DOUBLEWAHALA:
I will appreciate anybody with a summary

The fully understand the whole gist, best to read the long post.....

To err is human. Even you are not perfect, so I would implore you forgive and forget. These are the kind of issues that either keep or break a home. And I believe you don't want the latter. Have you seen the movie "why did I get married too". I would advice you watch it. You are having almost the same issue.

Forgive her. If you don't, even you too will have a restless mind. Not to talk about your son.

Jesus teaches us forgiveness, remember.

I don't why people don't get this ,am not making excuses for men but the truth is that women cheats with emotions unlike men that can just have sex with no feelings attached .That's why when a woman cheats on her husband she finds it difficult to have sex with him unlike men

taking everything into consideration plus the fact that u r already based abroad, i'd advice to forgive but don't forget yet.

work your life to accommodate her n yr boy...

u seem like a hardworker who can do anything to cater for his family

if to say u were in Naija I think u would have no other option than to free the woman.

but don't let her spoil yr progression abroad

wish u the best, all family men should be as hard working and focused on their families.

First you need to find out why she was out there pestering another man for care and attention! Your wife is emotionally disconnected from you, as it is she doesn't love you anymore. She should truthfully decide if she can still love you again.

you cheated before and you lied about it. yours was worst than hers. you should forgive her. she loves you.

Hmmm...the reason people cheat is too vague for even them to comprehend. You are a guy smart in both looks and books, yet your wife cheated. A man can be married to a hottie and still cheat. Why do people cheat? The million dollar question!

Anyways, please forgive her same way she forgave you in the past. Unfortunately, when a woman cheats, she tends to be emotionally involved unlike men who just do for physical pleasure. Biko forgive her and stop tormenting yourself. You two have been through a lot together, try to move past this too.

It is well.

Boohoohoo, cry me a river.Most Nigerian girls nowadays are hoes, deal with it. They were prostitutes or.so called Runs girls in college and they'll remain prostitutes in marriage.
That's just what it is.

For braking the Samsung S8edge am angry with you you went too far Sir. forgive and move on that's the rule in MARRIAGE

betafuture:
many thanks. But how do I know they never have anything together, I left her in Nigeria with my son for three months (though my cousin was in the house with her) before she came to join me in the UK. One thing that tourched me was that my son said 'Daddy, please give mummy a second chance, she is not a bad woman'

I felt like crying with that little boy's words

Why would you involve your son, in the whole tussle. I really don't appreciate that at all and secondly, I beg you to forgive and forget since you aren't sure of their meeting physically and you also aren't a saint either. Give her thus last chance I beg of you and I promise you, she wouldn't dare do such again, please I join in begging on her unbehalf, at least she is remorseful. Have mercy and forgive please, I beg of you. Do let this stay between you guys and never be disclosed to any one else I beg you in Gods name, Forgiveeeeee!!!!!!

betafuture:
I am very sorry, it seems like anytime I post on Nairaland is actually the time I have great challenges in my life, however, my posts also reflect the chronicle of my life. You may wish to check out my last posting about how I was sacked in the Bank with a debt that was guaranteed by a junior staff, whose job was threatened by the loan I obtained and she guaranteed for me. please find the link https://www.nairaland.com/2282140/loan-incured-before-termination-appointment Like I mentioned in that post, I got a job as with a Rep member and he appointed me as the Special assistant on a salary of 80k monthly and my boss paid my rent, of which I engage with my lender to take 50k with me monthly and right off the excess interest and stop disturbing the junior colleague, an arrangement they agreed to and everybody was fine, save that I had to struggle to cope with 30k monthly as a family man, working in Abuja. My wife never complained. I just gave her 25k from the salary, once received, to buy food for the family why I tried to manage with the remaining 5k. It was tough! Luckily, a junior lady cousin who works in a bank was posted to Abuja and we had to accommodate her. She was very kind and understood my plight. Sometimes, she drops up to 50k for my wife to augment the house expenses. She would tell me and sometimes, I would take additional 10k to ad to my pocket money.

