Hello House

I have read various stories on this trend about couples and marital issues but I used to think it was all lies not until I got married in 2009.

I met my wife when I was in University of Ife,we were so close to the extent that people thought we were dating though we were not because she was really helpful in the areas assignments,paying for handouts (which I would later pay back) etc.I would like to add that I knew her fiance then who was serving then( a graduate of Ahmadu Bello University).

We were so close that she would rather confide in me than in her female friends.When we were in our final year,she told me that her boy friend of 7 years had broken up with her for no just cause.According to her,the guy was a confused fellow who did not know what he wanted because she felt it was the mother's handiwork.I really pitied her because she was deeply in love with this guy.

Years after we left school,we met again in Abuja,she had accommodation issues so i decided to help her since one good turn deserves another. One thing led to the other and we decided to give it a try.No sooner than 3 months had we started when she began to show her real self ,it did not really occur to me that i was playing with fire.There was a day she called me a fool in the presence of a friend and i decided i was not going to give her back since that was about the first time she would be doing that.I called my wife to be and advised her that a woman does not say that to her husband but she didn't see anything wrong with what she said. My love for her kept waxing stronger by the day and it didn't occur to me that I was playing with fire. Before we got married,I remember we had a disagreement over the issue of friends,my wife to be threatened to leave the house because she asked me to send away my friends staying with us and i told her no.

That night she cried and said i preferred my friends to her,I later begged her.It was at this point that i realised i was in for a show.Before we got married ,we enjoyed having sex with each other though she was complaining at a point that she was not feeling the sex as it was painful to her or something.She also told me she did not really liked sex.All these while we were making love.it was either during day time or before bedtime,I noticed that my wife would resist every attempt to make love to her at night claiming she would not be able to sleep again.

I remember a night my wife told me her love for people fades away after 6 months .She wasn’t very active in bed but I remained faithful to her with the notion that one day she would change.

I told my wife about it nut she would rather lay the blame on me.Before we got married,she told me one night to be prayerful( I will like to quote her) “You better be prayerful because I don’t know what’s happening to me ooo”.I tought shetaughtoking and I debunked it.

Before we got married, we used to kiss for close to 5minutes or so, I remember the day she told me she wanted us to kiss for 1hour as she said she would only kiss a man she loves .My would be wife stopped kissing me for no reason, I asked if I had mouth odour which she told me no(which i confirmed) just that she would rather prefer me make love without kissing. It became glaring to me that something was wrong and we had already sent out wedding invite, my wife began to misbehave she began to threaten, became wild; she would yell at me as if she was talking to her mother’s last born, at time she would not even speak with me for days and we were living in the same house. I forgot to say that my wife told me she used to keep grudge with her mother for Weeks and the mother would have to come and beg her finally.

My people let me go straight to the point ,as it is now,I have a wife I cannot kiss,my wife complains anytime I ask her for sex,she would rather give a date than to yield and i will have to beg and beg before she would allow me.she would be motionless on bed whenever we are making love and she would rather treat me like I am visiting a prostitute whom you cannot kiss or do some pre-intimacy with.Since we got married (even before we became legally married) I have never slept with my wife in the middle of the night before,she will fight it to a standstill.

Before we started dating,I did not make love to any woman for 2years so I made up my mind I will not make love to any other woman even we started seeing each other(before marriage) till today that we are married.
House,help me where did I err?We are married for over 2years and the union is blessed with a baby boy but my wife would rather wait for me on bed as she believes that’s the only weapon she could use to fight me.

I don’t want to be a divorcee as it is against my religion as a Christian and I also love my child.What can I do please?

