fonzie2u:
Tell us what happened,its easy to play the victim,from ur story he left u and hes nt willing to com back.
Perhaps u hurt his ego.
Men are like elephants never try to dominate them,and even if u do they never forget.
M nt judgin u,but u write wit arrogance.A million and one things I guess u did to him.

This is exactly my problem with single mothers. They always play the victim card and claim innocent. The fault is always the ex-husband according to them.

You can see they are all happy to console her without questioning the woman's behaviour during the marriage as well.

Misery loves company.

I can't just imagine your pain. It must be a very difficult period for you and your children but God will see you through.

I suggest you do not keep to yourself. Try to have a support system...family, close friends. There are people who love you. Talk to them when you feel down and let them assist you with the children when you need timeout.

Try to do things that make you happy so that you van move on. Everything will work out fine in no time.

edoman2016:

This is exactly my problem with single mothers. They always play the victim card and claim innocent. The fault is always the ex-husband according to them.

You can see they are all happy to console her without questioning the woman's behaviour during the marriage as well.

Misery loves company.

so I'm wondering what has questioning the reason for a failed marriage got to do with showing empathy. Just a tiny bitty empathy to a woman that is overwhelmed with a seemingly unending task ahead of her. Your question and answer sessions cum allocation of misdeeds and perfection would send an alert to her bank account?..

You can do better!

edoman2016:

This is exactly my problem with single mothers. They always play the victim card and claim innocent. The fault is always the ex-husband according to them.

You can see they are all happy to console her without questioning the woman's behaviour during the marriage as well.

Misery loves company.

You waltzed in to the wrong thread. I didn't see where the OP wrote that her ex-husband is evil and a wizard(you are the one doing so), nor any poster here mentioned the husband.

OP was overwhelmed and just needed a little encouragement, something that happens to even the happily married.

I don't know if it's cheap gossip/entertainment that you seek by probing her about her ex. It's not like she's begging for money, neither did she type that men/my ex are scum. She for now does not want to talk about her marriage or ex, deal with it.

It's apparent that some people stumbled on this thread to be voltrons. She must have dominated husband. She must have been a bad wife.

What exactly do you want to read to satisfy your curiosity?

The poster needs help and encouragement. She isn't asking for your one naira.

Even if she was a "bad wife" like some of you are expecting, what about the kids? Were they bad too?

If you have no words of encouragement, kindly read and pass.

fonzie2u:
Tell us what happened,its easy to play the victim,from ur story he left u and hes nt willing to com back.
Perhaps u hurt his ego.
Men are like elephants never try to dominate them,and even if u do they never forget.
M nt judgin u,but u write wit arrogance.A million and one things I guess u did to him.

GET LOST!

Radiants:


GET LOST!

Why the harsh words?

The guy may have asked a very genuine question albeit in a harsh manner...it doesn't mean we all should be harsh to him too.

@op...its not easy one bit....but if possible..explore the path of peace and get him to be financially responsible to his kids.....you can go through the lagos state ministry of women affairs at alausa...or you can send me a pm....He needs to be financially responsible to his kids no matter the issue at stake...those kids never asked to be brought forth..you guys took that decision and you guys MUST be financially responsive to their needs.

ifyalways:

You waltzed in to the wrong thread. I didn't see where the OP wrote that her ex-husband is evil and a wizard(you are the one doing so), nor any poster here mentioned the husband.

OP was overwhelmed and just needed a little encouragement, something that happens to even the happily married.

I don't know if it's cheap gossip/entertainment that you seek by probing her about her ex. It's not like she's begging for money, neither did she type that men/my ex are scum. She for now does not want to talk about her marriage or ex, deal with it.

How can a father abandon his own blood? No calls, emotional or financial commitment

Ify, these were the OP's words. And with them, she painted her husband as evil and a wizard. And yes, the fact that she mentioned he abandoned them without any care meant she wants to talk about him.

We can show or pretend to all the empathy in the world to her plight, but w shouldn't also pretend not to have seen many women take the kids always from their fathers in the hope of getting back at him (possibly block all communication channels) and then turn around to say he doesn't even care about his children. At least there's (or was) a thread here about a week ago or so where the man complained about his wife running off with the kids and cutting contact despite his attempts to get access to them.

