Nairaland Elders Chart a Way Out of the Middle East Crisis

The auditorium is full to capacity. There are elders, statesmen, diplomats, heads of state, generals, bishops, activists, jihadists, journalists, communists, professors, intellectual gymnasts, political philosophers, Catholics, Evangelical Christians, Moslems, and others.

Ban Ki-moon is unavoidably absent from and has paid MyJoe of Nairaland, the world’s leading Internet forum, to moderate the global loya jirga.

By the time everyone has spoken – the Israeli right, the Israeli left, the Israeli centre, the Israeli right-of-centre, the Israeli left-of-centre, Al-Fatah, Hamas, Islamic Jihad, Al Qayeeda, Hezbollah, the Americans, the UN Security Council, the Europeans, the Arab League, and the African Union – there is no solution in sight.

The first person to kick off the indaba was an American evangelist named Timothy Hunter. “The Palestinians,” he began, emphasizing every syllable he uttered with his right forefinger, “are trying to reap where they have not sown. The question, who owns the land? The Bible is clear: the land belongs to Israel. And there will be no peace if the will of God…”

“Shut up and sit down.” It was Muammar el-Gaddafi, leader of the Great Socialist People’s Libyan Arab Jamahiriya.

An argument followed, but MyJoe managed to calm rising tempers.

Avraham Burg, a veteran of the Israeli left, took the podium. “We should first lift the blockade. Then we should sit across the table with the Palestinians. We need to stop settlement activities and make some painful concessions that will lead to the creation of a State of Palestine in the West Bank and Gaza. Further discussions are needed on East Jerusalem. The Palestinians, on their part, must stop talking about the right of refugees to…”

The microphone was snatched from his hand by a 20-year-old student from the Bar-Ilan
University in Tel Aviv. “You are a woman!” he spat. “No, that’s a slur on Deborah, Jael and Golda Meir. Next, you will ask that we give up the Golan Heights. Look, we should kill every Palestinian just like Joshua did to their ancient cousins, the Jebusites and the Amorites! Remember Samson, Gideon, Jephthah, David and the others? It was Samson, one of us, who invented suicide bombing in Gaza, but now. . .”

It took eight minutes for the interloper to be bundled out and for MyJoe to restore order.

Ayman Al-Zawahiri of Al Qayeeda took the stage. With his flowing beard he looked handsome in his galabiya and many women can’t help admiring him. “The solution is to acquire a few nuclear bombs and discreetly plant them throughout Israel. Suicide bombing is good, but you only kill few at a time. But with nukes, Israel will be wiped off the map. That is the solution. Al Qayeeda is working on something in collaboration with our brother, the great President, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Very soon you shall hear from us. A Salam Aleikun.”

There was silence in the hall.

Avigdor Lieberman, Israeli Deputy Prime Minister and leader of Yisrael Bietenu, was next to speak. “I agree with the general idea that this problem has gone on for too long and a solution has to be found. I have the perfect solution. You see, Israel cannot give up its land. I have a right to live anywhere in the biblical land of Israel that I wish. So as I speak here, my secretaries are putting finishes touches to a bill to establish more settlements in Gaza and the West Bank. We will keep expanding these settlements. As we keep expanding, the space left for the Palestinians will keep shrinking. Then one day, they will wake up and find they have no space at all, except for a few tree tops and underground tunnels – that is, the trees that survived our missiles aimed at Hamas leaders and the underground tunnels we haven’t blocked. They will then have no option left than to stop making noise and scatter across the Middle East and the rest of the world. That way there will be peace. I know this will happen. It is easy. You see, we have the strongest army in the world, and the Palestinians and their Arab brothers are no match for us, and God is with us, so we can achieve this.”

By now there were shouts and boos from the Arab section.

But things soon calmed down and the AU’s representative, one Michael Otokiti, a Nigerian professor of war studies from Ife, took the stage. “You see,” he paused to clear his throat “the Palestinians cannot hope to win by suicide bombing. Why, you ask.” He paused again to push up his glasses and arrange some papers. “For the simple reason that they are dealing with a people who are themselves schooled in the art and science of terror; a people who have graduated from being common terrorists to a nuclear superpower…”

But no one was listening to him any longer. The hall had erupted and everyone stood up to give a rapturous ovation, as the one whom they had been waiting for was ushered into the hall. As the dark tall handsome young man leisurely made his way down the aisle, the ovation refused to die down. His tuxedo and reverse calf shoes look like they cost twenty-five hundred dollars to put together. It was rumoured his roll on was specially made for him by a company in Milan.

