaking another language while around a person who dont understand it is disrespectful to that person.
since the mother can communicate with wifey then i guess they speak a common language (whichever it may be).

my parent and i only communicate in French but they will automatically switch to English when we are around people who dont understand French (as weird as it may be to us).

and like Hotstepper wrote, at least make sure that the hubby always reply in English then.
as for the children, let them learn their fathers tongue as well as their mothers. . . . . in due time!

PS: you want the wifey to learn igbo after 2yrs while the mum had her whole life to learn how to speak English. LOL!!!!
Re: Tension In My House! by spoilt(f): 2:43am On Mar 26, 2010
coolier:

What? that is insulting the mum!. English is not the mum's language so why should she start to speak English in the house especially to her own son? They're married with two children, long enough for his wife to have started picking her husband's native language. I hope she's not going to ask her husband not to speak Ibo to his kids too!

Insulting? Have you already assumed that the mother doesnt speak any English?
Re: Tension In My House! by jumie(f): 12:08pm On Mar 26, 2010
The man has a lot of work in bridging the gap between his wife and his mum. He should be diplomatic about handling issues like this.
Re: Tension In My House! by Nobody: 12:27pm On Mar 26, 2010
Your wife needs to get her insecurities in check abeg. I hate it when young girls make their home a battle ground with their husbands mothers and come round to accuse the women of being witches. My sisters converese with me in Hausa even when hubby is around and he does not speak or understand Hausa ,why does he not get upset and make it a national Issue? if her mom were to speak to her in their languauge will it be a problem?
Some women can just be so annoying peharps you should cancel your african Magic subscription, it messes with their brain.

4 Likes

Re: Tension In My House! by Godalone(m): 12:34pm On Mar 26, 2010
coolier:

What? that is insulting the mum!. English is not the mum's language so why should she start to speak English in the house especially to her own son? They're married with two children, long enough for his wife to have started picking her husband's native language. I hope she's not going to ask her husband not to speak Ibo to his kids too!
You are right sis.
Re: Tension In My House! by GeeCee(m): 1:12pm On Mar 26, 2010
Your wife ought to have put d language barrier into consideration b4 marrying u and after 2 issues, she shuld be used to it by now. Infact she shuld be able to pick some words in yor dialect by now. So yor wife needs to stop the feeling of insecure dat she has.
Aoeva, u cannot just put it too blunt to her. Calmly let her see the way out. Let her be rest assured dat yor mum has nothing against her. Also, start teaching her yor dialect.

As for those who say yor mum shuld be the one to adjust, i won't want to talk abt it cos it annoys me.
Re: Tension In My House! by coolier(f): 1:30pm On Mar 26, 2010
spoilt:

Insulting? Have you already assumed that the mother doesnt speak any English?

No, as a matter of fact, I assumed she speaks English perfectly all right. But it is rude to give one's mother conditions in one's home. She should be able to speak whatever language she is comfortable with, not forced to speak a particular language to make one's wife happy.

MRbrownJAY:

speaking another language while around a person who dont understand it is disrespectful to that person.
since the mother can communicate with wifey then i guess they speak a common language (whichever it may be).
PS: you want the wifey to learn igbo after 2yrs while the mum had her whole life to learn how to speak English. LOL!!!!

In this case it is not disrespectful, we are talking about her mother-in-law here who should be old enough to be her own mother! The wife is insecure plain and simple, thinking every conversation between mother and son in Ibo language is a coup against her. 2yrs plus the courting period is a long time to get a grip of the language.
Re: Tension In My House! by Nobody: 1:33pm On Mar 26, 2010
GeeCee:

Your wife ought to have put d language barrier into consideration b4 marrying u and after 2 issues, she shuld be used to it by now. Infact she shuld be able to pick some words in yor dialect by now. So yor wife needs to stop the feeling of insecure dat she has.
Aoeva, u cannot just put it too blunt to her. Calmly let her see the way out. Let her be rest assured dat yor mum has nothing against her. Also, start teaching her yor dialect.