So people asking about how it got to this stage aren't out of place. These were also her words: I know that I am not a perfect person but i know that i gave my all to my marriage to make it work but it didn't work out

So the question is, what did she do or not do. Hardly does any sane father deliberately abandoned his kids (not saying some don't) but it's wired in the biology of men to take care of their kids. So what is madam not telling us.

Tinamoore:
I just want to let out some of my pains and fesrs on this faceless forum .maybe it will give me some sort of relief.

I know that I am not a perfect person but i know that i gave my all to my marriage to make it work but it didn't work out.the whole thing is gradually wrecking me emotinally because of my two innocent children.

When I look back at the " good girl" life I have lived, I begin to wonder if its worth it.most times, I just want to do some "very bad things", so that the pains I passed through in my marriage will make sense to me. Why does bad things happen to good people.

Most times, I am scared if I am/ will make a good mother to my kids.can I successfully fill the vacuum of a father in their lives? Why my children? Why must they be caught in this web of ' single parenthood'.God!!! I am so scared of what the future holds for us.i worry about what will happen if my children dont turn out well.I try to be strong especially for my kids but at times I break down. This was never the plan I had for myself. What happened to my dreams?

For how long will I answer questions like: mummy, I want to speak with my daddy; mummy, why is daddy not living with us anymore; mummy, I miss my daddy.this are questions my children ask even though they haven't spent so much time with their father as he was abroad.In as much as I don't want to paint their father as a bad person, I also don't want to give them the impression that I am deliberately keeping them away from their father.so the questions get hard to answer.

How can a father abandon his own blood? No calls, emotional or financial commitment. I can deal with it, but its not easy for my kids.maybe its about the belief that" my children will eventually look for their father, their root".how about their education? Don't you care if your children are in school knowing fully well I am unemployed. God!! Please answer my prayers.

It's worse because I can't and will never go back to him. For if i do, he may cause me to commit suicide oneday. Twice , his actions made me raise knife to take my life. I loved him so much that he was my obsession. He was my first and only love.do I hate him now? No, I can never hate the one I once loved so much.I gave him time to change but it got worse.I know we all have our faults including me but not when a man makes his wife an " intimate stranger".

Life itself is not fair.so many questions and questions in my head that beg for answers.at times you need someone to just listen to you. At times i t gets too much for me that I just want to scream out loud.you cry so much and still don't feel any better.its worse because no one else truly knows what I am passing through emotionally.God bless my family for me but then my emotional pains is beyond them.

Do I feel any better writing this? honestly I don't know. Just want to write about how I am feeling. At times I want to loose faith/ hope in God but then I know its only him and myself that can help "me".

I am not new on nairaland.my old moniker is saponification but changed it when I lost my former email.

This got me in tears, but i believe you will be alright, thought it will be hard but you will survive, as someone mentioned here what matters most is the love you have for your kids, I have posted my story here before but i will, my dad died earlier and my mother had to manage 3 grown boys plus a step-child, not only that, she had to also fight our dad's people for our property and all. Fast forward today we all turned out well maybe not perfect but each of us at least can support her financially without her touching her wallet. Just focus on the kid and yourself and trust me when things are alright, that *man* will come and look for them at that time, it woud be up to you to decide how things go ? but one thing i know is that the shame he will have to bear for the rest of his life will haunt him, my father's people that took our property , they feel intimidated when next to my mother because despite taking all they are still nowhere. My outmost prayers goes out to you dear

Aquariann:


How can a father abandon his own blood? No calls, emotional or financial commitment

Ify, these were the OP's words. And with them, she painted her husband as evil and a wizard. And yes, the fact that she mentioned he abandoned them without any care meant she wants to talk about him.

We can show or pretend to all the empathy in the world to her plight, but w shouldn't also pretend not to have seen many women take the kids always from their fathers in the hope of getting back at him (possibly block all communication channels) and then turn around to say he doesn't even care about his children. At least there's (or was) a thread here about a week ago or so where the man complained about his wife running off with the kids and cutting contact despite his attempts to get access to them.

