QUE`SHIQUE:

The following Biblical text says it all, Genesis 2:24 "Therefore shall a man leave his

father and his mother , and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.'

Ah yes, the naija female national anthem,

apparently some men have never heard it still.

@poster,

So was mine!  I gradually cured him of the madness.  Are you not a woman, just like the mother?  Then you do not know your job! Don't marrerrrrrrrrrrr if all 3 of you are sleeping on the same bed. A wife that knows her job always wins!

Please, google it for further education.

_{People should not get married if they are not ready I swear!}

almondjoy:

@poster,

So was mine! I gradually cured him of the madness. Are you not a woman, just like the mother? Then you do not know your job! Don't marrerrrrrrrrrrr if all 3 of you are sleeping on the same bed. A wife that knows her job always wins!

Please, google it for further education.

_{People should not get married if they are not ready I swear!}

Una don come again!


I don't know what it is about you women that whenever issue of MIL is brought up, the next thing is to make reference to bedroom or SOME WOMEN HERE will ask the man to phock his mother.

Wetin now?

Is bedroom all there is to marriage?

Is a wife nothing but a glorified phock buddy?

See all the insults you girls have heaped on this guy's mother WITHOUT hearing her own side of the story or even the man's side. Because your fellow woman came here to yab her hubby and his mum, una don turn to judge, jury and executioner without hearing the other side of the story.

If men begin making derogatory reference to the wife's mother or parents whenever there is any little agro between the couple, what will that marriage turn into?

If guys r always asking you women to phock your father whenever there is agro with your MIL, una go dey vex anyhow.

Abeg respect peoples' mother. She gave us life - you didn't. Big difference. We can always get another wife [in a jiffy sef] but never another mother.

Asking a man to phock his mother is the ultimate insult to him and greatest height of disrespect to his mother.

Any woman who dares say that to me cannot be my wife and must leave my house that very day.

@ AJ - please tell her ooo! You people should know that when the wifey comes, the mother moves to second position. Ah ahn! How can one be fighting with her mother-in-law for husband again?

@ blacklion, I knew you would talk. Men hardly have as much problem with their Mother-in-laws than girls do. A woman is more attached to her son than her daughter so it's easier for her to hands off. But women and their sons - it's a longtime thing. They would always want to remain in their sons' lives till Kingdom come.
A woman has to fight to have her man so that they would really know where they all stand.

j-girl,

yes, i gotta talk b/c i just hate when women demand the respect which is their due from their hubby to his wife but they reserve the right to insult the hubby's mother anyhow when there is agro. There must always be agro in every human relationship but America did not drop nuclear bomb on Castro all these years. Asking a man to phock his mum is a nuclear bomb.

Wife and mother each have their own role. Yes, there is tendency of women to compete and have rivalry. I think most MIL/DIL issues have more to do with innate female rivalry than with women wanting to hold on to their sons. It also seems that there is a genetic code in naija women that once they marry, they must make sure to provoke quarrel with MIL and SIL until those ones surrender and acknowledge the wife as the new queen.

Ever since I became active on nairaland a couple of months back, I noticed that there is a group [dunno whether its the same person with multiple handles] that is forever using the most extreme and provocative language whenever issues of marriage come up. They demonize men as if we are all spawn of Satan along with our mother. I wonder if these girls are married or will ever marry. Since they hate naija men so much, why don't they just leave us alone and marry white men?

blacklion:

Una don come again!


I don't know what it is about you women that whenever issue of MIL is brought up, the next thing is to make reference to bedroom or SOME WOMEN HERE will ask the man to phock his mother.

Wetin now?

Is bedroom all there is to marriage?

Is a wife nothing but a glorified phock buddy?


Abeg respect peoples' mother. She gave us life - you didn't. Big difference. We can always get another wife [in a jiffy sef] but never another mother.

Asking a man to phock his mother is the ultimate insult to him and greatest height of disrespect to his mother.

Any woman who dares say that to me cannot be my wife and must leave my house that very day.