The home was running, my son, my wife and my cousin, including myself were very happy. As a banker, I had learned the skill of marketing and networking and negotiation. In the course of my sojourn in the national assembly I met a head of a parastatal wjo needed me to do some strategic alliance between his organization and my boss. We later became great friends, and i realized I could access a scholarship to study in the UK through him. To cut the story short, I pursued this opportunity to the latter and I got a Federal government scholarship to pursue a Masters degree in the UK. I saw this as an opportunity to rewrite the story of my life. Two months in the UK, I began to look for means to bring my wife and son to join me in the UK. While I was in UK, I made it a point of duty to send 150k to my wife in Nigeria on monthly basis (Remember I was on scholarship) and I also do student work in the UK. Because we did not sell our car during the crisis, I also gave the custody of the car to her.

FIRST SUSPICION

When she was about coming to the UK with my 7 years old son, we decided to give out some of our home appliances and sell most of them including the car. Since I was not in Nigeria, she was to manage the transactions. Because I opened her e-mail address, i do see her mails, so i could see the alert on her GTB. The first thing that prompted me was that the amount she received for the sales of our car was 100k higher than what she declared to me. (The fund was meant to buy the flight tickets for her and my son). There were other expense transactions that were over declared, but the actual amount debited to her account were quite low. I did not confront her on these issues until she arrived UK with my son. When I did, I could see the way she manipulatively and professionally lied her way out of the whole issue. I did not pick an offense, hence i made her to understand that I was never convinced. Since then my instinct told me that if she could lie to me so much on finance, maybe there are other things going on in her life that I never known. However, I opened her Facebook account for her years ago in Nigeria, but I never bothered to check it. Out of curiosity, I tried login into her Facebook account and I discovered she has changed the password. My first reaction was to check it, but had I done that, she would have been conscious, then I used my skill as an trained IT security expert to crack her password and then access her Facebook. I ran through all her messenger message and everything was fine. Apart from a certain guy who always beg her for assistance and prayer, there was nothing really suspicious about her messanger and then, we continued with our normal life.

After a week in UK, she started to work as a carer (her visa permitted her to work fully), and she began to make money. I know how much enters her account and we decide how to spend. My son also start schooling and life began to have meaning again. I finished my masters with a distinction and the best graduating student in my department and my University offered me automatic admission for PhD, with part scholarship.l To remain, we needed to source funds to show evidence that my family can stay with me in the UK and show evidence of the balance of school fees. We sourced for money everywhere. She brought all she had and we had to borrow both from UK and Nigeria. My boss was very supportive and I commenced the PhD this September. As a family, we have a problem. My son is now 8 years and we have been trying to make another baby but it does not seem to be forthcoming. We have been to hospitals in the UK, we were both tested and once told my sperm motility was low, treated, but later we were considered both ok.

Since her arrival in the UK, I noticed that my wife suddenly repel sexxx. Sometimes, we had sexxxx just once in a month, she would find a way of brushing away by advances. At a level, i had to ask if there was any problem, but she said it was because of the new environment, her jobs and what have you. This further told me that all was not well in my marriage. She knows I love her and I would do anything for her. While we were yet trying to pay my tuition, her mum got a US visa and all the children were making contributions for her journey, I had to take from my school fees and send to Nigeria and manage my school to give us more time. I tried to ensure that we continually live like one happy family.

Do not let me sound like one perfect good guy. I had also lived a rough bad life in the past and she is aware. During my days in the bank, I had been sexually reckless and irresponsible. There was a time I left office to a gal house, fckked her and I never knew that the condom we used was stick to my shoe. I drove with it home, entered home very late at night, my wife was already angrily waiting for me in the house, only to see a used condom with sperm inside attached to the soul of my shoe. It was an issue that we had to battle with for weeks, even though I never confess it was from, I told a story that it must have got gummed to me at the mechanic village where I had gone to pick my car in the evening (She was aware that someone has accused my mechanic of having sexxx in his car, leaving condom at the back seat). after few weeks, we resolved the issue and we continued leaving normal life. However, there was also a time I suspected her activities on Facebook and I realised a guy whom she has known in the past has been pestering her and she seems to be encouraging him (That was during our period of financial crisis). I had confronted her, she had denied they never had anything but the guy was just pestering her. I apologised and went sober. I called the guy (who was also married) and lived in another faraway city. The guy denied having anything to do with her that she just knew her while growing up. The guy originally blasted me, but later called back and apologized and promised never to disturb her again. I was hurting for months, after which I forgave, forgot and moved on. Let me also state that during the period of my financial crisis, I made a covenant with God, after listening to a message, that whatever the case maybe, I will remain faithful to my wife. This I have manage to keep despite advances from both married and single friends and acquaintances.