So people asking about how it got to this stage aren't out of place. These were also her words: I know that I am not a perfect person but i know that i gave my all to my marriage to make it work but it didn't work out

So the question is, what did she do or not do. Hardly does any sane father deliberately abandoned his kids (not saying some don't) but it's wired in the biology of men to take care of their kids. So what is madam not telling us.

human beings can really break your faith in humanity, I have step-brother who mother abandoned him, and when he wanted to meet her she wasn't interested because she had re-married and never told her new husband about him. You are right we only know one side but it's not beyond we humans.

Tinamoore:
I just want to let out some of my pains and fesrs on this faceless forum .maybe it will give me some sort of relief.

I know that I am not a perfect person but i know that i gave my all to my marriage to make it work but it didn't work out.the whole thing is gradually wrecking me emotinally because of my two innocent children.

When I look back at the " good girl" life I have lived, I begin to wonder if its worth it.most times, I just want to do some "very bad things", so that the pains I passed through in my marriage will make sense to me. Why does bad things happen to good people.

Most times, I am scared if I am/ will make a good mother to my kids.can I successfully fill the vacuum of a father in their lives? Why my children? Why must they be caught in this web of ' single parenthood'.God!!! I am so scared of what the future holds for us.i worry about what will happen if my children dont turn out well.I try to be strong especially for my kids but at times I break down. This was never the plan I had for myself. What happened to my dreams?

For how long will I answer questions like: mummy, I want to speak with my daddy; mummy, why is daddy not living with us anymore; mummy, I miss my daddy.this are questions my children ask even though they haven't spent so much time with their father as he was abroad.In as much as I don't want to paint their father as a bad person, I also don't want to give them the impression that I am deliberately keeping them away from their father.so the questions get hard to answer.

How can a father abandon his own blood? No calls, emotional or financial commitment. I can deal with it, but its not easy for my kids.maybe its about the belief that" my children will eventually look for their father, their root".how about their education? Don't you care if your children are in school knowing fully well I am unemployed. God!! Please answer my prayers.

It's worse because I can't and will never go back to him. For if i do, he may cause me to commit suicide oneday. Twice , his actions made me raise knife to take my life. I loved him so much that he was my obsession. He was my first and only love.do I hate him now? No, I can never hate the one I once loved so much.I gave him time to change but it got worse.I know we all have our faults including me but not when a man makes his wife an " intimate stranger".

Life itself is not fair.so many questions and questions in my head that beg for answers.at times you need someone to just listen to you. At times i t gets too much for me that I just want to scream out loud.you cry so much and still don't feel any better.its worse because no one else truly knows what I am passing through emotionally.God bless my family for me but then my emotional pains is beyond them.

Do I feel any better writing this? honestly I don't know. Just want to write about how I am feeling. At times I want to loose faith/ hope in God but then I know its only him and myself that can help "me".

I am not new on nairaland.my old moniker is saponification but changed it when I lost my former email.

@bolded
I hope mine is worth it at the end or lemme just start doing all the bad things and forget any expectation of having it worth it or not. (I tire for myself joor)

I can only imagine how you feel now.

shaybebaby:
I'm so sorry you are going through this @OP.
Yes it's not always going to be easy but you can take some solace that you are not alone, others have been through it and some are facing the same thing as we speak.

Since your union is dead, it's okay to mourn the loss of what could have been. But never ever think that's it, your best years for you and your little ones are yet to come.

I know it is heartbreaking to hear them ask for their dad, do not shatter their little hearts with the truth whilst they are too young. Tell them, daddy is busy finding himself but loves them. Take the time to reassure them that you will always be there for them.

Don't worry too much about being mum and dad, love them to the best of your ability and surely that will be enough.

Now is the time to decide the sort of future you want for yourself, refuse to be a victim of life. Reaffirm that you will never let another dictate the outcome of your life. This mindset will give you the strength to overcome challenges as they come.

