fellow nairalanders,I am a very decent and faithful to the core wife. never cheated when i was in rships as a single girl.I found out my husband cheated on me in feb with a work colleague.even though i didnt ask him anything.last month,i noticed again something that broke my heart.i usually help him put away his underwears and suit most days when he comes back from work and noticed that his the sides of his pant was always very damp and works full time mondays to fridays.i always thought it was sweat and cared less but then i found out it was sp*erm.since that last month,this has been happening almost on a daily basis especially on mondays and fridays.i didnt tell him or ask him anything and still havent.
the quality of our intimacy life ve been low,no more pre-intimacy,no kisses,just straight to the point all the time,not mostly up to twenty mins,most times he would not even show hes enjoying it like he always did when we met and sometimes will come very quickly and i ll be so unsatisfied .this   was really worrying me so sometime last month i talked to him about our intimacy life cos i wanted to know if he could open up and tell me if hes not satisfied and all that .i told him that the quality of our intimacy life ve really gone down and i would like him to share with me what his intimacy fantasies and that i also feel he doesnt enjoy it anymore  and these were the things he told me: that i shouldnt feel like that that its just that
1) if i excite him too much by pre-intimacy he would come very quickly and leave me unsatisfied,that we are on the brink with ourfinances,his fathers illness and that he tries to wave them off during intimacy as it clouds his mind and it takes him control to do that but that he ll try and be more sowing 2)that he can stay without intimacy for even up to a year and will not be bothered(wen we met he told me he likes intimacy) 3)that i shouldnt worry my self that i satisfy him very well and as long as am happy ,hes okay and satisfied and that he knows i may not undersatnd if he doesnt explain to me.4)that we ve less time cos of  baby and stuff.it was a cool talk,no fight.
he even took up the discussion and started talking generally bout other areas too.I  talked to him about communication too, i felt unwanted too so i told him too and he said that i should pls tell him anytime he makes me feel that way that it must ve been very hurting for me to feel that way.he told me he doesnt really show affection the way most people do and i should pls understand the way he shows it to me which he tried to explain. I ve been working on myself and my attitude generally and our rship ve become at least bette r than it was which he acknowledged too .am back to my pre preg shape(58kilo),and take care of myself for him,he says he doesnt like the way am slimmer and wants me to eat more often and get some more flesh which am doing, that he feels like hes starving me .mean while the thing i noticed is still happening.am in so much pain right now.he would come back from work and tell me how hectic the day was and how he did this and that and he is so tired.meanwile sometimes he leaves the office earlier .i ve also noticed so many little signs of his cheating that i will not go ahead mentioning here.hes had pain in his chest this week which has reasonably subsided  but even on the day the pain started,he went out and came back and the same sp*erm thing again and continued.I was amazed.hes gradually losing interest in intimacy cos last night i started touching him while we were in bed as we were cuddled together and he said to me"darln,stop,you know am on medication and i cant sleep if u re doing that"i was so hurt that i hardly could sleep .i said nothing to him.hes still caring to some extent and nice if i may say and we re getting on better than before. i dont understand the thing of being able to stay without sex and ving intimacy everyday with another woman,the avoidin me nicely ting,what to do bout what is going on, all i do every day is just cry my eyes out.i  pray every day in tears and it seems to be getting worse.am not doubting God all the same.pleas it took me courage to post this sort of thing.pls matured minds give me your advices on what to do.thank you evryone, am in a lot of pain

Who are his friends? If you guys ae christian, I will urge you to start daily devotion.
Do you nag at him? If yes Please try to stop. Does he mastur.bate? You might need to discourage that. He might just start that.

It seems he just found something outside, Face it squarely with prayers. It can be hurting especially if you know you are commited and he seems his not.

Curiously, you might check his phone. A man will not agree straight into ur eyes that he is cheating on you especially if u have gone a long way with him. I can feel your pain madam. May God come down and dissociate ur husbby from those who want to take his heart away.