As you can see, the poster's husband no get house.  He lives with his mother.  All this one you are typing here is just noise.  Even if I am married to you and you are living in your mother's house, I will still prove to you that I am THE most important woman in your life--just as my husband is the most important man in my life not my father. You need to be able to differentiate between present tense and past tense.  Men like you are the kinds that make marriage diffucult for women because you have never learn to prioritize.  Women like me are meant to teach you some serious lessons so watch out for one!

j-girl:

@ AJ - please tell her ooo! You people should know that when the wifey comes, the mother moves to second position. Ah ahn! How can one be fighting with her mother-in-law for husband again?

@ blacklion, I knew you would talk. Men hardly have as much problem with their Mother-in-laws than girls do. A woman is more attached to her son than her daughter so it's easier for her to hands off. But women and their sons - it's a longtime thing. They would always want to remain in their sons' lives till Kingdom come.
A woman has to fight to have her man so that they would really know where they all stand.

@j-girl
I say the poster does not know her job. Her weakness will be her own undoing real soon when both the husband and MIL kick her arse out of the house and bring in wives #2-10! As for blacklion?  Leave that one. God saves those kinds of men for women like us.  He sabi throw women out abi--yet you no get house dey live with your mama! Okay na.  Power pass power I swear.

@poster
I say you do not know your job!  Go to www.google.yahoo to find out how not to be a "weak" wife.  The biggest problem you have is your lilly-livered husband not your MIL.

blacklion:

j-girl,

yes, i gotta talk b/c i just hate when women demand the respect which is their due from their hubby to his wife but they reserve the right to insult the hubby's mother anyhow when there is agro. There must always be agro in every human relationship but America did not drop nuclear bomb on Castro all these years. Asking a man to phock his mum is a nuclear bomb.

Wife and mother each have their own role. Yes, there is tendency of women to compete and have rivalry. I think most MIL/DIL issues have more to do with innate female rivalry than with women wanting to hold on to their sons. It also seems that there is a genetic code in naija women that once they marry, they must make sure to provoke quarrel with MIL and SIL until those ones surrender and acknowledge the wife as the new queen.

Ever since I became active on nairaland a couple of months back, I noticed that there is a group [don't know whether its the same person with multiple handles] that is forever using the most extreme and provocative language whenever issues of marriage come up. They demonize men as if we are all spawn of Satan along with our mother. I wonder if these girls are married or will ever marry. Since they hate naija men so much, why don't they just leave us alone and marry white men?

That's the thing, a lot of mother-in-laws have issues leaving their sons for their wives. It is bound to come out somehow as aggression. The women feel compelled to fight for their men and after you get married and stuff, the last thing you want to do is to struggle for your husband's affection because you would think that by marrying him, you've already fought the last of your battles. It's frustrating for women too, think of it that way. That's why there are a lot of people bashing Mother-in-laws nowadays. They just want to get it over with and establish their positions in the house.

I know the kind of people you are referring to and personally, I have no problem with naija men except that they misbehave quite often. These people have suffered in the hands of naija men and it is kind of difficult not to generalize. Most of them want to marry their own naija "perfect" men but they don't know that there is no such thing as a perfect naija dude. Marrying a white man would be harder for a lot of them.

Modification:
AJ, I tire. I even recommend the poster to watch a naija movie - What went wrong?- nobody will tell her twice what to do. Her husband gan sef needs a little manning up. Every man should be able to quietly separate his wife from his mother.

blacklion:

j-girl,

yes, i gotta talk b/c i just hate when women demand the respect which is their due from their hubby to his wife but they reserve the right to insult the hubby's mother anyhow when there is agro. .

Asking a man to phock his mum is a nuclear bomb.

Wife and mother each have their own role.

I think most MIL/DIL issues have more to do with innate female rivalry than with women wanting to hold on to their sons.

Ever since I became active on nairaland a couple of months back, I noticed that there is a group [don't know whether its the same person with multiple handles] that is forever using the most extreme and provocative language whenever issues of marriage come up.

They demonize men as if we are all spawn of Satan along with our mother. I wonder if these girls are married or will ever marry. Since they hate naija men so much, why don't they just leave us alone and marry white men?