As for those who say yor mum shuld be the one to adjust, i won't want to talk abt it cos it annoys me.
My brother its annoying to me too. Why bare we so quick to assume that the mother is the troublesome one? Haba let us learn to respect Mothers, African Magic has made women have too much sterotype against mother in laws? Haba, Its so annoying. His wife is annoyingly insecure
Re: Tension In My House! by Nobody: 1:57pm On Mar 26, 2010
chaircover:

Congratulations on your new baby.

How long is your mum going to be around for?

To be fair to your wife, the few weeks after having a new baby can be the hardest with hormones everywhere and with sleepless nights so she most probably isnt deliberately doing this.

If your mum wont be around for too long, then you can just keep on pacifying both sides. What you don't want is the relationship between the 2 irreparably damaged.

You may want to have a quiet word with your wife about things.

Is she the only that has a child?


spoilt:

Doesnt your mum speak English? 
There's something about people riverting to a language they know you dont understand. Sometimes no bad things may be said but they just want to make you feel you dont belong.  undecided

My husband is from a different tribe. I do not understand their language. They speak English when I am around. Everyone is happy.

I used to think it's rude speaking in a language the next person doesnt understand, but now i know better, they are some families ,Take for instance in my family(extended) we all speak igbo, we dont do English, whenever we see or tok to each other, the igbo just flows out, and then we've all grown up with this, its going to be hard for us to always speak English to each other cos we are trying to please some body, Sometimes when we are having the girls night out, my father rings me up, And we just converse in Igbo

This might have been the language his mother is used to , this might have been the language he was brought up with, I would have been against this whole thing if the mother was toking to him for hours wit this lang, but the poster clearly stated that she only asks him simple question and by Gawd his wife should have been able to , atleast by now to make out little words when used in a sentence
Re: Tension In My House! by Nobody: 2:09pm On Mar 26, 2010
coolier:

In this case it is not disrespectful, we are talking about her mother-in-law here who should be old enough to be her own mother! The wife is insecure plain and simple, thinking every conversation between mother and son in Ibo language is a coup against her. 2yrs plus the courting period is a long time to get a grip of the language.

i guess we live in different time zone because IMHO the last thing my mother would want to do is come and bring confusion like this in a perfectly well balanced household and at such a difficult time.

i would understand if the mother didnt speak any other language but i guess it aint so.
put yourself in the wifey's place and imagine yourself in your home and your in law speaking to you in english and then turning to your husband to speak in a language that you dont understand?!!?!?
I, for one, wouldnt like that because i would automatically have to translate to wifey every thing my mother is saying.
Re: Tension In My House! by Nobody: 2:45pm On Mar 26, 2010
There is no ground for argument here

The poster clearly stated that the mother asks simple questions like "What will you eat for dinner" or whatever, for heavens sake that shouldnt be a problem, this woman should have alteast learnta tiny bit of her hubbys lang even if its a word

Enough of blaming outsiders for marital problems, sometimes the insiders are the reason for this problem and if his wife is not careful, she is going to lose the relationship she has with her mother inlaw and when she wants to get it back, ti will be too late

Some Women are praying for God to take the lives of their mother inlaw, and this one is here, not appreciating what God has done for her
Re: Tension In My House! by spoilt(f): 2:54pm On Mar 26, 2010
I dont see why people cant understand the simple social courtesies involved here.

Be it in the office setting, home front or board room, it is understood that you dont speak languages that other people around dont understand. Usually its an unspoken rule. Some companies go as far as having it in their employee hand book. It is for a reason, believe it or not. Put yourself in the shoes of the person who doesnt understand the language. You could be in the company of these people for 24 hours or the greater part of your day and not understand a single word that is said. If that is not akward I dont know what is! Its not simply because you think they are talking about you. They could be joking and laughing their heads off and you would just sit there playing with your nails completely lost not even able to enjoy the jokes. I dont see why anyone would have a problem riverting to a mutual language. It really should be instinctive. When you see the other person looking lost why would you not want to include them in the conversations? I guess you cant force your ethiquette on people.  undecided