If it happens again, Show him the pant and ask him to explain. he might lie though, let him realise that u have noticed that since FEB. He might as well take caution.

Na wa oh . .

@Poster,
If you suspected his behaviour, you should have made ur fears known and possibly show him the soiled pants.
You can't jump into conclusions until you ask him. But from the look of things, it seems you are afraid to ask him or maybe something is holding you back.
The condition would detetoriate if you do nothing.

Ujujoan:

Na wa oh . .

Is that all you're going to say?
A miserable Na wa oh?
That one na comment?
Abeg say something jor.

i feel your pain,madia. but the thing is you should confront him. Even if he his cheating, he seems like a caring man,for him to seat and talk things with you.well,so i think. so just tell him how you feel,the pant stuvs.like someone said,you can not just jump into conclusions.it could be anything, mastu.bating or somfin

cantell:

Is that all you're going to say?
A miserable Na wa oh?
That one na comment?
Abeg say something jor.

Honestly, this one pass me oh!

Ujujoan:

Honestly, this one pass me oh! 

I was expecting fire and brimstone from the first lady that comes in, but i was surprised to see ur comment.

cantell:

I was expecting fire and brimstone from the first lady that comes in, but i was surprised to see your comment.

I was about to give fire and brimestone . . . . but the lady is already in pain and I don't want to add to that!

i fil ur pains ma'am,i really do.

@ Pinkielove,

Am so sorry about the pain u are going thru! I can only try to imagine what it feels like.

Wow, I actually thot after all this while, your hubby and "the lady - coworker" will have stopped seeing or something. I really dont know what to say as am short of words. But one thing I know and I do pray is that in the midst of it all, God will give you rest, IJN.

Next time, I think u should pile up the undies for him to see. Let him know in plain terms what your fears are!

Why did you not discuss it with him gently and maturely. Lack of communication can spoil a relationship. Crying has never solved any. If you are a Christian, pray for your marriage. Also, if he prays with you, say a prayer concerning that in a way it doesn't offend him. Don't ever assume that the soiled pants is as a result of cheating, he might be watching porn movies with friends.

This is a sad situation and my heart goes out to you. You can not keep quiet about this with him. You will have to confront him and take it from there. Knowing is bad, painful, confusing etc, but not knowing will make you ill. Please do not blame yourself for his behaviour. You sound like a devoted and faithful wife. Please pray for strength to deal with this. I hope you can work things out and I wish you all the best.

I am sorry but you are part of yoru problem. You thought he was sheating but never confronted him. If he was actually having sex with a woman then why would there be wetness on his pants all the way home. Is he a geyser? Communication is definitely an issue in yoru marriage but it is not only from his side. You also have communication issues. You need to tell him straight up that you think he is cheating. I don't know what you are going through so I will not be too harsh about it but what is your proof that he is cheating. The wet spot on his pants in my own humble opinion wpuld be at best a messy mast-urbator

Spyker:

Lack of communication can spoil a relationship. Crying has never solved any.

Spot on! And poster remember the way he sat and opened up and changed? when you brought up other issues. Some people just don't realise they're hurting others until they're told.

Like Spyker said, crying will not make him stop, he doesn't even know you cry so what's the point? Crying since FEB and still things are getting worse.
Listen dear, you need to sit your man down and talk to him. Open up and share your fears with him.

I personally will sit my husband down the minute I smell a rat

@ Poster, i can imagine how u feel, its a very difficult experience in marital life. But u see, things happen in marriages, i bet u're not the only one in this sort of mess. The ability to handle it appropriately is it. First, i think u should communicate better with your husband,,,, u have every right to, my dear. Tell him exactly what u have noticed, i beg u. there is no point beating about the bush oooh. He may not be cheating per se, perhaps he may just be masturbating or smth. Discuss better with him so that he tells u exactly what u're not doing right, because i can assure u there's something u're not getting right. All the best.