I am a single parent too (ish as in divorced) with a son. Since the time it happened, I have cried, been frightened for the future but I have still forged ahead. In the middle of divorce proceedings, my child was diagnosed with autism, but I somehow managed to keep going, returned back to get a degree, graduated with a first class, bought my own home, found love again.

Maintaining a civil relationship with ex is tricky but I always tell my child his dad loves him and still make sacrifices daily so they can have a relationship.
I do not know what the future holds but each day, try to find a reason to be thankful. Give yourself credit for the littlest things you do for yourself and your kids. From keeping them safe for another day to making sure they do not go to bed hungry.

We often take these things for granted but they are enough reason to hope for better things. Stay strong mama bear.

@shaybebaby I am taken aback by your response. There were good responses before yours but yours hit the nail on the head.

@OP - I really do feel for you OP, but for the sake for your children and of yourself allow them to grow without anger/resentment against their father/world. If you can do this you will have a happier life. This is assuming you don't enter another relationship immediately. You also need support from family and counselling but remember your children are an amazing blessing. They love you and you are irreplaceable to THEM!

Tina Moore, how are you hun?

The last place a woman wants to be is to be a single parent, but then life happens. Dearie you will be fine although is not going to be a smooth ride , but brace up there's light at the end of the tunnel.
As others have said , get a job or start something no matter how little. I tell you what , your kids will grow up to be proud of you. They understand and are watching you please do not fail them.
Cry if you want to , take a bath and see a movie. Go out and make friends who are of strong characters. I sent my prayers

shaybebaby:
Tina Moore, how are you hun?

I am good dear but down emotionally. I sent you a pm.I need someone to talk to.

enabledgoddess:
The last place a woman wants to be is to be a single parent, but then life happens. Dearie you will be fine although is not going to be a smooth ride , but brace up there's light at the end of the tunnel.
As others have said , get a job or start something no matter how little. I tell you what , your kids will grow up to be proud of you. They understand and are watching you please do not fail them.
Cry if you want to , take a bath and see a movie. Go out and make friends who are of strong characters. I sent my prayers

Thanks dear.its just so hard.you cry so much at times and still don't feel any better.

So sorry for your situation. I can't claim to know what it feels like, but I know it will get better.

The good life you lived before marriage wasn't so that you have a good marriage per se.

It is so that when you draw your last breath and close your eyes to this side of existence you hope that the credit side outweighs the debit side when you open your eyes to the other side.

Wishing you the very best as you nurture and train your kids to be the best versions of themselves.

els0nm0rali:
So sorry for your situation. I can't claim to know what it feels like, but I know it will get better.

The good life you lived before marriage wasn't so that you have a good marriage per se.

It is so that when you draw your last breath and close your eyes to this side of existence you hope that the credit side outweighs the debit side when you open your eyes to the other side.

Wishing you the very best as you nurture and train your kids to be the best versions of themselves.

Thanks. Talking about the other side of existence, I sometimes wish I can just go over there .maybe I can be emotionally at rest there. I just manage to keep going for the sake of my kids.life is not just fair

Tinamoore:


Thanks. Talking about the other side of existence, I sometimes wish I can just go over there .maybe I can be emotionally at rest there. I just manage to keep going for the sake of my kids.life is not just fair

Naah. Not yet. Plenty time for that after you've raised your kids and helped them raised theirs too.

I'm sure you are stronger than you know. Take each day as it comes. Before you know it your kids are graduating from college and you are a proud grandmama.

Don't give up on those kids now. They need you now more than ever.

I know this sounds like empty platitudes but if you feel like crying, go into the bathroom and cry your heart out. It's good for the soul and for your eyes too. (Some of us don't get the opportunity to wash our eyeballs every now then, forming superman and wonder woman)

Clean your eyes and put on your best smile (for the sake of your kids, but more importantly for yourself) and be prepared to conquer the world. Be the woman that conquered the world with a smile.

You'll do fine, I'm sure. Now's the time to lean on the shoulders of close family and very close girlfriends.

After all said and done, you'll need to get a job o.

Wish you the very best.

els0nm0rali:


Naah. Not yet. Plenty time for that after you've raised your kids and helped them raised theirs too.