THE REAL ISSUE

Now, we are living in the UK and very happy, she is working full-time, while I pursue my PhD full-time, work part-time and my son schools full-time and we were all happy, save the issue of delayed pregnancy and (to me, the poor sex life from her). Let me also state that I bought her a Samsung phone (when she arrived last year), which I have full access to because I know her password. Few months ago, she told me she wanted a bigger phone that she would send the one I bought her to my younger brother in Nigeria who had been disturbing her for a phone. Even though, I thought we did not need to spend money on a new phone at that crucial time because of the looming school expenses, I consented just for her to be happy and she got herself a Samsung galaxy s8 plus for 700pounds, which she would repay of 2 years. The first thing that prompted me about the phone was that she changed her password, but I never mind because I thought she was preventing my son, who always loved to play game on her phone from accessing the phone. However, after few weeks, I began to feel very uncomfortable about the whole stuff. My instinct just told me all was not well. Whatever was it, I could not place my finger on it. But after reviewing my work with my supervisor in the University yesterday, I just felt like going home to rest, instead of studying in the school and then, I met wife in the house with my son. She was trying to order some items online for my son for Christmas and on arrival, she gave her phone to select what we should buy for him, and then, the FB message came into her phone and I could read...'it is not what you think, I have been very busy'

I selected the item I thought was ok, gave returned her phone, picked my laptop and logged in to her Facebook. My wife pretended she was enganging me in discussion, but was responding to the message from a guy, who obviously was her lover and she wrote (I was reading from my computer without her knowledge) 'You know I will ALWAYS LOVE YOU'. and the other guy responded 'I love you more baby' (By this time, I was already burning on the seat, but I somehow managed to keep my calm). She wrote 'But you don't call me' ...and she stood up and went to the kitchen (I wanted to gather enough evidence before I reacted), but immediately she got to the kitchen, she deleted the conversation. At this time, I could not take it. My son was in the sitting room, watching cartoon. I went to her in the kitchen and aggressively confronted her. She originally pretended she did not know what I was saying, but when she say the aggression and seriousness in me she started begging and crying. I lost control of my emotion. I was angry and shouting. My son was there. He was too young, but very intelligent. he understood everything and began to blame his mum, at the same time asking me ti give mum a second chance. I was bitterly hurting. I felt like tearing her into pieces, but if I tried that in UK, it will be straight to jail. She could not state the reason behind her action. She was still trying to lie. She said the guy was her ex and they recently became friends on Facebook and the guy is trying to rekindle the old relationship. The guy is based in Nigeria, they do not even see. Everything she said was incoherently sense. All she wanted was that I should forgive her. I should not tell anybody. She cried, wept and what have you. I was hurting. If it were to by Nigeria, she would have left my house yesetrday, but in UK, it is difficult. The love turned to hatred. She managed to convince me to enter room with her, so that she will discuss the issue with me, without getting our son involved. In the room, it was the same crying and plea for forgiveness and a promise it would never happen again. I told her i was ok, but she would not let me out. I had to angrily shove her away from the door and she hit her head against the wardrobe. i was too angry, too sad, and too hateful to care. i called her all manners of unprintable names. I cursed her, I was just too angry. She kept begging. I left for the sitting room and she came back, knelt down before me and kept begging. My son was crying that two of us were making him sad. The young boy even threatened to tell his teacher in the school on monday. I was too angry to listen. I just told her to let me be. She stood up with tears in her eyes to enter the toilet, I checked her Facebook account again and realised that the lover had sent another message thus: "My dear I don't call you always to protect your home, but I always check your pictures every night before I go to bed" As I was reading, she stupidly deleted that again in the toilet. (Please note that my wife always post our family pictures on facebook, stating how I am the best husband in the world).