How long did you guys court before getting married?
Being friends with someone is totally different from being in a relationship with 'em
Have you discussed all current worries with her?
Are there anything you can do to get her in the mood? You can always romance before going straight for the kill

Some people don't like kissing so that's not uncommon but it appears you guys have a broken communication so i suggest you open your heart out to her first. Explain how her actions are currently affecting you and your preference of a workable solution for you both.

jay bee:

How long did you guys court before getting married?
Being friends with someone is totally different from being in a relationship with 'em
Have you discussed all current worries with her?
Are there anything you can do to get her in the mood? You can always romance before going straight for the kill

Some people don't like kissing so that's not uncommon but i[b]t appears you guys have a broken communication[/b] so i suggest you open your heart out to her first. Explain how her actions are currently affecting you and your preference of a workable solution for you both.

I completely agree wiv Jaybee esp on the highlighted lines. Communication is the key to any relationship and this appears to be lacking(as already said) in ur case.

Op if what i gathered from your story is correct,you saw most of her bad character b4 marriage but you still decided to live wiv it,well you can try having a heart to heart talk wiv her,let her know how you feel.LESSON:NEVER ENTER A RELATIONSHIP/MARRIAGE WIV HOPE TO CHANGE THE ORTHER PERSON.

Thanks people, we dated for like 6 months before we decided to tie the knot,I am trying all I can but i don't just know where the communication link got broken.My wife is such that would rather keep issues to herself .I have begged her severally,on ht issue of pre-intimacy,my wife sees it as a taboo,she believes pre-intimacy should not even be introduced "Just do it".Infact she has to even be in the mood no matter what you tell her or how you try to play with her.I am sorry i am saying all these but I don't want to die that's why i have to say it out because I have been living with this since our day one in marriage.

On the issue of knowing her before the marriage,we had already sent invitation cards out when she started misbehaving.I really love her and i am willing to do everything to save the marriage.

@ Free cocoa,how I wish u know how long it took before i decided to open up you would not doubt me.If still in doubt leave your phone number in your response and i will call you.

OP,
Wromg Decission was taken by u. . . . , . Bear the consequencies!

U re not ok Yorib . . . .Anyway how re u today?

If your wife is a christan like you, you need to bring this to your pastor

Thank you everyone,I will keep praying for her and I will tell the pastors.

@ Yorisb

Thank you for the advice too

@OP
You gonna get good advice from the family section so moving your thread.

PS: Have you tried watching adult films with her? so many other things that you can do to get her aroused

This is very sad. I know someone exactly like YOUR wife (based on your description and NOT in Ife) and I knew and made up mind long before that there will never be anything like marriage. Guys like you (us )  are very rare and dating a woman like this could be one hell of a ride! From your writing and assuming you are truthful in what you said, I KNOW EXACTLY what you are describing. To a lot of people, it's like just another NL story. Unfortunately, if she does not change, even with your pastors and parents and older family members providing support, it will be very tough indeed. You may get to a point where you totally like her when she is with you or when you see her but you totally hate her attitude! You can be happy one minute and the next, you are in another big fight which will take days to resolve and you will be the one to apologize when she's REALLY wrong!

The problem is that it is impossible to have to hold the short end of the stick for 60 years and not get tired! If you keep begging her because you don't have much options (divorce), her effrontery and ferocity of insults, abuse and disgrace would increase! Guy, fasten your seat belt and get ready for one hell of a ride! At this same time, you are weakest in your heart, it is time to begin to fortify your heart strength and over-ride with your brains. Don't keep your true and long-term friends very far from you 'cos you may need them really soon (and you should know why)! Pray hard and keep keeping on!

@Oladelove. . .it just occurred to me to ask and I will appreciate your answer. If you cannot write here, please email me. I have very good reasons why I ask:

1. What is the relationship with your wife and parents like, especially her MOTHER?

2. Do you have any idea of the relationship between her father and mother?

3. Do you have a good idea of her relationship between her and her siblings?

4. How about her closest friends?

In case this looks like BS to you, there is a lot of wisdom in it. If you can't write it here, email me and I will respond to you privately.

poster, you have my sympathy.


something i dont understand though:

we used to kiss for close to 5minutes or so, I remember the day she told me she wanted us to kiss for 1hour

how does one kiss for an hour?

never heard the like.