I'm sure you are stronger than you know. Take each day as it comes. Before you know it your kids are graduating from college and you are a proud grandmama.

Don't give up on those kids now. They need you now more than ever.

I know this sounds like empty platitudes but if you feel like crying, go into the bathroom and cry your heart out. It's good for the soul and for your eyes too. (Some of us don't get the opportunity to wash our eyeballs every now then, forming superman and wonder woman)

Clean your eyes and put on your best smile (for the sake of your kids, but more importantly for yourself) and be prepared to conquer the world. Be the woman that conquered the world with a smile.

You'll do fine, I'm sure. Now's the time to lean on the shoulders of close family and very close girlfriends.

After all said and done, you'll need to get a job o.

Wish you the very best.

Thanks so much for your encouraging and kind words.

Tinamoore:


Thanks so much for your encouraging and kind words.

You are most welcome.

Aquariann:


How can a father abandon his own blood? No calls, emotional or financial commitment

Ify, these were the OP's words. And with them, she painted her husband as evil and a wizard. And yes, the fact that she mentioned he abandoned them without any care meant she wants to talk about him.

We can show or pretend to all the empathy in the world to her plight, but w shouldn't also pretend not to have seen many women take the kids always from their fathers in the hope of getting back at him (possibly block all communication channels) and then turn around to say he doesn't even care about his children. At least there's (or was) a thread here about a week ago or so where the man complained about his wife running off with the kids and cutting contact despite his attempts to get access to them.

So people asking about how it got to this stage aren't out of place. These were also her words: I know that I am not a perfect person but i know that i gave my all to my marriage to make it work but it didn't work out

So the question is, what did she do or not do. Hardly does any sane father deliberately abandoned his kids (not saying some don't) but it's wired in the biology of men to take care of their kids. So what is madam not telling us.

She didn't force anyone to comment and not ready to talk about what happen, so why not save yourself the stress and overlook the thread. You mustn't comment please.

When people get married, they forget no condition is permanent but CHANGE! They also forget to forget to ALWAYS to have a PLAN B, PLAN C and PLAN D!

Especially in this day and age when marriages break up faster than wooden toothpicks.

Anyone going into a marriage without any alternative plan is delusional. You can wake up one day to find yourself single again WITH KIDS!

Depression has set in because marriage is a DO OR DIE AFFAIR to you. Instead of restructuring your life to nurture you and your kids, you are spending time to STAY IN MOURNING of a failed marriage. The man has moved on and here you are.

If a man never asks for his kids, you cannot force him to. The kids are your sole responsibility, so please WISE UP and SHAPE UP!

You are the only key to your peace of mind. You have to minimize the effect on your children by staying focused. Your plate is going to be FULL for a long time. . . . Please, get to work and take care of yourself and children ALONE!

The world is full of SINGLE MOTHERS! They are not dead! It is not the end of the world.

Good luck!

Take heart.

All will be well.

Take one day at time as others have advised.
Look for something doing so you wouldn't have to be lonely for a long period of time.

Don't neglect prayer too.
You will have to force yourself to pray as there may not be any motivation.

All will be well with you and your children in Jesus name , amen.

KanwuliaExtra:
When people get married, they forget no condition is permanent but CHANGE! They also forget to forget to ALWAYS to have a PLAN B, PLAN C and PLAN D!

Especially in this day and age when marriages break up faster than wooden toothpicks.

Anyone going into a marriage without any alternative plan is delusional. You can wake up one day to find yourself single again WITH KIDS!

Depression has set in because marriage is a DO OR DIE AFFAIR to you. Instead of restructuring your life to nurture you and your kids, you are spending time to STAY IN MOURNING of a failed marriage. The man has moved on and here you are.

If a man never asks for his kids, you cannot force him to. The kids are your sole responsibility, so please WISE UP and SHAPE UP!

You are the only key to your peace of mind. You have to minimize the effect on your children by staying focused. Your plate is going to be FULL for a long time. . . . Please, get to work and take care of yourself and children ALONE!

The world is full of SINGLE MOTHERS! They are not dead! It is not the end of the world.