My anger erupted again and I rushed to meet her in the bathroom and asked her why she deleted the last message of the guy and she tearfully answered that she did not want me to see anything that could aggravate my anger the more. I angrily snatched the phone from her and smashed it on the floor. She knelt down at my feet and continued to cry and beg for forgiveness, but I was hurting so badly. I left for sitting room again and my son was confusedly crying. She came back and knelt before me and continued begging and weeping and begged we should go back to the room to discuss, at least to protect our son. After a while, i followed her. There was nothing to say; the same weeping, crying and promises to not do it again and swearing that they never had anything together. I told her I needed to talk to the guy and she pleaded I should not. I told her she is giving me an impression that she is protecting the guy so that she could continue her illicit affairs with him and told her it would not work. The can change tactics, but its is only a matter of time. I told her, I would forgive her, but I cannot trust her again and when there is no trust in marriage, the marriage is gone. I also told her I must engage that guy that she should give me his number, but she said her phone is no longer working. I made her feel comfortable that I have forgiven her, but honestly I am hurting. I went back to my laptop, continued chat with the guy on her messenger, but he was now online. We both slept on the same bed, i realised she could not sleep. In the middle of the night she woke me up to beg again, she was offering a make-up sexxx, but I was not interested. I told her i had forgiven her, but I am still hurting and there is no way i could have erection with her. In the morning, I checked her messanger, i discovered the iddiot has responded, still claiming to love her. I checked his profile, I realised he is a muslim, who has a wife with two kids. His location was not shown, but most of his pics her in Nigeria apart from two which have foreign background. I also realize he has limited posts on FB, but the phone number on his FB page is US phone number.

From my wife's FB account, I sent a message thus:

Hi, Mr Farouq, my name is Adams, I am Grace husband
I just wish to inform you that all the rubbish you have been doing with my wife are now exposed to me
I advise you in the name of whatever thing you believe, STAY AWAY FROM MY WIFE.

I also realize you are a married man. If you have any moral integrity and respect for family values, you will know that
responsible men do not run after married women or break homes.

I do not care whatever you claim you think of her, just heed this warning STAY AWAY FROM MY WIFE.

He read it an never respond. I went to her facebook setting and unfriended him.

I left home in the morning to go study in the library, but honestly, I could not assimilate anything. I am so emotionally broken down, so psychologically disturbed. The whole event kept playing in my head. I found it difficult to rationalise it. I continued to find fault in my being and my personality. I know I am very attractive handsome young man. Despite showing I am married, ladies still flock around me. I am also a passionate lovemaker. I dress well and look neat. I don't seem to understand where I have failed. Sometimes I just close my eyes and i feel tears dripping, but I have got to be strong. As for her, she has remained in the room since morning, hiding her head in shame and crying profusely. I have cut off communication with her since I came back from school and I have enganged myself in drinking spirit maybe my spirit will be strenghtened.

This is my story, this is my ordeal. Please I need advice.

Thanks.

any woman that cheat can kill, no matter the begging and crying the emotion is already there, women are easily deceived, no matter the fact that the other man is

married with kids, a romantic word from him will melt her heart again. woman can't love two guys deeply at the same time, its obvious she is not so into you as she is for the guy. what your wife needs is only Jesus ryt now, a heart that fears God will honour her husband and not cheat.

Karma!

U cheated and denied it and thought u r free? Thank God they have not gone far.