By the time he reaches the podium, his fellow Nairaland elders have taken the seats reserved for them. El Razur, Kabojunkie, Morpheus24, Sagamite, Tudor, Beaf, Texazzpate, Princekovo, Tayo-D, Cohomogoloy, RichyBlack and the others bring out their writing pads as they get ready for what they hope will be a rewarding evening. Remoe4real occasionally glances at a pocket map of the Middle East he holds in his left palm. Mariory adjusts his seat to beat Mama-Gee’s gele subverting his view of the podium. JeSoul is looking cool and radiant in a corner, saying little or nothing, although missing nothing. She is more concerned about the expansion of free feeding programmes rumours have it some left winger is planning to slam on the table in the Massachusetts Senate in flagrant inattention to the budget deficit. Frosbel refuses to sit, despite entreaties from Dayokanu. He remains standing near a door with a serious look on his face. Deep Sight, Mad Max, Mazaje and Bawomolo used to be interested in this matter. Anyone seen them around?

MyJoe shakes hands with the guest and introduces him.
Ladies and gentlemen. A Nigerian proverb has it that the giant rat, a.k.a. the rabbit, does not venture out in the daytime for nothing. But a time does come when out in the daytime that nocturnal furry mammal not only venture but skank about. So whenever that time comes when general talking by everyone fails, we seek out one who is known to be capable of addressing the matter at hand. That is why we are gathered here – to tap one of the best brains around. When an animal is itching, it goes to a tree. But when a man is itching, he goes to another man. I now present to you a man who has travelled the world. A man with a razor-sharp intellect, a razor-sharp tongue, and razor-sharp fingers. A man who knows what he wants and never shies away from speaking his mind. A man of learning and practical wisdom. A scientist, dialectical logician, Bible scholar, political sage, and Judeo-Christian philosopher. Ladies and gentlemen, Davidylan, Ph.D.

Let's move out of "who did what in international waters" to the solution phase. What is the way out of the Middle East Crisis?

lol!!!!

^^^
I'm waiting for your road map, David. In clear terms. 

the road map has been clear from day 1.

^^^ I'm ignorant of it. School me.

^^^ I'm ignorant of it. School me.

Unfortunately, so is davidylan. All he does is post ridiculous assertions void of basis and logic, then reverts to vile verbal diarrhoea when challenged. Well, I'm off to stuff my face, i will post my hypothesis afterwards!

davidylan,

Is firmly pro-Israel and his road map will be totally useless.

The only solution is to send all Palestinians to their legitimate state of Jordan.

That’s where they all came from in the first place !!

The Jews should be given a part of Idaho to live in. Idaho is a decent place to live.



Present-day Israel should then be declared Palestine.

Some writeup, MyJoe.

davidylan:

the road map has been clear from day 1.

This appears face saving. No, it's frightening, if it's what I'm thinking. I have read your back posts on this issue and it would be a shame if you have no ideas at all how to get out of the situation. But what would really scare me is if all you have inside your mind is unconditional support for Israel without any ideas on how the situation might be resolved.

@OP
I personally would go with the proposals put on the table at Camp David II by Bill Clinton as a starting point. I mean what we currently know of the proposals. You know, a Palestinian state at the West Bank and Gaza, with some of East Jerusalem as capital.

Romeo4real:

Well, I'm off to stuff my face, i will post my hypothesis afterwards!

Ok.

Cohomology:

The Jews should be given a part of Idaho to live in. Idaho is a decent place to live.



Present-day Israel should then be declared Palestine.

I hope you realise the Israelis aren't likely to agree to this, not least because of notions about "home", a notion common to all humans. Idahoans might also kick. Might we think of something everyone will read and say, "Ok, I will digest this and get back to  you on it"?

Googler:

This appears face saving. No, it's frightening, if it's what I'm thinking. I have read your back posts on this issue and it would be a shame if you have no ideas at all how to get out of the situation. But what would really scare me is if all you have inside your mind is unconditional support for Israel without any ideas on how the situation might be resolved.