@ Poster, i can imagine how u feel, its a very difficult experience in marital life. But u see, things happen in marriages, i bet u're not the only one in this sort of mess. The ability to handle it appropriately is it. First, i think u should communicate better with your husband,,,, u have every right to, my dear. Tell him exactly what u have noticed, i beg u. there is no point beating about the bush oooh. He may not be cheating per se, perhaps he may just be masturbating or smth. Discuss better with him so that he tells u exactly what u're not doing right, because i can assure u there's something u're not getting right. All the best.

.

Pinkie love is here to play the victim again   sighs

The boxers is wet isn't a 100% fact that he is cheating, the dude might be self-servicing for only God knows why

You have got to sit this man down and talk, or walk out of the marriage if you have had enough,cos only gawd knows how many times you have complained about this marriage, even though you never see wrong in aynthing you do, you are always the right one, the victim player, the foul crier, get a grip woman.

Your husband is not satisfying you sexually you should sit down and find out where you yourself have gone wrong? what is it about you that's making him loose interest? why is the fire burning low? what can i do to ignite that fire?

sighs

please catch a hold of yourself and handle the situation.
I think you are being too dramatic about it all.

thank you all for your advices, @chaircover,my hus will be 40 dis year and am 27.I married him cos i love him and same too for him.we met back home in nigeria,when i was still in nigeria,we chatted online everyday and he called and we talked for long almost every day.he also came back several times and we spent the whole times alone. one month after our wedding,i came over to the UK as his wife.

@likeme,the only person i know as his best pal is a womaniser .he lives here in the UK and is married too.i didnt know him as a very close friend of his cos my hus told me he had dumped him te day te guy called him in nigeria.it was when i came over that my hus told me he just decided to give him a go again and then i realised they were best of friends even from school .my hus helps him with a lot of advice on family stuff,generally.my hus told me he doesnt believe anytin the guy says that hes a compulsive liar.they even lie to each other sometimes. my hus said the guy told him he would rather die in the hands of a woman than leave woman and occassionally gisted me the guys frolicks with women

My major problem is that i ve never been able to resolve any problem similar to this with him.for ex,when i noticed he watches indecency on our computer and told him of hurt i felt bout it,he accussed me of monitoring what he does on the computer which i also use,turned around and started accusing me of not doing this and not doing that,the issue was never resolved,what he did was to delete internet history permanently.also started watching it with his phone cos he saves some videos of it occas.and deletes them but he doesnt know am aware. he never stopped watching it ,didnt show he was sorry and explained nothing to me.that is why i ve not asked him bout this and decided to talk to him bout our intimacy life to see if he could open up but nothing much came out of it.what is the point telling me he can stay without sex for up to 1 year and that i satisfy him if what i noticed is still happening and he cant open up to me .its getting bad, he no longer initiates intimacy, and even when i do, and then nicing it all up .i dont understand!!!!please let me share my fears with you all:will it take our rship back to square 1,if he turns the table around on me by being defensive and starts accusing me and bringing up different thhings,i will be forced to aplogize again and this will go unresolved just like the indecency issue even though hes the one who needs to explain things to me, how do i hhandle it and what do i do?thank you all

The age gap is nt an issue, i have seen people with more age difference than yours

Have you tried councelling? you are more on the soft side and if you cant stand up and take up your stand in that house, nobody will do it for you nt even we NLDERS.

@ post, its better you let him be for a while. Im going thru the same thing with my partner.

Why are his undies always wet? That sounds more like a case of mast[i]u[/i]rbation and not cheating as such, and all the evidence of watching porn lines up with that.

Secondly, you need to sit down and talk with him - if you feel he is being distant from you or changing, it needs to be discussed. Keeping quiet when you see signs of things going downhill will not help you.

Why didn't you confront him when you found out he cheated with a work colleague? Is that the type of thing to sweep under the carpet?