What would end up happening is that when they start speaking their language after some time she'll probably end you going to the other room to watch some Tv that she actually understands.  grin grin. Next thing you hear is the patronising comments like " Ah, ah our wife dont you like sitting with us"?. "Why are you always running"?  She cant win in this situation. Ive been there before.
Re: Tension In My House! by spoilt(f): 2:57pm On Mar 26, 2010
jennykadry:

There is no ground for argument here

The poster clearly stated that the mother asks simple questions like "What will you eat for dinner" or whatever, for heavens sake that shouldnt be a problem, this woman should have alteast learnta tiny bit of her hubbys lang even if its a word

Enough of blaming outsiders for marital problems, sometimes the insiders are the reason for this problem and if his wife is not careful, she is going to lose the relationship she has with her mother inlaw and when she wants to get it back, ti will be too late

Some Women are praying for God to take the lives of their mother inlaw, and this one is here, not appreciating what God has done for her


Yeah right.
Because of only one sentence there is tension? Often discussing or trying to decide what to eat is a whole conversation. grin
Plus if she speaks that language while asking what he'll eat, she'll probably use that language to ask about other things.
Re: Tension In My House! by Nobody: 3:01pm On Mar 26, 2010
spoilt:


Yeah right.
Because of only one sentence there is tension? Often discussing or trying to decide what to eat is a whole conversation. grin
Plus if she speaks that language while asking what he'll eat, she'll probably use that language to ask about other things.



I am an igbo gurl its my language and i know better, " what will you like to eat" is a very simple and direct question, the answer that comes with it, is as easy as anything to understand if only the gurl is interested in learning the language

If they were discussing, fine, but little or short sentences shouldnt be an issue here

Alot of women run over their shadows for nothing
Re: Tension In My House! by Nobody: 3:17pm On Mar 26, 2010
spoilt:

I dont see why people cant understand the simple social courtesies involved here.

Be it in the office setting, home front or board room, it is understood that you dont speak languages that other people around dont understand. Usually its an unspoken rule. Some companies go as far as having it in their employee hand book. It is for a reason, believe it or not. Put yourself in the shoes of the person who doesnt understand the language. You could be in the company of these people for 24 hours or the greater part of your day and not understand a single word that is said. If that is not akward I dont know what is! Its not simply because you think they are talking about you. They could be joking and laughing their heads off and you would just sit there playing with your nails completely lost not even able to enjoy the jokes. I dont see why anyone would have a problem riverting to a mutual language. It really should be instinctive. When you see the other person looking lost why would you not want to include them in the conversations? I guess you cant force your ethiquette on people. undecided

What would end up happening is that when they start speaking their language after some time she'll probably end you going to the other room to watch some Tv that she actually understands. grin grin. Next thing you hear is the patronising comments like " Ah, ah our wife dont you like sitting with us"?. "Why are you always running"? She cant win in this situation. Ive been there before.
My Dear, me and my sisters are close and we speak Hausa without knowing. Most times because we are together almost always we assume everyone speaks Hausa, Esp Hubby, He has been around long we ve dated for ever and so they assume by now he should understand Hausa, I try to teach him but He no gree, In these days of inter tribal marriage its a really silly reason to get angry or cause tension
Re: Tension In My House! by Nobody: 3:30pm On Mar 26, 2010
My partner is an igbo man with good yoruba skills cheesy grin seriously this man raps yoruba just the way 50 cent raps his verse, whenever he is with his good friends they all start speaking yoruba, i cant be bothered cos this pple have been speaking these langfuage for only God knows when,i myself only knew the "come and go " in yoruba, nothing else, i was struggling until i went to him and asked him to teach me, i told him to try and communicate with me in yoruba and that is how i learnt a bit

His wife should try and understand a little bit of her hubbys lang, a little bit at least
Re: Tension In My House! by COOLWATER(m): 3:55pm On Mar 26, 2010
I actually understand what language barrier could do to someone. i work in the Northern part of Nigeria and my colleagues all speak hausa which i dont and i have not seen any problem there. I believe u only feel concerned over such issues if and only if u feel threatened by them.

Well coming back home,i have made my wife to understand that the relationship she enjoys with my mom is what other gals are hoping and praying for so she should not waste her precious time haggling over a harmless mother in law who constantly prays for us.

