We have been dating for 5 months now and about two months into the relationship, he started borrowing money from me to pay for bills, put gas in the card, by cigarettes and sometimes even food. At that point, he was unemployed. He has since found a job but manages to squander his pay within a week of getting paid. He has since come back to borrow even more from me although he has not repaid in whole what he previously owned me. He has explained that all this paychecks had gone towards settling old debts which I believe but his financially irresponsible lifestyle frightens me. He has started talking about serious commitment while asking me to help top up his phone credit. He is 37 and I am 10 years younger. He is most caring and nice as a person but unstable in the sense where he does not seem to manage to keep a job down, quickly blames the outside world for his failures, says that he is not ashamed to ask for handouts and does not adjust his lifestyle to fit his finances i.e spending money that even people with steady income do not spend. I do not know how to tell him that I find it unmanly for a man to be running around asking for money left and right (he even asks his mother and younger sisters) and that although I would love the idea of settling down, I fear that rushing in with him will end up making me loose my own balance (this month only 1/3 of my salary has already gone out to him). All opinions welcomed. Thanks.

take a break, and access your position from afar.

why would he NOT want to be serious with you. its like having an extra income with a kitten attached to it.
you are being used as a cash cow and you already know it.

what do you really need from NL community?!
a caring word to make you feel better about what you are doing? or simply some strong words to help you get rid of the leech?

you think of his actions as unmanly, but yet, you are the one proudly dating that weakling.

I believe that people sometimes genuinely need help, without exaggeration of course. I hesitate on how to bring up the subject: perhaps ask him NOT to ask me for cash anymore or just let him know that it makes me uncomfortable!

^^^you are right but, not asking YOU for money any longer, isnt going to make him look any better since he will be crawling and begging family etc
the problem is  way bigger than just you and that guy has some serious issues that he needs to deal with.

you have to communicate and let him know in a subtle way how his begging etc makes him look less than a man and that you cant continue sharing your life with such an individual.
also, if he cant be responsible and sort his financial situation now, how will he do that with a few kids around and you out on maternity leave (or worse)?

@ poster

Your naive innocent heart will not kill you o. There are lots of people out their that will take take take and take from you without feeling bad and actually boast about it.

Dont be used as mugu o; i have been in this situation and i know it is hard. A geniune relationship does not have money demands atleast till you are engaged or married.

This man survived before you meet and if you dont give him this money he wont die. It is at best emotional blackmail and at worst abuse. He should be a man and borrow money from his friend that is if he actually as the intentions of paying it back.

We women get confused with out roles and think cos you are giving your b/friend mooney you are helping it is a lie. If it was your husband ok and even then shine your eyes unless you want to be the bread winner in your house.

Trust me if that is the case you will loose respect for your husband and he will hate you for not being submissive. The man is said to be the head for a reason and it has been like that for centuries

no man worth his salt will run down his finances cos he has, like a contrbutor mentioned, a cash cow he is milking. you can try sit down with him to draw a budget and help him stick with it. if he is not interested you better be on the run and look out for another cos you will be holding the short end of the stick all the time. its one thing if he doesnt have an income its another if he sees nothing wrong in not living within his income or going aborrowing with reckless abandon.

Run away fast. I have a friend in the same shoes but in her case she is married. The guy sponges off her and when she stopped he started going round using her name to borrow . She is helpless .you are not married so hope is not lost. I now agree that women always have an idea what kind of marriage we will have but we often still good ahead. Use your head or you will back here telling us how ur husband does not care for the home

@op,sweety you are being used,please run for your life o,at 37 he still can't handle money,when do you think he'll learn?just move on.

Why do angels often time end up with beast. when I'm lookin for one

^^^ pls enlighten us by telling us how you could portray her as an "angel"since the only thing you know about her is that she is generous. if her generous heart made her an "angel" then i will be quick to say that you are no better than the man in her life right now. . . . . . . . . . . .looking for hand outs and financial help THUS probably a beast too. lol

MRbrownJAY:

^^^ pls enlighten us by telling us how you could portray her as an "angel"since the only thing you know about her is that she is generous. if her generous heart made her an "angel" then i will be quick to say that you are no better than the man in her life right now. . . . . . . . . . . .looking for hand outs and financial help THUS probably a beast too. lol

I will find a way yes! I often give in when he starts mentioning that he is going to have to resort to either his mother - who still works but does not sit on a mountain of cash - or his younger sisters still at university, or better yet his colleagues. I cannot stand the shame and just wonder whether he will ever change. I was brought up in an environment where all my siblings - both boys and girls - we taught to always hold their own and I do not want my children growing up seeing their father going from door to door casually asking for handouts!

^^^ You have and know the solution to your problems so quit whining

I am by no means portraying myself as an angel, but I have just never been with a man who sees no problem in "asking". I mean I have even dated the 50/50 type, but even that seemed more balanced that this, do you guys honestly think that sitting with him and designing an expense sheet will help? The guy will be 40 in three years and may well think it is insulting and belittling,

@ poster stop making excuses for this man you are begining to annoy me.

If you dont like it say no. Na by force you are doing something you dont like and expecting other people to take parnadol for you.


Haba

EbonyVibe i hear you oohhhh

Thank you all for your thoughtful contributions!

Poster if you want to stick to your sucker of a boyfriend, thats your problem,just stop making xcuses for him,if you think you love him enough to want to spend your life wiv him like dat then suit yourself and stop whinning and trying to make us angry abeg.

@OP my advice for every girl, do not borrow or dash your boyfriend a huge amount of money,infact any amount(not trying to sound tight handed tho),but i believe it is the guy's duty to spend on a girl and not the other way round. cos some guys are just users,they'll use you and dump you afterwards,so be careful dear.