Obviously you have had issues from other threads and decided to transplant them here. No wise for any person at all. Frankly, I think your mindset is dangerous and you seek to resolve your problems with specific members of Nairaland.  Good luck with your jihad.  I just read the whole thread and no one said anything about "phocking any one mother" here.  Even if it was written, you look the other way and wish them well.  It is called freedom of expression ok? We are not in the village here.

It is only with villagers you find this MIL/DIL rivalry you so disgustingly referred to. Only an evil woman will pitch her DIL against her husband. And only a jobless, insecure wife will discourage her husband's love for his parents. What is the rivalry about? Do not even make me go there ok? I am just exercising restraint not to type a lot of shit concerning this sickening rivalry you are referring to.  All for men like the poster's husband to feel like a local champion with all the sick attention he is getting instead of thinkin' of way to move out of his mother's house. He is too busy causing trouble all over a house he does not even own.  What a man?

_{Restraining maself with great effort, smoke coming out of ma ears!}

What role other than supportive is the MIL supposed to be assuming if I may ask you?  If she wants to help them, fine.  That help should not be a "Trojan Horse" with strings attached to cause destruction in the marriage.  With that mugu of a husband who has no shame.

j-girl:


It's frustrating for women too, think of it that way. That's why there are a lot of people bashing Mother-in-laws nowadays. They just want to get it over with and establish their positions in the house.

I know the kind of people you are referring to and personally, I have no problem with naija men except that they misbehave quite often. These people have suffered in the hands of naija men and it is kind of difficult not to generalize. Most of them want to marry their own naija "perfect" men but they don't know that there is no such thing as a perfect naija dude. Marrying a white man would be harder for a lot of them.

Modification:
AJ, I tire. I even recommend the poster to watch a naija movie - What went wrong?- nobody will tell her twice what to do. Her husband gan sef needs a little manning up. Every man should be able to quietly separate his wife from his mother.

I say the woman does not know her job. She will soon learn a very big lesson and come back to Nairaland. I personally do not have any problem with the mother-in-law. I say it is all the man's fault. No bones, no brains, no liver, no kidney, no lungs, no balls! Infact he is a living corpse with all his organs eaten by termites.

I have done it.  Just leave the house for all of them.  No be the man eye im go take remove im mama from the house go find our own house or remove im mama from HER own house FOR US! Just told him if he wants to see me, he should come to ma hotel room. He learned his lesson sharp sharp! That will be the last time he will try such rubbish.  Now if any in-law visits from either side of the family, it is limited to 2 weeks unless it is a medical emergency  The reason I say women should work and have some kind of financial independence.

Rubbish!

I say who born monkey?

almondjoy:

It is only with villagers you find this MIL/DIL rivalry you so disgustingly referred to. Only an evil woman will pitch her DIL against her husband. What is the rivalry about? Do not even make me go there ok? I am just exercising restraint not to type a lot of shit concerning this sickening rivalry you are referring to. All for men like the poster's husband to feel like a local champion with all the sick attention he is getting instead of thinkin' of way to move out of his mother's house.

I say I have done it. I left the house for all of them. No be the man eye im take remove im mama from the house! Just told him if he wants to see me, he should come to ma hotel room. He learned his lesson sharp sharp! That was the last time he tried such rubbish. Now when any in-law visits, the maximum is 2 weeks on either side of the family, except it is medically necessary. The reason I say women should work and have some kind of financial independence.

Rubbish!

I say who born monkey?

Sharp answer! The men themselves love being pampered on both sides of the fence. The way you left probably cleared his mind about what he should do

j-girl:

Sharp answer! The men themselves love being pampered on both sides of the fence. The way you left probably cleared his mind about what he should do

The reason I say she does not know her job  Anyone that ventures into marriage should be ready to pack it up at any time.  You have to put your feet down to make it work most of the time.  Be ready to leave at any time if the stress and wahala gets too much.

I say his mind will clear like spring water after dealing with him.  If he does not care too bad. Make the marriage scatter like akara for inside ororo! How can my own husband gang up against me with his relatives? Even if I am a witch?