I think this advice should go to other gals; in as much as u know ur hubby loves u and caters for his family, please dont feel threatened by the language barrier becos if u do, it will end up severing your marriage irrepairably.
Re: Tension In My House! by illusion2: 7:27pm On Mar 26, 2010
aisha2:

My Dear, me and my sisters are close and we speak Hausa without knowing. Most times because we are together almost always we assume everyone speaks Hausa, Esp Hubby, He has been around long we ve dated for ever and so they assume by now he should understand Hausa, I try to teach him but He no gree, In these days of inter tribal marriage its a really silly reason to get angry or cause tension
Just curious .  .are you Hausa or just a hausa speaker  ?

spoilt:

I dont see why people cant understand the simple social courtesies involved here.
Be it in the office setting, home front or board room, it is understood that you dont speak languages that other people around dont understand. Usually its an unspoken rule.
What would end up happening is that when they start speaking their language after some time she'll probably end you going to the other room to watch some Tv that she actually understands.  grin grin. Next thing you hear is the patronising comments like " Ah, ah our wife dont you like sitting with us"?. "Why are you always running"?  She cant win in this situation. Ive been there before.
My dear this has little to do with 'social courtesy' as you have identified- in the African tradition,the mother-in-law/wife relationship is a delicate one ,which regular 'social courtesy' rules may not necssarily apply to  !

Learning laguages isn't difficult if one puts one's mind to it.

You do not want the mother-in-law to feel unwelcome as well.

I'll go for the hormonal explanations in this case wink
Re: Tension In My House! by busybody20: 7:30pm On Mar 26, 2010
@ Coolwater,

You do not need to tell your mum to speak english because of your wife; she might be upset. Since your wife has a very good relationship with your mum, what I will do in her case; Jokingly I did tell her mum 'dis one way u dey speak igbo i dey feel like outcast oo'  grin   grin . She will just laugh about it & get the message (that is if they have a good relationship ooo)  grin

Option 2

When your mum speaks Igbo to you, simply answer in english; In no time she will get the message   wink
Re: Tension In My House! by Nobody: 8:45pm On Mar 26, 2010
illusion2:

Just curious . .are you Hausa or just a hausa speaker ?
My dear this has little to do with 'social courtesy' as you have identified- in the African tradition,the mother-in-law/wife relationship is a delicate one ,which regular 'social courtesy' rules may not necssarily apply to !

Learning laguages isn't difficult if one puts one's mind to it.

You do not want the mother-in-law to feel unwelcome as well.

I'll go for the hormonal explanations in this case wink
We just speak Hausa, we are not hausa
Re: Tension In My House! by Busybody2(f): 10:03pm On Mar 26, 2010
Am i reading this right ! ! ! Not your Mum and your siblings oh, nor your Mum and other family members, BUT YOU AND YOUR MUM OCCASIONALLY SWITCHES LANGUAGE UNKNOWINGLY, AND YOUR WIFE HAS THE AUDACITY TO COMPLAIN YOU SHOULD STOP COS YOU ARE POTENTIALLY GOSSIPING ABOUT HER AND MALIGNING HER CHARACTER, UTTER TOSH AND ARRANT NONSENSE.

You berra start sit your wife's ar'se down and talk some senses into her head that saying this means she is saying she doesn't trust you and tell her to go and work on her insecurities and command her to give you back your trouser as the head of the household, Ha ha, what rubbish, pekele pekele, lol.
Re: Tension In My House! by mamagee3(f): 11:21pm On Mar 26, 2010
To cut a long story short, Just tell your mom to stay away from your business.
That'll solve a lot of problems coming in the future.
Re: Tension In My House! by Nobody: 1:09am On Mar 27, 2010
mama-gee:

To cut a long story short, [b]Just tell your mom to stay away from your business.[/b]That'll solve a lot of problems coming in the future.

you are a woman, you will be a mother someday, you will have kids of your own, male and female, dont say that
Re: Tension In My House! by illusion2: 6:18am On Mar 27, 2010
aisha2:

We just speak Hausa, we are not hausa
Ok. I'm just trying to understand why you don't speak your OWN language with your siblings then ?  undecided

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