You have no moral justification not to forgive her and forget d episode. Move on

Bro, I know exactly how you feel. You want to leave her, but you do not want to leave the marriage. They will still communicate, she will definitely call him to let him know what has happened. At this point, only your spiritual unit can refuel the emotional energy you have lost, trust me you will still lose some more. Any move she makes will play back this tape in your head for a reasonable amount of time. Like I said earlier, you will be unwilling but you must try to go to the spiritual unit. That is what will make the marriage stand. Your son cannot be a factor at this point. Do not drink, it will not help. You need to discuss it with her mother or her brother( this person should be a mature person that must promise never to tell any other person, might be your pastor if you feel the family member will spread the news)....someone she is very close to in her family line but you must inform her before you do so. Please note that she will beg you not to do so but you need to let her know that it is the only way your mind will be at rest in a little way. Be careful in all, she will still kick back soonest trying to turn tables. Whatever you do, do not leave that marriage! It is a phase that will pass!

Brother! Ask ur self some questions, do u still show her love? I mean the love u show her before marriage? Do u still take her out? Buy her gifts?listen to her troubles? Show her u care? Pamper her and tell her how much she means to you?
Have u allowed ur zeal and passion to succeed academically take over ur whole life that you no longer have time to spend with ur wife?
It's not about how good looking u are Oga!
Have u stopped being her husband?

Brother for a man far far away to still have an effect on ur wife, it's probably because he is doing something which u are not...
He is listening to her!

Retrace your step.. Forgive her and create time for her everyday...
Women are emotional, men are mental.

Forget the money, she loved u before u had it... Forget the material things u think u have...

Spend time with ur wife.. It will be inconveniencing for u but u have to try...

She hasn't slept with the man yet so u can still make this work...

I pray things work out well for u..
#cheers

To err is human to forgive is Divine.

@op, I feel your pains and pray that you and your wife can pull through this storm as husband and wife.

However, note the followings:

1. Any man that fvcks another man's wife risks having his own wife bleeped too. Remember that karma is an unforgiving bitch. Have you ever bleeped another man's wife?

2. A research conducted sometimes ago showed that a high percentage of wives who cheated on their husbands did so as a result of the husband having cheated on them earlier in their marriage.

I strongly commend your frankness and disclosure of your own past sex escapades without attempting to paint your wife as the ONLY bad person in this matter.

MY OBSERVATION
Your wife never trusted you after catching you with that used condom even though she feigned forgiveness and that may explain her escapades as you didn't refer to any adulterous act on her part prior to yours.

MY ADVICE
Except you had caught your wife in such situations before she caught you with your hands in the cookies jar, I will advise that you have a heart to heart talk with her and forgive her.

Let her know what the consequences of a repeat occurrence would be. Refrain from having amorous affairs with other women (either single or married) while you are still married to your wife.

And be a good father to your darling son.

Wishing you all the best.

betafuture:
hmm. Because I have cheated before now, it gives her the liberty to cheat under my roof. Ok ooo

You cheated on your wife and even lied to her about it. You have no case. You are a fuçking HYPOCRITE!

You guys are even now. You have NO RIGHT to be hurt. What is sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander.

Forgive your wife and stop punishing her for the same crime you committed, but never paid for (since you concealed it from her).

You can't have one rule for you, and another rule for her.

You can look inward and rekindle your love for her by taking her out and satisfying her sexual need from time to time.fore play can be helpful sometimes

To be candid,you are hot tempered. I understand what went through your head,your thoughts about how you suffered in Nigeria, brought her to UK and make her happy. Its normal for a happy home which you desire.

Pls,for the love to come back to your home and the sake of your son,you need to apologise for all you did during the issue. You have have gone too far bro. You hit her head,damaged her phone,disgraced her in the presence of your son,refuse to forgive her and even accept her oza room palava..lol

Bro,you need to apologise by taking her out on a date,buy her a new phone,beg and hug her in the presence of your son,buy her a new phone better than the one you spoilt and make sure the oza room is drench in s.x for a week.

Rekindle the love for a happy home.

This is hard

Thinking.....