The fact is, you've had a child, he has issues in his family (dad's illness, etc) so you need to really look at the whole situation instead of playing detective to try to figure out things yourself.

Sit down, have a matured discussion and don't feel afraid to talk because he's 40 and you're 27. You are his wife and have every right to question his actions if you think that is appropriate. But make sure you do it in a loving way, putting the success and happiness of your marriage first.

@Poster,
From ur second post, I guess your husband is mastur.bating. He might have loose interest in touching you and derive pleasure from watching indecency.

He might have started doing that (watching indecency and masturbat.ting) be4 u guys got married. (He got married late)

You can get him a book on how to break off a bad habit.

If you are a Christian, You have a lot of interceeding to dooooo that this habit should be taken off him.

My heart goes to you, I have a feeling of the pain you are going through. God can help and He will help you.

He might not like to go for counselling. Keep him busy, engage him with friutful discussion, flatter him, ask him how he want u to respond to his moves, make him to be looking forward to the next time he touches you. If you have the strenght, Give it to good early in the morning so that he won't be moved to watch indeceny on his phone.


My 1 butut.

@Temilade,
Pls U gotta stop fantasizing abt ur ex. it might be dangerous, U might end up mentioning ur ex name when ur husby is making love to u.
Talk to ur husbby, make the move, fit up, stop nagging, drive him emotionally don't dry him up ooo

it will get better.

My 1 butut.

@all thanks again, hes a very proud person and would not consent to counselling, as for the pant,i asked my self if he could be self-servicing but i dont know ,the places usually damp are the two sides that normally cling into the inner thighs not the front part.my hus has changed, for ex,suddenly conscious bout his looks,seeing scratches on his back sometimes,whispering on phone when am bathing baby upstairs,we no longer go out together,seeing sent msgs to different numbers sometimes in his phone bill including the coworkers number and so on,bad intimacy life.hes not a message person.
unfortunately am more on the soft side and he knows i get scared,shaky voice stimes if i wanna talk to him.
when we met we could ve intimacy for as long as 3hours at a go and severally in a day but now highest 15mins.

@like me,he doesnt make me feel desirable,sexy and wanted at alllll but we still ve intimacy but then its no longer fun,i dont feel connected to him neither does he to me from the much i know cos am hurt bout his cold attitude.when we met,we looked in each others eyes during intimacy which he always wanted,we felt connected,i always saw the desire in his eyes,his moans ,he always asked me for it. for long time now ,its no more.when we ve intimacy,he closes his eyes,no connection,no desire,shows little sign of someone whos ving intimacy.its pathetic now it loss of interest altogether,

@Poster,
Can you summon up the courage and face him. Show him the panties tonite, demand an explanation. Cry if you can, you know Ladies thing, not really a confrontation but you gotta speak out. Let your pain out by talking to him not by crying ur eyes out or complaining to wrong set of people.

U can Wake him up by 2.00am, show him and cry unto his neck, ask him what u have done wrong, don't take u have done nothing for an answer. Ask him to forgive you and let him tell u where u need ammendment.

U don't seem to be the wrong one here though, but u know in life That one is a vegetarian does not spare one from being attacked by a wolf.

Pray Harder as well. Prayer works

First it was your stepdaughter whom the controlling Mother was commandeering your Husband not to allow you play with, then your pregnancy andyour hubby's relationship, then came the affair with the co-worker whose impact on your welfare and your emotional wellbeing your hubby felt no contrition for, then the other bits that has happened in your marital home, now this, when will it end?

Don't you feel you deserve a stab at happiness?

Note, not everyone is going to get married, there is simply not enough people to go round.#

Note, not every marriage is going to be enjoyable and happy, you only have one life to live, think about it.

Can't rescue people playing or falling into the victim role. Only way they learn is to let them handle the problem themselves. Learn to take charge of your own life. That is what you need to learn.

What do you wanna hear from us pinkie? This is your home marriage is not by force?

Ok leave your marriage, are you happy now?

o gaaa ooooo