I think David will respond yet. This is a matter he is passionate about.

Googler:

@OP
I personally would go with the proposals put on the table at Camp David II by Bill Clinton as a starting point. I mean what we currently know of the proposals. You know, a Palestinian state at the West Bank and Gaza, with some of East Jerusalem as capital.

Camp David II is a complex matter, and there seems to be so many unrealistic analyses of it about. A lot remains unknown about those proposals and I won't claim any expert knowledge of them, but they are known to include the matters you stated above. It is also known that Arafat said "No" without bringing forth definite counter proposals of his own. Now, that is "scaring". But why would he do that? I think there were serious issues with those proposals he would have found difficult to sell to any Palestinian. A lot is said about Jerusalem and refugees. I think Barak was flexible on the matter of Jerusalem. One serious issue in the proposals was this idea of having intricate, non-contiguous borders just so Israel could keep isolated settlements. Don't forget too the stringent military conditions like, "The state will not have army with heavy weapons." Perhaps you can flesh things out, Googler.

Jerusalem is the eternal and permanent capital of Israel.

Cannot be divided.


Joel 3 : 2

New Living Translation (©2007)
I will gather the armies of the world into the valley of Jehoshaphat. There I will judge them for harming my people, my special possession, for scattering my people among the nations, and for dividing up my land.

@frosbel

The only solution is to send all Palestinians to their legitimate state of Jordan. That’s where they all came from in the first place !!

This is a new thread, created for mature adults to discuss a real problem. Please, do not come and spoil it with your juvenile "jump around" antics!

mature adults

You ?   

there's no solution to the middle east crisis because the problem started thousands of years ago, and ALL the main actors are dead but the memories are still fresh as if it all happened yesterday.

any "solution" at this present time is a bandage and wouldnt be a permanent one.

@frosbel; « #12 on: Today at 01:25:47 PM »  

Jerusalem is the eternal and permanent capital of Israel.  
Cannot be divided.

lets just assume that this is a possibility. the sebsequent outcome is that masjid Aqsa will be demolished, along with the dome of the rock. but with the rage that the jews hate christendom, church of the nifity [my spelling may be wrong], the holy selpucher, and the others including all relics of the so called son of god will be gone, too. now what will the christian do when this happens? incidentally, the muslims still hold the key, the opening of door and closing of the same door of one of the most important churches in christenity. with all the kindness of the jews, they are always too happy to see the christians fight one another, opening opportunities to ruffen up some of your leadership. go figure.

Joel 3 : 2

New Living Translation  (©2007)
I will gather the armies of the world into the valley of Jehoshaphat. There I will judge them for harming my people, my special possession, for scattering my people among the nations, and for dividing up my land.

where is the valley of jehoshaphat ? do palestinians, muslims and christians among them have anything to do with this, the reason they could be suffering from the hands of israel, today? what do the muslim have to do with this, considering that from madina period onward, islam nations have fostered jews as well as christians?

maybe the world here is not including muslims. special possession snd my people cant for God will not involve evil and disobedient people who do not even belief in God. maybe you need to know that a good number of israeli elites are pork eaters, intentionally disobeying God's Instructions to them. stop acting ignorant because the zionists dont care about you, except that they know that you will fight for them in your collective guilt based on holocaust and your assumption that they are of the same nature as your human god, Jesus son of mary the virgin before his birth.

@tipia: « #15 on: Today at 03:37:21 PM »

there's no solution to the middle east crisis because the problem started thousands of years ago, and ALL the main actors are dead but the memories are still fresh as if it all happened yesterday.

any "solution" at this present time is a bandage and wouldnt be permanent one.

Tell me who represented Palestinians in the scene and what was his role that got the Jews as they are now called instead of Israelites, the more appropriate and correct name?

Cohomology:

The Jews should be given a part of Idaho to live in. Idaho is a decent place to live.

why? They've called areas like Jerusalem, nazareth, bethlehem, capernaum (places that are clearly jewish in name and origin and have NOTHING to do with arabs) home for over 1000 yrs . . . why shld we now send them to Idaho? Should we send Yorubas to Guinea now?