It cannot happen I say. It cannot happen! I would not treat him like that.

AJ,

Did I cal your name/handle - abi guilty conscience dey worry you? E be like sey na "out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaketh forth, ' wey dey work here,

It is only with villagers you find this MIL/DIL rivalry you so disgustingly referred to. Only an evil woman will pitch her DIL against her husband. And only a jobless, insecure wife will discourage her husband's love for his parents.

This is so untrue and shows how long ago you left naija or how disconnected from the reality of village women you are - just like most educated, urban women.

The worst MIL/DIL rivalry actually occurs among the wealthy elite in naija simply because there is so much more at stake - land, houses in naija and abroad, money - and also becasue you have a lot of wealthy idle women whose only occupation is being a socialite. Lagos is a classical example especially among the Lagos indigene landowning and socialite families - despite the fact that they marry among themselves, yet they have the worst MIL/DIL stories that I have ever heard in my entire life.

FYI, rural women are NOT jobless at all. In fact, in comparison with urban, educated women, illiterate village women work far, far harder and have less time for idle gossip. Village women work in farms from sun-up to sundown with babies on their backs. They trek several kilometres per day to and fro to fetch water from streams with babies on their backs and clay pots on their heads. The village woman must still look after kids, clean her home, cook and yet be a wife to her husband. She will also manually cut, scrape and fry cassava into gari and mazi into pap - all by hand with babies on her back and in her tummy.

In contrast, it is urban educated women who have the idle time to gossip with office colleagues, who have access to phones to call friends to gist, who have access to internet to stereotype MIL. After all, their kids are at daycare or nursery school with nanny after school. Nobody asked them to cut cassava and fry gari when they get home from work.



Maybe except in Agenebode

@ poster -

1. you erred by not encouraging your husband to move out of the house before getting married

2. if he's one of these lagos boys that don't see why they should pay rent when their father has a house or houses in lagos, then you must get your husband to protect you from his mum as long as both of you are in that house

3. if his family own other properties in lagos, ask your husband to give quit notice to one of the tenants and then you guys move into that house


many lagos boys whose fathers own lots of real estate are the ones who are very reluctant to pay rent in lagos. i know so many like that. their wives have cried and complained till they are blue in the face but my guys just can't bring themselves to pay rent in lagos. at best, they can only move out to another family property

j-girl:

Men hardly have as much problem with their Mother-in-laws than girls do. A woman is more attached to her son than her daughter so it's easier for her to hands off. But women and their sons - it's a longtime thing. They would always want to remain in their sons' lives till Kingdom come.
A woman has to fight to have her man so that they would really know where they all stand.

j-babe,

I think men hardly have as much problem with their Mother-in-laws substantially because its a male-female relationship. so no rivalry there as hubby and mummy play different but complementary roles in a woman's life. Also, any sensible man who loves his wife will or should also love or at least respect the woman who brought his wife to this world, raised her right and shaped her character into the woman he fell in love with and married.

In my experience, I observe that, most women will go out of their way to cultivate their son-in-law's love and be extra nice to him just so that the daughter's marriage will be smooth. They will call the SIL pet names, always hailing him, offer to cook special dish etc, etc. But on the other hand, the same woman that goes out of her way to please her SIL will not do the same for her DIL. In fact, they feel its their DIL who has to make the effort to win their love. If she doesn't constantly call them, keep in touch, buy them stuff, wait on them hand and foot, cook special dish etc, etc, they will take offence.

Mothers are attached to their kids in different ways. Many women play a very active but subtle role in their daughter's household. I think SUBTLE is the key difference. The woman is primarily involved in that house through her daughter and so automaticaly has more scope of freedom since the married woman is the mistress of the house. If the daughter while rushing to work, forgets to dish breakfast for her mum, the mum will simply enter the kitchen freely and take whatever she likes - her daughter won't complain. In fact, when she gets home, she will be apologizing to her mum for forgetting to put food for her. But if the wife while rushing to work, forgets to dish breakfast for her MIL, the MIL will take it as a deliberate slight and any [or all] of the following may happen -

1. the MIL will go on protest hunger strike until her son comes home and she reports the wife. husband-and-wife quarrel will start from there

2. the MIl may not say anything but will quietly nurse a grudge. eventually, the entire extended family will hear that she was starved and ill-treated by her DIIL when she visited

3. if the MIL enters the kitchen and uses the tomato the wife was keeping for the kids pasta that night to make omelette for herself, the wife will forget that the old woman was hungry and there was no one at home to tell her that the tomato was reserved for kids pasta and from there quarrel between wife and MIL will start with wife complaining that MIl enters her kitchen, fridge and cooking pot anyhow!