MRbrownJAY:

^^^ pls enlighten us by telling us how you could portray her as an "angel"since the only thing you know about her is that she is generous. if her generous heart made her an "angel" then i will be quick to say that you are no better than the man in her life right now. . . . . . . . . . . .looking for hand outs and financial help THUS probably a beast too. lol

Anybody , man or woman, who has a good attitude towards money. whose life does not depend on handouts deserve my respect.

quantumgal i will advice 2 leave dat POOR boy u call ur bf now he has n't finished ur money, u can n't even change him 4 good rather he will misuse u and ur money. Mind u other guy give dere girl friend money, but in ur own case it revise and he is also FUCKING u. LEAVE HIM 4 GOOD NOW IT IS N'T 2 LATE, REMEMBER I TOLD U EARLY.

A man who has to constantly borrow money from his significant other, is not a man, By the age of 37, he should have had enough experience to manage his money. If he cannot keep a stable job now, who's to say that if you do get married (which i seriously doubt) he will be able to take care of his family. You will still be the person to carry the burden of taking care of him, his family, your kids, lastly yourself. RUN DON'T WALK, DONT STOP TO LOOK BACK, DON'T EVEN WORRY ABOUT THE MONEY HE OWES YOU. take it as a lesson learn and get out of this one-sided relationship fast; If your sanity is at all important to you!!!

Some love is truly blind . . or desperate.

Shine ur eye!!

Okay, only TWO months into a relationship and he is asking to borrow money ALREADY I'm going to have to agree with the other posters on this one.  After two months, you barely know this person. And the fact that he can even come at you like that so early on in a relationship raises some serious red flags. That could explain why he was still single when you met him.  This guy has some serious growing up to do before he even thinks of trying to get into a relationship! He has proven to be very irresponsible, careless, no integrity at all, inconsiderate, big time selfish, unreliable, needy, high maintenance, immature and undependable. Let me ask you, what exactly are you getting out of this relationship again? You can get good conversation and kindness anywhere without parting with your funds.

I understand these days, people are going through tough times with this economy sucking like it does. But c'mon! The fact that he refuse to take blame for any of his innequities and it's everyone else's fault why he is struggling and in the situation he is in proves that he is not someone you can count on. Why? Because he has to count on everyone else all the time for help. Sadly, he sounds like a typical sociopath. Trust me, when I say, these are NOT the type of men you want to have in your life!! Because no matter how much love and "things" you give them. It will never be enough! Once you are used up, he will move on to someone else and not even care to look back.  Leaving you not only broken hearted, but also broke financially too!

I'm all for helping my man or the people I care about. But you have to use your own common sense and judgement when you are helping people. Because even those who claim to care about you sometimes will take your kindness for weakness and take you for granted.  Considering you two haven't known each other that long, and if you decide to remain in this "relationship" with this guy. I urgently advise you to proceed with caution with this guy.

You can try talking to him and express to him how you feel, but be ready for whatever the outcome will be good or bad. I'm leaning towards bad. As long as you continue to give him money, there is no need for him to change. He'll just keep taking and taking as long as you keep giving it.  Next time he asks for money, tell him you don't have it and wait and see how long he sticks around.

He could be a "nice" guy, charming and smooth. But that don't mean a hill of beans. In relationships, it should be a balance of giving and receiving.  You are NOT an ATM machine.  You are a human being. And you truly need to get the courage to respect yourself enough to know that you don't deserve this kind of treatment. Your needs should also be met.  You are just as important in the relationship as he is. A relationship shouldn't be about take, take and take again. That's no relationship!  Your just an "object" to be used like a pencil.

OP,
Listen to MrBrownJay . . .He's talking from experience!

quote,

Damn! i neva know there is a cheaper alternative! This girls don chop me shege! Haba!
Ada will call "T' u need to see my hair! so rough and old and yet u will say am your gf! i will be like Ada hair that u just made 2weeks ago?! and she will be like: "every decent" girl changes hair once a week! i will be like: ok how much do u need! and she will be like: I will do the cheap one! just 5k!

Ester will come: T am going for a friends wedding next saturday and the Asebi is 25K my mom gave me 15k i need just 10k from u!

Pauline will flash - i call:  T am so broke u cant bliv its indomie myself and my room mate has been eating since 3wks now! Pls can u kindly send me just 5k to my acct so we can buy little fudstuff!

Luv will visit: T- av nt seen my periodooo! the doctor said its 25k for an abor!

Tari will call: T- my cream finished since 2 weeks now! the money u promised to send to me av not seen it and u knw u r my only guy. pls just send me only 4k make i use manage buy even if na baby oil and body spray i don black finish!

Amaka will flash - i call: T am coming for the weekend and am broke here in school. pls send me transport! dnt send me dat your usual 5k cause it will not be enuf! am coming with my gf!

Yetunde will visit: T now your my only bf so u better get ready to catter for my needs! infact i need 10k to replace my panties and their is one beautiful gown i saw in one butique i really need to buy it before they sale it. the sales girl promised to keep it for me till weekend!

Nkiru don flash my battery down! i intentionally refuse to call her bc her demand is always from 15k and above!

the worst is, they dont take "no money" for an answer! I don tire!

^^^ bad boy . . . .That's what u get from too much fornication!

With who again . . .Omo? . . . . , . U don break that girl's heart

U know Omo is ma blood sista? . . .Be carefull oo

I will tell you one thing Runnnnnnnnnnnnnn, Easier said than done of course but look at it this way, he might be boasting to his mates that you always give him money.
The problem is we don't know how they interpret this because they probably know he isn't in any sort of financial difficulty.
If he asks you for more cash let him know he needs to pay off what he owes you first and please stand by this principal,
Do his debts include paying off some child support or gambling or what is he really doing with his money??
Times are hard and anybody who is working hard for their money will try their best not to misuse it before the month even starts