My mum was abusive to me

In the end I told her a few times I hope she gets cancer and dies

Diddnt I cause her death?

But I begged God
And prayed and cried
I did the absolute most
I repented

Surely,

I told her I wanted her to get cancer and die in anger

But many times from my heart I begged and prayed and told her and God that I want her to survive.
I used annoying oil
I fasted
I prayed
I went to different churches
I used my faith and action, I did everything

I feel like it is karma or is it not, what do u think?

wonder shall never end,

this is heartbreaking.

We need to talk. I also got into a lot of fight with my Dad especially in his last years. I felt guilty about all that. His ailments escalated because of his negligence which made me angrier and I said some things I later wished I didn't while he was in coma. The pain becomes lesser with time and some activities.