Good luck!

Hmmm!!! Bitter truth.

I am finding it hard because the kind of love I have/ had for him is one that may not be completely erased till the day I breath my last.

Really love can be pain at times.

Thanks

greatcrown:
Take heart.

All will be well.

Take one day at time as others have advised.
Look for something doing so you wouldn't have to be lonely for a long period of time.

Don't neglect prayer too.
You will have to force yourself to pray as there may not be any motivation.

All will be well with you and your children in Jesus name , amen.

Thanks dear.

Tinamoore:


Hmmm!!! Bitter truth.

I am finding it hard because the kind of love I have/ had for him is one that may not be completely erased till the day I breath my last.

Really love can be pain at times.

Thanks

Indeed!
In that case, you have been CONNED!The reason “it hurts”! You failed to protect yourself.
Women like you go into marriage with a lot of fantastic ideas. Even when the HARD KNOCK of reality slaps you, you still keep dreaming.

Are you telling us you LOVE A MAN more than YOURSELF? WHERE IS HE NOW? With another woman BREEDING MORE KIDS! And here you are.


Mtcheeeeeeeeeeeeew!

Next time, make sure “your love” has some emotional BI-FOCALS in place, so you can always see CLEARLY, even when THE RAIN IS NOT GONE. This is 2018, not 2008!

Love is not to be wasted on nonentities. Put ALL the love on you and your kids. SIMPLE.

KanwuliaExtra:


Indeed!
In that case, you have been CONNED!The reason “it hurts”! You failed to protect yourself.
Women like you go into marriage with a lot of fantastic ideas. When the HARD KNOCK of reality slaps you, you still keep dreaming.

Are you telling us you LOVE A MAN more than YOURSELF? WHERE IS HE NOW? With another woman BREEDING MORE KIDS! And here you are.


Mtcheeeeeeeeeeeeew!

Next time, make sure “your love” has some emotional BI-FOCALS in place, so you can always see CLEARLY, even when THE RAIN IS NOT GONE. This is 2018, not 2008!

Love is not to be wasted on nonentities. Put ALL the love on you and your kids. SIMPLE.

@bolded, you don't even know me, and you can easily read me on a faceless forum.

Your words are food for thought to me.

KanwuliaExtra:
When people get married, they forget no condition is permanent but CHANGE! They also forget to forget to ALWAYS to have a PLAN B, PLAN C and PLAN D!

Especially in this day and age when marriages break up faster than wooden toothpicks.

Anyone going into a marriage without any alternative plan is delusional. You can wake up one day to find yourself single again WITH KIDS!

Depression has set in because marriage is a DO OR DIE AFFAIR to you. Instead of restructuring your life to nurture you and your kids, you are spending time to STAY IN MOURNING of a failed marriage. The man has moved on and here you are.

If a man never asks for his kids, you cannot force him to. The kids are your sole responsibility, so please WISE UP and SHAPE UP!

You are the only key to your peace of mind. You have to minimize the effect on your children by staying focused. Your plate is going to be FULL for a long time. . . . Please, get to work and take care of yourself and children ALONE!

The world is full of SINGLE MOTHERS! They are not dead! It is not the end of the world.

Good luck!

Standing ovation.
That's why I luff u
A

Tinamoore:


Hmmm!!! Bitter truth.

I am finding it hard because the kind of love I have/ had for him is one that may not be completely erased till the day I breath my last.

Really love can be pain at times.

Thanks

Many that have viewed this thread look at you with pity but that's not what you need. Don't allow life to happen to you rather happen to life. After several months you are still afraid of taking risks or facing the truth.

Like someone said this is 2018, very soon 2019. People are changing their life and taking positive decisions while you are crying and trying to overcome emotional reality. Cry from today till eternity, you can't heal the wound. Get up and do something.

Happen to life, don't allow life to happen to you

Tina,
Cry if you want but not for too long. Go for a very long hike. Make it daily too for some good quality time with yourself. Focus on your job, yourself and your children.
Try not to give in to despair as it is hard to come out of it. You have a whole new lifetime ahead of you...cheer up.