Cohomology:

Present-day Israel should then be declared Palestine.

When it was first called Palestine in AD 132, there were no arabs there.

Googler:

Some writeup, MyJoe.
This appears face saving. No, it's frightening, if it's what I'm thinking. I have read your back posts on this issue and it would be a shame if you have no ideas at all how to get out of the situation. But what would really scare me is if all you have inside your mind is unconditional support for Israel without any ideas on how the situation might be resolved.

Stupid. We've been at this debate for at least 4 yrs on this threads. Google and see for yourself. We've enumerated the way forward for centuries way before people like you suddenly showed up and started noticing "frightening" stuff. That i cant be half-assed to waste my time repeating the same points over and over and over again to those who are deliberately blinded to the truth does not mean i have no ideas at all.

Googler:

@OP
I personally would go with the proposals put on the table at Camp David II by Bill Clinton as a starting point. I mean what we currently know of the proposals. You know, a Palestinian state at the West Bank and Gaza, with some of East Jerusalem as capital.

puerile. The Jews accepted this proposal, even at the cost of Yitzak Rabin, the Arabs responded with the intifada. Go figure.

davidylan:

silly. We've been at this debate for at least 4 yrs on this threads. Google and see for yourself. We've enumerated the way forward for centuries way before people like you suddenly showed up and started noticing "frightening" stuff. That i cant be half-assed to waste my time repeating the same points over and over and over again to those who are deliberately blinded to the truth does not mean i have no ideas at all.

What I've seen of you are arguments over who is right or wrong, arguments you are content to repeat over and over again.

davidylan:

puerile. The Jews accepted this proposal, even at the cost of Yitzak Rabin, the Arabs responded with the intifada. Go figure.

Rabin was dead by Camp David II. Camp David II was a new document, not exactly what Rabin put forward. From what I have read of you though, I doubt you would accept that proposal, the one you say cost Rabin. That is why it will be interesting to read your ideas. Anyway, if you prefer the heated sessions about who's wrong or right, that's your prerogative. Enjoy yourself.

I saw the title, and it brought out a chuckle from me . . . "solution to the middle east crisis" - a statement full of oxymorons if I ever saw one lol.

Then I waka enter thread make I see wetin people dey talk and to my suprise a beautiful, entertaining write-up from the briliiant MyJoe. Who else can put together a story featuring the words "Ahmedinejad, Bible, Tuxedo, Mama-gee, Gele - and then top it off with a Nigerian proverb   lol. MyJoe, mad kudos brotha! mad kudos.

As for the ME. They've been fighting since abrahimic times, come futuristic times, they will still be fighting. Unfortunately, "a lasting solution to the ME crisis" is nothing more than a poor man's pipe dream.

Googler:

What I've seen of you are arguments over who is right or wrong, arguments you are content to repeat over and over again.

What really have you seen? I dont seriously post proposals anymore . . . folks here are ideologically divided, it doesnt matter what you say . . . Israel is always wrong. period. For some . . . only the destruction of Israel will do.

Googler:

Rabin was dead by Camp David II. Camp David II was a new document, not exactly what Rabin put forward. From what I have read of you though, I doubt you would accept that proposal, the one you say cost Rabin. That is why it will be interesting to read your ideas. Anyway, if you prefer the heated sessions about who's wrong or right, that's your prerogative. Enjoy yourself.

My bad. The Oslo accords cost Rabin his life . . . the camp david accord ended with the second intifada by yasser arafat. Like i said . . . to some of you reason, logic and facts dont matter. The destruction of Israel is your driving goal. Whether i accept the proposal or not DOES NOT MATTER . . . what matters is that AS USUAL (1948, 1967, 1973, 1978, 1993, 2000), Israel ACCEPTED all proposals which were soundly rejected by the arabs. Go figure.

I personally would go with the proposals put on the table at Camp David II by Bill Clinton as a starting point.

davidylan:

puerile. The Jews accepted this proposal, even at the cost of Yitzak Rabin, the Arabs responded with the intifada. Go figure.

After the failure of the Camp David talks during which Ehud Barak (a Yitzak Rabin type politician) really went out on a limb only for Arafat to walk away from any sort of agreement, concrete or otherwise, I realized that this issue was just a merry go round. Then once the intifada started after he returned home (to a hero reception for rejecting a sensible compromise, imagine) I stopped paying attention. Some people love peace, but unfortunately they love fighting more.