MIL and DIL relationship is more direct and is female-female. No matter how educated or enlightened, that element of innate female rivalry must come in. This is why most sensible men will keep their wife and mother as far apart from each other as possible because there is always a smouldering tension between MIL and DIL which requires very little to spark it off.


Women get too much wahala. That's the primary reason why I can never be a polygamist

There is a popular mythology among SOME naija women [which is also promoted by some feminists] that the primary basis of MIL/DIL rivalry is over control of the hubby's pocket b/c the son is the mother's pension, social security and health insurance. According to this theory [which AJ appears to be pushing here], this is why MIL/DIL rivalry is prevalent among the poor villagers. The adherents of this viewpoint trivialize the aspect of innate female rivalry which I mentioned above.

But how do you explain the following phenomena?

a. why is it that in a university hostel, you can put 10 guys in in one small, tight hostel room and they'll be the best of buddies even years after they graduate; but put just 2 girls in the same room and they'll won't be on speaking terms by the end of the semester?

b. why is it that when a man takes a girl to a fancy restaurant, the waitress will be all nice and polite to the guy but giving his date attitude? but a waiter will serve both of them without any attitude?

c. you're driving with your babe and you stop at a gas station; you [the guy] asks the male attendant to hep him buy a bottle of water in the shop and the boy happily obliges in anticipation of a tip. but if the girl asks a female attendant at the next gas station for the same bottle of water, come and see eyes rolling, head snapping and total attitude from the female attendant even though she knows the girls has enough money to give her a tip if she fetches the water?

d. a woman walks into the room and all the other women in the room survey her from head to toe as if they are assessing the monetary value of what she is wearing and checking to see that she is not better or more expensively dressed than themselves

e. in an office, a junior female staff comes to work in a nice dress and the male bosses give her compliments but the female bosses make life hell for her that day. the female bosses are married o and their husbands don't work in that office. why the heck are they so annoyed that a small girl who earns less than them can wear a nice dress?

f. a man wants to get married - his dad and brothers are less concerned about the girl so far he said he likes her but his mum and sisters want to know the girl's life history and put her serious hoops and jumps before accepting or tolerating her as their brother's fiance or girlfriend



AJ, no matter how much you like to deny, female rivalry is very real. I have given you a few practical, real live examples. Stop blaming men for all the issues in marriage. You women by your very nature are responsible for at least 50% of all MIL/DIL issues. Fact is, women don't like each other. That's the plain and honest truth. Can you handle it?

@blacklion

Hmmmmmmmmmm! Female rivalry is different in this case.  The man is married, he need to let go of his mama's "waist" and stick to his wife's.  Period.  Whatever that takes.

Not all female display such tendencies.  Only the timid, insecure ones.  I don't.  If you cup an attitude, male or female--I deal with it accordingly.  That female petty bitchiness, I really do not have time for.  One reason I do not keep females as friends. Yes, we can be petty. But stick to the facts of this case. The man is a weakling.

So please direct all as to the man's fault.  Since he cannot control the women in his life. Even if they are all living in his mother's house, he does not have to disrespect his wife in front of his family.  What if the reverse were the case.  What would you say then?  That he woman is a useless woman abi?

Frankly, you are in denial. Women may not like eachother fine, but men make it worse by the silly games they play.

Oh?  Which guilty conscience?   You are not serious at all!  You berrer check your facts.  Someone has been feeding you lies!