I cant see myself living with a cheating spouse not to talk of loving them.oga when trust is broken in a relationship there is nothing left in that relationship. it can never be the same.if you truly love her and love yourself let her go.You both bleeped up,you learnt your lessons,you should both go your separate ways.If you forgive her and continue the relationship, there is no guarantee that you will not cheat on each other in no distant future.Cheating should never be used as a form of revenge in any relationship, not to talk of marriage.Our generation have made marriage look like a child's play,marriage is sacred,maybe not to you but to me. I can tolerate any nonsense from a woman but never her,cheating on me.

honestly, I feel karma is playing its role... you cheated while you were married, yet,you still want a perfect marriage...it doesn't work that way bruv... the way you lied to her then,she knew u were lying but she overlooked it.but overreacting on this issue is plain dumb... just forget the issue and move on. life is full of ups and downs...this is one of the downs of life. I just pray this story will be part of your autobiography on your successful life. I don't know you,but I can read you to be a very successful politician. mark my words and mark this date I said it.

I feel your pain bro. For the sake of your son,pls forgive her and make sure you watch her closely.

First Mr Betafuture your wife is not adulterous just like you've said, she may be saying the truth and considering the fact that she has been begging and pleading for forgiveness of which you attested to that she has been indoors shows that she has a lot of conscience still left in her and even though she actually cheated you should be able to see the sincerity in all her pleadings. Forgive your wife and check within yourself to know if there are things you're not doing right, that you're a passionate lovemaker is not enough, you can read up marriage books to know more and lastly the earlier you forgive her the better before she hurts herself. EVERYONE DESERVES A SECOND CHANCE

You cheated on her, she forgave you, now it's your time to forgive her.

You guys see cheating as nothing, but when a woman cheats, hell let loose, that's unfair.

Forgive her, no one is perfect.

betafuture

ibkayee:

C'mon shut it

a lot of angry people all over thes net these days, thank God election is fast approaching, we need real change

Bro i can imagine what you are going tru,it possible your wife had something with that man while you were away most women don't think before they act she probably thought she could hide this whole thing from you not know the world is a small place and there is not hidden under the sun just like it happen to you when you cheated on her and brought home a used condom. Here is my little advice from a married young man like your self seat your wife down tell her to tell you the truth because it very important make her understand you are ready to take any thing then get the guys number put a call to him tell him to stay clear from ur wife use his name on Facebook to search his profile and look for his wife and threat to report to his wife if you are able to find her then you embark on the journey to forgive your wife it not easy but take it as the best option because she remorseful about her act tell her you will end the union when Anything like this repeat itself again. I have come to understand that some men a specialized in dating married women and breaking people's home we have to guide our wives from such evil doers,am suspecting your wife met that men while you were away distance is one of those many problem in marriage and relationship.

bro I understand how you feel... I will advice you to forgive your wife and work on yourself. .. create more time with your family... communication matters most in the famly.... Forgive her and buy her gift and show her love. I am seeing your home great again.

REMEMBER U FALL INTO THESESAME SIN.

ChiefPiiko:
a lot of angry people all over thes net these days, thank God election is fast approaching, we need real change

I love election season because of all the funny slander, I laughed so much during the last one

Why will people just be quoting the whole post na ,what kind of wickedness is this on a Sunday morning
Op by the way, I think you are even worse than your wife, so I don't think you have the right to be hurt, you are just as guilty, you first have to confess your own sin to her and get her to forgive you, or you think she was a fool to have believed the story you used to conceal your adultery?, the both of you need to forgive each other

MIPNIG:

What is this one saying. We are not white people. It is all thi white people’s nonsense way of doing things that have destroyed our way of life.

Who told you separation will make any difference?

Everyone should face reality. There is no one on earth that is 100% committed to anything. People who set high standard for others can barely do the same when put under same situation.

Read the post again.
In antiquity, our forefathers sent women home who were rebellious or posed a problem and allowed them back when the issue was resolved, so there is nothing 'Oyibo' about trial separation. Would you prefer that the issues remain simmering and papered over until they are become unsolvable ?
Do you think if the woman wants to leave keeping her at home will stop that ?
Have you ever heard the term Abilene paradox where people make collective decisions they are unhappy with just to maintain the status quo ?

I don't have time for you abeg. Stay your lane.

This is lengthier than a Jackie Collins novel. Gosh!