Yorisb:

@Dsense

I'm great tks and how are the Pharaohs?

I'm superb . . . . . .The mummies want ur visit . . . .They wanna suck ur blood

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They re ready to be whatevr u want them to be . . , , Just visit them . . . . .Ur Blood Is Needed pls

@Poster, i'm in tune with you and wish you well. But,didnt you guys attend councelling b4 getting married?
Secondly,you saw all the signs yet fell headlong( to hell with your 'our wedding card was out',didnt anybdy ever tel you that a broken r'shp was/is better than a broken marriage?
How could you even have anythn to do with a 'christian' woman who bears grudge and isnt bothered when she keeps malice with her own mother!
Who is authority over your wife?these are thngs you shd know b4 getting married. If she has no regards for anybody,sorry bro,u are sitting on a long thing!
I'l advice you to endure ths rubbish while you can but when you cant,divorce her!(i'm a true xtian,I know its wrong bt I kant have bræsts yet be sucking my armpit)

HMMMMMMMMMM. . . , Anty Odunu is here . . . . .Everybody Quite!!!

First of all, I do not believe in divorce, but my rules and philosophy applies to me. I also abhor cheating whether in marriage or in relationships. Throw all your xtian / divorce rules away cos you already compromised all that with your pre-marital sex.

Dude, you wife neither respects nor love you. She has told you subtly and in her actions. She told you 1. she falls out of love in 6 months 2. She only kisses sm1 she loves. Translation - "your six months are up and I am no longer in love with you. I will still marry you cos I can't stand being unmarried or dumped again".

Your mistake was to go ahead with the wedding when you saw all the scary signs. The truth is you did not call off the wedding, not cos you had sent out all the invites but cos you were too scared to move on. Your wife knew that also, and wasn't afraid to show her true colors early on. It is obvious from your entire post that you are weak man. You beg and cry for sex from your wife also points to that. Your two years of no punnany b4 you 'remet' your wife also indicates your limited choices with women ie. no game or chance of even cheating.  But you know, not everybody can be strong. And you do not hv to cheat to be a strong / manly man.

Talk to your wife. Gently and FIRMLY tell her what you want. Ask her what she wants from you too. Try to understand what might need to be done to enable you get what you want. Let her know you get it or you walk away. ( From the gist of your story, I expect she will tell you to go to hell). Unfortunately, you will hv to divorce your wife. Your life is too short to waste.
After your divorce, start life afresh, and learn to look and run away from those scary habits that women exhibit.

I feel bad for you. You could hv avoided all this by mustering the courage to be strong, at least that once in your life.
I apologise if I sound harsh but it is what it is.  Good luck

Hey man! Hw r u doing?

D-sense:

HMMMMMMMMMM. . . , Anty Odunu is here . . . . .Everybody Quite!!!

Odunnu:

Hey man! Hw r u doing?

I'm very good.Hope u re too.

Poor darling!
Only prayer and closeness to God can thaw a heart that hardened as to punish her spouse with coldness in bed and keep malice with her mother for weeks to the point of the mother coming to beg. Pray hard dear that God will soften her heart.
She can do with counselling and more communication from you(as advised by Jaybee which includes exposure to adult films and the likes) in order to help her shed her misgivings and misconceptions of sex. It seems that such misgivings are among the stuffs building walls between you two. She seems to have much growing up to do and sure needs you to help her grow, don't consider divorce instead consider her as a child that needs to be put right that way you can maintain patience and be able to support and help her grow. Wishing you all the best!

My guy you are on a long thing already.

Try to find out what her fears & troubles are.

You need to open the communication lines too, try to do those things that make her happy before you got married to her.