Story thread!. . . . . . . ^{*roll eyes*}

AJ,

A major part of marital problem be sey u women demand that we must leave our mother's waist and cleave to yours but you still cling hard to your own mother's waist.
So the man has let go of his mum's waist and is cleaving to his wife's waist but she is still holding tight to her own mum's waist - is that fair?

As for our poster here, yes her hubby ought to protect and defend his wife from his family, Yes, a married woman is entitled to, at a minimum, respect from her hubby's relatives. Yes, a wife and a mother have different and ideally, complementary roles in a man's life. But why can't you women just keep to your respective boundaries as wife and mother instead of constantly placing men in a situation where we have to offend our wives or our mothers. Why can't y'all just get along and spare us the agony of being forced to choose between our wives and our mothers? Do we force you women to choose between your own mother and your husband? Its no good blaming mothers exclusively for wanting to cling to their sons. Many women go out of their way to provoke undue quarrels all in a bid to 'show' the hubby's female relatives especially his mum that she is now in charge.

I think you are in denial about the role of female rivalry in MIL/DIL issues. In fact, its actually at the core. Face it - women just want to have their cake and eat it in marriage You want to have your husband and your mother but we must give up ours Its this female inability to just get along that forces sensible men to keep their wife and their mother as far apart as possible. If possible, oceans are ideal to minimize opportunities for conflict.

I'm really feeling for our poster; if her hubby is one of the typical lagos boys whose family own lots of real estate, na serious wahala. From my experience with my pals in that category, it will take the special grace of God to convince him to move out of the family house where he is living free and start to pay rent in lagos. it may be easier to get him to move to another family property if available.

I belive your people afe Nigerians!
The fact about the issue is that the mind of your husband in on the side of his family, and i tell you their is nothing bad in it because he grew up amoung them but the only problem i persive is that he dosn't notice u as such because he feels like being with is people forgetting that you are the main family he should focuse. I can understand how you feel, but the solution is this

1. Be very prayerful
2. Try your possible best to be obedient to him
3. Always he him rest of mind in other to think well
4. If your home is very close to that of is family:I dont know how You do it but their must be distance, i belive there is nothing imporsible for God, Pray an be ,

blacklion:

AJ,

A major part of marital problem be sey u women demand that we must leave our mother's waist and cleave to yours but you still cling hard to your own mother's waist.
So the man has let go of his mum's waist and is cleaving to his wife's waist but she is still holding tight to her own mum's waist - is that fair?

You are a major piece of work. I do not hang on to any of ma parent's waist let me assure you. I left home at 21 and never looked back! Visited of course but did not cling to ma parents. Most people may do that and they usually get a lot of interference in their relationships. So serves them right!

blacklion:


But why can't you women just keep to your respective boundaries as wife and mother instead of constantly placing men in a situation where we have to offend our wives or our mothers. Why can't y'all just get along and spare us the agony of being forced to choose between our wives and our mothers?

Because we have immature men like the poster's husband who does not know how to keep the women in his life happy but thrives in creating confusion by taking sides against his wife.

blacklion:


I think you are in denial about the role of female rivalry in MIL/DIL issues. In fact, its actually at the core. Face it - women just want to have their cake and eat it in marriage You want to have your husband and your mother but we must give up ours

Its this female inability to just get along that forces sensible men to keep their wife and their mother as far apart as possible. If possible, oceans are ideal to minimize opportunities for conflict.

Now you know we cannot get along! Fine with me. Just tell you and your fellow men to keep us apart as much as possible. We really do not care to be best friends ok?

blacklion:

mother as far apart as possible. If possible, oceans are ideal to minimize opportunities for conflict.
I'm really feeling for our poster; if her hubby is one of the typical lagos boys whose family own lots of real estate, na serious wahala. From my experience with my pals in that category, it will take the special grace of God to convince him to move out of the family house where he is living free and start to pay rent in lagos. it may be easier to get him to move to another family property if available.

That is their business. I am sure she would appreciate your sympathy. If she married such a man that she cannot command respect from, she should stay there and deal with the consequences. Like I said, if it were ma husband, I gat some serous plans for him. I will always respect his family. But I will deal with him seriously!