MyJoe:

Ladies and gentlemen. A Nigerian proverb has it that the giant rat, a.k.a. the rabbit, does not venture out in the daytime for nothing. But a time does come when out in the daytime that nocturnal furry mammal not only venture but skank about. So whenever that time comes when general talking by everyone fails, we seek out one who is known to be capable of addressing the matter at hand. That is why we are gathered here – to tap one of the best brains around. When an animal is itching, it goes to a tree. But when a man is itching, he goes to another man. I now present to you a man who has travelled the world. A man with a razor-sharp intellect, a razor-sharp tongue, and razor-sharp fingers. A man who knows what he wants and never shies away from speaking his mind. A man of learning and practical wisdom. A scientist, dialectical logician, Bible scholar, political sage, and Judeo-Christian philosopher. Ladies and gentlemen, Davidylan, Ph.D.

I have always said to anyone who cares to listen that the middle east peace envoy is not complete without him.

@topic,

There is only one solution to the ME crisis. Even Hamas and the rest of their sympathisers here will agree with me that the region we refer to as Palestine is what is refered to in muslim circles as an Islamic waqf consecrated for future generations of muslims until judgement day.  Just like Mecca and Medina, non-believers cannot be allowed to step foot on any part of that sacred land. 

We know how stubborn these Isrealis are, and we know that they are not ready to pack their loads and move to the US, Poland and Germany as recently suggested by no less than Helen Thomas.  Even though their ancestors lived in the land long before there was any religion known as Islam, the reasonable thing is expect these people to forgo their ancestral heritage even though there is no record that they ever sold the land to the Arabs who migrated there.

What I am trying to say is eloquently captured thus in Hamas charter: "There is no solution for the Palestinian question except through Jihad. Initiatives, proposals and international conferences are all a waste of time and vain endeavors." - http://www.mideastweb.org/hamas.htm

I have a feeling that this thread is nothing short of "a waste of time and vain endeavors."

Tayo-D:

What I am trying to say is eloquently captured thus in Hamas charter: "There is no solution for the Palestinian question except through Jihad. Initiatives, proposals and international conferences are all a waste of time and vain endeavors." - http://www.mideastweb.org/hamas.htm

BULLSEYE! Pure and Simple!

=====
But please don't let that get in the way of Israel bashing. You guys know who you are. Left the dancing continue.

In other news,

No motion to condem this at the UN? Where are the nairaland "human right" warriors? Is this not occupation? Is this not a war crime?

Iranian troops have been shelling the region for at least 12 days in pursuit of Kurdish rebels, according to Lt. Saleh Ahmed of the Kurdish security forces. He said Iranian artillery killed a 14-year-old girl and wounded three villagers on May 30. Iranian troops with artillery and tanks crossed the Iraqi border last Thursday and began building an outpost and a road leading back into the Iranian side of the border, he said.

Sharif Mohammed, a tomato farmer in Haj Omran, said his 8-year old son was injured in a shelling attack this week.

Yahoo News

@Mariory -

BULLSEYE! Pure and Simple!

Err, there are many quotes and statements from Israeli leaders, rabbis, mayors, and politicians that allude to much the same thing with regards to the Palestinians. Or is it only "BULLSEYE" when Hamas says stuff like this?

Mariory:

In other news,

No motion to condem this at the UN? Where are the nairaland "human right" warriors? Is this not occupation? Is this not a war crime?
Yahoo News

Stick to the topic you slowpoke.

You don't have the powers to dictate to people what stories or posts to respond to and you will never have such powers. Seems you are feeling bad for supporting evil and killing of innocent people, is that it?

@Afam

I don't think the UN, the middle east peace envoy combined with the the Goldstein report know what they are talking about. They are simply wasting time.

All we need is to merge Davidylan suggestions, you know all these his 1964 theories (he never misses it) then we bring that your friends explanation (you the one whose name starts with a T and ends with a D), gbam middle east don solve be that. 

Arabs go think say na magic. Isrealis would ask themselves what they have been thinking.

@MyJoe

I take this time to commend you, you got some head on your shoulders.