Ivynwa:

Poor darling!
Only prayer and closeness to God can thaw a heart that hardened as to punish her spouse with coldness in bed and keep malice with her mother for weeks to the point of the mother coming to beg. Pray hard dear that God will soften her heart.
She can do with counselling and more communication from you(as advised by Jaybee which includes exposure to adult films and the likes) in order to help her shed her misgivings and misconceptions of sex. It seems that such misgivings are among the stuffs building walls between you two. She seems to have much growing up to do and sure needs you to help her grow, don't consider divorce instead consider her as a child that needs to be put right that way you can maintain patience and be able to support and help her grow. Wishing you all the best!

i disagree ma'am!
She has what[b]my[/b] bible calls an unteachable spirit.
If only she were childlike,i'l take ur advice.
If after talking to her she refuses to change and give you pleasure in bed,once again I advice you drop her without looking back!

@OP,You have a hard row to hoe.
The signs were all there at the onset,but for some reasons best known to you,u choose to ignore it.I dont understand how or why a married woman wud treat the husband as s piece of dirt only fit to be endured(after enough pleading) in the bedroom 
I think its either she does NOT love you or shes had an sex-related emotional trauma at the past.If the the latter is the case,it wud be best if u sit her down on any of her good days or have a night out with her to maybe a hotel(just u and her),have a heart-to-heart talk with her.
It might also be(remote chances though) that she is insecured with her body,go on and tell her her beautiful her body is.
I dont think its a good idea to involve a third party yet,Pastor,Iman,parents inclusive neither do i understand what all prayer and no action wud do for a starved "Yekini".
I wish u Goodluck

@Oladelove. . .it just occurred to me to ask and I will appreciate your answer. If you cannot write here, please email me. I have very good reasons why I ask:

1. What is the relationship with your wife and parents like, especially her MOTHER?

*They are not close at all,imagine a lady would hide things from her mother.She went through a trauma she could not even discuss her mother.

2. Do you have any idea of the relationship between her father and mother?
*Father:Proud, a bully ,sadist,highly temperamental and unappreciative.Mother :Down to earth,caring,xtian-an example a Virturous woman .

3. Do you have a good idea of her relationship between her and her siblings?
*Though they all grew up together,they’re not so close cos she had serious issue with her sister when she was living with her to the extent that she had to pack out.Of the 8 children,5(very temperamental and proud),3 down to earth.

4. How about her closest friends?
They’ve been at logger heads for some time now.She is domineering,doesn’t trust anyone and believes in just herself alone.

Don’t know why you’re asking but I will be happy if you can provide ur email address s I didn’t see it on your profile.

If I got the story right, you said your wife was engaged to your friend but your friend called it off. How come you did not find out from him what led to that? You were only engaged for 6 months, & you saw all the scary signs, like one of the posts rightly said, & you jumped headlong into the caos (not marriage). You love your wife but am sorry to say that the gesture is not reciprocated. The love is therefore onesided. You try once more, on a serious note, to resolve this problem with your wife. If no positive result, bring in your Pastor. If still no head way, bring in first her parents, & then yours. If still no change of heart, then you would have exhausted all avenues for settlement. God never said we should lay our lives down for a self-centered & heartless spouse. Divorce her & take your child with you. Next time look very closely before you leap. We are talking of marriage here. Wishing you God's guidance all the way.

If I got the story right, you said your wife was engaged to your friend but your friend called it off. How come you did not find out from him what led to that? You were only engaged for 6 months, & you saw all the scary signs, like one of the posts rightly said, & you jumped headlong into the caos (not marriage). You love your wife but am sorry to say that the gesture is not reciprocated. The love is therefore onesided. You try once more, on a serious note, to resolve this problem with your wife. If no positive result, bring in your Pastor. If still no head way, bring in first her parents, & then yours. If still no change of heart, then you would have exhausted all avenues for settlement. God never said we should lay our lives down for a self-centered & heartless spouse. Divorce her & take your child with you. Next time look very closely before you leap. We are talking of marriage here. Wishing you God's guidance all the way.